WEBVTT

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So, asking for help
is basically the worst, right?

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I've actually never seen it
on one of those top ten lists

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of things people fear,

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like public speaking

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and death,

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but I'm pretty sure
it actually belongs there.

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Even though in many ways it's foolish
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

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whether it's from a loved one
or a friend or from a coworker

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or even from a stranger,

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somehow, it always feel just a little bit
uncomfortable and embarrassing

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to actually ask for help,

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which is, of course, why most of us
try to avoid asking for help

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whenever humanly possible.

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My father was one of those
legions of fathers

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who, I swear, would rather drive
through an alligator-infested swamp

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than actually ask someone for help
getting back to the road.

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When I was a kid,
we took a family vacation.

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We drove from our home in South Jersey
to Colonial Williamsburg.

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And I remember we got really badly lost.

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My mother and I pleaded with him

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to please just pull over and ask someone
for directions back to the highway,

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and he absolutely refused,

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and, in fact, assured us
that we were not lost,

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he had just always wanted to know
what was over here.

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(Laughter)

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So if we're going to ask for help --

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and we have to, we all do,
practically every day --

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the only way we're going to even begin
to get comfortable with it

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is to get good at it,

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to actually increase the chances
that when you ask for help from someone,

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they're actually going to say yes.

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And not only that, but they're going
to find it actually satisfying

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and rewarding to help you,

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because that way, they'll be motivated
to continue to help you into the future.

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So research that I
and some of my colleagues have done

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has shed a lot of light on why it is
that sometimes people say yes

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to our requests for help

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and why sometimes they say no.

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Now let me just start by saying right now:

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if you need help,

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you are going to have to ask for it.

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Out loud.

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OK?

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We all, to some extent, suffer
from something that psychologists call

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"the illusion of transparency" --

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basically, the mistaken belief

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that our thoughts
and our feelings and our needs

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are really obvious to other people.

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This is not true, but we believe it.

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And so, we just mostly stand around
waiting for someone to notice our needs

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and then spontaneously offer
to help us with it.

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This is a really, really bad assumption.

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In fact, not only is it very difficult
to tell what your needs are,

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but even the people close to you
often struggle to understand

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how they can support you.

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My partner has actually
had to adopt a habit

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of asking me multiple times a day,

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"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

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because I am so, so bad at signaling
when I need someone's help.

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Now, he is more patient than I deserve

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and much more proactive,
much more, about helping

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than any of us have any right
to expect other people to be.

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So if you need help, you're going
to have to ask for it.

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And by the way, even when someone
can tell that you need help,

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how do they know that you want it?

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Did you ever try to give unsolicited help
to someone who, it turns out,

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did not actually want your help
in the first place?

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They get nasty real quick, don't they?

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The other day -- true story --

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my teenage daughter
was getting dressed for school,

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and I decided to give her
some unsolicited help about that.

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(Laughter)

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I happen to think she looks amazing
in brighter colors.

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She tends to prefer sort of darker,
more neutral tones.

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And so I said, very helpfully,

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that I thought maybe
she could go back upstairs

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and try to find something
a little less somber.

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(Laughter)

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So, if looks could kill,

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I would not be standing here right now.

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We really can't blame other people for not
just spontaneously offering to help us

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when we don't actually know
that that's what is wanted.

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In fact, actually, research shows

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that 90 percent of the help that coworkers
give one another in the workplace

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is in response
to explicit requests for help.

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So you're going to have to say
the words "I need your help." Right?

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There's no getting around it.

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Now, to be good at it,

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to make sure that people actually do
help you when you ask for it,

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there are a few other things
that are very helpful to keep in mind.

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First thing: when you ask for help,

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be very, very specific
about the help you want and why.

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Vague, sort of indirect requests for help

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actually aren't very helpful
to the helper, right?

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We don't actually know
what it is you want from us,

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and, just as important,

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we don't know whether or not
we can be successful

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in giving you the help.

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Nobody wants to give bad help.

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Like me, you probably get
some of these requests

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from perfectly pleasant
strangers on LinkedIn

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who want to do things like
"get together over coffee and connect"

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or "pick your brain."

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I ignore these requests
literally every time.

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And it's not that I'm not a nice person.

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It's just that when I don't know
what it is you want from me,

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like, the kind of help
you're hoping that can I provide.

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I'm not interested.

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Nobody is.

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I'd have been much more interested
if they had just come out and said

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whatever it is was
they were hoping to get from me,

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because I'm pretty sure they had
something specific in mind.

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So go ahead and say,

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"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities
to work in your company,"

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or, "I'd like to propose
a joint research project

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in an area I know you're interested in,"

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or, "I'd like your advice
on getting into medical school."

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Technically, I can't help you
with that last one

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because I'm not that kind of doctor,

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but I could point you in the direction
of someone who could.

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OK, second tip.

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This is really important:

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please avoid disclaimers,
apologies and bribes.

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Really, really important.

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Do any of these sound familiar?

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(Clears throat)

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'I'm so, so sorry
that I have to ask you for this."

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"I really hate bothering you with this."

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"If I had any way of doing this
without your help, I would."

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(Laughter)

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Sometimes it feels like people
are so eager to prove

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that they're not weak and greedy
when they ask your for help,

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they're completely missing out
on how uncomfortable

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they're making you feel.

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And by the way -- how am I supposed
to find it satisfying to help you

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if you really hated
having to ask me for help?

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And while it is perfectly,
perfectly acceptable

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to pay strangers to do things for you,

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you need to be very, very careful
when it comes to incentivizing

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your friends and coworkers.

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When you have a relationship with someone,

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helping one another is actually
a natural part of that relationship.

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It's how we show one another that we care.

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If you introduce incentives
or payments into that,

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what can happen is, it starts to feel
like it isn't a relationship,

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it's a transaction.

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And that actually
is experienced as distancing,

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which, ironically, makes people
less likely to help you.

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So a spontaneous gift

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after someone gives you some help
to show your appreciation and gratitude --

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perfectly fine.

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An offer to pay your best friend
to help you move into your new apartment

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is not.

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OK, third rule,

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and I really mean this one:

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please do not ask for help

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over email or text.

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Really, seriously, please don't.

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Email and text are impersonal.

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I realize sometimes
there's no alternative,

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but mostly what happens is,

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we like to ask for help
over email and text

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because it feels less awkward
for us to do so.

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You know what else feels
less awkward over email and text?

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Telling you no.

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And it turns out, there's
research to support this.

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In-person requests for help
are 30 times more likely to get a yes

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than a request made by email.

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So when something is really important
and you really need someone's help,

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make face time to make the request,

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or use your phone as a phone --

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(Laughter)

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to ask for the help that you need.

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OK.

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Last one, and this is actually
a really, really important one

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and probably the one
that is most overlooked

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when it comes to asking for help:

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when you ask someone
for their help and they say yes,

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follow up with them afterward.

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There's a common misconception
that what's rewarding about helping

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is the act of helping itself.

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This is not true.

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What is rewarding about helping
is knowing that your help landed,

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that it had impact,

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that you were effective.

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If I have no idea
how my help affected you,

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how am I supposed to feel about it?

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This happened; I was a university
professor for many years,

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I wrote lots and lots
of letters of recommendation

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for people to get jobs
or to go into graduate school.

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And probably about 95 percent of them,

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I have no idea what happened.

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Now, how do I feel about the time
and effort I took to do that,

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when I really have no idea
if I helped you,

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if it actually helped you
get the thing that you wanted?

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In fact, this idea of feeling effective

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is part of why certain kinds
of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --

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because they allow you
to really vividly imagine

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the effect that your help
is going to have.

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Take something like DonorsChoose.

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You go online, you can choose
the individual teacher by name

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whose classroom you're going
to be able to help

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by literally buying the specific
items they've requested,

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like microscopes or laptops
or flexible seating.

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An appeal like that makes it
so easy for me to imagine

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the good that my money will do,

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that I actually get
an immediate sense of effectiveness

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the minute I commit to giving.

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But you know what else they do?

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They follow up.

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Donors actually get letters
from the kids in the classroom.

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They get pictures.

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They get to know
that they made a difference.

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And this is something we need
to all be doing in our everyday lives,

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especially if we want people
to continue to give us help

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over the long term.

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Take time to tell your colleague
that the help that they gave you

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really helped you land that big sale,

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or helped you get that interview
that you were really hoping to get.

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Take time to tell your partner
that the support they gave you

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really made it possible for you
to get through a tough time.

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Take time to tell your catsitter

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that you're super happy
that for some reason,

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this time the cats didn't break
anything while you were away,

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and so they must have done
a really good job.

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The bottom line is:

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I know -- believe me, I know --

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that it is not easy to ask for help.

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We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

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It makes us feel vulnerable.

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But the reality of modern work
and modern life

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is that nobody does it alone.

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Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

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More than ever, we actually do
have to rely on other people,

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on their support and collaboration,
in order to be successful.

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So when you need help,
ask for it out loud.

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And when you do, do it in a way
that increases your chances

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that you'll get a yes

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and makes the other person
feel awesome for having helped you,

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because you both deserve it.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)