[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.00,0:00:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I'll start with this:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.00,0:00:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a couple years ago, an event planner called me
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.00,0:00:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was going to do a speaking event.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.00,0:00:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she called, and she said,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.00,0:00:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm really struggling with how
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.00,0:00:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to write about you on the little flier."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.00,0:00:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.00,0:00:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.00,0:00:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.00,0:00:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.00,0:00:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.00,0:00:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.00,0:00:27.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like, "Okay."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.00,0:00:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.00,0:00:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is you're a storyteller.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.00,0:00:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.00,0:00:37.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And of course, the academic, insecure part of me
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.00,0:00:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was like, "You're going to call me a what?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.00,0:00:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.00,0:00:45.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.00,0:00:48.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.00,0:00:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.00,0:00:54.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I tried to call deep on my courage.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.00,0:00:57.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.00,0:00:59.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a qualitative researcher.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.00,0:01:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I collect stories; that's what I do.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.00,0:01:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And maybe stories are just data with a soul.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.00,0:01:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And maybe I'm just a storyteller.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.00,0:01:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I said, "You know what?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.00,0:01:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.00,0:01:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.00,0:01:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.00,0:01:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.00,0:01:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to talk to you today --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.00,0:01:22.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're talking about expanding perception --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.00,0:01:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.00,0:01:27.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about a piece of my research
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.00,0:01:30.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that fundamentally expanded my perception
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.00,0:01:33.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and really actually changed the way that I live and love
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.00,0:01:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and work and parent.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.00,0:01:37.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is where my story starts.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.00,0:01:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.00,0:01:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my first year I had a research professor
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.00,0:01:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who said to us,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.00,0:01:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Here's the thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.00,0:01:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.00,0:01:52.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.00,0:01:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.00,0:01:57.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so you have to understand
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.00,0:01:59.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.00,0:02:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.00,0:02:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so my entire academic career
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.00,0:02:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was surrounded by people
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.00,0:02:07.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who kind of believed
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.00,0:02:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the "life's messy, love it."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.00,0:02:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.00,0:02:15.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,clean it up, organize it
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.00,0:02:17.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and put it into a bento box."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.00,0:02:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.00,0:02:22.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so to think that I had found my way,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.00,0:02:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to found a career that takes me --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.00,0:02:28.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really, one of the big sayings in social work
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.00,0:02:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.00,0:02:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.00,0:02:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and move it over and get all A's.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.00,0:02:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was my mantra.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.00,0:02:41.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was very excited about this.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.00,0:02:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.00,0:02:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I am interested in some messy topics.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.00,0:02:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I want to be able to make them not messy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.00,0:02:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to understand them.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.00,0:02:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to hack into these things
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.00,0:02:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know are important
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.00,0:02:57.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and lay the code out for everyone to see.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.00,0:03:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So where I started was with connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.00,0:03:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.00,0:03:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what you realize
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.00,0:03:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that connection is why we're here.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.00,0:03:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.00,0:03:13.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is what it's all about.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.00,0:03:15.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't matter whether you talk to people
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.00,0:03:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.00,0:03:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what we know is that connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.00,0:03:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the ability to feel connected, is --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.00,0:03:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,neurobiologically that's how we're wired --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.00,0:03:28.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's why we're here.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.00,0:03:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.00,0:03:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, you know that situation
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.00,0:03:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you get an evaluation from your boss,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.00,0:03:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.00,0:03:41.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.00,0:03:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.00,0:03:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.00,0:03:50.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.00,0:03:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, when you ask people about love,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.00,0:03:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they tell you about heartbreak.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.00,0:03:57.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you ask people about belonging,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.00,0:04:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.00,0:04:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of being excluded.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.00,0:04:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you ask people about connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.00,0:04:07.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the stories they told me were about disconnection.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.00,0:04:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.00,0:04:13.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ran into this unnamed thing
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.00,0:04:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that absolutely unraveled connection
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.00,0:04:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.00,0:04:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I pulled back out of the research
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.00,0:04:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and thought, I need to figure out what this is.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.00,0:04:27.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it turned out to be shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.00,0:04:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And shame is really easily understood
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.00,0:04:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as the fear of disconnection:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.00,0:04:33.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is there something about me
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.00,0:04:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that, if other people know it or see it,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.00,0:04:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I won't be worthy of connection?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.00,0:04:41.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The things I can tell you about it:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.00,0:04:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's universal; we all have it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.00,0:04:45.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The only people who don't experience shame
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.00,0:04:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have no capacity for human empathy or connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.00,0:04:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No one wants to talk about it,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.00,0:04:52.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the less you talk about it the more you have it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.00,0:04:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What underpinned this shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.00,0:04:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this "I'm not good enough," --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.00,0:05:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which we all know that feeling:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.00,0:05:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.00,0:05:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.00,0:05:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,promoted enough."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.00,0:05:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The thing that underpinned this
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.00,0:05:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was excruciating vulnerability,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.00,0:05:13.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this idea of,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.00,0:05:15.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order for connection to happen,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.00,0:05:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have to allow ourselves to be seen,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.00,0:05:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really seen.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.00,0:05:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.00,0:05:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I thought, this is my chance
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.00,0:05:28.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to beat it back with my measuring stick.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.00,0:05:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.00,0:05:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.00,0:05:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.00,0:05:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to outsmart it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.00,0:05:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was ready, and I was really excited.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.00,0:05:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.00,0:05:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.00,0:05:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know this.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.00,0:05:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I could tell you a lot about shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.00,0:05:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.00,0:05:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.00,0:06:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.00,0:06:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the decade of doing this research.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.00,0:06:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My one year
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.00,0:06:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,turned into six years:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.00,0:06:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thousands of stories,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.00,0:06:13.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.00,0:06:15.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At one point, people were sending me journal pages
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.00,0:06:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sending me their stories --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.00,0:06:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thousands of pieces of data in six years.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.00,0:06:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I kind of got a handle on it.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.00,0:06:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I kind of understood, this is what shame is,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.00,0:06:27.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is how it works.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.00,0:06:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wrote a book,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.00,0:06:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I published a theory,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.00,0:06:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but something was not okay --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.00,0:06:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what it was is that,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.00,0:06:38.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I roughly took the people I interviewed
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.00,0:06:41.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and divided them into people
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.00,0:06:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who really have a sense of worthiness --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.00,0:06:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's what this comes down to,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.00,0:06:48.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a sense of worthiness --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.00,0:06:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they have a strong sense of love and belonging --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.00,0:06:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and folks who struggle for it,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.00,0:06:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.00,0:06:57.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was only one variable
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.00,0:06:59.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that separated the people who have
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.00,0:07:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a strong sense of love and belonging
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.00,0:07:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the people who really struggle for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.00,0:07:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that was, the people who have
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.00,0:07:07.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a strong sense of love and belonging
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.00,0:07:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,believe they're worthy of love and belonging.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.00,0:07:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's it.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.00,0:07:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They believe they're worthy.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.00,0:07:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And to me, the hard part
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.00,0:07:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the one thing that keeps us out of connection
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.00,0:07:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.00,0:07:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was something that, personally and professionally,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.00,0:07:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt like I needed to understand better.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.00,0:07:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what I did
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.00,0:07:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is I took all of the interviews
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.00,0:07:37.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.00,0:07:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and just looked at those.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.00,0:07:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What do these people have in common?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.00,0:07:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have a slight office supply addiction,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.00,0:07:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that's another talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.00,0:07:50.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.00,0:07:52.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was like, what am I going to call this research?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.00,0:07:54.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the first words that came to my mind
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.00,0:07:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were whole-hearted.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.00,0:07:59.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.00,0:08:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.00,0:08:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I started looking at the data.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.00,0:08:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, I did it first
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.00,0:08:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a four-day
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.00,0:08:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very intensive data analysis,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.00,0:08:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.00,0:08:17.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the theme? What's the pattern?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.00,0:08:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My husband left town with the kids
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.00,0:08:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.00,0:08:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I'm just like writing
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.00,0:08:28.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in my researcher mode.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.00,0:08:30.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so here's what I found.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.00,0:08:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What they had in common
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.00,0:08:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was a sense of courage.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.00,0:08:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.00,0:08:41.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Courage, the original definition of courage,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.00,0:08:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when it first came into the English language --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.00,0:08:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.00,0:08:48.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the original definition
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.00,0:08:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.00,0:08:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so these folks
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.00,0:08:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had, very simply, the courage
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.00,0:08:57.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be imperfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.00,0:09:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They had the compassion
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.00,0:09:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be kind to themselves first and then to others,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.00,0:09:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.00,0:09:09.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.00,0:09:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the last was they had connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.00,0:09:13.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and -- this was the hard part --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.00,0:09:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a result of authenticity,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.00,0:09:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.00,0:09:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to be who they were,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.00,0:09:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which you have to absolutely do that
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.00,0:09:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.00,0:09:30.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other thing that they had in common
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.00,0:09:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was this:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.00,0:09:38.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They fully embraced vulnerability.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.00,0:09:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They believed
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.00,0:09:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that what made them vulnerable
Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.00,0:09:48.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,made them beautiful.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.00,0:09:52.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They didn't talk about vulnerability
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.00,0:09:54.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being comfortable,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.00,0:09:57.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.00,0:09:59.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.00,0:10:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They just talked about it being necessary.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.00,0:10:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They talked about the willingness
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.00,0:10:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to say, "I love you" first,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.00,0:10:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the willingness
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.00,0:10:13.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to do something
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.00,0:10:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where there are no guarantees,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.00,0:10:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the willingness
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.00,0:10:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.00,0:10:22.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after your mammogram.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.00,0:10:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're willing to invest in a relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.00,0:10:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that may or may not work out.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.00,0:10:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They thought this was fundamental.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.00,0:10:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I personally thought it was betrayal.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.00,0:10:38.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could not believe I had pledged allegiance
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.00,0:10:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to research, where our job --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.00,0:10:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, the definition of research
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.00,0:10:45.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to control and predict, to study phenomena,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.00,0:10:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the explicit reason
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.00,0:10:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to control and predict.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.00,0:10:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now my mission
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.00,0:10:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to control and predict
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.00,0:10:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.00,0:10:59.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to stop controlling and predicting.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.00,0:11:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This led to a little breakdown --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.00,0:11:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.00,0:11:09.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,-- which actually looked more like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.00,0:11:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.00,0:11:13.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it did.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.00,0:11:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.00,0:11:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.00,0:11:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I assure you it was a breakdown.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.00,0:11:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.00,0:11:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me tell you something: you know who you are
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.00,0:11:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.00,0:11:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you have any recommendations?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.00,0:11:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because about five of my friends were like,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.00,0:11:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Wooo. I wouldn't want to be your therapist."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.00,0:11:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.00,0:11:41.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "What does that mean?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.00,0:11:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.00,0:11:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't bring your measuring stick."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.00,0:11:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Okay."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.00,0:11:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I found a therapist.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.00,0:11:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My first meeting with her, Diana --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.00,0:11:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I brought in my list
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.00,0:12:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.00,0:12:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "How are you?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.00,0:12:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.00,0:12:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "What's going on?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.00,0:12:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is a therapist who sees therapists,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.00,0:12:13.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we have to go to those,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.00,0:12:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because their B.S. meters are good.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.00,0:12:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.00,0:12:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I said,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.00,0:12:22.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Here's the thing, I'm struggling."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.00,0:12:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "What's the struggle?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.00,0:12:27.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.00,0:12:30.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I know that vulnerability is the core
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.00,0:12:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of shame and fear
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.00,0:12:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our struggle for worthiness,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.00,0:12:37.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it appears that it's also the birthplace
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.00,0:12:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of joy, of creativity,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.00,0:12:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of belonging, of love.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.00,0:12:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think I have a problem,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.00,0:12:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I need some help."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.00,0:12:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "But here's the thing:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.00,0:12:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no family stuff,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.00,0:12:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no childhood shit."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.00,0:12:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.00,0:12:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I just need some strategies."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.00,0:13:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.00,0:13:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.00,0:13:07.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.00,0:13:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So she goes like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.00,0:13:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.00,0:13:17.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I said, "It's bad, right?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.00,0:13:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.00,0:13:22.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.00,0:13:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It just is what it is."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.00,0:13:27.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.00,0:13:30.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.00,0:13:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it did, and it didn't.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.00,0:13:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it took about a year.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.00,0:13:37.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you know how there are people
Dialogue: 0,0:13:37.00,0:13:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.00,0:13:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they surrender and walk into it.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.00,0:13:45.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A: that's not me,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.00,0:13:48.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.00,0:13:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.00,0:13:54.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me, it was a yearlong street fight.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.00,0:13:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a slugfest.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.00,0:13:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.00,0:14:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I lost the fight,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.00,0:14:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but probably won my life back.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.00,0:14:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so then I went back into the research
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.00,0:14:07.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and spent the next couple of years
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.00,0:14:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.00,0:14:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what choices they were making,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.00,0:14:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what are we doing
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.00,0:14:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with vulnerability.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.00,0:14:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we struggle with it so much?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.00,0:14:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:21.00,0:14:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.00,0:14:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So this is what I learned.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.00,0:14:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We numb vulnerability --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.00,0:14:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we're waiting for the call.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.00,0:14:33.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.00,0:14:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that says, "How would you define vulnerability?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.00,0:14:37.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What makes you feel vulnerable?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.00,0:14:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.00,0:14:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I wanted to know
Dialogue: 0,0:14:42.00,0:14:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what's out there.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:45.00,0:14:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Having to ask my husband for help
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.00,0:14:50.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I'm sick, and we're newly married;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.00,0:14:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,initiating sex with my husband;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.00,0:14:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,initiating sex with my wife;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.00,0:14:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being turned down; asking someone out;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.00,0:15:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,waiting for the doctor to call back;
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.00,0:15:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,getting laid off; laying off people --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.00,0:15:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is the world we live in.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:05.00,0:15:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We live in a vulnerable world.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.00,0:15:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And one of the ways we deal with it
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.00,0:15:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is we numb vulnerability.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.00,0:15:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think there's evidence --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.00,0:15:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's not the only reason this evidence exists,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:16.00,0:15:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think it's a huge cause --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.00,0:15:22.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are the most in-debt,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.00,0:15:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,obese,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:25.00,0:15:28.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,addicted and medicated
Dialogue: 0,0:15:28.00,0:15:30.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,adult cohort in U.S. history.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.00,0:15:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The problem is -- and I learned this from the research --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.00,0:15:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you cannot selectively numb emotion.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:40.00,0:15:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't say, here's the bad stuff.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:43.00,0:15:45.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:45.00,0:15:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,here's fear, here's disappointment.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.00,0:15:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to feel these.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.00,0:15:52.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:52.00,0:15:54.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:54.00,0:15:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to feel these.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:56.00,0:15:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I know that's knowing laughter.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.00,0:16:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hack into your lives for a living.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.00,0:16:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:03.00,0:16:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.00,0:16:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't numb those hard feelings
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.00,0:16:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without numbing the other affects, our emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:10.00,0:16:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You cannot selectively numb.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.00,0:16:15.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when we numb those,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.00,0:16:17.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we numb joy,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:17.00,0:16:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we numb gratitude,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.00,0:16:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we numb happiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.00,0:16:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then we are miserable,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.00,0:16:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we are looking for purpose and meaning,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:26.00,0:16:28.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then we feel vulnerable,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.00,0:16:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.00,0:16:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:36.00,0:16:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the things that I think we need to think about
Dialogue: 0,0:16:39.00,0:16:41.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is why and how we numb.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:41.00,0:16:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it doesn't just have to be addiction.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:44.00,0:16:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other thing we do
Dialogue: 0,0:16:46.00,0:16:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is we make everything that's uncertain certain.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.00,0:16:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.00,0:16:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to certainty.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.00,0:16:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.00,0:17:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's it.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:00.00,0:17:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just certain.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.00,0:17:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:04.00,0:17:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the more afraid we are.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.00,0:17:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is what politics looks like today.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.00,0:17:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no discourse anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:10.00,0:17:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no conversation.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.00,0:17:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's just blame.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:14.00,0:17:17.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know how blame is described in the research?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:17.00,0:17:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:21.00,0:17:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.00,0:17:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:26.00,0:17:28.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it doesn't work.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:28.00,0:17:30.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because what we do is we take fat from our butts
Dialogue: 0,0:17:30.00,0:17:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and put it in our cheeks.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:32.00,0:17:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:35.00,0:17:37.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which just, I hope in 100 years,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:37.00,0:17:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people will look back and go, "Wow."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.00,0:17:41.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:41.00,0:17:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we perfect, most dangerously,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:43.00,0:17:45.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our children.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:45.00,0:17:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me tell you what we think about children.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:47.00,0:17:50.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.00,0:17:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:53.00,0:17:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:55.00,0:17:57.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My job is just to keep her perfect --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.00,0:18:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.00,0:18:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's not our job.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:02.00,0:18:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our job is to look and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:04.00,0:18:07.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:07.00,0:18:09.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but you are worthy of love and belonging."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:09.00,0:18:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's our job.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:11.00,0:18:13.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Show me a generation of kids raised like that,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:13.00,0:18:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we'll end the problems I think that we see today.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:16.00,0:18:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We pretend that what we do
Dialogue: 0,0:18:20.00,0:18:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doesn't have an effect on people.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:23.00,0:18:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We do that in our personal lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:25.00,0:18:27.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We do that corporate --
Dialogue: 0,0:18:27.00,0:18:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether it's a bailout, an oil spill,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:29.00,0:18:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a recall --
Dialogue: 0,0:18:31.00,0:18:33.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we pretend like what we're doing
Dialogue: 0,0:18:33.00,0:18:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doesn't have a huge impact on other people.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:36.00,0:18:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:40.00,0:18:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We just need you to be authentic and real
Dialogue: 0,0:18:42.00,0:18:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and say, "We're sorry.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:44.00,0:18:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We'll fix it."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.00,0:18:52.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:52.00,0:18:54.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is what I have found:
Dialogue: 0,0:18:54.00,0:18:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to let ourselves be seen,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:56.00,0:18:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,deeply seen,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:58.00,0:19:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,vulnerably seen;
Dialogue: 0,0:19:01.00,0:19:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to love with our whole hearts,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:03.00,0:19:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even though there's no guarantee --
Dialogue: 0,0:19:05.00,0:19:07.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's really hard,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:07.00,0:19:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult --
Dialogue: 0,0:19:12.00,0:19:15.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to practice gratitude and joy
Dialogue: 0,0:19:15.00,0:19:17.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in those moments of terror,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:17.00,0:19:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:19.00,0:19:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I believe in this this passionately?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:21.00,0:19:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I be this fierce about this?"
Dialogue: 0,0:19:24.00,0:19:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:26.00,0:19:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to say, "I'm just so grateful,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:29.00,0:19:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."
Dialogue: 0,0:19:33.00,0:19:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the last, which I think is probably the most important,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:36.00,0:19:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to believe that we're enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:39.00,0:19:41.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because when we work from a place,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:41.00,0:19:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believe, that says, "I'm enough,"
Dialogue: 0,0:19:45.00,0:19:48.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we stop screaming and start listening,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:49.00,0:19:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're kinder and gentler to the people around us,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:51.00,0:19:54.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:54.00,0:19:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's all I have. Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:56.00,0:19:59.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)