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The chances are

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you've looked in at least
one mirror today.

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You've had a shave,
or you combed your hair,

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or maybe you checked
your teeth for spinach after lunch,

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but what you didn't know

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is that the face looking back at you

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isn't the face that everybody else sees.

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It's a kind of reversed, distorted,

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back-to-front image.

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Some years ago,
I was on a flight to New York,

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and I read an article in the FT,

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and it was an article about a phenomenon
called a True Mirror -

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and for the Americans listening,
that's a mirror.

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The True Mirror was actually invented

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by a brother and sister team in New York,

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called John and Catherine Walters.

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What they discovered
is if you take two mirrors,

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and you put them together at right angles,

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and you take the seam away,

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the images bounce off each other.

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What you see when you look
in a True Mirror

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is exactly what other people
see when they look at you.

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So, I land in New York,
and I phone John up,

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and ask him if I can go and see him,

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and I end up in his gallery in Brooklyn;

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it was like being
at a sideshow in the circus.

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There were True Mirrors

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full length, face sized,
all over this gallery.

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When I walked over
to the True Mirror for the first time,

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and I looked in the mirror,

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it was one of the most disorientating
experiences I've ever had in my life.

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The first thing you notice
when you look in a True Mirror

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is that your head's not on straight.

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Yours is kind of going that way,

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and yours is quite straight actually,

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and yours is going that way a wee bit;

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so apparently most of us
tilt our heads one way or another.

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So when you approach a True Mirror,

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the first thing you try and do
is fix your head,

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but, of course, because it's reversed
you go the wrong way;

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so it's very, very disorientating.

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But more importantly, I had a flashback.

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I had a flashback
to when I was a wee girl.

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I grew up in Glasgow -

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in case you haven't noticed,
I am Scottish.

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I grew up in Glasgow, and my mom,

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when she was putting her makeup on,

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I used to love sitting and watching
my mom putting her makeup on,

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you know, with my chin in my hands.

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And I would tell her occasionally:

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"Isn't it funny
how one side of your top lip

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is higher than the other side
of your top lip?"

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She'd look in the mirror
and she'd say, "It is not."

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And I'd say: "No, it's only
a couple of millimeters,

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but that side of your cupid's bow
is definitely higher

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than the other side of your cupid's bow."

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She'd say, "Caroline, you're havering."

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When I looked in the True Mirror,

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there was the lip

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that I had been wearing,
at that time, for maybe 45 years,

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and I'd never seen it.

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The difference is
when you look in a regular mirror,

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you look for reassurance.

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You look for reassurance
that you're beautiful,

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or you're young, or you're tidy,

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or your bum doesn't look big in that.

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But when you look in a True Mirror,

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you don't look at yourself,

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you look for yourself.

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You look for revelation,
not for reassurance.

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And this was deeply interesting to me

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because what I do for a living
is I help people be themselves.

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Not in any narcissistic
or solipsistic way,

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but because I believe
that social reformation begins,

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always starts with the individual.

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When you look at remarkable individuals -

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and when I say remarkable
or successful individuals,

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I don't mean monetarily successful;

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I mean people that have been successful

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at achieving whatever they set out to do -

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you'll find that the thing
they have in common

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is they have nothing in common.

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These are people who, you know,

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work in many of the fields I work in.

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I work with people in corporations,

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I work with captains of industry,

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I work with selected politicians.

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I've worked with geophysicists.

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I've worked with chamber orchestras

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and ballet dancers
and pop star and opera singers,

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and I've identified
the thread that links them.

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These are individuals who've managed
to figure out the unique gift

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that the universe gave them
when they incarnated,

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and then put that
at the service of their goals.

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I think that we all come complete.

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We come complete with one true note
we were destined to sing,

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and these are people
that have managed to figure that out.

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It doesn't dictate your choice of job;

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what it dictates is how you do it.

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When we see these people

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we invariably call them larger than life.

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You know, you'll see
somebody like Roberto Benigni,

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and you'll say, "Oh my goodness."

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Eve Ensler, she's larger than life,

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which always makes me smile

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because how could you be larger than life?

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Life is large.

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But most of us don't take up

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nearly the space
the universe intended for us.

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We take up this wee space around our toes,

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which is why when you see somebody
in the full flow of their humanity,

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it's remarkable.

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They're at least a foot
bigger in every direction

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than normal human beings, and they shine,

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they gleam,

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they glow;

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it's like they've swallowed the moon.

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And all the work I've done
has led me to believe

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that individuality really is
all it's cracked up to be.

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In fact, people who are
frightened to be themselves

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will work for those who aren't afraid.

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Now your job is not to be
anything like any of the people

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that I put up behind me.

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In fact your job is to be as unlike them
as you can possibly be.

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Your only job while you're
here on the planet

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is to be as good at being you

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as they are at being them.

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That's the deal.

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So I want to start today by asking you

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an incredibly personal question.

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Not the one that says,

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"Why are there so many syllables
in the word 'monosyllabic'?". No.

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Not even the one that says,

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"Did you know that Britney Spears
is an anagram for Presbyterian?". No.

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(Laughter)

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Something a wee bit more pivotal.

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In fact, this is a question that's been
looking for you your whole life.

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It's probably the simplest

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and the most complicated
question you'll ever ask.

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Yet how many times in your life

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has somebody offered you
that well-meaning piece of advice

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that you should just be yourself?

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How many times have you
said it to somebody else?

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One of your kids comes to you,
or one of your team comes to you,

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and they tell you they're nervous,
they're scared.

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They have to go and do something
and their bold goes,

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and you say to them,
"Darlin', just be yourself,

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because when you're
yourself, you're fabulous."

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Now it always resonates
because it's all we want to do.

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If you tell John to be himself,

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he doesn't want to be Mary.

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He's quite happy being himself,

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but it's the use of the word
"just" that I find interesting

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because it would imply two things.

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Number one, that that was
an easy thing to do.

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Number two, that it was
an original piece of advice.

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You know, John had never
thought about it himself.

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When it comes to being yourself,

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when it comes to being in the world,

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the minute you showed up,

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the minute you incarnated,

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you were given a life sentence.

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Now, you don't know how long you have.

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Maybe you have 70 years, and I have 62.

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We've no idea how long we have.

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Although, where you're born,

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when you're born, to whom you're born,

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all these things have a certain influence

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or impact on how you
become who you become.

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If you're born in Switzerland,

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chances are you've got a long time
to figure this shit out.

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If you're born in Zimbabwe
or some parts of Glasgow,

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and I'm not kidding,
you've got significantly less time.

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So what I want you to think about
is not what your life expectancy is,

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but what do you expect from life?

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And what does life expect from you?

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Those are more interesting questions.

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And the two places in life
where you are awesome at being yourself,

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you're fantastic at being yourself,

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one of them is when you're a kid.

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When you're a kid,
you're fantastic at being yourself

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because you don't know how to
disguise your differentness.

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That's why you see kids on the beach,

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you know, naked up until the age of five,

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and then suddenly
at the age of six or seven

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they want a bathing suit,
they want a bikini.

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Who's got a four-year-old boy?

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Anybody's got a four-year-old boy?

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I'll take a three-year-old.

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Jose, you've got a three-year-old boy.

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I want you to imagine
I go into Eduardo's class in school,

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and it's a class of three-year-old boys,

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and I say to the boys,
"Who's the strongest boy in the class?"

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What's going to happen?

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Every hand, right?

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Every single hand in the class will go up.

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They'll be competitively strong.

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If I go into the same class,

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but it's full of seven-year-old boys,
and ask the same question,

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they'll say, "Him," because they
know by time they're seven.

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He's the strong one,

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he's the fastest runner,

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he's the funny guy,

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he's the bully.

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Society archetype emerges

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around about the age
of five, six, seven, eight.

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That's why the Jesuits say,

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"Give me a boy until the age of seven,
and I'll show you the man,"

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because that's the birth of consciousness.

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And from then on
you become more self-conscious

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and by default less good
at being yourself.

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The other place you're fantastic
at being yourself

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is when you're a wrinkley,

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because you can't be arsed.

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You get to that stage in your life

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where you realize
there are more summers behind you

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than there are in front of you,

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and everything intensifies.

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You become more honest;

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you become less compromising.

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So you're going to tell people,

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"I don't want the spinach,
I'm not going to eat it, I don't like it.

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And I don't like jazz,
so you can shut that noise off.

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And while I'm at it, I don't like you!"

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(Laughter)

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We call these people "eccentric."

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We call our oldies "eccentric."

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In fact, what they're doing
is being authentic.

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So it's kind of like an hourglass effect:

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when you're young
you're great at being yourself;

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when you're old
you're great at being yourself;

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but the bit in the middle
is sometimes the most problematic.

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That's the bit
where you have to socialize;

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you have to accommodate;
you have to adapt.

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So I've developed the "I complex,"

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and the "I complex"
is a model to help you figure out

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which "I" you mean when you say "I."

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You're very familiar
with the superiority complex.

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If you have a superiority complex,
you pretty much think

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you're the most important
person in the room.

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If you've got an inferiority complex

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you suffer from
an over-modest self-regard.

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These are both signs of a fragile ego.

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One of them
is about delusions of grandeur,

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and the other one
delusions of insignificance.

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There's a third way of being in the world,

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and I call it "interiority;"

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this is one of my made-up words.

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The word "interiority"
describes a particular disposition,

250
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,950
and there are two reasons
it might be useful to you.

251
00:10:37,950 --> 00:10:40,350
Number one, it's completely uncomparative.

252
00:10:40,350 --> 00:10:43,750
If you have a superiority complex
or an inferiority complex

253
00:10:43,750 --> 00:10:45,700
you need other people around.

254
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:47,100
For a superiority complex

255
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:48,910
you need other people to be smaller.

256
00:10:48,910 --> 00:10:51,110
For an inferiority complex
you need to suffer

257
00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:53,070
from the I'm-gonna-be-found-out syndrome,

258
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:54,760
so somebody needs to find you out.

259
00:10:55,830 --> 00:10:58,470
Interiority is entirely unrelative,

260
00:10:58,470 --> 00:11:01,350
so to operate from this
position of interiority,

261
00:11:01,350 --> 00:11:03,670
it's like a perceptual vantage point.

262
00:11:03,670 --> 00:11:05,190
It's a sensibility.

263
00:11:05,190 --> 00:11:06,760
It's an orientation.

264
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,710
And it's the only place in your life,

265
00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:13,384
the only place in your life,

266
00:11:13,384 --> 00:11:15,170
you have no competition.

267
00:11:16,090 --> 00:11:18,000
Try and find a comparison to yourself,

268
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,440
and you'll draw a blank.

269
00:11:21,450 --> 00:11:25,210
I could talk to you about interiority
till my tongue bleeds,

270
00:11:25,210 --> 00:11:27,430
or I could just show you
what it looks like.

271
00:11:27,430 --> 00:11:30,082
So I want to introduce you
to a woman called Jill Scott.

272
00:11:30,082 --> 00:11:32,229
You might have her on you iTunes playlist,

273
00:11:32,229 --> 00:11:35,550
but Jill's a singer, and she's just about
to go on stage and perform,

274
00:11:35,550 --> 00:11:37,470
and in case you missed the question,

275
00:11:37,470 --> 00:11:39,833
there's a French filmmaker
who's filming her.

276
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:42,110
She's going on stage after Erykah Badu,

277
00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:45,230
and he says to her, "Are you nervous,

278
00:11:45,230 --> 00:11:47,390
you know, going on after Erykah?"

279
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,000
And I want you to listen to what she says.

280
00:11:52,110 --> 00:11:54,110
(Video) Jill Scott: That chick right there


281
00:11:54,110 --> 00:11:57,010
has definitely led the way for me
and a lot of other sisters.

282
00:11:57,010 --> 00:11:58,373
You know, I appreciate it.

283
00:11:59,910 --> 00:12:02,960
Interviewer: Are you nervous
you're going to perform after her?

284
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:07,630
(Laughter)

285
00:12:07,633 --> 00:12:09,360
JS: Have you ever seen me perform?

286
00:12:10,850 --> 00:12:13,350
I am the lady Jill Scott.

287
00:12:13,350 --> 00:12:15,870
I am a poet, and a singer,

288
00:12:15,870 --> 00:12:18,010
and a lot of other things.

289
00:12:18,010 --> 00:12:20,870
We all have our own thing,
that's the magic,

290
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:23,663
and everybody comes
with their own sense of strength,

291
00:12:23,663 --> 00:12:25,470
and their own queendom.

292
00:12:25,470 --> 00:12:27,064
Mine could never compare to hers,

293
00:12:27,064 --> 00:12:29,233
and hers could never compare to mine.

294
00:12:29,690 --> 00:12:33,150
Caroline McHugh: See, you didn't
even know you had a queendom.

295
00:12:33,150 --> 00:12:34,710
That's what it looks like.

296
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,640
When you figure out how to be yourself

297
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:40,480
it's an incredibly liberating,
untragic way to go through life.

298
00:12:40,944 --> 00:12:42,480
You don't develop an identity

299
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,240
that's predicated on being
a patchwork personality.

300
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:46,970
You're not a composite, an amalgam,

301
00:12:46,970 --> 00:12:49,870
of all your experiences and influences.

302
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:53,550
You're not just somebody's boss,
or somebody's mom,

303
00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:55,830
or anybody's anything.

304
00:12:55,830 --> 00:12:56,960
You're yourself.

305
00:12:57,890 --> 00:13:00,180
However, the chances are,


306
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:03,190
there are at least four of you
sitting in each of those chairs,

307
00:13:03,190 --> 00:13:04,810
so let me introduce yourselves.

308
00:13:05,830 --> 00:13:09,000
The most visible "you"
that you represent to the outside world

309
00:13:10,110 --> 00:13:12,670
is what everybody else thinks of you,

310
00:13:12,670 --> 00:13:15,400
and there are as many opinions of you
as there are people.

311
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,130
I want you to imagine
you're like a big USB stick

312
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,750
that you plug into the world.

313
00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:22,880
You show up on the desktop of the world.

314
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,400
That's the power of context.

315
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,370
If you don't understand that bit,

316
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,550
being yourself can be
an ill-advised strategy.

317
00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:32,070
So of course it's important
that you understand perception,

318
00:13:32,070 --> 00:13:35,074
but one of the things I've noticed,
in terms of gender,

319
00:13:35,074 --> 00:13:37,560
and I'm terribly,
untragically woman by the way.

320
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:41,466
I don't find myself tragically woman.

321
00:13:41,466 --> 00:13:45,830
I describe myself as a womanist,
rather than a feminist,

322
00:13:45,830 --> 00:13:48,950
but I'm also a card-carrying feminist.

323
00:13:48,950 --> 00:13:51,830
There are very few things
that I think are gender-specific,

324
00:13:51,830 --> 00:13:55,704
but one of them is something
I call "approval addiction."

325
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:59,200
The need to be liked,
the need for approbation,

326
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,790
or recognition, or for somebody
to tell you it's okay.

327
00:14:02,790 --> 00:14:06,393
I find more woman suffer
from that affliction than men,

328
00:14:06,393 --> 00:14:09,110
and I think it's one
of the most debilitating things.

329
00:14:09,110 --> 00:14:11,150
When it comes to being yourself

330
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:12,985
needing other people's approval,

331
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:14,830
loving sombody else's opinion,

332
00:14:14,830 --> 00:14:16,552
and mistaking it for your own

333
00:14:16,552 --> 00:14:20,340
is one of the most debilitating things
you'll do on the road to being yourself.

334
00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:23,600
You will never, ever be perception-less,

335
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,873
but it's important to be perception-free.

336
00:14:27,111 --> 00:14:31,380
One of the things that is going
to help you to be perception-free

337
00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:34,630
is to tune into the next circle
of the "I complex."

338
00:14:34,630 --> 00:14:36,230
This is your wish image.

339
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:39,670
This is what you would like
everybody else to think of you,

340
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:43,830
and it's not about being fake,
or fad, or pretending.

341
00:14:43,830 --> 00:14:46,550
It's about moving; it's about possibility;

342
00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:48,950
it's about potential;
it's about supposition.

343
00:14:48,950 --> 00:14:52,790
So, whilst there's a part of you
that's like your backbone,

344
00:14:52,790 --> 00:14:55,360
this part of you is like your wishbone.

345
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:58,840
This one is your adaptive personality,
your construct self,

346
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,870
and even that's unique

347
00:15:00,870 --> 00:15:02,390
because nobody in the world

348
00:15:02,390 --> 00:15:05,920
has had the same experiences
or influences that you have.

349
00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:08,790
But this is the you that keeps moving,

350
00:15:08,790 --> 00:15:11,440
that keeps changing all the time.

351
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,800
And it helps you avoid
being one of those people ...

352
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,864
You know the people that say to you
they have 15 years experience

353
00:15:16,864 --> 00:15:19,670
when they mean one year, 15 times?

354
00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:21,582
They literally repeat themselves,

355
00:15:21,582 --> 00:15:24,290
year, after year, after year.

356
00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:27,190
What I want you to think about
is with every passing year,

357
00:15:27,190 --> 00:15:30,020
your job is to be better and better

358
00:15:30,020 --> 00:15:32,030
at being who you already are.

359
00:15:32,030 --> 00:15:34,370
This is not a cosmetic exercise.

360
00:15:34,370 --> 00:15:36,022
You're already different.

361
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,950
Your job is to figure out how,

362
00:15:37,950 --> 00:15:40,232
and then to be more of that.

363
00:15:41,563 --> 00:15:43,710
Now, there are certain times in your life

364
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,982
that lend themselves to change,

365
00:15:45,982 --> 00:15:48,440
that make change quicker, deeper.

366
00:15:50,510 --> 00:15:53,040
I call them intervals of possibility.

367
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:57,443
Now, they're not always
as well sign-posted as this one,

368
00:15:57,443 --> 00:15:59,280
but you know those times in your life

369
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,520
when you come
to a bifurcation on the path,

370
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,980
and you sense that the potential
for change is heightened.

371
00:16:04,980 --> 00:16:06,730
You meet a stranger in a bar;

372
00:16:07,910 --> 00:16:10,630
you have to decide
what you're going to do.

373
00:16:10,630 --> 00:16:12,900
Your boss comes to you
and offers you a new job.

374
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:15,540
What do you want, you want
to keep doing the same thing,

375
00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:17,030
or do you want this job?

376
00:16:17,030 --> 00:16:19,870
And you know that if you make that change,

377
00:16:19,870 --> 00:16:21,554
the speed of your life will change.

378
00:16:23,472 --> 00:16:25,510
Unfortunately,
some of these interventions,

379
00:16:25,510 --> 00:16:28,770
some of these intervals
of possibility, are catastrophic.

380
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:30,670
In fact, most of them are catastrophic

381
00:16:30,670 --> 00:16:32,670
'cause most of us would rather sleepwalk

382
00:16:32,670 --> 00:16:35,190
until something happens to wake us up.

383
00:16:35,190 --> 00:16:38,904
And what will happen is
somebody you love will get sick,

384
00:16:38,904 --> 00:16:40,510
or you'll get sick,

385
00:16:40,510 --> 00:16:42,440
or you'll get fired.

386
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,230
Or maybe it's something impersonal.

387
00:16:44,230 --> 00:16:46,312
Maybe 9/11 happens,
or the tsunami happens,

388
00:16:46,312 --> 00:16:48,080
or the Kashmiri earthquake happens,

389
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:53,030
but something happens
that rocks you back into that inner self,

390
00:16:53,030 --> 00:16:56,590
and makes you ask the question
I asked you at the beginning of this talk.

391
00:16:56,590 --> 00:16:59,310
The problem is when it
happens catastrophically

392
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:02,000
is you're vulnerable, you're weak.

393
00:17:03,470 --> 00:17:04,615
And my question is,

394
00:17:04,615 --> 00:17:07,693
why wouldn't you ask yourself
these questions when you're strong,

395
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:09,270
from a position of health?

396
00:17:09,270 --> 00:17:10,622
When you're in a job,

397
00:17:10,622 --> 00:17:11,869
when you're loved:

398
00:17:11,869 --> 00:17:14,280
that's when the questions
become most useful.

399
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,039
So the question on this one is,

400
00:17:17,039 --> 00:17:19,950
"If you could be the woman
of your dreams, who would you be?"

401
00:17:19,950 --> 00:17:21,910
And my tongue's nowhere near my cheek

402
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:23,319
when I ask you that question.

403
00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:27,356
The thing that might stop you
being the woman of your dreams

404
00:17:27,356 --> 00:17:28,800
is the next circle,

405
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,370
and that's what you think of you.

406
00:17:30,370 --> 00:17:32,390
So now you've got
what others think of you,

407
00:17:32,390 --> 00:17:34,403
what you would like
others to think of you,

408
00:17:34,403 --> 00:17:36,040
and this is what you think of you.

409
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,060
And you have good days
and bad days, right?

410
00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:41,300
There's days where you wake up
and you think you're the bee's knees.

411
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:42,690
And other days you wake up

412
00:17:42,690 --> 00:17:44,750
and you can't even say your name.

413
00:17:44,750 --> 00:17:47,110
Even your cellphone feels too heavy.

414
00:17:47,110 --> 00:17:48,590
On the days when you wake up

415
00:17:48,590 --> 00:17:50,343
and you feel like the bee's knees,

416
00:17:50,343 --> 00:17:52,470
it's not even like you've got a reason.

417
00:17:52,470 --> 00:17:55,390
It's like free-floating joy in your body

418
00:17:55,390 --> 00:17:56,790
just looking for a target,

419
00:17:56,790 --> 00:17:59,852
and you know how it feels on those days
because (sizzling sound).

420
00:17:59,852 --> 00:18:02,790
You just think, "Somebody give
me an audience; I'm on fire!

421
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,993
Quick, point me somewhere!"

422
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:09,310
And your hair's fabulous,
and everything just works,

423
00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:11,430
everything works on those days.

424
00:18:11,430 --> 00:18:13,505
But the other days nothing works.

425
00:18:13,505 --> 00:18:15,950
Your legs don't work,
your mouth doesn't work.

426
00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:20,150
The word thief comes
and steals your entire vocabulary.

427
00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:22,590
Those are two extremes of your ego,

428
00:18:22,590 --> 00:18:25,070
and one of them
is about self-congratulation,

429
00:18:25,070 --> 00:18:27,390
and the other one
is about self-castigation.

430
00:18:27,390 --> 00:18:29,590
Now your entire life,
I don't care who you are,

431
00:18:29,590 --> 00:18:31,190
I don't care how old you are,

432
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:34,590
your entire life, from birth up until now

433
00:18:34,590 --> 00:18:37,642
has been about building
a stable relationship with your ego.

434
00:18:38,830 --> 00:18:42,386
You need an ego to live
in a Western, capitalist world.

435
00:18:42,386 --> 00:18:44,510
If you didn't have an ego you'd be toast.

436
00:18:45,550 --> 00:18:49,032
But your challenge is to take the ego
from its dominant position

437
00:18:49,032 --> 00:18:52,573
and pull it back, so that
it's in service to yourself.

438
00:18:52,573 --> 00:18:55,690
That's when it becomes useful,
and in order to do that

439
00:18:55,690 --> 00:19:00,070
you've got to find the still point
right in the middle of those two extremes.

440
00:19:00,070 --> 00:19:02,970
That's what I would call
equanimity, or equilibrium,

441
00:19:02,970 --> 00:19:04,950
and it's the kind of state of mind

442
00:19:04,950 --> 00:19:07,510
that cannot be perfumed in any way

443
00:19:07,510 --> 00:19:09,510
by anything that happens outside you.

444
00:19:09,510 --> 00:19:11,990
This kind of confidence
that comes from there

445
00:19:11,990 --> 00:19:14,262
is like the confidence of the sky.

446
00:19:14,262 --> 00:19:16,470
Right now it's dark outside,

447
00:19:16,470 --> 00:19:18,470
but you know if you went up in a plane,

448
00:19:18,470 --> 00:19:20,430
even in the stormiest of days,

449
00:19:20,430 --> 00:19:22,640
the sky's brilliant blue underneath.

450
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,510
When you look at the sky,
and it's made a rainbow,

451
00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:28,190
and it's absolutely gorgeous,

452
00:19:28,190 --> 00:19:30,550
there's no question
that the sky's up there going,

453
00:19:30,550 --> 00:19:32,790
"Ha, did you see my rainbow?"

454
00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:34,430
Or when it's a terrible, bleak,

455
00:19:34,430 --> 00:19:36,382
you know, gray, gloomy day,

456
00:19:36,382 --> 00:19:38,030
that the sky's going to apologize.

457
00:19:38,030 --> 00:19:39,903
No, the sky just is,

458
00:19:39,903 --> 00:19:43,030
because the sky sees
the impermanence of the clouds,

459
00:19:43,030 --> 00:19:45,040
and the impermanence of the rainbows,

460
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,680
and you have to develop
an inner state of mind

461
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:51,593
that's as impervious to all the good shit
and bad shit that happens to you

462
00:19:51,593 --> 00:19:53,640
as the sky is to the weather.

463
00:19:55,230 --> 00:19:57,550
We would also call this,
in a Western context,

464
00:19:57,550 --> 00:20:00,310
we would call this feeling
a feeling of humility,

465
00:20:00,310 --> 00:20:04,540
and one day last week
where I got to work with UK Sport,

466
00:20:04,550 --> 00:20:08,662
and particularly, I got to work
with the amazing coaches,

467
00:20:08,662 --> 00:20:11,430
who worked with the amazing
Olympic athletes,

468
00:20:11,430 --> 00:20:14,590
who got all those amazing results
at the Summer Olympics.

469
00:20:14,590 --> 00:20:17,912
It was incredible to be in the same room
as 400 of these people.

470
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,240
The woman who runs UK Sport
is a woman called Baroness Campbell,

471
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,180
and she gave me a definition of humility

472
00:20:24,180 --> 00:20:26,150
that's as good as any I've ever found.

473
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:30,470
She said, "Humility is not
thinking less of yourself;

474
00:20:30,470 --> 00:20:33,480
humility is thinking about yourself less."

475
00:20:34,915 --> 00:20:38,020
And I remembered learning
that lesson when I was a wee girl

476
00:20:38,020 --> 00:20:39,970
and probably no more than seven or eight,

477
00:20:39,970 --> 00:20:43,062
it was the woman with the squinty mouth
that taught me the lesson.

478
00:20:43,062 --> 00:20:44,373
She had no idea, my mother,

479
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,670
what she was doing to me
as I was growing up,

480
00:20:46,670 --> 00:20:49,010
but when I grew up in Glasgow,

481
00:20:49,010 --> 00:20:52,543
particularly working-class,
steel-industry Glasgow,

482
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,092
nobody had any money,

483
00:20:54,092 --> 00:20:57,342
so nobody could afford
to go out and be entertained.

484
00:20:57,342 --> 00:20:59,970
Everybody's social life
happened in a house,

485
00:20:59,970 --> 00:21:02,472
so at the weekends,
all the wrinklys and all the kids

486
00:21:02,472 --> 00:21:04,050
would show up at people's houses,

487
00:21:04,050 --> 00:21:06,810
and they would drink
'til their kneecaps were on backwards,

488
00:21:06,810 --> 00:21:08,120
and all that kind of stuff,

489
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,990
but everybody at some point
in the evening had to perform.

490
00:21:10,990 --> 00:21:14,010
And it was a riot, because these people
were bus conductresses,

491
00:21:14,010 --> 00:21:17,480
and welders, and carpenters by daytime,

492
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:19,270
but then they'd show up at nighttime

493
00:21:19,270 --> 00:21:21,030
and come and be Frank Sinatra,

494
00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:23,110
and Dean Martin, and Sarah Vaughan,

495
00:21:23,110 --> 00:21:24,190
and Billy Eckstine.

496
00:21:24,190 --> 00:21:27,400
They were all... in my house
it was like a star-studded affair,

497
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:28,750
living in my house,

498
00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:31,102
and all the kids
were taught to perform as well.

499
00:21:31,102 --> 00:21:33,350
And so, I'm the oldest of four girls -

500
00:21:33,350 --> 00:21:35,224
my mother had four daughters.

501
00:21:35,224 --> 00:21:37,200
So did my father, interestingly enough.

502
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,850
But we were brought up
from any age to perform,

503
00:21:40,850 --> 00:21:43,150
and we'd be wheeled out
at these family parties,

504
00:21:43,150 --> 00:21:45,270
me with my guitar
and my sisters around me,

505
00:21:45,270 --> 00:21:46,430
and we'd have to sing.

506
00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:49,070
We'd be literally positioned,
Jose, like the Von Trapps.

507
00:21:49,070 --> 00:21:51,960
You know, my father would say, 
"Beneda there, Louise there,"

508
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,200
and then we would sing,
and we were terrible.

509
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,170
We were absolutely rubbish.

510
00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:01,032
One night my mother came up to get us
and we were having pillow fights

511
00:22:01,032 --> 00:22:03,990
she showed up and she said,
"Right lasses, everybody's ready.

512
00:22:03,990 --> 00:22:05,460
Go down and give them a song."

513
00:22:05,460 --> 00:22:07,783
And this night I was just overcome.

514
00:22:07,783 --> 00:22:09,710
I said, "I don't want to sing."

515
00:22:09,710 --> 00:22:11,732
She said, "Why do you not want to sing?"

516
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,690
I said, "I'm shy."

517
00:22:14,180 --> 00:22:16,830
She said, "What're you shy for?"

518
00:22:16,830 --> 00:22:19,423
I said, "Well, everybody's
going to be looking at me,"

519
00:22:19,423 --> 00:22:21,265
and I'll never forget her face.

520
00:22:21,265 --> 00:22:25,112
She looked at me, she said, "Caroline,
don't flatter yourself, darlin'.

521
00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:26,030
(Laughter)

522
00:22:26,030 --> 00:22:29,010
You think anybody downstairs
is interested in you? They're not.

523
00:22:29,010 --> 00:22:31,530
Your job's to go and make
them happy, so go and sing."

524
00:22:31,530 --> 00:22:33,950
I said "okay", and I picked up my guitar

525
00:22:33,950 --> 00:22:36,230
and I picked up my
sisters, and you know what?

526
00:22:36,230 --> 00:22:38,945
That advice has never left me.

527
00:22:38,945 --> 00:22:41,030
But what it has left me with

528
00:22:41,030 --> 00:22:44,950
is spectacular disregard
for where my abilities end,

529
00:22:44,950 --> 00:22:48,630
and spectacular disregard
for being the center of attention.

530
00:22:48,630 --> 00:22:52,580
In fact, since that day, I have never
been the center of attention.

531
00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:54,790
You're the center of mine,

532
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,880
and that's a very different feeling.

533
00:22:58,030 --> 00:23:00,250
So last, the last you,

534
00:23:00,250 --> 00:23:02,306
and the opposite of least,

535
00:23:02,306 --> 00:23:04,910
is the ever-present unchanging you.

536
00:23:04,910 --> 00:23:08,103
This is the you that you've been
since you were seven,

537
00:23:08,103 --> 00:23:12,630
and the you that you'll be
when you're 107, please God.

538
00:23:12,630 --> 00:23:15,310
I spend a lot of time in India,

539
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:18,950
and in India you're raised
with this feeling

540
00:23:18,950 --> 00:23:22,640
that you're a spiritual being
who happens to be in a physical body,

541
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,800
whereas we in the West
are much more into our physical bodies,

542
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,673
and then if we get old enough
and long in the tooth enough,

543
00:23:28,673 --> 00:23:30,950
we kind of get interested in spirit.

544
00:23:30,950 --> 00:23:33,650
But, if you've ever been
to the Gandhi museum in Delhi

545
00:23:33,650 --> 00:23:36,350
you'll know that this is
the line that is above the door,

546
00:23:36,350 --> 00:23:39,440
and it was actually a response by Gandhi

547
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:41,103
to a question from a journalist.

548
00:23:41,103 --> 00:23:42,560
Gandhi was getting on a train

549
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,320
and the journalist called after him,

550
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:48,110
"Gandhiji, Gandhiji, what's
your message to the world?"

551
00:23:48,110 --> 00:23:50,190
And Gandhi turned around and said,

552
00:23:50,190 --> 00:23:51,880
"My life.

553
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,590
My life's my message."

554
00:23:54,590 --> 00:23:56,903
And your life is your message, too.

555
00:23:56,903 --> 00:23:59,090
It might not be as big
a message as Gandhi's -

556
00:23:59,090 --> 00:24:00,470
mine certainly isn't -

557
00:24:00,470 --> 00:24:02,312
but your life has to be your message.

558
00:24:02,312 --> 00:24:04,310
Otherwise, why are you here?

559
00:24:05,510 --> 00:24:07,170
It's not like you've got a spare.

560
00:24:09,070 --> 00:24:11,390
So when you think about your identity,

561
00:24:11,390 --> 00:24:14,000
when you think about
what it means to be alive,

562
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,950
when you think about
why you deserve to exist,

563
00:24:17,950 --> 00:24:22,360
you're not your thoughts,
because you think them.

564
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:24,000
And you can't be your feelings,

565
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,350
because otherwise,
who's the you that feels them?

566
00:24:27,350 --> 00:24:30,870
You're not what you have;
you're not what you do;

567
00:24:30,870 --> 00:24:33,870
you're not even who you love,
or who loves you.

568
00:24:33,870 --> 00:24:36,640
There has to be something
underneath all that.

569
00:24:38,230 --> 00:24:42,830
When you look at people
who have managed to transcend

570
00:24:42,830 --> 00:24:45,780
all these judgments
that we put upon them -

571
00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:50,710
You know, this man here,
he couldn't be judged as a man,

572
00:24:50,710 --> 00:24:53,590
or a black man, or young, or old,

573
00:24:53,590 --> 00:24:55,230
or Democrat, or Republican,

574
00:24:55,230 --> 00:24:56,440
nor a gay, or a straight.

575
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,750
It really, really wouldn't have mattered

576
00:24:58,750 --> 00:25:01,120
because he knew why he was here.

577
00:25:02,104 --> 00:25:03,240
Yes, we can.

578
00:25:04,190 --> 00:25:06,320
So you see, he seemed to be a verb.

579
00:25:07,870 --> 00:25:09,313
Even when you're born

580
00:25:09,313 --> 00:25:13,440
without many of the attributes
that some of your peers may have,

581
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,510
even when you're born in a way

582
00:25:15,510 --> 00:25:17,383
that may lead you to feel impotent,

583
00:25:17,383 --> 00:25:20,190
if you can tap into that voice,

584
00:25:20,190 --> 00:25:22,280
if you can tap into that inner voice

585
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,160
that I've been talking about,

586
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,143
you might just end up being,

587
00:25:26,143 --> 00:25:29,590
at 12 years old,
the youngest person ever called

588
00:25:29,590 --> 00:25:33,183
to the National World Champion Swim Team.

589
00:25:33,183 --> 00:25:36,510
You might even end up at the age of 13

590
00:25:36,510 --> 00:25:40,870
being the youngest Olympian
gold medal winner, ever.

591
00:25:40,870 --> 00:25:42,470
You might even end up at 14

592
00:25:42,470 --> 00:25:45,110
being the youngest person
ever to get an MBE.

593
00:25:45,110 --> 00:25:49,390
That's what happens when you dial in
to the personal pronoun.

594
00:25:49,390 --> 00:25:50,980
So if you can do this,

595
00:25:50,980 --> 00:25:54,350
not only will the speed
of your life get quicker,

596
00:25:54,350 --> 00:25:58,150
not only will the substance
of your life get richer,

597
00:25:58,150 --> 00:26:01,950
but you will never feel superfluous again.

598
00:26:01,950 --> 00:26:05,096
(Applause)

599
00:26:09,856 --> 00:26:12,566
Thank you.