0:00:07.832,0:00:10.339
I'm an elementary principal here in town.

0:00:10.339,0:00:13.609
I've been in education for 17 years.

0:00:13.609,0:00:15.908
One of the things I love[br]about working with kids

0:00:15.908,0:00:19.303
is that they can be honest[br]almost to a scary point.

0:00:19.303,0:00:23.773
I have a legion of kids that will tell me[br]it's time to lose a few pounds,

0:00:24.113,0:00:25.434
hair is turning gray,

0:00:25.434,0:00:27.459
and other things they want me to work on.

0:00:27.459,0:00:28.714
(Laughter)

0:00:28.714,0:00:32.343
But sometimes, they can say things[br]that can come across as unkind,

0:00:32.343,0:00:33.563
even be bullies.

0:00:33.563,0:00:37.901
The teaching we do goes well beyond[br]just the academic piece of schooling.

0:00:37.901,0:00:41.515
Some of our most important lessons[br]take place in the playground each day.

0:00:41.895,0:00:46.268
A disagreement about a tire swing[br]can be quite the life lesson.

0:00:46.268,0:00:48.587
As I watch the news[br]and see things in Washington,

0:00:48.587,0:00:49.881
there are some people there

0:00:49.881,0:00:52.958
who would certainly be missing out[br]on some recesses right now.

0:00:52.958,0:00:54.599
(Laughter)

0:00:54.599,0:00:57.889
But trying to get kids to understand[br]time and place about things,

0:00:57.889,0:00:59.677
that can be a tricky thing,

0:00:59.677,0:01:02.056
and to get them[br]to understand those lessons.

0:01:02.056,0:01:05.629
Sometimes, these things they say[br]can come across as bullying,

0:01:05.629,0:01:09.247
but an important question could be:[br]"What is bullying?"

0:01:09.247,0:01:11.081
So let's take a look at that.

0:01:11.081,0:01:15.776
A definition of bullying is something[br]that has to be an imbalance of power,

0:01:15.776,0:01:17.566
it has to be repetitive

0:01:17.566,0:01:23.080
and it has to be ongoing[br]and have somebody be a victim of that.

0:01:23.080,0:01:27.496
So sometimes, a kid might say[br]or do something that is mean

0:01:27.496,0:01:29.737
or come across as unkind,

0:01:29.737,0:01:31.118
but if it's a one-time event,

0:01:31.118,0:01:33.941
it's not going to really meet[br]the threshold of bullying.

0:01:34.311,0:01:37.816
It's just a life lesson[br]that we get a chance to teach them.

0:01:37.816,0:01:39.922
But it's that ongoing piece that kids have

0:01:39.922,0:01:43.822
that can make them[br]actually be considered as a bully.

0:01:43.822,0:01:47.598
Part of that is a lesson[br]that comes in that it's not just kids;

0:01:47.598,0:01:49.302
it can be adults.

0:01:49.302,0:01:50.412
If you take a moment

0:01:50.412,0:01:54.058
and think back to whoever[br]your favorite teacher was in school,

0:01:54.058,0:01:56.593
you probably won't tell me[br]about their subject matter.

0:01:56.593,0:02:01.405
You won't tell me about how you got[br]to really use that thing of SOHCAHTOA,

0:02:01.405,0:02:02.587
or something like that -

0:02:02.587,0:02:07.616
we're able to extend a polynomial[br]and factor it out.

0:02:07.616,0:02:09.524
It was about the way they made you feel.

0:02:09.524,0:02:12.588
It was about the way they knew[br]that you weren't giving your best,

0:02:12.588,0:02:15.103
and they were going[br]to ride you until you did.

0:02:15.103,0:02:17.005
So there can be bullies there.

0:02:17.005,0:02:19.653
I am a math and science guy,

0:02:19.653,0:02:22.984
in part because this side of my brain[br]is pretty functional;

0:02:22.984,0:02:26.752
this one, well,[br]there's something up there.

0:02:26.752,0:02:30.781
But also in part because of a 7th grade[br]language arts teacher I had.

0:02:30.781,0:02:33.561
She decided that she didn't like me.

0:02:33.561,0:02:35.942
I decided it was a mutual feeling.

0:02:36.478,0:02:41.192
And so, that's the way our year went,[br]but she was the person in power.

0:02:41.348,0:02:43.870
She was the person who had the control

0:02:43.870,0:02:46.858
and made a point[br]of belittling me as a writer.

0:02:46.858,0:02:49.667
And part of that was,[br]because of this side of my brain,

0:02:49.667,0:02:52.088
I wrote this much, and not this much.

0:02:52.088,0:02:54.904
But she made me feel[br]pretty small as a writer,

0:02:54.904,0:02:56.785
and she was in charge.

0:02:56.785,0:02:59.304
So adults can do that as well.

0:02:59.304,0:03:01.773
But there's statistics[br]about what bullying is,

0:03:01.773,0:03:03.493
so let's take a look at those.

0:03:04.183,0:03:05.863
Essentially, and summarizing these,

0:03:05.863,0:03:09.128
it comes down to one in five kids[br]reports being bullied.

0:03:09.128,0:03:11.767
So, if you look at[br]the two people to your right

0:03:11.767,0:03:13.742
and the two peole to your left,

0:03:13.742,0:03:17.078
odds are likely that one of you[br]might have been bullied.

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I would contend that it[br]is probably more than that,

0:03:20.679,0:03:24.532
but kids may not report it[br]or may not feel that it is.

0:03:24.532,0:03:27.553
It might be just things[br]that are exchanged.

0:03:28.503,0:03:31.457
Sometimes within my own family[br]or friends of mine,

0:03:31.457,0:03:35.450
we might exchange words[br]that people would probably hear and say,

0:03:35.450,0:03:38.578
"Ugh, somebody just got[br]bullied right there."

0:03:38.578,0:03:41.977
But that can just be the way[br]we talk with each other.

0:03:41.977,0:03:46.651
But the stats lead me[br]to this next slide I want to go to here.

0:03:47.051,0:03:49.472
We've got two pictures[br]up here of bullying.

0:03:49.932,0:03:51.805
The one over on this side

0:03:51.805,0:03:54.358
is the typical scene of bullying[br]that we all think of.

0:03:54.358,0:03:58.751
There's the big beastie of a kid[br]who's going to beat up on the smaller kid,

0:03:58.751,0:04:03.981
and that smaller kid has that fearing look[br]because something bad is about to happen.

0:04:04.281,0:04:07.625
We've all kind of been in that spot[br]or have seen somebody in that spot.

0:04:07.625,0:04:09.091
So that's one we understand.

0:04:09.091,0:04:11.317
I want to talk about the other picture,

0:04:11.317,0:04:13.739
and I'm going to extend that[br]a little bit as well

0:04:13.739,0:04:15.706
because I want us to think about

0:04:15.706,0:04:19.457
more than just what's happening[br]to the direct victim in this.

0:04:19.457,0:04:22.826
We have the kid that's noted[br]in here as the target,

0:04:22.826,0:04:26.109
and you see that the bullies[br]are giving him the stare down.

0:04:26.109,0:04:29.475
The look in that kid's eyes is real.

0:04:29.475,0:04:31.206
That's fear,

0:04:31.206,0:04:33.770
fear of, "Am I about to be[br]physically harmed?

0:04:33.770,0:04:35.040
How's this going to go?

0:04:35.040,0:04:37.619
What's going to happen[br]through the rest of this?"

0:04:37.899,0:04:40.378
We understand what the victims[br]of bullying look like,

0:04:40.378,0:04:42.858
but I really want to talk[br]about the other kids there,

0:04:42.858,0:04:45.620
and I want you to think[br]about them in a bigger way.

0:04:45.620,0:04:48.034
The assistant, let's talk[br]about him for a second.

0:04:48.034,0:04:50.585
That kid is probably leaning[br]around the corner saying,

0:04:50.585,0:04:53.207
"I've hooked up with the bully. I'm in.

0:04:53.207,0:04:58.006
I've got a certain level of protection[br]because I'm part of the gang right now."

0:04:58.406,0:05:00.533
The sad thing for that kid

0:05:00.533,0:05:03.018
is he's probably going to be[br]incorrect about that.

0:05:03.018,0:05:05.132
Bullying will come somewhere else.

0:05:05.652,0:05:07.959
Let's talk about the bully himself.

0:05:07.959,0:05:11.581
I find that most of the kids[br]that are bullies

0:05:11.581,0:05:14.945
are bullied in some way, shape or form.

0:05:14.945,0:05:16.213
And so, for the bully,

0:05:16.213,0:05:18.763
it's, "I'm going to be in charge[br]of this situation.

0:05:18.763,0:05:21.064
I'm going to be able to control something,

0:05:21.064,0:05:25.672
and this kid, my target,[br]is going to allow me to have some control

0:05:25.672,0:05:28.690
because I don't[br]in other areas of my life."

0:05:29.290,0:05:31.358
We have the reinforcers,

0:05:31.358,0:05:33.159
"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

0:05:33.159,0:05:35.049
Not that I would ever hear that.

0:05:36.039,0:05:39.549
But part of what they might be saying[br]with "Fight, fight, fight"

0:05:39.549,0:05:43.382
is kind of a synonym[br]for "Thank God that's not me."

0:05:43.722,0:05:46.519
And for some of those kids,[br]that's the thing.

0:05:46.519,0:05:49.326
They might be victims of things[br]in their own world,

0:05:49.326,0:05:52.040
and so the fact[br]that it's going somewhere else

0:05:52.040,0:05:54.423
is really what they're talking about.

0:05:54.423,0:05:56.770
The outsiders are an interesting mix,

0:05:56.770,0:05:59.262
and as I say some of this,[br]you might say, "Okay ... "

0:05:59.262,0:06:01.059
but stay with me.

0:06:01.059,0:06:02.718
The gals, if look at them,

0:06:02.718,0:06:05.059
their eyes are very similar[br]to the target's,

0:06:05.059,0:06:07.929
and there could be a piece of them[br]just looking at it, going,

0:06:07.929,0:06:09.947
"Yeah, that just feels really bad,"

0:06:10.717,0:06:13.898
and it could be because[br]of what goes on in their world.

0:06:13.898,0:06:15.540
If we think about it,

0:06:15.930,0:06:18.818
those gals could be victims[br]of physical abuse,

0:06:18.818,0:06:22.024
they could be victims of something[br]going on not good in their world,

0:06:22.024,0:06:26.355
and so, seeing that[br]can be pretty tricky for them.

0:06:26.355,0:06:29.726
The kid by his locker[br]that's got the "Uhhh ... " going on -

0:06:31.116,0:06:32.921
I see kids like that,

0:06:32.921,0:06:34.681
and for that kid, it could be,

0:06:34.681,0:06:38.426
"I wish that was the worst thing[br]that was going to happen to me today."

0:06:38.766,0:06:41.076
And so, that yawn could be,

0:06:41.076,0:06:43.522
"I'm acting like I'm not[br]really interested in that,"

0:06:43.522,0:06:45.073
but it could also be of,

0:06:45.073,0:06:47.833
"Yeah, I wish that was all[br]that's going to happen

0:06:47.833,0:06:50.279
because I'll get home tonight[br]and this will happen,"

0:06:50.279,0:06:52.557
or "Later today, this is going to happen."

0:06:53.167,0:06:57.198
Some people will say about kids[br]that they just need to toughen up.

0:06:58.658,0:07:01.904
Well, I will tell you, I've got kids[br]that come to my school every day

0:07:01.904,0:07:04.679
that are tougher than Superman[br]and are my heroes

0:07:04.679,0:07:07.222
with what they endure[br]outside of our school,

0:07:07.222,0:07:09.402
and they come in willing to learn.

0:07:10.992,0:07:13.099
My little catchphrase[br]that I like to say is,

0:07:13.099,0:07:15.868
"We have to take care[br]of the Maslow part of the kids

0:07:15.868,0:07:18.091
before we get to[br]the Bloom's taxonomy of kids,"

0:07:18.091,0:07:20.267
meaning, is their hierarchy of needs met?

0:07:20.267,0:07:22.478
If a kid comes through[br]my doors in the morning,

0:07:22.478,0:07:25.553
and he's hungry, hasn't slept,

0:07:25.553,0:07:27.102
was abused or something at home,

0:07:27.102,0:07:28.706
and the first thing we do is say,

0:07:28.706,0:07:31.090
"Here's a sheet of math[br]problems, get to work,"

0:07:31.090,0:07:32.870
he's not going to focus on that math.

0:07:32.870,0:07:36.556
That's not concerning to him at all.[br]His thing is, "Will I be fed or not?"

0:07:37.114,0:07:40.304
But back up here[br]to my buddy that's yawning.

0:07:40.704,0:07:43.811
Again, there could be things[br]that are going on in his world

0:07:43.811,0:07:45.829
that I just want you to consider -

0:07:45.829,0:07:50.447
that because of these kids[br]having this event take place,

0:07:50.927,0:07:52.793
it's taken other people to dark places.

0:07:52.793,0:07:54.984
If I have kids get in a fight[br]on the playground

0:07:54.984,0:07:56.339
and they'll come in and say,

0:07:56.339,0:07:59.369
"We just got in a fight on the playground,[br]what's the big deal?"

0:07:59.369,0:08:02.178
I will say to them,[br]"Well, you two got into a fight,

0:08:02.178,0:08:04.310
and we're going to talk about that,

0:08:04.310,0:08:07.839
but this person over here[br]is physically abused at home,

0:08:07.839,0:08:11.319
and so, any time they see[br]some physical thing taking place,

0:08:11.319,0:08:13.651
it takes them to a dark spot."

0:08:13.651,0:08:15.758
"Well, we were just[br]calling each other names,

0:08:15.758,0:08:17.758
and that's the way we talk to each other."

0:08:17.758,0:08:19.838
"This person is emotionally[br]abused at home,

0:08:19.838,0:08:21.253
they're belittled everywhere,

0:08:21.253,0:08:24.638
so when they hear that happening,[br]it takes them to a dark place."

0:08:24.638,0:08:26.314
A lot of people look at me and say,

0:08:26.314,0:08:28.981
"That guy's never been bullied.[br]Look at the size of him!"

0:08:28.981,0:08:30.086
Wrong.

0:08:30.086,0:08:33.027
I was bullied a lot growing up,[br]sometimes because of my size.

0:08:33.027,0:08:35.247
I was Jolly Green Giant,[br]Sasquatch, Bigfoot -

0:08:35.247,0:08:37.537
you can think of all of those things.

0:08:38.107,0:08:44.167
But I also was a victim of very intense[br]physical and emotional abuse at my house.

0:08:44.167,0:08:45.236
Not my parents!

0:08:45.236,0:08:47.320
Let me make sure I get that clear.

0:08:49.600,0:08:52.199
But it's a thing[br]that it's very personal to me,

0:08:52.199,0:08:53.975
and so, when I see it,

0:08:53.975,0:08:58.465
I have a very real, visceral reaction[br]to bullying when it takes place.

0:08:59.787,0:09:03.955
So what's the best way[br]we can combat bullying?

0:09:03.955,0:09:05.881
Let's look at that.

0:09:05.881,0:09:07.728
I'm going to try to read through this,

0:09:07.728,0:09:10.805
"The action of understanding,[br]being aware of, being sensitive to,

0:09:10.805,0:09:14.074
and vicariously experiencing ... "[br]and all those other big words.

0:09:14.074,0:09:17.122
And let's go and bring it down:[br]walk in somebody's shoes,

0:09:17.122,0:09:19.819
and not the old joke[br]of "walk a mile in somebody's shoes"

0:09:19.819,0:09:23.116
because then you're a mile away[br]and you have their shoes - not that.

0:09:23.116,0:09:26.471
But actually put yourself[br]in the place of other people.

0:09:26.471,0:09:29.408
I do victims' impact panels[br]for the Department of Corrections.

0:09:29.408,0:09:33.226
A school I worked in was robbed[br]a few years ago,

0:09:33.226,0:09:35.461
and they had me come in[br]and talk to the convicts

0:09:35.461,0:09:37.871
about the ripple effects of their crime

0:09:37.871,0:09:41.514
because they think, "We stole things;[br]we sold them. What's the big deal?"

0:09:41.514,0:09:43.909
And trying to get them[br]to understand bigger picture

0:09:43.909,0:09:46.257
of the fact that,[br]because they stole things,

0:09:46.257,0:09:48.339
we are now having[br]to backfill those things -

0:09:48.339,0:09:51.826
we're not buying new things for the kids,[br]we're having to backfill those -

0:09:51.826,0:09:55.732
and how it impacts the parents and their[br]feeling about security in the building.

0:09:55.732,0:09:56.952
I can tell you right now:

0:09:56.952,0:09:59.205
I've spent a lot of time[br]in the past couple days

0:09:59.205,0:10:02.488
dealing with parents and their feelings[br]of security within the school.

0:10:02.488,0:10:06.004
We've had no issue in the school,[br]but there's been issues in schools.

0:10:06.004,0:10:08.698
So trying to get the inmates[br]to think larger picture

0:10:08.698,0:10:11.339
about how it's not[br]just your direct victim,

0:10:11.339,0:10:14.395
it's how what you do[br]can impact others around you.

0:10:14.805,0:10:17.134
My own two naughty little children,

0:10:17.134,0:10:19.438
who are 20 and 21,

0:10:19.438,0:10:21.651
will tell you that[br]they've heard their dad say,

0:10:21.651,0:10:24.386
"Nobody has the right[br]to make somebody have a bad day."

0:10:25.576,0:10:29.319
And that's a piece of empathy[br]and trying to get kids to understand that.

0:10:29.319,0:10:31.794
I work with my students[br]in my building all the time

0:10:31.794,0:10:33.369
to have a better feeling of that.

0:10:33.369,0:10:35.041
Each morning, on our announcements,

0:10:35.041,0:10:36.447
I will say,

0:10:36.447,0:10:38.400
"You have two things to do today:

0:10:38.400,0:10:40.942
keep hands, feet and objects[br]to yourselves,

0:10:40.942,0:10:43.747
and secondly, I want you to say[br]at least three kind things

0:10:43.747,0:10:45.641
to somebody in the building.

0:10:45.641,0:10:48.033
Find three people,[br]and say something kind to them,

0:10:48.033,0:10:49.784
and nothing unkind."

0:10:50.634,0:10:52.522
Easier said than done.

0:10:53.410,0:10:55.237
But the thing we try to work with them

0:10:55.237,0:10:58.349
is that the golden rule[br]is really a good rule.

0:10:58.349,0:11:01.134
"When we talk about our school,[br]if all of you will do that,

0:11:01.134,0:11:04.042
then over a thousand kind things[br]will be said today.

0:11:04.042,0:11:06.740
And won't that make[br]for a better day for people?"

0:11:06.740,0:11:10.214
And it's kind of a good challenge[br]that we could all go away with as adults

0:11:10.214,0:11:12.952
to say, "OK, I'm going to find[br]three people today and say,

0:11:12.952,0:11:16.338
'Hey, I love the way that you got[br]your car parked right there - super.'"

0:11:16.338,0:11:18.334
instead of saying, "I can't believe ... "

0:11:18.334,0:11:19.380
(Laughter)

0:11:19.380,0:11:21.405
I don't want to see you laugh

0:11:21.405,0:11:25.314
because you think about the other thing[br]you said about how they parked their car.

0:11:25.314,0:11:26.655
(Laughter)

0:11:26.655,0:11:29.673
But if we would all say three kind things,

0:11:29.673,0:11:31.715
what kind of difference would that make?

0:11:31.715,0:11:34.265
And so, that would be[br]my challenge for you tonight.

0:11:34.265,0:11:36.062
In an effort to stop bullying,

0:11:36.062,0:11:38.442
try to make people think[br]about beyond what's there.

0:11:38.442,0:11:41.417
Who's hearing the message[br]that you're saying?

0:11:41.417,0:11:44.753
Who's seeing the message[br]that you're conveying?

0:11:44.753,0:11:46.306
And think about that

0:11:46.306,0:11:49.707
beyond just that direct person[br]that you're talking to.

0:11:49.707,0:11:52.466
I can tell you, it's a real challenge[br]for elementary kids.

0:11:52.466,0:11:56.177
It's a real challenge for this[br]"overweight, gray-haired, old man,"

0:11:56.177,0:11:58.112
as the kids will tell me.

0:11:58.932,0:12:01.555
But it is the takeaway[br]I'd like you to have for tonight.

0:12:01.555,0:12:02.878
Thank you.

0:12:02.878,0:12:04.660
(Applause)