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Ebony Roberts: I remember
watching my father raise the pistol

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to my mother's head.

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She pleaded with him to put the gun down,

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but he ignored her.

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When she bolted toward the door,
he followed close behind

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and once outside,
he fired one single shot.

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I was 12.

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I remember this moment frame by frame.

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I remember feeling numb.

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I remember feeling alone.

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Thank God, the bullet missed her,

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but my family would never be the same.

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I would never be the same.

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I didn't know then all the ways

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that my parents's on-again
off-again relationship would impact me

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but I knew I didn't want
a love like theirs.

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My story would be different.

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Years later, when I met you,

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I fell madly in love.

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Our connection was undeniable.

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It was as if you had been
hand-picked just for me.

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I thought we'd be together forever.

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But we struggled with some
of the same issues my parents had,

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and after nearly nine years together,

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we called it quits.

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We had Sekou then.

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He was only three.

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Though he was too young
to really understand what was going on,

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he was old enough to know

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that mommy and daddy

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were not going to be living
in the same house anymore.

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Our break up hit me really hard.

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But I decided

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I wouldn't let my broken heart
get in the way of what was best for Sekou.

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We struggled initially,
trying to navigate this new space

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as coparents.

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I asked myself,

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how do we raise this beautiful boy
full of wonder and promise

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and so much power,

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in spite of our failures as a couple?

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The answer for me was simple.

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I could either choose fear,

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fear of being alone,

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fear of the unknown,

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or choose love.

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And I chose love.

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That means seeing
the good in you as a father.

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It means seeing
the good in you as a father

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and not your missteps as a partner.

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It means putting Sekou first every time,

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even if it means I don't get my way.

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I know my parents went back and forth

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trying to work things out
for my brother and I's sake.

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Though I appreciate their effort,

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I wish they hadn't.

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I saw too much, I heard too much.

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I knew I didn't want
that to be Sekou's story.

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I wanted Sekou to know

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what it was like to see
two parents who got along,

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two parents who worked together as a team.

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I wanted him to know

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what love looks like in its truest form.

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Love is patient, love is kind

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love does not anger easily,

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it keeps no wrongs.

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Love always protects,

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always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres.

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Shaka Senghor: It was 1983.

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I was 11 years old.

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I remember being in a basement
with my father,

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in our home on the east side of Detroit.

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I watched him stuff albums

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into the blue and orange milk crates,

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as tears [unclear] from his eyes.

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Just before that,

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him and my mother

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had just sat me and my siblings down

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and told us that they
were calling it quits.

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Thirty years later,

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I found myself with tears in my eyes,

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as I packed my belongings in our home.

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Ebony and I met

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while I was serving
a 19-year prison sentence.

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For four years,

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we used letters, phone calls and visits

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to build what we imagined
to be an unshakeable bond.

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We fought the system together,

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and we thought that we would be able
to right the wrongs of our parents.

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She was a poet,

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I was a writer.

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She was gorgeous, with a PhD.

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I was handsome,

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with a GED.

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(Laughter)

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We built something magical.

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We built something
that we thought would endure.

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But unfortunately,

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our relationship became unhinged
when I was released from prison.

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Post-traumatic stress syndrome,

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trauma from prior to going to prison,

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baggage from her relationship,

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my inexperience in a relationship,

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undid the magic of what we built
behind the walls.

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Centered in all of that

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was our beautiful boy.

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I remember when we first
brought Sekou home.

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It was so exciting, it was amazing,

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we worked together, we collaborated,

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we supported each other.

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You took the night shift,
I took the morning shift.

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And it was going amazing.

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And then it all changed.

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It changed the morning that you came in
really excited, you was like,

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"Hey, I'm going back to work!

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Aren't you excited?"

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And I was like, "Yes,
I am ecstatic right now.

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(Laughter)

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I cannot be more delighted."

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But inside, I was really afraid.

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But I couldn't tell you that.

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So instead, I said,

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"Hey, go off and have a wonderful day."

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And you left,

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and I was left with Sekou.

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What I understand now about that moment

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is that we were fostering a trust

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that's necessary for parents to coexist.

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And that you were trusting me
with our most precious gift.

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And that you were building the foundation
and the blocks for what's important

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for this portal we call parenthood.

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ER: Knowing how our parents's
break ups impacted us,

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you know, we were sensitive
about how our break up

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would impact Sekou.

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We struggled,

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but we found our way.

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And let Sekou tell it,

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we're the best parents in the world.

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I love that he sees us that way.

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We made a choice in the beginning

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to coparent as allies and not adversaries.

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To break the toxic pattern

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that we see play out over and over again

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when parents lose focus
on what's most important,

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the children.

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They allow their relationship pain
to get in the way.

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But at the end of the day,
we're on the same team,

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and that's Sekou's team.

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You know, I have to admit,

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we have an unconventional relationship,

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a lot of people don't understand.

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We're not perfect as parents or people.

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But we honor each other's role
in Sekou's life.

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We allow him to do things

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that our parents
would never allow us to do.

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We don't allow our fears
to put limits on him.

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We nurture his natural curiosity
about the universe

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and his relationship to the world.

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Remember that time when we were
coming in from a long day at work,

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and Sekou found a puddle outside,

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a puddle of mud, mind you,

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had a brand new fresh outfit on,
Levi's from head to toe.

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And he found this puddle of mud
and he reached for it.

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And he wanted to touch the muddy earth

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and we allowed him to do that.

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We resisted the urge to say no,

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and in fact, went and got him a shovel,

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and allowed him to feel
the earth's properties

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and explore as much
as he wanted to, and he played,

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and was as happy as a pig in mud.

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(Laughter)

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We realized that the outfit
could be washed,

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that a bath would clean up all the dirt,

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but the thrill of being in the moment,

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of being able to touch

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and be amazed at this thing
that he had never discovered before

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was more valuable than the clothes
or the dirt that could be washed away.

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We continued to rethink
what is right and wrong

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when it comes to parenting.

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Sekou challenges us every day.

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You know, we allow him to climb on couches

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and draw on his clothes and his shoes,

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let him run around the store --
well, I do, anyway.

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And I get the death stares
from other mamas who look at me

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and who think that children should be
quiet and well-behaved in public.

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I also get those questions
that are really judgments,

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but I don't pay them any mind.

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Because at the end of the day,

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our job is to guide Sekou
on this journey of life,

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not to control him.

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We're here to help him
figure out his place in the world,

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to uncover his greatest gifts,

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to discover why he was born.

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We are raising a free black boy

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in a world that despises black joy,

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and we refuse to put limits on him
that the world already has.

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SS: Our parenting
can be seen as an allegory

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for this two-sided coin of possibilities.

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On one side,

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the reality of raising
a black boy in a society

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[unclear] the black boys,
black bodies and black lives

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only seen as profitable or disposable.

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And then there's the other side.

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Possibility of two parents
who are no longer together,

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coexisting, supporting each other,

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loving each other,
showing affection publicly,

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in a way that honors
the relationship with our son.

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And even more importantly

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is the power to support each other
in all those vulnerable moments.

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There was this one time,

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that it was my day to go pick up Sekou,
you remember that time?

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I go pick Sekou up, he's at first grade,

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and as I'm walking up,

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another parent walks up
and says, "Hey, Shaka.

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I saw Oprah Winfrey
give a shout out to you

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on CNN last night.

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00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:05,093
She was superexcited, exuberant even."

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00:11:06,101 --> 00:11:07,553
I was mortified.

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00:11:08,315 --> 00:11:12,474
Because I thought, what's going to happen
when she tells another parent

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and they tell another parent,

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and then they go and look me up,

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and then they discover

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00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:20,394
that I was in prison
for second-degree murder.

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And then their child hears about it.

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And they come to school
and they say to Sekou,

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00:11:26,364 --> 00:11:29,062
"Your dad was convicted
of murdering someone."

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And I remember,
as watching Sekou race out,

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00:11:34,039 --> 00:11:36,439
and I knew that I had to call Ebony.

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00:11:37,129 --> 00:11:40,479
When I called her,
explained to her what happened,

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Ebony said, "You have to have the talk."

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00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:46,519
So I took Sekou home,

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00:11:46,543 --> 00:11:48,580
got him ready for bed,

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00:11:48,604 --> 00:11:50,671
and we talked for half an hour.

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00:11:51,823 --> 00:11:54,486
I talked to him
about why I went to prison.

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00:11:54,510 --> 00:11:56,820
And I listened to his feedback.

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00:11:56,844 --> 00:11:59,867
And then we called his mom
so we can do our nightly ritual

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00:11:59,891 --> 00:12:02,463
of her offering prayer

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00:12:02,487 --> 00:12:04,553
and then me doing affirmations.

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00:12:05,157 --> 00:12:07,490
And I remember holding him tightly.

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00:12:08,355 --> 00:12:11,918
And I realized the importance
of the affirmations that we do at night.

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00:12:11,942 --> 00:12:15,251
And I see them as a road map, as a guide,

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as a touchstone
for other parents to protect

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00:12:20,062 --> 00:12:22,426
and to empower their children,

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00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,401
especially in a world
where it's very difficult.

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00:12:26,165 --> 00:12:29,506
For us, coparenting is so much more

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00:12:29,530 --> 00:12:32,228
than scheduling pick-up and drop-off,

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00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,053
play dates,

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00:12:34,077 --> 00:12:37,188
deciding what he's going to wear,
what he's going to eat.

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00:12:37,212 --> 00:12:40,220
For us, it's about helping
each other carry the weight,

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00:12:40,244 --> 00:12:42,045
unpack the load,

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00:12:42,069 --> 00:12:46,299
and to show up in the world
in a way that honors the beauty

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00:12:46,323 --> 00:12:47,473
of our son.

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00:12:48,149 --> 00:12:51,129
And it's for these reasons
that we do affirmations.

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00:12:52,478 --> 00:12:54,898
ER: We never though we'd be here.

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00:12:54,922 --> 00:12:56,072
But here we are.

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00:12:56,446 --> 00:12:59,970
And we hope that the way
that we show up for Sekou

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00:12:59,994 --> 00:13:01,299
and for each other

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00:13:01,323 --> 00:13:04,823
is a model of what successful
coparenting can look like.

258
00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:08,807
We'd like to bring you all in
to this nightly ritual of affirmations

259
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:12,236
that Shaka does with Sekou
every night at bedtime.

260
00:13:14,950 --> 00:13:16,195
SS: Hey.

261
00:13:16,219 --> 00:13:23,060
(Applause)

262
00:13:23,616 --> 00:13:25,330
SS: I am great.
Sekou: I am great.

263
00:13:25,354 --> 00:13:27,132
SS: I am awesome.
Sekou: I am awesome.

264
00:13:27,156 --> 00:13:28,886
SS: I'm amazing.
Sekou: I'm amazing.

265
00:13:28,910 --> 00:13:30,965
SS: I am thoughtful.
Sekou: I am thoughtful.

266
00:13:30,989 --> 00:13:32,497
SS: I am kind.
Sekou: I am kind.

267
00:13:32,521 --> 00:13:34,188
SS: I am loving.
Sekou: I am loving.

268
00:13:34,212 --> 00:13:35,894
SS: I am caring.
Sekou: I am caring.

269
00:13:35,918 --> 00:13:37,505
SS: I am funny.
Sekou: I am funny.

270
00:13:37,529 --> 00:13:39,109
SS: I am smart.
Sekou: I am smart.

271
00:13:39,133 --> 00:13:41,038
SS: I'm a big boy.
Sekou: I'm a big boy.

272
00:13:41,062 --> 00:13:42,991
SS: I'm a soldier.
Sekou: I'm a soldier.

273
00:13:43,015 --> 00:13:44,919
SS: I'm a warrior.
Sekou: I'm a warrior.

274
00:13:44,943 --> 00:13:46,857
SS: I am Sekou.
Sekou: I am Sekou.

275
00:13:46,881 --> 00:13:52,643
(Cheers and applause)

276
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:53,933
ER: Good job, baby.