0:00:01.380,0:00:06.333
So, asking for help[br]is basically the worst, right?

0:00:06.357,0:00:10.309
I've actually never seen it[br]on one of those top ten lists

0:00:10.333,0:00:12.008
of things people fear,

0:00:12.032,0:00:14.135
like public speaking

0:00:14.159,0:00:15.831
and death,

0:00:15.855,0:00:18.456
but I'm pretty sure[br]it actually belongs there.

0:00:19.146,0:00:24.022
Even though in many ways it's foolish[br]for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

0:00:24.046,0:00:28.780
whether it's from a loved one[br]or a friend or from a coworker

0:00:28.804,0:00:30.787
or even from a stranger,

0:00:30.811,0:00:35.943
somehow, it always feel just a little bit[br]uncomfortable and embarrassing

0:00:35.967,0:00:38.010
to actually ask for help,

0:00:38.034,0:00:41.236
which is, of course, why most of us[br]try to avoid asking for help

0:00:41.260,0:00:42.911
whenever humanly possible.

0:00:43.400,0:00:46.832
My father was one of those[br]legions of fathers

0:00:46.856,0:00:52.239
who, I swear, would rather drive[br]through an alligator-infested swamp

0:00:52.263,0:00:55.669
than actually ask someone for help[br]getting back to the road.

0:00:55.693,0:00:58.787
When I was a kid,[br]we took a family vacation.

0:00:58.811,0:01:02.473
We drove from our home in South Jersey[br]to Colonial Williamsburg.

0:01:02.958,0:01:05.703
And I remember we got really badly lost.

0:01:05.727,0:01:08.278
My mother and I pleaded with him

0:01:08.302,0:01:12.797
to please just pull over and ask someone[br]for directions back to the highway,

0:01:12.821,0:01:14.954
and he absolutely refused,

0:01:14.978,0:01:17.886
and, in fact, assured us[br]that we were not lost,

0:01:17.910,0:01:20.878
he had just always wanted to know[br]what was over here.

0:01:20.902,0:01:22.867
(Laughter)

0:01:22.891,0:01:25.261
So if we're going to ask for help --

0:01:25.285,0:01:29.825
and we have to, we all do,[br]practically every day --

0:01:29.849,0:01:33.031
the only way we're going to even begin[br]to get comfortable with it

0:01:33.055,0:01:34.924
is to get good at it,

0:01:34.948,0:01:38.495
to actually increase the chances[br]that when you ask for help from someone,

0:01:38.519,0:01:40.860
they're actually going to say yes.

0:01:40.884,0:01:44.274
And not only that, but they're going[br]to find it actually satisfying

0:01:44.298,0:01:45.948
and rewarding to help you,

0:01:45.972,0:01:50.217
because that way, they'll be motivated[br]to continue to help you into the future.

0:01:50.902,0:01:53.519
So research that I[br]and some of my colleagues have done

0:01:53.543,0:01:57.580
has shed a lot of light on why it is[br]that sometimes people say yes

0:01:57.604,0:01:58.938
to our requests for help

0:01:58.962,0:02:01.064
and why sometimes they say no.

0:02:01.479,0:02:04.494
Now let me just start by saying right now:

0:02:04.518,0:02:06.064
if you need help,

0:02:06.088,0:02:09.241
you are going to have to ask for it.

0:02:09.265,0:02:10.541
Out loud.

0:02:10.565,0:02:11.718
OK?

0:02:11.742,0:02:15.044
We all, to some extent, suffer[br]from something that psychologists call

0:02:15.068,0:02:17.331
"the illusion of transparency" --

0:02:17.355,0:02:19.025
basically, the mistaken belief

0:02:19.049,0:02:21.948
that our thoughts[br]and our feelings and our needs

0:02:21.972,0:02:24.359
are really obvious to other people.

0:02:25.348,0:02:27.198
This is not true, but we believe it.

0:02:27.222,0:02:31.257
And so, we just mostly stand around[br]waiting for someone to notice our needs

0:02:31.281,0:02:34.214
and then spontaneously offer[br]to help us with it.

0:02:34.238,0:02:36.717
This is a really, really bad assumption.

0:02:36.741,0:02:40.399
In fact, not only is it very difficult[br]to tell what your needs are,

0:02:40.423,0:02:43.720
but even the people close to you[br]often struggle to understand

0:02:43.744,0:02:45.793
how they can support you.

0:02:45.817,0:02:48.496
My partner has actually[br]had to adopt a habit

0:02:48.520,0:02:51.248
of asking me multiple times a day,

0:02:51.272,0:02:53.274
"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

0:02:53.298,0:02:58.061
because I am so, so bad at signaling[br]when I need someone's help.

0:02:58.085,0:03:00.645
Now, he is more patient than I deserve

0:03:00.669,0:03:04.451
and much more proactive,[br]much more, about helping

0:03:04.475,0:03:07.572
than any of us have any right[br]to expect other people to be.

0:03:08.239,0:03:10.956
So if you need help, you're going[br]to have to ask for it.

0:03:10.980,0:03:14.400
And by the way, even when someone[br]can tell that you need help,

0:03:14.424,0:03:16.573
how do they know that you want it?

0:03:17.100,0:03:20.955
Did you ever try to give unsolicited help[br]to someone who, it turns out,

0:03:20.979,0:03:23.416
did not actually want your help[br]in the first place?

0:03:23.440,0:03:26.260
They get nasty real quick, don't they?

0:03:26.284,0:03:28.860
The other day -- true story --

0:03:28.884,0:03:31.309
my teenage daughter[br]was getting dressed for school,

0:03:31.333,0:03:34.390
and I decided to give her[br]some unsolicited help about that.

0:03:34.414,0:03:35.444
(Laughter)

0:03:35.468,0:03:38.428
I happen to think she looks amazing[br]in brighter colors.

0:03:38.452,0:03:42.183
She tends to prefer sort of darker,[br]more neutral tones.

0:03:42.207,0:03:44.644
And so I said, very helpfully,

0:03:44.668,0:03:47.200
that I thought maybe[br]she could go back upstairs

0:03:47.224,0:03:50.147
and try to find something[br]a little less somber.

0:03:50.171,0:03:52.119
(Laughter)

0:03:52.143,0:03:54.891
So, if looks could kill,

0:03:54.915,0:03:57.341
I would not be standing here right now.

0:03:57.365,0:04:02.595
We really can't blame other people for not[br]just spontaneously offering to help us

0:04:02.619,0:04:05.814
when we don't actually know[br]that that's what is wanted.

0:04:05.838,0:04:07.592
In fact, actually, research shows

0:04:07.616,0:04:12.219
that 90 percent of the help that coworkers[br]give one another in the workplace

0:04:12.243,0:04:16.028
is in response[br]to explicit requests for help.

0:04:16.052,0:04:19.483
So you're going to have to say[br]the words "I need your help." Right?

0:04:19.507,0:04:21.134
There's no getting around it.

0:04:21.158,0:04:22.396
Now, to be good at it,

0:04:22.420,0:04:25.621
to make sure that people actually do[br]help you when you ask for it,

0:04:25.645,0:04:29.023
there are a few other things[br]that are very helpful to keep in mind.

0:04:29.047,0:04:32.099
First thing: when you ask for help,

0:04:32.123,0:04:37.020
be very, very specific[br]about the help you want and why.

0:04:37.718,0:04:41.300
Vague, sort of indirect requests for help

0:04:41.324,0:04:44.487
actually aren't very helpful[br]to the helper, right?

0:04:44.511,0:04:47.524
We don't actually know[br]what it is you want from us,

0:04:47.548,0:04:49.204
and, just as important,

0:04:49.228,0:04:51.869
we don't know whether or not[br]we can be successful

0:04:51.893,0:04:53.077
in giving you the help.

0:04:53.101,0:04:55.004
Nobody wants to give bad help.

0:04:55.512,0:04:58.379
Like me, you probably get[br]some of these requests

0:04:58.403,0:05:01.660
from perfectly pleasant[br]strangers on LinkedIn

0:05:01.684,0:05:06.632
who want to do things like[br]"get together over coffee and connect"

0:05:06.656,0:05:08.756
or "pick your brain."

0:05:09.327,0:05:12.743
I ignore these requests[br]literally every time.

0:05:12.767,0:05:14.962
And it's not that I'm not a nice person.

0:05:14.986,0:05:17.883
It's just that when I don't know[br]what it is you want from me,

0:05:17.907,0:05:20.666
like, the kind of help[br]you're hoping that can I provide.

0:05:20.690,0:05:22.326
I'm not interested.

0:05:22.350,0:05:23.705
Nobody is.

0:05:23.729,0:05:27.068
I'd have been much more interested[br]if they had just come out and said

0:05:27.092,0:05:29.541
whatever it is was[br]they were hoping to get from me,

0:05:29.565,0:05:32.465
because I'm pretty sure they had[br]something specific in mind.

0:05:32.489,0:05:33.659
So go ahead and say,

0:05:33.683,0:05:36.767
"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities[br]to work in your company,"

0:05:36.791,0:05:39.772
or, "I'd like to propose[br]a joint research project

0:05:39.796,0:05:42.341
in an area I know you're interested in,"

0:05:42.365,0:05:45.653
or, "I'd like your advice[br]on getting into medical school."

0:05:46.343,0:05:48.643
Technically, I can't help you[br]with that last one

0:05:48.667,0:05:50.414
because I'm not that kind of doctor,

0:05:50.438,0:05:53.617
but I could point you in the direction[br]of someone who could.

0:05:54.160,0:05:55.849
OK, second tip.

0:05:55.873,0:05:57.149
This is really important:

0:05:58.054,0:06:02.682
please avoid disclaimers,[br]apologies and bribes.

0:06:03.214,0:06:04.460
Really, really important.

0:06:04.484,0:06:06.606
Do any of these sound familiar?

0:06:06.630,0:06:07.882
(Clears throat)

0:06:08.949,0:06:13.313
'I'm so, so sorry[br]that I have to ask you for this."

0:06:13.337,0:06:16.820
"I really hate bothering you with this."

0:06:16.844,0:06:22.156
"If I had any way of doing this[br]without your help, I would."

0:06:22.180,0:06:23.203
(Laughter)

0:06:23.227,0:06:26.351
Sometimes it feels like people[br]are so eager to prove

0:06:26.375,0:06:29.488
that they're not weak and greedy[br]when they ask your for help,

0:06:29.512,0:06:32.347
they're completely missing out[br]on how uncomfortable

0:06:32.371,0:06:33.929
they're making you feel.

0:06:33.953,0:06:37.300
And by the way -- how am I supposed[br]to find it satisfying to help you

0:06:37.324,0:06:40.356
if you really hated[br]having to ask me for help?

0:06:41.198,0:06:44.155
And while it is perfectly,[br]perfectly acceptable

0:06:44.179,0:06:47.602
to pay strangers to do things for you,

0:06:47.626,0:06:51.511
you need to be very, very careful[br]when it comes to incentivizing

0:06:51.535,0:06:53.743
your friends and coworkers.

0:06:53.767,0:06:55.864
When you have a relationship with someone,

0:06:55.888,0:06:59.280
helping one another is actually[br]a natural part of that relationship.

0:06:59.304,0:07:01.912
It's how we show one another that we care.

0:07:01.936,0:07:05.588
If you introduce incentives[br]or payments into that,

0:07:05.612,0:07:09.288
what can happen is, it starts to feel[br]like it isn't a relationship,

0:07:09.312,0:07:10.676
it's a transaction.

0:07:11.128,0:07:13.672
And that actually[br]is experienced as distancing,

0:07:13.696,0:07:17.678
which, ironically, makes people[br]less likely to help you.

0:07:17.702,0:07:19.650
So a spontaneous gift

0:07:19.674,0:07:23.515
after someone gives you some help[br]to show your appreciation and gratitude --

0:07:23.539,0:07:25.019
perfectly fine.

0:07:25.043,0:07:28.978
An offer to pay your best friend[br]to help you move into your new apartment

0:07:29.002,0:07:30.216
is not.

0:07:30.620,0:07:32.067
OK, third rule,

0:07:32.091,0:07:33.801
and I really mean this one:

0:07:33.825,0:07:36.503
please do not ask for help

0:07:36.527,0:07:38.819
over email or text.

0:07:39.351,0:07:41.964
Really, seriously, please don't.

0:07:41.988,0:07:44.182
Email and text are impersonal.

0:07:44.206,0:07:46.972
I realize sometimes[br]there's no alternative,

0:07:46.996,0:07:49.488
but mostly what happens is,

0:07:49.512,0:07:52.485
we like to ask for help[br]over email and text

0:07:52.509,0:07:56.026
because it feels less awkward[br]for us to do so.

0:07:56.730,0:08:00.475
You know what else feels[br]less awkward over email and text?

0:08:00.499,0:08:02.313
Telling you no.

0:08:02.337,0:08:05.190
And it turns out, there's[br]research to support this.

0:08:05.214,0:08:10.956
In-person requests for help[br]are 30 times more likely to get a yes

0:08:10.980,0:08:12.846
than a request made by email.

0:08:13.313,0:08:16.831
So when something is really important[br]and you really need someone's help,

0:08:16.855,0:08:19.679
make face time to make the request,

0:08:19.703,0:08:22.843
or use your phone as a phone --

0:08:22.867,0:08:24.707
(Laughter)

0:08:24.731,0:08:27.055
to ask for the help that you need.

0:08:27.079,0:08:28.261
OK.

0:08:28.775,0:08:32.501
Last one, and this is actually[br]a really, really important one

0:08:32.525,0:08:34.617
and probably the one[br]that is most overlooked

0:08:34.641,0:08:36.277
when it comes to asking for help:

0:08:36.301,0:08:39.409
when you ask someone[br]for their help and they say yes,

0:08:39.433,0:08:41.641
follow up with them afterward.

0:08:42.109,0:08:45.858
There's a common misconception[br]that what's rewarding about helping

0:08:45.882,0:08:48.225
is the act of helping itself.

0:08:48.249,0:08:49.667
This is not true.

0:08:49.691,0:08:53.804
What is rewarding about helping[br]is knowing that your help landed,

0:08:53.828,0:08:55.256
that it had impact,

0:08:55.280,0:08:56.940
that you were effective.

0:08:57.358,0:09:01.096
If I have no idea[br]how my help affected you,

0:09:01.120,0:09:02.802
how am I supposed to feel about it?

0:09:02.826,0:09:05.652
This happened; I was a university[br]professor for many years,

0:09:05.676,0:09:08.100
I wrote lots and lots[br]of letters of recommendation

0:09:08.124,0:09:10.883
for people to get jobs[br]or to go into graduate school.

0:09:10.907,0:09:13.218
And probably about 95 percent of them,

0:09:13.242,0:09:15.323
I have no idea what happened.

0:09:15.347,0:09:18.902
Now, how do I feel about the time[br]and effort I took to do that,

0:09:18.926,0:09:21.479
when I really have no idea[br]if I helped you,

0:09:21.503,0:09:24.383
if it actually helped you[br]get the thing that you wanted?

0:09:24.407,0:09:26.946
In fact, this idea of feeling effective

0:09:26.970,0:09:32.604
is part of why certain kinds[br]of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --

0:09:32.628,0:09:35.359
because they allow you[br]to really vividly imagine

0:09:35.383,0:09:37.545
the effect that your help[br]is going to have.

0:09:37.569,0:09:40.044
Take something like DonorsChoose.

0:09:40.068,0:09:43.696
You go online, you can choose[br]the individual teacher by name

0:09:43.720,0:09:46.212
whose classroom you're going[br]to be able to help

0:09:46.236,0:09:49.428
by literally buying the specific[br]items they've requested,

0:09:49.452,0:09:53.724
like microscopes or laptops[br]or flexible seating.

0:09:53.748,0:09:57.195
An appeal like that makes it[br]so easy for me to imagine

0:09:57.219,0:09:58.767
the good that my money will do,

0:09:58.791,0:10:01.398
that I actually get[br]an immediate sense of effectiveness

0:10:01.422,0:10:03.294
the minute I commit to giving.

0:10:03.318,0:10:04.849
But you know what else they do?

0:10:04.873,0:10:06.475
They follow up.

0:10:06.499,0:10:10.024
Donors actually get letters[br]from the kids in the classroom.

0:10:10.048,0:10:11.524
They get pictures.

0:10:11.548,0:10:14.041
They get to know[br]that they made a difference.

0:10:14.065,0:10:17.332
And this is something we need[br]to all be doing in our everyday lives,

0:10:17.356,0:10:20.425
especially if we want people[br]to continue to give us help

0:10:20.449,0:10:21.825
over the long term.

0:10:22.341,0:10:25.718
Take time to tell your colleague[br]that the help that they gave you

0:10:25.742,0:10:27.802
really helped you land that big sale,

0:10:27.826,0:10:31.289
or helped you get that interview[br]that you were really hoping to get.

0:10:31.313,0:10:34.470
Take time to tell your partner[br]that the support they gave you

0:10:34.494,0:10:37.404
really made it possible for you[br]to get through a tough time.

0:10:38.096,0:10:40.429
Take time to tell your catsitter

0:10:40.453,0:10:43.352
that you're super happy[br]that for some reason,

0:10:43.376,0:10:46.505
this time the cats didn't break[br]anything while you were away,

0:10:46.529,0:10:49.160
and so they must have done[br]a really good job.

0:10:50.149,0:10:51.500
The bottom line is:

0:10:51.524,0:10:53.961
I know -- believe me, I know --

0:10:53.985,0:10:56.467
that it is not easy to ask for help.

0:10:57.348,0:10:59.426
We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

0:10:59.450,0:11:01.286
It makes us feel vulnerable.

0:11:01.921,0:11:05.994
But the reality of modern work[br]and modern life

0:11:06.018,0:11:08.348
is that nobody does it alone.

0:11:08.372,0:11:10.375
Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

0:11:10.399,0:11:14.471
More than ever, we actually do[br]have to rely on other people,

0:11:14.495,0:11:18.214
on their support and collaboration,[br]in order to be successful.

0:11:18.993,0:11:23.148
So when you need help,[br]ask for it out loud.

0:11:23.172,0:11:26.430
And when you do, do it in a way[br]that increases your chances

0:11:26.454,0:11:27.944
that you'll get a yes

0:11:27.968,0:11:32.530
and makes the other person[br]feel awesome for having helped you,

0:11:32.554,0:11:34.116
because you both deserve it.

0:11:34.604,0:11:35.882
Thank you.

0:11:35.906,0:11:38.641
(Applause)