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Good evening, ladies, gentlemen,

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soldiers, hipsters, pseudo–intellectuals,

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students, baristas,

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green party affiliates,

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(Laughter)

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Steve. (Laughter)

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Thank you so very much

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for the warm welcome
that I could only assume

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that you would give me
when I wrote this in advance.

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(Laughter)

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It is so very humbling

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to be standing here before
so many people I know nothing about.

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(Laughter)

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But statistics are helpful.

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I know that at least one of you
was probably called Steve.

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I know that many of you
are probably women.

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(Laughter)

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I know that the rest of you
are likely to be men.

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(Laughter)

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I know that at least one of you voted
for the current Prime Minister.

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And if that one person was you,

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I would keep very quiet about that here.

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(Laughter)

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You should not have come here today.
(Laughter)

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This is not a safe environment for you.

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(Laughter)

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I promise you.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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And if you are that one person,

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if you would quietly
approach me after the event,

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I'll get you out of here.

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(Laughter)

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But if you didn't vote for National,
TEDx is a wonderful thing.

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(Laughter)

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It's a tremendous event where people
of incredibly like-minds come together

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to share what they believe
to be profound and challenging thoughts.

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And yet for some reason,
everyone sits and nods in agreement.

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(Laughter)

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Audiences are treated
to speaker after speaker,

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or elevated individual,

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who one after the other talk about things

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that inspire other people
to talk about things.

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(Laughter)

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There was a line about the sponsors here,

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but it was suggested that I remove it.

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(Laughter)

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Bow to your corporate overlords, TEDx.

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Know your place.

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But as I was saying...

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(Laughter)

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As I was saying,

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TEDx is a wonderful place where
people of all races, colors, and creeds,

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but mostly white people... (Laughter)

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Come together to spread ideas.

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I have an idea.

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A 111 emergency loan line service.

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Take that home with you today. (Laughter)

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So we know what TEDx is,
and that TEDx is great,

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and we all feel quiet enlightened,

60
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but why am I here?

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(Laughter)

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Why is Ben Uffindell standing before you
on a beautifully decorated stage?

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With beaming lights bearing down upon him,

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and a timer in front of him

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that's, quite honestly,
freaking me out right now.

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(Laughter)

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It's going down faster than it should.
I want that checked.

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(Laughter)

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What gives me the right?

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I'm here today because
in mid March of this year,

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I started a website called The Civilian.

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For those of you who read The Civilian,
it needs no introduction,

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because it already has one,
on the side, on the "About Us" tab.

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(Laughter)

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If you haven't seen it, then you should
click around more, live a little.

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(Laughter)

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But if you're not familiar
with The Civilian,

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let me briefly explain to you what it is.

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The Civilian is a satirical newspaper,

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much like its American counterpart,
The Onion.

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A satirical newspaper

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is a newspaper that essentially conducts

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an ongoing and elaborate
parody of the news.

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We run headlines such as

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"An overpay debacle
solved by restarting computer."

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(Laughter)

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And most recently,

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"Nation struggles to masturbate
the Len Brown Affair."

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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When I started writing The Civilian,

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many people around me said to me:

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"Ben, a lot of people are going
to take these stories seriously."

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(Laughter)

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And at the time, I said to those people,

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"No, no, that's ridiculous.

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No sensibly thinking human being

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could possibly ever mistake these
for the truth."

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And I've spent the last 7 months
eating humble pie.

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(Laughter)

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One of the first articles that I ran
on The Civilian was titled:

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"North Korea threatens New Zealand
with nuclear attack.

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Nothing we can do, says Key."

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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And within hours,

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it had spread to every corner
of the internet you can imagine.

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And everyone was panicked, and terrified.

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And believed that they were
about to face the imminent doom.

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Seared into my memory forever

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is the Twitter conversation
between two teenage girls

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who were absolutely mortified,

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telling one another they loved each other,

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and saying their goodbyes.

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(Laughter)

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Just this week, The Civilian
published a story titled:

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"Stewart Island to be renamed Harry Styles
as a result of an online poll."

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(Laughter)

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And I have a collection of some 400 tweets

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of excited One Direction fans
from all around the globe...

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(Laughter)

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Who want to come to New Zealand,

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to, as one girl put it,
be on Harry Styles.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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And as if that weren't enough,

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and this is true,

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the Dutch Wikipedia,
presently, as of today,

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lists the English name
for Stewart Island as Harry Styles.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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But perhaps more fascinating to me
than people believing The Civilian,

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is people who don't believe it,

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or who realize what it really is,

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but they're angry about it.

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I get emails to the effect of "Why?!"

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Why would you do this?

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Why would you write something
that's not true?

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(Laughter)

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And you may laugh, fair enough,

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but I actually found this to be
a rather poignant question,

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and it's something that
I've been thinking about a lot lately.

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And God forbid, your laughter
is pushing me over the time limit.

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(Laughter)

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But I know that when people
book me for a TEDx talk,

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they expect me to be funny.

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It's fine. I mean, that's my job.

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But I'd just like
to take a moment, if I may,

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to be very earnest about something,

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and about what satire is to me.

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One year ago...

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I was working as an English tutor,

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and I was teaching kids,
you know, vital lessons,

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like the very real connections

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between Shakespeare's Othello
and The Matrix.

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(Laughter)

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I didn't have the kind of platform
that I have now.

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But I did have a lot.

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I had a life that I was
very, very lucky to have.

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And at the time, I didn't know it.

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I wasn't in a very happy place.

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And I didn't know it because...

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I was too busy worrying about my future
to appreciate what I had in the present.

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And this year, I've gained a lot.

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I'm here.

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So, to me, that's a lot.

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But I've lost a lot as well.

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I've lost a lot of the things
that last year I took for granted.

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I've had a rough couple of months.

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And...

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And when you start to feel that way...

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sometimes it's very easy
to feel disconnected.

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To isolate yourself, to feel separate.

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And once upon a time,
that would have been me.

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But I'm lucky,

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because I get to wake up every morning

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and do something that is about
making connections.

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I get to piece together narratives
in my own way,

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I get to take events
from the world around me

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and put them into digestible narratives
that people can consume.

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And to me, that's not actually
that different to what the news does.

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The news just takes abstract facts
and processes them

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into consumable narratives,
that we can all understand,

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that we can relate to,
and make us feel something.

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And that's why I do what I do.

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It helps me to feel connected,

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and stay connected, and stay happy,

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when things aren't always going my way.

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Sometimes The Civilian, in its coverage,
has treated some...

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reasonably serious events

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with not much seriousness.

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It has, you know, found fun
in some rather serious issues.

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It has had fun in the midst of misery.

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And to many, that might be insensitive,

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and it might seem wrong.

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And you could be right. It might be.

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Sometimes, I feel a little bit bad myself.

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But understand that it is not born
out of just silly humor.

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It is not born out of
thoughtless derision.

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It is born out of the belief, the idea,

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that even in our worst moments,
there is humor.

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That even in the darkest places,
there is light.

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And that no matter what,

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we can always and should always laugh.

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Thank you, Christchurch.
You've been very good to me.

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(Applause)