9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So asking for help[br]is basically the worst, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I've actually never seen it

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
on one of those top ten lists[br]of things people fear,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
like public speaking

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and death,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but I'm pretty sure[br]it actually belongs there.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Even though in many ways it's foolish[br]for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
whether it's from a loved one[br]or a friend or from a coworker

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or even from a stranger,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
somehow it always feel just a little bit

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
uncomfortable and embarrassing

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to actually ask for help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is of course why most of us[br]try to avoid asking for help

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
whenever humanly possible.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My father was one[br]of those legions of fathers

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
who I swear would rather drive[br]through an alligator-infested swamp

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
than actually ask someone for help[br]getting back to the road.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I was a kid,[br]we took a family vacation.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We drove from our home in South Jersey[br]to Colonial Williamsburg,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I remember we got really badly lost,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and my mother and I pleaded with him

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to please just pull over and ask someone[br]for directions back to the highway,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and he absolutely refused,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and in fact assured us[br]that we were not lost,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he had just always wanted to know[br]what was over here.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So if we're going to ask for help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and we have to,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we all do, practically every day,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the only way we're going to even[br]begin to get comfortable with it

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is to get good at it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to actually increases the chances[br]that when you ask for help from someone,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they're actually going to say yes,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and not only that, but they're going[br]to find it actually satisfying

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and rewarding to help you,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because that way, they'll be motivated[br]to continue to help you into the future.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So research that I[br]and some of my colleagues have done

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
has shed a lot of light on why it is[br]that sometimes people say yes

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to our requests for help

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and why sometimes they say no.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now let me just start by saying right now,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
if you need help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you are going to have to ask for it

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
out loud.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OK?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We all to some extent suffer[br]from something that psychologists call

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the illusion of transparency,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
basically the mistaken belief[br]that our thoughts and our feelings

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and our needs are really obvious[br]to other people.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is not true, but we believe it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and so we just mostly stand around[br]waiting for someone to notice our needs

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and then spontaneously offer[br]to help us with it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is a really, really bad assumption.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In fact, not only is it very difficult[br]to tell what your needs are,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but even the people close to you[br]often struggle to understand

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
how they can support you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My partner has actually[br]had to adopt a habit

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
of asking me multiple times a day,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because I am so, so bad at signaling[br]when I need someone's help.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now he is more patient than I deserve,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and much more proactive,[br]much more about helping

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
than any of us have any right[br]to expect other people to be.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So if you need help, you're going[br]to have to ask for it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and by the way, even when someone[br]can tell that you need help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
how do they know that you want it?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Did you ever try to give unsolicited help[br]to someone who it turns out

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
did not actually want your help[br]in the first place?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They get nasty real quick, don't they.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The other day, true story,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
my teenage daughter[br]was getting dressed for school

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I decided to give her[br]some unsolicited help about that.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I happen to think she looks amazing[br]in brighter colors.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
She tends to prefer sort of darker,[br]more neutral tones,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and so I said, very helpfully,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that I thought maybe[br]she could go back upstairs

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and try to find something[br]a little less somber.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So if looks could kill,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I would not be standing here right now.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We really can't blame other people for not[br]just spontaneously offering to help us

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when we don't actually know[br]that that's what is wanted.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In fact, actually, research shows[br]that 90 percent of the help

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that coworkers give one another[br]in the workplace is in response

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to explicit requests for help.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So you're going to have to say the words,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"I need your help."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Right? There's no getting around it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, to be good at it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to make sure that people actually do[br]help you when you ask for it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
there are a few other things[br]that are very helpful to keep in mind.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
First thing: when you ask for help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
be very, very specific

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
about the help you want and why.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Vague, sort of indirect request for help

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
actually aren't very helpful[br]to the helper, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We don't actually know[br]what it is you want from us,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and, just as important,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we don't know whether or not[br]we can be successful

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
in giving you the help.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Nobody wants to give bad help.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Like me, you probably get[br]some of these requests

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
from perfectly pleasant[br]strangers on LinkedIn

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
who want to do things like

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"get together over coffee and connect"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or "pick your brain."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I ignore these requests[br]literally every time,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and it's not that I'm not a nice person,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it's just that when I don't know[br]what it is you want from me,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
like, the kind of help[br]you're hoping that can I provide,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm not interested.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Nobody is.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'd have been much more interested[br]if they had just come out and said

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
whatever it is what they[br]were hoping to get from me,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because I'm pretty sure they had[br]something specific in mind.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So go ahead and say,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities[br]to work in your company,"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or, "I'd like to propose[br]a joint research project

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
in an area I know you're interested in,"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or, "I'd like your advice[br]on getting into medical school."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Technically I can't help you[br]with that last one,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because I'm not that kind of doctor,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but I could point you in the direction[br]of someone who could.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OK, so second tip,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
this is really important:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
please avoid disclaimers,[br]apologies, and bribes.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Really, really important.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So do any of these sound familiar?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm so, so sorry[br]that I have to ask you for this?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I really hate bothering you with this.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If I had any way of doing this[br]without your help, I would.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Sometimes it feels like people[br]are so eager to prove

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that they're not weak and greedy[br]when they ask your for help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they're completely missing out[br]on how uncomfortable

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they're making you feel.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And by the way, how am I supposed[br]to find it satisfying to help you

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
if you really hated[br]having to ask me for help?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And while it is perfectly,[br]perfectly acceptable

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to pay strangers to do things for you,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you need to be very, very careful[br]when it comes to incentivizing

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
your friends and coworkers.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When you have a relationship with someone,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
helping one another is actually[br]a natural part of that relationship.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's how we show one another that we care.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If you introduce incentives[br]or payments into that,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
what can happen is it starts to feel[br]like it isn't a relationship,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it's a transaction,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and that actually[br]is experienced as distancing,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which ironically makes people[br]less likely to help you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So a spontaneous gift

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
after someone gives you some help[br]to show your appreciation and gratitude,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
perfectly fine.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
An offer to pay your best friend[br]to help you move into your new apartment

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is not.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OK, third rule,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I really mean this one:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
please do not ask for help

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
over email or text.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Really, seriously, please don't.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Email and text are impersonal,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I realize sometimes[br]there's no alternative,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but mostly what happens is,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we like to ask for help[br]over email and text

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because it feels less awkward[br]for us to do so.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You know what else feels[br]less awkward over email and text?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Telling you no.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And it turns out there's[br]research to support this.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In-person requests for help[br]are 30 times more likely to get a yes

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
than a request made by email.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So when something is really important[br]and you really need someone's help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
make face time to make the request,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or use your phone as a phone

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to ask for the help that you need.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OK.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Last one, and this is actually[br]a really, really important one

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and probably the one[br]that is most overlooked

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when it comes to asking for help:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when you ask someone[br]for their help and they say yes,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
follow up with them afterward.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
There's a common misconception[br]that what's rewarding about helping

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is the act of helping itself.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is not true.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
What is rewarding about helping[br]is knowing that your help landed,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that it had impact,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that you were effective.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If I have no idea[br]how my help affected you,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
how am I supposed to feel about it?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This happened. I was a university[br]professor for many years,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I wrote lots and lots[br]of letters of recommendation

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
for people to get jobs[br]or to go into graduate school,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and probably about 95 percent of them,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I have no idea what happened.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now how do I feel about the time[br]and effort I took to do that,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when I really have no idea[br]if I helped you,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
if it actually helped you[br]get the thing that you wanted.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In fact, this idea of feeling effective

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is part of why certain[br]kinds of donor appeals

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
are so, so persuasive,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because they allow you[br]to really vividly imagine

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the effect that your help[br]is going to have.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So take something like DonorsChoose.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You go online, you can choose[br]the individual teacher by name

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
whose classroom that[br]you're going to be able to help

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
by literally buying the specific items[br]they've requested, like microscopes

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or laptops or flexible seating.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
An appeal like that makes it[br]so easy for me to imagine

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the good that my money will do

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that I actually get[br]an immediate sense of effectiveness

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the minute I commit to giving.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But you know what else they do?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They follow up.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So donors actually get letters[br]from the kids in the classroom.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They get pictures.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They get to know[br]that they made a difference,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and this is something we need[br]to all be doing in our everyday lives,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
especially if we want people[br]to continue to give us help

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
over the long term.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Take time to tell your colleague[br]that the help that they gave you

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
really helped you land that big sale,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or helped you get that interview[br]that you were really hoping to get.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Take time to tell your partner[br]that the support they gave you

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
really made it possible for you[br]to get through a tough time.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Take time to tell your catsitter

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that you're super-happy[br]that for some reason, this time

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the cats didn't break anything[br]while you were away,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and so they must have done[br]a really good job.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The bottom line is,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I know, believe me I know,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that it is not easy to ask for help.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It makes us feel vulnerable.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But the reality of modern work[br]and modern life

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is that nobody does it alone.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
More than ever, we actually do[br]have to rely on other people,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
on their support and collaboration,[br]in order to be successful.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So when you need help,[br]ask for it out loud,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and when you do, do it in a way[br]that increases your chances

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that you'll get a yes

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and makes the other person[br]feel awesome for having helped you,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because you both deserve it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Thank you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Applause)