[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.66,0:00:02.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It may sound strange to bring up work,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.66,0:00:03.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when we fall in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.90,0:00:07.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we often consider\Nwhat that love will do to our life,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.37,0:00:10.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our work and careers\Nare a big part of that.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.19,0:00:12.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[The Way We Work]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.77,0:00:14.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Made possible with\Nthe support of Dropbox]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.82,0:00:17.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All working couples face hard choices,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.70,0:00:20.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and these can feel like a zero-sum game.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.04,0:00:22.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One partner gets offered\Na job in another city,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.68,0:00:25.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so the other needs to leave\Ntheir job and start over.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.61,0:00:29.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One partner takes on more childcare\Nand puts their career on hold
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.07,0:00:32.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so the other can pursue\Nan exciting promotion.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.09,0:00:34.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One gains and one loses.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.62,0:00:38.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while some couples who make\Nthese choices are satisfied,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.07,0:00:40.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,others regret them bitterly.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.60,0:00:42.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What makes the difference?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.64,0:00:45.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've spent the last seven years\Nstudying working couples,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.40,0:00:48.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've found that it's not\Nwhat couples choose,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.22,0:00:50.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's how they choose.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.21,0:00:53.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course, we can't control\Nour circumstances,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.31,0:00:55.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,nor do we have limitless choices.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.55,0:00:56.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for those we do,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.95,0:00:59.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how can couples choose well?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.52,0:01:03.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First: start early, long before\Nyou have something to decide.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.89,0:01:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The moment you're faced\Nwith a hard choice,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.98,0:01:08.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,say, whether one of you\Nshould go back to school
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.29,0:01:09.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or take a risky job offer,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.58,0:01:10.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's too late.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.77,0:01:15.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Choosing well begins with understanding\Neach other's aspirations early on --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.64,0:01:19.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,aspirations like wanting\Nto start a small business,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.12,0:01:20.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,live close to extended family,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.96,0:01:23.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,save enough money\Nto buy a house of our own
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.04,0:01:24.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or have another child.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.50,0:01:27.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Many of us measure our lives\Nby comparing what we're doing
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.01,0:01:30.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with our aspirations.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.03,0:01:31.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When the gap is small,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.60,0:01:33.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we feel content.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.36,0:01:34.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When it's large,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.54,0:01:35.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we feel unhappy.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.71,0:01:37.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if we're part of a couple,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.47,0:01:40.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we place at least some of that blame\Nwith our partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.34,0:01:42.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Set aside time at least twice a year
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.79,0:01:45.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to discuss your aspirations.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.06,0:01:48.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a big fan of keeping a written record\Nof these conversations.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.75,0:01:51.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Putting pen to paper with our partners
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.40,0:01:53.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,helps us remember each other's aspirations
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.97,0:01:56.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that we're writing\Nthe story of our lives together.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.96,0:01:58.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Next: eliminate options
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.65,0:02:01.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that don't support the life\Nyou want to live together.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.48,0:02:06.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can do this agreeing on boundaries\Nthat make hard choices easier.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.05,0:02:10.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Boundaries like geography:\NWhere would you like to live and work?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.15,0:02:14.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Time: How many working hours a week\Nwill make family life possible?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.88,0:02:18.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Travel: How much work travel\Ncan you really stand?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.50,0:02:21.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Once you've agreed to your boundaries,\Nthe choice becomes easy
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.54,0:02:24.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when faced with an opportunity\Nthat falls outside of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.71,0:02:26.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm not going to interview for that job,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.76,0:02:29.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we've agreed we don't\Nwant to move across country."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.57,0:02:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, "I'm going to cut back on my overtime
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.86,0:02:35.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we've agreed it's essential\Nwe spend more time together as a family."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.96,0:02:38.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Couples who understand\Neach other's aspirations
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.83,0:02:41.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and commit to strong boundaries
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.34,0:02:45.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can let go of seemingly attractive\Nopportunities without regret.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.75,0:02:49.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're faced with an opportunity\Nthat falls within your boundaries,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.10,0:02:51.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then what matters is\Nthat the choices you make
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.81,0:02:54.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,keep your couple in balance over time,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.84,0:02:58.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even if they don't perfectly align\Nwith both partners' aspirations
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.26,0:02:59.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the same time.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.86,0:03:02.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If your choices are mainly\Ndriven by one partner
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.75,0:03:06.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or support one partner's aspirations\Nmore than the other,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.23,0:03:08.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an imbalance of power will develop.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.02,0:03:11.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That imbalance, I've found,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.18,0:03:15.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the reason most\Nworking couples who fail do so.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.11,0:03:17.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eventually, one gets fed up\Nwith being a prop
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.72,0:03:19.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rather than a partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.29,0:03:20.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To avoid this,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.78,0:03:23.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,track your decisions over time.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.48,0:03:25.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unlike your aspirations and boundaries,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.54,0:03:29.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's no need to keep a detailed record\Nof every decision you make.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.20,0:03:33.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just keep an open conversation going\Nabout how able each of you feel
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.67,0:03:36.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to shape decisions that affect you both.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.82,0:03:39.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How will you know you've chosen well?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.07,0:03:40.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One common misunderstanding
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.55,0:03:43.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that you can only know\Nwhat choice is right in hindsight.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.68,0:03:46.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And maybe it's true\Nwe judge life backwards,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.29,0:03:48.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we must live it forwards.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.17,0:03:51.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've found that couples\Nwho look back on a choice as a good one
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.33,0:03:54.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,did so not just because\Nof the outcome eventually;
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.28,0:03:59.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they did it because that choice empowered\Nthem individually and as a couple
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.10,0:04:00.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as they made it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.60,0:04:02.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It wasn't what they chose,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.66,0:04:05.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was that they were\Nchoosing deliberately,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.46,0:04:09.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that made them feel\Ncloser and freer together.