9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So asking for help[br]is basically the worst, right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I've actually never seen it 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 on one of those top ten lists[br]of things people fear, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 like public speaking 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and death, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but I'm pretty sure[br]it actually belongs there. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Even though in many ways it's foolish[br]for us to be afraid to admit we need help, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 whether it's from a loved one[br]or a friend or from a coworker 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or even from a stranger, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 somehow it always feel just a little bit 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 uncomfortable and embarrassing 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to actually ask for help, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 which is of course why most of us[br]try to avoid asking for help 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 whenever humanly possible. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My father was one[br]of those legions of fathers 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who I swear would rather drive[br]through an alligator-infested swamp 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 than actually ask someone for help[br]getting back to the road. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I was a kid,[br]we took a family vacation. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We drove from our home in South Jersey[br]to Colonial Williamsburg, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I remember we got really badly lost, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and my mother and I pleaded with him 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to please just pull over and ask someone[br]for directions back to the highway, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and he absolutely refused, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and in fact assured us[br]that we were not lost, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he had just always wanted to know[br]what was over here. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So if we're going to ask for help, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and we have to, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we all do, practically every day, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the only way we're going to even[br]begin to get comfortable with it 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is to get good at it, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to actually increases the chances[br]that when you ask for help from someone, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they're actually going to say yes, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and not only that, but they're going[br]to find it actually satisfying 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and rewarding to help you, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because that way, they'll be motivated[br]to continue to help you into the future. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So research that I[br]and some of my colleagues have done 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 has shed a lot of light on why it is[br]that sometimes people say yes 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to our requests for help 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and why sometimes they say no. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now let me just start by saying right now, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 if you need help, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you are going to have to ask for it 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 out loud. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 OK? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We all to some extent suffer[br]from something that psychologists call 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the illusion of transparency, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 basically the mistaken belief[br]that our thoughts and our feelings 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and our needs are really obvious[br]to other people. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This is not true, but we believe it, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and so we just mostly stand around[br]waiting for someone to notice our needs 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and then spontaneously offer[br]to help us with it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This is a really, really bad assumption. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 In fact, not only is it very difficult[br]to tell what your needs are, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but even the people close to you[br]often struggle to understand 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 how they can support you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My partner has actually[br]had to adopt a habit 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of asking me multiple times a day, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Are you OK? Do you need anything?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because I am so, so bad at signaling[br]when I need someone's help. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now he is more patient than I deserve, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and much more proactive,[br]much more about helping 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 than any of us have any right[br]to expect other people to be. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So if you need help, you're going[br]to have to ask for it, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and by the way, even when someone[br]can tell that you need help, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 how do they know that you want it? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Did you ever try to give unsolicited help[br]to someone who it turns out 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 did not actually want your help[br]in the first place? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They get nasty real quick, don't they. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The other day, true story, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 my teenage daughter[br]was getting dressed for school 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I decided to give her[br]some unsolicited help about that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I happen to think she looks amazing[br]in brighter colors. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She tends to prefer sort of darker,[br]more neutral tones, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and so I said, very helpfully, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that I thought maybe[br]she could go back upstairs 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and try to find something[br]a little less somber. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So if looks could kill, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I would not be standing here right now. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We really can't blame other people for not[br]just spontaneously offering to help us 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when we don't actually know[br]that that's what is wanted. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 In fact, actually, research shows[br]that 90 percent of the help 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that coworkers give one another[br]in the workplace is in response 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to explicit requests for help. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So you're going to have to say the words, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I need your help." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Right? There's no getting around it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, to be good at it, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to make sure that people actually do[br]help you when you ask for it, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 there are a few other things[br]that are very helpful to keep in mind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 First thing: when you ask for help, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 be very, very specific 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 about the help you want and why. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Vague, sort of indirect request for help 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 actually aren't very helpful[br]to the helper, right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We don't actually know[br]what it is you want from us, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and, just as important, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we don't know whether or not[br]we can be successful 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in giving you the help. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Nobody wants to give bad help.