WEBVTT

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It was March 21, 2018.

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I was in Mexico with my wife
celebrating her birthday.

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We had just finished
a wonderful dinner.

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We were talking about
our great live with our kids

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and the next phase of our lives
as our kids are getting older.

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It was 11:03 p.m.

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when the text message came in.

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My wife screamed.

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I tumbled on my phone
and read the text, it ended with

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"Sorry. Love you.

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Bye."

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I freaked out, and I called the house.


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I woke up my mother-in-law,
and I yelled, "Find Ryan!"

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She ran into the house,

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and she finally found him.

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He was in the attic.

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She screamed - it will be
in my head forever.

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She said, "Jay, he hung himself!"

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The next couple of hours was a blur.

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There was text messages and phone calls
and ambulances and police and doctors.

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They revived him
and they brought him down

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to Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego.

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That started

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what was supposed
to be a three-hour journey,

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that became a 15-hour-nightmare

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as we tried to make
our way back to San Diego.

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Ryan was in a medically induced coma


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for the next three days.

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The doctors and nurses
did the wonderful job

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of trying to balance hope with reality,

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but at the end the CAT scan
showed that he was brain dead.

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We were able to spend
the next 36 hours with him,

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saying our goodbyes.

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I actually got to watch

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our favorite TV show,
the last three episodes of it,

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where I had one earbud
in mine and one in his.

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My oldest son snuck in
with a bottle of wine the last night,

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and we toasted with Ryan


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while we hid the bottle
from the nurses and doctors.

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The next day, they came to get us,

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and they brought us
to a special place in the hospital

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where we all surrounded him,

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and they took him off life support.

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We watched as whatever life was left
in his body drifted away,

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and the color of his skin turned to ash.

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And they pronounced him dead.

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I want you to imagine

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a world

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where disease exist
that is attacking our children,

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where half a million get so sick
they come close to death,

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and where 5,000 die every year.

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What would you do as a parent
to protect your children?

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What would be on CNN 24/7?

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What would they be talking about?

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And what would be blowing up
all over social media?

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I want you to imagine that world
because that world exists.

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Depression is that disease.

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It's the number two killer
of our children.

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It, too often, ends in suicide.

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And depression is a disease
that we do not talk about

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like it's a disease.

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We don't treat it the same way
as we treat cancer.

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We treat it as something you're supposed
to shake off and then you'll be fine,

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or maybe it doesn't exist.


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It's almost like we're in the dark ages,

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where you don't want to tell people

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what's going on
in your family or your friends

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because you're afraid
that they might judge you.

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Well, on March 26, 2018,
that disease took my son.

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How was that for a cold opener?

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You know, even in the darkness,
there is this light,

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there are funny things that happen.

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I'm going to share a couple with you,
and you can laugh if you want, it's okay.

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I was in such a rush!

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I got home that afternoon;


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I wanted to start a foundation,
to change things,

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because that's the kind of guy I am.

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So I said, "Choose life."

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That's what everybody should do,
they should choose life,

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and Chooselife.org was available.

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So I bought it; I didn't know
why it was $10,000,

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I just paid it.

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Then I got some rubber wristbands
that said "Choose Life" on them,

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and I'm ready to go.

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The next week,
a buddy of mine says,

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"Hey Jay, you know that's the old
anti-abortion website from the eighties?"

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I'm like, "Oh!"

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(Laughter)

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And that was
the first $12,000 I spent.

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(Laughter)

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Ryan texted all of us ...

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at 11:03.

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He had them all pre-done,
including my daughter's boyfriend.

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He said some really nice things; he said,

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"If you are not nice to my sister,
I will come back and haunt you, Mister."

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Now, even I feel bad for that kid.

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(Laughter)

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My daughter, on the other hand,
she thinks it's awesome.

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Ryan researched everything.
That's the kind of kid he was.

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In his suicide note,

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he talked about the different ways
he planned on doing this.

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One of the ways, he said, was to throw
himself out of my attic office window,

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but then he said,
"You know, I'm only 76 pounds,

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I was afraid my clothes
would act as a parachute."

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And that was Ryan.

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So if I'm sitting in the audience
right now, I'd be going,

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"Jay, this is a tragic story."
And yeah, it is a tragic story.

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But I'd be thinking:

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"That would not happen to me.
I know my kids."

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Well, I thought I knew my kids too.

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Let me introduce you to my family:

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my wife Kim, 25 years of marriage,


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stay-at-home mom
doted on our kids every day;

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my 21-year-old son Derek;

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my daughter Ashlynn;
my 17-year-old son Kyle;

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and Ryan, my youngest.

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I wrote the Protector Bug
books for Ryan,

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stories I would make up
and tell him as a kid.

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As a family, dinners were our thing.

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We would sit around the dinner table
for hours and talk,

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and funny things would happen.


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There'd be no computers,
no phones, none of that, right?

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Funny things would happen that I turned
into a book called "Dinner Conversations"

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to try to encourage other families
to spend more time together.

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I took all my kids on individual
"only-with-dad" trips.

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Ryan and I were working
on his trip to Boston

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that was supposed to take place in June,
and his next year's trip to Dubai,

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a week before he killed himself.

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This is Ryan.

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This is how I remember Ryan:

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a happy kid who could light up a room.

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That's what he wore
until he was almost 13.

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At some point, he changed.

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Thirteen, I feel he is a little
bit more withdrawn.

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As I look back on it I see it,
I didn't see it then.

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He is a little more quiet,
more grumpy.

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I thought he was just another
grumpy teenager, I have four!

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I thought that's all it was.

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After Ryan passed, I was going through
his room and up in his drawers,

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and the top right hand drawer
was empty except for two notes,

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two sticky notes.

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One note said, "Here is 
my username and passwords."

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The other said, "Tell my story."

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That's what I'm doing.

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So if I'm you I'm going, "Okay, Jay,
now what do you want me to do?"

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Well, I'm going to give you a few things
that I think we should do.

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We have to first realize
that we're living in a world

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and parenting in the way
our parents used to parent us,

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but the world has changed.

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Suicide amongst teenagers
is up 70% since 2006,

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and Facebook started in 2004.

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I'm not blaming social media.

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I don't want to get
into a battle with every PhDs

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about causation versus correlation,
I'm not going to do it.

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I'm just saying the world has changed,

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and we haven't changed.

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Our kids are bombarded
with social media,

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and so much more stimulus
than they ever were when we were kids.

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I was bullied as a kid.

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I was sickly.
I was an easy target.

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But you know what happened?

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At 3 p.m. everyday
when that bell went off,

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I went home to a very safe place
where the bullies could not reach me.

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For kids these days, the bell never rings.

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And I'm sorry, but the bullies
are in the room with them for 24/7.

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And the cool kids
who sit at the lunch table?

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Well now, they're not at the lunch table,
they're in your room,

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and they still won't let you join.

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So we need to understand
our kids' social media.

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We need to understand
who their so called "friends" are,

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who are they following.

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We need to understand
that for some kids -

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not all kids, but for some -
it's too much.

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Your need to make sure
your kids understand

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that everyone else's life
is not better than theirs,

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and that the real fake news is that
Instagram post they just looked at.

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Second thing you want to do
is to watch for change.

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What was your child like

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three years ago, two years ago,
one year ago, whatever the time frame is?

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Are they different?

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Are they more withdrawn?
Are they more quiet?


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Are they more combative?
Are they arguing with you more?

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Are they not hanging out
with their friends?

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If you see change you need to address it,

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and you need to get them talking.

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And when you say,
"Hey, how are you feeling?"

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and they go, "I'm fine... Yeah, I'm okay,"

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and your gut says, "No you're not,"

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you can't take 
"Yes, I'm okay" for an answer.

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I took "Yes, I'm okay" for an answer.

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We need to get them talking,
and part of getting them talking

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is to be approachable as a parent.

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Ryan likely saw me ...

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as a CEO,

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as an entrepreneur,

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as an author,

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as an iron man who's a black belt,


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a guy who'd get anything done -
you give me any problem, I'll solve it -

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a guy who never, ever complained,
and above all never cried.

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He saw that of me because
that's the image I showed him.

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That's the image I thought as a dad
I was supposed to show

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(Choking)

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my son.

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What did Ryan show me?

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The same thing,

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a kid who had his act together,

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good grades, always smiling, always happy.

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I wish I was more vulnerable with my son.

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I wish I shared with him my fears
and my concerns,

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and what I was afraid of,

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and maybe, just maybe,
he would have shared that with me.

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I spent so much time
trying to be my son's hero,

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that I missed out on being his dad.

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You know, as parents
we want the best for our kids.

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And sometimes, we want
them to toughen up,

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and we'll say things like,

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"When getting going is tough,
the tough gets going,"

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or, "You think you had it bad?

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Shake it off,
you're going to be fine."

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And you know what?

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Some of you are going,
"Jay, they need that."

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I'm like, "Yes, some of them do.
Some of them do."

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But in those kids
who are truly depressed,

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in those kids who are truly sick,
that doesn't help.

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And yes, I probably said
some of those things.

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I have parents who tell me,

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"Jay, you want me to go talk to my kids.


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You want me to say, 'Have you ever
thought of hurting yourself?

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Have you ever thought about suicide?'

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I can't do that, Jay, because I don't want
to put that idea in their head."

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Well, the reality is
that idea is already in their head.

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Not talking about it is the problem.

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Not talking about suicide with your kids,
not talking about hurting themselves,

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is most likely not talking
about the elephant in the room.

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The only way to help this 
is to get them to talk.

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Next thing I want you to understand,
and this is hard for me,

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is that people who are depressed,
kids who are depressed

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do not see the world
through the same lens that we do.

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On the sunniest of days,

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when the sun is shining
and there's not a cloud in the sky,

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they will still see gray skies.

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And we don't get that.

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Those of us who have never been depressed
will never understand that.

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My journey started

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on March 21, in Mexico.

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It brought me to this stage.

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And the next phase
of what I'm going to do

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is a documentary film
called "Tell my story,"

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about teen suicide,


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In hopes that I can get all of you
to see it a little differently.

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So what can you do?

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Well, I want you to take action now.

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You need to understand
that suicide is at an epidemic level,

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amongst teenagers today.

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You need to pay attention
to their social media.

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You need to look for change,
and if they change,

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you have to address them, talk to them.

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Be their parent, not their hero.

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Talk to them, make sure they know
it's okay to feel sad.

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Realize

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that they see the world
through a different lens.

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And if you're worried, get them to talk
to a mental health professional.

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Half a million kids a year
try to commit suicide,

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and 5000 succeed.

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We need to change that.

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I need you to go home
and hug your kids.

00:15:57.270 --> 00:16:00.293
And ask them how they feel,
not in the tummy,

00:16:00.300 --> 00:16:03.314
but in their hearts
and their minds.

00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:05.689
I need you to get them talking,

00:16:06.781 --> 00:16:08.649
and don't just take "yes"
for an answer.

00:16:08.649 --> 00:16:12.109
Don't take "Yes, I'm okay"
for an answer, but dig deeper.


00:16:13.555 --> 00:16:15.154
One more thing.

00:16:15.157 --> 00:16:18.275
It's kind of like a superhero movie,
and you think I was done,

00:16:18.286 --> 00:16:20.491
but I'm not quite done.

00:16:22.082 --> 00:16:24.184
People ask me,
as I've been doing this,

00:16:24.184 --> 00:16:27.694
"Jay, this must be really healing for you

00:16:27.694 --> 00:16:30.721
to go through and prepare this talk?"

00:16:33.422 --> 00:16:35.360
The answer is no.

00:16:35.612 --> 00:16:38.016
Over the last 60 days,

00:16:38.016 --> 00:16:42.286
I've had to relive my son's death
at least a thousand times.

00:16:42.825 --> 00:16:46.744
There is nothing healing about this.

00:16:47.219 --> 00:16:49.279
So why am I doing it?

00:16:49.415 --> 00:16:51.196
I'm doing it because Ryan ...

00:16:51.196 --> 00:16:52.856
(Crying)

00:16:54.428 --> 00:16:56.334
Ryan asked me to.

00:16:57.688 --> 00:16:59.491
And I'm doing it in hopes

00:17:00.371 --> 00:17:03.072
that at least one of you,
maybe a whole bunch more of you,

00:17:03.072 --> 00:17:06.126
will go and have
that conversation with your kids

00:17:06.126 --> 00:17:09.892
that will change their lives
and save someone.

00:17:10.266 --> 00:17:12.528
And I need your help

00:17:13.088 --> 00:17:16.584
because I can't change
this world by myself,

00:17:16.806 --> 00:17:19.355
and this world needs to change.

00:17:19.614 --> 00:17:22.224
I need you to start the conversation,

00:17:22.430 --> 00:17:24.109
and I need you to share this talk


00:17:24.109 --> 00:17:26.909
with anybody
and everybody you know.

00:17:27.089 --> 00:17:28.596
Thank you.

00:17:28.596 --> 00:17:30.306
(Applause)