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[This talk contains mature content[br]Viewer discretion is advised]

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My specialty, as a sex educator,[br]is I bring the science.

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But my first and most important job[br]is that I stay neutral

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when I talk about anything sex-related,

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no embarrassment, no titillation,[br]no judgment, no shame,

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no matter where I am.

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No matter what question you ask me.

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At the end of a conference[br]in a hotel lobby once,

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I'm literally on my way out the door[br]and a colleague chases me down.

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"Emily, I just have[br]a really quick question.

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A friend of mine --

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(Laughter)

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wants to know if it's possible[br]to get addicted to her vibrator."

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The answer is no,[br]but it is possible to get spoiled.

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A different conference,[br]this one in an outdoor tropical paradise,

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I'm at the breakfast buffet,[br]and a couple approaches me.

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"Hi, Emily, we're sorry to interrupt you

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but we just wanted to ask a quick question[br]about premature ejaculation."

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"Sure, let me tell you[br]about the stop/start technique."

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That is my life.

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I stay neutral when[br]other people might "squick."

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Squick is an emotion[br]that combines surprise

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with embarrassment plus some disgust

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and like, not knowing[br]what to do with your hands.

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So, it's a product.

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The reason you experience it

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is because you spent[br]the first two decades of your life

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learning that sex is a dangerous[br]and disgusting source of everlasting shame

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and if you're not really good at it,[br]no one will ever love you.

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(Laughter)

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So you might squick,[br]hearing me talk about sex

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while you're sitting in a room[br]full of strangers -- that is normal.

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I invite you to breathe.

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Feelings are tunnels.

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We make our way through the darkness[br]to get to the light at the end.

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And I promise it's worth it.

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Because I want to share with you[br]today a piece of science

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that has changed[br]how I think about everything,

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from the behavior of neurotransmitters[br]in our emotional brain,

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to the dynamics of our[br]interpersonal relationships.

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To our judicial system.

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And it starts with our brain.

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There's an area of your brain[br]you've probably heard referred to

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as the "reward center."

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I think calling it the reward center

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is a little bit like calling[br]your face your nose.

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That is one prominent feature,

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but it ignores some other parts[br]and will leave you really confused

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if you're trying to understand[br]how faces work.

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It's actually three intertwined[br]but separable systems.

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The first system is liking.

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Which is like reward,

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so this is the opioid hotspots[br]in your emotional brain.

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It assesses hedonic impact --

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"Does this stimulus feel good?

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How good?

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Does this stimulus feel bad?

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How bad?"

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If you drop sugar water[br]on the tongue of a newborn infant,

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the opioid-liking system[br]sets off fireworks.

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And then there's the wanting system.

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Wanting is mediated[br]by this vast dopaminergic network

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in and beyond the emotional brain.

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It motivates us to move toward[br]or away from a stimulus.

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Wanting is more like your toddler,[br]following you around,

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asking for another cookie.

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So wanting and liking are related.

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They are not identical.

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And the third system is learning.

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Learning is Pavlov's dogs.

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You remember Pavlov?

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He makes dogs salivate[br]in response to a bell.

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It's easy, you give a dog food,[br]salivates automatically,

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and you ring a bell.

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Food, salivate, bell.

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Food, bell, salivate.

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Bell, salivate.

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Does that salivation mean[br]that the dog wants to eat the bell?

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Does it mean that the dog[br]finds the bell delicious?

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No.

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What Pavlov did[br]was make the bell food-related.

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When we see this separateness[br]of wanting, liking and learning,

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this is where we find[br]an explanatory framework

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for understanding what researchers call[br]arousal nonconcordance.

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Nonconcordance, very simply,

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is when there is a lack[br]of predictive relationship

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between your physiological[br]response, like salivation,

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and your subjective experience[br]of pleasure and desire.

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That happens in every emotional[br]and motivational system that we have,

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including sex.

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Research over the last 30 years

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has found that genital[br]blood flow can increase

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in response to sex-related stimuli

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even if those sex-related stimuli[br]are not also associated

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with the subjective experience[br]of wanting and liking.

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In fact, the predictive relationship

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between genital response[br]and subjective experience

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is between 10 and 50 percent.

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Which is an enormous range.

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You just can't predict necessarily

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how a person feels[br]about that sex-related stimulus

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just by looking[br]at their genital blood flow.

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When I explained this to my husband,[br]he gave me the best possible example.

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He was like,

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"So, that could explain this one time,[br]when I was in high school, I ...

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I got an erection in response[br]to the phrase 'doughnut hole.'"

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(Laughter)

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Did he want to have sex with the doughnut?

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No.

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He was a teenage boy[br]flooded with testosterone,

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which makes everything[br]a little bit sex-related.

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And it can go in both directions.

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A person with a penis may struggle[br]to get an erection one evening,

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and then wake up the very next[br]morning with an erection,

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when it's nothing but a hassle.

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I got a phone call from[br]a 30-something friend, a woman,

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she said, "So, my partner and I[br]were in the middle of doing some things

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and I was like, 'I want you right now.'

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And he said, 'No, you're still dry,[br]you're just being nice.'

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And I was so ready.

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So what's the matter, is it hormonal,[br]should I talk to a doctor,

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what's going on?"

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Answer?

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It's arousal nonconcordance.

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If you're experiencing unwanted pain,[br]talk to a medical provider.

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Otherwise -- arousal nonconcordance.

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Your genital behavior[br]just doesn't necessarily predict

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your subjective experience[br]of liking and wanting.

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Another friend, back in college,

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told me about her first experiences[br]of power play in a sexual relationship.

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She told me that her partner tied her up

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with her arms over her head like this,[br]she's standing up and he positions her

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so she's straddling a bar, presses up[br]against her clitoris, like this.

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So there's my friend, standing there,[br]and the guy leaves.

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It's a power play.

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Leaves her alone.

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So there's my friend, and she goes,

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"I'm bored."

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(Laughter)

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And the guy comes back[br]and she says, "I am bored."

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And he looks at her[br]and he looks at the bar

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and he says, "Then why are you wet?"

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Why was she wet?

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Is it sex-related to have pressure[br]directly against your clitoris?

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Yeah.

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Does that tell him whether[br]she wants or likes what's happening?

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Nope.

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What does tell him whether[br]she wants or likes what's happening?

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She does!

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She recognized and articulated[br]what she wanted and liked.

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All he had to do was listen to her words.

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My friend on the phone --[br]what's the solution?

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You tell your partner,[br]"Listen to your words."

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Also, buy some lube.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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Applause for lube, absolutely.

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(Applause)

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Everyone, everywhere.

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But I want to tell you a darker[br]listen-to-her-words story.

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This one comes from a note[br]that a student sent me

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after I gave a lecture[br]about arousal nonconcordance.

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She was with a partner,[br]a new partner, glad to be doing things,

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and they reached a point

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where that was as far[br]as she was interested in going

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and so she said no.

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And the partner said, "No, you're wet,[br]you're so ready, don't be shy."

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Shy?

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As if it hadn't taken all the courage[br]and confidence she had

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to say no to someone she liked.

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Whose feelings she did not want to hurt.

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But she said it again.

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She said no.

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Did he listen to her words?

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In the age of Me Too[br]and Time's Up, people ask me,

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"How do I even know[br]what my partner wants and likes?

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Is all consented to be verbal[br]and contractual now?"

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There are times when consent is ambiguous

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and we need a large-scale[br]cultural conversation about that.

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But can we make sure we're noticing[br]how clear consent is

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if we eliminate this myth?

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In every example I've described so far,

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one partner recognized and articulated[br]what they wanted and liked:

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"I want you right now."

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"No."

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And their partner told them[br]they were wrong.

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It's gaslighting.

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Profound and degrading.

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You say you feel one way,

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but your body proves[br]that you feel something else.

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And we only do this around sexuality,

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because arousal nonconcordance

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happens with every emotional[br]and motivational system we have.

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If my mouth waters[br]when I bite into a wormy apple,

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does anybody say to me,

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"You said no, but your body said yes?"

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(Laughter)

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And it's not only our partners[br]who get it wrong.

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The National Judicial Education Program[br]published a document

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called "Judges Tell: What I Wish[br]I Had Known Before I Presided

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in a Case of an Adult Victim[br]of Sexual Assault."

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Number 13:

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On occasion, the victim, female or male,[br]may experience a physical response,

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but this is not a sexual response[br]in the sense of desire or mutuality."

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This brings me one step closer[br]into the darkness,

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and then I promise[br]we will find our way into the light.

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I'm thinking of a recent court case[br]involving multiple instances

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of non-consensual sexual contact.

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Imagine you're on the jury

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and you learn that the victim had orgasms.

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Does it change how your gut[br]responds to the case?

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Let me remind you,[br]orgasm is physiological;

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it is a spontaneous,[br]involuntary release of tension,

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generated in response[br]to sex-related stimuli.

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But the perpetrator’s lawyer made sure[br]the jury knew about those orgasms

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because he thought the orgasms[br]could be construed as consent.

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I will also add that this was a child[br]being abused by an adult in the family.

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I invite you to breathe.

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That kind of story can give a person[br]all kind of feelings,

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from rage to shame to confused arousal

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because it is sex-related,

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even though it is appalling.

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But even though I know it's difficult

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to sit with those feelings[br]in a room full of strangers,

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if we can find our way through[br]all of the messy feelings,

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I believe we will find our way[br]to the light of compassion

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for that child,

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whose relationship[br]with her body was damaged

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by an adult whose job it was[br]to protect it.

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And we'll find hope[br]that there was a trustworthy adult

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who could say, "Genital response

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just means it was a sex-related stimulus;[br]doesn't mean it was wanted or liked,

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certainly doesn't mean[br]it was consented to.

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(Applause)

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That compassion and that hope[br]are why I travel all over,

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talking about this[br]to anyone who will listen.

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I can see it helping people,[br]even as I say the words.

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I invite you to say the words.

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You don't have to say "clitoris"[br]in front of 1000 strangers.

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But do have one brave conversation.

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Tell this to someone you know[br]who has experienced sexual violence --

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you definitely know someone.

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In the US it's one in three women.

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One in six men.

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Almost half of transgender folks.

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Say "Genital response means[br]it's a sex-related stimulus.

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It doesn't mean it was wanted or liked."

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Say it to a judge you know[br]or a lawyer you know,

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or a cop or anyone who might sit[br]on a jury in a sexual assault case.

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Say "Some people think[br]that your body doesn't respond

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if you don't want[br]or like what's happening,

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if only that were true.

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Instead, arousal nonconcordance.

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Say this to the confused[br]teenager in your life

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who is just trying to figure out[br]what, even, what?

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Say, if you bite this moldy fruit[br]and your mouth waters,

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nobody would say to you,

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"Well, you just don't want to admit[br]how much you like it."

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Same goes for down below,[br]arousal nonconcordance.

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Say it to your partner.

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My genitals do not tell you[br]what I want or like.

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I do.

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(Applause)

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The roots of this myth are deep

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and they are entangled with some[br]very dark forces in our culture.

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But with every brave conversation we have,

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we make the world[br]that little bit better, a little simpler

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for the confused teenager.

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A little easier for your friend[br]on the phone, worried that she's broken.

0:12:36.363,0:12:39.235
A little easier and safer

0:12:39.259,0:12:41.902
for the survivors, one in three women.

0:12:41.926,0:12:43.076
One in six men.

0:12:43.648,0:12:45.581
Half of trans folks.

0:12:46.633,0:12:47.783
Me too.

0:12:48.514,0:12:50.978
So for every brave conversation you have,

0:12:52.601,0:12:53.752
thank you.

0:12:53.776,0:13:00.720
(Applause)

0:13:01.268,0:13:02.418
Thank you.

0:13:03.379,0:13:04.561
Thanks.

0:13:04.585,0:13:07.760
(Applause)

0:13:08.232,0:13:10.065
Helen Walters: Emily, come up here.

0:13:10.089,0:13:11.335
Thank you so much.

0:13:11.645,0:13:13.473
I know that you do this all the time,

0:13:13.497,0:13:16.823
and yet, still, I'm so grateful to you[br]for having the courage

0:13:16.847,0:13:18.863
to come and talk about that on this stage.

0:13:18.887,0:13:21.331
It really took a lot[br]and we're very grateful to you.

0:13:21.355,0:13:22.533
So thank you.

0:13:22.557,0:13:24.474
Emily Nagoski: I am grateful to be here.

0:13:24.498,0:13:26.101
HW: So in your regular day job,

0:13:26.125,0:13:28.221
I imagine, as you put[br]at the top of the talk,

0:13:28.245,0:13:29.839
you get asked a lot of questions.

0:13:29.863,0:13:33.474
But what's the one question[br]that you get asked all the time

0:13:33.498,0:13:38.006
that you can share with everyone here[br]so you don't have to answer it 1000 times

0:13:38.030,0:13:39.569
throughout the rest of the week?

0:13:39.895,0:13:41.791
EN: The question I get asked most often

0:13:41.815,0:13:45.220
is actually the question underneath[br]pretty much all the other questions,

0:13:45.244,0:13:47.283
so, can you get addicted to your vibrator,

0:13:47.307,0:13:49.387
please help me[br]with my erectile dysfunction?

0:13:49.411,0:13:52.513
Underneath every question is actually[br]the question, "Am I normal?"

0:13:52.839,0:13:55.220
To which my answer in my mind is,

0:13:55.244,0:13:59.436
what even is normal and why is that[br]what you want your sexuality to be?

0:13:59.942,0:14:02.283
Why do we only want to be normal[br]around sexuality?

0:14:02.307,0:14:04.156
Don't we want to be extraordinary?

0:14:04.180,0:14:07.990
Like, do you just want normal sex[br]or do you want awesome sex in your life?

0:14:08.014,0:14:10.474
I think, though, there's a lot of fear

0:14:10.498,0:14:12.665
around being too different sexually.

0:14:12.689,0:14:14.228
When people are asking me,

0:14:14.252,0:14:16.173
"Is this thing I'm experiencing normal,"

0:14:16.197,0:14:19.594
what they're actually[br]asking me is, "Do I belong?"

0:14:19.998,0:14:21.919
Do I belong in this relationship,

0:14:21.943,0:14:24.418
do I belong in this community of people,

0:14:24.442,0:14:27.154
do I belong on earth as a sexual person?

0:14:27.178,0:14:31.140
To which the answer is always[br]a resounding yes.

0:14:31.164,0:14:35.187
The only barrier there is,[br]the only limit there is, there are two:

0:14:35.211,0:14:38.346
one, if you're experiencing[br]unwanted sexual pain,

0:14:38.370,0:14:39.672
talk to a medical provider.

0:14:39.696,0:14:44.045
And two: As along as everybody involved[br]is free and glad to be there,

0:14:44.069,0:14:45.991
and free to leave whenever they want to,

0:14:46.015,0:14:48.704
you're allowed to do[br]anything that you want to.

0:14:48.728,0:14:51.553
There is no script,[br]there is no box you have to fit into,

0:14:51.577,0:14:55.127
you're allowed, as long as there is[br]consent and no unwanted pain,

0:14:55.151,0:14:57.761
you're totally free to do[br]whatever you want.

0:14:57.785,0:14:59.378
HW: Amazing. Thank you so much.

0:14:59.402,0:15:00.574
EN: Thank you.

0:15:00.598,0:15:02.262
HW: Thank you, you're incredible.

0:15:02.286,0:15:03.436
(Applause)