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I'm an elementary principal here in town.

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I've been in education for 17 years.

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One of the things I love
about working with kids

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is that they can be honest
almost to a scary point.

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I have a legion of kids that will tell me
it's time to lose a few pounds,

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hair is turning gray,

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and other things they want me to work on.

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(Laughter)

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But sometimes, they can say things
that can come across as unkind,

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even be bullies.

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The teaching we do goes well beyond
just the academic piece of schooling.

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Some of our most important lessons
take place in the playground each day.

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A disagreement about a tire swing
can be quite the life lesson.

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As I watch the news
and see things in Washington,

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there are some people there

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who would certainly be missing out
on some recesses right now.

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(Laughter)

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But trying to get kids to understand
time and place about things,

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that can be a tricky thing,

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and to get them
to understand those lessons.

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Sometimes, these things they say
can come across as bullying,

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but an important question could be:
"What is bullying?"

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So let's take a look at that.

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A definition of bullying is something
that has to be an imbalance of power,

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it has to be repetitive

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and it has to be ongoing
and have somebody be a victim of that.

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So sometimes, a kid might say
or do something that is mean

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or come across as unkind,

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but if it's a one-time event,

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it's not going to really meet
the threshold of bullying.

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It's just a life lesson
that we get a chance to teach them.

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But it's that ongoing piece that kids have

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that can make them
actually be considered as a bully.

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Part of that is a lesson
that comes in that it's not just kids;

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it can be adults.

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If you take a moment

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and think back to whoever
your favorite teacher was in school,

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you probably won't tell me
about their subject matter.

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You won't tell me about how you got
to really use that thing of SOHCAHTOA,

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or something like that -

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we're able to extend a polynomial
and factor it out.

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It was about the way they made you feel.

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It was about the way they knew
that you weren't giving your best,

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and they were going
to ride you until you did.

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So there can be bullies there.

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I am a math and science guy,

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in part because this side of my brain
is pretty functional;

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this one, well,
there's something up there.

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But also in part because of a 7th grade
language arts teacher I had.

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She decided that she didn't like me.

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I decided it was a mutual feeling.

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And so, that's the way our year went,
but she was the person in power.

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She was the person who had the control

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and made a point
of belittling me as a writer.

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And part of that was,
because of this side of my brain,

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I wrote this much, and not this much.

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But she made me feel
pretty small as a writer,

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and she was in charge.

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So adults can do that as well.

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But there's statistics
about what bullying is,

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so let's take a look at those.

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Essentially, and summarizing these,

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it comes down to one in five kids
reports being bullied.

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So, if you look at
the two people to your right

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and the two peole to your left,

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odds are likely that one of you
might have been bullied.

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I would contend that it
is probably more than that,

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but kids may not report it
or may not feel that it is.

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It might be just things
that are exchanged.

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Sometimes within my own family
or friends of mine,

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we might exchange words
that people would probably hear and say,

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"Ugh, somebody just got
bullied right there."

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But that can just be the way
we talk with each other.

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But the stats lead me
to this next slide I want to go to here.

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We've got two pictures
up here of bullying.

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The one over on this side

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is the typical scene of bullying
that we all think of.

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There's the big beastie of a kid
who's going to beat up on the smaller kid,

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and that smaller kid has that fearing look
because something bad is about to happen.

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We've all kind of been in that spot
or have seen somebody in that spot.

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So that's one we understand.

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I want to talk about the other picture,

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and I'm going to extend that
a little bit as well

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because I want us to think about

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more than just what's happening
to the direct victim in this.

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We have the kid that's noted
in here as the target,

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and you see that the bullies
are giving him the stare down.

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The look in that kid's eyes is real.

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That's fear,

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fear of, "Am I about to be
physically harmed?

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How's this going to go?

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What's going to happen
through the rest of this?"

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We understand what the victims
of bullying look like,

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but I really want to talk
about the other kids there,

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and I want you to think
about them in a bigger way.

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The assistant, let's talk
about him for a second.

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That kid is probably leaning
around the corner saying,

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"I've hooked up with the bully. I'm in.

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I've got a certain level of protection
because I'm part of the gang right now."

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The sad thing for that kid

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is he's probably going to be
incorrect about that.

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Bullying will come somewhere else.

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Let's talk about the bully himself.

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I find that most of the kids
that are bullies

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are bullied in some way, shape or form.

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And so, for the bully,

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it's, "I'm going to be in charge
of this situation.

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I'm going to be able to control something,

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and this kid, my target,
is going to allow me to have some control

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because I don't
in other areas of my life."

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We have the reinforcers,

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"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

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Not that I would ever hear that.

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But part of what they might be saying
with "Fight, fight, fight"

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is kind of a synonym
for "Thank God that's not me."

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And for some of those kids,
that's the thing.

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They might be victims of things
in their own world,

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and so the fact
that it's going somewhere else

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is really what they're talking about.

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The outsiders are an interesting mix,

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and as I say some of this,
you might say, "Okay ... "

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but stay with me.

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The gals, if look at them,

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their eyes are very similar
to the target's,

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and there could be a piece of them
just looking at it, going,

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"Yeah, that just feels really bad,"

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and it could be because
of what goes on in their world.

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If we think about it,

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those gals could be victims
of physical abuse,

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they could be victims of something
going on not good in their world,

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and so, seeing that
can be pretty tricky for them.

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The kid by his locker
that's got the "Uhhh ... " going on -

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I see kids like that,

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and for that kid, it could be,

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"I wish that was the worst thing
that was going to happen to me today."

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And so, that yawn could be,

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"I'm acting like I'm not
really interested in that,"

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but it could also be of,

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"Yeah, I wish that was all
that's going to happen

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because I'll get home tonight
and this will happen,"

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or "Later today, this is going to happen."

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Some people will say about kids
that they just need to toughen up.

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Well, I will tell you, I've got kids
that come to my school every day

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that are tougher than Superman
and are my heroes

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with what they endure
outside of our school,

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and they come in willing to learn.

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My little catchphrase
that I like to say is,

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"We have to take care
of the Maslow part of the kids

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before we get to
the Bloom's taxonomy of kids,"

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meaning, is their hierarchy of needs met?

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If a kid comes through
my doors in the morning,

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and he's hungry, hasn't slept,

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was abused or something at home,

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and the first thing we do is say,

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"Here's a sheet of math
problems, get to work,"

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he's not going to focus on that math.

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That's not concerning to him at all.
His thing is, "Will I be fed or not?"

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But back up here
to my buddy that's yawning.

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Again, there could be things
that are going on in his world

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that I just want you to consider -

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that because of these kids
having this event take place,

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it's taken other people to dark places.

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If I have kids get in a fight
on the playground

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and they'll come in and say,

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"We just got in a fight on the playground,
what's the big deal?"

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I will say to them,
"Well, you two got into a fight,

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and we're going to talk about that,

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but this person over here
is physically abused at home,

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and so, any time they see
some physical thing taking place,

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it takes them to a dark spot."

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"Well, we were just
calling each other names,

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and that's the way we talk to each other."

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"This person is emotionally
abused at home,

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they're belittled everywhere,

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so when they hear that happening,
it takes them to a dark place."

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A lot of people look at me and say,

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"That guy's never been bullied.
Look at the size of him!"

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Wrong.

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I was bullied a lot growing up,
sometimes because of my size.

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I was Jolly Green Giant,
Sasquatch, Bigfoot -

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you can think of all of those things.

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But I also was a victim of very intense
physical and emotional abuse at my house.

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Not my parents!

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Let me make sure I get that clear.

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But it's a thing
that it's very personal to me,

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and so, when I see it,

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I have a very real, visceral reaction
to bullying when it takes place.

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So what's the best way
we can combat bullying?

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Let's look at that.

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I'm going to try to read through this,

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"The action of understanding,
being aware of, being sensitive to,

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and vicariously experiencing ... "
and all those other big words.

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And let's go and bring it down:
walk in somebody's shoes,

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and not the old joke
of "walk a mile in somebody's shoes"

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because then you're a mile away
and you have their shoes - not that.

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But actually put yourself
in the place of other people.

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I do victims' impact panels
for the Department of Corrections.

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A school I worked in was robbed
a few years ago,

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and they had me come in
and talk to the convicts

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about the ripple effects of their crime

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because they think, "We stole things;
we sold them. What's the big deal?"

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And trying to get them
to understand bigger picture

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of the fact that,
because they stole things,

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we are now having
to backfill those things -

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we're not buying new things for the kids,
we're having to backfill those -

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and how it impacts the parents and their
feeling about security in the building.

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I can tell you right now:

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I've spent a lot of time
in the past couple days

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dealing with parents and their feelings
of security within the school.

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We've had no issue in the school,
but there's been issues in schools.

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So trying to get the inmates
to think larger picture

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about how it's not
just your direct victim,

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it's how what you do
can impact others around you.

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My own two naughty little children,

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who are 20 and 21,

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will tell you that
they've heard their dad say,

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"Nobody has the right
to make somebody have a bad day."

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And that's a piece of empathy
and trying to get kids to understand that.

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I work with my students
in my building all the time

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to have a better feeling of that.

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Each morning, on our announcements,

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I will say,

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"You have two things to do today:

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keep hands, feet and objects
to yourselves,

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and secondly, I want you to say
at least three kind things

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to somebody in the building.

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Find three people,
and say something kind to them,

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and nothing unkind."

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Easier said than done.

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But the thing we try to work with them

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is that the golden rule
is really a good rule.

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"When we talk about our school,
if all of you will do that,

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then over a thousand kind things
will be said today.

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And won't that make
for a better day for people?"

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And it's kind of a good challenge
that we could all go away with as adults

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to say, "OK, I'm going to find
three people today and say,

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'Hey, I love the way that you got
your car parked right there - super.'"

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instead of saying, "I can't believe ... "

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(Laughter)

240
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I don't want to see you laugh

241
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because you think about the other thing
you said about how they parked their car.

242
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(Laughter)

243
00:11:26,655 --> 00:11:29,673
But if we would all say three kind things,

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what kind of difference would that make?

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And so, that would be
my challenge for you tonight.

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In an effort to stop bullying,

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try to make people think
about beyond what's there.

248
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Who's hearing the message
that you're saying?

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Who's seeing the message
that you're conveying?

250
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And think about that

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beyond just that direct person
that you're talking to.

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I can tell you, it's a real challenge
for elementary kids.

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00:11:52,466 --> 00:11:56,177
It's a real challenge for this
"overweight, gray-haired, old man,"

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as the kids will tell me.

255
00:11:58,932 --> 00:12:01,555
But it is the takeaway
I'd like you to have for tonight.

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00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:02,878
Thank you.

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(Applause)