WEBVTT

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In case you're thinking
about a career in higher education,

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you cannot be afraid of aging,

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because students every year
are between 18 and 22,

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whereas you keep getting older.

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It is actually quite depressing.

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Anyhow -

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(Laughter)

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Anyhow, as I watched them cause harm
and bringing harm to one another,

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it made me want to devote
my professional career

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to ending violence
and making our world a safer place.

NOTE Paragraph

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And so I spend a lot of time

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teaching people
about bystander intervention.

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And as I'm teaching them
about bystander intervention,

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something I'm talking about
is what a bystander is.

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A bystander is really
someone who is in a crowd

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or they witness something
that's a potentially harmful event,

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and they do nothing.

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We're all bystanders at some point
to something that's happening.

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But the reality is that
when we're seeing something,

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there are things
that stop us from intervening.

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Imagine you're driving down the street,
you see someone on the side of the road,

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and you recognize they need help,
but you keep going.

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Or think about overhearing an argument,

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and as you hear that argument,
you don't feel too great about it,

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but you tell yourself
that it's none of your business.

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Or perhaps you see someone 
who's highly intoxicated,

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and you think, "Mm, this night
isn't going to end too well for them."

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But you tell yourself, once again, 
this isn't my responsibility.

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And so what happens?

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We end up being the bystander
because we froze, perhaps we panicked,

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but ultimately, 
we didn't do anything to act.

NOTE Paragraph

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There are a lot of reasons 
that we don't act.

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And bystander effect -
some of you have heard of that -

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is one of those things.

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But a big thing, and there are 
a few of them, ambiguity.

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Anytime the situation is unclear
and we're not too sure

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what's going to happen,
we're less likely to intervene.

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Diffusion of responsibility
is one of the biggest things

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that stops us from intervening.

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All of us are in this room.

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If something happens in this room,

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whoever it is in need of help
is less likely to get help

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because what we're thinking

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is someone else in the room
will do something,

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but they don't, and so
that harm still occurs.

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The other thing is perceived cost.

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We start to think about:
What is this going to cost me?

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Am I going to be in harm's way?

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Will my loved ones be at risk?

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Am I going to have to invest
too much time or energy into this?

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And if so, then we tell ourselves,

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"Well then I can't do anything about this,
I'm not going to intervene."

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And so we walk away from the situation.

NOTE Paragraph

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There are a lot of reasons 
that people don't intervene,

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a ton of obstacles, and they're real.

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They're legitimate fears and concerns
that we have to face.

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But what we have to think about
is the fact that sometimes

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when we're seeing things, 
we don't want people to think,

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"Oh, you know, that person 
just didn't want to help."

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We want people to recognize
that those obstacles got in the way.

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And so, I want you to think 
about this for a second.

NOTE Paragraph

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What does this slide say to you?

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[MORALITYISNOWHERE]

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Shout it out. What do you see?

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(Audience) Morality is nowhere.

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OK. So wow, we have a lot 
of glass-half-full folks in this room.

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(Laughter)

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So some of you see "morality is nowhere";

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some of you see
"morality is now here," right?

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Either way, you're right.
The slide says both.

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But the point of this is that what
we're lacking in society is morality.

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We've really gotten to a place
where morality doesn't exist anymore,

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and it's concerning, it's alarming.

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And so what we need to start to do
is think about how can civility

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help to bring back morality.

NOTE Paragraph

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I know a lot of you
are probably thinking,

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"Well, if her point is to talk
about civility or morality,

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then why did she
title this 'Reviving Civility'?"

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Well, the reason that I did that 
is because civility is something

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that I believe, and don't get me wrong,

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when I'm thinking, I recognize
in my mind it's questionable,

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but I believe that civility
is something that can be taught.

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It's a skill set, right?

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When you think about civility,
you typically think about these things:

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being polite, being a reasonable person,
engaging in civil dialogue.

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When you think about morality, that's
a much tougher conversation to have.

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Morality is a self-driven, internal battle
that plays out in people's consciousness,

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like a rivalry between 
Batman and the Joker, right?

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We all think about Batman and Joker
and how intense that is,

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and you can visualize that.

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Well, that's how it feels to talk
to someone about right and wrong.

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You aren't going to often have people get
in a room and reach the same conclusion.

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But civility - we can get people 
to agree on what civility means.

NOTE Paragraph

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Now, I want you to remember,

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when I'm talking
about civility and reviving it,

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I'm not just talking
about these principles.

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I'm talking about really taking civility
and thinking about it

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in a place of civility
being politeness, yes, respect, yeah,

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but caring and compassion, brotherhood,
sisterhood, caring about humankind,

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and reviving and bringing back
the best qualities of humankind.

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That's what I'm talking about
and want you to think about

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when talking about reviving civility.

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And so we have to really start to shift 
to being more selfless and less selfish.

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We have to be willing to put
people's needs as high as our own

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if we really want to have a chance
to reduce the violence

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that's happening at alarming rates
in our community.

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We can make our community safer
if we start to revive civility.

NOTE Paragraph

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So how many of you are familiar
with the Golden Rule? Most of you?

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[The Golden Rule "Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you"]

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Or some of us have heard that

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as "Treat others the way that you
want to be treated."

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Well, imagine, if in our classrooms,
,

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in our homes, our families,
our friendships, our workplaces,

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if instead abiding by the golden rule

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and treating people the way
we want to be treated,

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what would happen if we treated them
the way they wanted to be treated?

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It doesn't seem hard, 
but if you think about it,

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all these years, we've been
practicing the golden rule,

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and seriously, how narcissistic 
do we sound telling people

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that we're going to treat them
the way we want to be treated?

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When we do that,

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we're nullifying and negating
the experiences of who they are,

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and we're projecting our own needs
and desires onto them instead.

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And when you think about that,
it's quite selfish.

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And so we have to get back 
to this place of morality.

NOTE Paragraph

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Morality is our reach here,
I want you to remember that.

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Morality is the reach; 
civility is the base,

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and so More M.I.C.E: 
this is really just so if someone says,

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"What did Jennifer talk about at TEDx?"
you can go and say "M.I.C.E."

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And they're going to look at you
and say "mice"?

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But I want you to really be able to
remember that that meant:

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morality, integrity, civility,
and ethicality.

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And you're going to say
"ethicality is not a word,"

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but I found it in 
the dictionary - it's a word.

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(Laughter)

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So my point was to make sure 
we were moving from not just using nouns

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but talking about action.

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So really, ethicality
is being ethical, right?

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If you leave here today,

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and each of you commit
to the best principles and best things

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that come along
with being a person of integrity,

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being compassionate about civility,

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really doing everything you can
to be ethical in your character.

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Then what we're going to do

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is we're going to start
to influence others around us.

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And as we influence others around us,

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they're going to influence
the people around them,

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and they're going to influence
others around them.

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And it's like a ladder.

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Remember, morality is the reach,
civility is the base.

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And so if you start to climb that ladder,
and you start to influence others,

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then we have a real chance 
at changing our culture

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and reducing, or maybe even
eliminating, violence.

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I don't want you to think
those are families.

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When you look at those people up there,

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that doesn't represent a family
as much as it shows

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that it's the responsibility
of men, women, and children

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to practice civility 
and bystander intervention.

NOTE Paragraph

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So there really is a path 
that we have to take.

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And what I want to talk you through now
is what it takes for a bystander

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to move from a place of civility,

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in a sense, being a noun,
to it being an adjective.

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And so what we have to do 
is we have to care,

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and we have to start taking in things
in a much more meaningful way

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and thinking about others
in our communities.

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And once we start to care,
and we start to think about civility,

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then we will start to notice the things
that are causing harm in our community.

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We are living in a society
where we witness incivility every day,

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to the point that we don't even recognize
how much it has messed up our country.

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And so we have to start
to get back to that place

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where we're intervening,

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where we're doing things
for one another,

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where we're caring for one another.

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And if we do that, then we
have a chance, we really do.

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And so what you have to do
as a bystander, when you leave here,

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you have to start to think about
what it takes to intervene.

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And know your obstacles; 
those obstacles are real.

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I'm someone who talks to people
about bystander intervention,

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and I don't always intervene
every time I see something

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because those obstacles 
can get the best of me as well.

NOTE Paragraph

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What you do have to do
is you have to notice the situation

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because if you don't notice it,
that ambiguity again,

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if you don't notice it,
you can't do anything to intervene.

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Another thing you have to do
is quickly interpret that situation.

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Going to that example
of you see someone arguing.

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You see a couple arguing.

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You have to quickly determine
if that warrants your response.

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If you think that warrants your response,

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the next step is assuming responsibility.

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And once we can all get to that place
where we assume responsibility,

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then we are truly living out 
what it means to revive civility.

NOTE Paragraph

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And assuming responsibility
does not mean that I want you

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to put yourself into harm's way.

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You don't have to do that.
That's why 911 exists.

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There are people who, for a living,
go and save the day.

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But by you taking the step

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to either get involved
and step in and help someone,

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or taking the step to get someone else
involved who is able to intervene,

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then you will help to make
our world a safer place.

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That's the point.

NOTE Paragraph

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If we can revive civility,

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we really will get to a place
where we can end violence.

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And so, I'm not asking you tonight,
by choosing civility,

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to go out and spend all your free time

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volunteering at your local
domestic violence or rape center,

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though you might.

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That would be kind of cool.

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Nor am I asking you to go out
and get trained in nonviolence training,

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though again, you might.

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That may be a thing you want to do.

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But what I am saying
is that when you leave here,

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hopefully you'll always notice
when something needs your attention,

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when someone is in harm's way,

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and you'll think about the fact

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that you can do something to intervene
and change the outcome.

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And when we start
to change those outcomes,

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other people will see us, it will rub off,
and we will have a shift in our culture,

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and make our campuses, our workplaces,
our society, a better place.

NOTE Paragraph

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And so my question for you tonight
is not if you're different from the rest,

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because regardless of what
we've personally been a bystander to,

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we're not alone.

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We've all experienced those things.

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But it's not if you
are different from the rest.

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My question for you tonight is,
"Will you be the difference for the rest?"

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And if you're the difference for the rest,
how do you get there?

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We get there by reviving civility.

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And so I ask that as you leave here,
think about the difference you'll make,

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and that you will bring back 
civility with me.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)