1 00:00:01,087 --> 00:00:04,400 There are three words that explain why I am here. 2 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:09,960 They are "Amy Krouse Rosenthal." 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:12,816 At the end of Amy's life, 4 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,360 hyped up on morphine and home in hospice, 5 00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:18,816 the "New York Times" published an article she wrote 6 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:21,920 for the "Modern Love" column on March 3, 2017. 7 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:25,880 It was read worldwide by over five million people. 8 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:30,656 The piece was unbearably sad, 9 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,415 ironically funny 10 00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:34,000 and brutally honest. 11 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,856 While it was certainly about our life together, 12 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:40,280 the focus of the piece was me. 13 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,576 It was called, "You May Want to Marry My Husband." 14 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,640 It was a creative play on a personal ad for me. 15 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:52,176 Amy quite literally left an empty space for me to fill 16 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,000 with another love story. 17 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,480 Amy was my wife for half my life. 18 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:03,096 She was my partner in raising three wonderful, now grown children, 19 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,135 and really, she was my girl, you know? 20 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,080 We had so much in common. 21 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,896 We loved the same art, 22 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,536 the same documentaries, the same music. 23 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,416 Music was a huge part of our life together. 24 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,280 And we shared the same values. 25 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,576 We were in love, 26 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:23,520 and our love grew stronger up until her last day. 27 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,056 Amy was a prolific author. 28 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,616 In addition to two groundbreaking memoirs, 29 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:32,040 she published over 30 children's books. 30 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,856 Posthumously, the book she wrote with our daughter Paris, 31 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:37,496 called "Dear Girl," 32 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:41,000 reached the number one position on the "New York Times" bestseller list. 33 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:45,160 She was a self-described tiny filmmaker. 34 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,776 She was 5'1" and her films were not that long. 35 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:49,816 (Laughter) 36 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:54,240 Her films exemplified her natural ability to gather people together. 37 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,656 She was also a terrific public speaker, 38 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,816 talking with children and adults of all ages 39 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:02,040 all over the world. 40 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:07,816 Now, my story of grief is only unique in the sense of it being rather public. 41 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:12,640 However, the grieving process itself was not my story alone. 42 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:17,400 Amy gave me permission to move forward, and I'm so grateful for that. 43 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:21,056 Now, just a little over a year into my new life, 44 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:22,520 I've learned a few things. 45 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:26,656 I'm here to share with you part of the process of moving forward 46 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,720 through and with grief. 47 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:32,656 But before I do that, I think it would be important 48 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,736 to talk a little bit about the end of life, 49 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,560 because it forms how I have been emotionally since then. 50 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,360 Death is such a taboo subject, right? 51 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,920 Amy ate her last meal on January 9, 2017. 52 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,976 She somehow lived an additional two months 53 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,240 without solid food. 54 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:55,616 Her doctors told us we could do hospice at home 55 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:56,880 or in the hospital. 56 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,936 They did not tell us that Amy would shrink to half her body weight, 57 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,696 that she would never lay with her husband again, 58 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:08,960 and that walking upstairs to our bedroom would soon feel like running a marathon. 59 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:15,736 Home hospice does have an aura of being a beautiful environment to die in. 60 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,576 How great that you don't have the sounds of machines beeping 61 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,216 and going on and off all the time, 62 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,136 no disruptions for mandatory drug administration, 63 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:28,840 home with your family to die. 64 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:34,696 We did our best to make those weeks as meaningful as we could. 65 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:36,736 We talked often about death. 66 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,296 Everybody knows it's going to happen to them, like, for sure, 67 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,640 but being able to talk openly about it was liberating. 68 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,280 We talked about subjects like parenting. 69 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:52,840 I asked Amy how I could be the best parent possible to our children in her absence. 70 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,576 In those conversations, she gave me confidence 71 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,136 by stressing what a great relationship I had with each one of them, 72 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,840 and that I can do it. 73 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,136 I know there will be many times 74 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:08,136 where I wish she and I can make decisions together. 75 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,360 We were always so in sync. 76 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,816 May I be so audacious as to suggest 77 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,616 that you have these conversations now, 78 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,255 when healthy. 79 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:22,280 Please don't wait. 80 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:28,256 As part of our hospice experience, we organized groups of visitors. 81 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:32,400 How brave of Amy to receive them, even as she began her physical decline. 82 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,016 We had a Krouse night, 83 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,416 her parents and three siblings. 84 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,776 Friends and family were next. 85 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,560 Each told beautiful stories of Amy and of us. 86 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,480 Amy made an immense impact on her loyal friends. 87 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,880 But home hospice is not so beautiful for the surviving family members. 88 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:57,496 I want to get a little personal here and tell you that to this date, 89 00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:00,720 I have memories of those final weeks that haunt me. 90 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,840 I remember walking backwards to the bathroom, 91 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,040 assisting Amy with each step. 92 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,240 I felt so strong. 93 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,176 I'm not such a big guy, 94 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:18,480 but my arms looked and felt so healthy compared to Amy's frail body. 95 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,960 And that body failed in our house. 96 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,640 On March 13 of last year, 97 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,880 my wife died of ovarian cancer in our bed. 98 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,640 I carried her lifeless body 99 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:39,560 down our stairs, 100 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:42,720 through our dining room 101 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,280 and our living room 102 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,840 to a waiting gurney 103 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,640 to have her body cremated. 104 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,240 I will never get that image out of my head. 105 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,336 If you know someone who has been through the hospice experience, 106 00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,616 acknowledge that. 107 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,256 Just say you heard this guy Jason 108 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,896 talk about how tough it must be to have those memories 109 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,736 and that you're there if they ever want to talk about it. 110 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,776 They may not want to talk, 111 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:13,840 but it's nice to connect with someone living each day with those lasting images. 112 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,760 I know this sounds unbelievable, but I've never been asked that question. 113 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,800 Amy's essay caused me to experience grief in a public way. 114 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,680 Many of the readers who reached out to me wrote beautiful words of reflection. 115 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,896 The scope of Amy's impact was deeper and richer 116 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,000 than even us and her family knew. 117 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:40,216 Some of the responses I received helped me with the intense grieving process 118 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:41,440 because of their humor, 119 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,616 like this email I received from a woman reader 120 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,120 who read the article, declaring, 121 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,056 "I will marry you when you are ready -- 122 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,656 (Laughter) 123 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,760 "provided you permanently stop drinking. 124 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,480 No other conditions. 125 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,000 I promise to outlive you. 126 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,280 Thank you very much." 127 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:07,016 Now, I do like a good tequila, but that really is not my issue. 128 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,176 Yet how could I say no to that proposal? 129 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,256 (Laughter) 130 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:15,200 I laughed through the tears when I read this note from a family friend: 131 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,896 "I remember Shabbat dinners at your home 132 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:22,120 and Amy teaching me how to make cornbread croutons. 133 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,560 Only Amy could find creativity in croutons." 134 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:27,580 (Laughter) 135 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,216 On July 27, just a few months after Amy's death, 136 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:35,856 my dad died of complications 137 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:39,320 related to a decades-long battle with Parkinson's disease. 138 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:43,960 I had to wonder: How much can the human condition handle? 139 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,896 What makes us capable of dealing with this intense loss 140 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,600 and yet carry on? 141 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:52,096 Was this a test? 142 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,760 Why my family and my amazing children? 143 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,640 Looking for answers, I regret to say, is a lifelong mission, 144 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:04,416 but the key to my being able to persevere 145 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:08,016 is Amy's expressed and very public edict 146 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:09,840 that I must go on. 147 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,920 Throughout this year, I have done just that. 148 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:18,776 I have attempted to step out and seek the joy and the beauty 149 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,200 that I know this life is capable of providing. 150 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,560 But here's the reality: 151 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,056 those family gatherings, 152 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,536 attending weddings and events honoring Amy, 153 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,576 as loving as they are, 154 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,200 have all been very difficult to endure. 155 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,496 People say I'm amazing. 156 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,216 "How do you handle yourself that way during those times?" 157 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,760 They say, "You do it with such grace." 158 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:45,760 Well, guess what? 159 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,200 I really am sad a lot of the time. 160 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,216 I often feel like I'm kind of a mess, 161 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:57,376 and I know these feelings apply to other surviving spouses, 162 00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,840 children, parents 163 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,200 and other family members. 164 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,696 In Japanese Zen, there is a term "Shoji," 165 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,320 which translates as "birth death." 166 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,696 There is no separation between life and death 167 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,200 other than a thin line that connects the two. 168 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:20,856 Birth, or the joyous, wonderful, vital parts of life, 169 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,296 and death, those things we want to get rid of, 170 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,280 are said to be faced equally. 171 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:28,856 In this new life that I find myself in, 172 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:34,000 I am doing my best to embrace this concept as I move forward with grieving. 173 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,976 In the early months following Amy's death, though, 174 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,696 I was sure that the feeling of despair would be ever-present, 175 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,480 that it would be all-consuming. 176 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,240 Soon I was fortunate to receive some promising advice. 177 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,856 Many members of the losing-a-spouse club 178 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,080 reached out to me. 179 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:58,336 One friend in particular who had also lost her life partner kept repeating, 180 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:01,560 "Jason, you will find joy." 181 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,776 I didn't even know what she was talking about. 182 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,360 How was that possible? 183 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,456 But because Amy gave me very public permission 184 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,560 to also find happiness, 185 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,400 I now have experienced joy from time to time. 186 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:22,280 There it was, dancing the night away at an LCD Soundsystem concert, 187 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:27,336 traveling with my brother and best friend or with a college buddy on a boys' trip 188 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,680 to meet a group of great guys I never met before. 189 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:35,696 From observing that my deck had sun beating down on it on a cold day, 190 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,976 stepping out in it, laying there, 191 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,280 the warmth consuming my body. 192 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:47,000 The joy comes from my three stunning children. 193 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:50,536 There was my son Justin, 194 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:53,176 texting me a picture of himself with an older gentleman 195 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:58,136 with a massive, strong forearm and the caption, "I just met Popeye," 196 00:10:58,160 --> 00:10:59,856 with a huge grin on his face. 197 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,336 (Laughter) 198 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,896 There was his brother Miles, walking to the train 199 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,440 for his first day of work after graduating college, 200 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,496 who stopped and looked back at me and asked, 201 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,760 "What am I forgetting?" 202 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:14,880 I assured him right away, "You are 100 percent ready. You got this." 203 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,856 And my daughter Paris, 204 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,896 walking together through Battersea Park in London, 205 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,736 the leaves piled high, 206 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,880 the sun glistening in the early morning on our way to yoga. 207 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,136 I would add that beauty is also there to discover, 208 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,576 and I mean beauty of the wabi-sabi variety 209 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,200 but beauty nonetheless. 210 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,496 On the one hand, when I see something in this category, I want to say, 211 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,936 "Amy, did you see that? Did you hear that? 212 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,800 It's too beautiful for you not to share with me." 213 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:49,520 On the other hand, 214 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,896 I now experience these moments 215 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,560 in an entirely new way. 216 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,336 There was the beauty I found in music, 217 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,896 like the moment in the newest Manchester Orchestra album, 218 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,216 when the song "The Alien" 219 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:06,760 seamlessly transitions into "The Sunshine," 220 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:12,376 or the haunting beauty of Luke Sital-Singh's "Killing Me," 221 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,096 whose chorus reads, 222 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,160 "And it's killing me that you're not here with me. 223 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,760 I'm living happily, but I'm feeling guilty." 224 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:28,096 There is beauty in the simple moments that life has to offer, 225 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:32,496 a way of seeing that world that was so much a part of Amy's DNA, 226 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,536 like on my morning commute, 227 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:37,776 looking at the sun reflecting off of Lake Michigan, 228 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:41,296 or stopping and truly seeing how the light shines 229 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,536 at different times of the day 230 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,200 in the house we built together; 231 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:51,336 even after a Chicago storm, noticing the fresh buildup of snow 232 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,096 throughout the neighborhood; 233 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,456 or peeking into my daughter's room 234 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,720 as she's practicing the bass guitar. 235 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,280 Listen, I want to make it clear that I'm a very fortunate person. 236 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,840 I have the most amazing family that loves and supports me. 237 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,240 I have the resources for personal growth during my time of grief. 238 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,480 But whether it's a divorce, 239 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,136 losing a job you worked so hard at 240 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,256 or having a family member die suddenly 241 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,880 or of a slow-moving and painful death, 242 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,856 I would like to offer you 243 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,080 what I was given: 244 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,960 a blank of sheet of paper. 245 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:39,080 What will you do with your intentional empty space, 246 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,920 with your fresh start? 247 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,096 Thank you. 248 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:50,840 (Applause)