WEBVTT

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I have a friend.

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To protect her privacy
I'm going to call her Maria.

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Maria has a wonderful job.

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She's a photographer,
and she's really talented,

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and things are doing really well for her.

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She's signing one contract
after the other - exhibitions.

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Last year, she even won
a couple of prestigious awards.

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What I like about her
is that when things go well,

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she really knows how to celebrate.

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Maria has traveled all around the world.

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She's seen some of the most
beautiful places in the world.

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She's a foodie - she likes
to eat at good restaurants,

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but she's also a very generous person.

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Every year, she takes one month off,

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and she flies to Bolivia
where she volunteers at an orphanage.

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There in Bolivia, last year, she met Dave,
who apparently is the love of her life,

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who was another volunteer
there at the orphanage.

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They seem to be really happy together.

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I haven't seen Maria
in the past three years,

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so how do I know
all these things about her?

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You might have probably guessed

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that it is through her meticulous updates
on her social media profile.

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Maybe you also have a friend like Maria,

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and if you are like me, maybe at times,
you might have wondered,

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"Why does she keep bragging
about her amazing life?"

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When we ask ourselves that question,
there are two common answers that come up.

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One is, "Maybe she's mean.

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She wants to rub it in my face,

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to make me feel miserable
about my own life."

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Another possibility is
that she's fundamentally insecure,

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so she brags because she's
seeking social approval.

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But whatever reason
we think of for bragging,

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there is one thing
that we all have in common,

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which is how we react to it.

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In general, we all seem
to be annoyed by bragging.

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So the puzzling questions is,
if we are all annoyed by bragging,

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how come that bragging
is so pervasive around us?

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How come it's so prevalent?

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How come our social media feeds

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are populated by your friends'
amazing holiday pictures,

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first-class lounge check-ins,
and very good-looking food?

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George Loewenstein,
Joachim Vosgerau, and myself

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have conducted a series of experiments
to try to answer these questions.

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In one study, we asked people
to tell us some stories.

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So we asked them to tell
about a case in their life

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in which they were
either bragging to somebody else

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or they were listening
to someone else brag.

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Half of the participants recalled a case
in their life in which they were bragging.

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We called these participants
'the self-promoters,'

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just a more polite way
to call the braggers,

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and we asked them to tell
a lot about their interaction,

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how it took place, what was
the topic of the conversation,

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and most importantly,

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we asked them to tell us how the person
listening to them was reacting,

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specifically, whether they were feeling
positive or negative emotions.

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The other half of the participants,
which we called 'the recipients,'

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were instead asked
to tell us about a situation

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in which they were listening
to somebody else bragging.

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Also, these people were asked to tell us
about the topic of the conversation,

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and how they and the other person
were reacting in terms of emotions.

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Participants told all sorts of stories.

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Interestingly, the ones
who were recalling cases

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in which they were bragging
to somebody else

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were more likely to tell us about cases

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in which they were bragging
about achievement like a promotion,

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getting into med school, a good grade

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whereas participants
who were asked to recall cases

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in which they were listening
to somebody else bragging

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were more likely to remember cases
in which somebody was bragging to them

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about making money, having money,

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having power, or status,
or having some material possessions.

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But the most interesting result was

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that no matter
what the stories were about,

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self-promoters systematically
underestimated

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the extent to which their recipients
were experiencing negative emotions.

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They figured out that about one fourth
of the recipients were feeling bad

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as they were bragging,

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but in reality, over three quarters
of the recipients reported feeling bad

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while listening to other people bragging.

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This was also true when we looked
at the positive emotions.

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Self-promoters systematically
overestimated

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the extent to which the recipients were
actually experiencing positive emotions.

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These two results are mirrored
by another very interesting finding,

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which is that self-promoters,
as they were bragging,

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they were experiencing positive emotions,

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and only a very small fraction
of the recipients realized that,

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as you can see from the chart.

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So self-promoters were projecting
their positive emotions

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onto their listeners.

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This made them overestimate the extent

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to which they were sharing
their positive feelings

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and underestimate the extent

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to which they were sharing
their negative feelings.

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We replicated this study

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trying to go a little more in depth
into the emotional reactions

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that self-promoters and recipients
experience in these bragging interactions.

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What we found was that self-promoters
significantly overestimate

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the extent to which their listeners

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are happy for them and are proud
of them when they brag.

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And at the same time,
they significantly underestimate

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how much they're annoyed
by their bragging.

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So we thought that this was
a really interesting result,

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and we attributed it

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to a psychological phenomenon
called the empathy gap.

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According to the empathy gap,
if we are very happy,

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for us it becomes really difficult
to imagine how not being happy feels,

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and it's even harder to imagine

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how experiencing
negative emotions would feel.

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So basically, both parties
in our interactions,

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the self-promoters and the recipients,

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had a hard time figuring out
how they would feel

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if their roles were reversed.

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If people are so miscalibrated
when it comes to figuring out

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how others react emotionally
to their self-promotion,

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maybe they are also miscalibrated
when they try to figure out

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how their bragging affects
how others evaluate them.

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So we conducted another experiment.

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If you were a participant
in this experiment,

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we would ask you to write
some things about yourself,

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to present yourself to others.

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You have to write five things
to create a personal profile,

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similar to what we do

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on social media websites
or online dating websites,

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and participants were free
to write whatever they wanted.

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They could write about their job,
about their education,

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their looks, or personality,
their hobbies, their interests -

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really whatever they wanted.

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But only to half of the participants
we gave an additional instruction.

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We told them to write in such a way

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that would maximize
others' interest in meeting them.

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Once they were done
with writing up their profiles,

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we also asked participants to predict

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how they thought
that others would like them,

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and how much they would be
interested in meeting them.

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Then we took these profiles,

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and we gave them to a large sample
of other participants,

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different from those who wrote them,

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and we asked these other participants

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to tell us how much they liked
the profile writers

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and how interested
they would be in meeting them.

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We also had another sample
where we asked to indicate

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to what extent the profile writers
were bragging in their profiles,

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in their opinion.

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When we looked at the results,
we saw that first of all,

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participants had no idea
how others would evaluate them.

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When we compare the prediction
of how much they would be liked

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and the actual liking
coming from the profile readers,

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the correlation was basically zero.

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So participants had no clue whether others
would like their profile or not,

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and the same was true
for the interest in meeting them.

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But the second interesting result

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was that participants who were instructed

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to write in such a way
that would make them liked more

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bragged more.

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At the same time, these efforts backfired.

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People were not more interested
in meeting them,

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and actually liked them less

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than the participants
who didn't put that effort in.

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So we thought this was a striking result,

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and we were wondering,
"How is that possible?

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How is it not obvious to everyone

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that bragging has
these negative consequences?"

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And we thought that the answer
lies again in the empathy gap.

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We tend to project our emotions
onto our listeners,

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and when we are enthusiastic
about something,

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an achievement, an unexpected upgrade,
or we are in a beautiful place,

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we are like little children and expect
others to share in our enthusiasm,

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and at the same time, don't see

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that others may be not as happy as we are
about the good things that happened to us.

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These results are particularly interesting

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in an age in which we are
more and more connected to one another.

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First of all, as the number
of connections between us increases,

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we tend to feel like
we are talking to an audience.

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We call this 'broadcasting.'

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When we broadcast, we tend to share
more self-promotional content.

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At the same time, although we are
more and more connected,

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that doesn't necessarily mean

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that the psychological distance
between us is decreasing.

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It may actually be increasing,

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and this may exacerbate the empathy gap.

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It would make it more difficult
for a self-promoter to figure out

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what the reactions
of the listeners could be,

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and at the same time,

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reduces the likelihood
that the recipient has any interest

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in sharing the positive emotions
of the self-promoter.

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And a third thing which I noticed
relatively recently

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is that companies have started
to do something really strange,

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which is encouraging consumers
to brag about their products.

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The other day, I saw
a letter from an airline

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inviting their frequent fliers

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to post pictures
of their frequent flier card,

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using the hashtag 'brag tag.'

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So they were inviting them
to brag about their status to others.

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I thought that was

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a really interesting new development
of marketing on social media.

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So what can we do
to reduce these problems,

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to make our social interaction,
especially online a little better?

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I think some little actions may
actually help us improve the situation,

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and they involve trying
to reduce the empathy gap.

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So, if you are feeling the urge
to share something

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to an audience, to your friends online,

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just doing something simple

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like putting ourselves
in the shoes of the receiving end

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and trying to figure out
what's the likelihood

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that they would be happy
about our good news,

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or whether they would rather
be annoyed by it,

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may on the one hand,
curb our urge to share,

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or make us share things
only with people who really care.

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A second little action would be

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involving people
who are on the receiving end.

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So when we are reading
someone else's out-of-control praise,

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maybe we can bolster our tolerance
and realize that they are bragging

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believing that we genuinely share
their positive emotions and enthusiasm.

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These are small actions,

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but I think they may go a long way
into reducing the empathy gap.

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As we move to a more
and more connected world,

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they may improve a lot
the quality of our social interactions.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)