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Hello, my name is Cecilia McGough.

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I'm an astronomy and astrophysics major
here at Penn State,

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and the founder and president

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of the Penn State 
Pulsar Search Collaboratory.

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In high school, I was lucky enough
to have co-discovered a pulsar

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through the Pulsar Search Collaboratory.

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A pulsar is a super dense neutron star

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that emits dipole
electromagnetic radiation.

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Basically, think of a star
much, much larger than our sun,

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blowing away its outer layers, 
leaving behind a dense core -

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that core could be our pulsar.

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This discovery opened some doors for me,

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such as helping represent
the United States

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in the International
Space Olympics in Russia.

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And also, being a Virginia aerospace
science and technology scholar.

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I know what you must be thinking:

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"What a nerd!"

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"Nerd alert!"

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Well, for the longest time, 
this nerd had a secret.

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A secret that I was too scared
and too embarrassed to tell anyone.

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That secret is that I have schizophrenia.

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But what is schizophrenia?

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It's important to think of schizophrenia
as an umbrella-like diagnosis.

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NAMI shows these different symptoms
as a way you could diagnose schizophrenia,

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such as delusions and hallucinations
being the hallmark characteristics.

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But it is very important to know
that a person could have schizophrenia

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and not have delusions
and not hallucinate.

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Each person's story with schizophrenia
is unique to their own.

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Today I'm going to be talking
about my story with schizophrenia.

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It has been thought 
that I've had schizophrenia all my life.

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But it became very prevalent 
in my junior year of high school,

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and then it just snowballed into college.

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February of 2014, 
my freshman year of college,

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my life changed

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when I tried to take my own life
through suicide.

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"Why?" you ask.

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Because my life had become
a waking nightmare.

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The following images have been edited
using Microsoft's artistic effects

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because they are just
too triggering for me.

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At this time, I had started hallucinating.

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I started seeing, hearing and feeling
things that weren't there.

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Everywhere that I went, 
I was followed around by a clown

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that looked very similar
to the Stephen King's adaptation of "It".

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Everywhere that I went,

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he would be giggling,
taunting me, poking me,

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and sometimes even biting me.

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I would also hallucinate spiders,

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sometimes little spiders.

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And these are actually
the most intrusive sometimes

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because we see
little spiders in real life.

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So, sometimes this is the only time
I ever have difficulty

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discerning whether it is 
a hallucination or real life.

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I'm very good at knowing 
when I'm hallucinating

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and I know that it is 
a chemical imbalance inside my head.

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I don't even give 
these hallucinations names.

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I also hallucinate giant spiders though.

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One spider, in particular, comes to mind.

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It was rather large, leathery skin, 
black legs and yellow body.

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No voice ever came out of its mouth.
However, when it moved its legs,

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the creaking of the legs sounded like
young children laughing.

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It was very disturbing.

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But it started becoming unbearable
when I started hallucinating this girl.

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She looked sort of like 
in the movie "The Ring".

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The thing with her was she was able
to continue conversations with herself,

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and would know exactly 
what to say and when to say it

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to chip away at my insecurities.

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But the worst was, she would also
carry a knife around with her

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and she would stab me, 
sometimes in the face.

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This made taking tests, quizzes,
and doing homework in general

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extremely difficult to impossible 
when I was in college.

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Sometimes I wouldn't even be able 
to see the paper in front of my face

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because I was hallucinating too much.

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I don't usually speak so openly 
about my hallucinations,

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because people usually look at me in fear
after I tell them what I see.

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But the thing is, I'm not much different
than the rest of you.

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We all see, hear, and feel things
when we are dreaming.

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I'm just someone who cannot turn off 
my nightmares, even when I'm awake.

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I've been hallucinating now acutely
for about over four years.

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So, I have gotten very good

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at just pretending 
I'm not seeing what I'm seeing,

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or ignoring them.

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But I have triggers, such as seeing
the color red is very triggering for me.

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I don't know if you guys 
noticed this or not,

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but they changed the carpet that I'm on.

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They changed it
to a black carpet instead of red.

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I sort of laugh at my life a bit
like a dark comedy, because, of course,

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the only color combination 
that I have issues with is red and white.

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What are TED's colors?

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(Laughter)

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Really people!

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But, I have issues with those colors

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because those are the colors
that the clown has:

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red hair and white skin.

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And how I'm able to ignore him
is I just don't look at him,

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but I'm able to know

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where that hallucination is
in my peripheral vision,

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because of the bright colors
of red and white.

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But you would never know 
that I'm hallucinating.

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The clown is actually
in the audience today

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and you would never know.

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On a lighter note, 
who is looking forward to the Oscars?

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Hands up!

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I knew you guys would be interested!

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Well, if there were nominations for people
just acting "normal" in everyday life,

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people who have schizophrenia
would definitely be nominated as well.

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When I first became open 
about having schizophrenia,

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it was a shock to even 
the people closest to me.

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It took me eight months,

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eight months after my suicide attempt

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to finally get the treatment
that I needed.

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I didn't even have 
the diagnosis of schizophrenia.

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And because of that,

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what kept me from getting help
were conversations like these.

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I remember very distinctively
within that time

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on the phone with my mother.

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I would tell my mum,

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"Mom I'm sick,

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I'm seeing things that aren't there,

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I need medicine, 
I need to talk to a doctor."

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Her response?


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"No, no, no, no.

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You can't tell anyone about this.

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This can't be on our medical history.

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Think of your sisters,
think of your sisters' futures.

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People are going to think 
that you're crazy,

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they are going to think you're dangerous
and you won't be able to get a job."

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What I say to that now

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is "Don't let anyone convince you
not to get medical help.

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It's not worth it!

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It is your choice
and it is also your right."

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Getting medical help was the best decision
that I have ever made.

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And I am confident
that I would not be here today

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if I didn't get the proper medical help.

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This led into my first hospitalization.

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I had been in the psych ward four times
within the past two years.

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But I still was not open 
about having schizophrenia

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until my second hospitalization, 
because the police were involved.

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One evening I realized I needed 
to check myself back into hospital,

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because I needed some changes
in my medication.

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So I admitted myself 
into the emergency room.

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I talked to the doctors, they said,

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"OK, let's fix the meds,
you can stay here overnight."

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It was all good.

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After the brief one-night hospital stay,

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I came back to my dorm room
here at Penn State,

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and to very concerned roommates,

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which I understand
why they were concerned -

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if I was in their shoes, 
I would have been concerned as well -

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but also the RA and a CANHELP person.

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We all talked and we decided
that I needed another psych ward stay.

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And I was OK on going,
I wasn't at all refusing,

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I was willing to go.

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But what happened next was inexcusable.

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They brought police officers
into my dorm room,

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in front of my roommates,
they padded me down

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and I had to convince them 
not to put handcuffs on me.

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They then brought me,
escorted me into a police car

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that was parked on the road

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next to one of our dining
commons: Redifer,

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where friends were passing by
and seeing me put into a police car.

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By that time, when I came back,
the cat was out of the bag.

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People knew something was up,
so I had to set the story straight.

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I opened up about my schizophrenia

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through a blog,

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but I posted
all my blog posts on Facebook.

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And I was amazed by how much support
there was out there.

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And I also realized

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that there are so many
other people just like me.

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I was actually amazed!

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A few of my friends opened up to me
that they had schizophrenia.

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Now I am dedicated to being 
a mental health advocate.

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I'm not going to wallow
in self-pity about my diagnosis.

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Instead, I want to use it
as a common denominator,

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so I can help other people 
who have schizophrenia.

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And I'm not going to rest until anyone
who has schizophrenia worldwide

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is not afraid to say the words:

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"I have schizophrenia."

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Because it's OK to have schizophrenia,

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it really is.

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Because 1.1% of the world's population
over the age of 18

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has some sort of schizophrenia.

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That is 51 million people worldwide

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and 2.4 million people
in the United States alone.

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But there's a problem.

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Because one out of ten people
who have schizophrenia

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take their own life through suicide.

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Another four out of ten
attempt suicide at least once.

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I fall into that statistic.

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You would think that there would
already be a nonprofit

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focused on empowering college students
who have schizophrenia,

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especially since the peak age to have
a schizophrenic break is early adulthood -

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the same age range
as a typical college student.

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But there isn't.

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There is no nonprofit
in the entire United States

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focused on that.

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And a general nonprofit
focused on mental health in general

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is not enough.

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Because even in the mental
health community,

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schizophrenia is shied away from,

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because it makes people 
feel "uncomfortable".

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That is why I have decided

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to found the nonprofit
"Students With Schizophrenia",

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where we will empower college students
and get them the resources that they need,

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so they can stay in college
and be successful.

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Because you could be successful
and also have schizophrenia.

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We need to change the face
of schizophrenia,

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because the representation 
currently is inaccurate.

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Don't let anyone tell you
that you can't have a mental illness

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and also not be mentally strong.

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You are strong, you are brave, 
you are a warrior.

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Unfortunately, this nonprofit 
is too late for some.

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Since I've become open 
about having schizophrenia

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I am asked to come
into different classrooms

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here at Penn State,

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and talk to the class about my experience
having schizophrenia.

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One class stands out in particular.

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Earlier in the semester
one of the students

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opened up to the class
that she had schizophrenia.

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I commend her for her bravery.

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However, by the time that I came
and talked to that class,

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she had taken her own life
through suicide.

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We were too late for her.

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I was too late for her.

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Here at Penn State, we have to make
an example to the world,

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because this is not just happening
here at Penn State,

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it's happening globally.

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But here at Penn State, we have to show

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that we are here for our students,

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we are talking about mental health,

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and we are not afraid
to talk about schizophrenia.

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My name is Cecilia McGough,

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I have schizophrenia

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and I am not a monster.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)

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(Cheering)