Let's go to the other side?
This is the deal: we're looking for a fisherman to tell us a joke.
- Man, that's a challenge. - Will anybody here tell us a joke?
- No. - We're shooting a documentary.
- We're bad at telling jokes around here. - Any good jokesters around here?
- You'll find good jokesters down that way. - Where?
Down that way. There are plenty of fishermen there.
Do any of you know how to tell a joke?
- I don't. - It depends on the intensity of the joke.
- What do I get if I tell a joke? - I'm starting to think that you tell jokes.
We are shooting a documentary about fishermen telling jokes.
- What? - No one knows anything around here.
- Just a quick little joke! - I can't.
- Not even a short one? - Not even a very short one.
- Do you know how to tell jokes? - No.
- Not for now. - Not now?
- Not even a short one? - No.
Try that camp because there's a crowd over there.
Hi, do you guys know how to tell jokes at all?
Sometimes, but I can't think of any right now.
But don't you want to tell us one? We're making a documentary
about jokesters and I'm trying to find a fisherman who's good at telling jokes.
- Can we go there and you'll tell us one? - A joke is to say that there's no fish around here.
- No jokesters over there? - No, maybe you'll find one over there.
- No jokes? - None.
JOKESTERS
The sunset over the cows...
Hi buddy, how are you? Is there anybody in this market
who is famous for being the funny guy? Someone who is known as the jokester?
Actually there are several but most of them are busy today.
- Sunday is a busy day. - Name one and I'll get him off duty.
If you pass that butcher's shop, you'll find a fat guy there called Tidão.
He's 'the man in this market. He is funny by nature, just like Mussum.
He doesn't even have to tell a joke to get everyone to laugh.
- What's his name? - Tidão, you can look for Tidão.
- Okay, I'll go there. Thank you. - No problem.
- Do you know where Tidão is? - Over here.
Here's the thing, we are making a documentary about jokesters.
There was a guy from Cuiabá and a guy from Bahia fishing.
They had no luck catching any fish and the guy from Cuiabá
was annoyed with a fly buzzing around. He caught the fly and stood still.
Then he said: "Hey fly, if you had a bigger butt I'd fuck you up the ass."
So the guy from Bahia stood up, bent over and said: "Buzzzz."
That's a good one. A Poconian left Mato Grosso and went to São Paulo.
- Who? - A Poconian.
- What's a Poconian? - Someone from the city of Poconé.
When he arrives in São Paulo, he waits for a subway at the railway track.
People start yelling: "Get out of there! Step away from the track!"
They tackled him but the train wrecked his bike, running over everything.
So he came back and when he arrived at his hometown in Poconé
it was Christmas so his boss's store was decorated with a train.
So he ran inside, got a gun and offed the Christmas decoration.
His boss said: "Are you nuts? Why would you do something like that?"
He said: "Don't be naive, boss! We have to kill it while it's small. Once its grown-up..."
A guy approached a priest and asked: "How does the church tithe system work?"
The priest said: "It's 50% for the diocese and 50% for me."
Then he approached a rabbi and said: "How does your tithe system work?"
The rabbi answered: "It's 70% for the diocese, 30% for me."
Then he went to the minister and said: "How does your tithe system work?"
"We throw the cash up in the air. If Jesus catches it, it's his; if he drops it, it's mine."
Are you a truck driver? Do you drive across Brazil or just here?
- Here, Goiás, Minas Gerais, Rondônia. - What kind of cargo do you take?
- Anything you've got. - Anything.
- Don't you know any truck driver jokes? - No man, we work hard.
We don't have time for that, all we do is work. There's no time for jokes.
A Brazilian and an Argentine were walking side by side but they don't get along.
They found a magic lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out.
The genie grants each one of them a wish, but the Argentine thinks it isn't fair.
So he says: "Genie, I want you to build a wall around my entire country...
"... because I don't Brazilian intruders in my country."
The genie snaps his fingers, creates a 20ft wall and then asks the Brazilian's wish.
The Brazilian says: "Please fill up this entire thing with water."
- He just laughs... - Come over here and tell us one.
- Grab a chair. - Come here to tell us a joke.
We're gonna tell a joke here.
The gaucho was on vacation so he went to Pantanal to see what it was like.
He got there, met the housekeeper and the keeper said:
"I'm gonna show you something." At the dam a local is holding a stick.
- He whistled and an alligator appeared. - Where's the whistle? Do the whistle.
I don't know how to whistle!
He would whistle... How does one whistle?
- Do it again? - Now I ran out.
So the alligator came and the local hit the alligator's head with the stick.
He yelled: "Easy!" and then clocked the alligator's head.
When the alligator came close, he whipped out his dick.
"Easy!" So the alligator was very tame.
When the alligator squeezed, he'd hit its head.
So the local guy said to the Gaúcho: "Do you want to try?"
"I do, but I don't know if I can take all those blows to my head."
That's a true story.
A guy bought a 4x4 truck and drove home with his brand new truck.
He parked the truck and then took a shower to go out on a date.
Meanwhile, a drunk saw the "4x4" and got a nail to scratch the car with "=16."
The drunk scratched both sides. When the owner saw it, he took the car to the shop.
Three days later the truck was parked in the same place and the drunk wrote: "4x4=16."
By the third time, the owner decided to change the truck and put a sticker on it that read:
"4x4=16" and he thought to himself: "What will the drunk do now?"
The drunk saw the sticker, so he picked up the nail and scratched a check mark on the car.
That's a good one! It was wrong before? Now it's right, so let's just scratch the whole thing.
- With a white-out, like from school. - Seriously, you're better than that.
That's not cool. You weren't doing anything, I invited you over and now you're making fun of me?
People from the South don't like people from Mato Grosso because of their color.
So a driver from Cuiabá went to the South. He switches gear over and over until he gets there.
I can't remember the town's name, but once he gets there, he says:
"I need a toilet." In Mato Grosso, we say toilet.
So he goes to the store and says: "I need a toilet."
- "Where are you from?" - "I'm a Cuiabano, from Cuiabá."
The guy answers: "In the South it's not a toilet, it's called a Cuiabano."
- "That's messed up, don't you think?" - "What size do you want?"
"Give me one that'll fit 4 or 5 guys from the South."
A guy from Cuiabá wanted to go to Rio de Janeiro, he was obsessed with Rio.
So he bought a brand new car. He went to Cuiabá to buy it and returned to Poconé.
He got there all excited and said: "I'm gonna go to Rio, I'm gonna see Rio."
His friends said: "What, man? Don't got there. People from Rio are gonna eat you alive."
The guy from Cuiabá answered: "Cuiabanos are tough. I'm going, you'll see."
In 15 days he got in the car and went.
He drives and drives and drives. He kept saying: "I'm a tough guy from Poconé!"
When he got to Rio, he had to take a shit. He looked around and there was no paper.
He got out of the car and took a shit, but there was no paper so he wiped himself with a nettle leaf.
He'd never seen nettle before, so he wiped himself and started to feel an itch in the car.
When he was 300km away from Rio the itch was really bad, so he thought: "What now?!"
"You know what? I'm turning back. If I'm already itching now, by the time I get there..."
He turns the car around and comes back, but at least he didn't get eaten alive.
- Very tough. - Manly!
My asshole and his asshole were talking. My asshole said to his: "Hi, are you a virgin?"
His asshole replied: "Of course not!"
You're a truck driver so you must have truck driver jokes.
- No, I don't have any. - Sure you do.
- We work too hard. - You have at least one.
- No, I don't. - You must have one trucker joke.
- I can't remember any. - You know you do. Everyone's watching.
Truck driver, truck driver... nope! You think I'm crazy to talk trash about myself?
It's not trash talk. It's making fun of other truck drivers, not you.
Fine, there was this guy driving a 16x20 truck loaded with vegetables.
After the tax station stamps his receipt, Highway Patrol stops him and asks for it.
The price on the document is correct, so they ask him to weigh the banana load.
It's 1,000 pounds over the limit, so the officer says "You're arrested, but I'll let you off the hook."
"But first, you'll have to shove all those bananas you know where."
The truck driver started to laugh, shoving the bananas and laughing hysterically.
The officer said: "Are you crazy, man? Shoving bananas and laughing about it?"
- "It's funny!" - "Why?"
"My friend is coming with 3,000 pounds, except his load is full of pineapples!"
Anybody there?
All the windows are closed.
Mr. João?
Anybody there?
Can I come a little closer?
Does that dog bite?
Let me ask you something.
- We're looking for Mr. João Borba. - João Borba lives over there.
I know, but do you know where he is? I went there, we knocked and called him.
- They're in Cuiabá. - Oh no, seriously?
- Do you know when they return? Did they say? - His brother is taking care of the kids.
I think they come back tomorrow, or tonight.
We're shooting a documentary about jokesters.
- Look, we're Evangelical Christians. - So he won't tell stories?
He tells stories, but he's also Evangelical.
- And Evangelicals can't tell jokes? - No, it doesn't please God.
- It doesn't please God. - But doesn't it depend on the joke?
No, it doesn't please God. For us to go to heaven, we have to be clean and pure.
I know, but jokes don't have to be necessarily dirty, right?
He does tell jokes, except that when he tells them to us, he tells them differently.
- Like the PG version, huh? - Yeah, the lighter version.
24 hours later
Good afternoon!
- How are you? - Good.
- Is João Terêncio around by any chance? - He isn't.
- I can't believe it, he isn't? - No.
- Will he come back? - The kid who works for him says he'll return tonight.
Are you sure? Everyone said he was supposed to come yesterday.
- So we went all the way to Lucas and came back... - The kid said he'll come back tonight.
- What time today? - He said he'll arrive late.
- But he'll come back for sure, right? - Maybe late at night.
- What time is the bus? Is he riding the bus? - I don't know how he's getting here.
It seems like we didn't make it. We won't meet Mr. João Terêncio this time around.
- Notorious João Terêncio. - Yeah.
Mr. João Terêncio won't be a jokester in our movie. At least not in Jokesters Part I.
You know what fieldworkers are like to start up tabs...
Vicent gets to a bar and a woman says: "Don't bother, you can't buy booze on credit."
He said: "I don't want booze. I quit drinking."
There was a glass case with coconut candy inside.
So he said: "Give me a coconut candy."
The woman handed him the candy, so he looked at it and said: "How much does it cost?"
The woman said: "It's 50 cents." He replied: "What about the cachaça?"
The woman said: "It's also 50 cents." He said: "Take the candy and give me the booze."
He drank it and left, so the woman said: "Funny guy! You gonna pay for the booze or what?"
He replied: "What do you mean? Didn't I exchange it for my coconut candy?
She said: "So pay for the coconut candy!" He answered: "Did I eat coconut candy?"
- Good morning! Where is Alto do Jucá? - Alto do Jucá?
- Up that street. - Up that way? How far, more or less?
- From here it's about... - 200km.
- No, it's more than that... - More...
Yeah, but it's not much more. Just go up that way on the first sign.
- Do you know Rogério? - Rogério? Who is Rogério?
- The clown. - Yes! He's a customer at the store.
- Really? He lives over there? - I'm not sure of the exact location.
- He's funny, right? - Yeah, he's very funny.
That's the guard I think. He looks like a watchman.
Can I get some information, please?
- Good morning! - Good morning.
- Where is Alto do Jucá? - Oh, you can go that way...
- Take a right after the first speed bump. - First speed bump, to the right.
You drive past the first, second and third road and then his dad's house is right upfront.
- Good morning! - Good morning!
- Do you know the Cherry Clown? - That's me.
What's up? Was it is hard or easy to find me?
It was hard and easy. How are you?
- Let's get out of the car. - Let's go.
It's a movie about jokesters who are not very famous.
We are basically looking for these people, which is why we called you last minute.
Somebody mentioned you, we called, we're here and the rest is history.
We wanted to learn a little bit about you. How and why did you start telling jokes?
Where did this urge to tell jokes come from?
Jokes... I was funny ever since I was a kid. I never liked taking anything too seriously.
My thing was to mess around. I liked pranks.
So I started working on a project, doing theater pieces and working as a clown.
After a while I realized that clown's couldn't be comedians - either you're a comedian or a clown.
Everyone in my family works. I didn't like it, so I started telling jokes.
I never liked it. Sometimes I'll be at home and my mom will say:
"Son, get out and find something to do." I say: "No, I'm too afraid I'll find it."
So I don't go. I say it's better to stay put at home, am I right?
But it's true, I like joking around. It's my life.
I'm very outgoing, I like to play around.
When I try to be serious, people start laughing.
They'll say: "You're kidding right? You're not serious."
As you can see, the married man is fatter than the single man.
I drew a conclusion from this. It's a story I made up and it's true.
Why? The single guy comes home and what does he do?
He goes straight to the fridge, opens it and says: "Man, not this again! Not soda and crackers!"
"I'm going to bed instead." He gets under the sheets and goes to bed.
The married guy goes straight to bed and says: "Not this again! I'm going to the fridge!"
He eats everything he wants and gets fat. That's why married guys are fatter than single guys.
A guy walks into a bar and says: "Get me a liter of cachaça and a roast chicken."
The waiter brings it to him. He pours him a liter and serves the chicken.
He looks to both sides and says: "I'm going to examine this chicken!"
He stuck his finger inside the chicken's you know what, smelled it and said: "I don't want it!"
"This chicken came from Fortaleza. I don't like chicken from Fortaleza!"
The waiter said: "What the hell! This guy is doing a prostate exam!"
"Stuck his finger and figured out where it came from! That chicken really is from Fortaleza."
The client says: "I don't want it, take it away." So the waiter brought another chicken.
When the other chicken got there, he looked to both sides and stuck his finger in the chicken again.
He sniffed and said: "I don't want this one either. It's from here, it's from Ceará."
So the local bar owner said: "Bring him a gross one from Old Lady Toinha. He won't guess that!"
When the chicken got to the table, he looked to both sides and stuck his finger in it.
He sniffed it and said: "My good friend Toinha! This one came from there, right?"
The owner said: "You're really good. This chicken did come from Old Lady Toinha.
You stick your finger like a prostate exam, sniff it and find out where it's from."
So the town drunk stood up: "No offense, but could you stick it up mine? I've been lost for 3 days."
Do you know anyone who is good at telling jokes by any chance?
His dad owns that ceramic shop over there - Arara Cermamics.
- Go ahead, he's there. - Where is it?
- Arara Ceramics. - Oh, it's inside the ceramics shop.
Yeah. Go ahead, you'll find him there.
Does Giovanni work here? We're shooting a movie about jokesters.
Funny people and stuff like that. I heard he's a good story and joke teller, right?
- Yeah, he's even published a book this year. - Can I see?
There's some people here from São Paulo. I'm going to put you through.
- That's him. - Giovanni?
Hello? Giovanni? Hi, I'm Gustavo from São Paulo.
We're shooting a documentary about jokesters.
We're on a quest across Brazil and you came in highly recommended
as a potential jokester. We're thinking about dropping by to have a word, can we?
Arara Ceramics, got it. I'll get directions, but it should take me half an hour.
Hi, good morning! I'm here to see Giovanni.
- Giovanni! - Gustavo?
- That's me! - Dude, you're in the jungle!
- How are you doing? - All's good.
- This is Chico. - Chico! How are you doing, bro?
- I'm good. - Our photographer and that's André.
- André, what's up? - We found out that you wrote a book, right?
- Seven books! - So not just one, seven.
- And I thought it was just one... - No, several.
- Man, can you give me a minute? - I'll give you two. In fact, I'll give you seven!
- Wait for me, make yourself at home. - Okay.
So tell me, what's your relationship with jokes and comedy?
In fact, we're throwing the tenth FHC event here in Iguatu in August.
We created it and we pay tribute to ACM. FHC is the Ceará Comedy Festival.
And ACM is a friend of ours called Airton Cachorra Magra.
He was honored. It all starts with a prank.
The current mayor of Iguatu is a friend of mine, Aderilo Alcântara.
You can go to São Paulo, New York, Paris, anywhere...
No mayor goes to more funerals.
- Over 2 thousand funerals, he's a well-known guy. - Let me understand...
- He likes to go to funerals to... - Market himself. It's marketing.
If he's not at the square with the Cathedral when there's a funeral it's because he's out of town.
One of these days he went to one where an outcast criminal died.
So the mayor looked at him at the funeral and said: "A good citizen, a role model family man.
A great head of the family." And the widow said to her son:
"Go check if it's really your father inside that coffin."
The guy was the biggest scumbag.
Then there's this other guy called João Lázaro. He's the town Councillor.
The fact is that João Lázaro made some extra cash and went to Juazeiro get prescription glasses.
Those prescription glasses that you can get for 2 or 3 bucks.
And he was giving prescription glasses to everyone in Iguatu, until an old lady heard about it.
The poor lady went up to him and said: "Mr. Lázaro, please give me good glasses,
because I can't read the letters that my children have been sending me.
Give me glasses and get 8 votes from my house." That's how things work here.
So he reached into the bottom of the bag, handed a pair of coke-bottle glasses to her.
The old lady put them in her purse and walked to the market.
When she got to the market, she put the glasses on and asked a vendor:
"Sir, how much does a kilo of those beans cost?"
He answered: "I wouldn't know, I'm selling sesame seeds."
There's another government-related incident,
where a man got in an accident and lost a leg. And Cidal wanted a doctor's statement every year.
He would always bring one saying: "Mr. Antônio Queiroz de Oliveira,
hereby declares that he has lost his leg and therefore cannot work, etc."
One fine year, he got fed up and wrote:
"I hereby declare that Antônio Queiroz de Oliveira lost his leg and it will never grow back."
And that was that. They stopped asking for it. Crazy, right?
You honk, you call You wink, you win me over
Love mototaxi You honk, call, wink, win me over
Love mototaxi Parked at the square with the powerful bike
Toothpick Fatal smile
Midday sun Scorching heat
Calling the clients over With a sexy voice
It's all swag it's all swag...
The love mototaxi is a real thing. The driver is a real womanizer, you know?
He has several client's in his cell phone, so we wrote the song based on this story.
- So it's a real-life character? - Real-life, the Love Mototaxi.
So people just call him for a ride or do they call him to get the full service?
Sometimes it's both. He'll take them home and give the full service.
There's a joke in which a guy says: "Man, remember the guy with the dumpcart? He died."
The other guy says: "Seriously? How?" "He hit his truck and flew through the windshield."
Dude says: "So he died from the hit." The other guy: "No, he was still alive,
but he fell inside my house, came in through the window, hit the wardrobe
and it tumbled on top of him." The friend squeals: "He was crushed!"
"Not at all! He lifted the wardrobe, but leaned on a socket, 220 volts!"
The friend yells: "He was electrocuted to death!"
"No, he frantically fell down the stairs. He was still alive, but fell down the entire flight."
The friend said: "He broke his neck and died!" "Nope, he got up and leaned on a panhandle,
- which tipped over with boiling oil." - "Now he died!"
- "He still managed to get stuck under the fridge." - "How did he die?!"
- "I shot him in the face." - "You killed the guy?"
"The guy was wrecking my entire house! He was destroying everything!"
You're the one who's going to take me.
Check, check. Is it working?
- Let's go. - Let's! Where are we going?
- I don't know, you're the local. - Yeah, but I'm not from here man.
I live here but I'm not from here.
Man, I've always written comedies, since I was a kid. I would write constantly.
Except I've always been the shyest person in the world.
I never pictured myself on a stage. I thought one day I'd have the courage to do it,
but it's like those people who say they want to skydive someday, you know?
My version of skydiving was to go up on stage.
I'm a nerd, when it comes to relationships my reference is Mario and Princess Peach.
I have a theory that Mario was somewhat inspired by the porn industry.
Only in the porn industry it's possible to accept the premise that a princess would fuck a plumber.
Greek mythology is among my favorite topics.
I think Greek gods are so badass. Like the God of Fire, the Sun God, the Water God...
And our God is just God. Like God, period.
I get the feeling that our God went to college and had no interest in getting a graduate degree.
He held back, you know? Kind of lazy or maybe he was low on cash...
To this day they sell stand-up show tickets featuring characters here in Porto Alegre.
I think that's why people get confused, especially here in Porto Alegre,
about what is stand-up and what isn't.
There's a famous show here, I think it's called "Ladies First" and it's the most famous one.
They sold themselves as stand-up comedy, except they used characters.
So it's not stand-up. In my view, it's not stand-up comedy.
What's the difference between stand-up and characters?
In stand-up, I'm free from characters. I'm unarmed, you know?
If I'm not funny, it's because I really wasn't funny.
I'll be down all week because I wasn't funny.
If the character isn't funny, it's the actual persona that isn't funny.
Like, change your character, you know?
It must be kind of a drag to be friends with God. Like being God's best friend.
Because God is God, right? If you go up to tell him something, he'll go:
"I know, dude. I'm God."
The good thing about stand-up is that we can work with whatever is currently going on.
We're always active, we're always writing.
Our text has an expiry date. This week's show might not work next month.
I hate rehearsing, I prefer to wing it. See what happens, you know?
I don't show anybody what I'm going to do beforehand.
- You write it... - I jot it down and keep it to myself.
- Do you laugh on your own? - Yeah.
So other than working with comedy, I also study Journalism.
I'm going to major in Journalism soon, so I'll be a Comedian and a Journalist.
In other words, I'm trying very hard to remain unemployed.
The ideal person to be in Brazilian journalism is William Bonner.
Everybody thinks they'll be just like William Bonner.
But William Bonner is an exception, man, because William Bonner is a badass.
He's extremely competent. If you stop to think about it...
the Globo network made him the National News achor.
And nowadays, he's like Chief Editor of the thing. Like, Globo got him a woman co-anchor.
He married her.
She wanted to get pregnant and he gave her triplets.
In just one fuck.
Hello, Jean? So, let me explain.
I'm working on a documentary about people who tell jokes
and we're going to swing by Araranguá soon.
I wanted to know if you'd like to tell us some of your jokes?
Sure you are, my mother recommended you! Are you sure?
You sure you don't want to?
No, that's fine.
No, it's okay. Alright.
Thanks, take care. Bye.
Didn't want to.
He didn't want to.
1 minute later
Hello, Jean?
But Jean, it's a very simple ordeal. We'll just get there and talk.
You have no obligation with the movie or anything like that.
We're filming a bunch of people and I thought of you because Araranguá is on our way.
Okay, thanks Jean! Great, bye.
Jeane called and said: "No, I talked to him and he's gonna do it. He'll tell you himself."
She put him on the phone and he said: "Now she wants me to do it at any cost!
"I guess I'll do it then. I have to." So now we're heading there.
How did this tradition of telling jokes come about?
No, I'm not really a jokester.
I'm the guy in a crowd that everyone thinks is witty, I reason quickly.
I'm the guy that always has a joke at the tip of the tongue for anything that anybody might say.
Somebody will say something stupid and then you say something even more stupid.
- That's pretty much how it works. - So when we called you didn't understand anything.
No, I thought: "That's not really my thing. How am I going to talk about this stuff?"
It's really hard, but then the wife, who tells us what to do 107% of the time,
picked up the phone... She's laughing, but she knows it's true.
She said: "Call back and tell Francisco you'll do it."
Since we have to obey due to hierarchy...
There's a joke that goes like this: A guy goes to heaven and sees two doors.
Actually, there were two lines towards a couple of doors that said the following:
'Men Who Are Bossed Around by Women' and 'Men Who Boss Women Around'.
The 'Men Who Are Bossed Around by Women' door was completely full.
And there was just one guy in the line for the 'Men Who Boss Women Around'.
Then one guy at the back said: "There's just one guy there, I wonder how he did it."
So he approached the guy and said: "Buddy, how did you boss your woman around?"
The guy said: "I have no idea what I'm doing here. My wife told me stand here, so here I am."
And it's truly what happens, it's a common rule.
Do you know what's our only shot at winning an argument with the Mrs.?
Keeping quiet.
Don't say a word, that's your chance to win. If you open your mouth, you lost.
To the airport through downtown? Instead of getting the tunnel, just go straight.
Look for the Cocheira Church and ask where Márcio lives at the back of the church.
He's a lieutenant and a musician.
He carries a paper with jokes in his pocket when he goes to parties. He's my cousin.
He numbered the jokes, so you say the number and he'll tell the respective joke on the list.
- It's excellent, he has over 100 or 200 jokes. - Seriously?
Seriously! Swing by and say that his cousin, Carlinhos, recommended him.
Good morning!
We're doing a documentary called "Jokesters". It's about people who enjoy telling jokes.
- I'm a former jokester, man. - Why former?
Well, as I get older, my memory isn't as sharp.
- But you used to tell many jokes? - We used to, yes.
I used to buy pocket books at the newsstand. I had a whole stock of them.
When I saw something funny on TV I'd jot it down. Carried scrap paper around.
I wrote down anything that reminded me of the joke, so all I had to do was reach into my wallet.
- You don't have that paper anymore to show us? - No, that was a long time ago.
Manuel and Joaquim were fishing... Actually, they were hunting.
While they were hunting, a lion sneaked up behind them and they started to run.
They were running for their lives, when Joaquim climbed a tree and Manuel started to run around it.
The lion was chasing him, so Joaquim yelled: "Manuel, climb the tree! The lion's gonna get you!"
Manuel answered: "Don't worry, I'm two laps ahead of him!"
"Sir, your mother-in-law passed away. Should we bury or cremate her?"
"She's a sneaky one. Do both just in case."
That's pretty much how it goes.
A guy was fucking the lady who was cheating and her husband shows up on the driveway.
"My husband's here! Cum, cum!" So he yells to the husband: "Come on up!"
Clearly, the repertoire is quite limited, huh?
- Oh no, so I'm 15 years late? - Yeah, just 15 years late.
Manuel's mother-in-law was bothering him so much that he finally said: "Fine, let's take her."
So she was taken to visit the Holy Land in Jerusalem.
When she got to the Path of Sorrow, she got so excited that her heart gave in and she dropped dead.
Manuel said: "What now? Now we have to see what can be done."
When the guy from the funeral home arrived, Manuel asked: "Buddy, what do we do?"
The funeral home guy says: "To bury her here will cost you U$15 thousand.
But to take the body back to Brazil will cost you U$30 thousand. What now?"
Manuel said: "I'll tell you what, I'll pay the 30 grand." The other guy said: "But why?"
"Because you've had a resurrection incident here before and I don't want to take any chances."
A guy left the office after working late and headed straight to a whorehouse.
Once he got there, he chose a whore and took her to a room.
He was fucking her and when she came, she scratched his entire back.
He was married, so he said: "Fuck! How am I going to explain this at home?"
He was worried about what he was going to do when his wife saw all those scratch marks.
He got home, opened the door and saw the poor cat lying down on the couch.
So he kicked it as hard as he could, the cat went flying against the wall and ran off crying.
His wife opens the bedoom door and says: "You're just getting home? It's 3AM!!"
"I get home exhausted from work and this cat scratches me, look at what it did to my back!"
He showed her his scratched back.
She says: "We better put him down, because look at the hicky he left on my neck."
What's your story when it comes to jokes? Henrique told me you enjoyed collecting them.
Yeah, I used to have a collection. I had a notebook with about 830 jokes.
The title of the book was going to be "English from the Countryside", but traveling I left it on a stool,
and we started washing the boat. Water spilled on the book and the pages got stuck.
- Seriously? You lost everything? - Everything.
At the time I approached a publisher and they said I needed at least 3 thousand jokes.
I was going to make it to 3 thousand pretty fast, because that was my only focus back then.
- When was this? - This was in 1995, when I used to travel.
I'm also a sailor, so we hear all sorts of things when traveling to different cities.
Around here you have to make friends with people for them to tell you jokes.
Then they get less shy and start telling jokes. If you approach them out of the blue, they get shy.
They get embarrassed and hide, especially if you're filming them.
Two drunks met at a bar, already wasted, and continued on drinking all night.
One of them said: "I'm gonna go." The other said: "Me too."
They get to a house and one of them says: "I live here." The other says: "Me too!"
Both of them ring the doorbell while they argue about the fact that both of them live there.
When a woman opens the door, she says: "Very nice...Father and son drunk together."
A guy was designing the draft of the blueprint of his house.
His mother-in-law walks in and says: "What are you doing there, loser?"
He answered: "I'm drawing the blueprint to live with your daughter."
She says: "Well, don't forget to set aside a little corner for me."
He changed the blueprint and designed a round house so that there couldn't be any corners.
The husband said to his wife: "Woman, I'm going to the doctor. I don't feel very well."
The doctor asked him: "Do you drink?" He said: "On Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays...
"Thursdays, Saturdays and sometimes on Sundays."
The doctor asked: "Do you make love?" He answered: "Not often."
The doctor: "Not much love-making, huh?" He said: "No."
He got home and his wife asked: "Honey, I was worried! What did the doctor say?"
He answered: "The doctor said I have to make a lot of love."
He went to the bathroom, she went into the bedroom and put on her sexiest lingerie.
She heard him open the front door, so she asked: "Francisco, where are you going?"
He said: "Didn't you hear what I just said? I have to make lots of love."
She cried out: "I'm right here! Can't you see me?"
He says: "There you go again with your homemade medicine."
Tell us more about Mr. Lunga's story that we've been hearing.
- You know Mr. Lunga as well? - I've only seen a photo, I don't know him in person.
Mr. Lunga is your typical character that's already known countrywide.
He's the type of guy that makes you pronounce everything, every comma and full stop.
You have to stress the right words, otherwise he'll call you out on it and he's always right.
- How old is he? - He's 82 years old.
He's from Juazeiro do Norte and owns a business. He sells to friends and they pay when they can.
So a friend stops by and says: "Mr. Lunga, I'm here to pick up a few things."
He said: "Did you forget anything here?" Then another guy dropped by and said:
"Hi, does this bus go to the beach?" Mr. Lunga said: "If you find a bikini that fits, it will."
Mr. Lunga went to a farming store and said: "Do you have any rat poison?"
The salesman says: "Yes, are you going to take it?" "No, I'll bring all the rats over here."
Mr. Lunga called the waiter to pay the bill. So he pulls out his checkbook and the waiter says:
- "You're going to pay with a check?" - "No, I'm gonna write you a poem."
He was walking with a bucket of fish: "Did you go fishing, Mr. Lunga?"
"No, the fishes committed suicide in here, so now I'm taking them home to eat."
- Mr. Lunga! - Mr. Lunga's stories.
- Now I'm remembering his other jokes. - He talked a lot about Mr. Lunga.
- He likes Mr. Lunga too. - Mr. Lunga...
Mr. Lunga's son cried all night, so he took him to the hospital early in the morning.
The doctor asked the kid to sit on the gurney and started examining him.
The doctor: "What is he feeling, Mr. Lunga?" "Beats me! If I knew I wouldn't bring him here."
Mr. Lunga went hunting and a group of people at the bar saw him carrying a tapir on his back.
One of them asked: "Mr. Lunga, is that new meat?" He goes: "I don't know! I didn't ask how old it was."
Mr. Lunga was driving on the highway when he got a flat tire.
He stopped by a house, knocked and asked: "Do you have a car jack so I can fix my tire?"
"No sir, but you can try that other house. The owner has a car so he might have a jack.
But if I were you I wouldn't even try, because he is very rude."
"Well, I'm going to try!" So he knocked on the man's door.
- "Good evening." - "Shove your jack up your ass. I don't need it!"
There's also the Arquimedes story. Arquimedes was Mr. Lunga's partner.
Arquimedes walked into a bar and said: "Cachaça for everyone!
For you too!" pointing at the bar owner.
He poured cachaça for everyone and said: "Another round!" and poured some more.
By the end of the night he said: "It's time for the booze sponsor to go."
"What about the bill?" He said: "Bill? I don't have any money."
The owner kicked his ass and Arquimedes disappeared for three days.
When he came back, he said: "Cachaça for everyone!
Except for you because you get feisty when you drink!"
- The bar owner... - Yeah.
There was a chubby girl who was jumping so much that she looked like a landing gear.
A guy went to a lake that existed in his town. There was a kid there to whom he asked:
"Do you think it's a crime to catch fish here?"
The kid looked at him and said: "I don't think it qualifies as a crime, but rather a miracle."
So he stuck around and tried to fish. He didn't catch anything, when a priest arrived.
The priest threw the bait and caught one fish after another, so the guy tapped the priest's shoulder.
"Father, what's the secret?" The priest said: "For what?"
"I've been here all morning and didn't catch any fish. You just got here and in 5 minutes,
- you have over 11 pounds of fish." - And with no bait!
The priest said: "My son, here's the deal. Usually before I come here,
I let my wandering hands finger a woman that lives close to my house."
So the guy goes: "I'm gonna stop by my house!"
When he got there, his wife was doing laundry. He sneaked up behind her and fingered her.
Without looking back, she says: "Are you going fishing, Father?"
Antônio met up with Manuel and said: "Manuel, how are you doing?"
Manuel said: "Good, thank you." Antônio said: "Have you been to Manaus?"
Manuel answered: "Yes." "Did you meet up with Paulo?"
Manuel said: "Yes." "What about Paulo's son?"
- "Which one?" - "The oldest one."
- "He turned gay." - "No way!"
- "He turned gay!" - "Seriously?"
- "He turned gay." - "What about the middle one?"
"That one turned really gay." Antônio asked: "What about the youngest one?"
"The youngest, more or less. He's gay, but only fucks around when he drinks."
- "That's the lesser evil, I guess." - "But he drinks and drinks like there's no tomorrow."
There was a dead woman inside a coffin.
And there was a guy sitting down right next to a dog and 300 people in line.
One guy saw this line and thought: "What's this about? Something new in town?"
So he started to walk and didn't ask anything because he didn't want to seem nosy.
He approached the guy who was sitting down and said: "Buddy, what's going on here?"
He looked at the woman who didn't appear to have suffered any trauma. Her face looked perfect.
He said: "What happened?" The guy answered: "That was caused by the dog."
- "What did he do?" - "It just scratched my in-law's ankle and she died."
"Wow, can I borrow your dog?" The owner said: "Get in line."
- It was full of people. - The wait-list was huge.
I'm going to send my mother-in-law off like that too. I really like her like that.
One of these days I was at home with my wife and I called my dog: "Totó!"
He came up to me wagging his tail, which was already short like this.
I got a machete, placed it on top of his tail and chopped it off. My wife looked at me and said:
"What the hell? Are you crazy to chop off the dog's tail?"
I said: "Look, your mother is coming over and I don't want to see any hint of joy."
That's a good one!
One of the most foul-smelling animals in this region is the anteater.
We call it the collared anteater and it's foul. When people eat it, they can't stand themselves.
The farts, the sweat, the whole thing.
There was a guy who was anxious to talk to his girlfriend, but had eaten an anteater one day earlier.
He decided to go see her anyway. He got there, sat down, needed to fart and it finally came out.
Everyone could smell it and looked at each other. His girl yelled at the dog: "Get out of there, Totó!"
The guy saw that the dog was underneath the chair and thought: "Holy shit, I'm so lucky."
Then he had to fart again so he let another slip. The girlfriend: "Get out of there Totó!"
He thought: "Wow, I'm so lucky." On his third fart, everyone yelled:
"Totó, get out of there before that guy shits on your head!"
There were robberies happening in the bathroom all the time, but no one knew how.
One fine day a guy went inside to take a piss and suddenly a midget came in.
There are certain things you just don't see in life: guys with pictures of their mother-in-laws in their wallet,
black refrigerators and you certainly don't see gay midgets.
So the midget approached the guy and said: "Hey!" and the guy looked down at him.
"Let me hold it a little bit. Just a little bit."
"You can't even reach it! What do you want?" "I just want to hold it and suck it good."
The guy: "Fine, but you can't reach it!" The midget: "I have a little stool."
The midget got the stool and stood on it. He held the guy's dick, lubricated and put it in his mouth.
When he put it in his mouth, he squeezed it and said: "This is a robbery!"
"Hand over your wallet and everything you own! If you react, I'm going to jump off the stool!"
There was a guy named Paulão who scored chicks all the time.
One day at 10 in the morning, he picked up a midget about this size.
He put her in his car and left.
One of his friends saw him holding hands with the midget and said:
"Paulão, are you going to score some lunch?" He answered :"No, right now I'm scoring a snack."
Thank you.
A guy from Minas Gerais found Aladdin's lamp, so he rubbed it and out came the genie.
The genie said: "You have earned three wishes. What's your first wish?"
The guy said: "I want a cheese." The genie: "And your second wish?"
- "I want a woman." - "And your third wish?"
"One more cheese." His friends: "Why two cheeses and one woman?"
"I got embarrassed to ask for 3 cheeses, so I put a woman in the mix to mislead the genie."
- You're a teacher? - I'm a Math teacher.
How would you describe your relationship with comedy?
Look Gustavo, it's quite spontaneous. It seems like it's innate.
I would say that it's innate because I experience and enjoy happiness.
I always say the following: "We don't have sadness and joy resides within us.
If we're ordered to sing, we'll sing. If we're ordered to cry, we'll cry."
Two guys worked together on the field and every day when they were on their way home,
they stopped at a local bar and ordered two pinga shots.
The owner of the bar got used to it and always expected them there.
They'd have one pinga shot each and didn't play pool or eat snacks - they went straight home.
One day one of them said: "My friend, I always think about when one of us passes away...
it's going to be so boring, whoever stays will come to the bar and have one shot?"
The friend answered: "No buddy, we could make a pact.
The one that lives has his own shot and the other friend's shot as well."
After a few years, one of them died. The one who remained thought:
"We were just joking around but who's to say it can't be a reality. A deal is a deal."
So he went to the bar and ordered two shots. The owner of the bar questioned him:
"Your partner is gone and you're going to order two shots?"
He said: "We made a pact. Whoever lived would drink the other one's shot."
The owner said: "Oh, I see!" He poured the two shots and served them.
The years went by and the owner of the bar got used to the system, always serving two shots.
One day when the owner was serving the two shots, the guy said: "No, I only want one."
- "Why? I don't understand!" - "I quit drinking, so I'll just have my friend's shot."
I had an older lady meet up with me and she was with a girl, probably her granddaughter,
who was looking pretty ill, so I thought she must've eaten too much and got fucked up.
So I saw her getting sick and said: "Miss, she got fucked, huh?"
She said: "Yes, but she'll get married! God be willing!"
I said: "No, not like that Miss."
- Do you memorize easily? - You don't have to memorize the good stuff.
Silly jokes are easy. My wife gets mad though.
She doesn't appreciate it because I'm like this 24/7.
Let's see if he's there?
- Good afternoon! How are you sweety? - All's good!
I'm here with some people from a production company in São Paulo.
They approached me to ask if I could tell some jokes and I thought of your husband.
Is he there? Would he be available?
- Let me check, because he has the flu. - Please check! It can't hurt, right?
- So you guys enjoy telling jokes? - We do.
Every once in a while, we'll yell to each other: "I've got a new one!"
He'll stop the car in the middle of the street and say: "Come here, let me tell you a new joke!"
- It's part of my vocabulary. - We tell them even when we're inside the Church.
- No, it's not allowed in the Church. - We tell jokes wherever, even at a funeral.
- The Gaúcho joke? - Let's do it.
The Gaúcho gets home and sees his daughter with a vibrator.
He says: "Honey, so many men out there and you're using a vibrator! What's going on?"
"Dad, this kind doesn't drink, smoke or get home late and it can't get me pregnant."
The dad said: "In that sense, it's not too bad." Days later she walks in and sees him with the vibrator.
She goes: "Dad, what the hell?" "I'm having a chat with my son-in-law!"
He's exactly like this - every time I bump into him, he has a new treat for us.
It's funny because from the moment you retire, which I have,
you resort to telling jokes. If you tell me one, I will never forget it.
I might get blurry on the details, but I'll never forget it.
- I don't remember other things, though. - But you remember jokes?
I always remember jokes, believe it or not. It's peculiar, isn't it?
You'll find him behind the soccer field, going down this street.
- He's called Lúcio Paca - Lúcio what?
- Lúcio Paca. - So I head down that way...
You head down that way, go around the church all the way to the soccer field.
- Okay, I look for Lúcio Paca? - Lúcio Paca.
- Let's go! - Thank you.
I think we're here, man.
We're making a documentary about people who enjoy telling jokes.
Good jokesters, you know? Quinzinho from the gas station told us to look for him here.
- He just left to do a job. - Really?
- Yeah, he'll be back in an hour or so. - Yeah?
- He does like to joke around. - He does, doesn't he?
- Yes. - And he's a funny guy?
- Yes. Come back later and you'll find him. - Okay, we'll try calling him.
- We'll give him a call. - Get him prepped to tell us some some jokes.
He really is a total clown.
Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system...
- We'll try again later. - What do you recommend guys?
At the tone, please record your message.
She said she wasn't sure if he had taken his cell phone with him.
I think the only thing we can do is go back and see if he's home.
Lúcio?
The TV is on, but there's no one here. Do you think they're avoiding us?
- Could you call Lúcio for us, please? - He's inside the room.
- This white door here? - Yes.
- Do you think you could call him? - He's shy!
- He's shy? He doesn't want to come here? - No.
Let me talk to him with the camera off, then. We won't film anything. Cut.
We went to the gas station and spoke to Quinzinho. He said you're a good jokester.
Let's see each other at the gas station tomorrow. We meet there every day for coffee.
- Oh, really? Which gas station? - The one where Quinzinho works.
We go at 05:30 AM and stay there until 08:00 AM. Afterwards, we go our own way.
We can meet you there at around 06:00 AM. Start thinking about some jokes, okay?
- It just has to be funny, that's all. - Jokes have to be funny, right?
No point in telling a joke that isn't funny... I'll tell you the joke about the curious guy.
- Right now? - Yeah.
- Let's hear it. - This is the joke about the curious guy.
There once was a guy who was very curious. He was too curious and wanted to know everything.
But there was another fellow who owed some guy money.
The lender went over to the curious guy and said: "I'm gonna go get my cash, he doesn't want to pay.
He's such a lousy borrower!" So they went over to the guy's house to collect.
When they get there, the lender says: "I'm here for my cash. I want my money!"
The curious guy was listening when the borrower said: "I will never pay!" and shot himself in the ear.
When the borrower shot himself in the ear, he collapsed on the floor.
The lender got the gun and also shot himself in the ear.
"I'm getting my money even if I have to go to hell for it!"
The curious guy stood there, unsure what to do. He was so curious that he held the gun and said:
"I won't miss this fight for anything in the world!"
- Lúcio even told us a little joke. - He did?
- He told the joke about the curious guy, you know? - I know that one!
- It's taking too long. - Do you want to go there?
- Let's? - Do you think it's better to go alone?
I think that if you guys go, he won't come. I'll go and I know what to do.
"Lúcio, those guys haven't shown up yet!" He'll come with me then.
- Am I right? - "They said they'd come, but didn't."
- "I went there and they never showed!" - "They stood us up."
"So let's go make some coffee." Once he gets here, there's no turning back.
- I'll go get him. - Okay.
- Well? - He said he had to go to Sumidouro.
He told me to tell you that he couldn't make it today, it'll have to be some other time.
- I told him it had to be right now, but he bailed. - He bailed? I can't believe it.
- We went over to his place yesterday. - You guys made arrangements and everything.
How are you? Do you work here at the market?
I'm making a documentary about people who enjoy telling jokes - funny people who are good jokesters.
- First aisle, second left. - What's that?
Second aisle to the left. The boy's name is Araújo.
Hi, how are you? Is Araújo around?
- Are you Araújo? - Yeah.
Let me talk to you.
Go ahead, but I will charge because you're filming. I charge to give interviews.
I only tell jokes when I'm drunk, you know? I haven't had a drink today.
- You don't tell jokes when you're sober? - Look at that guy.
- You don't tell jokes when you're sober? - No, never when sober! It's impossible.
Why would I ever tell jokes when I'm sober? Drunks are the best, right?
Everything happens to a drunk. It's true. That guy over there looks like a drunk.
- No, but this one is more of a drunk. - This one is more?
Those guys must drink a lot together. Look at that guy's face over there! His team won.
Are you hoarse? Did Atlético Mineiro win? Let's hear it.
- Who would you recommend around here? - Good jokesters?
There's a guy over there who's fucking good at it. You can insert that beep sound.
When I say "fucking" you insert the beep.
Do you want to talk to a guy like that? I'll take you there. Do you want to?
- Is he funny? - I think so.
- What does he do? - Comedy lies in how you tell things.
The jokes aren't funny, it's the way they're told that's funny.
I'll take you to a guy that tells some stories. He's good, let's go there.
I'm helping you out, see? You don't even know how to get around the market.
Get that piece of wood out of my face. Crazy shit.
You know that a drunk's biggest enemy is an uneven floor, this little step screws any drunk over.
A drunk guy got home and the elevator stopped 3 inches away from the floor.
He stumbled on it so hard that his toe bent backwards.
Then he hit a lady's breast with his elbow inside the elevator.
He said: "Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll certainly forgive me."
She said: "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live in 312."
There he is! I brought the TV for you to tell some stories.
That kid's good. You have to tell a story, you know them so well.
Do you or don't you? Help out your customer and then tell us a story.
You'll be in the movies, they'll broadcast in the commercials between movies.
- It's an actual movie, a documentary. - What is it called?
- "Jokesters". - "Jokesters", huh?
- He's the artist here, Araújo is the artist. - No, I'm not.
We have to stop slandering our social class. If we only tell drunk jokes, we're fucked.
Drunks aren't allowed to drink and drive anymore. So a drunk called a cab, because he was wasted.
He stopped a cab and said: "Where can I store 12 beers and 2 slices of pizza?"
"On the backseat." The guy barfs.
Cab drivers don't want to take drunks home anymore.
They ask where the drunk passenger lives and it's always so close they make them walk instead.
There was a drunk passenger who asked the cab driver: "How much do I owe you?"
The cab driver said: "It's 30 bucks." The drunk reaches into his pocket and only has a 20.
"Can you back up the car until we're back to 20?" That's enough, right?
Listen, Chico wanted to buy a cachaça here at the market.
- You'll find it in my stand. - We can get it with you?
Let's switch for me to film, because you're going to sell him the cachaça.
Come this way because the cachaça nest is here, you drunkard.
Back in the day, it was an insult to call someone a cachaça drunk. Now it's a compliment.
I have cachaça that's worth 500 bucks. That's a good one and this one as well.
- I have this one at home. - What about this one?
Not this one. I'm going to try Dama de Ouro and Perseguida.
- Wait, I've tried Dama de Ouro. - You don't remember, do you?
That's what happens to drunks. They forget in order to drink again.
A drunk gets home, opens the door and sees his mother-in-law holding a broom.
He says: "Are you going to fly or sweep?" He's a dead man.
Who wants some? Sound guy? He doesn't drink... People who don't drink can't be trusted.
They're only good at being designated drivers.
This one drinks. Do you drink? The guy who helps the priest, the sexton,
used to drink the priest's wine and the priest slept with the drunk's wife.
It was all a secret and one pretended not to know about the other. On confession day,
the priest called the sexton and said: "You're going to confess to me."
Inside the confession booth, he asked: "Who has been drinking the priest's wine?"
The sexton: "I can't hear anything from this side of the confessional."
"Stop joking around, boy. We have to get to work."
- "I can't hear anything. What did you say?" - "Who drank the priest's wine?"
He said: "I can't hear anything." The priest: "Let's switch sides."
They switched and the sexton said: "Who's been fucking the sexton's wife?"
The priest: "Wow, you really can't hear shit from this side."
There's another joke that goes like this: a priest was listening to confessions from the townspeople.
The gay kid in town showed up to confess, when the priest got terrible diarrhea.
The priest called up the stand-in priest, opened the curtain and said: "Stand in for me."
The other priest said: "But I don't know the first thing about penance."
"Just ask them to pray a few Our Fathers and 10 Holy Marys."
The stand-in priest sat in the confessional and the gay kid started:
"I let Serginho fuck me and Paulinho from the drugstore and also the baker..."
The priest thought to himself: "This guy is so shameless and profane. What shall be his penance?"
He opened the curtain and saw a sexton walk by. He asked: "Excuse me?"
"What penance does Priest John give to people who have anal sex?"
The sexton said: "Yesterday he gave me a couple of pastries and a Coke."
All guys drink, right? Guys who don't are the worst.
If you sit with a guy who doesn't drink and tell him a secret, he'll rat you out by the next day.
- Because he remembers, right? - He remembers.
I told these guys 15 jokes If I don't appear in at least 3 seconds of this film, I'm gonna break that camera.
Good cachaça is better than a bad mother-in-law. It'll go away on the next day.
A drunk guy got in the bus, sat next to a woman and she said:
"Stinky drunk!" He replied: "Ugly woman!"
The woman looked at him and replied: "Oh, you're way too wasted."
He says: "Yeah, but I'll be fine tomorrow. You're fucked. You'll die ugly."
I'm going to take the Dama de Ouro and the Caetano cachaça that I liked.
Santa Caetano is really good. Did you like Lamburana? You didn't even try it.
- I tried its scent. - Give me the Lamburana, he has to drink it.
- That one over there. - Mine can be inside the beer bottle.
- I liked the one in the beer bottle. - Get it over there, he's going to serve it.
I'm going to hire this kid.
I need a sound guy to help me sell cachaça. What do you say?
Did you hire a mute guy? Is it a silent movie? The guy doesn't say a word!
- Say something! Does he cheer for Atlético? - No, he's from Jequié.
- He's from Bahia. - You're baiano?
I always dreamed of getting those tererê hair wraps. But I'm bald, so it's impossible.
My father used to say that women prefer fat, bald men.
They think they have money and get rich. I got high blood pressure and diabetes.
He was so fucking wrong. And it sucks because everyone compares us.
"You look just like your father!" The geezer was 80 years old, fucking me over.
The guy from Bahia said to the guy from Minas Gerais: "You say a lot of vowels, man."
The guy from Minas answered: "Oh yeah, uai, oh."
A drunk married a pious girl from the countryside.
On the first night of their honeymoon, she locked herself in the bedroom.
He started banging on the door and said: "Open the fucking door! I want to come in!"
She said: "No, I'm embarrassed." He'd reply: "Open up! It's our honeymoon."
She said: "I'm scared." "You will be when you see what I'm banging with."
"Then you'll really see where fear lives. It's there."
A guy from Minas Gerais steps into the fanciest brothel in São Paulo.
Top notch. He said the following:
"I want to speak to Natália." The brothel keeper said: "My friend, let me tell you.
We have 500 women here. Natália is the most expensive one."
- "Why do you want to speak to Natália?" - "I want to speak to Natália."
"So let's call Natália." He called her over and she was a fox, just stunning.
She said: "Look, I charge 1,000 bucks a night." The boy: "No problem, I'll take it."
They went upstairs and he left afterward. The following day, the kid came back.
The keeper: "What do you want?" He said: "I want Natália."
"But you were just here yesterday!" He said: "I know, I liked it." And went upstairs.
On the third day the boy from Minas Gerais was back again.
The keeper: "This isn't possible. There's something wrong."
He said: "Sir, you again?" The boy: "Yes, I want to see Natália."
The keeper: "It's not possible." Natália goes: "I'm not giving a discount."
The boy said: "I don't want a discount. I want it the same way as always."
While they were having sex, she said: "You must be some kind of eccentric millionaire."
"Are you from Minas Gerais?" He said: "Yes."
- "From where exactly?" - "I'm from Belo Horizonte."
She said: "Wow, where do you live there?" "I live in the Padre Estáquio neighborhood."
- "Oh, my aunt Letícia lives there!" - "I'm aware, I know her."
"Your family sold a a parcel of land and she asked me to bring you 3,000 bucks."
"I only charged the transport fee."
"Charged the transport fee." That's a good one.
But where are you guys from? Tell me what's the deal.
We're traveling to several places and discovering things like this.
- That's cool. - Basically what you did here.
- And you found the Bro! That's great. - We did.
- Why is your nickname Bro? - I worked in Iraq for Mendes Junior from '81 to '84.
I was in charge of projects and there was an Arab guy called Mohammed Hamed.
Another one was called Hamed Mohammed and another one was Hamed Mohammed Hamed.
So I never knew who was Hamed or Mohammed, so I'd say: "Bro, please work here."
"Bro! Bro!" I'd call everyone 'bro' and it stuck.
When I came back, I opened Bro's Bar on Ingaí street.
Everyone found out about Bro's Bar, so if you ask for Delso at the bar, no one will know who it is.
- So I'm Bro. - How did you start telling jokes?
Let me tell you something, I'll start from the beginning.
My father, Donato Leite de Andrade, was a skilled jokester.
He was an artist and I inherited his talent. My mother used to say:
"Wherever Donato was, at whichever corner, people would gather around in a circle."
People would wonder about the commotion and it always was Donato Andrade telling a joke.
So I inherited it. I've been telling jokes since I was a kid.
And, as you saw when you arrived, I was telling these guys some jokes.
So there you go, it's in my blood. I like telling jokes.
I think I'm funny because everywhere I go,
I crack people up. So let's tell some jokes.
A gecko and a panda bear were smoking a joint on a tree.
The gecko said: "Pass the joint, panda."
"Gecko, pass it back." Both of them went on smoking their dope.
Then the gecko says: "Whoa, panda. This dope is sick, it's making me very thirsty."
The panda says: "Go to the river!" The gecko: "Great idea!"
The gecko climbed down the tree and drank water from the river, but it was so high that it fell inside.
It started to drown, when an alligator was passing by and saw the gecko.
The alligator lifted the gecko, placing it on its head and said: "What the hell, gecko? Are you high?"
The gecko: "Oh, alligator! I got high with the panda, I came to drink water, but you saved my life."
So the alligator said: "Since I saved you, maybe you can save me."
- "What do you mean?" - "The panda has some dope?"
- "Yeah." - "He's your friend?"
- "Yeah." - "So let's go."
- "Let's." - "Where is he?"
"On that tree over there." They get out, the gecko still on the alligator's head.
The alligator walked with the gecko and when they got to the tree they said:
- "Yo, panda! Panda!" - "Gecko, you drank way too much water!"
"What the hell, gecko? You drank too much water!"
You guys don't have a problem with Argentina, right?
So a plane crashed and only an Argentine, an Arab and a Hindu survived.
The Indian, the Arab and the Argentine. They started to walk and all three were starving.
They stumbled upon a simple house, a very humble place.
They knocked on the door and said: "We need shelter. We're starving.
We were in a plane crash." The host said the following:
"I can only accommodate two of you, because my house is very small.
- "One of you will have to sleep in the barn." - "Sure, no problem."
Then the Indian guy said: "I'm humble, I've always lived a quaint life.
Sleeping in the barn is not a problem." So the Indian guy went to the barn.
Later, he knocked and said: "I can't sleep there." The others asked why not.
"Because there's a cow there and in our religion cows are sacred.
I can't sleep beside a sacred animal." The Arab said:
"That's not a problem, I'll go." And off went the Arab.
Later, he also knocked and said: "I can't sleep there." The others: "Why not?"
"Because there's a pig in there and the Muslim religion doesn't recognize pork. I can't be around it."
The Argentine said: "Fine, whatever. I'll do it." He went to the barn.
After a while, someone knocked. It was the cow and the pig.
"I'm not going to sleep beside an Argentine! That's fucked up!"
Mr. Manuel's wife never felt any pleasure with him.
One day he was on top of her.
He always bought her flowers, lingeries and she didn't budge.
One day he was on top of her ready to make love, already sweating and he said:
"What the fuck, Maria? I buy you everything you want and you don't even budge."
"Manuel, what can I say? I have a dream." He asked: "What dream?"
"I dream that we're making love and a big black guy waves a hand fan."
"Fine, I don't want you craving anything." He stepped outside to find a black man.
He told him: "Look, now you have to go to my house and hold the fan.
Just keep waving it and don't let it drop because I'll be making love to Maria."
Manuel climbs on Maria, the black man waves the fan, but she doesn't react so they start feeling sleepy.
Manuel finally exclaims: "Maria, it's not even working with the black guy waving the fan!"
She says: "I have another dirty dream..." He asks: "What is it like?"
"The black guy makes love to me and you wave the fan."
Manuel comes back and says: "Maria, I don't want you to crave anything!" and grabs the hand fan.
As soon as the black man gets on top of her, she starts to moan: "Oh Manuel, this is so good!"
Manuel continues to wave the fan, while she yells: "Oh my God, this is so good!"
"Oh, this is so good!" she cried out. She even did a split while Manuel waved the fan.
After they had sex, Manuel says to the black man: "See how it's done? Now that's how you wave a fan."
There was a man who worked in the circus as a crocodile tamer and even toured with the animals.
Just imagine him walking around with the crocodiles! There were many people waiting to see his show.
When he steps in, he places the crocodile on top of a table.
He opens the crocodile's mouth and sticks his left hand in it. Everyone claps, crazy with excitement.
He removes his left hand and puts his right hand in. So far so good.
Suddenly, he puts his left foot and leg in and gets an even bigger response from the audience.
He puts his right arm in, as well. Then, he sticks his head in the crocodile's mouth.
There was nothing left to do, so he said: "I have to do something that will get them excited!"
"I know!", drops his pants, sticks his dick in the crocodile's mouth and clocks it on the head.
He yells to the ringmaster: "Hand me that microphone!"
He asks the audience: "Would anyone like to come down and try this?"
Someone jumps up from the audience and says: "I would! Just don't hit me on the head!"
Thank you! Thanks!
- Good afternoon. - How are you?
- All's good. - What are you selling?
- The store is right here. Do you know his name? - No, but he owns the place.
Hello! How are you?
Good afternoon, how are you doing sir? We're making a documentary about jokesters.
Oh, I can tell quite a few of those. You came to the right place!
It wasn't by chance, we were at...
They were at Santo Amaro and people told them that you were very good at telling jokes, Mr. Zé.
- So they asked where to find you. - Right here! I'll tell you a good anecdote.
- Do you want them dirty or not dirty? - Dirty and not dirty, we want both.
As you wish, dirty and not dirty.
Two deviants invaded a convent and said the following:
"Let's have our way with all the nuns!"
One nun said: "Not all of them! All except Mother Superior."
Mother Superior interrupts and says: "All means all!"
They finished and left.
One nun began to pray: "Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they're doing."
Another nun said: "Speak for yourself. My guy was a master!"
That's good.
A guy walks into a pizzeria and here they serve family-sized pizzas.
The so-called 'family' pizzas are larger, meant to serve the whole family.
A lady was looking after the pizzeria, when a man walked in with his arms over two women,
two beautiful women and asked:
"Do you have pizza?" Seeing him with those two, she asked: "Family?"
He said: "No, they're both whores, but they're very hungry."
There are so many anecdotes, but I'll stop here.
You don't have any others? Just tell us one last anecdote!
- Oh, there's more... - Just one before we go! The last one was so good.
A guy was going on a hunting trip in a jeep when he saw a shepherd standing near a brook.
He asked the shepherd: "Buddy, will the jeep be able to cross the brook?"
"Sure," said the shepherd. As soon as he drives into the brook, the jeep gets covered in water.
The guy says: "But you said I'd be able to cross! Now the jeep is covered in water!"
The shepherd said: "Look, a duck just passed you by. You should fly like it."
- Thank God... - Have a good hunting trip tomorrow.
- Thank you. - We hope you catch lots of pigeons.
- Thank you for your visit. - Thank you.
- Thanks! - We're heading north tomorrow.
- Godspeed and God bless you. - Thank you.
Good morning!
Good morning, how are you? Are you from Porto?
- Yes sir, we are. - So maybe you can help me out.
I'm making a documentary. I'm Brazilian and my documentary is about jokesters.
Do you know anyone from around here who is good at telling anecdotes?
The only anecdotes people tell around here are to ask for credit.
- People tell anecdotes to ask for credit? - That's right, they all want credit.
Do you know how to ask for credit? Come over here to tell us an anecdote.
- I don't know any! - Tell them to get Fernando Rocha.
I used to work as an electrician.
Then I got my dream job as an electrician,
which was to work at Comboios de Portugal. At this point, I had won a TV contest.
- It was called Hit Hit and I won first place. - It was a joke contest?
Yes, a joke contest and then I started making money.
I made money with shows and then I started making even more money...
Here, here! I started making more money a week telling jokes,
than all month long as an electrician. So I had an angel and a devil on each side.
The devil said: "Quit your job at CP to tell jokes!" The angel: "No, you have a stable job.
Stay where you are, you don't have to do much, you just work and make your own."
Then one of CP's engineers called me up and said: "Such and such happened.
Your contract expires next month and we can't renew it."
So I shook his hand and said: "Thank you very much, Mr. Engineer!"
And I said: "Thank you so much! You're pushing me toward the direction I wanted!"
Not knowing what it was about, the man probably thought: "That guy must be insane."
The engineer wondered why I thanked him the way I did.
But the fact is that being fired was the push I needed.
That's why I always say that in this life, it's better to be lucky than to be good.
First and foremost, you have to be lucky. Then, you can be good.
Because if you're a good person, but don't have any luck, you don't have anything.
Regarding jokes, I have countless CDs and DVDs in the market.
I never registered copyrights. Why not?
First of all they're jokes, not music.
I tell a joke about little John who slipped and fell. I go ahead and register that joke.
Tomorrow, you tell a joke about Juca who slipped and fell, but if you change a comma, it's not the same.
The way I register my jokes is in the way that I tell them.
I have a friend who works in an appliances store.
He was trying to sell a TV to a lady. He turned to the old lady and said:
"Here you go. Take the TV but keep the box for 15 days."
There's a law in Portugal that says that if you keep the box of the device you purchased,
if something happens in the first 15 days, you can put back in the box
and you'll get a new one right away.
15 days later I was at my friend's workplace and the old lady showed up.
She said: "Do you remember me?" My friend: "Yes, I sold you a TV 15 days ago."
She said: "Exactly. It's been 15 days. Can I take the TV out of the box?"
She spent 15 days with the TV inside the box!
- It's crazy. - That's an anecdote.
- It ended up sounding like an anecdote. - A typical joke about Portuguese people.
- The typical joke about Portuguese people. - Or about Brazilians.
Tell us a typical joke about Brazilians.
A Portuguese guy goes into a store and says to the Brazilian employee:
- "Good morning, my friend!" - "Excuse me?"
- "Good morning!" - "Good morning!"
- "I'd like a toilet." - "A what?"
- "A toilet!" - "A toilet? What is that?"
"That over there! Over there on the shelf!"
I don't know what you call 'toilets' in Brazil, maybe a 'chamberpot'.
- It's something from the old days... - We call it 'toilet' too.
Toilet then. So the Brazilian says: "We don't call it a 'toilet' here."
- "That's called a Portuguese." - "A Portuguese?"
"Exactly, around here, the name for that is 'Portuguese'."
- "Okay, so I'd like a Portuguese please." - "Would you like it big, medium or small?"
"One that's big enough to fit several Brazilians."
This toilet joke is common across Brazil, except the characters are from different states.
One time the toilet will be from the South, then it will be someone from Minas Gerais.
- It's one state's revenge against the other. - So this joke is already renowned.
In this town we say a lot of bad words. It's not offensive.
I have a joke that represents this culture. A mother from Porto is about to give her son a shot.
She pricks the son's butt with the needle and he says: "Ouch, son of a bitch!"
The mom asks: "Who's a son of a bitch?!" He replies: "I am, mom!"
She says: "Oh, then that's okay."
While I'm telling a joke, your subconscious,
is trying to find out where the joke will end. You can't dominate that.
So I'll be telling a joke and you'll think: "Oh, I see where this is going."
Now let's suppose that I'm telling a joke and you're thinking it will end a certain way.
While I'm telling it, you're thinking: "That's the end."
When you think it will end here but it ends there, that's when you laugh the most.
In other words, if the end of the joke is close or similar to what you thought,
you will at least smile out of sympathy.
- Out of solidarity! - Exactly.
If I'm telling a joke and it's the total opposite of what you imagined,
I will catch your brain off-guard and you'll burst into laughter.
You've always had a tradition of telling jokes and impersonating characters, right?
- Similar to comedians like Chico Anísio. - Yes...
- You know who Chico Anísio is, right? - Yes, I know him.
He impersonated an old lady and had all those types of jokes.
And stand-up comedy was always very American. This model didn't really exist in Brazil.
- Stand-up is American. - Right.
That's what I always say. Anecdotes are typically from Portugal.
Note that stand-up became a fad here in Portugal. I think it's here to stay, but you can't be sure.
Anecdotes are here to stay. They existed before my time,
I tell anecdotes and they will exist after I die.
When the seniors go on tours to Fátima, an old man will pick up the microphone and do what?
Stand-up? No! He'll tell anecdotes. Everyone tells anecdotes.
Anecdotes are very popular and traditional.
- Rose, my friend! - Tell me a joke.
Do you know the difference between a prostitute and a student?
- A prostitute and a student? No. - Yes.
I'll tell you: the student sticks things in her head and the prostitute sticks her head in things.
Do you know what's the difference between an orange, a woman and pliers?
- No. - Me neither, because I never sucked on pliers.
Let's go then.
- Do you know how to tell anecdotes? - Yes, I'll tell you an anecdote by my Quequinho.
- Anecdote by whom? - An anecdote by my Quequinho.
- Let's hear it. - It goes like this...
A man travels to Angola. Once he gets there, he sees monkeys walking around.
They were black-faced lions, which are those tiny monkeys.
The man said: "I'm going to take one of these little monkeys home. My wife and kids will love it."
But it's prohibited. People are not allowed to bring the monkeys.
So the man starts to think: "I'm going to steal a monkey."
Before he boards the plane, he unzips his pants and sticks the monkey inside.
He zips his pants, buckles his belt and boards with the little monkey.
It's a very long flight and the man starts to quiver.
The lady next to him looks over, "He's probably feeling ill, let him be."
The flight carries on and another 3 hours into it, the man starts to quiver again.
The woman looks at him and he looks at her. She thinks: "Everything's fine. It must be paranoia."
"Fear of flying." Two hours before landing he starts up again.
The lady turns to him and says: "Sir, I'm sorry. Are you feeling ill? Are you having a seizure?
"I'm going to call the flight attendant because you're not feeling well."
He unzips his pants and says: "No ma'am." She says: "Oh my! The poor thing must be hungry!"
"Not at all, ma'am. He's already nursed 3 times."
- Thank you! - You're welcome.
- Red wine city! - Pure red wine.
- Fernanda, thank you. - Bye, see you soon.
- Bye! - Thank you.
- Did you know this one already? - No.
- Thank you. - It's a very good joke.
- Fernanda told us a joke. - Had you heard it?
It's about the man and the tiny monkey, but it's forbidden to take them, so he sticks one in his pants.
When he was in the plane he would move frantically so a lady asked him: "What's wrong?"
And after a while he would quiver again. She'd say: "Are you okay?"
He said: "I'll show you!" and unzips his pants. She said: "Poor thing. He's starving."
He replied: "He's not hungry at all. He's already nursed 3 times, son of a bitch."
What a good time.
There's dark beer from Rio, one that has the head of an ox called 'Tearass'.
It was purchased by Schincariol. They're releasing a beer that I will not drink.
'Schintearass'. I'm not crazy.
And they're running out. Because when they run out, it's all over.
Notice that there are no more rednecks. I came to Campinas,
there were loads of rednecks. The redneck would lean against the Church door,
see the priest celebrating and the people with their back to the door.
The redneck: "Priest, I would like to speak to you."
The priest: "Just a minute, I'm in the middle of mass." "No, I really have to talk to you."
People look over their shoulder and the priest says: "Come in, mass has already been ruined!"
"What do you want?"
"Priest, I'd like to know if it's a sin to make money out of other people's misfortune."
The priest says: "Of course it is!" "Then I want my wedding money back."
A cripple and a blind guy were friends. The cripple turned to the blind guy and said:
"Manuel, would you like to see a bullfight with me? Let's go see one!"
Manuel said: "See? You mean smell the bullshit because I'm fucking blind!"
The cripple: "You're right, I forgot you were blind. But we can do something about it.
We'll go to the bullfight and I'll narrate it like a soccer game.
I'll tell you what's happening, what the bull does and doesn't do and you listen."
The blind friend: "Let's go then." The blind man walked ahead and the cripple followed.
The blind guy walked ahead to pave the way. They arrived at the bullring and the cripple said:
- "Fuck, this place is packed." - "Yes, I know, I can tell."
Then a guy blew the horn and said on the microphone:
"Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry to inform that the bullfighter is sick.
Therefore we will not have a bullfight here today." Everyone sighs: "Oh no!"
"But we'll pay €5 thousand to each person who has the courage to come here and fight the bull."
The cripple says to his friend: "Manuel, let's do it!" The blind friend: "Do what?"
- "Let's fight the bull?" - "Are you crazy? I'm blind, I can't see anything.
And you're a cripple. You can't run away from the bull, we'll get gored.
We can't even pay for the hospital fees with €5 thousand."
The cripple said: "No, man. We'll go together and stand beside each other.
When the bull approaches us, I'll give you a push and keep you at a distance.
The bull will pass between us, I'll say 'Olé!' and we'll win €5 thousand!"
The blind friend said: "Miracle!" And the cripple: "What miracle? Can you see?"
- "Yes, I can see how this will fail miserably." - "No, it'll work just fine."
"Fuck, this is a disaster. Why did I come here? I was just going to play Playstation at home."
"Come on man, let's make some money." So off they went.
While both of them were in the bullring, the announcer said:
"Attention ladies and gentlemen, this bull is from the Carlos Barreto category.
Its testicles alone weigh 1,650 pounds." The cripple heard that and ran away.
So the blind man stood by himself thinking his friend was next to him.
The blind guy says: "Don't forget to push me when the bull starts charging!"
When the bull entered the ring and spotted just one man,
a blind man wearing sunglasses and holding one spear, the bull stopped and went like this.
Then the bull looked at the audience and did this. And the audience responded like this.
And the bull shrugged. Then the bull charged in the blind man's direction.
Let's do it in slow motion so that all Brazilians can understand.
The bull in slow motion.
And the blind man in slow motion: "Motherfucker, tell me when the bull is close!"
The audience in slow motion went like this: "I can't watch this."
Well, the bull approached the blind man and gores him.
The blind man goes flying and somersaults backwards. This is the audience in slow motion.
The blind guy flies against the ring and stairs and ends up at the hospital.
On the following day, the cripple went to pay his friend a visit at the hospital and said:
- "Can I visit my friend?" - "Sure, come on in."
He saw the blind man and said: "Geez, he's all messed up. He's even blind. Oh my god!"
He looked at him and said: "Are you feeling better?" The blind man said: "Go fuck yourself!"
"I told you to push, but you didn't have to push me so hard!"