- [Brian] I don't know.
I'd be a lot better off if I would have studied more
when I was growing up, you know?
But you know where it all went wrong
was the day they started the spelling bee.
'Cause up until that day, I was an idiot,
but nobody else knew, you know?
Then the spelling bee day popped up.
"All right kids, up against the wall.
"It's time for public humiliation.
"Spell a word wrong, sit down in front of your friends."
You know, that's great for little egos.
"Hey, look at me, I'm a moron.
"I wasn't even close.
"I was using numbers and stuff."
That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong
on purpose so he could sit down, you know?
He knew he wasn't gonna win
so why stand there for three hours?
First round, cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here.
Then as he passed you, "Haha, I know there's two Ts."
I remember my teacher asked me,
"Brian, what's the I before E rule?"
"Huh.
Um, I before E always."
"What are you, an idiot, Brian?"
"Apparently."
So she explains it, "No Brian, it's I before E
"except after C, and when sounding like A,
"as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays
"and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong
"no matter what you say."
"Oh, that's a hard rule.
"That's a rough rule."
Plurals were hard too.
"Brian, how do you make a word a plural?"
"Oh.
"You put a S.
"You put a S at the end of it."
"When?"
"Huh.
"On weekends and holidays."
"No Brian, no. Let me show you."
So she asked this kid who knew everything, Irwin.
"Irwin, Irwin, what is the plural for ox?"
"Oxen. The farmer used his oxen."
"Brian?"
"What?"
"Brian, what's the plural for box?"
"Boxen.
"I bought two boxen of donuts."
"No, no, Brian. No.
"Let's try another one.
"Irwin, what is the plural for goose?"
"Geese. I saw a flock of geese."
"Brian?"
"What?"
"What's the plural for moose?"
"Moosen! I saw a flock of moosen!
"There are many of 'em, many, much moosen,
"out in the woods. In the woodes, in the woodsen.
"The meese wanted food. Food is to eat nizzit.
"The meese wanted food in the woodingizzit.
"In the food in the woodingizzit."
"Brian, Brian, you're an imbecile."
"Imbecilen."
"What are you, speaking German, Brian?"
"German. Germane! Jermaine Jackson!
"Jackson Five, Tito!"
"Brian, what the hell are you talking about?"
"I don't know. I don't know really."