0:00:01.667,0:00:06.059 Ebony Roberts: I remember[br]watching my father raise the pistol 0:00:06.083,0:00:07.333 to my mother's head. 0:00:08.083,0:00:11.643 She pleaded with him to put the gun down, 0:00:11.667,0:00:12.917 but he ignored her. 0:00:14.500,0:00:18.143 When she bolted toward the door,[br]he followed close behind 0:00:18.167,0:00:21.917 and once outside,[br]he fired one single shot. 0:00:22.958,0:00:24.208 I was 12. 0:00:25.000,0:00:27.875 I remember this moment frame by frame. 0:00:28.667,0:00:30.458 I remember feeling numb. 0:00:31.167,0:00:33.417 I remember feeling alone. 0:00:34.958,0:00:37.184 Thank God, the bullet missed her, 0:00:37.208,0:00:39.583 but my family would never be the same. 0:00:40.500,0:00:42.583 I would never be the same. 0:00:44.083,0:00:46.726 I didn't know then all the ways 0:00:46.750,0:00:50.851 that my parents' on-again,[br]off-again relationship would impact me, 0:00:50.875,0:00:54.184 but I knew I didn't want[br]a love like theirs. 0:00:54.208,0:00:56.292 My story would be different. 0:00:57.250,0:01:00.351 Years later, when I met you, 0:01:00.375,0:01:02.476 I fell madly in love. 0:01:02.500,0:01:05.184 Our connection was undeniable. 0:01:05.208,0:01:08.250 It was as if you had been[br]hand-picked just for me. 0:01:09.542,0:01:12.143 I thought we'd be together forever. 0:01:12.167,0:01:15.434 But we struggled with some[br]of the same issues my parents had, 0:01:15.458,0:01:17.809 and after nearly nine years together, 0:01:17.833,0:01:19.083 we called it quits. 0:01:19.958,0:01:22.018 We had Sekou then. 0:01:22.042,0:01:23.851 He was only three. 0:01:23.875,0:01:27.351 Though he was too young[br]to really understand what was going on, 0:01:27.375,0:01:28.809 he was old enough to know 0:01:28.833,0:01:30.101 that mommy and daddy 0:01:30.125,0:01:32.750 were not going to be living[br]in the same house anymore. 0:01:33.750,0:01:35.875 Our breakup hit me really hard. 0:01:40.375,0:01:42.018 But I decided 0:01:42.042,0:01:46.792 I wouldn't let my broken heart[br]get in the way of what was best for Sekou. 0:01:47.625,0:01:50.476 We struggled initially,[br]trying to navigate this new space 0:01:50.500,0:01:51.750 as coparents. 0:01:53.542,0:01:55.476 I asked myself, 0:01:55.500,0:02:00.351 how do we raise this beautiful boy[br]full of wonder and promise 0:02:00.375,0:02:01.934 and so much power, 0:02:01.958,0:02:03.958 in spite of our failures as a couple? 0:02:04.917,0:02:07.375 The answer for me was simple. 0:02:08.750,0:02:10.393 I could either choose fear, 0:02:10.417,0:02:11.976 fear of being alone, 0:02:12.000,0:02:14.101 fear of the unknown, 0:02:14.125,0:02:15.684 or choose love. 0:02:15.708,0:02:17.768 And I chose love. 0:02:17.792,0:02:21.601 That means seeing[br]the good in you as a father. 0:02:21.625,0:02:24.434 It means seeing[br]the good in you as a father 0:02:24.458,0:02:26.976 and not your missteps as a partner. 0:02:27.000,0:02:29.684 It means putting Sekou first every time, 0:02:29.708,0:02:31.833 even if it means I don't get my way. 0:02:33.083,0:02:36.684 I know my parents went back and forth 0:02:36.708,0:02:40.917 trying to work things out[br]for my brother and I's sake. 0:02:42.083,0:02:43.893 Though I appreciate their effort, 0:02:43.917,0:02:45.476 I wish they hadn't. 0:02:45.500,0:02:48.643 I saw too much, I heard too much. 0:02:48.667,0:02:52.768 I knew I didn't want[br]that to be Sekou's story. 0:02:52.792,0:02:54.559 I wanted Sekou to know 0:02:54.583,0:02:57.726 what it was like to see[br]two parents who got along, 0:02:57.750,0:03:00.643 two parents who worked together as a team. 0:03:00.667,0:03:01.934 I wanted him to know 0:03:01.958,0:03:04.625 what love looks like in its truest form. 0:03:06.458,0:03:09.851 Love is patient, love is kind. 0:03:09.875,0:03:12.934 Love does not anger easily, 0:03:12.958,0:03:15.351 it keeps no wrongs. 0:03:15.375,0:03:18.726 Love always protects, 0:03:18.750,0:03:22.667 always trusts, always hopes,[br]always perseveres. 0:03:25.750,0:03:27.542 Shaka Senghor: It was 1983. 0:03:28.667,0:03:30.292 I was 11 years old. 0:03:31.417,0:03:35.018 I remember being in a basement[br]with my father, 0:03:35.042,0:03:37.893 in our home on the east side of Detroit. 0:03:37.917,0:03:41.059 I watched him stuff albums 0:03:41.083,0:03:44.684 into the blue and orange milk crates, 0:03:44.708,0:03:46.917 as tears streamed from his eyes. 0:03:48.250,0:03:50.667 Just before that, 0:03:51.625,0:03:53.500 him and my mother 0:03:54.667,0:03:57.518 had just sat me and my siblings down 0:03:57.542,0:03:59.958 and told us that they[br]were calling it quits. 0:04:01.208,0:04:02.792 Thirty years later, 0:04:03.875,0:04:06.476 I found myself with tears in my eyes, 0:04:06.500,0:04:09.417 as I packed my belongings in our home. 0:04:11.833,0:04:13.458 Ebony and I met 0:04:15.333,0:04:17.917 while I was serving[br]a 19-year prison sentence. 0:04:20.083,0:04:21.559 For four years, 0:04:21.583,0:04:26.226 we used letters, phone calls and visits 0:04:26.250,0:04:30.333 to build what we had imagined[br]to be an unshakeable bond. 0:04:31.625,0:04:34.101 We fought the system together, 0:04:34.125,0:04:38.250 and we thought that we would be able[br]to right the wrongs of our parents. 0:04:39.292,0:04:41.143 She was a poet, 0:04:41.167,0:04:43.059 I was a writer. 0:04:43.083,0:04:46.518 She was gorgeous, with a PhD. 0:04:46.542,0:04:48.351 I was handsome, 0:04:48.375,0:04:49.643 with a GED. 0:04:49.667,0:04:53.934 (Laughter) 0:04:53.958,0:04:56.684 We built something magical. 0:04:56.708,0:04:59.893 We built something[br]that we thought would endure. 0:04:59.917,0:05:01.768 But unfortunately, 0:05:01.792,0:05:06.059 our relationship became unhinged[br]when I was released from prison. 0:05:06.083,0:05:08.792 Post-traumatic stress syndrome, 0:05:10.167,0:05:12.542 trauma from prior to going to prison, 0:05:14.500,0:05:16.809 baggage from her relationship, 0:05:16.833,0:05:19.726 my inexperience in a relationship 0:05:19.750,0:05:24.167 undid the magic of what we built[br]behind the walls. 0:05:26.292,0:05:28.292 Centered in all of that 0:05:29.083,0:05:30.583 was our beautiful boy. 0:05:32.250,0:05:34.625 I remember when we first[br]brought Sekou home. 0:05:35.750,0:05:37.434 It was so exciting, it was amazing, 0:05:37.458,0:05:39.268 we worked together, we collaborated, 0:05:39.292,0:05:40.643 we supported each other. 0:05:40.667,0:05:44.309 You took the night shift,[br]I took the morning shift. 0:05:44.333,0:05:46.083 And it was going amazing. 0:05:47.667,0:05:49.250 And then it all changed. 0:05:51.000,0:05:54.268 It changed the morning that you came in[br]really excited, you was like, 0:05:54.292,0:05:56.351 "Hey, I'm going back to work! 0:05:56.375,0:05:57.875 Aren't you excited?" 0:05:58.917,0:06:02.226 And I was like, "Yes.[br]I am ecstatic right now. 0:06:02.250,0:06:03.559 (Laughter) 0:06:03.583,0:06:05.417 I cannot be more delighted." 0:06:07.292,0:06:09.583 But inside, I was really afraid. 0:06:10.458,0:06:12.083 But I couldn't tell you that. 0:06:13.375,0:06:14.643 So instead, I said, 0:06:14.667,0:06:16.583 "Hey, go off and have a wonderful day." 0:06:20.417,0:06:22.309 And you left, 0:06:22.333,0:06:24.333 and I was left with Sekou. 0:06:26.292,0:06:28.476 What I understand now about that moment 0:06:28.500,0:06:30.893 is that we were fostering a trust 0:06:30.917,0:06:34.125 that's necessary for parents to coexist. 0:06:35.125,0:06:38.333 And that you were trusting me[br]with our most precious gift. 0:06:39.375,0:06:43.643 And that you were building the foundation[br]and the blocks for what's important 0:06:43.667,0:06:46.417 for this portal we call parenthood. 0:06:48.375,0:06:52.518 ER: Knowing how our parents'[br]breakups impacted us, 0:06:52.542,0:06:54.163 you know, we were really sensitive 0:06:54.177,0:06:56.417 about how our breakup would impact Sekou. 0:06:59.250,0:07:01.101 We struggled, 0:07:01.125,0:07:02.542 but we found our way. 0:07:04.208,0:07:05.893 And let Sekou tell it, 0:07:05.917,0:07:08.184 we're the best parents in the world. 0:07:08.208,0:07:10.601 I love that he sees us that way. 0:07:10.625,0:07:12.768 We made a choice in the beginning 0:07:12.792,0:07:16.976 to coparent as allies and not adversaries. 0:07:17.000,0:07:19.101 To break the toxic pattern 0:07:19.125,0:07:21.934 that we see play out over and over again 0:07:21.958,0:07:25.809 when parents lose focus[br]on what's most important, 0:07:25.833,0:07:27.101 the children. 0:07:27.125,0:07:30.143 They allow their relationship pain[br]to get in the way. 0:07:30.167,0:07:32.601 But at the end of the day,[br]we're on the same team, 0:07:32.625,0:07:34.417 and that's Sekou's team. 0:07:35.750,0:07:37.434 You know, I have to admit, 0:07:37.458,0:07:39.351 we have an unconventional relationship 0:07:39.375,0:07:41.768 a lot of people don't understand. 0:07:41.792,0:07:45.309 We're not perfect as parents or people. 0:07:45.333,0:07:48.125 But we honor each other's role[br]in Sekou's life. 0:07:49.542,0:07:51.768 We allow him to do things 0:07:51.792,0:07:54.851 that our parents[br]would never allow us to do. 0:07:54.875,0:07:58.667 We don't allow our fears[br]to put limits on him. 0:07:59.750,0:08:03.184 We nurture his natural curiosity[br]about the universe 0:08:03.208,0:08:05.809 and his relationship to the world. 0:08:05.833,0:08:09.018 Remember that time when we were[br]coming in from a long day at work, 0:08:09.042,0:08:12.518 and Sekou found a puddle outside, 0:08:12.542,0:08:14.018 a puddle of mud, mind you. 0:08:14.042,0:08:18.059 Had a brand new fresh outfit on,[br]Levi's from head to toe. 0:08:18.083,0:08:21.643 And he found this puddle of mud,[br]and he reached for it. 0:08:21.667,0:08:25.101 And he wanted to touch the muddy earth,[br]and we allowed him to do that. 0:08:25.125,0:08:28.226 We resisted the urge to say no, 0:08:28.250,0:08:30.143 and in fact, went and got him a shovel, 0:08:30.167,0:08:32.351 and allowed him[br]to feel the earth's properties 0:08:32.375,0:08:34.768 and explore as much[br]as he wanted to, and he played, 0:08:34.792,0:08:36.643 and was as happy as a pig in mud. 0:08:36.667,0:08:37.726 (Laughter) 0:08:37.750,0:08:40.393 We realized that the outfit[br]could be washed, 0:08:40.417,0:08:43.018 that a bath would clean up all the dirt, 0:08:43.042,0:08:45.851 but the thrill of being in the moment, 0:08:45.875,0:08:47.143 of being able to touch 0:08:47.167,0:08:51.184 and be amazed at this thing[br]that he had never discovered before 0:08:51.208,0:08:55.417 was more valuable than the clothes[br]or the dirt that could be washed away. 0:08:56.792,0:09:00.726 We continue to rethink[br]what is right and wrong 0:09:00.750,0:09:02.809 when it comes to parenting. 0:09:02.833,0:09:05.768 Sekou challenges us every day. 0:09:05.792,0:09:09.934 You know, we allow him to climb on couches 0:09:09.958,0:09:13.518 and draw on his clothes and his shoes, 0:09:13.542,0:09:16.917 let him run around the store --[br]well, I do, anyway. 0:09:17.917,0:09:21.976 And I get the death stares[br]from other mamas who look at me 0:09:22.000,0:09:25.934 and who think that children should be[br]quiet and well-behaved in public. 0:09:25.958,0:09:28.768 I also get those questions[br]that are really judgments, 0:09:28.792,0:09:30.976 but I don't pay them any mind. 0:09:31.000,0:09:32.768 Because at the end of the day, 0:09:32.792,0:09:37.684 our job is to guide Sekou[br]on this journey of life, 0:09:37.708,0:09:39.643 not to control him. 0:09:39.667,0:09:43.351 We're here to help him[br]figure out his place in the world, 0:09:43.375,0:09:46.601 to uncover his greatest gifts, 0:09:46.625,0:09:49.351 to discover why he was born. 0:09:49.375,0:09:51.309 We are raising a free black boy 0:09:51.333,0:09:53.684 in a world that despises black joy, 0:09:53.708,0:09:57.250 and we refuse to put limits on him[br]that the world already has. 0:10:00.083,0:10:03.309 SS: Our parenting[br]can be seen as an allegory 0:10:03.333,0:10:06.684 for this two-sided coin of possibilities. 0:10:06.708,0:10:08.000 On one side, 0:10:09.250,0:10:12.684 the reality of raising[br]a black boy in a society 0:10:12.708,0:10:16.726 that says that black boys,[br]black bodies and black lives 0:10:16.750,0:10:20.208 only seen as profitable or disposable. 0:10:21.542,0:10:23.375 And then there's the other side. 0:10:24.292,0:10:27.268 Possibility of two parents[br]who are no longer together 0:10:27.292,0:10:30.184 coexisting, supporting each other, 0:10:30.208,0:10:33.393 loving each other,[br]showing affection publicly 0:10:33.417,0:10:36.333 in a way that honors[br]the relationship with our son. 0:10:38.375,0:10:39.976 And even more importantly 0:10:40.000,0:10:43.601 is the power to support each other[br]in all those vulnerable moments. 0:10:43.625,0:10:45.726 There was this one time 0:10:45.750,0:10:48.750 that it was my day to go pick up Sekou,[br]you remember that time? 0:10:49.583,0:10:52.309 I go pick Sekou up, he's in first grade, 0:10:52.333,0:10:53.643 and as I'm walking up, 0:10:53.667,0:10:57.184 another parent walks up[br]and says, "Hey, Shaka. 0:10:57.208,0:10:59.726 I seen Oprah Winfrey[br]give a shout-out to you 0:10:59.750,0:11:01.292 on CNN last night." 0:11:02.250,0:11:05.083 She was super excited, exuberant even. 0:11:06.083,0:11:07.583 I was mortified. 0:11:08.333,0:11:12.476 Because I thought, what's going to happen[br]when she tells another parent, 0:11:12.500,0:11:14.309 and they tell another parent, 0:11:14.333,0:11:16.518 and then they go and look me up 0:11:16.542,0:11:17.809 and then they discover 0:11:17.833,0:11:20.393 that I was in prison[br]for second-degree murder. 0:11:20.417,0:11:22.643 And then their child hears about it. 0:11:22.667,0:11:26.351 And they come to school,[br]and they say to Sekou, 0:11:26.375,0:11:29.042 "Your dad was convicted[br]of murdering someone." 0:11:30.833,0:11:34.018 And I remember,[br]as watching Sekou race out, 0:11:34.042,0:11:36.083 and I knew that I had to call Ebony. 0:11:37.125,0:11:40.476 When I called her,[br]I explained to her what happened, 0:11:40.500,0:11:42.458 Ebony said, "You have to have the talk." 0:11:44.000,0:11:46.518 So I took Sekou home, 0:11:46.542,0:11:48.559 got him ready for bed, 0:11:48.583,0:11:50.667 and we talked for half an hour. 0:11:51.833,0:11:54.476 I talked to him[br]about why I went to prison. 0:11:54.500,0:11:56.809 And I listened to his feedback. 0:11:56.833,0:11:59.851 And then we called his mom[br]so we can do our nightly ritual 0:11:59.875,0:12:02.476 of her offering prayer 0:12:02.500,0:12:05.143 and then me doing affirmations. 0:12:05.167,0:12:07.500 And I remember holding him tightly. 0:12:08.375,0:12:11.934 And I realized the importance[br]of the affirmations that we do at night. 0:12:11.958,0:12:15.268 And I see them as a road map, as a guide, 0:12:15.292,0:12:20.018 as a touchstone[br]for other parents to protect 0:12:20.042,0:12:22.434 and to empower their children, 0:12:22.458,0:12:26.143 especially in a world[br]where it's very difficult. 0:12:26.167,0:12:29.518 For us, coparenting is so much more 0:12:29.542,0:12:32.226 than scheduling pick-up and drop-off, 0:12:32.250,0:12:34.059 playdates, 0:12:34.083,0:12:37.184 deciding what he's going to wear,[br]what he's going to eat. 0:12:37.208,0:12:40.226 For us, it's about helping[br]each other carry the weight, 0:12:40.250,0:12:42.059 unpack the load, 0:12:42.083,0:12:46.309 and to show up in the world[br]in a way that honors the beauty 0:12:46.333,0:12:48.143 of our son. 0:12:48.167,0:12:51.375 And it's for these reasons[br]that we do affirmations. 0:12:52.458,0:12:54.893 ER: We never though we'd be here. 0:12:54.917,0:12:56.434 But here we are. 0:12:56.458,0:13:00.059 And we hope that the way[br]that we show up for Sekou 0:13:00.083,0:13:01.351 and for each other 0:13:01.375,0:13:05.101 is a model of what successful[br]coparenting can look like. 0:13:05.125,0:13:08.809 We'd like to bring you all in[br]to this nightly ritual of affirmations 0:13:08.833,0:13:12.250 that Shaka does with Sekou[br]every night at bedtime. 0:13:14.958,0:13:16.226 SS: Hey. 0:13:16.250,0:13:21.792 (Applause) 0:13:23.625,0:13:25.309 SS: I am great.[br]Sekou: I am great. 0:13:25.333,0:13:27.143 SS: I am awesome.[br]Sekou: I am awesome. 0:13:27.167,0:13:28.893 SS: I'm amazing.[br]Sekou: I'm amazing. 0:13:28.917,0:13:30.976 SS: I am thoughtful.[br]Sekou: I am thoughtful. 0:13:31.000,0:13:32.518 SS: I am kind.[br]Sekou: I am kind. 0:13:32.542,0:13:34.226 SS: I am loving.[br]Sekou: I am loving. 0:13:34.250,0:13:35.934 SS: I am caring.[br]Sekou: I am caring. 0:13:35.958,0:13:37.559 SS: I am funny.[br]Sekou: I am funny. 0:13:37.583,0:13:39.155 SS: I'm smart.[br]Sekou: I'm smart. 0:13:39.179,0:13:41.037 SS: I'm a big boy.[br]Sekou: I'm a big boy. 0:13:41.061,0:13:42.976 SS: I'm a soldier.[br]Sekou: I'm a soldier. 0:13:43.000,0:13:44.934 SS: I'm a warrior.[br]Sekou: I'm a warrior. 0:13:44.958,0:13:46.559 SS: I am Sekou.[br]Sekou: I am Sekou. 0:13:46.583,0:13:52.643 (Cheers and applause) 0:13:52.667,0:13:53.917 ER: Good job, baby.