[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.31,0:00:06.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So asking for help\Nis basically the worst, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.56,0:00:09.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've actually never seen it
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.26,0:00:12.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on one of those top ten lists\Nof things people fear,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.33,0:00:15.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like public speaking
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.86,0:00:16.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and death,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.72,0:00:19.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm pretty sure\Nit actually belongs there.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.89,0:00:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even though in many ways it's foolish\Nfor us to be afraid to admit we need help,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.42,0:00:28.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether it's from a loved one\Nor a friend or from a coworker
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.24,0:00:31.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or even from a stranger,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.03,0:00:33.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somehow it always feel just a little bit
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.65,0:00:36.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,uncomfortable and embarrassing
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.06,0:00:38.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to actually ask for help,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.03,0:00:41.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is of course why most of us\Ntry to avoid asking for help
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.44,0:00:43.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whenever humanly possible.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.69,0:00:47.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father was one\Nof those legions of fathers
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.14,0:00:52.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who I swear would rather drive\Nthrough an alligator-infested swamp
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.46,0:00:55.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than actually ask someone for help\Ngetting back to the road.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.12,0:00:58.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a kid,\Nwe took a family vacation.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.99,0:01:02.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We drove from our home in South Jersey\Nto Colonial Williamsburg,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.67,0:01:05.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I remember we got really badly lost,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.73,0:01:09.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my mother and I pleaded with him
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.42,0:01:13.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to please just pull over and ask someone\Nfor directions back to the highway,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.08,0:01:14.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he absolutely refused,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.98,0:01:17.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in fact assured us\Nthat we were not lost,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.91,0:01:20.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he had just always wanted to know\Nwhat was over here.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.90,0:01:22.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.89,0:01:25.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if we're going to ask for help,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.41,0:01:27.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we have to,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.23,0:01:29.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we all do, practically every day,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.97,0:01:33.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the only way we're going to even\Nbegin to get comfortable with it
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.13,0:01:35.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to get good at it,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.07,0:01:38.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to actually increases the chances\Nthat when you ask for help from someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.58,0:01:40.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're actually going to say yes,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.71,0:01:44.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not only that, but they're going\Nto find it actually satisfying
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.30,0:01:46.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and rewarding to help you,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.19,0:01:50.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because that way, they'll be motivated\Nto continue to help you into the future.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.90,0:01:53.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So research that I\Nand some of my colleagues have done
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.89,0:01:57.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has shed a lot of light on why it is\Nthat sometimes people say yes
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.77,0:01:59.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to our requests for help
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.59,0:02:01.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and why sometimes they say no.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.75,0:02:04.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now let me just start by saying right now,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.68,0:02:06.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you need help,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.09,0:02:09.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are going to have to ask for it
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.44,0:02:10.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out loud.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.74,0:02:11.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.45,0:02:14.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all to some extent suffer\Nfrom something that psychologists call
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.87,0:02:17.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the illusion of transparency,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.36,0:02:20.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,basically the mistaken belief\Nthat our thoughts and our feelings
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.82,0:02:24.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our needs are really obvious\Nto other people.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.98,0:02:27.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is not true, but we believe it,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.51,0:02:31.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so we just mostly stand around\Nwaiting for someone to notice our needs
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.28,0:02:34.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then spontaneously offer\Nto help us with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.32,0:02:36.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is a really, really bad assumption.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.90,0:02:40.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, not only is it very difficult\Nto tell what your needs are,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.63,0:02:42.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but even the people close to you\Noften struggle to understand
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.72,0:02:46.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how they can support you.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.34,0:02:48.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My partner has actually\Nhad to adopt a habit
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.98,0:02:51.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of asking me multiple times a day,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.54,0:02:53.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.75,0:02:58.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I am so, so bad at signaling\Nwhen I need someone's help.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.24,0:03:00.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now he is more patient than I deserve,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.84,0:03:04.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and much more proactive,\Nmuch more about helping
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.40,0:03:07.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than any of us have any right\Nto expect other people to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.85,0:03:11.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if you need help, you're going\Nto have to ask for it,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.02,0:03:14.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and by the way, even when someone\Ncan tell that you need help,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.53,0:03:17.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how do they know that you want it?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.24,0:03:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you ever try to give unsolicited help\Nto someone who it turns out
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.00,0:03:24.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,did not actually want your help\Nin the first place?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.12,0:03:26.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They get nasty real quick, don't they.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.54,0:03:28.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other day, true story,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.23,0:03:31.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my teenage daughter\Nwas getting dressed for school
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.52,0:03:34.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I decided to give her\Nsome unsolicited help about that.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.35,0:03:38.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I happen to think she looks amazing\Nin brighter colors.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.59,0:03:42.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She tends to prefer sort of darker,\Nmore neutral tones,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.40,0:03:44.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so I said, very helpfully,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.93,0:03:47.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I thought maybe\Nshe could go back upstairs
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.84,0:03:50.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and try to find something\Na little less somber.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.73,0:03:52.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.33,0:03:54.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if looks could kill,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.70,0:03:57.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would not be standing here right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.69,0:04:02.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We really can't blame other people for not\Njust spontaneously offering to help us
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.86,0:04:06.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we don't actually know\Nthat that's what is wanted.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.17,0:04:09.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, actually, research shows\Nthat 90 percent of the help
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.71,0:04:13.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that coworkers give one another\Nin the workplace is in response
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.43,0:04:16.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to explicit requests for help.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.21,0:04:18.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you're going to have to say the words,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.19,0:04:19.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I need your help."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.36,0:04:21.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right? There's no getting around it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.34,0:04:22.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, to be good at it,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.68,0:04:26.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make sure that people actually do\Nhelp you when you ask for it,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.08,0:04:29.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are a few other things\Nthat are very helpful to keep in mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.23,0:04:32.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First thing: when you ask for help,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.24,0:04:34.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be very, very specific
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.13,0:04:37.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about the help you want and why.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.46,0:04:41.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Vague, sort of indirect request for help
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.30,0:04:44.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,actually aren't very helpful\Nto the helper, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.82,0:04:47.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't actually know\Nwhat it is you want from us,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.55,0:04:49.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, just as important,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.55,0:04:53.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don't know whether or not\Nwe can be successful
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.17,0:04:53.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in giving you the help.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.58,0:04:55.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody wants to give bad help.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.24,0:04:58.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like me, you probably get\Nsome of these requests
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.91,0:05:01.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from perfectly pleasant\Nstrangers on LinkedIn
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.68,0:05:03.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who want to do things like
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.30,0:05:06.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"get together over coffee and connect"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.56,0:05:09.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or "pick your brain."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.18,0:05:13.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ignore these requests\Nliterally every time,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.08,0:05:15.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's not that I'm not a nice person,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.14,0:05:18.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's just that when I don't know\Nwhat it is you want from me,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.06,0:05:20.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like, the kind of help\Nyou're hoping that can I provide,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.86,0:05:22.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not interested.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.63,0:05:23.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody is.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.96,0:05:27.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd have been much more interested\Nif they had just come out and said
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.21,0:05:29.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whatever it is what they\Nwere hoping to get from me,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.32,0:05:32.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I'm pretty sure they had\Nsomething specific in mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.15,0:05:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So go ahead and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.98,0:05:37.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities\Nto work in your company,"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.08,0:05:42.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, "I'd like to propose\Na joint research project
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.43,0:05:42.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in an area I know you're interested in,"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.91,0:05:46.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, "I'd like your advice\Non getting into medical school."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.05,0:05:48.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Technically I can't help you\Nwith that last one,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.28,0:05:50.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I'm not that kind of doctor,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.10,0:05:54.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I could point you in the direction\Nof someone who could.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.16,0:05:55.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, so second tip,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.87,0:05:57.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is really important:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.27,0:06:03.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,please avoid disclaimers,\Napologies, and bribes.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.48,0:06:04.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, really important.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.82,0:06:06.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So do any of these sound familiar?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.97,0:06:12.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'I'm so, so sorry\Nthat I have to ask you for this."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.68,0:06:17.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I really hate bothering you with this."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.21,0:06:21.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"If I had any way of doing this\Nwithout your help, I would."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.29,0:06:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it feels like people\Nare so eager to prove
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.46,0:06:29.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they're not weak and greedy\Nwhen they ask your for help,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.68,0:06:32.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're completely missing out\Non how uncomfortable
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.88,0:06:34.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're making you feel.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.16,0:06:37.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by the way, how am I supposed\Nto find it satisfying to help you
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.21,0:06:40.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you really hated\Nhaving to ask me for help?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.91,0:06:44.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while it is perfectly,\Nperfectly acceptable
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.63,0:06:47.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to pay strangers to do things for you,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.92,0:06:51.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you need to be very, very careful\Nwhen it comes to incentivizing
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.01,0:06:54.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your friends and coworkers.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.04,0:06:57.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you have a relationship with someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.06,0:07:00.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,helping one another is actually\Na natural part of that relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.65,0:07:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's how we show one another that we care.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.50,0:07:05.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you introduce incentives\Nor payments into that,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.82,0:07:09.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what can happen is it starts to feel\Nlike it isn't a relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.57,0:07:11.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's a transaction,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.27,0:07:13.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that actually\Nis experienced as distancing,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.84,0:07:17.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which ironically makes people\Nless likely to help you.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.84,0:07:21.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So a spontaneous gift
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.09,0:07:23.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after someone gives you some help\Nto show your appreciation and gratitude,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.83,0:07:25.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,perfectly fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.26,0:07:29.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An offer to pay your best friend\Nto help you move into your new apartment
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.28,0:07:30.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.98,0:07:32.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, third rule,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.77,0:07:34.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I really mean this one:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.14,0:07:36.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,please do not ask for help
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.24,0:07:38.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over email or text.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.95,0:07:42.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, seriously, please don't.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.79,0:07:44.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Email and text are impersonal,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.78,0:07:46.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I realize sometimes\Nthere's no alternative,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.73,0:07:49.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but mostly what happens is,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.51,0:07:52.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we like to ask for help\Nover email and text
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.81,0:07:56.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it feels less awkward\Nfor us to do so.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.44,0:08:00.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know what else feels\Nless awkward over email and text?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.73,0:08:02.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Telling you no.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.49,0:08:05.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it turns out there's\Nresearch to support this.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.61,0:08:11.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In-person requests for help\Nare 30 times more likely to get a yes
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.23,0:08:13.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than a request made by email.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.12,0:08:16.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when something is really important\Nand you really need someone's help,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.89,0:08:19.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make face time to make the request,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.70,0:08:22.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or use your phone as a phone
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.87,0:08:25.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.01,0:08:27.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to ask for the help that you need.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.44,0:08:29.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.13,0:08:32.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Last one, and this is actually\Na really, really important one
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.68,0:08:34.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and probably the one\Nthat is most overlooked
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.76,0:08:36.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when it comes to asking for help:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.59,0:08:39.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you ask someone\Nfor their help and they say yes,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.55,0:08:42.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,follow up with them afterward.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.44,0:08:46.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a common misconception\Nthat what's rewarding about helping
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.21,0:08:48.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the act of helping itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.57,0:08:49.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is not true.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.93,0:08:54.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is rewarding about helping\Nis knowing that your help landed,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.10,0:08:55.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it had impact,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.55,0:08:57.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you were effective.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.36,0:08:59.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I have no idea\Nhow my help affected you,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.46,0:09:02.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how am I supposed to feel about it?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.94,0:09:05.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This happened. I was a university\Nprofessor for many years,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.47,0:09:08.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wrote lots and lots\Nof letters of recommendation
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.18,0:09:11.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for people to get jobs\Nor to go into graduate school,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.36,0:09:13.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and probably about 95 percent of them,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.52,0:09:15.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have no idea what happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.58,0:09:19.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now how do I feel about the time\Nand effort I took to do that,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.29,0:09:21.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I really have no idea\Nif I helped you,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.82,0:09:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if it actually helped you\Nget the thing that you wanted.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.74,0:09:27.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, this idea of feeling effective
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.23,0:09:30.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is part of why certain\Nkinds of donor appeals
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.27,0:09:32.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are so, so persuasive,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.23,0:09:35.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they allow you\Nto really vividly imagine
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.85,0:09:38.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the effect that your help\Nis going to have.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.05,0:09:40.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So take something like DonorsChoose.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.38,0:09:43.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You go online, you can choose\Nthe individual teacher by name
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.88,0:09:45.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whose classroom that\Nyou're going to be able to help
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.85,0:09:49.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by literally buying the specific items\Nthey've requested, like microscopes
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.55,0:09:53.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or laptops or flexible seating.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.96,0:09:57.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An appeal like that makes it\Nso easy for me to imagine
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.43,0:09:59.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the good that my money will do
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.00,0:10:02.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I actually get\Nan immediate sense of effectiveness
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.13,0:10:03.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the minute I commit to giving.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.74,0:10:05.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you know what else they do?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.04,0:10:07.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They follow up.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.09,0:10:10.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So donors actually get letters\Nfrom the kids in the classroom.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.22,0:10:11.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They get pictures.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.43,0:10:14.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They get to know\Nthat they made a difference,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.25,0:10:16.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this is something we need\Nto all be doing in our everyday lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.26,0:10:20.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially if we want people\Nto continue to give us help
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.14,0:10:22.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over the long term.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.61,0:10:26.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take time to tell your colleague\Nthat the help that they gave you
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.13,0:10:28.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really helped you land that big sale,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.14,0:10:31.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or helped you get that interview\Nthat you were really hoping to get.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.57,0:10:34.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take time to tell your partner\Nthat the support they gave you
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.75,0:10:37.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really made it possible for you\Nto get through a tough time.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.68,0:10:40.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take time to tell your catsitter
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.58,0:10:44.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you're super-happy\Nthat for some reason, this time
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.12,0:10:46.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the cats didn't break anything\Nwhile you were away,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.53,0:10:50.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so they must have done\Na really good job.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.30,0:10:51.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The bottom line is,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.98,0:10:54.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know, believe me I know,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.22,0:10:57.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it is not easy to ask for help.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.18,0:10:59.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are all a little bit afraid to do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.70,0:11:01.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It makes us feel vulnerable.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.98,0:11:04.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the reality of modern work\Nand modern life
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.40,0:11:08.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that nobody does it alone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.68,0:11:10.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.79,0:11:14.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,More than ever, we actually do\Nhave to rely on other people,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.74,0:11:19.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on their support and collaboration,\Nin order to be successful.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.18,0:11:23.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when you need help,\Nask for it out loud,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.46,0:11:27.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when you do, do it in a way\Nthat increases your chances
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.87,0:11:28.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you'll get a yes
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.52,0:11:32.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and makes the other person\Nfeel awesome for having helped you,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.93,0:11:34.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you both deserve it.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.95,0:11:37.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.67,0:11:40.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)