1 00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:06,059 Ebony Roberts: I remember watching my father raise the pistol 2 00:00:06,083 --> 00:00:07,333 to my mother's head. 3 00:00:08,083 --> 00:00:11,643 She pleaded with him to put the gun down, 4 00:00:11,667 --> 00:00:12,917 but he ignored her. 5 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:18,143 When she bolted toward the door, he followed close behind 6 00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:21,917 and once outside, he fired one single shot. 7 00:00:22,958 --> 00:00:24,208 I was 12. 8 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,875 I remember this moment frame by frame. 9 00:00:28,667 --> 00:00:30,458 I remember feeling numb. 10 00:00:31,167 --> 00:00:33,417 I remember feeling alone. 11 00:00:34,958 --> 00:00:37,184 Thank God, the bullet missed her, 12 00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:39,583 but my family would never be the same. 13 00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:42,583 I would never be the same. 14 00:00:44,083 --> 00:00:46,726 I didn't know then all the ways 15 00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:50,851 that my parents' on-again, off-again relationship would impact me, 16 00:00:50,875 --> 00:00:54,184 but I knew I didn't want a love like theirs. 17 00:00:54,208 --> 00:00:56,292 My story would be different. 18 00:00:57,250 --> 00:01:00,351 Years later, when I met you, 19 00:01:00,375 --> 00:01:02,476 I fell madly in love. 20 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:05,184 Our connection was undeniable. 21 00:01:05,208 --> 00:01:08,250 It was as if you had been hand-picked just for me. 22 00:01:09,542 --> 00:01:12,143 I thought we'd be together forever. 23 00:01:12,167 --> 00:01:15,434 But we struggled with some of the same issues my parents had, 24 00:01:15,458 --> 00:01:17,809 and after nearly nine years together, 25 00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:19,083 we called it quits. 26 00:01:19,958 --> 00:01:22,018 We had Sekou then. 27 00:01:22,042 --> 00:01:23,851 He was only three. 28 00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:27,351 Though he was too young to really understand what was going on, 29 00:01:27,375 --> 00:01:28,809 he was old enough to know 30 00:01:28,833 --> 00:01:30,101 that mommy and daddy 31 00:01:30,125 --> 00:01:32,750 were not going to be living in the same house anymore. 32 00:01:33,750 --> 00:01:35,875 Our breakup hit me really hard. 33 00:01:40,375 --> 00:01:42,018 But I decided 34 00:01:42,042 --> 00:01:46,792 I wouldn't let my broken heart get in the way of what was best for Sekou. 35 00:01:47,625 --> 00:01:50,476 We struggled initially, trying to navigate this new space 36 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:51,750 as coparents. 37 00:01:53,542 --> 00:01:55,476 I asked myself, 38 00:01:55,500 --> 00:02:00,351 how do we raise this beautiful boy full of wonder and promise 39 00:02:00,375 --> 00:02:01,934 and so much power, 40 00:02:01,958 --> 00:02:03,958 in spite of our failures as a couple? 41 00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:07,375 The answer for me was simple. 42 00:02:08,750 --> 00:02:10,393 I could either choose fear, 43 00:02:10,417 --> 00:02:11,976 fear of being alone, 44 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,101 fear of the unknown, 45 00:02:14,125 --> 00:02:15,684 or choose love. 46 00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:17,768 And I chose love. 47 00:02:17,792 --> 00:02:21,601 That means seeing the good in you as a father. 48 00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:24,434 It means seeing the good in you as a father 49 00:02:24,458 --> 00:02:26,976 and not your missteps as a partner. 50 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,684 It means putting Sekou first every time, 51 00:02:29,708 --> 00:02:31,833 even if it means I don't get my way. 52 00:02:33,083 --> 00:02:36,684 I know my parents went back and forth 53 00:02:36,708 --> 00:02:40,917 trying to work things out for my brother and I's sake. 54 00:02:42,083 --> 00:02:43,893 Though I appreciate their effort, 55 00:02:43,917 --> 00:02:45,476 I wish they hadn't. 56 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:48,643 I saw too much, I heard too much. 57 00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:52,768 I knew I didn't want that to be Sekou's story. 58 00:02:52,792 --> 00:02:54,559 I wanted Sekou to know 59 00:02:54,583 --> 00:02:57,726 what it was like to see two parents who got along, 60 00:02:57,750 --> 00:03:00,643 two parents who worked together as a team. 61 00:03:00,667 --> 00:03:01,934 I wanted him to know 62 00:03:01,958 --> 00:03:04,625 what love looks like in its truest form. 63 00:03:06,458 --> 00:03:09,851 Love is patient, love is kind. 64 00:03:09,875 --> 00:03:12,934 Love does not anger easily, 65 00:03:12,958 --> 00:03:15,351 it keeps no wrongs. 66 00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:18,726 Love always protects, 67 00:03:18,750 --> 00:03:22,667 always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 68 00:03:25,750 --> 00:03:27,542 Shaka Senghor: It was 1983. 69 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,292 I was 11 years old. 70 00:03:31,417 --> 00:03:35,018 I remember being in a basement with my father, 71 00:03:35,042 --> 00:03:37,893 in our home on the east side of Detroit. 72 00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:41,059 I watched him stuff albums 73 00:03:41,083 --> 00:03:44,684 into the blue and orange milk crates, 74 00:03:44,708 --> 00:03:46,917 as tears streamed from his eyes. 75 00:03:48,250 --> 00:03:50,667 Just before that, 76 00:03:51,625 --> 00:03:53,500 him and my mother 77 00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:57,518 had just sat me and my siblings down 78 00:03:57,542 --> 00:03:59,958 and told us that they were calling it quits. 79 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,792 Thirty years later, 80 00:04:03,875 --> 00:04:06,476 I found myself with tears in my eyes, 81 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:09,417 as I packed my belongings in our home. 82 00:04:11,833 --> 00:04:13,458 Ebony and I met 83 00:04:15,333 --> 00:04:17,917 while I was serving a 19-year prison sentence. 84 00:04:20,083 --> 00:04:21,559 For four years, 85 00:04:21,583 --> 00:04:26,226 we used letters, phone calls and visits 86 00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:30,333 to build what we had imagined to be an unshakeable bond. 87 00:04:31,625 --> 00:04:34,101 We fought the system together, 88 00:04:34,125 --> 00:04:38,250 and we thought that we would be able to right the wrongs of our parents. 89 00:04:39,292 --> 00:04:41,143 She was a poet, 90 00:04:41,167 --> 00:04:43,059 I was a writer. 91 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:46,518 She was gorgeous, with a PhD. 92 00:04:46,542 --> 00:04:48,351 I was handsome, 93 00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:49,643 with a GED. 94 00:04:49,667 --> 00:04:53,934 (Laughter) 95 00:04:53,958 --> 00:04:56,684 We built something magical. 96 00:04:56,708 --> 00:04:59,893 We built something that we thought would endure. 97 00:04:59,917 --> 00:05:01,768 But unfortunately, 98 00:05:01,792 --> 00:05:06,059 our relationship became unhinged when I was released from prison. 99 00:05:06,083 --> 00:05:08,792 Post-traumatic stress syndrome, 100 00:05:10,167 --> 00:05:12,542 trauma from prior to going to prison, 101 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,809 baggage from her relationship, 102 00:05:16,833 --> 00:05:19,726 my inexperience in a relationship 103 00:05:19,750 --> 00:05:24,167 undid the magic of what we built behind the walls. 104 00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:28,292 Centered in all of that 105 00:05:29,083 --> 00:05:30,583 was our beautiful boy. 106 00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:34,625 I remember when we first brought Sekou home. 107 00:05:35,750 --> 00:05:37,434 It was so exciting, it was amazing, 108 00:05:37,458 --> 00:05:39,268 we worked together, we collaborated, 109 00:05:39,292 --> 00:05:40,643 we supported each other. 110 00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:44,309 You took the night shift, I took the morning shift. 111 00:05:44,333 --> 00:05:46,083 And it was going amazing. 112 00:05:47,667 --> 00:05:49,250 And then it all changed. 113 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:54,268 It changed the morning that you came in really excited, you was like, 114 00:05:54,292 --> 00:05:56,351 "Hey, I'm going back to work! 115 00:05:56,375 --> 00:05:57,875 Aren't you excited?" 116 00:05:58,917 --> 00:06:02,226 And I was like, "Yes. I am ecstatic right now. 117 00:06:02,250 --> 00:06:03,559 (Laughter) 118 00:06:03,583 --> 00:06:05,417 I cannot be more delighted." 119 00:06:07,292 --> 00:06:09,583 But inside, I was really afraid. 120 00:06:10,458 --> 00:06:12,083 But I couldn't tell you that. 121 00:06:13,375 --> 00:06:14,643 So instead, I said, 122 00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:16,583 "Hey, go off and have a wonderful day." 123 00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:22,309 And you left, 124 00:06:22,333 --> 00:06:24,333 and I was left with Sekou. 125 00:06:26,292 --> 00:06:28,476 What I understand now about that moment 126 00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,893 is that we were fostering a trust 127 00:06:30,917 --> 00:06:34,125 that's necessary for parents to coexist. 128 00:06:35,125 --> 00:06:38,333 And that you were trusting me with our most precious gift. 129 00:06:39,375 --> 00:06:43,643 And that you were building the foundation and the blocks for what's important 130 00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:46,417 for this portal we call parenthood. 131 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:52,518 ER: Knowing how our parents' breakups impacted us, 132 00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,163 you know, we were really sensitive 133 00:06:54,177 --> 00:06:56,417 about how our breakup would impact Sekou. 134 00:06:59,250 --> 00:07:01,101 We struggled, 135 00:07:01,125 --> 00:07:02,542 but we found our way. 136 00:07:04,208 --> 00:07:05,893 And let Sekou tell it, 137 00:07:05,917 --> 00:07:08,184 we're the best parents in the world. 138 00:07:08,208 --> 00:07:10,601 I love that he sees us that way. 139 00:07:10,625 --> 00:07:12,768 We made a choice in the beginning 140 00:07:12,792 --> 00:07:16,976 to coparent as allies and not adversaries. 141 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,101 To break the toxic pattern 142 00:07:19,125 --> 00:07:21,934 that we see play out over and over again 143 00:07:21,958 --> 00:07:25,809 when parents lose focus on what's most important, 144 00:07:25,833 --> 00:07:27,101 the children. 145 00:07:27,125 --> 00:07:30,143 They allow their relationship pain to get in the way. 146 00:07:30,167 --> 00:07:32,601 But at the end of the day, we're on the same team, 147 00:07:32,625 --> 00:07:34,417 and that's Sekou's team. 148 00:07:35,750 --> 00:07:37,434 You know, I have to admit, 149 00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:39,351 we have an unconventional relationship 150 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:41,768 a lot of people don't understand. 151 00:07:41,792 --> 00:07:45,309 We're not perfect as parents or people. 152 00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:48,125 But we honor each other's role in Sekou's life. 153 00:07:49,542 --> 00:07:51,768 We allow him to do things 154 00:07:51,792 --> 00:07:54,851 that our parents would never allow us to do. 155 00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:58,667 We don't allow our fears to put limits on him. 156 00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:03,184 We nurture his natural curiosity about the universe 157 00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:05,809 and his relationship to the world. 158 00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:09,018 Remember that time when we were coming in from a long day at work, 159 00:08:09,042 --> 00:08:12,518 and Sekou found a puddle outside, 160 00:08:12,542 --> 00:08:14,018 a puddle of mud, mind you. 161 00:08:14,042 --> 00:08:18,059 Had a brand new fresh outfit on, Levi's from head to toe. 162 00:08:18,083 --> 00:08:21,643 And he found this puddle of mud, and he reached for it. 163 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:25,101 And he wanted to touch the muddy earth, and we allowed him to do that. 164 00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:28,226 We resisted the urge to say no, 165 00:08:28,250 --> 00:08:30,143 and in fact, went and got him a shovel, 166 00:08:30,167 --> 00:08:32,351 and allowed him to feel the earth's properties 167 00:08:32,375 --> 00:08:34,768 and explore as much as he wanted to, and he played, 168 00:08:34,792 --> 00:08:36,643 and was as happy as a pig in mud. 169 00:08:36,667 --> 00:08:37,726 (Laughter) 170 00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:40,393 We realized that the outfit could be washed, 171 00:08:40,417 --> 00:08:43,018 that a bath would clean up all the dirt, 172 00:08:43,042 --> 00:08:45,851 but the thrill of being in the moment, 173 00:08:45,875 --> 00:08:47,143 of being able to touch 174 00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:51,184 and be amazed at this thing that he had never discovered before 175 00:08:51,208 --> 00:08:55,417 was more valuable than the clothes or the dirt that could be washed away. 176 00:08:56,792 --> 00:09:00,726 We continue to rethink what is right and wrong 177 00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:02,809 when it comes to parenting. 178 00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:05,768 Sekou challenges us every day. 179 00:09:05,792 --> 00:09:09,934 You know, we allow him to climb on couches 180 00:09:09,958 --> 00:09:13,518 and draw on his clothes and his shoes, 181 00:09:13,542 --> 00:09:16,917 let him run around the store -- well, I do, anyway. 182 00:09:17,917 --> 00:09:21,976 And I get the death stares from other mamas who look at me 183 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,934 and who think that children should be quiet and well-behaved in public. 184 00:09:25,958 --> 00:09:28,768 I also get those questions that are really judgments, 185 00:09:28,792 --> 00:09:30,976 but I don't pay them any mind. 186 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,768 Because at the end of the day, 187 00:09:32,792 --> 00:09:37,684 our job is to guide Sekou on this journey of life, 188 00:09:37,708 --> 00:09:39,643 not to control him. 189 00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:43,351 We're here to help him figure out his place in the world, 190 00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:46,601 to uncover his greatest gifts, 191 00:09:46,625 --> 00:09:49,351 to discover why he was born. 192 00:09:49,375 --> 00:09:51,309 We are raising a free black boy 193 00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:53,684 in a world that despises black joy, 194 00:09:53,708 --> 00:09:57,250 and we refuse to put limits on him that the world already has. 195 00:10:00,083 --> 00:10:03,309 SS: Our parenting can be seen as an allegory 196 00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:06,684 for this two-sided coin of possibilities. 197 00:10:06,708 --> 00:10:08,000 On one side, 198 00:10:09,250 --> 00:10:12,684 the reality of raising a black boy in a society 199 00:10:12,708 --> 00:10:16,726 that says that black boys, black bodies and black lives 200 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:20,208 only seen as profitable or disposable. 201 00:10:21,542 --> 00:10:23,375 And then there's the other side. 202 00:10:24,292 --> 00:10:27,268 Possibility of two parents who are no longer together 203 00:10:27,292 --> 00:10:30,184 coexisting, supporting each other, 204 00:10:30,208 --> 00:10:33,393 loving each other, showing affection publicly 205 00:10:33,417 --> 00:10:36,333 in a way that honors the relationship with our son. 206 00:10:38,375 --> 00:10:39,976 And even more importantly 207 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,601 is the power to support each other in all those vulnerable moments. 208 00:10:43,625 --> 00:10:45,726 There was this one time 209 00:10:45,750 --> 00:10:48,750 that it was my day to go pick up Sekou, you remember that time? 210 00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:52,309 I go pick Sekou up, he's in first grade, 211 00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:53,643 and as I'm walking up, 212 00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:57,184 another parent walks up and says, "Hey, Shaka. 213 00:10:57,208 --> 00:10:59,726 I seen Oprah Winfrey give a shout-out to you 214 00:10:59,750 --> 00:11:01,292 on CNN last night." 215 00:11:02,250 --> 00:11:05,083 She was super excited, exuberant even. 216 00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,583 I was mortified. 217 00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:12,476 Because I thought, what's going to happen when she tells another parent, 218 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,309 and they tell another parent, 219 00:11:14,333 --> 00:11:16,518 and then they go and look me up 220 00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:17,809 and then they discover 221 00:11:17,833 --> 00:11:20,393 that I was in prison for second-degree murder. 222 00:11:20,417 --> 00:11:22,643 And then their child hears about it. 223 00:11:22,667 --> 00:11:26,351 And they come to school, and they say to Sekou, 224 00:11:26,375 --> 00:11:29,042 "Your dad was convicted of murdering someone." 225 00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:34,018 And I remember, as watching Sekou race out, 226 00:11:34,042 --> 00:11:36,083 and I knew that I had to call Ebony. 227 00:11:37,125 --> 00:11:40,476 When I called her, I explained to her what happened, 228 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,458 Ebony said, "You have to have the talk." 229 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,518 So I took Sekou home, 230 00:11:46,542 --> 00:11:48,559 got him ready for bed, 231 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,667 and we talked for half an hour. 232 00:11:51,833 --> 00:11:54,476 I talked to him about why I went to prison. 233 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:56,809 And I listened to his feedback. 234 00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:59,851 And then we called his mom so we can do our nightly ritual 235 00:11:59,875 --> 00:12:02,476 of her offering prayer 236 00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,143 and then me doing affirmations. 237 00:12:05,167 --> 00:12:07,500 And I remember holding him tightly. 238 00:12:08,375 --> 00:12:11,934 And I realized the importance of the affirmations that we do at night. 239 00:12:11,958 --> 00:12:15,268 And I see them as a road map, as a guide, 240 00:12:15,292 --> 00:12:20,018 as a touchstone for other parents to protect 241 00:12:20,042 --> 00:12:22,434 and to empower their children, 242 00:12:22,458 --> 00:12:26,143 especially in a world where it's very difficult. 243 00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:29,518 For us, coparenting is so much more 244 00:12:29,542 --> 00:12:32,226 than scheduling pick-up and drop-off, 245 00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:34,059 playdates, 246 00:12:34,083 --> 00:12:37,184 deciding what he's going to wear, what he's going to eat. 247 00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:40,226 For us, it's about helping each other carry the weight, 248 00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:42,059 unpack the load, 249 00:12:42,083 --> 00:12:46,309 and to show up in the world in a way that honors the beauty 250 00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:48,143 of our son. 251 00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:51,375 And it's for these reasons that we do affirmations. 252 00:12:52,458 --> 00:12:54,893 ER: We never though we'd be here. 253 00:12:54,917 --> 00:12:56,434 But here we are. 254 00:12:56,458 --> 00:13:00,059 And we hope that the way that we show up for Sekou 255 00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:01,351 and for each other 256 00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:05,101 is a model of what successful coparenting can look like. 257 00:13:05,125 --> 00:13:08,809 We'd like to bring you all in to this nightly ritual of affirmations 258 00:13:08,833 --> 00:13:12,250 that Shaka does with Sekou every night at bedtime. 259 00:13:14,958 --> 00:13:16,226 SS: Hey. 260 00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:21,792 (Applause) 261 00:13:23,625 --> 00:13:25,309 SS: I am great. Sekou: I am great. 262 00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:27,143 SS: I am awesome. Sekou: I am awesome. 263 00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:28,893 SS: I'm amazing. Sekou: I'm amazing. 264 00:13:28,917 --> 00:13:30,976 SS: I am thoughtful. Sekou: I am thoughtful. 265 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,518 SS: I am kind. Sekou: I am kind. 266 00:13:32,542 --> 00:13:34,226 SS: I am loving. Sekou: I am loving. 267 00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:35,934 SS: I am caring. Sekou: I am caring. 268 00:13:35,958 --> 00:13:37,559 SS: I am funny. Sekou: I am funny. 269 00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:39,155 SS: I'm smart. Sekou: I'm smart. 270 00:13:39,179 --> 00:13:41,037 SS: I'm a big boy. Sekou: I'm a big boy. 271 00:13:41,061 --> 00:13:42,976 SS: I'm a soldier. Sekou: I'm a soldier. 272 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,934 SS: I'm a warrior. Sekou: I'm a warrior. 273 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,559 SS: I am Sekou. Sekou: I am Sekou. 274 00:13:46,583 --> 00:13:52,643 (Cheers and applause) 275 00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:53,917 ER: Good job, baby.