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Hello, my name is Cecilia McGough.

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I'm an astronomy and astrophysics major[br]here at Penn State,

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and the founder and president

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of the Penn State [br]Pulsar Search Collaboratory.

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In high school, I was lucky enough[br]to have co-discovered a pulsar

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through the Pulsar Search Collaboratory.

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A pulsar is a super dense neutron star

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that emits dipole[br]electromagnetic radiation.

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Basically, think of a star[br]much, much larger than our sun,

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blowing away its outer layers, [br]leaving behind a dense core -

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that core could be our pulsar.

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This discovery opened some doors for me,

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such as helping represent[br]the United States

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in the International[br]Space Olympics in Russia.

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And also, being a Virginia aerospace[br]science and technology scholar.

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I know what you must be thinking:

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"What a nerd!"

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"Nerd alert!"

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Well, for the longest time, [br]this nerd had a secret.

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A secret that I was too scared[br]and too embarrassed to tell anyone.

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That secret is that I have schizophrenia.

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But what is schizophrenia?

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It's important to think of schizophrenia[br]as an umbrella-like diagnosis.

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NAMI shows these different symptoms[br]as a way you could diagnose schizophrenia,

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such as delusions and hallucinations[br]being the hallmark characteristics.

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But it is very important to know[br]that a person could have schizophrenia

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and not have delusions[br]and not hallucinate.

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Each person's story with schizophrenia[br]is unique to their own.

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Today I'm going to be talking[br]about my story with schizophrenia.

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It has been thought [br]that I've had schizophrenia all my life.

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But it became very prevalent [br]in my junior year of high school,

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and then it just snowballed into college.

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February of 2014, [br]my freshman year of college,

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my life changed

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when I tried to take my own life[br]through suicide.

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"Why?" you ask.

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Because my life had become[br]a waking nightmare.

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The following images have been edited[br]using Microsoft's artistic effects

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because they are just[br]too triggering for me.

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At this time, I had started hallucinating.

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I started seeing, hearing and feeling[br]things that weren't there.

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Everywhere that I went, [br]I was followed around by a clown

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that looked very similar[br]to the Stephen King's adaptation of "It".

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Everywhere that I went,

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he would be giggling,[br]taunting me, poking me,

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and sometimes even biting me.

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I would also hallucinate spiders,

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sometimes little spiders.

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And these are actually[br]the most obtrusive sometimes

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because we see[br]little spiders in real life.

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So, sometimes this is the only time[br]I ever have difficulty

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discerning whether it is [br]a hallucination or real life.

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I'm very good at knowing [br]when I'm hallucinating

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and I know that it is [br]a chemical imbalance inside my head.

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I don't even give [br]these hallucinations names.

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I also hallucinate giant spiders though.

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One spider, in particular, comes to mind.

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It was rather large, leathery skin, [br]black legs and yellow body.

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No voice ever came out of its mouth.[br]However, when it moved its legs,

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the creaking of the legs sounded like[br]young children laughing.

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It was very disturbing.

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But it started becoming unbearable[br]when I started hallucinating this girl.

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She looked sort of like [br]in the movie "The Ring".

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The thing with her was she was able[br]to continue conversations with herself,

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and would know exactly [br]what to say and when to say it

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to chip away at my insecurities.

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But the worst was, she would also[br]carry a knife around with her

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and she would stab me, [br]sometimes in the face.

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This made taking tests, quizzes,[br]and doing homework in general

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extremely difficult to impossible [br]when I was in college.

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Sometimes I wouldn't even be able [br]to see the paper in front of my face

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because I was hallucinating too much.

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I don't usually speak so openly [br]about my hallucinations,

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because people usually look at me in fear[br]after I tell them what I see.

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But the thing is, I'm not much different[br]than the rest of you.

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We all see, hear, and feel things[br]when we are dreaming.

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I'm just someone who cannot turn off [br]my nightmares, even when I'm awake.

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I've been hallucinating now obtrusively[br]for about over four years.

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So, I have gotten very good

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at just pretending [br]I'm not seeing what I'm seeing,

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or ignoring them.

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But I have triggers, such as seeing[br]the color red is very triggering for me.

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I don't know if you guys [br]noticed this or not,

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but they changed the carpet that I'm on.

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They changed it[br]to a black carpet instead of red.

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I sort of laugh at my life a bit[br]like a dark comedy, because, of course,

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the only color combination [br]that I have issues with is red and white.

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What are TED's colors?

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(Laughter)

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Really people!

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But, I have issues with those colors

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because those are the colors[br]that the clown has:

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red hair and white skin.

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And how I'm able to ignore him[br]is I just don't look at him,

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but I'm able to know

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where that hallucination is[br]in my peripheral vision,

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because of the bright colors[br]of red and white.

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But you would never know [br]that I'm hallucinating.

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The clown is actually[br]in the audience today

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and you would never know.

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On a lighter note, [br]who is looking forward to the Oscars?

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Hands up!

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I knew you guys would be interested!

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Well, if there were nominations for people[br]just acting "normal" in everyday life,

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people who have schizophrenia[br]would definitely be nominated as well.

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When I first became open [br]about having schizophrenia,

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it was a shock to even [br]the people closest to me.

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It took me eight months,

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eight months after my suicide attempt

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to finally get the treatment[br]that I needed.

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I didn't even have [br]the diagnosis of schizophrenia.

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And because of that,

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what kept me from getting help[br]were conversations like these.

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I remember very distinctively[br]within that time

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on the phone with my mother.

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I would tell my mum,

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"Mom I'm sick,

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I'm seeing things that aren't there,

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I need medicine, [br]I need to talk to a doctor."

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Her response?[br]

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"No, no, no, no.

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You can't tell anyone about this.

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This can't be on our medical history.

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Think of your sisters,[br]think of your sisters' futures.

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People are going to think [br]that you're crazy,

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they are going to think you're dangerous[br]and you won't be able to get a job."

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What I say to that now

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is "Don't let anyone convince you[br]not to get medical help.

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It's not worth it!

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It is your choice[br]and it is also your right."

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Getting medical help was the best decision[br]that I have ever made.

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And I am confident[br]that I would not be here today

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if I didn't get the proper medical help.

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This led into my first hospitalization.

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I had been in the psych ward four times[br]within the past two years.

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But I still was not open [br]about having schizophrenia

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until my second hospitalization, [br]because the police were involved.

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One evening I realized I needed [br]to check myself back into hospital,

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because I needed some changes[br]in my medication.

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So I admitted myself [br]into the emergency room.

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I talked to the doctors, they said,

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"OK, let's fix the meds,[br]you can stay here overnight."

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It was all good.

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After the brief one-night hospital stay,

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I came back to my dorm room[br]here at Penn State,

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and to very concerned roommates,

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which I understand[br]why they were concerned -

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if I was in their shoes, [br]I would have been concerned as well -

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but also the RA and a CANHELP person.

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We all talked and we decided[br]that I needed another psych ward stay.

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And I was OK on going,[br]I wasn't at all refusing,

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I was willing to go.

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But what happened next was inexcusable.

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They brought police officers[br]into my dorm room,

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in front of my roommates,[br]they padded me down

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and I had to convince them [br]not to put handcuffs on me.

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They then brought me,[br]escorted me into a police car

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that was parked on the road

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next to one of our dining[br]commons: Redifer,

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where friends were passing by[br]and seeing me put into a police car.

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By that time, when I came back,[br]the cat was out of the bag.

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People knew something was up,[br]so I had to set the story straight.

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I opened up about my schizophrenia

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through a blog,

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but I posted[br]all my blog posts on Facebook.

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And I was amazed by how much support[br]there was out there.

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And I also realized

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that there are so many[br]other people just like me.

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I was actually amazed!

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A few of my friends opened up to me[br]that they had schizophrenia.

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Now I am dedicated to being [br]a mental health advocate.

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I'm not going to wallow[br]in self-pity about my diagnosis.

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Instead, I want to use it[br]as a common denominator,

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so I can help other people [br]who have schizophrenia.

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And I'm not going to rest until anyone[br]who has schizophrenia worldwide

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is not afraid to say the words:

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"I have schizophrenia."

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Because it's OK to have schizophrenia,

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it really is.

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Because 1.1% of the world's population[br]over the age of 18

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has some sort of schizophrenia.

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That is 51 million people worldwide

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and 2.4 million people[br]in the United States alone.

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But there's a problem.

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Because one out of ten people[br]who have schizophrenia

0:11:41.930,0:11:44.509
take their own life through suicide.

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Another four out of ten[br]attempt suicide at least once.

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I fall into that statistic.

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You would think that there would[br]already be a nonprofit

0:11:58.060,0:12:03.250
focused on empowering college students[br]who have schizophrenia,

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especially since the peak age to have[br]a schizophrenic break is early adulthood -

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the same age range[br]as a typical college student.

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But there isn't.

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There is no nonprofit[br]in the entire United States

0:12:17.994,0:12:19.704
focused on that.

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And a general nonprofit[br]focused on mental health in general

0:12:23.235,0:12:24.565
is not enough.

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Because even in the mental[br]health community,

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schizophrenia is shied away from,

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because it makes people [br]feel "uncomfortable".

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That is why I have decided

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to found the nonprofit[br]"Students With Schizophrenia",

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where we will empower college students[br]and get them the resources that they need,

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so they can stay in college[br]and be successful.

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Because you could be successful[br]and also have schizophrenia.

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We need to change the face[br]of schizophrenia,

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because the representation [br]currently is inaccurate.

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Don't let anyone tell you[br]that you can't have a mental illness

0:13:07.740,0:13:10.759
and also not be mentally strong.

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You are strong, you are brave, [br]you are a warrior.

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Unfortunately, this nonprofit [br]is too late for some.

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Since I've become open [br]about having schizophrenia

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I am asked to come[br]into different classrooms

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here at Penn State,

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and talk to the class about my experience[br]having schizophrenia.

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One class stands out in particular.

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Earlier in the semester[br]one of the students

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opened up to the class[br]that she had schizophrenia.

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I commend her for her bravery.

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However, by the time that I came[br]and talked to that class,

0:13:52.431,0:13:55.837
she had taken her own life[br]through suicide.

0:13:56.747,0:13:58.787
We were too late for her.

0:13:58.787,0:14:00.920
I was too late for her.

0:14:02.840,0:14:07.094
Here at Penn State, we have to make[br]an example to the world,

0:14:07.094,0:14:09.619
because this is not just happening[br]here at Penn State,

0:14:09.619,0:14:11.999
it's happening globally.

0:14:11.999,0:14:14.459
But here at Penn State, we have to show

0:14:14.459,0:14:17.541
that we are here for our students,

0:14:17.541,0:14:20.341
we are talking about mental health,

0:14:20.341,0:14:24.811
and we are not afraid[br]to talk about schizophrenia.

0:14:26.663,0:14:29.083
My name is Cecilia McGough,

0:14:29.553,0:14:31.393
I have schizophrenia

0:14:32.133,0:14:34.833
and I am not a monster.

0:14:35.237,0:14:36.598
Thank you.

0:14:36.598,0:14:37.939
(Applause)

0:14:37.939,0:14:39.981
(Cheering)