0:00:10.942,0:00:14.063
Intimacy, security, respect,

0:00:14.063,0:00:17.412
good communication,[br]a sense of being valued.

0:00:17.412,0:00:20.235
These are some of the things[br]that most people would agree

0:00:20.235,0:00:22.490
make for healthy relationships.

0:00:22.490,0:00:24.426
And researchers would agree, too.

0:00:24.426,0:00:27.654
There is a large body of literature[br]on romantic relationships

0:00:27.654,0:00:30.879
that has identified the features[br]of healthy relationships,

0:00:30.879,0:00:34.400
and the list I just provided[br]contains many of them.

0:00:34.400,0:00:35.710
Researchers also agree

0:00:35.710,0:00:38.630
on what makes for[br]unhealthy relationships -

0:00:38.630,0:00:42.630
things like fighting so much[br]that you just can't work things out;

0:00:42.630,0:00:46.121
not being able to go to your partner[br]for support when you need it;

0:00:46.121,0:00:49.891
contempt, criticism, hostility, violence.

0:00:49.891,0:00:52.833
When these problems[br]happen in relationships,

0:00:52.833,0:00:55.604
they can cause significant unhappiness.

0:00:55.604,0:00:58.962
They can lead to the end[br]of relationships and divorce,

0:00:58.962,0:01:03.696
and they can literally make people[br]physically and emotionally sick.

0:01:03.696,0:01:08.206
This is why it is so critical[br]that people have healthy relationships.

0:01:08.206,0:01:09.575
But there is a problem:

0:01:10.595,0:01:12.125
how many people know,

0:01:12.125,0:01:16.255
I mean, really know what to do[br]on a day-to-day basis,

0:01:16.255,0:01:18.945
to create healthy relationships?

0:01:20.362,0:01:24.441
My point is this: we may know[br]what a healthy relationship looks like,

0:01:24.441,0:01:27.411
but most people[br]have no idea how to get one,

0:01:27.411,0:01:29.975
and no one teaches us how to do so.

0:01:29.975,0:01:34.066
We need to teach people[br]how to have healthy relationships.

0:01:34.874,0:01:38.477
Now, you know when we typically do so?[br]After it's too late.

0:01:38.477,0:01:41.027
It is called couples therapy.

0:01:41.027,0:01:43.773
I do couples therapy,[br]and it can be a wonderful thing.

0:01:43.773,0:01:45.742
But many people come to couples therapy

0:01:45.742,0:01:51.279
with so many ingrained problems[br]and patterns that they just can't change.

0:01:52.269,0:01:53.549
It's too late.

0:01:54.459,0:01:58.070
You know when else we try to teach people[br]how to have healthy relationships?

0:01:58.070,0:02:00.002
Right before they get married.

0:02:00.002,0:02:02.234
It's call premarital education.

0:02:03.134,0:02:04.679
And this is a good idea:

0:02:04.679,0:02:07.281
teach people how to have[br]a good relationship

0:02:07.281,0:02:09.901
while they are still happy, presumably.

0:02:09.901,0:02:11.170
And it can work.

0:02:11.170,0:02:13.428
But in my opinion, it's still too late.

0:02:14.268,0:02:15.268
Why?

0:02:15.688,0:02:17.563
Because people have already selected

0:02:17.563,0:02:20.176
the person they want[br]to commit their life to.

0:02:20.756,0:02:23.279
What if they selected poorly?

0:02:23.279,0:02:28.857
No amount of premarital education[br]can make up for a bad partner choice.

0:02:31.265,0:02:35.505
So the ways we have tried to teach people[br]how to have healthy relationships

0:02:35.505,0:02:37.006
have been limited,

0:02:37.006,0:02:40.286
because they fail to address[br]three important things:

0:02:41.227,0:02:45.684
genuinely knowing what you want and need[br]in a partner and a relationship,

0:02:45.684,0:02:48.037
selecting the right person,

0:02:48.037,0:02:51.933
and developing and using skills[br]right from the beginning.

0:02:51.933,0:02:55.126
I don't mean the beginning[br]of any particular relationship.

0:02:55.126,0:02:58.215
I mean the beginning-beginning,[br]like as soon as possible.

0:02:58.615,0:03:02.382
We need to teach people,[br]especially young people,

0:03:02.382,0:03:04.794
how to have healthy relationships.

0:03:05.414,0:03:09.015
Now, towards this end,[br]my colleagues and I have developed

0:03:09.015,0:03:12.040
a skills based model[br]of relationship functioning

0:03:12.040,0:03:14.468
that we believe can help people

0:03:14.468,0:03:17.384
create the things[br]that lead to healthy relationships

0:03:17.384,0:03:21.179
and reduce the behaviors[br]that lead to unhealthy ones.

0:03:21.179,0:03:23.639
We've identified three skills -

0:03:23.639,0:03:27.393
insight, mutuality,[br]and emotion regulation -

0:03:27.393,0:03:31.863
that form the basis for what we call[br]romantic competence.

0:03:31.863,0:03:35.989
Romantic competence[br]is the ability to function adaptively

0:03:35.989,0:03:40.904
across all areas or all aspects[br]of the relationship process,

0:03:40.904,0:03:43.190
from figuring out what you need,

0:03:43.190,0:03:47.172
to finding the right person,[br]to building a healthy relationship,

0:03:47.172,0:03:51.257
and to getting out of relationships[br]that are unhealthy.

0:03:51.257,0:03:53.469
I'll tell you more[br]about the skills in a minute,

0:03:53.469,0:03:56.999
but first, let me say that we didn't just[br]make this up out of the blue.

0:03:56.999,0:03:58.748
We identified the skills

0:03:58.748,0:04:02.389
based on a thorough review[br]of theory and research.

0:04:02.389,0:04:05.868
And the skills really[br]represent the commonalities

0:04:05.868,0:04:08.839
across the major theories[br]and research findings

0:04:08.839,0:04:10.370
on healthy relationships.

0:04:11.230,0:04:13.759
And because they represent[br]the commonalities,

0:04:13.759,0:04:16.197
we think they really can help people

0:04:16.197,0:04:19.910
with all the different parts[br]of the relationship process,

0:04:19.910,0:04:24.508
and with all different people -[br]whether people in a relationship or not.

0:04:25.433,0:04:27.279
So let me tell you about the skills.

0:04:27.889,0:04:29.909
The first one is insight.

0:04:29.909,0:04:35.129
Insight is about awareness,[br]and understanding, and learning.

0:04:35.129,0:04:41.290
So with insight, you'll have a better idea[br]of who you are, what you need,

0:04:41.290,0:04:43.800
what you want,[br]why you do the things you do.

0:04:43.800,0:04:47.250
So let's say you are being[br]really snappy to your partner.

0:04:47.250,0:04:50.049
With insight, you might notice or realize

0:04:50.049,0:04:52.561
that it's not that your partner[br]is doing anything,

0:04:52.561,0:04:54.809
but actually you're really[br]stressed out at work.

0:04:54.819,0:04:57.208
What you really need[br]is to relax a little bit,

0:04:57.208,0:04:59.790
so it doesn't bleed out[br]over into your relationship.

0:05:00.720,0:05:03.879
Insight will also let you know[br]your partner better.

0:05:03.879,0:05:06.160
Let's say your partner[br]shows up late for a date.

0:05:06.160,0:05:08.710
With insight, you'll know why.

0:05:08.710,0:05:11.499
For example, maybe your partner[br]is late for everything.

0:05:11.499,0:05:13.829
It's nothing about you[br]or the relationship.

0:05:13.829,0:05:15.719
That's just who your partner is.

0:05:16.479,0:05:18.736
With insight, you'll be able to anticipate

0:05:18.736,0:05:22.288
the positive and negative[br]consequences of your behavior.

0:05:23.208,0:05:26.731
For example, you'll know[br]that if you send that nasty text,

0:05:26.731,0:05:28.520
it is not going to go well.

0:05:28.520,0:05:31.016
Maybe you'd better[br]make a phone call instead.

0:05:32.226,0:05:35.075
With insight, you will be able[br]to learn from your mistakes

0:05:35.075,0:05:38.781
in ways that allow you to behave[br]differently in the future.

0:05:38.781,0:05:41.431
So maybe you'll recognize[br]that you're the kind of person

0:05:41.431,0:05:43.461
who tends to jump in really quickly -

0:05:43.461,0:05:46.040
you get wrapped up[br]in the romance of things -

0:05:46.040,0:05:48.331
and then things don't go well.

0:05:48.331,0:05:49.689
So you might be able to say,

0:05:49.689,0:05:51.310
"Well, you know what the next time

0:05:51.310,0:05:54.033
I'm just going to take things[br]a little more slowly

0:05:54.033,0:05:56.371
and not repeat the same mistake.

0:05:57.460,0:05:59.930
And with insight,[br]you'll have a better understanding

0:05:59.930,0:06:03.560
about what's really right[br]for you in a relationship.

0:06:03.560,0:06:05.070
Maybe you're the kind of person

0:06:05.070,0:06:07.222
who really needs[br]a monogamous relationship.

0:06:07.222,0:06:10.951
You are not OK with your partner[br]seeing other people.

0:06:10.951,0:06:13.691
Or maybe you'll realize[br]it's just the opposite,

0:06:13.691,0:06:15.482
that you're not ready to settle down,

0:06:15.482,0:06:18.101
and you need a partner[br]who is OK with that.

0:06:18.101,0:06:19.553
So that's insight.

0:06:20.413,0:06:22.611
The second skill is mutuality.

0:06:22.611,0:06:26.421
Mutuality is about knowing[br]that both people have needs,

0:06:26.421,0:06:29.502
and that both sets of needs matter.

0:06:29.502,0:06:30.621
With mutuality

0:06:30.621,0:06:35.312
you'll be able to convey your own needs[br]in a clear direct fashion

0:06:35.312,0:06:38.322
that increases the likelihood[br]that you'll get them met.

0:06:38.322,0:06:41.134
Let's say you have to go[br]to a really stressful family event,

0:06:41.134,0:06:43.427
and you'd like your partner[br]to be there with you.

0:06:43.427,0:06:45.053
You might say directly:

0:06:45.053,0:06:47.265
"You know this is going[br]to be stressful for me.

0:06:47.265,0:06:49.045
I'd really love for you to be there;

0:06:49.045,0:06:51.030
you'll be a really good buffer for me.

0:06:51.030,0:06:54.256
Is there any way you can[br]clear your schedule to come with me?"

0:06:55.222,0:06:57.214
With mutuality,

0:06:57.214,0:07:01.035
you'll be willing to meet[br]your partner's needs as well.

0:07:01.384,0:07:04.576
Let's say you know that your partner[br]really likes to go to the gym

0:07:04.576,0:07:05.927
first thing in the morning,

0:07:05.927,0:07:08.522
it makes your partner[br]feel better the rest of the day.

0:07:08.522,0:07:12.912
Mutuality will let you be willing[br]to support your partner in this,

0:07:12.912,0:07:16.861
even though you'd really rather have[br]your partner stay home, in bed with you.

0:07:17.961,0:07:22.295
And mutuality also lets you[br]factor both people's needs

0:07:22.295,0:07:25.704
into decisions that you make[br]about your relationship.

0:07:25.704,0:07:28.858
So let's say you get a great job offer[br]that you'd like to take,

0:07:28.858,0:07:31.317
but you know it means[br]you will to have to work more,

0:07:31.317,0:07:33.106
and you know how important it is

0:07:33.106,0:07:36.055
for both you and your partner[br]to spend time together.

0:07:36.055,0:07:38.856
With a mutual approach, you might say,

0:07:38.856,0:07:40.906
"You know, I'd really like[br]to take this job,

0:07:40.906,0:07:42.415
it's really important to me,

0:07:42.415,0:07:45.716
but I also am concerned[br]about us spending time together.

0:07:45.716,0:07:48.657
If I promise to protect some time for us,

0:07:48.657,0:07:51.726
will you be OK with me taking this job?"

0:07:51.726,0:07:54.477
That's a mutual approach to relationships.

0:07:55.459,0:07:57.726
The third skill is emotion regulation.

0:07:57.726,0:08:01.171
And emotion regulation[br]is about regulating your feelings

0:08:01.171,0:08:04.646
in response to things[br]that happen in your relationship.

0:08:05.366,0:08:09.747
With emotion regulation,[br]you'll be able to ...

0:08:10.627,0:08:12.359
keep your emotions calm

0:08:12.359,0:08:15.719
and keep things that happen[br]in your relationship in perspective.

0:08:16.659,0:08:19.478
So, you might think: "Oh, my goodness.

0:08:19.478,0:08:21.857
This is a disaster![br]This is the worst thing ever!

0:08:21.857,0:08:23.553
How am I going to handle this?"

0:08:24.253,0:08:26.278
With emotion regulation, you'll think:

0:08:26.278,0:08:28.569
"You know what, I can handle this.

0:08:28.569,0:08:30.006
This is going to be all right.

0:08:30.006,0:08:32.953
There is a way to deal with this.[br]I'm going to figure this out.

0:08:32.953,0:08:34.597
Everything is going to be OK."

0:08:35.297,0:08:36.938
With emotion regulation,

0:08:36.938,0:08:40.304
you'll be able to tolerate[br]uncomfortable feelings

0:08:40.304,0:08:42.593
and not act out on them impulsively,

0:08:42.593,0:08:46.131
so you'll to be able to think through[br]your decisions more clearly.

0:08:46.131,0:08:49.007
So let's say your waiting[br]for your partner to text you back.

0:08:49.007,0:08:51.550
That text isn't coming;[br]you're getting really anxious;

0:08:51.550,0:08:53.761
you're checking your phone[br]every two seconds.

0:08:53.761,0:08:56.552
With emotion regulation,[br]you'll be able to tell yourself,

0:08:56.552,0:08:58.252
"You know what? Calm down.

0:08:58.252,0:08:59.648
The text is going to come.

0:08:59.648,0:09:02.199
I don't need to check[br]my phone every second;

0:09:02.199,0:09:06.147
I'm just going to put it away[br]and focus on the task at hand."

0:09:07.047,0:09:08.846
And with emotion regulation,

0:09:08.846,0:09:11.901
you'll be able to maintain[br]a sense of self-respect

0:09:11.901,0:09:13.470
and commitment to your needs,

0:09:13.470,0:09:16.237
even when bad things happen[br]in your relationship.

0:09:16.707,0:09:18.372
So let's say you have a breakup.

0:09:18.372,0:09:22.574
You're feeling really depressed;[br]you're really missing your partner.

0:09:22.574,0:09:23.727
With emotion regulation,

0:09:23.727,0:09:26.606
you'll be able to let[br]yourself know that it is OK;

0:09:26.606,0:09:28.800
that, yeah, you're going[br]to feel depressed,

0:09:28.800,0:09:31.272
but you're going to get over it[br]and get through this.

0:09:31.272,0:09:33.663
If you beg and plead to get back together,

0:09:33.663,0:09:35.757
you're not going to feel good[br]about yourself,

0:09:35.757,0:09:37.956
and you don't even want to be[br]in a relationship

0:09:37.956,0:09:39.452
that wasn't good for you.

0:09:40.422,0:09:44.302
So insight, mutuality,[br]and emotion regulation.

0:09:44.302,0:09:49.690
I believe it's people's ability[br]to use the skills on a day-to-day basis

0:09:49.690,0:09:52.721
that lets them have healthy relationships.

0:09:52.721,0:09:55.751
So let me give you an example[br]of how this works.

0:09:55.751,0:09:58.380
The other day I was talking[br]to someone, and she said

0:09:58.380,0:10:01.620
that when her partner asked her[br]what she wanted for her birthday,

0:10:01.620,0:10:03.828
she told him she didn't want anything.

0:10:03.828,0:10:05.839
So guess what? She didn't get anything.

0:10:05.839,0:10:08.520
And she got really angry,[br]and they had a big fight.

0:10:09.000,0:10:10.040
Why?

0:10:10.040,0:10:13.440
Because she really did want a present,[br]she just didn't want to tell him;

0:10:13.440,0:10:15.669
she just wanted him to somehow know.

0:10:15.669,0:10:16.980
It is called mind reading.

0:10:16.980,0:10:19.939
It is a terrible idea; it never works.

0:10:19.939,0:10:22.505
Had she been using the skills,

0:10:22.505,0:10:26.235
insight would have let her[br]know herself well enough to realize

0:10:26.235,0:10:28.070
that she really did want something,

0:10:28.070,0:10:30.756
and if she didn't get it,[br]she was going to be mad.

0:10:30.756,0:10:34.920
Insight also would have let her know[br]that her partner was the kind of guy

0:10:34.920,0:10:37.541
who was just going[br]to take what she said literally.

0:10:38.591,0:10:43.584
Mutuality would have let her[br]really ask for what she wanted,

0:10:43.584,0:10:45.647
directly and clearly.

0:10:46.050,0:10:50.826
And emotion regulation would have let her[br]deal with any feelings she was having

0:10:50.826,0:10:53.164
that were getting[br]in the way of doing that.

0:10:53.164,0:10:55.117
So maybe she was feeling kind of anxious:

0:10:55.117,0:10:58.023
What would he think[br]if I asked for what I needed?

0:10:58.023,0:11:00.045
Or maybe she was feeling guilty, you know.

0:11:00.045,0:11:02.016
She knows they are saving for a big trip,

0:11:02.016,0:11:06.244
and she maybe thought that he would think[br]that she was kind of greedy or something.

0:11:07.668,0:11:10.927
So if she had used the skills,[br]she would have been able to say,

0:11:10.927,0:11:11.927
"You know what?

0:11:11.927,0:11:13.734
I know we are saving for that trip,

0:11:13.734,0:11:16.456
but I really like that necklace[br]that we saw the other day,

0:11:16.456,0:11:18.099
and it wasn't that expensive."

0:11:18.099,0:11:20.048
He would have gotten it for her.

0:11:20.048,0:11:22.558
She would have felt respected and valued.

0:11:22.558,0:11:24.316
He would have been happy.

0:11:24.316,0:11:26.457
They would have felt more intimate.

0:11:26.457,0:11:29.707
This whole birthday gift thing[br]would have gone well,

0:11:29.707,0:11:31.472
instead of ending in a fight

0:11:31.472,0:11:33.557
that could really[br]damage their relationship.

0:11:34.942,0:11:37.266
Now, this was just an anecdote.

0:11:37.266,0:11:39.834
We have data to support this as well.

0:11:40.770,0:11:43.062
I've been studying romantic competence,

0:11:43.062,0:11:47.118
the ability for people to use insight,[br]mutuality, and emotion regulation,

0:11:47.779,0:11:49.457
among young people.

0:11:49.457,0:11:50.555
In one of our studies,

0:11:50.555,0:11:54.486
we looked at 13- and 14-year-old girls,[br]early adolescent girls,

0:11:54.486,0:11:59.279
and we found that girls[br]who were more romantically competent

0:11:59.609,0:12:01.785
felt more secure in their relationships.

0:12:01.785,0:12:03.846
They felt comfortable[br]being close to people,

0:12:03.846,0:12:07.845
they could trust people,[br]they weren't worried about being rejected.

0:12:08.695,0:12:12.384
Girls who are more romantically competent[br]reported fewer depressive symptoms,

0:12:12.384,0:12:14.220
they had better mental health.

0:12:15.000,0:12:17.329
They also were more positive[br]

0:12:17.329,0:12:19.875
about their expectations[br]about marriage in the future;

0:12:19.875,0:12:22.778
they were more optimistic[br]that it could go well.

0:12:23.348,0:12:25.665
Girls with greater romantic competence

0:12:25.665,0:12:30.645
were engaging in more typical[br]romantic activities for their age,

0:12:30.645,0:12:34.854
things that were normative,[br]like dating and flirting

0:12:34.854,0:12:38.298
and affectionate behaviors[br]like hugging and kissing.

0:12:38.928,0:12:41.850
And girls who were more[br]romantically competent

0:12:41.850,0:12:44.152
were engaging in fewer ...

0:12:45.312,0:12:48.602
atypical, sexual activities,[br]like sexual intercourse,

0:12:48.602,0:12:52.703
which can be considered pretty risky[br]for a 13- and 14-year-old girl.

0:12:53.136,0:12:56.904
So, even at an early age,[br]13 and 14 years old,

0:12:56.904,0:13:00.239
when these girls mostly[br]were not even in relationships,

0:13:00.239,0:13:02.920
the more romantically competent they were,

0:13:03.630,0:13:06.584
the more adaptive relational[br]functioning they were showing,

0:13:06.584,0:13:09.013
and the better mental health[br]they were showing.

0:13:09.513,0:13:15.353
We see the same things[br]among young adults, 18 to 25 years old:

0:13:15.353,0:13:20.504
More romantically competent men and women[br]feel more secure in relationships.

0:13:21.384,0:13:23.697
They also report making better decisions,

0:13:23.697,0:13:26.559
they can see the warning signs[br]when things aren't going well

0:13:26.559,0:13:29.281
and make conscious decisions[br]with confidence.

0:13:30.205,0:13:34.894
They're also better at seeking[br]and providing support to their partners.

0:13:34.894,0:13:37.813
So, they are more willing[br]to ask for what they need

0:13:37.813,0:13:40.008
and use what their partners give them.

0:13:40.008,0:13:43.731
And they are better at providing[br]helpful support when needed.

0:13:43.731,0:13:45.699
And this isn't just what they told us,

0:13:45.699,0:13:48.455
we actually observed them[br]doing this in our laboratory,

0:13:48.455,0:13:53.116
where we asked them to talk[br]with one another about a personal problem.

0:13:55.213,0:13:57.874
Young people who were[br]more romantically competent

0:13:57.874,0:14:00.616
also were more satisfied[br]in their relationships,

0:14:00.616,0:14:02.279
they were happier.

0:14:02.279,0:14:05.210
And again, they reported[br]fewer depressive symptoms

0:14:05.210,0:14:08.188
and also fewer anxiety symptoms.

0:14:08.188,0:14:09.546
So overall,

0:14:10.621,0:14:13.436
being romantically competent[br]at a young age

0:14:13.436,0:14:18.296
is associated with greater,[br]more adaptive relationship functioning

0:14:18.296,0:14:20.486
and greater individual well being.

0:14:21.191,0:14:23.258
And this brings me back to my point

0:14:23.258,0:14:27.765
that we need to be teaching people[br]how to have healthy relationships.

0:14:28.929,0:14:30.866
So, like I said earlier on,

0:14:31.276,0:14:34.046
we may know what a healthy[br]relationship looks like,

0:14:34.046,0:14:36.590
but most people have no idea[br]how to get one,

0:14:36.590,0:14:39.500
and no one teaches us how to do so.

0:14:39.500,0:14:41.328
And this is a problem.

0:14:41.328,0:14:47.081
We need to help people genuinely know[br]what they want and need in a relationship.

0:14:47.461,0:14:49.950
We need to help them[br]select the right partner.

0:14:50.475,0:14:52.877
We need to help them make good decisions

0:14:52.877,0:14:56.061
and deal with the challenges[br]that relationships bring.

0:14:56.711,0:15:00.329
And we need to help them[br]build and use skills

0:15:00.329,0:15:02.389
right from the beginning.

0:15:02.389,0:15:05.787
This is what the notion[br]of romantic competence is all about.

0:15:06.528,0:15:11.343
It's all about using insight, mutuality,[br]and emotion regulation

0:15:11.343,0:15:15.486
to reduce the behaviors[br]that lead to unhealthy relationships,

0:15:15.486,0:15:18.174
like fighting, and poor support,

0:15:18.174,0:15:21.514
and hostility, and criticism,[br]and contempt, and violence.

0:15:21.984,0:15:25.698
And create the things[br]that lead to healthy relationships,

0:15:25.698,0:15:30.111
like intimacy, security, respect,[br]good communication,

0:15:30.111,0:15:32.568
and a sense of being valued.

0:15:33.028,0:15:36.088
And wouldn't all of our relationships[br]benefit from this?

0:15:36.088,0:15:37.921
I think they would.

0:15:37.921,0:15:39.025
Thank you.

0:15:39.025,0:15:41.515
(Applause)