0:00:20.419,0:00:23.031
It was March 21, 2018.

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I was in Mexico with my wife[br]celebrating her birthday.

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We had just finished[br]a wonderful dinner.

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We were talking about[br]our great live with our kids

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and the next phase of our lives[br]as our kids are getting older.

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It was 11:03 p.m.

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when the text message came in.

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My wife screamed.

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I tumbled on my phone[br]and read the text, it ended with

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"Sorry. Love you.

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Bye."

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I freaked out, and I called the house.[br]

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I woke up my mother-in-law,[br]and I yelled, "Find Ryan!"

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She ran into the house,

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and she finally found him.

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He was in the attic.

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She screamed - it will be[br]in my head forever.

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She said, "Jay, he hung himself!"

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The next couple of hours was a blur.

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There was text messages and phone calls[br]and ambulances and police and doctors.

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They revived him[br]and they brought him down

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to Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego.

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That started

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what was supposed[br]to be a three-hour journey,

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that became a 15-hour-nightmare

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as we tried to make[br]our way back to San Diego.

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Ryan was in a medically induced coma[br]

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for the next three days.

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The doctors and nurses[br]did the wonderful job

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of trying to balance hope with reality,

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but at the end the CAT scan[br]showed that he was brain dead.

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We were able to spend[br]the next 36 hours with him,

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saying our goodbyes.

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I actually got to watch

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our favorite TV show,[br]the last three episodes of it,

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where I had one earbud[br]in mine and one in his.

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My oldest son snuck in[br]with a bottle of wine the last night,

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and we toasted with Ryan[br]

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while we hid the bottle[br]from the nurses and doctors.

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The next day, they came to get us,

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and they brought us[br]to a special place in the hospital

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where we all surrounded him,

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and they took him off life support.

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We watched as whatever life was left[br]in his body drifted away,

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and the color of his skin turned to ash.

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And they pronounced him dead.

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I want you to imagine

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a world

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where disease exist[br]that is attacking our children,

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where half a million get so sick[br]they come close to death,

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and where 5,000 die every year.

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What would you do as a parent[br]to protect your children?

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What would be on CNN 24/7?

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What would they be talking about?

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And what would be blowing up[br]all over social media?

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I want you to imagine that world[br]because that world exists.

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Depression is that disease.

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It's the number two killer[br]of our children.

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It, too often, ends in suicide.

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And depression is a disease[br]that we do not talk about

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like it's a disease.

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We don't treat it the same way[br]as we treat cancer.

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We treat it as something you're supposed[br]to shake off and then you'll be fine,

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or maybe it doesn't exist.[br]

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It's almost like we're in the dark ages,

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where you don't want to tell people

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what's going on[br]in your family or your friends

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because you're afraid[br]that they might judge you.

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Well, on March 26, 2018,[br]that disease took my son.

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How was that for a cold opener?

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You know, even in the darkness,[br]there is this light,

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there are funny things that happen.

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I'm going to share a couple with you,[br]and you can laugh if you want, it's okay.

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I was in such a rush!

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I got home that afternoon;[br]

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I wanted to start a foundation,[br]to change things,

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because that's the kind of guy I am.

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So I said, "Choose life."

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That's what everybody should do,[br]they should choose life,

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and Chooselife.org was available.

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So I bought it; I didn't know[br]why it was $10,000,

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I just paid it.

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Then I got some rubber wristbands[br]that said "Choose Life" on them,

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and I'm ready to go.

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The next week,[br]a buddy of mine says,

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"Hey Jay, you know that's the old[br]anti-abortion website from the eighties?"

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I'm like, "Oh!"

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(Laughter)

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And that was[br]the first $12,000 I spent.

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(Laughter)

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Ryan texted all of us ...

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at 11:03.

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He had them all pre-done,[br]including my daughter's boyfriend.

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He said some really nice things; he said,

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"If you are not nice to my sister,[br]I will come back and haunt you, Mister."

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Now, even I feel bad for that kid.

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(Laughter)

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My daughter, on the other hand,[br]she thinks it's awesome.

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Ryan researched everything.[br]That's the kind of kid he was.

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In his suicide note,

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he talked about the different ways[br]he planned on doing this.

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One of the ways, he said, was to throw[br]himself out of my attic office window,

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but then he said,[br]"You know, I'm only 76 pounds,

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I was afraid my clothes[br]would act as a parachute."

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And that was Ryan.

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So if I'm sitting in the audience[br]right now, I'd be going,

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"Jay, this is a tragic story."[br]And yeah, it is a tragic story.

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But I'd be thinking:

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"That would not happen to me.[br]I know my kids."

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Well, I thought I knew my kids too.

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Let me introduce you to my family:

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my wife Kim, 25 years of marriage,[br]

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stay-at-home mom[br]doted on our kids every day;

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my 21-year-old son Derek;

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my daughter Ashlynn;[br]my 17-year-old son Kyle;

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and Ryan, my youngest.

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I wrote the Protector Bug[br]books for Ryan,

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stories I would make up[br]and tell him as a kid.

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As a family, dinners were our thing.

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We would sit around the dinner table[br]for hours and talk,

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and funny things would happen.[br]

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There'd be no computers,[br]no phones, none of that, right?

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Funny things would happen that I turned[br]into a book called "Dinner Conversations"

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to try to encourage other families[br]to spend more time together.

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I took all my kids on individual[br]"only-with-dad" trips.

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Ryan and I were working[br]on his trip to Boston

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that was supposed to take place in June,[br]and his next year's trip to Dubai,

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a week before he killed himself.

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This is Ryan.

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This is how I remember Ryan:

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a happy kid who could light up a room.

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That's what he wore[br]until he was almost 13.

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At some point, he changed.

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Thirteen, I feel he is a little[br]bit more withdrawn.

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As I look back on it I see it,[br]I didn't see it then.

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He is a little more quiet,[br]more grumpy.

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I thought he was just another[br]grumpy teenager, I have four!

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I thought that's all it was.

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After Ryan passed, I was going through[br]his room and up in his drawers,

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and the top right hand drawer[br]was empty except for two notes,

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two sticky notes.

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One note said, "Here is [br]my username and passwords."

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The other said, "Tell my story."

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That's what I'm doing.

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So if I'm you I'm going, "Okay, Jay,[br]now what do you want me to do?"

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Well, I'm going to give you a few things[br]that I think we should do.

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We have to first realize[br]that we're living in a world

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and parenting in the way[br]our parents used to parent us,

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but the world has changed.

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Suicide amongst teenagers[br]is up 70% since 2006,

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and Facebook started in 2004.

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I'm not blaming social media.

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I don't want to get[br]into a battle with every PhDs

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about causation versus correlation,[br]I'm not going to do it.

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I'm just saying the world has changed,

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and we haven't changed.

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Our kids are bombarded[br]with social media,

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and so much more stimulus[br]than they ever were when we were kids.

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I was bullied as a kid.

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I was sickly.[br]I was an easy target.

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But you know what happened?

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At 3 p.m. everyday[br]when that bell went off,

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I went home to a very safe place[br]where the bullies could not reach me.

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For kids these days, the bell never rings.

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And I'm sorry, but the bullies[br]are in the room with them for 24/7.

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And the cool kids[br]who sit at the lunch table?

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Well now, they're not at the lunch table,[br]they're in your room,

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and they still won't let you join.

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So we need to understand[br]our kids' social media.

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We need to understand[br]who their so called "friends" are,

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who are they following.

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We need to understand[br]that for some kids -

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not all kids, but for some -[br]it's too much.

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Your need to make sure[br]your kids understand

0:10:28.344,0:10:31.454
that everyone else's life[br]is not better than theirs,

0:10:31.454,0:10:36.577
and that the real fake news is that[br]Instagram post they just looked at.

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Second thing you want to do[br]is to watch for change.

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What was your child like

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three years ago, two years ago,[br]one year ago, whatever the time frame is?

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Are they different?

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Are they more withdrawn?[br]Are they more quiet?[br]

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Are they more combative?[br]Are they arguing with you more?

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Are they not hanging out[br]with their friends?

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If you see change you need to address it,

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and you need to get them talking.

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And when you say,[br]"Hey, how are you feeling?"

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and they go, "I'm fine... Yeah, I'm okay,"

0:11:09.481,0:11:11.821
and your gut says, "No you're not,"

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you can't take [br]"Yes, I'm okay" for an answer.

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I took "Yes, I'm okay" for an answer.

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We need to get them talking,[br]and part of getting them talking

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is to be approachable as a parent.

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Ryan likely saw me ...

0:11:32.906,0:11:34.395
as a CEO,

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as an entrepreneur,

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as an author,

0:11:38.411,0:11:41.236
as an iron man who's a black belt,[br]

0:11:41.236,0:11:44.356
a guy who'd get anything done -[br]you give me any problem, I'll solve it -

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a guy who never, ever complained,[br]and above all never cried.

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He saw that of me because[br]that's the image I showed him.

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That's the image I thought as a dad[br]I was supposed to show

0:11:58.926,0:12:00.536
(Choking)

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my son.

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[br]What did Ryan show me?

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The same thing,

0:12:08.275,0:12:10.441
a kid who had his act together,

0:12:10.441,0:12:14.771
good grades, always smiling, always happy.

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I wish I was more vulnerable with my son.

0:12:19.356,0:12:23.163
I wish I shared with him my fears[br]and my concerns,

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and what I was afraid of,

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and maybe, just maybe,[br]he would have shared that with me.

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I spent so much time[br]trying to be my son's hero,

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that I missed out on being his dad.

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You know, as parents[br]we want the best for our kids.

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And sometimes, we want[br]them to toughen up,

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[br]and we'll say things like,

0:12:51.092,0:12:53.942
"When getting going is tough,[br]the tough gets going,"

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or, "You think you had it bad?

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Shake it off,[br]you're going to be fine."

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And you know what?

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Some of you are going,[br]"Jay, they need that."

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I'm like, "Yes, some of them do.[br]Some of them do."

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But in those kids[br]who are truly depressed,

0:13:10.308,0:13:13.928
in those kids who are truly sick,[br]that doesn't help.

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And yes, I probably said[br]some of those things.

0:13:19.507,0:13:21.118
I have parents who tell me,

0:13:21.118,0:13:24.218
"Jay, you want me to go talk to my kids.[br]

0:13:24.218,0:13:27.456
You want me to say, 'Have you ever[br]thought of hurting yourself?

0:13:27.456,0:13:29.840
Have you ever thought about suicide?'

0:13:29.840,0:13:34.008
I can't do that, Jay, because I don't want[br]to put that idea in their head."

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Well, the reality is[br]that idea is already in their head.

0:13:40.259,0:13:42.232
Not talking about it is the problem.

0:13:42.232,0:13:47.172
Not talking about suicide with your kids,[br]not talking about hurting themselves,

0:13:47.172,0:13:49.905
is most likely not talking[br]about the elephant in the room.

0:13:49.905,0:13:53.322
The only way to help this [br]is to get them to talk.

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Next thing I want you to understand,[br]and this is hard for me,

0:14:01.775,0:14:05.459
is that people who are depressed,[br]kids who are depressed

0:14:05.468,0:14:09.853
do not see the world[br]through the same lens that we do.

0:14:11.572,0:14:13.806
On the sunniest of days,

0:14:13.806,0:14:16.576
when the sun is shining[br]and there's not a cloud in the sky,

0:14:16.576,0:14:19.486
they will still see gray skies.

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And we don't get that.

0:14:25.749,0:14:30.051
Those of us who have never been depressed[br]will never understand that.

0:14:32.346,0:14:34.314
My journey started

0:14:35.169,0:14:37.528
on March 21, in Mexico.

0:14:39.720,0:14:42.134
It brought me to this stage.

0:14:42.470,0:14:44.719
And the next phase[br]of what I'm going to do

0:14:44.719,0:14:48.075
is a documentary film[br]called "Tell my story,"

0:14:48.956,0:14:50.593
about teen suicide,[br]

0:14:50.593,0:14:56.026
In hopes that I can get all of you[br]to see it a little differently.

0:14:56.997,0:14:59.068
So what can you do?

0:14:59.347,0:15:01.282
Well, I want you to take action now.

0:15:04.533,0:15:07.865
You need to understand[br]that suicide is at an epidemic level,

0:15:07.865,0:15:10.312
amongst teenagers today.

0:15:11.413,0:15:14.012
You need to pay attention[br]to their social media.

0:15:15.165,0:15:17.409
You need to look for change,[br]and if they change,

0:15:17.409,0:15:19.499
you have to address them, talk to them.

0:15:19.499,0:15:22.034
Be their parent, not their hero.

0:15:24.072,0:15:27.731
Talk to them, make sure they know[br]it's okay to feel sad.

0:15:30.921,0:15:32.560
Realize

0:15:32.981,0:15:35.922
that they see the world[br]through a different lens.

0:15:37.447,0:15:41.694
And if you're worried, get them to talk[br]to a mental health professional.

0:15:46.926,0:15:49.932
Half a million kids a year[br]try to commit suicide,

0:15:49.932,0:15:51.723
and 5000 succeed.

0:15:51.723,0:15:53.615
We need to change that.

0:15:53.950,0:15:57.077
I need you to go home[br]and hug your kids.

0:15:57.270,0:16:00.293
And ask them how they feel,[br]not in the tummy,

0:16:00.300,0:16:03.314
but in their hearts[br]and their minds.

0:16:03.440,0:16:05.689
I need you to get them talking,

0:16:06.781,0:16:08.649
and don't just take "yes"[br]for an answer.

0:16:08.649,0:16:12.109
Don't take "Yes, I'm okay"[br]for an answer, but dig deeper.[br]

0:16:13.555,0:16:15.154
One more thing.

0:16:15.157,0:16:18.275
It's kind of like a superhero movie,[br]and you think I was done,

0:16:18.286,0:16:20.491
but I'm not quite done.

0:16:22.082,0:16:24.184
People ask me,[br]as I've been doing this,

0:16:24.184,0:16:27.694
"Jay, this must be really healing for you

0:16:27.694,0:16:30.721
to go through and prepare this talk?"

0:16:33.422,0:16:35.360
The answer is no.

0:16:35.612,0:16:38.016
Over the last 60 days,

0:16:38.016,0:16:42.286
I've had to relive my son's death[br]at least a thousand times.

0:16:42.825,0:16:46.744
There is nothing healing about this.

0:16:47.219,0:16:49.279
So why am I doing it?

0:16:49.415,0:16:51.196
I'm doing it because Ryan ...

0:16:51.196,0:16:52.856
(Crying)

0:16:54.428,0:16:56.334
Ryan asked me to.

0:16:57.688,0:16:59.491
And I'm doing it in hopes

0:17:00.371,0:17:03.072
that at least one of you,[br]maybe a whole bunch more of you,

0:17:03.072,0:17:06.126
will go and have[br]that conversation with your kids

0:17:06.126,0:17:09.892
that will change their lives[br]and save someone.

0:17:10.266,0:17:12.528
And I need your help

0:17:13.088,0:17:16.584
because I can't change[br]this world by myself,

0:17:16.806,0:17:19.355
and this world needs to change.

0:17:19.614,0:17:22.224
I need you to start the conversation,

0:17:22.430,0:17:24.109
and I need you to share this talk[br]

0:17:24.109,0:17:26.909
with anybody[br]and everybody you know.

0:17:27.089,0:17:28.596
Thank you.

0:17:28.596,0:17:30.306
(Applause)