I have a friend.

To protect her privacy
I'm going to call her Maria.

Maria has a wonderful job.

She's a photographer,
and she's really talented,

and things are doing really well for her.

She's signing one contract
after the other - exhibitions.

Last year, she even won
a couple of prestigious awards.

What I like about her
is that when things go well,

she really knows how to celebrate.

Maria has traveled all around the world.

She's seen some of the most
beautiful places in the world.

She's a foodie - she likes
to eat at good restaurants,

but she's also a very generous person.

Every year, she takes one month off,

and she flies to Bolivia
where she volunteers at an orphanage.

There in Bolivia, last year, she met Dave,
who apparently is the love of her life,

who was another volunteer
there at the orphanage.

They seem to be really happy together.

I haven't seen Maria
in the past three years,

so how do I know
all these things about her?

You might have probably guessed

that it is through her meticulous updates
on her social media profile.

Maybe you also have a friend like Maria,

and if you are like me, maybe at times,
you might have wondered,

"Why does she keep bragging
about her amazing life?"

When we ask ourselves that question,
there are two common answers that come up.

One is, "Maybe she's mean.

She wants to rub it in my face,

to make me feel miserable
about my own life."

Another possibility is
that she's fundamentally insecure,

so she brags because she's
seeking social approval.

But whatever reason
we think of for bragging,

there is one thing
that we all have in common,

which is how we react to it.

In general, we all seem
to be annoyed by bragging.

So the puzzling questions is,
if we are all annoyed by bragging,

how come that bragging
is so pervasive around us?

How come it's so prevalent?

How come our social media feeds

are populated by your friends'
amazing holiday pictures,

first-class lounge check-ins,
and very good-looking food?

George Loewenstein,
Joachim Vosgerau, and myself

have conducted a series of experiments
to try to answer these questions.

In one study, we asked people
to tell us some stories.

So we asked them to tell
about a case in their life

in which they were
either bragging to somebody else

or they were listening
to someone else brag.

Half of the participants recalled a case
in their life in which they were bragging.

We called these participants
'the self-promoters,'

just a more polite way
to call the braggers,

and we asked them to tell
a lot about their interaction,

how it took place, what was
the topic of the conversation,

and most importantly,

we asked them to tell us how the person
listening to them was reacting,

specifically, whether they were feeling
positive or negative emotions.

The other half of the participants,
which we called 'the recipients,'

were instead asked
to tell us about a situation

in which they were listening
to somebody else bragging.

Also, these people were asked to tell us
about the topic of the conversation,

and how they and the other person
were reacting in terms of emotions.

Participants told all sorts of stories.

Interestingly, the ones
who were recalling cases

in which they were bragging
to somebody else

were more likely to tell us about cases

in which they were bragging
about achievement like a promotion,

getting into med school, a good grade

whereas participants
who were asked to recall cases

in which they were listening
to somebody else bragging

were more likely to remember cases
in which somebody was bragging to them

about making money, having money,

having power, or status,
or having some material possessions.

But the most interesting result was

that no matter
what the stories were about,

self-promoters systematically
underestimated

the extent to which their recipients
were experiencing negative emotions.

They figured out that about one fourth
of the recipients were feeling bad

as they were bragging,

but in reality, over three quarters
of the recipients reported feeling bad

while listening to other people bragging.

This was also true when we looked
at the positive emotions.

Self-promoters systematically
overestimated

the extent to which the recipients were
actually experiencing positive emotions.

These two results are mirrored
by another very interesting finding,

which is that self-promoters,
as they were bragging,

they were experiencing positive emotions,

and only a very small fraction
of the recipients realized that,

as you can see from the chart.

So self-promoters were projecting
their positive emotions

onto their listeners.

This made them overestimate the extent

to which they were sharing
their positive feelings

and underestimate the extent

to which they were sharing
their negative feelings.

We replicated this study

trying to go a little more in depth
into the emotional reactions

that self-promoters and recipients
experience in these bragging interactions.

What we found was that self-promoters
significantly overestimate

the extent to which their listeners

are happy for them and are proud
of them when they brag.

And at the same time,
they significantly underestimate

how much they're annoyed
by their bragging.

So we thought that this was
a really interesting result,

and we attributed it

to a psychological phenomenon
called the empathy gap.

According to the empathy gap,
if we are very happy,

for us it becomes really difficult
to imagine how not being happy feels,

and it's even harder to imagine

how experiencing
negative emotions would feel.

So basically, both parties
in our interactions,

the self-promoters and the recipients,

had a hard time figuring out
how they would feel

if their roles were reversed.

If people are so miscalibrated
when it comes to figuring out

how others react emotionally
to their self-promotion,

maybe they are also miscalibrated
when they try to figure out

how their bragging affects
how others evaluate them.

So we conducted another experiment.

If you were a participant
in this experiment,

we would ask you to write
some things about yourself,

to present yourself to others.

You have to write five things
to create a personal profile,

similar to what we do

on social media websites
or online dating websites,

and participants were free
to write whatever they wanted.

They could write about their job,
about their education,

their looks, or personality,
their hobbies, their interests -

really whatever they wanted.

But only to half of the participants
we gave an additional instruction.

We told them to write in such a way

that would maximize
others' interest in meeting them.

Once they were done
with writing up their profiles,

we also asked participants to predict

how they thought
that others would like them,

and how much they would be
interested in meeting them.

Then we took these profiles,

and we gave them to a large sample
of other participants,

different from those who wrote them,

and we asked these other participants

to tell us how much they liked
the profile writers

and how interested
they would be in meeting them.

We also had another sample
where we asked to indicate

to what extent the profile writers
were bragging in their profiles,

in their opinion.

When we looked at the results,
we saw that first of all,

participants had no idea
how others would evaluate them.

When we compare the prediction
of how much they would be liked

and the actual liking
coming from the profile readers,

the correlation was basically zero.

So participants had no clue whether others
would like their profile or not,

and the same was true
for the interest in meeting them.

But the second interesting result

was that participants who were instructed

to write in such a way
that would make them liked more

bragged more.

At the same time, these efforts backfired.

People were not more interested
in meeting them,

and actually liked them less

than the participants
who didn't put that effort in.

So we thought this was a striking result,

and we were wondering,
"How is that possible?

How is it not obvious to everyone

that bragging has
these negative consequences?"

And we thought that the answer
lies again in the empathy gap.

We tend to project our emotions
onto our listeners,

and when we are enthusiastic
about something,

an achievement, an unexpected upgrade,
or we are in a beautiful place,

we are like little children and expect
others to share in our enthusiasm,

and at the same time, don't see

that others may be not as happy as we are
about the good things that happened to us.

These results are particularly interesting

in an age in which we are
more and more connected to one another.

First of all, as the number
of connections between us increases,

we tend to feel like
we are talking to an audience.

We call this 'broadcasting.'

When we broadcast, we tend to share
more self-promotional content.

At the same time, although we are
more and more connected,

that doesn't necessarily mean

that the psychological distance
between us is decreasing.

It may actually be increasing,

and this may exacerbate the empathy gap.

It would make it more difficult
for a self-promoter to figure out

what the reactions
of the listeners could be,

and at the same time,

reduces the likelihood
that the recipient has any interest

in sharing the positive emotions
of the self-promoter.

And a third thing which I noticed
relatively recently

is that companies have started
to do something really strange,

which is encouraging consumers
to brag about their products.

The other day, I saw
a letter from an airline

inviting their frequent fliers

to post pictures
of their frequent flier card,

using the hashtag 'brag tag.'

So they were inviting them
to brag about their status to others.

I thought that was

a really interesting new development
of marketing on social media.

So what can we do
to reduce these problems,

to make our social interaction,
especially online a little better?

I think some little actions may
actually help us improve the situation,

and they involve trying
to reduce the empathy gap.

So, if you are feeling the urge
to share something

to an audience, to your friends online,

just doing something simple

like putting ourselves
in the shoes of the receiving end

and trying to figure out
what's the likelihood

that they would be happy
about our good news,

or whether they would rather
be annoyed by it,

may on the one hand,
curb our urge to share,

or make us share things
only with people who really care.

A second little action would be

involving people
who are on the receiving end.

So when we are reading
someone else's out-of-control praise,

maybe we can bolster our tolerance
and realize that they are bragging

believing that we genuinely share
their positive emotions and enthusiasm.

These are small actions,

but I think they may go a long way
into reducing the empathy gap.

As we move to a more
and more connected world,

they may improve a lot
the quality of our social interactions.

Thank you.

(Applause)