0:00:01.087,0:00:04.400
There are three words[br]that explain why I am here.

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They are "Amy Krouse Rosenthal."

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At the end of Amy's life,

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hyped up on morphine and home in hospice,

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the "New York Times"[br]published an article she wrote

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for the "Modern Love" column[br]on March 3, 2017.

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It was read worldwide[br]by over five million people.

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The piece was unbearably sad,

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ironically funny

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and brutally honest.

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While it was certainly[br]about our life together,

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the focus of the piece was me.

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It was called, "You May[br]Want to Marry My Husband."

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It was a creative play[br]on a personal ad for me.

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Amy quite literally left[br]an empty space for me to fill

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with another love story.

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Amy was my wife for half my life.

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She was my partner in raising[br]three wonderful, now grown children,

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and really, she was my girl, you know?

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We had so much in common.

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We loved the same art,

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the same documentaries, the same music.

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Music was a huge part[br]of our life together.

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And we shared the same values.

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We were in love,

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and our love grew stronger[br]up until her last day.

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Amy was a prolific author.

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In addition to two groundbreaking memoirs,

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she published over 30 children's books.

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Posthumously, the book she wrote[br]with our daughter Paris,

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called "Dear Girl,"

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reached the number one position[br]on the "New York Times" bestseller list.

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She was a self-described tiny filmmaker.

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She was 5'1" and her films[br]were not that long.

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(Laughter)

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Her films exemplified her natural ability[br]to gather people together.

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She was also a terrific public speaker,

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talking with children[br]and adults of all ages

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all over the world.

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Now, my story of grief is only unique[br]in the sense of it being rather public.

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However, the grieving process itself[br]was not my story alone.

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Amy gave me permission to move forward,[br]and I'm so grateful for that.

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Now, just a little over a year[br]into my new life,

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I've learned a few things.

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I'm here to share with you[br]part of the process of moving forward

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through and with grief.

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But before I do that,[br]I think it would be important

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to talk a little bit[br]about the end of life,

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because it forms how I have been[br]emotionally since then.

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Death is such a taboo subject, right?

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Amy ate her last meal on January 9, 2017.

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She somehow lived an additional two months

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without solid food.

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Her doctors told us[br]we could do hospice at home

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or in the hospital.

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They did not tell us that Amy[br]would shrink to half her body weight,

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that she would never lay[br]with her husband again,

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and that walking upstairs to our bedroom[br]would soon feel like running a marathon.

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Home hospice does have an aura of being[br]a beautiful environment to die in.

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How great that you don't have[br]the sounds of machines beeping

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and going on and off all the time,

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no disruptions for mandatory[br]drug administration,

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home with your family to die.

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We did our best to make those weeks[br]as meaningful as we could.

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We talked often about death.

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Everybody knows it's going[br]to happen to them, like, for sure,

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but being able to talk openly[br]about it was liberating.

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We talked about subjects like parenting.

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I asked Amy how I could be the best parent[br]possible to our children in her absence.

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In those conversations,[br]she gave me confidence

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by stressing what a great relationship[br]I had with each one of them,

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and that I can do it.

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I know there will be many times

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where I wish she and I[br]can make decisions together.

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We were always so in sync.

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May I be so audacious as to suggest

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that you have these conversations now,

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when healthy.

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Please don't wait.

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As part of our hospice experience,[br]we organized groups of visitors.

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How brave of Amy to receive them,[br]even as she began her physical decline.

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We had a Krouse night,

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her parents and three siblings.

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Friends and family were next.

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Each told beautiful stories[br]of Amy and of us.

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Amy made an immense impact[br]on her loyal friends.

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But home hospice is not so beautiful[br]for the surviving family members.

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I want to get a little personal here[br]and tell you that to this date,

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I have memories of those[br]final weeks that haunt me.

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I remember walking backwards[br]to the bathroom,

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assisting Amy with each step.

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I felt so strong.

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I'm not such a big guy,

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but my arms looked and felt so healthy[br]compared to Amy's frail body.

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And that body failed in our house.

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On March 13 of last year,

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my wife died of ovarian cancer in our bed.

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I carried her lifeless body

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down our stairs,

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through our dining room

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and our living room

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to a waiting gurney

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to have her body cremated.

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I will never get that image[br]out of my head.

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If you know someone who has been[br]through the hospice experience,

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acknowledge that.

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Just say you heard this guy Jason

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talk about how tough it must be[br]to have those memories

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and that you're there[br]if they ever want to talk about it.

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They may not want to talk,

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but it's nice to connect with someone[br]living each day with those lasting images.

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I know this sounds unbelievable,[br]but I've never been asked that question.

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Amy's essay caused me[br]to experience grief in a public way.

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Many of the readers who reached out to me[br]wrote beautiful words of reflection.

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The scope of Amy's impact[br]was deeper and richer

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than even us and her family knew.

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Some of the responses I received helped me[br]with the intense grieving process

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because of their humor,

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like this email I received[br]from a woman reader

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who read the article, declaring,

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"I will marry you when you are ready --

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(Laughter)

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"provided you permanently stop drinking.

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No other conditions.

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I promise to outlive you.

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Thank you very much."

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Now, I do like a good tequila,[br]but that really is not my issue.

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Yet how could I say no to that proposal?

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(Laughter)

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I laughed through the tears when I read[br]this note from a family friend:

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"I remember Shabbat dinners at your home

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and Amy teaching me[br]how to make cornbread croutons.

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Only Amy could find[br]creativity in croutons."

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(Laughter)

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On July 27, just a few months[br]after Amy's death,

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my dad died of complications

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related to a decades-long battle[br]with Parkinson's disease.

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I had to wonder: How much[br]can the human condition handle?

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What makes us capable[br]of dealing with this intense loss

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and yet carry on?

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Was this a test?

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Why my family and my amazing children?

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Looking for answers, I regret to say,[br]is a lifelong mission,

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but the key to my being able to persevere

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is Amy's expressed and very public edict

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that I must go on.

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Throughout this year,[br]I have done just that.

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I have attempted to step out[br]and seek the joy and the beauty

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that I know this life[br]is capable of providing.

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But here's the reality:

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those family gatherings,

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attending weddings[br]and events honoring Amy,

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as loving as they are,

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have all been very difficult to endure.

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People say I'm amazing.

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"How do you handle yourself[br]that way during those times?"

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They say, "You do it with such grace."

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Well, guess what?

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I really am sad a lot of the time.

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I often feel like I'm kind of a mess,

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and I know these feelings[br]apply to other surviving spouses,

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children, parents

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and other family members.

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In Japanese Zen, there is a term "Shoji,"

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which translates as "birth death."

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There is no separation[br]between life and death

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other than a thin line[br]that connects the two.

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Birth, or the joyous,[br]wonderful, vital parts of life,

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and death, those things[br]we want to get rid of,

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are said to be faced equally.

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In this new life that I find myself in,

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I am doing my best to embrace this concept[br]as I move forward with grieving.

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In the early months[br]following Amy's death, though,

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I was sure that the feeling of despair[br]would be ever-present,

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that it would be all-consuming.

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Soon I was fortunate[br]to receive some promising advice.

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Many members of the losing-a-spouse club

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reached out to me.

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One friend in particular who had also[br]lost her life partner kept repeating,

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"Jason, you will find joy."

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I didn't even know[br]what she was talking about.

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How was that possible?

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But because Amy gave me[br]very public permission

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to also find happiness,

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I now have experienced joy[br]from time to time.

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There it was, dancing the night away[br]at an LCD Soundsystem concert,

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traveling with my brother and best friend[br]or with a college buddy on a boys' trip

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to meet a group of great guys[br]I never met before.

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From observing that my deck had sun[br]beating down on it on a cold day,

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stepping out in it, laying there,

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the warmth consuming my body.

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The joy comes from my three[br]stunning children.

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There was my son Justin,

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texting me a picture of himself[br]with an older gentleman

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with a massive, strong forearm[br]and the caption, "I just met Popeye,"

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with a huge grin on his face.

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(Laughter)

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There was his brother Miles,[br]walking to the train

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for his first day of work[br]after graduating college,

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who stopped and looked[br]back at me and asked,

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"What am I forgetting?"

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I assured him right away,[br]"You are 100 percent ready. You got this."

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And my daughter Paris,

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walking together[br]through Battersea Park in London,

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the leaves piled high,

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the sun glistening in the early morning[br]on our way to yoga.

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I would add that beauty[br]is also there to discover,

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and I mean beauty of the wabi-sabi variety

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but beauty nonetheless.

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On the one hand, when I see something[br]in this category, I want to say,

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"Amy, did you see that? Did you hear that?

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It's too beautiful[br]for you not to share with me."

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On the other hand,

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I now experience these moments

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in an entirely new way.

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There was the beauty I found in music,

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like the moment in the newest[br]Manchester Orchestra album,

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when the song "The Alien"

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seamlessly transitions[br]into "The Sunshine,"

0:12:07.840,0:12:12.376
or the haunting beauty[br]of Luke Sital-Singh's "Killing Me,"

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whose chorus reads,

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"And it's killing me[br]that you're not here with me.

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I'm living happily,[br]but I'm feeling guilty."

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There is beauty in the simple moments[br]that life has to offer,

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a way of seeing that world[br]that was so much a part of Amy's DNA,

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like on my morning commute,

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looking at the sun[br]reflecting off of Lake Michigan,

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or stopping and truly seeing[br]how the light shines

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at different times of the day

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in the house we built together;

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even after a Chicago storm,[br]noticing the fresh buildup of snow

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throughout the neighborhood;

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or peeking into my daughter's room

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as she's practicing the bass guitar.

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Listen, I want to make it clear[br]that I'm a very fortunate person.

0:13:06.200,0:13:09.840
I have the most amazing family[br]that loves and supports me.

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I have the resources for personal growth[br]during my time of grief.

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But whether it's a divorce,

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losing a job you worked so hard at

0:13:21.160,0:13:23.256
or having a family member die suddenly

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or of a slow-moving and painful death,

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I would like to offer you

0:13:28.880,0:13:30.080
what I was given:

0:13:31.320,0:13:33.960
a blank of sheet of paper.

0:13:35.320,0:13:39.080
What will you do[br]with your intentional empty space,

0:13:39.920,0:13:42.920
with your fresh start?

0:13:43.880,0:13:45.096
Thank you.

0:13:45.120,0:13:50.840
(Applause)