In case you're thinking
about a career in higher education,

you cannot be afraid of aging,

because students every year
are between 18 and 22,

whereas you keep getting older.

It is actually quite depressing.

Anyhow -

(Laughter)

Anyhow, as I watched them cause harm
and bringing harm to one another,

it made me want to devote
my professional career

to ending violence
and making our world a safer place.

And so I spend a lot of time

teaching people
about bystander intervention.

And as I'm teaching them
about bystander intervention,

something I'm talking about
is what a bystander is.

A bystander is really
someone who is in a crowd

or they witness something
that's a potentially harmful event,

and they do nothing.

We're all bystanders at some point
to something that's happening.

But the reality is that
when we're seeing something,

there are things
that stop us from intervening.

Imagine you're driving down the street,
you see someone on the side of the road,

and you recognize they need help,
but you keep going.

Or think about overhearing an argument,

and as you hear that argument,
you don't feel too great about it,

but you tell yourself
that it's none of your business.

Or perhaps you see someone 
who's highly intoxicated,

and you think, "Mm, this night
isn't going to end too well for them."

But you tell yourself, once again, 
this isn't my responsibility.

And so what happens?

We end up being the bystander
because we froze, perhaps we panicked,

but ultimately, 
we didn't do anything to act.

There are a lot of reasons 
that we don't act.

And bystander effect -
some of you have heard of that -

is one of those things.

But a big thing, and there are 
a few of them, ambiguity.

Anytime the situation is unclear
and we're not too sure

what's going to happen,
we're less likely to intervene.

Diffusion of responsibility
is one of the biggest things

that stops us from intervening.

All of us are in this room.

If something happens in this room,

whoever it is in need of help
is less likely to get help

because what we're thinking

is someone else in the room
will do something,

but they don't, and so
that harm still occurs.

The other thing is perceived cost.

We start to think about:
What is this going to cost me?

Am I going to be in harm's way?

Will my loved ones be at risk?

Am I going to have to invest
too much time or energy into this?

And if so, then we tell ourselves,

"Well then I can't do anything about this,
I'm not going to intervene."

And so we walk away from the situation.

There are a lot of reasons 
that people don't intervene,

a ton of obstacles, and they're real.

They're legitimate fears and concerns
that we have to face.

But what we have to think about
is the fact that sometimes

when we're seeing things, 
we don't want people to think,

"Oh, you know, that person 
just didn't want to help."

We want people to recognize
that those obstacles got in the way.

And so, I want you to think 
about this for a second.

What does this slide say to you?

[MORALITYISNOWHERE]

Shout it out. What do you see?

(Audience) Morality is nowhere.

OK. So wow, we have a lot 
of glass-half-full folks in this room.

(Laughter)

So some of you see "morality is nowhere";

some of you see
"morality is now here," right?

Either way, you're right.
The slide says both.

But the point of this is that what
we're lacking in society is morality.

We've really gotten to a place
where morality doesn't exist anymore,

and it's concerning, it's alarming.

And so what we need to start to do
is think about how can civility

help to bring back morality.

I know a lot of you
are probably thinking,

"Well, if her point is to talk
about civility or morality,

then why did she
title this 'Reviving Civility'?"

Well, the reason that I did that 
is because civility is something

that I believe, and don't get me wrong,

when I'm thinking, I recognize
in my mind it's questionable,

but I believe that civility
is something that can be taught.

It's a skill set, right?

When you think about civility,
you typically think about these things:

being polite, being a reasonable person,
engaging in civil dialogue.

When you think about morality, that's
a much tougher conversation to have.

Morality is a self-driven, internal battle
that plays out in people's consciousness,

like a rivalry between 
Batman and the Joker, right?

We all think about Batman and Joker
and how intense that is,

and you can visualize that.

Well, that's how it feels to talk
to someone about right and wrong.

You aren't going to often have people get
in a room and reach the same conclusion.

But civility - we can get people 
to agree on what civility means.

Now, I want you to remember,

when I'm talking
about civility and reviving it,

I'm not just talking
about these principles.

I'm talking about really taking civility
and thinking about it

in a place of civility
being politeness, yes, respect, yeah,

but caring and compassion, brotherhood,
sisterhood, caring about humankind,

and reviving and bringing back
the best qualities of humankind.

That's what I'm talking about
and want you to think about

when talking about reviving civility.

And so we have to really start to shift 
to being more selfless and less selfish.

We have to be willing to put
people's needs as high as our own

if we really want to have a chance
to reduce the violence

that's happening at alarming rates
in our community.

We can make our community safer
if we start to revive civility.

So how many of you are familiar
with the Golden Rule? Most of you?

[The Golden Rule "Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you"]

Or some of us have heard that

as "Treat others the way that you
want to be treated."

Well, imagine, if in our classrooms,
,

in our homes, our families,
our friendships, our workplaces,

if instead abiding by the golden rule

and treating people the way
we want to be treated,

what would happen if we treated them
the way they wanted to be treated?

It doesn't seem hard, 
but if you think about it,

all these years, we've been
practicing the golden rule,

and seriously, how narcissistic 
do we sound telling people

that we're going to treat them
the way we want to be treated?

When we do that,

we're nullifying and negating
the experiences of who they are,

and we're projecting our own needs
and desires onto them instead.

And when you think about that,
it's quite selfish.

And so we have to get back 
to this place of morality.

Morality is our reach here,
I want you to remember that.

Morality is the reach; 
civility is the base,

and so More M.I.C.E: 
this is really just so if someone says,

"What did Jennifer talk about at TEDx?"
you can go and say "M.I.C.E."

And they're going to look at you
and say "mice"?

But I want you to really be able to
remember that that meant:

morality, integrity, civility,
and ethicality.

And you're going to say
"ethicality is not a word,"

but I found it in 
the dictionary - it's a word.

(Laughter)

So my point was to make sure 
we were moving from not just using nouns

but talking about action.

So really, ethicality
is being ethical, right?

If you leave here today,

and each of you commit
to the best principles and best things

that come along
with being a person of integrity,

being compassionate about civility,

really doing everything you can
to be ethical in your character.

Then what we're going to do

is we're going to start
to influence others around us.

And as we influence others around us,

they're going to influence
the people around them,

and they're going to influence
others around them.

And it's like a ladder.

Remember, morality is the reach,
civility is the base.

And so if you start to climb that ladder,
and you start to influence others,

then we have a real chance 
at changing our culture

and reducing, or maybe even
eliminating, violence.

I don't want you to think
those are families.

When you look at those people up there,

that doesn't represent a family
as much as it shows

that it's the responsibility
of men, women, and children

to practice civility 
and bystander intervention.

So there really is a path 
that we have to take.

And what I want to talk you through now
is what it takes for a bystander

to move from a place of civility,

in a sense, being a noun,
to it being an adjective.

And so what we have to do 
is we have to care,

and we have to start taking in things
in a much more meaningful way

and thinking about others
in our communities.

And once we start to care,
and we start to think about civility,

then we will start to notice the things
that are causing harm in our community.

We are living in a society
where we witness incivility every day,

to the point that we don't even recognize
how much it has messed up our country.

And so we have to start
to get back to that place

where we're intervening,

where we're doing things
for one another,

where we're caring for one another.

And if we do that, then we
have a chance, we really do.

And so what you have to do
as a bystander, when you leave here,

you have to start to think about
what it takes to intervene.

And know your obstacles; 
those obstacles are real.

I'm someone who talks to people
about bystander intervention,

and I don't always intervene
every time I see something

because those obstacles 
can get the best of me as well.

What you do have to do
is you have to notice the situation

because if you don't notice it,
that ambiguity again,

if you don't notice it,
you can't do anything to intervene.

Another thing you have to do
is quickly interpret that situation.

Going to that example
of you see someone arguing.

You see a couple arguing.

You have to quickly determine
if that warrants your response.

If you think that warrants your response,

the next step is assuming responsibility.

And once we can all get to that place
where we assume responsibility,

then we are truly living out 
what it means to revive civility.

And assuming responsibility
does not mean that I want you

to put yourself into harm's way.

You don't have to do that.
That's why 911 exists.

There are people who, for a living,
go and save the day.

But by you taking the step

to either get involved
and step in and help someone,

or taking the step to get someone else
involved who is able to intervene,

then you will help to make
our world a safer place.

That's the point.

If we can revive civility,

we really will get to a place
where we can end violence.

And so, I'm not asking you tonight,
by choosing civility,

to go out and spend all your free time

volunteering at your local
domestic violence or rape center,

though you might.

That would be kind of cool.

Nor am I asking you to go out
and get trained in nonviolence training,

though again, you might.

That may be a thing you want to do.

But what I am saying
is that when you leave here,

hopefully you'll always notice
when something needs your attention,

when someone is in harm's way,

and you'll think about the fact

that you can do something to intervene
and change the outcome.

And when we start
to change those outcomes,

other people will see us, it will rub off,
and we will have a shift in our culture,

and make our campuses, our workplaces,
our society, a better place.

And so my question for you tonight
is not if you're different from the rest,

because regardless of what
we've personally been a bystander to,

we're not alone.

We've all experienced those things.

But it's not if you
are different from the rest.

My question for you tonight is,
"Will you be the difference for the rest?"

And if you're the difference for the rest,
how do you get there?

We get there by reviving civility.

And so I ask that as you leave here,
think about the difference you'll make,

and that you will bring back 
civility with me.

Thank you.

(Applause)