WEBVTT 00:00:00.660 --> 00:00:02.636 It may sound strange to bring up work, 00:00:02.660 --> 00:00:03.872 but when we fall in love, 00:00:03.896 --> 00:00:07.346 we often consider what that love will do to our life, 00:00:07.370 --> 00:00:10.607 and our work and careers are a big part of that. 00:00:11.186 --> 00:00:12.749 [The Way We Work] 00:00:12.773 --> 00:00:14.797 [Made possible with the support of Dropbox] 00:00:14.821 --> 00:00:17.676 All working couples face hard choices, 00:00:17.700 --> 00:00:20.016 and these can feel like a zero-sum game. 00:00:20.040 --> 00:00:22.656 One partner gets offered a job in another city, 00:00:22.680 --> 00:00:25.586 so the other needs to leave their job and start over. 00:00:25.610 --> 00:00:29.046 One partner takes on more childcare and puts their career on hold 00:00:29.070 --> 00:00:32.066 so the other can pursue an exciting promotion. 00:00:32.090 --> 00:00:34.596 One gains and one loses. 00:00:34.620 --> 00:00:38.046 And while some couples who make these choices are satisfied, 00:00:38.070 --> 00:00:40.573 others regret them bitterly. 00:00:40.597 --> 00:00:42.616 What makes the difference? 00:00:42.640 --> 00:00:45.376 I've spent the last seven years studying working couples, 00:00:45.400 --> 00:00:48.196 and I found that it's not what couples choose, 00:00:48.220 --> 00:00:50.186 it's how they choose. 00:00:50.210 --> 00:00:53.286 Of course, we can't control our circumstances, 00:00:53.310 --> 00:00:55.526 nor do we have limitless choices. 00:00:55.550 --> 00:00:56.927 But for those we do, 00:00:56.951 --> 00:00:59.495 how can couples choose well? 00:00:59.519 --> 00:01:03.866 First: start early, long before you have something to decide. 00:01:03.890 --> 00:01:05.958 The moment you're faced with a hard choice, 00:01:05.982 --> 00:01:08.262 say, whether one of you should go back to school 00:01:08.286 --> 00:01:09.554 or take a risky job offer, 00:01:09.578 --> 00:01:10.745 it's too late. 00:01:10.769 --> 00:01:15.616 Choosing well begins with understanding each other's aspirations early on -- 00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:19.096 aspirations like wanting to start a small business, 00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:20.936 live close to extended family, 00:01:20.960 --> 00:01:23.016 save enough money to buy a house of our own 00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:24.476 or have another child. 00:01:24.500 --> 00:01:27.988 Many of us measure our lives by comparing what we're doing 00:01:28.012 --> 00:01:30.006 with our aspirations. 00:01:30.030 --> 00:01:31.571 When the gap is small, 00:01:31.595 --> 00:01:33.336 we feel content. 00:01:33.360 --> 00:01:34.511 When it's large, 00:01:34.535 --> 00:01:35.686 we feel unhappy. 00:01:35.710 --> 00:01:37.444 And if we're part of a couple, 00:01:37.468 --> 00:01:40.316 we place at least some of that blame with our partner. 00:01:40.340 --> 00:01:42.766 Set aside time at least twice a year 00:01:42.790 --> 00:01:45.036 to discuss your aspirations. 00:01:45.060 --> 00:01:48.726 I'm a big fan of keeping a written record of these conversations. 00:01:48.750 --> 00:01:51.381 Putting pen to paper with our partners 00:01:51.405 --> 00:01:53.946 helps us remember each other's aspirations 00:01:53.970 --> 00:01:56.936 and that we're writing the story of our lives together. 00:01:56.960 --> 00:01:58.627 Next: eliminate options 00:01:58.651 --> 00:02:01.456 that don't support the life you want to live together. 00:02:01.480 --> 00:02:06.026 You can do this agreeing on boundaries that make hard choices easier. 00:02:06.050 --> 00:02:10.126 Boundaries like geography: Where would you like to live and work? 00:02:10.150 --> 00:02:14.856 Time: How many working hours a week will make family life possible? 00:02:14.880 --> 00:02:18.476 Travel: How much work travel can you really stand? 00:02:18.500 --> 00:02:21.512 Once you've agreed to your boundaries, the choice becomes easy 00:02:21.536 --> 00:02:24.686 when faced with an opportunity that falls outside of them. 00:02:24.710 --> 00:02:26.736 "I'm not going to interview for that job, 00:02:26.760 --> 00:02:29.546 because we've agreed we don't want to move across country." 00:02:29.570 --> 00:02:31.836 Or, "I'm going to cut back on my overtime 00:02:31.860 --> 00:02:35.936 because we've agreed it's essential we spend more time together as a family." 00:02:35.960 --> 00:02:38.806 Couples who understand each other's aspirations 00:02:38.830 --> 00:02:41.321 and commit to strong boundaries 00:02:41.345 --> 00:02:45.726 can let go of seemingly attractive opportunities without regret. 00:02:45.750 --> 00:02:49.078 If you're faced with an opportunity that falls within your boundaries, 00:02:49.102 --> 00:02:51.786 then what matters is that the choices you make 00:02:51.810 --> 00:02:54.816 keep your couple in balance over time, 00:02:54.840 --> 00:02:58.238 even if they don't perfectly align with both partners' aspirations 00:02:58.262 --> 00:02:59.836 at the same time. 00:02:59.860 --> 00:03:02.726 If your choices are mainly driven by one partner 00:03:02.750 --> 00:03:06.206 or support one partner's aspirations more than the other, 00:03:06.230 --> 00:03:08.996 an imbalance of power will develop. 00:03:09.020 --> 00:03:11.156 That imbalance, I've found, 00:03:11.180 --> 00:03:15.086 is the reason most working couples who fail do so. 00:03:15.110 --> 00:03:17.700 Eventually, one gets fed up with being a prop 00:03:17.724 --> 00:03:19.266 rather than a partner. 00:03:19.290 --> 00:03:20.756 To avoid this, 00:03:20.780 --> 00:03:23.456 track your decisions over time. 00:03:23.480 --> 00:03:25.516 Unlike your aspirations and boundaries, 00:03:25.540 --> 00:03:29.176 there's no need to keep a detailed record of every decision you make. 00:03:29.200 --> 00:03:33.646 Just keep an open conversation going about how able each of you feel 00:03:33.670 --> 00:03:36.234 to shape decisions that affect you both. 00:03:36.820 --> 00:03:39.046 How will you know you've chosen well? 00:03:39.070 --> 00:03:40.530 One common misunderstanding 00:03:40.554 --> 00:03:43.656 is that you can only know what choice is right in hindsight. 00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:46.266 And maybe it's true we judge life backwards, 00:03:46.290 --> 00:03:48.146 but we must live it forwards. 00:03:48.170 --> 00:03:51.306 I've found that couples who look back on a choice as a good one 00:03:51.330 --> 00:03:54.256 did so not just because of the outcome eventually; 00:03:54.280 --> 00:03:59.071 they did it because that choice empowered them individually and as a couple 00:03:59.095 --> 00:04:00.576 as they made it. 00:04:00.600 --> 00:04:02.636 It wasn't what they chose, 00:04:02.660 --> 00:04:05.436 it was that they were choosing deliberately, 00:04:05.460 --> 00:04:09.023 and that made them feel closer and freer together.