[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.38,0:00:06.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, asking for help\Nis basically the worst, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.36,0:00:10.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've actually never seen it\Non one of those top ten lists
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.33,0:00:12.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of things people fear,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.03,0:00:14.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like public speaking
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.16,0:00:15.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and death,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.86,0:00:18.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm pretty sure\Nit actually belongs there.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.15,0:00:24.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even though in many ways it's foolish\Nfor us to be afraid to admit we need help,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.05,0:00:28.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether it's from a loved one\Nor a friend or from a coworker
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.80,0:00:30.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or even from a stranger,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.81,0:00:35.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somehow, it always feel just a little bit\Nuncomfortable and embarrassing
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.97,0:00:38.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to actually ask for help,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.03,0:00:41.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is, of course, why most of us\Ntry to avoid asking for help
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.26,0:00:42.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whenever humanly possible.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.40,0:00:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father was one of those\Nlegions of fathers
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.86,0:00:52.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who, I swear, would rather drive\Nthrough an alligator-infested swamp
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.26,0:00:55.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than actually ask someone for help\Ngetting back to the road.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.69,0:00:58.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a kid,\Nwe took a family vacation.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.81,0:01:02.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We drove from our home in South Jersey\Nto Colonial Williamsburg.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.96,0:01:05.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I remember we got really badly lost.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.73,0:01:08.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mother and I pleaded with him
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.30,0:01:12.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to please just pull over and ask someone\Nfor directions back to the highway,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.82,0:01:14.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he absolutely refused,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.98,0:01:17.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, in fact, assured us\Nthat we were not lost,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.91,0:01:20.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he had just always wanted to know\Nwhat was over here.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.90,0:01:22.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.89,0:01:25.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if we're going to ask for help --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.28,0:01:29.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we have to, we all do,\Npractically every day --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.85,0:01:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the only way we're going to even begin\Nto get comfortable with it
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.06,0:01:34.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to get good at it,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.95,0:01:38.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to actually increase the chances\Nthat when you ask for help from someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.52,0:01:40.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're actually going to say yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.88,0:01:44.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And not only that, but they're going\Nto find it actually satisfying
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.30,0:01:45.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and rewarding to help you,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.97,0:01:50.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because that way, they'll be motivated\Nto continue to help you into the future.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.90,0:01:53.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So research that I\Nand some of my colleagues have done
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.54,0:01:57.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has shed a lot of light on why it is\Nthat sometimes people say yes
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.60,0:01:58.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to our requests for help
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.96,0:02:01.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and why sometimes they say no.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.48,0:02:04.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now let me just start by saying right now:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.52,0:02:06.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you need help,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.09,0:02:09.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are going to have to ask for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.26,0:02:10.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Out loud.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.56,0:02:11.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.74,0:02:15.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all, to some extent, suffer\Nfrom something that psychologists call
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.07,0:02:17.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"the illusion of transparency" --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.36,0:02:19.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,basically, the mistaken belief
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.05,0:02:21.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that our thoughts\Nand our feelings and our needs
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.97,0:02:24.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are really obvious to other people.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.35,0:02:27.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is not true, but we believe it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.22,0:02:31.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so, we just mostly stand around\Nwaiting for someone to notice our needs
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.28,0:02:34.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then spontaneously offer\Nto help us with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.24,0:02:36.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is a really, really bad assumption.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.74,0:02:40.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, not only is it very difficult\Nto tell what your needs are,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.42,0:02:43.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but even the people close to you\Noften struggle to understand
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.74,0:02:45.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how they can support you.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.82,0:02:48.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My partner has actually\Nhad to adopt a habit
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.52,0:02:51.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of asking me multiple times a day,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.27,0:02:53.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.30,0:02:58.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I am so, so bad at signaling\Nwhen I need someone's help.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.08,0:03:00.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, he is more patient than I deserve
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.67,0:03:04.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and much more proactive,\Nmuch more, about helping
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.48,0:03:07.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than any of us have any right\Nto expect other people to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.24,0:03:10.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if you need help, you're going\Nto have to ask for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.98,0:03:14.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by the way, even when someone\Ncan tell that you need help,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.42,0:03:16.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how do they know that you want it?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.10,0:03:20.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you ever try to give unsolicited help\Nto someone who, it turns out,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.98,0:03:23.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,did not actually want your help\Nin the first place?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.44,0:03:26.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They get nasty real quick, don't they?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.28,0:03:28.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other day -- true story --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.88,0:03:31.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my teenage daughter\Nwas getting dressed for school,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.33,0:03:34.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I decided to give her\Nsome unsolicited help about that.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.41,0:03:35.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.47,0:03:38.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I happen to think she looks amazing\Nin brighter colors.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.45,0:03:42.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She tends to prefer sort of darker,\Nmore neutral tones.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.21,0:03:44.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I said, very helpfully,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.67,0:03:47.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I thought maybe\Nshe could go back upstairs
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.22,0:03:50.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and try to find something\Na little less somber.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.17,0:03:52.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.14,0:03:54.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, if looks could kill,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.92,0:03:57.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would not be standing here right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.36,0:04:02.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We really can't blame other people for not\Njust spontaneously offering to help us
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.62,0:04:05.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we don't actually know\Nthat that's what is wanted.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.84,0:04:07.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, actually, research shows
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.62,0:04:12.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that 90 percent of the help that coworkers\Ngive one another in the workplace
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.24,0:04:16.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is in response\Nto explicit requests for help.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.05,0:04:19.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you're going to have to say\Nthe words "I need your help." Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.51,0:04:21.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no getting around it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.16,0:04:22.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, to be good at it,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.42,0:04:25.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make sure that people actually do\Nhelp you when you ask for it,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.64,0:04:29.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are a few other things\Nthat are very helpful to keep in mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.05,0:04:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First thing: when you ask for help,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.12,0:04:37.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be very, very specific\Nabout the help you want and why.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.72,0:04:41.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Vague, sort of indirect requests for help
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.32,0:04:44.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,actually aren't very helpful\Nto the helper, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.51,0:04:47.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't actually know\Nwhat it is you want from us,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.55,0:04:49.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, just as important,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.23,0:04:51.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don't know whether or not\Nwe can be successful
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.89,0:04:53.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in giving you the help.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.10,0:04:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody wants to give bad help.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.51,0:04:58.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like me, you probably get\Nsome of these requests
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.40,0:05:01.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from perfectly pleasant\Nstrangers on LinkedIn
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.68,0:05:06.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who want to do things like\N"get together over coffee and connect"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.66,0:05:08.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or "pick your brain."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.33,0:05:12.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ignore these requests\Nliterally every time.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.77,0:05:14.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not that I'm not a nice person.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.99,0:05:17.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just that when I don't know\Nwhat it is you want from me,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.91,0:05:20.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like, the kind of help\Nyou're hoping that can I provide.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.69,0:05:22.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not interested.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.35,0:05:23.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody is.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.73,0:05:27.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd have been much more interested\Nif they had just come out and said
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.09,0:05:29.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whatever it is was\Nthey were hoping to get from me,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.56,0:05:32.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I'm pretty sure they had\Nsomething specific in mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.49,0:05:33.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So go ahead and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.68,0:05:36.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities\Nto work in your company,"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.79,0:05:39.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, "I'd like to propose\Na joint research project
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.80,0:05:42.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in an area I know you're interested in,"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.36,0:05:45.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, "I'd like your advice\Non getting into medical school."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.34,0:05:48.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Technically, I can't help you\Nwith that last one
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.67,0:05:50.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I'm not that kind of doctor,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.44,0:05:53.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I could point you in the direction\Nof someone who could.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.16,0:05:55.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, second tip.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.87,0:05:57.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is really important:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.05,0:06:02.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,please avoid disclaimers,\Napologies and bribes.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.21,0:06:04.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, really important.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.48,0:06:06.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do any of these sound familiar?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.63,0:06:07.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Clears throat)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.95,0:06:13.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'I'm so, so sorry\Nthat I have to ask you for this."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.34,0:06:16.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I really hate bothering you with this."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.84,0:06:22.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"If I had any way of doing this\Nwithout your help, I would."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.18,0:06:23.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.23,0:06:26.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it feels like people\Nare so eager to prove
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.38,0:06:29.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they're not weak and greedy\Nwhen they ask your for help,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.51,0:06:32.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're completely missing out\Non how uncomfortable
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.37,0:06:33.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're making you feel.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.95,0:06:37.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by the way -- how am I supposed\Nto find it satisfying to help you
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.32,0:06:40.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you really hated\Nhaving to ask me for help?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.20,0:06:44.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while it is perfectly,\Nperfectly acceptable
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.18,0:06:47.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to pay strangers to do things for you,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.63,0:06:51.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you need to be very, very careful\Nwhen it comes to incentivizing
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.54,0:06:53.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your friends and coworkers.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.77,0:06:55.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you have a relationship with someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.89,0:06:59.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,helping one another is actually\Na natural part of that relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.30,0:07:01.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's how we show one another that we care.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.94,0:07:05.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you introduce incentives\Nor payments into that,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.61,0:07:09.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what can happen is, it starts to feel\Nlike it isn't a relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.31,0:07:10.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's a transaction.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.13,0:07:13.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that actually\Nis experienced as distancing,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.70,0:07:17.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which, ironically, makes people\Nless likely to help you.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.70,0:07:19.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So a spontaneous gift
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.67,0:07:23.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after someone gives you some help\Nto show your appreciation and gratitude --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.54,0:07:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,perfectly fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.04,0:07:28.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An offer to pay your best friend\Nto help you move into your new apartment
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.00,0:07:30.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.62,0:07:32.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, third rule,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.09,0:07:33.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I really mean this one:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.82,0:07:36.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,please do not ask for help
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.53,0:07:38.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over email or text.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.35,0:07:41.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, seriously, please don't.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.99,0:07:44.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Email and text are impersonal.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.21,0:07:46.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realize sometimes\Nthere's no alternative,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.100,0:07:49.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but mostly what happens is,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.51,0:07:52.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we like to ask for help\Nover email and text
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.51,0:07:56.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it feels less awkward\Nfor us to do so.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.73,0:08:00.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know what else feels\Nless awkward over email and text?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.50,0:08:02.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Telling you no.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.34,0:08:05.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it turns out, there's\Nresearch to support this.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.21,0:08:10.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In-person requests for help\Nare 30 times more likely to get a yes
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.98,0:08:12.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than a request made by email.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.31,0:08:16.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when something is really important\Nand you really need someone's help,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.86,0:08:19.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make face time to make the request,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.70,0:08:22.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or use your phone as a phone --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.87,0:08:24.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.73,0:08:27.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to ask for the help that you need.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.08,0:08:28.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.78,0:08:32.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Last one, and this is actually\Na really, really important one
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.52,0:08:34.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and probably the one\Nthat is most overlooked
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.64,0:08:36.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when it comes to asking for help:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.30,0:08:39.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you ask someone\Nfor their help and they say yes,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.43,0:08:41.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,follow up with them afterward.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.11,0:08:45.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a common misconception\Nthat what's rewarding about helping
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.88,0:08:48.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the act of helping itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.25,0:08:49.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is not true.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.69,0:08:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is rewarding about helping\Nis knowing that your help landed,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.83,0:08:55.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it had impact,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.28,0:08:56.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you were effective.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.36,0:09:01.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I have no idea\Nhow my help affected you,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.12,0:09:02.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how am I supposed to feel about it?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.83,0:09:05.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This happened; I was a university\Nprofessor for many years,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.68,0:09:08.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wrote lots and lots\Nof letters of recommendation
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.12,0:09:10.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for people to get jobs\Nor to go into graduate school.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.91,0:09:13.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And probably about 95 percent of them,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.24,0:09:15.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have no idea what happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.35,0:09:18.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, how do I feel about the time\Nand effort I took to do that,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.93,0:09:21.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I really have no idea\Nif I helped you,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.50,0:09:24.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if it actually helped you\Nget the thing that you wanted?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.41,0:09:26.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, this idea of feeling effective
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.97,0:09:32.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is part of why certain kinds\Nof donor appeals are so, so persuasive --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.63,0:09:35.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they allow you\Nto really vividly imagine
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.38,0:09:37.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the effect that your help\Nis going to have.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.57,0:09:40.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take something like DonorsChoose.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.07,0:09:43.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You go online, you can choose\Nthe individual teacher by name
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.72,0:09:46.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whose classroom you're going\Nto be able to help
Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.24,0:09:49.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by literally buying the specific\Nitems they've requested,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.45,0:09:53.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like microscopes or laptops\Nor flexible seating.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.75,0:09:57.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An appeal like that makes it\Nso easy for me to imagine
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.22,0:09:58.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the good that my money will do,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.79,0:10:01.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I actually get\Nan immediate sense of effectiveness
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.42,0:10:03.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the minute I commit to giving.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.32,0:10:04.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you know what else they do?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.87,0:10:06.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They follow up.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.50,0:10:10.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Donors actually get letters\Nfrom the kids in the classroom.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.05,0:10:11.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They get pictures.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.55,0:10:14.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They get to know\Nthat they made a difference.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.06,0:10:17.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is something we need\Nto all be doing in our everyday lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.36,0:10:20.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially if we want people\Nto continue to give us help
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.45,0:10:21.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over the long term.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.34,0:10:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take time to tell your colleague\Nthat the help that they gave you
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.74,0:10:27.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really helped you land that big sale,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.83,0:10:31.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or helped you get that interview\Nthat you were really hoping to get.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.31,0:10:34.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take time to tell your partner\Nthat the support they gave you
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.49,0:10:37.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really made it possible for you\Nto get through a tough time.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.10,0:10:40.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take time to tell your catsitter
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.45,0:10:43.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you're super happy\Nthat for some reason,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.38,0:10:46.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this time the cats didn't break\Nanything while you were away,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.53,0:10:49.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so they must have done\Na really good job.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.15,0:10:51.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The bottom line is:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.52,0:10:53.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know -- believe me, I know --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.98,0:10:56.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it is not easy to ask for help.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.35,0:10:59.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are all a little bit afraid to do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.45,0:11:01.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It makes us feel vulnerable.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.92,0:11:05.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the reality of modern work\Nand modern life
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.02,0:11:08.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that nobody does it alone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.37,0:11:10.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.40,0:11:14.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,More than ever, we actually do\Nhave to rely on other people,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.50,0:11:18.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on their support and collaboration,\Nin order to be successful.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.99,0:11:23.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when you need help,\Nask for it out loud.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.17,0:11:26.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you do, do it in a way\Nthat increases your chances
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.45,0:11:27.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you'll get a yes
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.97,0:11:32.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and makes the other person\Nfeel awesome for having helped you,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.55,0:11:34.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you both deserve it.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.60,0:11:35.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.91,0:11:38.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)