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My name is Joel,

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and I'm a co-parent.

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So, growing up, I never heard
the term "co-parent."

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I heard a lot of other things, though,

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for starters, "absentee father,"

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"sperm donor" --

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that's a good one --

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"deadbeat dad"

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and, my personal favorite, "baby daddy."

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"Baby daddy," for those not in the know,

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refers to an individual
who helps to conceive a child

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but does little else.

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Baby daddy is also someone
who is not married by law

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to the mother of said child.

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Growing up, I thought "co-parent"
was reserved primarily for white families

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that starred in Netflix prime-time dramas.

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(Laughter)

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It still kind of does.

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But it wasn't used to explain
the role of a parent. Right?

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Either you had kids or you didn't,

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and no one in my social circles
or at our dinner table

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was having complex conversations
about the role fathers played

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in that conversation, right?

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A more balanced, open,
loving approach to parenting

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was not something we were discussing
within our social circles.

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A majority of the time,

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the fathers I knew of growing up
were barely present

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or just completely nonexistent.

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"Co-parent" wasn't a term I heard or saw

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where I grew up, where I came from.

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I come from the hood.

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That hood would be Creston Avenue,
188th in the Bronx.

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And for -- one person, that's what's up.

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(Laughter)

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Appreciate that.

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For a lot of us in that hood,

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there was only one person
you could already turn to

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for food, shelter, warmth,
love, discipline:

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our mothers.

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My mother, who I playfully call "Linda T,"

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was my first example of real love

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and what showing up
as a healthy co-parent looked like.

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She was a strong,
determined single mother,

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a woman who would have benefited greatly
from having a secure and stable partner

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as a co-parent.

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So I vowed whenever I got married,

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my boo and I would be together forever.

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You know? (Laughs)

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We'd share the same bed and home,

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we'd sleep under the same covers,
we'd argue at IKEA -- normal stuff.

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(Laughter)

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My partner would feel seen and loved,

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and our children would grow up
in a two-parent household.

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However, things rarely ever
end up how we plan them.

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Our daughter Lilah has never known
a household with both of her parents

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living together under one roof.

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Her mother and I were never married.

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We dated on and off for several months
before we found out she was pregnant.

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Up until then, my mother
didn't even know she existed.

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I was ashamed,

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I was embarrassed,

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and, at times, I was suicidal.

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I was asking myself, what was I doing?
Where was I going wrong?

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I never wanted the stigma or label

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of what some identified
as the stereotypical "black father."

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So: absentee, confrontational,
combative, not present.

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It took a lot of work, time,
energy and effort

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for us to finally realize

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that maybe co-parenting for us
didn't need to mean a shared household

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and wedding bells,

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that maybe, just maybe,

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the way we showed up as co-parents

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lay not only in the layered nuances
of our partnership

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but the capacity within our hearts
to tend to a human

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that we helped create together.

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(Applause)

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It would involve love
in a nurturing and safe environment

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that would feed Lilah
long after we both left this earth.

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Fast-forward four years,

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and Lilah is now in pre-K.

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She loves gummies,

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and she says things like,
"My heart is filled with love."

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She's the most loving, compassionate,
empathetic human being I know,

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and the reason I get to tell you
all of this is because

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she's back in the Bronx with her mother.

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You see, this is co-parenting,

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and in an ideal world,

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my mother would have had a co-parent, too.

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She would have had support,

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someone to show up
and give her a break, a time off.

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In an ideal world,
every parent is a co-parent.

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In an ideal world, both parents share
the weight of the work appropriately.

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Lilah's mother and I have a schedule.

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Some days, I leave work
and pick Lilah up from school,

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some days I don't.

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Lilah's mother gets to go rock climbing

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or study for the LSAT,

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and I get to stand in a room
full of bold, dynamic and powerful women

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and talk about dad stuff.

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(Applause)

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It is work, it is beautifully hard work

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dismantling the systems
that would have us believe

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a woman's primary role is in the kitchen,
tending to all things domestic,

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while the hapless dad
fumbles all over himself

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whenever he has to spend
a weekend alone with the kids.

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It is work that needs to happen right now.

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You see, far too often,

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what it seems like is
when both parents are working,

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one parent is typically tasked
with organizing the household

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and keeping the home running.

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That person is typically a woman
or someone who identifies as such.

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Far too often, those who identify
as mothers and as women

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have to sacrifice their dreams
in order to appease the standard.

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They have to sacrifice their dreams

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in order to ensure that motherhood
takes precedence over all else.

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And I'm not here to say that it doesn't,
but what I am here to say is,

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as equal partners and co-parents,
it is our duty to ensure

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that our co-parenting partners
don't have to put their passions,

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their pursuits and their dreams

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to the back burner

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just because we're too self-absorbed
to show up as allies.

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(Applause)

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Co-parenting makes the space
possible for everybody.

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As a co-parent,

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the time I've gotten
to share and spend with Lilah

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is time I appreciate,

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the time that has allowed me
to be fully present for my child,

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removing the notion that the emotional
labor required to raise a child

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is a woman's work.

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As a co-parent, Lilah and I
have built snowmen,

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we've played with acorns,

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we've rapped to the soundtrack of "Moana,"
I know you have, too.

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(Laughter)

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She's sat with me while I've led workshops
at Columbia University,

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when I talk about the intersections
of poetry, hip-hop and theater.

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We get to talk about
her emotions and her feelings

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because we have exclusive time together,

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and that time is planned time,

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it's organized around not just
my schedule but her mother's.

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Both of us, as co-parents,
have unique parenting styles.

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And we may argue at times,

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but what we can always agree on
is how to raise a human --

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our human.

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I will never fully
understand or comprehend

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what it means to hold a child
in my body for 10 months.

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I will never be able to understand

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the trials and tribulations
of breastfeeding,

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the work that it takes,

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the emotional, physical,
psychological and emotional toll

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that carrying a human
can have on the female body.

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What co-parenting does is say,

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we can create balance,

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a more balanced home and work life
for everyone involved.

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Co-parenting says that while parenting
may involve sacrifices, yes,

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the weight of that sacrifice
is not solely resting on one parent alone.

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No matter your relational dynamic,

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no matter how you identify
as a human being --

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he, she, they, ze --

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co-parenting says we can create
space and equity,

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better communication, empathy,
I hear you, I see you,

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how can I show up for you
in ways that benefits our family?

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My goal:

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I want more fathers to embrace
co-parenting as a model

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for a better tomorrow,
a better today for ourselves,

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for our co-parenting partners,
for our families, for our community.

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I want more fathers talking
about fatherhood openly,

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candidly, honestly, lovingly.

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Right?

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I want more people to recognize
that black fathers in particular

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are more than the court system,
more than child support

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and more than what the media
might portray us to be.

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(Applause)

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Our role as fathers, our role as parents,

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our value as parents

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is not dependent on the zeroes
at the ends of our checks

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but the capacity within our hearts
to show up for our families,

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for the people we love,
for our little ones.

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Being a father is not only
a responsibility, it's an opportunity.

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This is for Dwain, this is for Kareem
"Buc" Drayton, this is for Biggs,

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this is for Boola, this is for Tyron,

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this is for all the black fathers who
are showing up on a day-to-day basis.

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This is for Charles Lorenzo Daniels,
my father, who didn't have the language

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or the tools to show up
in the ways that he wanted to.

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Thank you.

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My name is Joel.

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Hi Bria, hi West.

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(In Yoruba) Amen.

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(Applause)