>> Hi there.

My name is Julia Kristina and I am a registered
clinical counselor and mental health therapist

and counseling psychologist
and depending on where you are

in the world, those all mean the same thing.

And today we're going to talk about part
two of loving someone who has depression

and how we can be there to
support them in effective ways.

So last time we talked about a few
things that we could do and a few things

that we sometimes may do that are not really
helpful and then looked at some better ways

that we can approach our loved ones.

And this is part two.

We're going to talk more about different
things that we can do to support our loved ones

and things that may be not quite
as helpful, not quite as useful.

So I think one of the most important
ones -- I'm going to reiterate it.

I said it in the last one but it's about things
that we say to someone who has depression

that we think are helpful but that
are actually really not helpful at all

and often times make the person feel
worse, but it comes from a good place.

We're coming from a good place
so we have good intentions.

And those are when we say things
like, you know, just get over it.

The grass is always greener.

Look on the bright side.

Somebody always has it worse.

If you just get out and do something,
you know, you'll feel better.

And those things all come from a really genuine
place and we really want to help the person

but it often times makes a
person with depression feel worse

because yes, they want to feel better.

They want to be able to get out and
do things and look on the bright side.

But because depression is an illness,
it's preventing them from doing that.

So the types of things that we
can say are I'm here for you.

I support you.

I know that you can get through this.

You know, let me know how I can be here for you.

I believe in you.

I love you.

All these kinds of things.

Those are really helpful, supportive things that
we can say to a loved one who has depression.

I just wanted to go over that one quickly.

So let's get on to the new stuff now.

So the next thing that we should
avoid doing when we have a loved one

who has depression is making ultimatums.

So that whole tough love thing of saying if
you don't get better, if you don't, you know,

start dealing with this, if you don't stop
being depressed then I'm going to leave you.

I'm going to end the relationship.

I'm never going to talk to you again.

And that kind of stuff makes the person
with depression not only feel depressed

but often times really trapped and helpless

because if they could just
get over it, they would.

Now that said, as the loved one of someone who
has depression, if being in the relationship

with that person who has depression is getting
to be too much for you and you really feel

like you can't be in the relationship anymore
then that's a decision that you need to make

for yourself but telling someone and threatening
them and trying to like tough love them

into changing, it just actually makes
them feel worse and feel trapped

because if they could just get
over it, again, they would.

So try to avoid, you know, strong-arming
loved ones with stuff like that.

I know that we sometimes get frustrated and
don't know what else to do or what else to say

but saying something like that, it's not
helpful and it's not going to be useful.

Another thing that we need to be aware of loving
someone with depression is to keep on them.

You know, they're struggling.

And they might push us away or
they might turn down invitations

but it's not because they don't love us.

It's because they are struggling.

It's because they are feeling
overwhelmed with the depression

and so they feel like they need to pull away.

But we need to keep on them and calling them
and telling them that we're there for them.

And just remind them -- it
could be little things.

It can just be like a little text message
being like hey, I'm thinking of you.

Would love to see you whenever you're up for it.

Or giving them a call and being
like hey, I just wanted to check in.

You know, I'd love to get together but
no pressure, whenever it works for you

and just sort of being there and keeping on
them because that's one of the hugest things

for people who have depression is knowing
that their loved ones are there for them

and they still care about them and they still
value them even though they have this big cloud,

this big weight, this big monster
of depression on top of them

that they are having a hard
time getting out from under.

And that can be really therapeutic when --

like you know when any of us know that
our loved ones are there for us and care

about us no matter what we're going through.

That's huge for anyone, depressed
or not that is huge.

So to keep that in mind that even if,
you know, the person doesn't take you

up on all your offers to know that your
love and your support and your keeping

on them actually does make a difference to them.

It actually does mean something.

The other thing that all of us do --
whenever someone is talking about something

that they're going through is --
it's normal to kind of say oh, yeah.

I know what you mean.

I went through something
like this that's similar.

That said, when someone is talking to us about
their depression or about what they're going

through and about how they're feeling,

it's important that we often,
you know, try to just listen.

Try not to compare our experience to theirs,
not -- and at least not all the time.

Having a bad day and having a moment of feeling
depressed if, you know, you lost your job

or someone broke up with you or, you know,
things didn't go your way and so feeling down

and feeling depressed because something
happened in your life is different.

It's still important.

It's still a big deal.

Don't get me wrong but it's different than
having the mental illness of depression.

So although we're trying to be
hopeful and say I know what you mean,

unless we've had depression,
we don't know what they mean.

And that said too, even if
we have had depression,

everyone experiences it a
little bit differently.

And we can talk about our
experiences with our loved ones

but sometimes they just need us to listen.

They just need us to be there for them.

They just need to feel heard and to feel valued
for what they're going through not necessarily

that they always, you know, need to
hear about what we're going through.

Not in every situation.

And the other thing that's important
to know about loving someone

who has depression -- that it's okay to ask.

It's okay to ask them how they're feeling.

It's okay to check in with
them and be like hey --

you know, even saying something
like on a scale from one to ten,

one being you've never felt worse and ten being
you've never felt better, where you at today,

you know, with the depression or with
your mood or with how you're doing?

It's okay to check in and ask.

A lot of times I think we get scared
of it and we don't want to ask.

We don't want to say the wrong thing so we just
don't end up saying anything but it's okay.

And it often times feels good for the
person who does have depression to know

that their loved ones care enough just to ask.

So those are the next set of our tips and stuff
that we can do to help and support and love

in the best ways possible
someone who has depression.

And it's not easy.

And every day -- it's not an easy thing
that's for sure but with some of these tips,

with some of these strategies, once we
start using them, it will become easier.

It won't become -- it won't
feel quite as draining.

So thanks you guys for watching.