WEBVTT 00:00:06.950 --> 00:00:08.300 The chances are 00:00:08.300 --> 00:00:11.390 you've looked in at least one mirror today. 00:00:11.390 --> 00:00:14.830 You've had a shave, or you combed your hair, 00:00:14.830 --> 00:00:17.590 or maybe you checked your teeth for spinach after lunch, 00:00:17.590 --> 00:00:19.150 but what you didn't know 00:00:19.150 --> 00:00:21.430 is that the face looking back at you 00:00:21.430 --> 00:00:23.550 isn't the face that everybody else sees. 00:00:23.550 --> 00:00:26.360 It's a kind of reversed, distorted, 00:00:26.360 --> 00:00:27.923 back-to-front image. 00:00:27.923 --> 00:00:30.270 Some years ago, I was on a flight to New York, 00:00:30.270 --> 00:00:32.240 and I read an article in the FT, 00:00:32.240 --> 00:00:36.310 and it was an article about a phenomenon called a True Mirror - 00:00:36.310 --> 00:00:39.390 and for the Americans listening, that's a mirror. 00:00:39.390 --> 00:00:42.420 The True Mirror was actually invented 00:00:42.420 --> 00:00:44.390 by a brother and sister team in New York, 00:00:44.390 --> 00:00:46.225 called John and Catherine Walters. 00:00:46.225 --> 00:00:48.660 What they discovered is if you take two mirrors, 00:00:48.660 --> 00:00:50.670 and you put them together at right angles, 00:00:50.670 --> 00:00:52.350 and you take the seam away, 00:00:52.350 --> 00:00:54.230 the images bounce off each other. 00:00:54.230 --> 00:00:56.430 What you see when you look in a True Mirror 00:00:56.430 --> 00:00:59.970 is exactly what other people see when they look at you. 00:00:59.970 --> 00:01:02.350 So, I land in New York, and I phone John up, 00:01:02.350 --> 00:01:04.120 and ask him if I can go and see him, 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:07.222 and I end up in his gallery in Brooklyn; 00:01:07.222 --> 00:01:09.670 it was like being at a sideshow in the circus. 00:01:09.670 --> 00:01:11.430 There were True Mirrors 00:01:11.430 --> 00:01:14.730 full length, face sized, all over this gallery. 00:01:14.730 --> 00:01:17.610 When I walked over to the True Mirror for the first time, 00:01:17.610 --> 00:01:19.110 and I looked in the mirror, 00:01:19.110 --> 00:01:24.050 it was one of the most disorientating experiences I've ever had in my life. 00:01:24.050 --> 00:01:26.720 The first thing you notice when you look in a True Mirror 00:01:26.720 --> 00:01:28.840 is that your head's not on straight. 00:01:28.840 --> 00:01:30.620 Yours is kind of going that way, 00:01:30.620 --> 00:01:32.784 and yours is quite straight actually, 00:01:32.784 --> 00:01:34.593 and yours is going that way a wee bit; 00:01:34.593 --> 00:01:37.600 so apparently most of us tilt our heads one way or another. 00:01:37.600 --> 00:01:39.330 So when you approach a True Mirror, 00:01:39.330 --> 00:01:41.590 the first thing you try and do is fix your head, 00:01:41.590 --> 00:01:44.352 but, of course, because it's reversed you go the wrong way; 00:01:44.352 --> 00:01:46.580 so it's very, very disorientating. 00:01:46.580 --> 00:01:51.190 But more importantly, I had a flashback. 00:01:51.190 --> 00:01:53.200 I had a flashback to when I was a wee girl. 00:01:53.200 --> 00:01:54.470 I grew up in Glasgow - 00:01:54.470 --> 00:01:56.745 in case you haven't noticed, I am Scottish. 00:01:56.745 --> 00:01:59.280 I grew up in Glasgow, and my mom, 00:01:59.280 --> 00:02:00.950 when she was putting her makeup on, 00:02:00.950 --> 00:02:04.532 I used to love sitting and watching my mom putting her makeup on, 00:02:04.532 --> 00:02:06.430 you know, with my chin in my hands. 00:02:06.430 --> 00:02:08.990 And I would tell her occasionally: 00:02:08.990 --> 00:02:11.990 "Isn't it funny how one side of your top lip 00:02:11.990 --> 00:02:14.710 is higher than the other side of your top lip?" 00:02:14.710 --> 00:02:17.720 She'd look in the mirror and she'd say, "It is not." 00:02:17.720 --> 00:02:20.190 And I'd say: "No, it's only a couple of millimeters, 00:02:20.190 --> 00:02:22.720 but that side of your cupid's bow is definitely higher 00:02:22.720 --> 00:02:24.730 than the other side of your cupid's bow." 00:02:24.730 --> 00:02:26.750 She'd say, "Caroline, you're havering." 00:02:26.750 --> 00:02:29.270 When I looked in the True Mirror, 00:02:29.270 --> 00:02:31.160 there was the lip 00:02:31.160 --> 00:02:35.110 that I had been wearing, at that time, for maybe 45 years, 00:02:35.110 --> 00:02:37.710 and I'd never seen it. 00:02:37.710 --> 00:02:40.790 The difference is when you look in a regular mirror, 00:02:40.790 --> 00:02:42.784 you look for reassurance. 00:02:42.784 --> 00:02:45.510 You look for reassurance that you're beautiful, 00:02:45.510 --> 00:02:47.263 or you're young, or you're tidy, 00:02:47.263 --> 00:02:49.670 or your bum doesn't look big in that. 00:02:49.670 --> 00:02:51.950 But when you look in a True Mirror, 00:02:51.950 --> 00:02:53.743 you don't look at yourself, 00:02:53.743 --> 00:02:55.470 you look for yourself. 00:02:55.470 --> 00:02:58.390 You look for revelation, not for reassurance. 00:02:58.390 --> 00:03:00.590 And this was deeply interesting to me 00:03:00.590 --> 00:03:03.670 because what I do for a living is I help people be themselves. 00:03:03.670 --> 00:03:06.710 Not in any narcissistic or solipsistic way, 00:03:06.710 --> 00:03:10.110 but because I believe that social reformation begins, 00:03:10.110 --> 00:03:13.060 always starts with the individual. 00:03:13.060 --> 00:03:16.430 When you look at remarkable individuals - 00:03:16.430 --> 00:03:18.943 and when I say remarkable or successful individuals, 00:03:18.943 --> 00:03:21.790 I don't mean monetarily successful; 00:03:21.790 --> 00:03:24.030 I mean people that have been successful 00:03:24.030 --> 00:03:26.870 at achieving whatever they set out to do - 00:03:26.870 --> 00:03:29.230 you'll find that the thing they have in common 00:03:29.230 --> 00:03:32.110 is they have nothing in common. 00:03:32.110 --> 00:03:34.505 These are people who, you know, 00:03:34.505 --> 00:03:36.390 work in many of the fields I work in. 00:03:36.390 --> 00:03:38.950 I work with people in corporations, 00:03:38.950 --> 00:03:40.583 I work with captains of industry, 00:03:40.583 --> 00:03:42.423 I work with selected politicians. 00:03:42.423 --> 00:03:44.230 I've worked with geophysicists. 00:03:44.230 --> 00:03:46.230 I've worked with chamber orchestras 00:03:46.230 --> 00:03:50.423 and ballet dancers and pop star and opera singers, 00:03:50.423 --> 00:03:53.990 and I've identified the thread that links them. 00:03:53.990 --> 00:03:57.140 These are individuals who've managed to figure out the unique gift 00:03:57.140 --> 00:04:00.182 that the universe gave them when they incarnated, 00:04:00.182 --> 00:04:03.030 and then put that at the service of their goals. 00:04:03.030 --> 00:04:05.790 I think that we all come complete. 00:04:05.790 --> 00:04:09.140 We come complete with one true note we were destined to sing, 00:04:09.150 --> 00:04:11.940 and these are people that have managed to figure that out. 00:04:12.990 --> 00:04:16.350 It doesn't dictate your choice of job; 00:04:16.350 --> 00:04:19.190 what it dictates is how you do it. 00:04:19.190 --> 00:04:20.709 When we see these people 00:04:20.709 --> 00:04:22.664 we invariably call them larger than life. 00:04:22.664 --> 00:04:25.040 You know, you'll see somebody like Roberto Benigni, 00:04:25.040 --> 00:04:26.708 and you'll say, "Oh my goodness." 00:04:26.708 --> 00:04:28.910 Eve Ensler, she's larger than life, 00:04:28.910 --> 00:04:31.350 which always makes me smile 00:04:31.350 --> 00:04:33.680 because how could you be larger than life? 00:04:34.940 --> 00:04:36.240 Life is large. 00:04:36.890 --> 00:04:38.250 But most of us don't take up 00:04:38.250 --> 00:04:41.150 nearly the space the universe intended for us. 00:04:41.150 --> 00:04:43.620 We take up this wee space around our toes, 00:04:43.620 --> 00:04:46.990 which is why when you see somebody in the full flow of their humanity, 00:04:46.990 --> 00:04:48.580 it's remarkable. 00:04:48.580 --> 00:04:50.903 They're at least a foot bigger in every direction 00:04:50.903 --> 00:04:53.990 than normal human beings, and they shine, 00:04:53.990 --> 00:04:55.550 they gleam, 00:04:55.550 --> 00:04:56.990 they glow; 00:04:56.990 --> 00:04:58.830 it's like they've swallowed the moon. 00:04:59.630 --> 00:05:02.310 And all the work I've done has led me to believe 00:05:02.310 --> 00:05:06.080 that individuality really is all it's cracked up to be. 00:05:06.080 --> 00:05:09.030 In fact, people who are frightened to be themselves 00:05:09.030 --> 00:05:10.952 will work for those who aren't afraid. 00:05:11.945 --> 00:05:16.250 Now your job is not to be anything like any of the people 00:05:16.250 --> 00:05:18.262 that I put up behind me. 00:05:18.262 --> 00:05:22.310 In fact your job is to be as unlike them as you can possibly be. 00:05:22.310 --> 00:05:25.590 Your only job while you're here on the planet 00:05:25.590 --> 00:05:27.350 is to be as good at being you 00:05:27.350 --> 00:05:29.670 as they are at being them. 00:05:29.670 --> 00:05:30.720 That's the deal. 00:05:32.110 --> 00:05:34.870 So I want to start today by asking you 00:05:34.870 --> 00:05:37.426 an incredibly personal question. 00:05:37.426 --> 00:05:38.770 Not the one that says, 00:05:38.770 --> 00:05:42.762 "Why are there so many syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?". No. 00:05:42.762 --> 00:05:44.190 Not even the one that says, 00:05:44.190 --> 00:05:47.870 "Did you know that Britney Spears is an anagram for Presbyterian?". No. 00:05:47.870 --> 00:05:48.995 (Laughter) 00:05:48.995 --> 00:05:50.590 Something a wee bit more pivotal. 00:05:50.590 --> 00:05:54.210 In fact, this is a question that's been looking for you your whole life. 00:05:55.150 --> 00:05:56.910 It's probably the simplest 00:05:56.910 --> 00:05:59.780 and the most complicated question you'll ever ask. 00:06:00.700 --> 00:06:02.630 Yet how many times in your life 00:06:02.630 --> 00:06:05.342 has somebody offered you that well-meaning piece of advice 00:06:05.342 --> 00:06:07.403 that you should just be yourself? 00:06:07.403 --> 00:06:09.710 How many times have you said it to somebody else? 00:06:09.710 --> 00:06:12.790 One of your kids comes to you, or one of your team comes to you, 00:06:12.790 --> 00:06:15.300 and they tell you they're nervous, they're scared. 00:06:15.300 --> 00:06:17.920 They have to go and do something and their bold goes, 00:06:17.920 --> 00:06:20.200 and you say to them, "Darlin', just be yourself, 00:06:20.200 --> 00:06:23.230 because when you're yourself, you're fabulous." 00:06:23.230 --> 00:06:26.305 Now it always resonates because it's all we want to do. 00:06:26.305 --> 00:06:27.823 If you tell John to be himself, 00:06:27.823 --> 00:06:29.710 he doesn't want to be Mary. 00:06:29.710 --> 00:06:31.470 He's quite happy being himself, 00:06:31.470 --> 00:06:34.890 but it's the use of the word "just" that I find interesting 00:06:34.890 --> 00:06:36.550 because it would imply two things. 00:06:36.550 --> 00:06:39.000 Number one, that that was an easy thing to do. 00:06:39.000 --> 00:06:41.470 Number two, that it was an original piece of advice. 00:06:41.470 --> 00:06:44.100 You know, John had never thought about it himself. 00:06:46.520 --> 00:06:48.330 When it comes to being yourself, 00:06:48.330 --> 00:06:50.070 when it comes to being in the world, 00:06:50.070 --> 00:06:51.943 the minute you showed up, 00:06:51.943 --> 00:06:54.150 the minute you incarnated, 00:06:54.150 --> 00:06:55.720 you were given a life sentence. 00:06:56.900 --> 00:06:59.080 Now, you don't know how long you have. 00:06:59.840 --> 00:07:03.110 Maybe you have 70 years, and I have 62. 00:07:03.110 --> 00:07:05.583 We've no idea how long we have. 00:07:05.583 --> 00:07:07.790 Although, where you're born, 00:07:07.790 --> 00:07:10.120 when you're born, to whom you're born, 00:07:10.120 --> 00:07:13.502 all these things have a certain influence 00:07:13.502 --> 00:07:15.790 or impact on how you become who you become. 00:07:15.790 --> 00:07:17.390 If you're born in Switzerland, 00:07:17.390 --> 00:07:20.470 chances are you've got a long time to figure this shit out. 00:07:20.470 --> 00:07:24.920 If you're born in Zimbabwe or some parts of Glasgow, 00:07:24.920 --> 00:07:29.290 and I'm not kidding, you've got significantly less time. 00:07:29.290 --> 00:07:32.580 So what I want you to think about is not what your life expectancy is, 00:07:32.590 --> 00:07:35.070 but what do you expect from life? 00:07:35.070 --> 00:07:36.750 And what does life expect from you? 00:07:36.750 --> 00:07:38.600 Those are more interesting questions. 00:07:40.310 --> 00:07:45.180 And the two places in life where you are awesome at being yourself, 00:07:45.180 --> 00:07:48.270 you're fantastic at being yourself, 00:07:48.270 --> 00:07:50.170 one of them is when you're a kid. 00:07:50.860 --> 00:07:53.390 When you're a kid, you're fantastic at being yourself 00:07:53.390 --> 00:07:56.190 because you don't know how to disguise your differentness. 00:07:57.190 --> 00:07:59.070 That's why you see kids on the beach, 00:07:59.070 --> 00:08:01.020 you know, naked up until the age of five, 00:08:01.020 --> 00:08:03.080 and then suddenly at the age of six or seven 00:08:03.080 --> 00:08:05.230 they want a bathing suit, they want a bikini. 00:08:05.230 --> 00:08:07.030 Who's got a four-year-old boy? 00:08:07.030 --> 00:08:09.430 Anybody's got a four-year-old boy? 00:08:09.430 --> 00:08:10.990 I'll take a three-year-old. 00:08:10.990 --> 00:08:13.050 Jose, you've got a three-year-old boy. 00:08:13.570 --> 00:08:17.073 I want you to imagine I go into Eduardo's class in school, 00:08:17.073 --> 00:08:19.610 and it's a class of three-year-old boys, 00:08:19.610 --> 00:08:22.600 and I say to the boys, "Who's the strongest boy in the class?" 00:08:22.600 --> 00:08:24.230 What's going to happen? 00:08:24.920 --> 00:08:26.060 Every hand, right? 00:08:26.060 --> 00:08:28.130 Every single hand in the class will go up. 00:08:28.130 --> 00:08:29.910 They'll be competitively strong. 00:08:29.910 --> 00:08:31.620 If I go into the same class, 00:08:31.620 --> 00:08:35.750 but it's full of seven-year-old boys, and ask the same question, 00:08:35.750 --> 00:08:39.100 they'll say, "Him," because they know by time they're seven. 00:08:40.150 --> 00:08:41.590 He's the strong one, 00:08:41.590 --> 00:08:43.030 he's the fastest runner, 00:08:43.030 --> 00:08:44.224 he's the funny guy, 00:08:44.224 --> 00:08:45.390 he's the bully. 00:08:45.390 --> 00:08:47.110 Society archetype emerges 00:08:47.110 --> 00:08:49.420 around about the age of five, six, seven, eight. 00:08:49.420 --> 00:08:50.785 That's why the Jesuits say, 00:08:50.785 --> 00:08:53.910 "Give me a boy until the age of seven, and I'll show you the man," 00:08:53.910 --> 00:08:56.240 because that's the birth of consciousness. 00:08:56.240 --> 00:08:58.510 And from then on you become more self-conscious 00:08:58.510 --> 00:09:01.640 and by default less good at being yourself. 00:09:02.970 --> 00:09:05.320 The other place you're fantastic at being yourself 00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:07.030 is when you're a wrinkley, 00:09:07.030 --> 00:09:08.435 because you can't be arsed. 00:09:08.870 --> 00:09:10.490 You get to that stage in your life 00:09:10.490 --> 00:09:12.890 where you realize there are more summers behind you 00:09:12.890 --> 00:09:14.363 than there are in front of you, 00:09:14.363 --> 00:09:16.070 and everything intensifies. 00:09:16.070 --> 00:09:17.630 You become more honest; 00:09:17.630 --> 00:09:19.520 you become less compromising. 00:09:19.520 --> 00:09:21.010 So you're going to tell people, 00:09:21.010 --> 00:09:24.220 "I don't want the spinach, I'm not going to eat it, I don't like it. 00:09:24.220 --> 00:09:26.830 And I don't like jazz, so you can shut that noise off. 00:09:26.830 --> 00:09:28.910 And while I'm at it, I don't like you!" 00:09:28.910 --> 00:09:29.910 (Laughter) 00:09:29.910 --> 00:09:32.750 We call these people "eccentric." 00:09:32.750 --> 00:09:34.950 We call our oldies "eccentric." 00:09:34.950 --> 00:09:37.510 In fact, what they're doing is being authentic. 00:09:37.510 --> 00:09:39.483 So it's kind of like an hourglass effect: 00:09:39.483 --> 00:09:41.820 when you're young you're great at being yourself; 00:09:41.820 --> 00:09:44.040 when you're old you're great at being yourself; 00:09:44.040 --> 00:09:47.160 but the bit in the middle is sometimes the most problematic. 00:09:47.160 --> 00:09:49.190 That's the bit where you have to socialize; 00:09:49.190 --> 00:09:52.030 you have to accommodate; you have to adapt. 00:09:52.030 --> 00:09:54.823 So I've developed the "I complex," 00:09:54.823 --> 00:09:58.190 and the "I complex" is a model to help you figure out 00:09:58.190 --> 00:10:01.200 which "I" you mean when you say "I." 00:10:02.580 --> 00:10:05.260 You're very familiar with the superiority complex. 00:10:05.260 --> 00:10:07.900 If you have a superiority complex, you pretty much think 00:10:07.900 --> 00:10:10.100 you're the most important person in the room. 00:10:10.700 --> 00:10:13.230 If you've got an inferiority complex 00:10:13.230 --> 00:10:16.870 you suffer from an over-modest self-regard. 00:10:16.870 --> 00:10:20.510 These are both signs of a fragile ego. 00:10:20.510 --> 00:10:22.660 One of them is about delusions of grandeur, 00:10:22.660 --> 00:10:25.430 and the other one delusions of insignificance. 00:10:25.430 --> 00:10:28.160 There's a third way of being in the world, 00:10:29.150 --> 00:10:30.663 and I call it "interiority;" 00:10:30.663 --> 00:10:32.310 this is one of my made-up words. 00:10:32.310 --> 00:10:35.460 The word "interiority" describes a particular disposition, 00:10:35.460 --> 00:10:37.950 and there are two reasons it might be useful to you. 00:10:37.950 --> 00:10:40.350 Number one, it's completely uncomparative. 00:10:40.350 --> 00:10:43.750 If you have a superiority complex or an inferiority complex 00:10:43.750 --> 00:10:45.700 you need other people around. 00:10:45.700 --> 00:10:47.100 For a superiority complex 00:10:47.100 --> 00:10:48.910 you need other people to be smaller. 00:10:48.910 --> 00:10:51.110 For an inferiority complex you need to suffer 00:10:51.110 --> 00:10:53.070 from the I'm-gonna-be-found-out syndrome, 00:10:53.070 --> 00:10:54.760 so somebody needs to find you out. 00:10:55.830 --> 00:10:58.470 Interiority is entirely unrelative, 00:10:58.470 --> 00:11:01.350 so to operate from this position of interiority, 00:11:01.350 --> 00:11:03.670 it's like a perceptual vantage point. 00:11:03.670 --> 00:11:05.190 It's a sensibility. 00:11:05.190 --> 00:11:06.760 It's an orientation. 00:11:08.502 --> 00:11:10.710 And it's the only place in your life, 00:11:11.460 --> 00:11:13.384 the only place in your life, 00:11:13.384 --> 00:11:15.170 you have no competition. 00:11:16.090 --> 00:11:18.000 Try and find a comparison to yourself, 00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:19.440 and you'll draw a blank. 00:11:21.450 --> 00:11:25.210 I could talk to you about interiority till my tongue bleeds, 00:11:25.210 --> 00:11:27.430 or I could just show you what it looks like. 00:11:27.430 --> 00:11:30.082 So I want to introduce you to a woman called Jill Scott. 00:11:30.082 --> 00:11:32.229 You might have her on you iTunes playlist, 00:11:32.229 --> 00:11:35.550 but Jill's a singer, and she's just about to go on stage and perform, 00:11:35.550 --> 00:11:37.470 and in case you missed the question, 00:11:37.470 --> 00:11:39.833 there's a French filmmaker who's filming her. 00:11:39.833 --> 00:11:42.110 She's going on stage after Erykah Badu, 00:11:42.110 --> 00:11:45.230 and he says to her, "Are you nervous, 00:11:45.230 --> 00:11:47.390 you know, going on after Erykah?" 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:50.000 And I want you to listen to what she says. 00:11:52.110 --> 00:11:54.110 (Video) Jill Scott: That chick right there 00:11:54.110 --> 00:11:57.010 has definitely led the way for me and a lot of other sisters. 00:11:57.010 --> 00:11:58.373 You know, I appreciate it. 00:11:59.910 --> 00:12:02.960 Interviewer: Are you nervous you're going to perform after her? 00:12:02.960 --> 00:12:07.630 (Laughter) 00:12:07.633 --> 00:12:09.360 JS: Have you ever seen me perform? 00:12:10.850 --> 00:12:13.350 I am the lady Jill Scott. 00:12:13.350 --> 00:12:15.870 I am a poet, and a singer, 00:12:15.870 --> 00:12:18.010 and a lot of other things. 00:12:18.010 --> 00:12:20.870 We all have our own thing, that's the magic, 00:12:20.870 --> 00:12:23.663 and everybody comes with their own sense of strength, 00:12:23.663 --> 00:12:25.470 and their own queendom. 00:12:25.470 --> 00:12:27.064 Mine could never compare to hers, 00:12:27.064 --> 00:12:29.233 and hers could never compare to mine. 00:12:29.690 --> 00:12:33.150 Caroline McHugh: See, you didn't even know you had a queendom. 00:12:33.150 --> 00:12:34.710 That's what it looks like. 00:12:34.710 --> 00:12:36.640 When you figure out how to be yourself 00:12:36.640 --> 00:12:40.480 it's an incredibly liberating, untragic way to go through life. 00:12:40.944 --> 00:12:42.480 You don't develop an identity 00:12:42.480 --> 00:12:45.240 that's predicated on being a patchwork personality. 00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:46.970 You're not a composite, an amalgam, 00:12:46.970 --> 00:12:49.870 of all your experiences and influences. 00:12:49.870 --> 00:12:53.550 You're not just somebody's boss, or somebody's mom, 00:12:53.550 --> 00:12:55.830 or anybody's anything. 00:12:55.830 --> 00:12:56.960 You're yourself. 00:12:57.890 --> 00:13:00.180 However, the chances are, 00:13:00.180 --> 00:13:03.190 there are at least four of you sitting in each of those chairs, 00:13:03.190 --> 00:13:04.810 so let me introduce yourselves. 00:13:05.830 --> 00:13:09.000 The most visible "you" that you represent to the outside world 00:13:10.110 --> 00:13:12.670 is what everybody else thinks of you, 00:13:12.670 --> 00:13:15.400 and there are as many opinions of you as there are people. 00:13:15.400 --> 00:13:18.130 I want you to imagine you're like a big USB stick 00:13:18.130 --> 00:13:19.750 that you plug into the world. 00:13:19.750 --> 00:13:22.880 You show up on the desktop of the world. 00:13:22.880 --> 00:13:24.400 That's the power of context. 00:13:24.400 --> 00:13:26.370 If you don't understand that bit, 00:13:26.370 --> 00:13:28.550 being yourself can be an ill-advised strategy. 00:13:28.550 --> 00:13:32.070 So of course it's important that you understand perception, 00:13:32.070 --> 00:13:35.074 but one of the things I've noticed, in terms of gender, 00:13:35.074 --> 00:13:37.560 and I'm terribly, untragically woman by the way. 00:13:37.560 --> 00:13:41.466 I don't find myself tragically woman. 00:13:41.466 --> 00:13:45.830 I describe myself as a womanist, rather than a feminist, 00:13:45.830 --> 00:13:48.950 but I'm also a card-carrying feminist. 00:13:48.950 --> 00:13:51.830 There are very few things that I think are gender-specific, 00:13:51.830 --> 00:13:55.704 but one of them is something I call "approval addiction." 00:13:55.704 --> 00:13:59.200 The need to be liked, the need for approbation, 00:13:59.200 --> 00:14:02.790 or recognition, or for somebody to tell you it's okay. 00:14:02.790 --> 00:14:06.393 I find more woman suffer from that affliction than men, 00:14:06.393 --> 00:14:09.110 and I think it's one of the most debilitating things. 00:14:09.110 --> 00:14:11.150 When it comes to being yourself 00:14:11.150 --> 00:14:12.985 needing other people's approval, 00:14:12.985 --> 00:14:14.830 loving sombody else's opinion, 00:14:14.830 --> 00:14:16.552 and mistaking it for your own 00:14:16.552 --> 00:14:20.340 is one of the most debilitating things you'll do on the road to being yourself. 00:14:20.340 --> 00:14:23.600 You will never, ever be perception-less, 00:14:23.600 --> 00:14:25.873 but it's important to be perception-free. 00:14:27.111 --> 00:14:31.380 One of the things that is going to help you to be perception-free 00:14:31.380 --> 00:14:34.630 is to tune into the next circle of the "I complex." 00:14:34.630 --> 00:14:36.230 This is your wish image. 00:14:36.230 --> 00:14:39.670 This is what you would like everybody else to think of you, 00:14:39.670 --> 00:14:43.830 and it's not about being fake, or fad, or pretending. 00:14:43.830 --> 00:14:46.550 It's about moving; it's about possibility; 00:14:46.550 --> 00:14:48.950 it's about potential; it's about supposition. 00:14:48.950 --> 00:14:52.790 So, whilst there's a part of you that's like your backbone, 00:14:52.790 --> 00:14:55.360 this part of you is like your wishbone. 00:14:55.360 --> 00:14:58.840 This one is your adaptive personality, your construct self, 00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:00.870 and even that's unique 00:15:00.870 --> 00:15:02.390 because nobody in the world 00:15:02.390 --> 00:15:05.920 has had the same experiences or influences that you have. 00:15:06.490 --> 00:15:08.790 But this is the you that keeps moving, 00:15:08.790 --> 00:15:11.440 that keeps changing all the time. 00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:13.800 And it helps you avoid being one of those people ... 00:15:13.800 --> 00:15:16.864 You know the people that say to you they have 15 years experience 00:15:16.864 --> 00:15:19.670 when they mean one year, 15 times? 00:15:19.670 --> 00:15:21.582 They literally repeat themselves, 00:15:21.582 --> 00:15:24.290 year, after year, after year. 00:15:24.290 --> 00:15:27.190 What I want you to think about is with every passing year, 00:15:27.190 --> 00:15:30.020 your job is to be better and better 00:15:30.020 --> 00:15:32.030 at being who you already are. 00:15:32.030 --> 00:15:34.370 This is not a cosmetic exercise. 00:15:34.370 --> 00:15:36.022 You're already different. 00:15:36.022 --> 00:15:37.950 Your job is to figure out how, 00:15:37.950 --> 00:15:40.232 and then to be more of that. 00:15:41.563 --> 00:15:43.710 Now, there are certain times in your life 00:15:43.710 --> 00:15:45.982 that lend themselves to change, 00:15:45.982 --> 00:15:48.440 that make change quicker, deeper. 00:15:50.510 --> 00:15:53.040 I call them intervals of possibility. 00:15:53.760 --> 00:15:57.443 Now, they're not always as well sign-posted as this one, 00:15:57.443 --> 00:15:59.280 but you know those times in your life 00:15:59.280 --> 00:16:01.520 when you come to a bifurcation on the path, 00:16:01.520 --> 00:16:04.980 and you sense that the potential for change is heightened. 00:16:04.980 --> 00:16:06.730 You meet a stranger in a bar; 00:16:07.910 --> 00:16:10.630 you have to decide what you're going to do. 00:16:10.630 --> 00:16:12.900 Your boss comes to you and offers you a new job. 00:16:12.900 --> 00:16:15.540 What do you want, you want to keep doing the same thing, 00:16:15.540 --> 00:16:17.030 or do you want this job? 00:16:17.030 --> 00:16:19.870 And you know that if you make that change, 00:16:19.870 --> 00:16:21.554 the speed of your life will change. 00:16:23.472 --> 00:16:25.510 Unfortunately, some of these interventions, 00:16:25.510 --> 00:16:28.770 some of these intervals of possibility, are catastrophic. 00:16:28.770 --> 00:16:30.670 In fact, most of them are catastrophic 00:16:30.670 --> 00:16:32.670 'cause most of us would rather sleepwalk 00:16:32.670 --> 00:16:35.190 until something happens to wake us up. 00:16:35.190 --> 00:16:38.904 And what will happen is somebody you love will get sick, 00:16:38.904 --> 00:16:40.510 or you'll get sick, 00:16:40.510 --> 00:16:42.440 or you'll get fired. 00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:44.230 Or maybe it's something impersonal. 00:16:44.230 --> 00:16:46.312 Maybe 9/11 happens, or the tsunami happens, 00:16:46.312 --> 00:16:48.080 or the Kashmiri earthquake happens, 00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:53.030 but something happens that rocks you back into that inner self, 00:16:53.030 --> 00:16:56.590 and makes you ask the question I asked you at the beginning of this talk. 00:16:56.590 --> 00:16:59.310 The problem is when it happens catastrophically 00:16:59.310 --> 00:17:02.000 is you're vulnerable, you're weak. 00:17:03.470 --> 00:17:04.615 And my question is, 00:17:04.615 --> 00:17:07.693 why wouldn't you ask yourself these questions when you're strong, 00:17:07.693 --> 00:17:09.270 from a position of health? 00:17:09.270 --> 00:17:10.622 When you're in a job, 00:17:10.622 --> 00:17:11.869 when you're loved: 00:17:11.869 --> 00:17:14.280 that's when the questions become most useful. 00:17:15.560 --> 00:17:17.039 So the question on this one is, 00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:19.950 "If you could be the woman of your dreams, who would you be?" 00:17:19.950 --> 00:17:21.910 And my tongue's nowhere near my cheek 00:17:21.910 --> 00:17:23.319 when I ask you that question. 00:17:24.510 --> 00:17:27.356 The thing that might stop you being the woman of your dreams 00:17:27.356 --> 00:17:28.800 is the next circle, 00:17:28.800 --> 00:17:30.370 and that's what you think of you. 00:17:30.370 --> 00:17:32.390 So now you've got what others think of you, 00:17:32.390 --> 00:17:34.403 what you would like others to think of you, 00:17:34.403 --> 00:17:36.040 and this is what you think of you. 00:17:36.040 --> 00:17:38.060 And you have good days and bad days, right? 00:17:38.060 --> 00:17:41.300 There's days where you wake up and you think you're the bee's knees. 00:17:41.300 --> 00:17:42.690 And other days you wake up 00:17:42.690 --> 00:17:44.750 and you can't even say your name. 00:17:44.750 --> 00:17:47.110 Even your cellphone feels too heavy. 00:17:47.110 --> 00:17:48.590 On the days when you wake up 00:17:48.590 --> 00:17:50.343 and you feel like the bee's knees, 00:17:50.343 --> 00:17:52.470 it's not even like you've got a reason. 00:17:52.470 --> 00:17:55.390 It's like free-floating joy in your body 00:17:55.390 --> 00:17:56.790 just looking for a target, 00:17:56.790 --> 00:17:59.852 and you know how it feels on those days because (sizzling sound). 00:17:59.852 --> 00:18:02.790 You just think, "Somebody give me an audience; I'm on fire! 00:18:02.790 --> 00:18:04.993 Quick, point me somewhere!" 00:18:06.710 --> 00:18:09.310 And your hair's fabulous, and everything just works, 00:18:09.310 --> 00:18:11.430 everything works on those days. 00:18:11.430 --> 00:18:13.505 But the other days nothing works. 00:18:13.505 --> 00:18:15.950 Your legs don't work, your mouth doesn't work. 00:18:15.950 --> 00:18:20.150 The word thief comes and steals your entire vocabulary. 00:18:20.150 --> 00:18:22.590 Those are two extremes of your ego, 00:18:22.590 --> 00:18:25.070 and one of them is about self-congratulation, 00:18:25.070 --> 00:18:27.390 and the other one is about self-castigation. 00:18:27.390 --> 00:18:29.590 Now your entire life, I don't care who you are, 00:18:29.590 --> 00:18:31.190 I don't care how old you are, 00:18:31.190 --> 00:18:34.590 your entire life, from birth up until now 00:18:34.590 --> 00:18:37.642 has been about building a stable relationship with your ego. 00:18:38.830 --> 00:18:42.386 You need an ego to live in a Western, capitalist world. 00:18:42.386 --> 00:18:44.510 If you didn't have an ego you'd be toast. 00:18:45.550 --> 00:18:49.032 But your challenge is to take the ego from its dominant position 00:18:49.032 --> 00:18:52.573 and pull it back, so that it's in service to yourself. 00:18:52.573 --> 00:18:55.690 That's when it becomes useful, and in order to do that 00:18:55.690 --> 00:19:00.070 you've got to find the still point right in the middle of those two extremes. 00:19:00.070 --> 00:19:02.970 That's what I would call equanimity, or equilibrium, 00:19:02.970 --> 00:19:04.950 and it's the kind of state of mind 00:19:04.950 --> 00:19:07.510 that cannot be perfumed in any way 00:19:07.510 --> 00:19:09.510 by anything that happens outside you. 00:19:09.510 --> 00:19:11.990 This kind of confidence that comes from there 00:19:11.990 --> 00:19:14.262 is like the confidence of the sky. 00:19:14.262 --> 00:19:16.470 Right now it's dark outside, 00:19:16.470 --> 00:19:18.470 but you know if you went up in a plane, 00:19:18.470 --> 00:19:20.430 even in the stormiest of days, 00:19:20.430 --> 00:19:22.640 the sky's brilliant blue underneath. 00:19:23.830 --> 00:19:26.510 When you look at the sky, and it's made a rainbow, 00:19:26.510 --> 00:19:28.190 and it's absolutely gorgeous, 00:19:28.190 --> 00:19:30.550 there's no question that the sky's up there going, 00:19:30.550 --> 00:19:32.790 "Ha, did you see my rainbow?" 00:19:32.790 --> 00:19:34.430 Or when it's a terrible, bleak, 00:19:34.430 --> 00:19:36.382 you know, gray, gloomy day, 00:19:36.382 --> 00:19:38.030 that the sky's going to apologize. 00:19:38.030 --> 00:19:39.903 No, the sky just is, 00:19:39.903 --> 00:19:43.030 because the sky sees the impermanence of the clouds, 00:19:43.030 --> 00:19:45.040 and the impermanence of the rainbows, 00:19:45.040 --> 00:19:47.680 and you have to develop an inner state of mind 00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:51.593 that's as impervious to all the good shit and bad shit that happens to you 00:19:51.593 --> 00:19:53.640 as the sky is to the weather. 00:19:55.230 --> 00:19:57.550 We would also call this, in a Western context, 00:19:57.550 --> 00:20:00.310 we would call this feeling a feeling of humility, 00:20:00.310 --> 00:20:04.540 and one day last week where I got to work with UK Sport, 00:20:04.550 --> 00:20:08.662 and particularly, I got to work with the amazing coaches, 00:20:08.662 --> 00:20:11.430 who worked with the amazing Olympic athletes, 00:20:11.430 --> 00:20:14.590 who got all those amazing results at the Summer Olympics. 00:20:14.590 --> 00:20:17.912 It was incredible to be in the same room as 400 of these people. 00:20:19.240 --> 00:20:22.240 The woman who runs UK Sport is a woman called Baroness Campbell, 00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:24.180 and she gave me a definition of humility 00:20:24.180 --> 00:20:26.150 that's as good as any I've ever found. 00:20:26.150 --> 00:20:30.470 She said, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself; 00:20:30.470 --> 00:20:33.480 humility is thinking about yourself less." 00:20:34.915 --> 00:20:38.020 And I remembered learning that lesson when I was a wee girl 00:20:38.020 --> 00:20:39.970 and probably no more than seven or eight, 00:20:39.970 --> 00:20:43.062 it was the woman with the squinty mouth that taught me the lesson. 00:20:43.062 --> 00:20:44.373 She had no idea, my mother, 00:20:44.373 --> 00:20:46.670 what she was doing to me as I was growing up, 00:20:46.670 --> 00:20:49.010 but when I grew up in Glasgow, 00:20:49.010 --> 00:20:52.543 particularly working-class, steel-industry Glasgow, 00:20:52.543 --> 00:20:54.092 nobody had any money, 00:20:54.092 --> 00:20:57.342 so nobody could afford to go out and be entertained. 00:20:57.342 --> 00:20:59.970 Everybody's social life happened in a house, 00:20:59.970 --> 00:21:02.472 so at the weekends, all the wrinklys and all the kids 00:21:02.472 --> 00:21:04.050 would show up at people's houses, 00:21:04.050 --> 00:21:06.810 and they would drink 'til their kneecaps were on backwards, 00:21:06.810 --> 00:21:08.120 and all that kind of stuff, 00:21:08.120 --> 00:21:10.990 but everybody at some point in the evening had to perform. 00:21:10.990 --> 00:21:14.010 And it was a riot, because these people were bus conductresses, 00:21:14.010 --> 00:21:17.480 and welders, and carpenters by daytime, 00:21:17.480 --> 00:21:19.270 but then they'd show up at nighttime 00:21:19.270 --> 00:21:21.030 and come and be Frank Sinatra, 00:21:21.030 --> 00:21:23.110 and Dean Martin, and Sarah Vaughan, 00:21:23.110 --> 00:21:24.190 and Billy Eckstine. 00:21:24.190 --> 00:21:27.400 They were all... in my house it was like a star-studded affair, 00:21:27.400 --> 00:21:28.750 living in my house, 00:21:28.750 --> 00:21:31.102 and all the kids were taught to perform as well. 00:21:31.102 --> 00:21:33.350 And so, I'm the oldest of four girls - 00:21:33.350 --> 00:21:35.224 my mother had four daughters. 00:21:35.224 --> 00:21:37.200 So did my father, interestingly enough. 00:21:37.200 --> 00:21:40.850 But we were brought up from any age to perform, 00:21:40.850 --> 00:21:43.150 and we'd be wheeled out at these family parties, 00:21:43.150 --> 00:21:45.270 me with my guitar and my sisters around me, 00:21:45.270 --> 00:21:46.430 and we'd have to sing. 00:21:46.430 --> 00:21:49.070 We'd be literally positioned, Jose, like the Von Trapps. 00:21:49.070 --> 00:21:51.960 You know, my father would say, "Beneda there, Louise there," 00:21:51.960 --> 00:21:54.200 and then we would sing, and we were terrible. 00:21:54.200 --> 00:21:56.170 We were absolutely rubbish. 00:21:57.480 --> 00:22:01.032 One night my mother came up to get us and we were having pillow fights 00:22:01.032 --> 00:22:03.990 she showed up and she said, "Right lasses, everybody's ready. 00:22:03.990 --> 00:22:05.460 Go down and give them a song." 00:22:05.460 --> 00:22:07.783 And this night I was just overcome. 00:22:07.783 --> 00:22:09.710 I said, "I don't want to sing." 00:22:09.710 --> 00:22:11.732 She said, "Why do you not want to sing?" 00:22:12.520 --> 00:22:13.690 I said, "I'm shy." 00:22:14.180 --> 00:22:16.830 She said, "What're you shy for?" 00:22:16.830 --> 00:22:19.423 I said, "Well, everybody's going to be looking at me," 00:22:19.423 --> 00:22:21.265 and I'll never forget her face. 00:22:21.265 --> 00:22:25.112 She looked at me, she said, "Caroline, don't flatter yourself, darlin'. 00:22:25.112 --> 00:22:26.030 (Laughter) 00:22:26.030 --> 00:22:29.010 You think anybody downstairs is interested in you? They're not. 00:22:29.010 --> 00:22:31.530 Your job's to go and make them happy, so go and sing." 00:22:31.530 --> 00:22:33.950 I said "okay", and I picked up my guitar 00:22:33.950 --> 00:22:36.230 and I picked up my sisters, and you know what? 00:22:36.230 --> 00:22:38.945 That advice has never left me. 00:22:38.945 --> 00:22:41.030 But what it has left me with 00:22:41.030 --> 00:22:44.950 is spectacular disregard for where my abilities end, 00:22:44.950 --> 00:22:48.630 and spectacular disregard for being the center of attention. 00:22:48.630 --> 00:22:52.580 In fact, since that day, I have never been the center of attention. 00:22:52.580 --> 00:22:54.790 You're the center of mine, 00:22:54.790 --> 00:22:56.880 and that's a very different feeling. 00:22:58.030 --> 00:23:00.250 So last, the last you, 00:23:00.250 --> 00:23:02.306 and the opposite of least, 00:23:02.306 --> 00:23:04.910 is the ever-present unchanging you. 00:23:04.910 --> 00:23:08.103 This is the you that you've been since you were seven, 00:23:08.103 --> 00:23:12.630 and the you that you'll be when you're 107, please God. 00:23:12.630 --> 00:23:15.310 I spend a lot of time in India, 00:23:15.310 --> 00:23:18.950 and in India you're raised with this feeling 00:23:18.950 --> 00:23:22.640 that you're a spiritual being who happens to be in a physical body, 00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:25.800 whereas we in the West are much more into our physical bodies, 00:23:25.800 --> 00:23:28.673 and then if we get old enough and long in the tooth enough, 00:23:28.673 --> 00:23:30.950 we kind of get interested in spirit. 00:23:30.950 --> 00:23:33.650 But, if you've ever been to the Gandhi museum in Delhi 00:23:33.650 --> 00:23:36.350 you'll know that this is the line that is above the door, 00:23:36.350 --> 00:23:39.440 and it was actually a response by Gandhi 00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:41.103 to a question from a journalist. 00:23:41.103 --> 00:23:42.560 Gandhi was getting on a train 00:23:42.560 --> 00:23:44.320 and the journalist called after him, 00:23:44.320 --> 00:23:48.110 "Gandhiji, Gandhiji, what's your message to the world?" 00:23:48.110 --> 00:23:50.190 And Gandhi turned around and said, 00:23:50.190 --> 00:23:51.880 "My life. 00:23:51.880 --> 00:23:54.590 My life's my message." 00:23:54.590 --> 00:23:56.903 And your life is your message, too. 00:23:56.903 --> 00:23:59.090 It might not be as big a message as Gandhi's - 00:23:59.090 --> 00:24:00.470 mine certainly isn't - 00:24:00.470 --> 00:24:02.312 but your life has to be your message. 00:24:02.312 --> 00:24:04.310 Otherwise, why are you here? 00:24:05.510 --> 00:24:07.170 It's not like you've got a spare. 00:24:09.070 --> 00:24:11.390 So when you think about your identity, 00:24:11.390 --> 00:24:14.000 when you think about what it means to be alive, 00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:17.950 when you think about why you deserve to exist, 00:24:17.950 --> 00:24:22.360 you're not your thoughts, because you think them. 00:24:22.360 --> 00:24:24.000 And you can't be your feelings, 00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:27.350 because otherwise, who's the you that feels them? 00:24:27.350 --> 00:24:30.870 You're not what you have; you're not what you do; 00:24:30.870 --> 00:24:33.870 you're not even who you love, or who loves you. 00:24:33.870 --> 00:24:36.640 There has to be something underneath all that. 00:24:38.230 --> 00:24:42.830 When you look at people who have managed to transcend 00:24:42.830 --> 00:24:45.780 all these judgments that we put upon them - 00:24:45.780 --> 00:24:50.710 You know, this man here, he couldn't be judged as a man, 00:24:50.710 --> 00:24:53.590 or a black man, or young, or old, 00:24:53.590 --> 00:24:55.230 or Democrat, or Republican, 00:24:55.230 --> 00:24:56.440 nor a gay, or a straight. 00:24:56.440 --> 00:24:58.750 It really, really wouldn't have mattered 00:24:58.750 --> 00:25:01.120 because he knew why he was here. 00:25:02.104 --> 00:25:03.240 Yes, we can. 00:25:04.190 --> 00:25:06.320 So you see, he seemed to be a verb. 00:25:07.870 --> 00:25:09.313 Even when you're born 00:25:09.313 --> 00:25:13.440 without many of the attributes that some of your peers may have, 00:25:13.440 --> 00:25:15.510 even when you're born in a way 00:25:15.510 --> 00:25:17.383 that may lead you to feel impotent, 00:25:17.383 --> 00:25:20.190 if you can tap into that voice, 00:25:20.190 --> 00:25:22.280 if you can tap into that inner voice 00:25:22.280 --> 00:25:24.160 that I've been talking about, 00:25:24.160 --> 00:25:26.143 you might just end up being, 00:25:26.143 --> 00:25:29.590 at 12 years old, the youngest person ever called 00:25:29.590 --> 00:25:33.183 to the National World Champion Swim Team. 00:25:33.183 --> 00:25:36.510 You might even end up at the age of 13 00:25:36.510 --> 00:25:40.870 being the youngest Olympian gold medal winner, ever. 00:25:40.870 --> 00:25:42.470 You might even end up at 14 00:25:42.470 --> 00:25:45.110 being the youngest person ever to get an MBE. 00:25:45.110 --> 00:25:49.390 That's what happens when you dial in to the personal pronoun. 00:25:49.390 --> 00:25:50.980 So if you can do this, 00:25:50.980 --> 00:25:54.350 not only will the speed of your life get quicker, 00:25:54.350 --> 00:25:58.150 not only will the substance of your life get richer, 00:25:58.150 --> 00:26:01.950 but you will never feel superfluous again. 00:26:01.950 --> 00:26:05.096 (Applause) 00:26:09.856 --> 00:26:12.566 Thank you.