0:00:01.651,0:00:06.039 Ebony Roberts: I remember[br]watching my father raise the pistol 0:00:06.063,0:00:07.330 to my mother's head. 0:00:08.079,0:00:11.642 She pleaded with him to put the gun down, 0:00:11.666,0:00:12.933 but he ignored her. 0:00:14.513,0:00:18.133 When she bolted toward the door,[br]he followed close behind 0:00:18.157,0:00:21.926 and once outside,[br]he fired one single shot. 0:00:22.966,0:00:24.116 I was 12. 0:00:24.982,0:00:27.895 I remember this moment frame by frame. 0:00:28.680,0:00:30.458 I remember feeling numb. 0:00:31.164,0:00:33.410 I remember feeling alone. 0:00:34.974,0:00:37.164 Thank God, the bullet missed her, 0:00:37.188,0:00:39.564 but my family would never be the same. 0:00:40.485,0:00:42.580 I would never be the same. 0:00:44.088,0:00:46.744 I didn't know then all the ways 0:00:46.768,0:00:50.858 that my parents's on-again[br]off-again relationship would impact me 0:00:50.882,0:00:53.683 but I knew I didn't want[br]a love like theirs. 0:00:54.224,0:00:56.287 My story would be different. 0:00:57.264,0:01:00.339 Years later, when I met you, 0:01:00.363,0:01:02.172 I fell madly in love. 0:01:02.498,0:01:04.847 Our connection was undeniable. 0:01:05.220,0:01:08.263 It was as if you had been[br]hand-picked just for me. 0:01:09.544,0:01:11.877 I thought we'd be together forever. 0:01:12.187,0:01:15.448 But we struggled with some[br]of the same issues my parents had, 0:01:15.472,0:01:17.813 and after nearly nine years together, 0:01:17.837,0:01:19.104 we called it quits. 0:01:19.973,0:01:21.433 We had Sekou then. 0:01:22.021,0:01:23.306 He was only three. 0:01:23.886,0:01:27.338 Though he was too young[br]to really understand what was going on, 0:01:27.362,0:01:28.800 he was old enough to know 0:01:28.824,0:01:30.045 that mommy and daddy 0:01:30.069,0:01:32.740 were not going to be living[br]in the same house anymore. 0:01:33.736,0:01:35.869 Our break up hit me really hard. 0:01:40.359,0:01:42.018 But I decided 0:01:42.042,0:01:46.779 I wouldn't let my broken heart[br]get in the way of what was best for Sekou. 0:01:47.613,0:01:50.466 We struggled initially,[br]trying to navigate this new space 0:01:50.490,0:01:51.720 as coparents. 0:01:53.530,0:01:55.490 I asked myself, 0:01:55.514,0:02:00.363 how do we raise this beautiful boy[br]full of wonder and promise 0:02:00.387,0:02:01.918 and so much power, 0:02:01.942,0:02:03.953 in spite of our failures as a couple? 0:02:04.920,0:02:07.388 The answer for me was simple. 0:02:08.746,0:02:10.397 I could either choose fear, 0:02:10.421,0:02:11.984 fear of being alone, 0:02:12.008,0:02:14.085 fear of the unknown, 0:02:14.109,0:02:15.259 or choose love. 0:02:15.688,0:02:17.132 And I chose love. 0:02:17.776,0:02:20.909 That means seeing[br]the good in you as a father. 0:02:21.631,0:02:24.440 It means seeing[br]the good in you as a father 0:02:24.464,0:02:26.972 and not your missteps as a partner. 0:02:26.996,0:02:29.694 It means putting Sekou first every time, 0:02:29.718,0:02:31.789 even if it means I don't get my way. 0:02:33.068,0:02:36.695 I know my parents went back and forth 0:02:36.719,0:02:40.907 trying to work things out[br]for my brother and I's sake. 0:02:42.092,0:02:43.879 Though I appreciate their effort, 0:02:43.903,0:02:45.169 I wish they hadn't. 0:02:45.482,0:02:48.122 I saw too much, I heard too much. 0:02:48.673,0:02:52.144 I knew I didn't want[br]that to be Sekou's story. 0:02:52.810,0:02:54.550 I wanted Sekou to know 0:02:54.574,0:02:57.724 what it was like to see[br]two parents who got along, 0:02:57.748,0:03:00.636 two parents who worked together as a team. 0:03:00.660,0:03:01.949 I wanted him to know 0:03:01.973,0:03:04.640 what love looks like in its truest form. 0:03:06.466,0:03:09.871 Love is patient, love is kind 0:03:09.895,0:03:12.950 love does not anger easily, 0:03:12.974,0:03:14.680 it keeps no wrongs. 0:03:15.387,0:03:18.743 Love always protects, 0:03:18.767,0:03:22.664 always trusts, always hopes,[br]always perseveres. 0:03:25.736,0:03:27.536 Shaka Senghor: It was 1983. 0:03:28.683,0:03:30.278 I was 11 years old. 0:03:31.421,0:03:35.008 I remember being in a basement[br]with my father, 0:03:35.032,0:03:37.247 in our home on the east side of Detroit. 0:03:37.927,0:03:41.053 I watched him stuff albums 0:03:41.077,0:03:44.672 into the blue and orange milk crates, 0:03:44.696,0:03:46.896 as tears [unclear] from his eyes. 0:03:48.258,0:03:50.390 Just before that, 0:03:51.608,0:03:53.497 him and my mother 0:03:54.672,0:03:57.521 had just sat me and my siblings down 0:03:57.545,0:03:59.681 and told us that they[br]were calling it quits. 0:04:01.190,0:04:02.808 Thirty years later, 0:04:03.857,0:04:06.491 I found myself with tears in my eyes, 0:04:06.515,0:04:09.625 as I packed my belongings in our home. 0:04:11.840,0:04:13.459 Ebony and I met 0:04:15.348,0:04:18.481 while I was serving[br]a 19-year prison sentence. 0:04:20.079,0:04:21.577 For four years, 0:04:21.601,0:04:26.244 we used letters, phone calls and visits 0:04:26.268,0:04:30.351 to build what we imagined[br]to be an unshakeable bond. 0:04:31.606,0:04:34.114 We fought the system together, 0:04:34.138,0:04:38.240 and we thought that we would be able[br]to right the wrongs of our parents. 0:04:39.315,0:04:41.149 She was a poet, 0:04:41.173,0:04:43.069 I was a writer. 0:04:43.093,0:04:45.767 She was gorgeous, with a PhD. 0:04:46.533,0:04:48.358 I was handsome, 0:04:48.382,0:04:49.625 with a GED. 0:04:49.649,0:04:53.180 (Laughter) 0:04:53.974,0:04:56.021 We built something magical. 0:04:56.704,0:04:59.206 We built something[br]that we thought would endure. 0:04:59.919,0:05:01.782 But unfortunately, 0:05:01.806,0:05:05.370 our relationship became unhinged[br]when I was released from prison. 0:05:06.101,0:05:09.418 Post-traumatic stress syndrome, 0:05:10.180,0:05:12.926 trauma from prior to going to prison, 0:05:14.513,0:05:16.807 baggage from her relationship, 0:05:16.831,0:05:19.722 my inexperience in a relationship, 0:05:19.746,0:05:24.158 undid the magic of what we built[br]behind the walls. 0:05:26.293,0:05:28.283 Centered in all of that 0:05:29.109,0:05:30.576 was our beautiful boy. 0:05:32.236,0:05:34.714 I remember when we first[br]brought Sekou home. 0:05:35.744,0:05:37.426 It was so exciting, it was amazing, 0:05:37.450,0:05:39.268 we worked together, we collaborated, 0:05:39.292,0:05:40.625 we supported each other. 0:05:40.649,0:05:43.786 You took the night shift,[br]I took the morning shift. 0:05:44.318,0:05:46.080 And it was going amazing. 0:05:47.652,0:05:49.252 And then it all changed. 0:05:50.985,0:05:54.263 It changed the morning that you came in[br]really excited, you was like, 0:05:54.287,0:05:55.855 "Hey, I'm going back to work! 0:05:56.387,0:05:57.886 Aren't you excited?" 0:05:58.911,0:06:02.212 And I was like, "Yes,[br]I am ecstatic right now. 0:06:02.236,0:06:03.531 (Laughter) 0:06:03.555,0:06:05.421 I cannot be more delighted." 0:06:07.284,0:06:09.569 But inside, I was really afraid. 0:06:10.483,0:06:12.083 But I couldn't tell you that. 0:06:13.361,0:06:14.629 So instead, I said, 0:06:14.653,0:06:16.869 "Hey, go off and have a wonderful day." 0:06:20.417,0:06:22.330 And you left, 0:06:22.354,0:06:24.087 and I was left with Sekou. 0:06:26.285,0:06:28.491 What I understand now about that moment 0:06:28.515,0:06:30.880 is that we were fostering a trust 0:06:30.904,0:06:34.132 that's necessary for parents to coexist. 0:06:35.141,0:06:38.339 And that you were trusting me[br]with our most precious gift. 0:06:39.394,0:06:43.663 And that you were building the foundation[br]and the blocks for what's important 0:06:43.687,0:06:46.434 for this portal we call parenthood. 0:06:48.379,0:06:52.514 ER: Knowing how our parents's[br]break ups impacted us, 0:06:52.538,0:06:54.974 you know, we were sensitive[br]about how our break up 0:06:54.998,0:06:56.402 would impact Sekou. 0:06:59.256,0:07:01.120 We struggled, 0:07:01.144,0:07:02.544 but we found our way. 0:07:04.192,0:07:05.882 And let Sekou tell it, 0:07:05.906,0:07:08.172 we're the best parents in the world. 0:07:08.196,0:07:10.593 I love that he sees us that way. 0:07:10.617,0:07:12.776 We made a choice in the beginning 0:07:12.800,0:07:16.249 to coparent as allies and not adversaries. 0:07:17.004,0:07:19.107 To break the toxic pattern 0:07:19.131,0:07:21.940 that we see play out over and over again 0:07:21.964,0:07:25.805 when parents lose focus[br]on what's most important, 0:07:25.829,0:07:26.980 the children. 0:07:27.004,0:07:29.704 They allow their relationship pain[br]to get in the way. 0:07:30.149,0:07:32.609 But at the end of the day,[br]we're on the same team, 0:07:32.633,0:07:34.427 and that's Sekou's team. 0:07:35.742,0:07:37.432 You know, I have to admit, 0:07:37.456,0:07:39.321 we have an unconventional relationship, 0:07:39.345,0:07:41.774 a lot of people don't understand. 0:07:41.798,0:07:44.622 We're not perfect as parents or people. 0:07:45.331,0:07:48.124 But we honor each other's role[br]in Sekou's life. 0:07:49.530,0:07:51.755 We allow him to do things 0:07:51.779,0:07:54.115 that our parents[br]would never allow us to do. 0:07:54.878,0:07:58.672 We don't allow our fears[br]to put limits on him. 0:07:59.761,0:08:03.181 We nurture his natural curiosity[br]about the universe 0:08:03.205,0:08:05.189 and his relationship to the world. 0:08:05.840,0:08:09.014 Remember that time when we were[br]coming in from a long day at work, 0:08:09.038,0:08:12.515 and Sekou found a puddle outside, 0:08:12.539,0:08:14.008 a puddle of mud, mind you, 0:08:14.032,0:08:17.602 had a brand new fresh outfit on,[br]Levi's from head to toe. 0:08:18.101,0:08:21.641 And he found this puddle of mud[br]and he reached for it. 0:08:21.665,0:08:23.506 And he wanted to touch the muddy earth 0:08:23.530,0:08:25.086 and we allowed him to do that. 0:08:25.110,0:08:28.228 We resisted the urge to say no, 0:08:28.252,0:08:30.155 and in fact, went and got him a shovel, 0:08:30.179,0:08:32.337 and allowed him to feel[br]the earth's properties 0:08:32.361,0:08:34.766 and explore as much[br]as he wanted to, and he played, 0:08:34.790,0:08:36.663 and was as happy as a pig in mud. 0:08:36.687,0:08:37.687 (Laughter) 0:08:37.734,0:08:40.387 We realized that the outfit[br]could be washed, 0:08:40.411,0:08:43.006 that a bath would clean up all the dirt, 0:08:43.030,0:08:45.840 but the thrill of being in the moment, 0:08:45.864,0:08:47.030 of being able to touch 0:08:47.054,0:08:51.204 and be amazed at this thing[br]that he had never discovered before 0:08:51.228,0:08:55.402 was more valuable than the clothes[br]or the dirt that could be washed away. 0:08:56.811,0:09:00.732 We continued to rethink[br]what is right and wrong 0:09:00.756,0:09:02.398 when it comes to parenting. 0:09:02.827,0:09:05.144 Sekou challenges us every day. 0:09:05.807,0:09:09.944 You know, we allow him to climb on couches 0:09:09.968,0:09:13.522 and draw on his clothes and his shoes, 0:09:13.546,0:09:16.926 let him run around the store --[br]well, I do, anyway. 0:09:17.899,0:09:21.990 And I get the death stares[br]from other mamas who look at me 0:09:22.014,0:09:25.926 and who think that children should be[br]quiet and well-behaved in public. 0:09:25.950,0:09:28.787 I also get those questions[br]that are really judgments, 0:09:28.811,0:09:30.994 but I don't pay them any mind. 0:09:31.018,0:09:32.764 Because at the end of the day, 0:09:32.788,0:09:37.700 our job is to guide Sekou[br]on this journey of life, 0:09:37.724,0:09:38.991 not to control him. 0:09:39.664,0:09:43.331 We're here to help him[br]figure out his place in the world, 0:09:43.355,0:09:46.604 to uncover his greatest gifts, 0:09:46.628,0:09:48.684 to discover why he was born. 0:09:49.355,0:09:51.307 We are raising a free black boy 0:09:51.331,0:09:53.680 in a world that despises black joy, 0:09:53.704,0:09:57.241 and we refuse to put limits on him[br]that the world already has. 0:10:00.091,0:10:03.329 SS: Our parenting[br]can be seen as an allegory 0:10:03.353,0:10:06.087 for this two-sided coin of possibilities. 0:10:06.726,0:10:08.378 On one side, 0:10:09.260,0:10:12.696 the reality of raising[br]a black boy in a society 0:10:12.720,0:10:16.712 [unclear] the black boys,[br]black bodies and black lives 0:10:16.736,0:10:20.229 only seen as profitable or disposable. 0:10:21.523,0:10:23.388 And then there's the other side. 0:10:24.285,0:10:27.253 Possibility of two parents[br]who are no longer together, 0:10:27.277,0:10:30.203 coexisting, supporting each other, 0:10:30.227,0:10:33.395 loving each other,[br]showing affection publicly, 0:10:33.419,0:10:36.338 in a way that honors[br]the relationship with our son. 0:10:38.357,0:10:39.952 And even more importantly 0:10:39.976,0:10:43.269 is the power to support each other[br]in all those vulnerable moments. 0:10:43.627,0:10:45.714 There was this one time, 0:10:45.738,0:10:48.776 that it was my day to go pick up Sekou,[br]you remember that time? 0:10:49.578,0:10:52.355 I go pick Sekou up, he's at first grade, 0:10:52.379,0:10:53.633 and as I'm walking up, 0:10:53.657,0:10:56.831 another parent walks up[br]and says, "Hey, Shaka. 0:10:57.205,0:10:59.721 I saw Oprah Winfrey[br]give a shout out to you 0:10:59.745,0:11:01.275 on CNN last night. 0:11:02.244,0:11:05.093 She was superexcited, exuberant even." 0:11:06.101,0:11:07.553 I was mortified. 0:11:08.315,0:11:12.474 Because I thought, what's going to happen[br]when she tells another parent 0:11:12.498,0:11:14.299 and they tell another parent, 0:11:14.323,0:11:16.514 and then they go and look me up, 0:11:16.538,0:11:17.720 and then they discover 0:11:17.744,0:11:20.394 that I was in prison[br]for second-degree murder. 0:11:20.418,0:11:22.641 And then their child hears about it. 0:11:22.665,0:11:26.340 And they come to school[br]and they say to Sekou, 0:11:26.364,0:11:29.062 "Your dad was convicted[br]of murdering someone." 0:11:30.840,0:11:34.015 And I remember,[br]as watching Sekou race out, 0:11:34.039,0:11:36.439 and I knew that I had to call Ebony. 0:11:37.129,0:11:40.479 When I called her,[br]explained to her what happened, 0:11:40.503,0:11:43.003 Ebony said, "You have to have the talk." 0:11:44.003,0:11:46.519 So I took Sekou home, 0:11:46.543,0:11:48.580 got him ready for bed, 0:11:48.604,0:11:50.671 and we talked for half an hour. 0:11:51.823,0:11:54.486 I talked to him[br]about why I went to prison. 0:11:54.510,0:11:56.820 And I listened to his feedback. 0:11:56.844,0:11:59.867 And then we called his mom[br]so we can do our nightly ritual 0:11:59.891,0:12:02.463 of her offering prayer 0:12:02.487,0:12:04.553 and then me doing affirmations. 0:12:05.157,0:12:07.490 And I remember holding him tightly. 0:12:08.355,0:12:11.918 And I realized the importance[br]of the affirmations that we do at night. 0:12:11.942,0:12:15.251 And I see them as a road map, as a guide, 0:12:15.275,0:12:20.038 as a touchstone[br]for other parents to protect 0:12:20.062,0:12:22.426 and to empower their children, 0:12:22.450,0:12:25.401 especially in a world[br]where it's very difficult. 0:12:26.165,0:12:29.506 For us, coparenting is so much more 0:12:29.530,0:12:32.228 than scheduling pick-up and drop-off, 0:12:32.252,0:12:34.053 play dates, 0:12:34.077,0:12:37.188 deciding what he's going to wear,[br]what he's going to eat. 0:12:37.212,0:12:40.220 For us, it's about helping[br]each other carry the weight, 0:12:40.244,0:12:42.045 unpack the load, 0:12:42.069,0:12:46.299 and to show up in the world[br]in a way that honors the beauty 0:12:46.323,0:12:47.473 of our son. 0:12:48.149,0:12:51.129 And it's for these reasons[br]that we do affirmations. 0:12:52.478,0:12:54.898 ER: We never though we'd be here. 0:12:54.922,0:12:56.072 But here we are. 0:12:56.446,0:12:59.970 And we hope that the way[br]that we show up for Sekou 0:12:59.994,0:13:01.299 and for each other 0:13:01.323,0:13:04.823 is a model of what successful[br]coparenting can look like. 0:13:05.140,0:13:08.807 We'd like to bring you all in[br]to this nightly ritual of affirmations 0:13:08.831,0:13:12.236 that Shaka does with Sekou[br]every night at bedtime. 0:13:14.950,0:13:16.195 SS: Hey. 0:13:16.219,0:13:23.060 (Applause) 0:13:23.616,0:13:25.330 SS: I am great.[br]Sekou: I am great. 0:13:25.354,0:13:27.132 SS: I am awesome.[br]Sekou: I am awesome. 0:13:27.156,0:13:28.886 SS: I'm amazing.[br]Sekou: I'm amazing. 0:13:28.910,0:13:30.965 SS: I am thoughtful.[br]Sekou: I am thoughtful. 0:13:30.989,0:13:32.497 SS: I am kind.[br]Sekou: I am kind. 0:13:32.521,0:13:34.188 SS: I am loving.[br]Sekou: I am loving. 0:13:34.212,0:13:35.894 SS: I am caring.[br]Sekou: I am caring. 0:13:35.918,0:13:37.505 SS: I am funny.[br]Sekou: I am funny. 0:13:37.529,0:13:39.109 SS: I am smart.[br]Sekou: I am smart. 0:13:39.133,0:13:41.038 SS: I'm a big boy.[br]Sekou: I'm a big boy. 0:13:41.062,0:13:42.991 SS: I'm a soldier.[br]Sekou: I'm a soldier. 0:13:43.015,0:13:44.919 SS: I'm a warrior.[br]Sekou: I'm a warrior. 0:13:44.943,0:13:46.857 SS: I am Sekou.[br]Sekou: I am Sekou. 0:13:46.881,0:13:52.643 (Cheers and applause) 0:13:52.667,0:13:53.933 ER: Good job, baby.