0:00:00.000,0:00:01.976
So, I'll start with this:

0:00:02.000,0:00:04.191
a couple years ago,[br]an event planner called me

0:00:04.215,0:00:06.263
because I was going[br]to do a speaking event.

0:00:06.287,0:00:07.976
And she called, and she said,

0:00:08.000,0:00:11.976
"I'm really struggling with how[br]to write about you on the little flyer."

0:00:12.000,0:00:14.048
And I thought,[br]"Well, what's the struggle?"

0:00:14.072,0:00:15.976
And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

0:00:16.000,0:00:18.976
and I'm going to call you[br]a researcher, I think,

0:00:19.000,0:00:21.887
but I'm afraid if I call you[br]a researcher, no one will come,

0:00:21.919,0:00:24.377
because they'll think[br]you're boring and irrelevant."

0:00:24.401,0:00:25.377
(Laughter)

0:00:25.401,0:00:26.976
And I was like, "Okay."

0:00:27.000,0:00:29.477
And she said, "But the thing[br]I liked about your talk

0:00:29.501,0:00:30.976
is you're a storyteller.

0:00:31.000,0:00:33.976
So I think what I'll do[br]is just call you a storyteller."

0:00:34.000,0:00:36.976
And of course, the academic,[br]insecure part of me

0:00:37.000,0:00:39.790
was like, "You're going[br]to call me a what?"

0:00:39.853,0:00:42.362
And she said, "I'm going[br]to call you a storyteller."

0:00:42.386,0:00:45.433
And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?"

0:00:45.497,0:00:47.976
(Laughter)

0:00:48.000,0:00:50.976
I was like, "Let me think[br]about this for a second."

0:00:51.000,0:00:53.976
I tried to call deep on my courage.

0:00:54.000,0:00:56.976
And I thought, you know,[br]I am a storyteller.

0:00:57.000,0:00:58.976
I'm a qualitative researcher.

0:00:59.000,0:01:00.976
I collect stories; that's what I do.

0:01:01.000,0:01:03.976
And maybe stories[br]are just data with a soul.

0:01:04.000,0:01:05.976
And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

0:01:06.000,0:01:07.976
And so I said, "You know what?

0:01:08.000,0:01:10.976
Why don't you just say[br]I'm a researcher-storyteller."

0:01:11.000,0:01:13.976
And she went, "Ha ha.[br]There's no such thing."

0:01:14.000,0:01:15.976
(Laughter)

0:01:16.000,0:01:19.976
So I'm a researcher-storyteller,[br]and I'm going to talk to you today --

0:01:20.000,0:01:22.048
we're talking about expanding[br]perception --

0:01:22.072,0:01:24.453
and so I want to talk to you[br]and tell some stories

0:01:24.477,0:01:29.976
about a piece of my research[br]that fundamentally expanded my perception

0:01:30.000,0:01:32.976
and really actually changed[br]the way that I live and love

0:01:33.000,0:01:34.976
and work and parent.

0:01:35.000,0:01:36.976
And this is where my story starts.

0:01:37.000,0:01:39.976
When I was a young researcher,[br]doctoral student,

0:01:40.000,0:01:43.976
my first year I had a research[br]professor who said to us,

0:01:44.000,0:01:48.976
"Here's the thing, if you cannot[br]measure it, it does not exist."

0:01:49.000,0:01:51.976
And I thought he was just[br]sweet-talking me.

0:01:52.000,0:01:54.976
I was like, "Really?"[br]and he was like, "Absolutely."

0:01:55.000,0:01:56.714
And so you have to understand

0:01:56.761,0:01:59.976
that I have a bachelor's in social work,[br]a master's in social work,

0:02:00.000,0:02:03.476
and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,[br]so my entire academic career

0:02:03.500,0:02:09.976
was surrounded by people who kind of[br]believed in the "life's messy, love it."

0:02:10.000,0:02:14.976
And I'm more of the, "life's messy,[br]clean it up, organize it

0:02:15.000,0:02:16.976
and put it into a bento box."

0:02:17.000,0:02:18.976
(Laughter)

0:02:19.650,0:02:24.976
And so to think that I had found my way,[br]to found a career that takes me --

0:02:25.000,0:02:27.976
really, one of the big sayings[br]in social work

0:02:28.000,0:02:30.976
is, "Lean into the discomfort[br]of the work."

0:02:31.000,0:02:33.976
And I'm like, knock discomfort[br]upside the head

0:02:34.000,0:02:35.976
and move it over and get all A's.

0:02:36.000,0:02:38.976
That was my mantra.

0:02:39.000,0:02:40.976
So I was very excited about this.

0:02:41.000,0:02:43.976
And so I thought, you know what,[br]this is the career for me,

0:02:44.000,0:02:46.976
because I am interested[br]in some messy topics.

0:02:47.000,0:02:47.978
But I want to be able

0:02:48.003,0:02:49.167
to make them not messy.

0:02:50.055,0:02:51.376
I want to understand them.

0:02:51.400,0:02:54.976
I want to hack into these things[br]I know are important

0:02:55.000,0:02:56.976
and lay the code out for everyone to see.

0:02:57.000,0:02:59.976
So where I started was with connection.

0:03:00.000,0:03:02.976
Because, by the time[br]you're a social worker for 10 years,

0:03:03.000,0:03:07.976
what you realize is that connection[br]is why we're here.

0:03:08.000,0:03:10.976
It's what gives purpose[br]and meaning to our lives.

0:03:11.682,0:03:13.076
This is what it's all about.

0:03:13.100,0:03:15.196
It doesn't matter whether[br]you talk to people

0:03:15.220,0:03:18.311
who work in social justice,[br]mental health and abuse and neglect,

0:03:18.335,0:03:22.976
what we know is that connection,[br]the ability to feel connected, is --

0:03:23.000,0:03:25.976
neurobiologically[br]that's how we're wired --

0:03:26.000,0:03:27.976
it's why we're here.

0:03:28.000,0:03:31.013
So I thought, you know what,[br]I'm going to start with connection.

0:03:31.823,0:03:33.976
Well, you know that situation

0:03:34.000,0:03:36.048
where you get an evaluation[br]from your boss,

0:03:36.072,0:03:38.976
and she tells you 37 things[br]you do really awesome,

0:03:39.000,0:03:41.143
and one "opportunity for growth?"

0:03:41.167,0:03:42.976
(Laughter)

0:03:43.841,0:03:47.253
And all you can think about[br]is that opportunity for growth, right?

0:03:47.301,0:03:49.976
Well, apparently this is the way[br]my work went as well,

0:03:50.000,0:03:54.976
because, when you ask people about love,[br]they tell you about heartbreak.

0:03:55.000,0:03:56.976
When you ask people about belonging,

0:03:57.000,0:04:01.976
they'll tell you their most excruciating[br]experiences of being excluded.

0:04:02.000,0:04:03.976
And when you ask people about connection,

0:04:04.000,0:04:06.976
the stories they told me[br]were about disconnection.

0:04:07.676,0:04:10.700
So very quickly -- really about six weeks[br]into this research --

0:04:10.724,0:04:15.976
I ran into this unnamed thing[br]that absolutely unraveled connection

0:04:16.930,0:04:19.740
in a way that I didn't understand[br]or had never seen.

0:04:19.819,0:04:21.777
And so I pulled back out of the research

0:04:21.801,0:04:24.075
and thought, I need[br]to figure out what this is.

0:04:24.100,0:04:26.279
And it turned out to be shame.

0:04:27.898,0:04:31.176
And shame is really easily understood[br]as the fear of disconnection:

0:04:31.866,0:04:35.866
Is there something about me that,[br]if other people know it or see it,

0:04:36.453,0:04:38.976
that I won't be worthy of connection?

0:04:39.000,0:04:40.976
The things I can tell you about it:

0:04:41.000,0:04:42.976
it's universal; we all have it.

0:04:43.000,0:04:45.000
The only people who don't experience shame

0:04:45.024,0:04:47.358
have no capacity for human[br]empathy or connection.

0:04:47.382,0:04:48.976
No one wants to talk about it,

0:04:49.000,0:04:51.650
and the less you talk about it[br]the more you have it.

0:04:53.714,0:04:57.976
What underpinned this shame,[br]this "I'm not good enough," --

0:04:58.000,0:04:59.976
which we all know that feeling:

0:05:00.000,0:05:02.048
"I'm not blank enough.[br]I'm not thin enough,

0:05:02.072,0:05:05.976
rich enough, beautiful enough,[br]smart enough, promoted enough."

0:05:06.000,0:05:10.976
The thing that underpinned this[br]was excruciating vulnerability,

0:05:11.000,0:05:14.976
this idea of, in order[br]for connection to happen,

0:05:15.000,0:05:19.976
we have to allow ourselves[br]to be seen, really seen.

0:05:20.000,0:05:23.143
And you know how I feel[br]about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

0:05:23.167,0:05:27.976
And so I thought, this is my chance[br]to beat it back with my measuring stick.

0:05:28.000,0:05:30.976
I'm going in, I'm going[br]to figure this stuff out,

0:05:31.000,0:05:34.143
I'm going to spend a year, I'm going[br]to totally deconstruct shame,

0:05:34.167,0:05:36.453
I'm going to understand[br]how vulnerability works,

0:05:36.477,0:05:38.976
and I'm going to outsmart it.

0:05:39.000,0:05:42.000
So I was ready, and I was really excited.

0:05:44.797,0:05:46.943
As you know,[br]it's not going to turn out well.

0:05:46.967,0:05:49.479
(Laughter)

0:05:49.523,0:05:50.976
You know this.

0:05:51.000,0:05:52.976
So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

0:05:53.000,0:05:55.096
but I'd have to borrow[br]everyone else's time.

0:05:55.120,0:05:57.976
But here's what I can tell you[br]that it boils down to --

0:05:58.000,0:06:01.381
and this may be one of the most important[br]things that I've ever learned

0:06:01.405,0:06:03.269
in the decade of doing this research.

0:06:04.698,0:06:07.976
My one year turned into six years:

0:06:08.960,0:06:12.976
thousands of stories, hundreds[br]of long interviews, focus groups.

0:06:13.000,0:06:15.381
At one point, people were[br]sending me journal pages

0:06:15.405,0:06:17.476
and sending me their stories --

0:06:17.501,0:06:20.976
thousands of pieces of data in six years.

0:06:21.000,0:06:22.976
And I kind of got a handle on it.

0:06:23.000,0:06:26.747
I kind of understood, this is[br]what shame is, this is how it works.

0:06:28.081,0:06:33.976
I wrote a book, I published a theory,[br]but something was not okay --

0:06:34.000,0:06:38.000
and what it was is that, if I roughly[br]took the people I interviewed

0:06:38.024,0:06:44.881
and divided them into people who really[br]have a sense of worthiness --

0:06:44.944,0:06:47.976
that's what this comes down to,[br]a sense of worthiness --

0:06:48.000,0:06:50.976
they have a strong sense[br]of love and belonging --

0:06:51.000,0:06:52.976
and folks who struggle for it,

0:06:53.000,0:06:55.920
and folks who are always wondering[br]if they're good enough.

0:06:55.968,0:06:58.206
There was only one variable that separated

0:06:58.237,0:07:00.976
the people who have a strong sense[br]of love and belonging

0:07:01.000,0:07:03.000
and the people who really struggle for it.

0:07:03.024,0:07:06.976
And that was, the people who have[br]a strong sense of love and belonging

0:07:07.000,0:07:09.976
believe they're worthy[br]of love and belonging.

0:07:10.000,0:07:11.976
That's it.

0:07:12.000,0:07:14.000
They believe they're worthy.

0:07:15.000,0:07:20.976
And to me, the hard part of the one thing[br]that keeps us out of connection

0:07:21.000,0:07:23.976
is our fear that we're not[br]worthy of connection,

0:07:24.000,0:07:26.381
was something that,[br]personally and professionally,

0:07:26.405,0:07:28.976
I felt like I needed to understand better.

0:07:29.000,0:07:33.976
So what I did is I took[br]all of the interviews

0:07:34.000,0:07:36.976
where I saw worthiness,[br]where I saw people living that way,

0:07:37.000,0:07:39.976
and just looked at those.

0:07:40.000,0:07:41.976
What do these people have in common?

0:07:42.000,0:07:46.976
I have a slight office supply addiction,[br]but that's another talk.

0:07:47.000,0:07:49.976
So I had a manila folder,[br]and I had a Sharpie,

0:07:50.000,0:07:52.650
and I was like, what am I going[br]to call this research?

0:07:52.682,0:07:55.976
And the first words that came[br]to my mind were whole-hearted.

0:07:56.000,0:07:59.524
These are whole-hearted people,[br]living from this deep sense of worthiness.

0:07:59.548,0:08:01.976
So I wrote at the top[br]of the manila folder,

0:08:02.000,0:08:03.976
and I started looking at the data.

0:08:04.000,0:08:10.976
In fact, I did it first in a four-day[br]very intensive data analysis,

0:08:11.000,0:08:14.576
where I went back, pulled the interviews,[br]the stories, pulled the incidents.

0:08:14.600,0:08:16.976
What's the theme? What's the pattern?

0:08:17.000,0:08:19.976
My husband left town with the kids

0:08:20.000,0:08:22.976
because I always go into this[br]Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

0:08:23.000,0:08:27.976
where I'm just writing[br]and in my researcher mode.

0:08:28.000,0:08:30.000
And so here's what I found.

0:08:32.672,0:08:35.976
What they had in common[br]was a sense of courage.

0:08:36.000,0:08:39.076
And I want to separate courage[br]and bravery for you for a minute.

0:08:39.100,0:08:41.196
Courage, the original[br]definition of courage,

0:08:41.220,0:08:43.458
when it first came[br]into the English language --

0:08:43.482,0:08:46.246
it's from the Latin word cor, meaning[br]heart --

0:08:46.270,0:08:49.277
and the original definition was to tell[br]the story of who you are

0:08:49.301,0:08:50.715
with your whole heart.

0:08:51.768,0:08:56.952
And so these folks had, very simply,[br]the courage to be imperfect.

0:08:58.000,0:09:02.976
They had the compassion to be kind[br]to themselves first and then to others,

0:09:03.000,0:09:04.571
because, as it turns out,

0:09:04.596,0:09:06.829
we can't practice compassion[br]with other people

0:09:06.853,0:09:08.596
if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

0:09:09.000,0:09:12.976
And the last was they had connection,[br]and -- this was the hard part --

0:09:13.000,0:09:15.976
as a result of authenticity,

0:09:16.000,0:09:18.976
they were willing to let go[br]of who they thought they should be

0:09:19.000,0:09:23.976
in order to be who they were,[br]which you have to absolutely do that

0:09:24.000,0:09:26.000
for connection.

0:09:28.000,0:09:32.000
The other thing that they had[br]in common was this:

0:09:35.000,0:09:38.000
They fully embraced vulnerability.

0:09:40.412,0:09:47.063
They believed that what made them[br]vulnerable made them beautiful.

0:09:50.850,0:09:53.976
They didn't talk about vulnerability[br]being comfortable,

0:09:54.000,0:09:56.976
nor did they really talk[br]about it being excruciating --

0:09:57.000,0:09:59.477
as I had heard it earlier[br]in the shame interviewing.

0:09:59.501,0:10:02.501
They just talked about it being necessary.

0:10:03.000,0:10:08.985
They talked about the willingness[br]to say, "I love you" first,

0:10:09.079,0:10:15.976
the willingness to do something[br]where there are no guarantees,

0:10:16.000,0:10:20.334
the willingness to breathe[br]through waiting for the doctor to call

0:10:20.358,0:10:21.913
after your mammogram.

0:10:23.396,0:10:26.556
They're willing to invest[br]in a relationship

0:10:26.581,0:10:28.976
that may or may not work out.

0:10:29.000,0:10:30.870
They thought this was fundamental.

0:10:32.000,0:10:34.976
I personally thought it was betrayal.

0:10:35.000,0:10:39.976
I could not believe I had pledged[br]allegiance to research, where our job --

0:10:40.000,0:10:44.127
you know, the definition of research[br]is to control and predict,

0:10:44.152,0:10:48.976
to study phenomena, for the explicit[br]reason to control and predict.

0:10:49.000,0:10:52.976
And now my mission to control and predict

0:10:53.000,0:10:56.191
had turned up the answer[br]that the way to live is with vulnerability

0:10:56.215,0:10:58.976
and to stop controlling and predicting.

0:10:59.000,0:11:01.976
This led to a little breakdown --

0:11:02.000,0:11:05.976
(Laughter)

0:11:06.000,0:11:08.976
-- which actually looked more like this.

0:11:09.000,0:11:10.976
(Laughter)

0:11:11.000,0:11:12.976
And it did.

0:11:13.000,0:11:16.155
I call it a breakdown; my therapist[br]calls it a spiritual awakening.

0:11:16.179,0:11:17.412
(Laughter)

0:11:17.460,0:11:19.876
A spiritual awakening[br]sounds better than breakdown,

0:11:19.900,0:11:21.676
but I assure you it was a breakdown.

0:11:21.700,0:11:24.272
And I had to put my data away[br]and go find a therapist.

0:11:24.296,0:11:26.576
Let me tell you something:[br]you know who you are

0:11:26.600,0:11:29.839
when you call your friends and say,[br]"I think I need to see somebody.

0:11:29.863,0:11:31.976
Do you have any recommendations?"

0:11:32.000,0:11:34.048
Because about five[br]of my friends were like,

0:11:34.072,0:11:36.215
"Wooo, I wouldn't want[br]to be your therapist."

0:11:36.239,0:11:38.976
(Laughter)

0:11:39.000,0:11:40.976
I was like, "What does that mean?"

0:11:41.000,0:11:43.976
And they're like,[br]"I'm just saying, you know.

0:11:44.000,0:11:45.952
Don't bring your measuring stick."

0:11:45.976,0:11:48.249
(Laughter)

0:11:48.281,0:11:50.233
I was like, "Okay."

0:11:51.000,0:11:52.976
So I found a therapist.

0:11:53.000,0:11:55.444
My first meeting with her, Diana --

0:11:56.682,0:12:00.976
I brought in my list of the way[br]the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.

0:12:01.000,0:12:02.976
And she said, "How are you?"

0:12:03.000,0:12:05.976
And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

0:12:06.000,0:12:07.976
She said, "What's going on?"

0:12:08.000,0:12:10.976
And this is a therapist[br]who sees therapists,

0:12:11.000,0:12:15.976
because we have to go to those,[br]because their B.S. meters are good.

0:12:16.000,0:12:17.976
(Laughter)

0:12:18.000,0:12:21.976
And so I said, "Here's the thing,[br]I'm struggling."

0:12:22.000,0:12:23.976
And she said, "What's the struggle?"

0:12:24.000,0:12:26.976
And I said, "Well, I have[br]a vulnerability issue.

0:12:27.000,0:12:31.976
And I know that vulnerability[br]is the core of shame and fear

0:12:32.000,0:12:33.976
and our struggle for worthiness,

0:12:34.000,0:12:39.976
but it appears that it's also[br]the birthplace of joy, of creativity,

0:12:40.000,0:12:41.976
of belonging, of love.

0:12:42.000,0:12:46.976
And I think I have a problem,[br]and I need some help."

0:12:47.000,0:12:52.976
And I said, "But here's the thing:[br]no family stuff, no childhood shit."

0:12:53.000,0:12:54.976
(Laughter)

0:12:55.000,0:12:57.976
"I just need some strategies."

0:12:58.000,0:13:01.976
(Laughter)

0:13:02.000,0:13:05.699
(Applause)

0:13:05.762,0:13:07.762
Thank you.

0:13:09.000,0:13:10.477
So she goes like this.

0:13:12.000,0:13:13.976
(Laughter)

0:13:14.000,0:13:16.976
And then I said, "It's bad, right?"

0:13:17.000,0:13:19.976
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."

0:13:20.000,0:13:21.976
(Laughter)

0:13:22.000,0:13:23.976
"It just is what it is."

0:13:24.000,0:13:26.976
And I said, "Oh my God,[br]this is going to suck."

0:13:27.000,0:13:29.976
(Laughter)

0:13:30.000,0:13:31.976
And it did, and it didn't.

0:13:32.000,0:13:34.976
And it took about a year.

0:13:35.000,0:13:36.976
And you know how there are people

0:13:37.000,0:13:40.429
that, when they realize that vulnerability[br]and tenderness are important,

0:13:40.453,0:13:42.976
that they surrender and walk into it.

0:13:43.884,0:13:45.276
A: that's not me,

0:13:45.300,0:13:47.976
and B: I don't even hang out[br]with people like that.

0:13:48.000,0:13:50.976
(Laughter)

0:13:51.000,0:13:53.976
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.

0:13:54.000,0:13:55.976
It was a slugfest.

0:13:56.000,0:13:57.976
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

0:13:58.000,0:14:00.976
I lost the fight,

0:14:01.000,0:14:02.976
but probably won my life back.

0:14:03.000,0:14:04.976
And so then I went back into the research

0:14:05.000,0:14:06.976
and spent the next couple of years

0:14:07.000,0:14:09.976
really trying to understand[br]what they, the whole-hearted,

0:14:10.000,0:14:15.976
what choices they were making,[br]and what are we doing with vulnerability.

0:14:16.000,0:14:17.976
Why do we struggle with it so much?

0:14:18.000,0:14:20.525
Am I alone in struggling[br]with vulnerability?

0:14:21.763,0:14:22.976
No.

0:14:23.000,0:14:25.000
So this is what I learned.

0:14:26.636,0:14:28.976
We numb vulnerability --

0:14:29.000,0:14:30.976
when we're waiting for the call.

0:14:31.000,0:14:33.942
It was funny, I sent something out[br]on Twitter and on Facebook

0:14:33.966,0:14:36.239
that says, "How would you[br]define vulnerability?

0:14:36.263,0:14:37.876
What makes you feel vulnerable?"

0:14:37.900,0:14:40.376
And within an hour and a half,[br]I had 150 responses.

0:14:40.500,0:14:44.100
Because I wanted to know what's out there.

0:14:45.777,0:14:49.976
Having to ask my husband for help[br]because I'm sick, and we're newly married;

0:14:50.000,0:14:52.976
initiating sex with my husband;

0:14:53.000,0:14:54.976
initiating sex with my wife;

0:14:55.000,0:14:57.976
being turned down; asking someone out;

0:14:58.000,0:14:59.976
waiting for the doctor to call back;

0:15:00.000,0:15:03.123
getting laid off; laying off people.

0:15:03.148,0:15:04.774
This is the world we live in.

0:15:05.535,0:15:07.976
We live in a vulnerable world.

0:15:08.000,0:15:11.976
And one of the ways we deal[br]with it is we numb vulnerability.

0:15:12.000,0:15:13.976
And I think there's evidence --

0:15:14.000,0:15:16.381
and it's not the only reason[br]this evidence exists,

0:15:16.405,0:15:18.707
but I think it's a huge cause --

0:15:18.732,0:15:23.197
We are the most in-debt,

0:15:23.222,0:15:25.508
obese,

0:15:25.563,0:15:30.000
addicted and medicated[br]adult cohort in U.S. history.

0:15:33.000,0:15:35.976
The problem is -- and I learned this[br]from the research --

0:15:36.000,0:15:39.530
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

0:15:40.000,0:15:42.976
You can't say, here's the bad stuff.

0:15:43.000,0:15:45.376
Here's vulnerability,[br]here's grief, here's shame,

0:15:45.400,0:15:47.076
here's fear, here's disappointment.

0:15:47.100,0:15:48.976
I don't want to feel these.

0:15:49.000,0:15:51.976
I'm going to have a couple of beers[br]and a banana nut muffin.

0:15:52.000,0:15:54.537
(Laughter)

0:15:54.616,0:15:56.393
I don't want to feel these.

0:15:56.557,0:15:58.276
And I know that's knowing laughter.

0:15:58.300,0:16:00.976
I hack into your lives for a living.

0:16:01.000,0:16:02.976
God.

0:16:03.000,0:16:04.976
(Laughter)

0:16:05.000,0:16:07.976
You can't numb those hard feelings

0:16:08.000,0:16:10.286
without numbing[br]the other affects, our emotions.

0:16:10.310,0:16:11.976
You cannot selectively numb.

0:16:12.000,0:16:14.976
So when we numb those,

0:16:15.000,0:16:16.976
we numb joy,

0:16:17.000,0:16:18.976
we numb gratitude,

0:16:19.000,0:16:20.976
we numb happiness.

0:16:21.873,0:16:24.968
And then we are miserable,

0:16:24.993,0:16:27.013
and we are looking[br]for purpose and meaning,

0:16:27.045,0:16:28.476
and then we feel vulnerable,

0:16:28.500,0:16:31.276
so then we have a couple of beers[br]and a banana nut muffin.

0:16:31.300,0:16:34.666
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

0:16:35.843,0:16:38.976
One of the things that I think[br]we need to think about

0:16:39.000,0:16:40.976
is why and how we numb.

0:16:41.000,0:16:43.447
And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

0:16:45.050,0:16:49.000
The other thing we do is we make[br]everything that's uncertain certain.

0:16:50.000,0:16:54.976
Religion has gone from a belief[br]in faith and mystery to certainty.

0:16:55.000,0:16:57.976
I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up.

0:16:58.000,0:16:59.976
That's it.

0:17:01.184,0:17:02.454
Just certain.

0:17:02.913,0:17:05.329
The more afraid we are,[br]the more vulnerable we are,

0:17:05.353,0:17:06.576
the more afraid we are.

0:17:06.599,0:17:08.476
This is what politics looks like today.

0:17:08.500,0:17:09.976
There's no discourse anymore.

0:17:10.000,0:17:11.976
There's no conversation.

0:17:12.000,0:17:13.976
There's just blame.

0:17:14.000,0:17:16.317
You know how blame[br]is described in the research?

0:17:17.286,0:17:20.286
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

0:17:21.746,0:17:23.175
We perfect.

0:17:23.252,0:17:26.877
If there's anyone who wants their life[br]to look like this, it would be me,

0:17:26.901,0:17:28.276
but it doesn't work.

0:17:28.300,0:17:32.076
Because what we do is we take fat[br]from our butts and put it in our cheeks.

0:17:32.100,0:17:34.976
(Laughter)

0:17:35.000,0:17:38.976
Which just, I hope in 100 years,[br]people will look back and go, "Wow."

0:17:39.000,0:17:40.976
(Laughter)

0:17:41.000,0:17:44.976
And we perfect,[br]most dangerously, our children.

0:17:45.000,0:17:47.143
Let me tell you what we think[br]about children.

0:17:47.167,0:17:49.976
They're hardwired for struggle[br]when they get here.

0:17:50.000,0:17:52.976
And when you hold those perfect[br]little babies in your hand,

0:17:53.000,0:17:55.793
our job is not to say,[br]"Look at her, she's perfect.

0:17:55.888,0:17:57.776
My job is just to keep her perfect --

0:17:57.808,0:18:01.215
make sure she makes the tennis team[br]by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."

0:18:01.239,0:18:02.476
That's not our job.

0:18:02.500,0:18:03.976
Our job is to look and say,

0:18:04.000,0:18:07.048
"You know what? You're imperfect,[br]and you're wired for struggle,

0:18:07.072,0:18:09.072
but you are worthy of love and belonging."

0:18:10.074,0:18:11.582
That's our job.

0:18:11.677,0:18:13.883
Show me a generation[br]of kids raised like that,

0:18:13.931,0:18:16.661
and we'll end the problems[br]I think that we see today.

0:18:16.709,0:18:22.976
We pretend that what we do[br]doesn't have an effect on people.

0:18:23.000,0:18:24.976
We do that in our personal lives.

0:18:25.000,0:18:26.976
We do that corporate --

0:18:27.000,0:18:30.976
whether it's a bailout,[br]an oil spill, a recall --

0:18:31.000,0:18:32.976
we pretend like what we're doing

0:18:33.000,0:18:35.976
doesn't have a huge impact[br]on other people.

0:18:36.000,0:18:39.274
I would say to companies,[br]this is not our first rodeo, people.

0:18:40.436,0:18:44.468
We just need you to be authentic[br]and real and say,

0:18:44.492,0:18:47.000
"We're sorry. We'll fix it."

0:18:50.000,0:18:52.572
But there's another way,[br]and I'll leave you with this.

0:18:52.596,0:18:53.976
This is what I have found:

0:18:54.000,0:19:00.976
to let ourselves be seen,[br]deeply seen, vulnerably seen;

0:19:01.000,0:19:05.814
to love with our whole hearts,[br]even though there's no guarantee --

0:19:05.877,0:19:07.545
and that's really hard,

0:19:07.570,0:19:10.713
and I can tell you as a parent,[br]that's excruciatingly difficult --

0:19:13.068,0:19:16.976
to practice gratitude and joy[br]in those moments of terror,

0:19:17.000,0:19:19.286
when we're wondering,[br]"Can I love you this much?

0:19:19.310,0:19:21.286
Can I believe in this this passionately?

0:19:21.310,0:19:23.976
Can I be this fierce about this?"

0:19:24.000,0:19:27.576
just to be able to stop and, instead of[br]catastrophizing what might happen,

0:19:27.600,0:19:29.576
to say, "I'm just so grateful,

0:19:29.600,0:19:32.000
because to feel this vulnerable[br]means I'm alive."

0:19:33.000,0:19:35.976
And the last, which I think[br]is probably the most important,

0:19:36.000,0:19:38.976
is to believe that we're enough.

0:19:39.000,0:19:44.000
Because when we work from a place,[br]I believe, that says, "I'm enough,"

0:19:45.396,0:19:48.396
then we stop screaming[br]and start listening,

0:19:49.000,0:19:51.334
we're kinder and gentler[br]to the people around us,

0:19:51.358,0:19:53.460
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

0:19:54.698,0:19:56.176
That's all I have. Thank you.

0:19:56.200,0:19:59.000
(Applause)