>> Hi there.
My name is Julia Kristina and I am a registered clinical counselor and mental health therapist
and counseling psychologist and depending on where you are
in the world, those all mean the same thing.
And today we're going to talk about part two of loving someone who has depression
and how we can be there to support them in effective ways.
So last time we talked about a few things that we could do and a few things
that we sometimes may do that are not really helpful and then looked at some better ways
that we can approach our loved ones.
And this is part two.
We're going to talk more about different things that we can do to support our loved ones
and things that may be not quite as helpful, not quite as useful.
So I think one of the most important ones -- I'm going to reiterate it.
I said it in the last one but it's about things that we say to someone who has depression
that we think are helpful but that are actually really not helpful at all
and often times make the person feel worse, but it comes from a good place.
We're coming from a good place so we have good intentions.
And those are when we say things like, you know, just get over it.
The grass is always greener.
Look on the bright side.
Somebody always has it worse.
If you just get out and do something, you know, you'll feel better.
And those things all come from a really genuine place and we really want to help the person
but it often times makes a person with depression feel worse
because yes, they want to feel better.
They want to be able to get out and do things and look on the bright side.
But because depression is an illness, it's preventing them from doing that.
So the types of things that we can say are I'm here for you.
I support you.
I know that you can get through this.
You know, let me know how I can be here for you.
I believe in you.
I love you.
All these kinds of things.
Those are really helpful, supportive things that we can say to a loved one who has depression.
I just wanted to go over that one quickly.
So let's get on to the new stuff now.
So the next thing that we should avoid doing when we have a loved one
who has depression is making ultimatums.
So that whole tough love thing of saying if you don't get better, if you don't, you know,
start dealing with this, if you don't stop being depressed then I'm going to leave you.
I'm going to end the relationship.
I'm never going to talk to you again.
And that kind of stuff makes the person with depression not only feel depressed
but often times really trapped and helpless
because if they could just get over it, they would.
Now that said, as the loved one of someone who has depression, if being in the relationship
with that person who has depression is getting to be too much for you and you really feel
like you can't be in the relationship anymore then that's a decision that you need to make
for yourself but telling someone and threatening them and trying to like tough love them
into changing, it just actually makes them feel worse and feel trapped
because if they could just get over it, again, they would.
So try to avoid, you know, strong-arming loved ones with stuff like that.
I know that we sometimes get frustrated and don't know what else to do or what else to say
but saying something like that, it's not helpful and it's not going to be useful.
Another thing that we need to be aware of loving someone with depression is to keep on them.
You know, they're struggling.
And they might push us away or they might turn down invitations
but it's not because they don't love us.
It's because they are struggling.
It's because they are feeling overwhelmed with the depression
and so they feel like they need to pull away.
But we need to keep on them and calling them and telling them that we're there for them.
And just remind them -- it could be little things.
It can just be like a little text message being like hey, I'm thinking of you.
Would love to see you whenever you're up for it.
Or giving them a call and being like hey, I just wanted to check in.
You know, I'd love to get together but no pressure, whenever it works for you
and just sort of being there and keeping on them because that's one of the hugest things
for people who have depression is knowing that their loved ones are there for them
and they still care about them and they still value them even though they have this big cloud,
this big weight, this big monster of depression on top of them
that they are having a hard time getting out from under.
And that can be really therapeutic when --
like you know when any of us know that our loved ones are there for us and care
about us no matter what we're going through.
That's huge for anyone, depressed or not that is huge.
So to keep that in mind that even if, you know, the person doesn't take you
up on all your offers to know that your love and your support and your keeping
on them actually does make a difference to them.
It actually does mean something.
The other thing that all of us do -- whenever someone is talking about something
that they're going through is -- it's normal to kind of say oh, yeah.
I know what you mean.
I went through something like this that's similar.
That said, when someone is talking to us about their depression or about what they're going
through and about how they're feeling,
it's important that we often, you know, try to just listen.
Try not to compare our experience to theirs, not -- and at least not all the time.
Having a bad day and having a moment of feeling depressed if, you know, you lost your job
or someone broke up with you or, you know, things didn't go your way and so feeling down
and feeling depressed because something happened in your life is different.
It's still important.
It's still a big deal.
Don't get me wrong but it's different than having the mental illness of depression.
So although we're trying to be hopeful and say I know what you mean,
unless we've had depression, we don't know what they mean.
And that said too, even if we have had depression,
everyone experiences it a little bit differently.
And we can talk about our experiences with our loved ones
but sometimes they just need us to listen.
They just need us to be there for them.
They just need to feel heard and to feel valued for what they're going through not necessarily
that they always, you know, need to hear about what we're going through.
Not in every situation.
And the other thing that's important to know about loving someone
who has depression -- that it's okay to ask.
It's okay to ask them how they're feeling.
It's okay to check in with them and be like hey --
you know, even saying something like on a scale from one to ten,
one being you've never felt worse and ten being you've never felt better, where you at today,
you know, with the depression or with your mood or with how you're doing?
It's okay to check in and ask.
A lot of times I think we get scared of it and we don't want to ask.
We don't want to say the wrong thing so we just don't end up saying anything but it's okay.
And it often times feels good for the person who does have depression to know
that their loved ones care enough just to ask.
So those are the next set of our tips and stuff that we can do to help and support and love
in the best ways possible someone who has depression.
And it's not easy.
And every day -- it's not an easy thing that's for sure but with some of these tips,
with some of these strategies, once we start using them, it will become easier.
It won't become -- it won't feel quite as draining.
So thanks you guys for watching.