I'm an elementary principal here in town.
I've been in education for 17 years.
One of the things I love about working with kids
is that they can be honest almost to a scary point.
I have a legion of kids that will tell me it's time to lose a few pounds,
hair is turning gray,
and other things they want me to work on.
(Laughter)
But sometimes, they can say things that can come across as unkind,
even be bullies.
The teaching we do goes well beyond just the academic piece of schooling.
Some of our most important lessons take place in the playground each day.
A disagreement about a tire swing can be quite the life lesson.
As I watch the news and see things in Washington,
there are some people there
who would certainly be missing out on some recesses right now.
(Laughter)
But trying to get kids to understand time and place about things,
that can be a tricky thing,
and to get them to understand those lessons.
Sometimes, these things they say can come across as bullying,
but an important question could be: "What is bullying?"
So let's take a look at that.
A definition of bullying is something that has to be an imbalance of power,
it has to be repetitive
and it has to be ongoing and have somebody be a victim of that.
So sometimes, a kid might say or do something that is mean
or come across as unkind,
but if it's a one-time event,
it's not going to really meet the threshold of bullying.
It's just a life lesson that we get a chance to teach them.
But it's that ongoing piece that kids have
that can make them actually be considered as a bully.
Part of that is a lesson that comes in that it's not just kids;
it can be adults.
If you take a moment
and think back to whoever your favorite teacher was in school,
you probably won't tell me about their subject matter.
You won't tell me about how you got to really use that thing of SOHCAHTOA,
or something like that -
we're able to extend a polynomial and factor it out.
It was about the way they made you feel.
It was about the way they knew that you weren't giving your best,
and they were going to ride you until you did.
So there can be bullies there.
I am a math and science guy,
in part because this side of my brain is pretty functional;
this one, well, there's something up there.
But also in part because of a 7th grade language arts teacher I had.
She decided that she didn't like me.
I decided it was a mutual feeling.
And so, that's the way our year went, but she was the person in power.
She was the person who had the control
and made a point of belittling me as a writer.
And part of that was, because of this side of my brain,
I wrote this much, and not this much.
But she made me feel pretty small as a writer,
and she was in charge.
So adults can do that as well.
But there's statistics about what bullying is,
so let's take a look at those.
Essentially, and summarizing these,
it comes down to one in five kids reports being bullied.
So, if you look at the two people to your right
and the two peole to your left,
odds are likely that one of you might have been bullied.
I would contend that it is probably more than that,
but kids may not report it or may not feel that it is.
It might be just things that are exchanged.
Sometimes within my own family or friends of mine,
we might exchange words that people would probably hear and say,
"Ugh, somebody just got bullied right there."
But that can just be the way we talk with each other.
But the stats lead me to this next slide I want to go to here.
We've got two pictures up here of bullying.
The one over on this side
is the typical scene of bullying that we all think of.
There's the big beastie of a kid who's going to beat up on the smaller kid,
and that smaller kid has that fearing look because something bad is about to happen.
We've all kind of been in that spot or have seen somebody in that spot.
So that's one we understand.
I want to talk about the other picture,
and I'm going to extend that a little bit as well
because I want us to think about
more than just what's happening to the direct victim in this.
We have the kid that's noted in here as the target,
and you see that the bullies are giving him the stare down.
The look in that kid's eyes is real.
That's fear,
fear of, "Am I about to be physically harmed?
How's this going to go?
What's going to happen through the rest of this?"
We understand what the victims of bullying look like,
but I really want to talk about the other kids there,
and I want you to think about them in a bigger way.
The assistant, let's talk about him for a second.
That kid is probably leaning around the corner saying,
"I've hooked up with the bully. I'm in.
I've got a certain level of protection because I'm part of the gang right now."
The sad thing for that kid
is he's probably going to be incorrect about that.
Bullying will come somewhere else.
Let's talk about the bully himself.
I find that most of the kids that are bullies
are bullied in some way, shape or form.
And so, for the bully,
it's, "I'm going to be in charge of this situation.
I'm going to be able to control something,
and this kid, my target, is going to allow me to have some control
because I don't in other areas of my life."
We have the reinforcers,
"Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Not that I would ever hear that.
But part of what they might be saying with "Fight, fight, fight"
is kind of a synonym for "Thank God that's not me."
And for some of those kids, that's the thing.
They might be victims of things in their own world,
and so the fact that it's going somewhere else
is really what they're talking about.
The outsiders are an interesting mix,
and as I say some of this, you might say, "Okay ... "
but stay with me.
The gals, if look at them,
their eyes are very similar to the target's,
and there could be a piece of them just looking at it, going,
"Yeah, that just feels really bad,"
and it could be because of what goes on in their world.
If we think about it,
those gals could be victims of physical abuse,
they could be victims of something going on not good in their world,
and so, seeing that can be pretty tricky for them.
The kid by his locker that's got the "Uhhh ... " going on -
I see kids like that,
and for that kid, it could be,
"I wish that was the worst thing that was going to happen to me today."
And so, that yawn could be,
"I'm acting like I'm not really interested in that,"
but it could also be of,
"Yeah, I wish that was all that's going to happen
because I'll get home tonight and this will happen,"
or "Later today, this is going to happen."
Some people will say about kids that they just need to toughen up.
Well, I will tell you, I've got kids that come to my school every day
that are tougher than Superman and are my heroes
with what they endure outside of our school,
and they come in willing to learn.
My little catchphrase that I like to say is,
"We have to take care of the Maslow part of the kids
before we get to the Bloom's taxonomy of kids,"
meaning, is their hierarchy of needs met?
If a kid comes through my doors in the morning,
and he's hungry, hasn't slept,
was abused or something at home,
and the first thing we do is say,
"Here's a sheet of math problems, get to work,"
he's not going to focus on that math.
That's not concerning to him at all. His thing is, "Will I be fed or not?"
But back up here to my buddy that's yawning.
Again, there could be things that are going on in his world
that I just want you to consider -
that because of these kids having this event take place,
it's taken other people to dark places.
If I have kids get in a fight on the playground
and they'll come in and say,
"We just got in a fight on the playground, what's the big deal?"
I will say to them, "Well, you two got into a fight,
and we're going to talk about that,
but this person over here is physically abused at home,
and so, any time they see some physical thing taking place,
it takes them to a dark spot."
"Well, we were just calling each other names,
and that's the way we talk to each other."
"This person is emotionally abused at home,
they're belittled everywhere,
so when they hear that happening, it takes them to a dark place."
A lot of people look at me and say,
"That guy's never been bullied. Look at the size of him!"
Wrong.
I was bullied a lot growing up, sometimes because of my size.
I was Jolly Green Giant, Sasquatch, Bigfoot -
you can think of all of those things.
But I also was a victim of very intense physical and emotional abuse at my house.
Not my parents!
Let me make sure I get that clear.
But it's a thing that it's very personal to me,
and so, when I see it,
I have a very real, visceral reaction to bullying when it takes place.
So what's the best way we can combat bullying?
Let's look at that.
I'm going to try to read through this,
"The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to,
and vicariously experiencing ... " and all those other big words.
And let's go and bring it down: walk in somebody's shoes,
and not the old joke of "walk a mile in somebody's shoes"
because then you're a mile away and you have their shoes - not that.
But actually put yourself in the place of other people.
I do victims' impact panels for the Department of Corrections.
A school I worked in was robbed a few years ago,
and they had me come in and talk to the convicts
about the ripple effects of their crime
because they think, "We stole things; we sold them. What's the big deal?"
And trying to get them to understand bigger picture
of the fact that, because they stole things,
we are now having to backfill those things -
we're not buying new things for the kids, we're having to backfill those -
and how it impacts the parents and their feeling about security in the building.
I can tell you right now:
I've spent a lot of time in the past couple days
dealing with parents and their feelings of security within the school.
We've had no issue in the school, but there's been issues in schools.
So trying to get the inmates to think larger picture
about how it's not just your direct victim,
it's how what you do can impact others around you.
My own two naughty little children,
who are 20 and 21,
will tell you that they've heard their dad say,
"Nobody has the right to make somebody have a bad day."
And that's a piece of empathy and trying to get kids to understand that.
I work with my students in my building all the time
to have a better feeling of that.
Each morning, on our announcements,
I will say,
"You have two things to do today:
keep hands, feet and objects to yourselves,
and secondly, I want you to say at least three kind things
to somebody in the building.
Find three people, and say something kind to them,
and nothing unkind."
Easier said than done.
But the thing we try to work with them
is that the golden rule is really a good rule.
"When we talk about our school, if all of you will do that,
then over a thousand kind things will be said today.
And won't that make for a better day for people?"
And it's kind of a good challenge that we could all go away with as adults
to say, "OK, I'm going to find three people today and say,
'Hey, I love the way that you got your car parked right there - super.'"
instead of saying, "I can't believe ... "
(Laughter)
I don't want to see you laugh
because you think about the other thing you said about how they parked their car.
(Laughter)
But if we would all say three kind things,
what kind of difference would that make?
And so, that would be my challenge for you tonight.
In an effort to stop bullying,
try to make people think about beyond what's there.
Who's hearing the message that you're saying?
Who's seeing the message that you're conveying?
And think about that
beyond just that direct person that you're talking to.
I can tell you, it's a real challenge for elementary kids.
It's a real challenge for this "overweight, gray-haired, old man,"
as the kids will tell me.
But it is the takeaway I'd like you to have for tonight.
Thank you.
(Applause)