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>> Hi there.

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My name is Julia Kristina and I am a registered
clinical counselor and mental health therapist

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and counseling psychologist
and depending on where you are

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in the world, those all mean the same thing.

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And today we're going to talk about part
two of loving someone who has depression

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and how we can be there to
support them in effective ways.

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So last time we talked about a few
things that we could do and a few things

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that we sometimes may do that are not really
helpful and then looked at some better ways

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that we can approach our loved ones.

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And this is part two.

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We're going to talk more about different
things that we can do to support our loved ones

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and things that may be not quite
as helpful, not quite as useful.

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So I think one of the most important
ones -- I'm going to reiterate it.

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I said it in the last one but it's about things
that we say to someone who has depression

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that we think are helpful but that
are actually really not helpful at all

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and often times make the person feel
worse, but it comes from a good place.

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We're coming from a good place
so we have good intentions.

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And those are when we say things
like, you know, just get over it.

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The grass is always greener.

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Look on the bright side.

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Somebody always has it worse.

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If you just get out and do something,
you know, you'll feel better.

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And those things all come from a really genuine
place and we really want to help the person

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but it often times makes a
person with depression feel worse

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because yes, they want to feel better.

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They want to be able to get out and
do things and look on the bright side.

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But because depression is an illness,
it's preventing them from doing that.

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So the types of things that we
can say are I'm here for you.

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I support you.

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I know that you can get through this.

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You know, let me know how I can be here for you.

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I believe in you.

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I love you.

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All these kinds of things.

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Those are really helpful, supportive things that
we can say to a loved one who has depression.

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I just wanted to go over that one quickly.

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So let's get on to the new stuff now.

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So the next thing that we should
avoid doing when we have a loved one

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who has depression is making ultimatums.

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So that whole tough love thing of saying if
you don't get better, if you don't, you know,

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start dealing with this, if you don't stop
being depressed then I'm going to leave you.

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I'm going to end the relationship.

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I'm never going to talk to you again.

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And that kind of stuff makes the person
with depression not only feel depressed

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but often times really trapped and helpless

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because if they could just
get over it, they would.

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Now that said, as the loved one of someone who
has depression, if being in the relationship

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with that person who has depression is getting
to be too much for you and you really feel

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like you can't be in the relationship anymore
then that's a decision that you need to make

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for yourself but telling someone and threatening
them and trying to like tough love them

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into changing, it just actually makes
them feel worse and feel trapped

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because if they could just get
over it, again, they would.

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So try to avoid, you know, strong-arming
loved ones with stuff like that.

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I know that we sometimes get frustrated and
don't know what else to do or what else to say

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but saying something like that, it's not
helpful and it's not going to be useful.

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Another thing that we need to be aware of loving
someone with depression is to keep on them.

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You know, they're struggling.

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And they might push us away or
they might turn down invitations

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but it's not because they don't love us.

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It's because they are struggling.

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It's because they are feeling
overwhelmed with the depression

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and so they feel like they need to pull away.

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But we need to keep on them and calling them
and telling them that we're there for them.

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And just remind them -- it
could be little things.

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It can just be like a little text message
being like hey, I'm thinking of you.

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Would love to see you whenever you're up for it.

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Or giving them a call and being
like hey, I just wanted to check in.

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You know, I'd love to get together but
no pressure, whenever it works for you

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and just sort of being there and keeping on
them because that's one of the hugest things

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for people who have depression is knowing
that their loved ones are there for them

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and they still care about them and they still
value them even though they have this big cloud,

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this big weight, this big monster
of depression on top of them

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that they are having a hard
time getting out from under.

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And that can be really therapeutic when --

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like you know when any of us know that
our loved ones are there for us and care

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about us no matter what we're going through.

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That's huge for anyone, depressed
or not that is huge.

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So to keep that in mind that even if,
you know, the person doesn't take you

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up on all your offers to know that your
love and your support and your keeping

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on them actually does make a difference to them.

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It actually does mean something.

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The other thing that all of us do --
whenever someone is talking about something

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that they're going through is --
it's normal to kind of say oh, yeah.

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I know what you mean.

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I went through something
like this that's similar.

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That said, when someone is talking to us about
their depression or about what they're going

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through and about how they're feeling,

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it's important that we often,
you know, try to just listen.

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Try not to compare our experience to theirs,
not -- and at least not all the time.

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Having a bad day and having a moment of feeling
depressed if, you know, you lost your job

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or someone broke up with you or, you know,
things didn't go your way and so feeling down

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and feeling depressed because something
happened in your life is different.

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It's still important.

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It's still a big deal.

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Don't get me wrong but it's different than
having the mental illness of depression.

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So although we're trying to be
hopeful and say I know what you mean,

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unless we've had depression,
we don't know what they mean.

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And that said too, even if
we have had depression,

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everyone experiences it a
little bit differently.

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And we can talk about our
experiences with our loved ones

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but sometimes they just need us to listen.

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They just need us to be there for them.

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They just need to feel heard and to feel valued
for what they're going through not necessarily

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that they always, you know, need to
hear about what we're going through.

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Not in every situation.

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And the other thing that's important
to know about loving someone

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who has depression -- that it's okay to ask.

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It's okay to ask them how they're feeling.

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It's okay to check in with
them and be like hey --

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you know, even saying something
like on a scale from one to ten,

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one being you've never felt worse and ten being
you've never felt better, where you at today,

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you know, with the depression or with
your mood or with how you're doing?

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It's okay to check in and ask.

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A lot of times I think we get scared
of it and we don't want to ask.

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We don't want to say the wrong thing so we just
don't end up saying anything but it's okay.

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And it often times feels good for the
person who does have depression to know

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that their loved ones care enough just to ask.

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So those are the next set of our tips and stuff
that we can do to help and support and love

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in the best ways possible
someone who has depression.

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And it's not easy.

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And every day -- it's not an easy thing
that's for sure but with some of these tips,

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with some of these strategies, once we
start using them, it will become easier.

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It won't become -- it won't
feel quite as draining.

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So thanks you guys for watching.