0:00:06.950,0:00:08.300 The chances are 0:00:08.300,0:00:11.390 you've looked in at least[br]one mirror today. 0:00:11.390,0:00:14.830 You've had a shave,[br]or you combed your hair, 0:00:14.830,0:00:17.590 or maybe you checked[br]your teeth for spinach after lunch, 0:00:17.590,0:00:19.150 but what you didn't know 0:00:19.150,0:00:21.430 is that the face looking back at you 0:00:21.430,0:00:23.550 isn't the face that everybody else sees. 0:00:23.550,0:00:26.360 It's a kind of reversed, distorted, 0:00:26.360,0:00:27.923 back-to-front image. 0:00:27.923,0:00:30.270 Some years ago,[br]I was on a flight to New York, 0:00:30.270,0:00:32.240 and I read an article in the FT, 0:00:32.240,0:00:36.310 and it was an article about a phenomenon[br]called a True Mirror - 0:00:36.310,0:00:39.390 and for the Americans listening,[br]that's a mirror. 0:00:39.390,0:00:42.420 The True Mirror was actually invented 0:00:42.420,0:00:44.390 by a brother and sister team in New York, 0:00:44.390,0:00:46.225 called John and Catherine Walters. 0:00:46.225,0:00:48.660 What they discovered[br]is if you take two mirrors, 0:00:48.660,0:00:50.670 and you put them together at right angles, 0:00:50.670,0:00:52.350 and you take the seam away, 0:00:52.350,0:00:54.230 the images bounce off each other. 0:00:54.230,0:00:56.430 What you see when you look[br]in a True Mirror 0:00:56.430,0:00:59.970 is exactly what other people[br]see when they look at you. 0:00:59.970,0:01:02.350 So, I land in New York,[br]and I phone John up, 0:01:02.350,0:01:04.120 and ask him if I can go and see him, 0:01:04.120,0:01:07.222 and I end up in his gallery in Brooklyn; 0:01:07.222,0:01:09.670 it was like being[br]at a sideshow in the circus. 0:01:09.670,0:01:11.430 There were True Mirrors 0:01:11.430,0:01:14.730 full length, face sized,[br]all over this gallery. 0:01:14.730,0:01:17.610 When I walked over[br]to the True Mirror for the first time, 0:01:17.610,0:01:19.110 and I looked in the mirror, 0:01:19.110,0:01:24.050 it was one of the most disorientating[br]experiences I've ever had in my life. 0:01:24.050,0:01:26.720 The first thing you notice[br]when you look in a True Mirror 0:01:26.720,0:01:28.840 is that your head's not on straight. 0:01:28.840,0:01:30.620 Yours is kind of going that way, 0:01:30.620,0:01:32.784 and yours is quite straight actually, 0:01:32.784,0:01:34.593 and yours is going that way a wee bit; 0:01:34.593,0:01:37.600 so apparently most of us[br]tilt our heads one way or another. 0:01:37.600,0:01:39.330 So when you approach a True Mirror, 0:01:39.330,0:01:41.590 the first thing you try and do[br]is fix your head, 0:01:41.590,0:01:44.352 but, of course, because it's reversed[br]you go the wrong way; 0:01:44.352,0:01:46.580 so it's very, very disorientating. 0:01:46.580,0:01:51.190 But more importantly, I had a flashback. 0:01:51.190,0:01:53.200 I had a flashback[br]to when I was a wee girl. 0:01:53.200,0:01:54.470 I grew up in Glasgow - 0:01:54.470,0:01:56.745 in case you haven't noticed,[br]I am Scottish. 0:01:56.745,0:01:59.280 I grew up in Glasgow, and my mom, 0:01:59.280,0:02:00.950 when she was putting her makeup on, 0:02:00.950,0:02:04.532 I used to love sitting and watching[br]my mom putting her makeup on, 0:02:04.532,0:02:06.430 you know, with my chin in my hands. 0:02:06.430,0:02:08.990 And I would tell her occasionally: 0:02:08.990,0:02:11.990 "Isn't it funny[br]how one side of your top lip 0:02:11.990,0:02:14.710 is higher than the other side[br]of your top lip?" 0:02:14.710,0:02:17.720 She'd look in the mirror[br]and she'd say, "It is not." 0:02:17.720,0:02:20.190 And I'd say: "No, it's only[br]a couple of millimeters, 0:02:20.190,0:02:22.720 but that side of your cupid's bow[br]is definitely higher 0:02:22.720,0:02:24.730 than the other side of your cupid's bow." 0:02:24.730,0:02:26.750 She'd say, "Caroline, you're havering." 0:02:26.750,0:02:29.270 When I looked in the True Mirror, 0:02:29.270,0:02:31.160 there was the lip 0:02:31.160,0:02:35.110 that I had been wearing,[br]at that time, for maybe 45 years, 0:02:35.110,0:02:37.710 and I'd never seen it. 0:02:37.710,0:02:40.790 The difference is[br]when you look in a regular mirror, 0:02:40.790,0:02:42.784 you look for reassurance. 0:02:42.784,0:02:45.510 You look for reassurance[br]that you're beautiful, 0:02:45.510,0:02:47.263 or you're young, or you're tidy, 0:02:47.263,0:02:49.670 or your bum doesn't look big in that. 0:02:49.670,0:02:51.950 But when you look in a True Mirror, 0:02:51.950,0:02:53.743 you don't look at yourself, 0:02:53.743,0:02:55.470 you look for yourself. 0:02:55.470,0:02:58.390 You look for revelation,[br]not for reassurance. 0:02:58.390,0:03:00.590 And this was deeply interesting to me 0:03:00.590,0:03:03.670 because what I do for a living[br]is I help people be themselves. 0:03:03.670,0:03:06.710 Not in any narcissistic[br]or solipsistic way, 0:03:06.710,0:03:10.110 but because I believe[br]that social reformation begins, 0:03:10.110,0:03:13.060 always starts with the individual. 0:03:13.060,0:03:16.430 When you look at remarkable individuals - 0:03:16.430,0:03:18.943 and when I say remarkable[br]or successful individuals, 0:03:18.943,0:03:21.790 I don't mean monetarily successful; 0:03:21.790,0:03:24.030 I mean people that have been successful 0:03:24.030,0:03:26.870 at achieving whatever they set out to do - 0:03:26.870,0:03:29.230 you'll find that the thing[br]they have in common 0:03:29.230,0:03:32.110 is they have nothing in common. 0:03:32.110,0:03:34.505 These are people who, you know, 0:03:34.505,0:03:36.390 work in many of the fields I work in. 0:03:36.390,0:03:38.950 I work with people in corporations, 0:03:38.950,0:03:40.583 I work with captains of industry, 0:03:40.583,0:03:42.423 I work with selected politicians. 0:03:42.423,0:03:44.230 I've worked with geophysicists. 0:03:44.230,0:03:46.230 I've worked with chamber orchestras 0:03:46.230,0:03:50.423 and ballet dancers[br]and pop star and opera singers, 0:03:50.423,0:03:53.990 and I've identified[br]the thread that links them. 0:03:53.990,0:03:57.140 These are individuals who've managed[br]to figure out the unique gift 0:03:57.140,0:04:00.182 that the universe gave them[br]when they incarnated, 0:04:00.182,0:04:03.030 and then put that[br]at the service of their goals. 0:04:03.030,0:04:05.790 I think that we all come complete. 0:04:05.790,0:04:09.140 We come complete with one true note[br]we were destined to sing, 0:04:09.150,0:04:11.940 and these are people[br]that have managed to figure that out. 0:04:12.990,0:04:16.350 It doesn't dictate your choice of job; 0:04:16.350,0:04:19.190 what it dictates is how you do it. 0:04:19.190,0:04:20.709 When we see these people 0:04:20.709,0:04:22.664 we invariably call them larger than life. 0:04:22.664,0:04:25.040 You know, you'll see[br]somebody like Roberto Benigni, 0:04:25.040,0:04:26.708 and you'll say, "Oh my goodness." 0:04:26.708,0:04:28.910 Eve Ensler, she's larger than life, 0:04:28.910,0:04:31.350 which always makes me smile 0:04:31.350,0:04:33.680 because how could you be larger than life? 0:04:34.940,0:04:36.240 Life is large. 0:04:36.890,0:04:38.250 But most of us don't take up 0:04:38.250,0:04:41.150 nearly the space[br]the universe intended for us. 0:04:41.150,0:04:43.620 We take up this wee space around our toes, 0:04:43.620,0:04:46.990 which is why when you see somebody[br]in the full flow of their humanity, 0:04:46.990,0:04:48.580 it's remarkable. 0:04:48.580,0:04:50.903 They're at least a foot[br]bigger in every direction 0:04:50.903,0:04:53.990 than normal human beings, and they shine, 0:04:53.990,0:04:55.550 they gleam, 0:04:55.550,0:04:56.990 they glow; 0:04:56.990,0:04:58.830 it's like they've swallowed the moon. 0:04:59.630,0:05:02.310 And all the work I've done[br]has led me to believe 0:05:02.310,0:05:06.080 that individuality really is[br]all it's cracked up to be. 0:05:06.080,0:05:09.030 In fact, people who are[br]frightened to be themselves 0:05:09.030,0:05:10.952 will work for those who aren't afraid. 0:05:11.945,0:05:16.250 Now your job is not to be[br]anything like any of the people 0:05:16.250,0:05:18.262 that I put up behind me. 0:05:18.262,0:05:22.310 In fact your job is to be as unlike them[br]as you can possibly be. 0:05:22.310,0:05:25.590 Your only job while you're[br]here on the planet 0:05:25.590,0:05:27.350 is to be as good at being you 0:05:27.350,0:05:29.670 as they are at being them. 0:05:29.670,0:05:30.720 That's the deal. 0:05:32.110,0:05:34.870 So I want to start today by asking you 0:05:34.870,0:05:37.426 an incredibly personal question. 0:05:37.426,0:05:38.770 Not the one that says, 0:05:38.770,0:05:42.762 "Why are there so many syllables[br]in the word 'monosyllabic'?". No. 0:05:42.762,0:05:44.190 Not even the one that says, 0:05:44.190,0:05:47.870 "Did you know that Britney Spears[br]is an anagram for Presbyterian?". No. 0:05:47.870,0:05:48.995 (Laughter) 0:05:48.995,0:05:50.590 Something a wee bit more pivotal. 0:05:50.590,0:05:54.210 In fact, this is a question that's been[br]looking for you your whole life. 0:05:55.150,0:05:56.910 It's probably the simplest 0:05:56.910,0:05:59.780 and the most complicated[br]question you'll ever ask. 0:06:00.700,0:06:02.630 Yet how many times in your life 0:06:02.630,0:06:05.342 has somebody offered you[br]that well-meaning piece of advice 0:06:05.342,0:06:07.403 that you should just be yourself? 0:06:07.403,0:06:09.710 How many times have you[br]said it to somebody else? 0:06:09.710,0:06:12.790 One of your kids comes to you,[br]or one of your team comes to you, 0:06:12.790,0:06:15.300 and they tell you they're nervous,[br]they're scared. 0:06:15.300,0:06:17.920 They have to go and do something[br]and their bold goes, 0:06:17.920,0:06:20.200 and you say to them,[br]"Darlin', just be yourself, 0:06:20.200,0:06:23.230 because when you're[br]yourself, you're fabulous." 0:06:23.230,0:06:26.305 Now it always resonates[br]because it's all we want to do. 0:06:26.305,0:06:27.823 If you tell John to be himself, 0:06:27.823,0:06:29.710 he doesn't want to be Mary. 0:06:29.710,0:06:31.470 He's quite happy being himself, 0:06:31.470,0:06:34.890 but it's the use of the word[br]"just" that I find interesting 0:06:34.890,0:06:36.550 because it would imply two things. 0:06:36.550,0:06:39.000 Number one, that that was[br]an easy thing to do. 0:06:39.000,0:06:41.470 Number two, that it was[br]an original piece of advice. 0:06:41.470,0:06:44.100 You know, John had never[br]thought about it himself. 0:06:46.520,0:06:48.330 When it comes to being yourself, 0:06:48.330,0:06:50.070 when it comes to being in the world, 0:06:50.070,0:06:51.943 the minute you showed up, 0:06:51.943,0:06:54.150 the minute you incarnated, 0:06:54.150,0:06:55.720 you were given a life sentence. 0:06:56.900,0:06:59.080 Now, you don't know how long you have. 0:06:59.840,0:07:03.110 Maybe you have 70 years, and I have 62. 0:07:03.110,0:07:05.583 We've no idea how long we have. 0:07:05.583,0:07:07.790 Although, where you're born, 0:07:07.790,0:07:10.120 when you're born, to whom you're born, 0:07:10.120,0:07:13.502 all these things have a certain influence 0:07:13.502,0:07:15.790 or impact on how you[br]become who you become. 0:07:15.790,0:07:17.390 If you're born in Switzerland, 0:07:17.390,0:07:20.470 chances are you've got a long time[br]to figure this shit out. 0:07:20.470,0:07:24.920 If you're born in Zimbabwe[br]or some parts of Glasgow, 0:07:24.920,0:07:29.290 and I'm not kidding,[br]you've got significantly less time. 0:07:29.290,0:07:32.580 So what I want you to think about[br]is not what your life expectancy is, 0:07:32.590,0:07:35.070 but what do you expect from life? 0:07:35.070,0:07:36.750 And what does life expect from you? 0:07:36.750,0:07:38.600 Those are more interesting questions. 0:07:40.310,0:07:45.180 And the two places in life[br]where you are awesome at being yourself, 0:07:45.180,0:07:48.270 you're fantastic at being yourself, 0:07:48.270,0:07:50.170 one of them is when you're a kid. 0:07:50.860,0:07:53.390 When you're a kid,[br]you're fantastic at being yourself 0:07:53.390,0:07:56.190 because you don't know how to[br]disguise your differentness. 0:07:57.190,0:07:59.070 That's why you see kids on the beach, 0:07:59.070,0:08:01.020 you know, naked up until the age of five, 0:08:01.020,0:08:03.080 and then suddenly[br]at the age of six or seven 0:08:03.080,0:08:05.230 they want a bathing suit,[br]they want a bikini. 0:08:05.230,0:08:07.030 Who's got a four-year-old boy? 0:08:07.030,0:08:09.430 Anybody's got a four-year-old boy? 0:08:09.430,0:08:10.990 I'll take a three-year-old. 0:08:10.990,0:08:13.050 Jose, you've got a three-year-old boy. 0:08:13.570,0:08:17.073 I want you to imagine[br]I go into Eduardo's class in school, 0:08:17.073,0:08:19.610 and it's a class of three-year-old boys, 0:08:19.610,0:08:22.600 and I say to the boys,[br]"Who's the strongest boy in the class?" 0:08:22.600,0:08:24.230 What's going to happen? 0:08:24.920,0:08:26.060 Every hand, right? 0:08:26.060,0:08:28.130 Every single hand in the class will go up. 0:08:28.130,0:08:29.910 They'll be competitively strong. 0:08:29.910,0:08:31.620 If I go into the same class, 0:08:31.620,0:08:35.750 but it's full of seven-year-old boys,[br]and ask the same question, 0:08:35.750,0:08:39.100 they'll say, "Him," because they[br]know by time they're seven. 0:08:40.150,0:08:41.590 He's the strong one, 0:08:41.590,0:08:43.030 he's the fastest runner, 0:08:43.030,0:08:44.224 he's the funny guy, 0:08:44.224,0:08:45.390 he's the bully. 0:08:45.390,0:08:47.110 Society archetype emerges 0:08:47.110,0:08:49.420 around about the age[br]of five, six, seven, eight. 0:08:49.420,0:08:50.785 That's why the Jesuits say, 0:08:50.785,0:08:53.910 "Give me a boy until the age of seven,[br]and I'll show you the man," 0:08:53.910,0:08:56.240 because that's the birth of consciousness. 0:08:56.240,0:08:58.510 And from then on[br]you become more self-conscious 0:08:58.510,0:09:01.640 and by default less good[br]at being yourself. 0:09:02.970,0:09:05.320 The other place you're fantastic[br]at being yourself 0:09:05.320,0:09:07.030 is when you're a wrinkley, 0:09:07.030,0:09:08.435 because you can't be arsed. 0:09:08.870,0:09:10.490 You get to that stage in your life 0:09:10.490,0:09:12.890 where you realize[br]there are more summers behind you 0:09:12.890,0:09:14.363 than there are in front of you, 0:09:14.363,0:09:16.070 and everything intensifies. 0:09:16.070,0:09:17.630 You become more honest; 0:09:17.630,0:09:19.520 you become less compromising. 0:09:19.520,0:09:21.010 So you're going to tell people, 0:09:21.010,0:09:24.220 "I don't want the spinach,[br]I'm not going to eat it, I don't like it. 0:09:24.220,0:09:26.830 And I don't like jazz,[br]so you can shut that noise off. 0:09:26.830,0:09:28.910 And while I'm at it, I don't like you!" 0:09:28.910,0:09:29.910 (Laughter) 0:09:29.910,0:09:32.750 We call these people "eccentric." 0:09:32.750,0:09:34.950 We call our oldies "eccentric." 0:09:34.950,0:09:37.510 In fact, what they're doing[br]is being authentic. 0:09:37.510,0:09:39.483 So it's kind of like an hourglass effect: 0:09:39.483,0:09:41.820 when you're young[br]you're great at being yourself; 0:09:41.820,0:09:44.040 when you're old[br]you're great at being yourself; 0:09:44.040,0:09:47.160 but the bit in the middle[br]is sometimes the most problematic. 0:09:47.160,0:09:49.190 That's the bit[br]where you have to socialize; 0:09:49.190,0:09:52.030 you have to accommodate;[br]you have to adapt. 0:09:52.030,0:09:54.823 So I've developed the "I complex," 0:09:54.823,0:09:58.190 and the "I complex"[br]is a model to help you figure out 0:09:58.190,0:10:01.200 which "I" you mean when you say "I." 0:10:02.580,0:10:05.260 You're very familiar[br]with the superiority complex. 0:10:05.260,0:10:07.900 If you have a superiority complex,[br]you pretty much think 0:10:07.900,0:10:10.100 you're the most important[br]person in the room. 0:10:10.700,0:10:13.230 If you've got an inferiority complex 0:10:13.230,0:10:16.870 you suffer from[br]an over-modest self-regard. 0:10:16.870,0:10:20.510 These are both signs of a fragile ego. 0:10:20.510,0:10:22.660 One of them[br]is about delusions of grandeur, 0:10:22.660,0:10:25.430 and the other one[br]delusions of insignificance. 0:10:25.430,0:10:28.160 There's a third way of being in the world, 0:10:29.150,0:10:30.663 and I call it "interiority;" 0:10:30.663,0:10:32.310 this is one of my made-up words. 0:10:32.310,0:10:35.460 The word "interiority"[br]describes a particular disposition, 0:10:35.460,0:10:37.950 and there are two reasons[br]it might be useful to you. 0:10:37.950,0:10:40.350 Number one, it's completely uncomparative. 0:10:40.350,0:10:43.750 If you have a superiority complex[br]or an inferiority complex 0:10:43.750,0:10:45.700 you need other people around. 0:10:45.700,0:10:47.100 For a superiority complex 0:10:47.100,0:10:48.910 you need other people to be smaller. 0:10:48.910,0:10:51.110 For an inferiority complex[br]you need to suffer 0:10:51.110,0:10:53.070 from the I'm-gonna-be-found-out syndrome, 0:10:53.070,0:10:54.760 so somebody needs to find you out. 0:10:55.830,0:10:58.470 Interiority is entirely unrelative, 0:10:58.470,0:11:01.350 so to operate from this[br]position of interiority, 0:11:01.350,0:11:03.670 it's like a perceptual vantage point. 0:11:03.670,0:11:05.190 It's a sensibility. 0:11:05.190,0:11:06.760 It's an orientation. 0:11:08.502,0:11:10.710 And it's the only place in your life, 0:11:11.460,0:11:13.384 the only place in your life, 0:11:13.384,0:11:15.170 you have no competition. 0:11:16.090,0:11:18.000 Try and find a comparison to yourself, 0:11:18.000,0:11:19.440 and you'll draw a blank. 0:11:21.450,0:11:25.210 I could talk to you about interiority[br]till my tongue bleeds, 0:11:25.210,0:11:27.430 or I could just show you[br]what it looks like. 0:11:27.430,0:11:30.082 So I want to introduce you[br]to a woman called Jill Scott. 0:11:30.082,0:11:32.229 You might have her on you iTunes playlist, 0:11:32.229,0:11:35.550 but Jill's a singer, and she's just about[br]to go on stage and perform, 0:11:35.550,0:11:37.470 and in case you missed the question, 0:11:37.470,0:11:39.833 there's a French filmmaker[br]who's filming her. 0:11:39.833,0:11:42.110 She's going on stage after Erykah Badu, 0:11:42.110,0:11:45.230 and he says to her, "Are you nervous, 0:11:45.230,0:11:47.390 you know, going on after Erykah?" 0:11:48.000,0:11:50.000 And I want you to listen to what she says. 0:11:52.110,0:11:54.110 (Video) Jill Scott: That chick right there[br] 0:11:54.110,0:11:57.010 has definitely led the way for me[br]and a lot of other sisters. 0:11:57.010,0:11:58.373 You know, I appreciate it. 0:11:59.910,0:12:02.960 Interviewer: Are you nervous[br]you're going to perform after her? 0:12:02.960,0:12:07.630 (Laughter) 0:12:07.633,0:12:09.360 JS: Have you ever seen me perform? 0:12:10.850,0:12:13.350 I am the lady Jill Scott. 0:12:13.350,0:12:15.870 I am a poet, and a singer, 0:12:15.870,0:12:18.010 and a lot of other things. 0:12:18.010,0:12:20.870 We all have our own thing,[br]that's the magic, 0:12:20.870,0:12:23.663 and everybody comes[br]with their own sense of strength, 0:12:23.663,0:12:25.470 and their own queendom. 0:12:25.470,0:12:27.064 Mine could never compare to hers, 0:12:27.064,0:12:29.233 and hers could never compare to mine. 0:12:29.690,0:12:33.150 Caroline McHugh: See, you didn't[br]even know you had a queendom. 0:12:33.150,0:12:34.710 That's what it looks like. 0:12:34.710,0:12:36.640 When you figure out how to be yourself 0:12:36.640,0:12:40.480 it's an incredibly liberating,[br]untragic way to go through life. 0:12:40.944,0:12:42.480 You don't develop an identity 0:12:42.480,0:12:45.240 that's predicated on being[br]a patchwork personality. 0:12:45.240,0:12:46.970 You're not a composite, an amalgam, 0:12:46.970,0:12:49.870 of all your experiences and influences. 0:12:49.870,0:12:53.550 You're not just somebody's boss,[br]or somebody's mom, 0:12:53.550,0:12:55.830 or anybody's anything. 0:12:55.830,0:12:56.960 You're yourself. 0:12:57.890,0:13:00.180 However, the chances are,[br] 0:13:00.180,0:13:03.190 there are at least four of you[br]sitting in each of those chairs, 0:13:03.190,0:13:04.810 so let me introduce yourselves. 0:13:05.830,0:13:09.000 The most visible "you"[br]that you represent to the outside world 0:13:10.110,0:13:12.670 is what everybody else thinks of you, 0:13:12.670,0:13:15.400 and there are as many opinions of you[br]as there are people. 0:13:15.400,0:13:18.130 I want you to imagine[br]you're like a big USB stick 0:13:18.130,0:13:19.750 that you plug into the world. 0:13:19.750,0:13:22.880 You show up on the desktop of the world. 0:13:22.880,0:13:24.400 That's the power of context. 0:13:24.400,0:13:26.370 If you don't understand that bit, 0:13:26.370,0:13:28.550 being yourself can be[br]an ill-advised strategy. 0:13:28.550,0:13:32.070 So of course it's important[br]that you understand perception, 0:13:32.070,0:13:35.074 but one of the things I've noticed,[br]in terms of gender, 0:13:35.074,0:13:37.560 and I'm terribly,[br]untragically woman by the way. 0:13:37.560,0:13:41.466 I don't find myself tragically woman. 0:13:41.466,0:13:45.830 I describe myself as a womanist,[br]rather than a feminist, 0:13:45.830,0:13:48.950 but I'm also a card-carrying feminist. 0:13:48.950,0:13:51.830 There are very few things[br]that I think are gender-specific, 0:13:51.830,0:13:55.704 but one of them is something[br]I call "approval addiction." 0:13:55.704,0:13:59.200 The need to be liked,[br]the need for approbation, 0:13:59.200,0:14:02.790 or recognition, or for somebody[br]to tell you it's okay. 0:14:02.790,0:14:06.393 I find more woman suffer[br]from that affliction than men, 0:14:06.393,0:14:09.110 and I think it's one[br]of the most debilitating things. 0:14:09.110,0:14:11.150 When it comes to being yourself 0:14:11.150,0:14:12.985 needing other people's approval, 0:14:12.985,0:14:14.830 loving sombody else's opinion, 0:14:14.830,0:14:16.552 and mistaking it for your own 0:14:16.552,0:14:20.340 is one of the most debilitating things[br]you'll do on the road to being yourself. 0:14:20.340,0:14:23.600 You will never, ever be perception-less, 0:14:23.600,0:14:25.873 but it's important to be perception-free. 0:14:27.111,0:14:31.380 One of the things that is going[br]to help you to be perception-free 0:14:31.380,0:14:34.630 is to tune into the next circle[br]of the "I complex." 0:14:34.630,0:14:36.230 This is your wish image. 0:14:36.230,0:14:39.670 This is what you would like[br]everybody else to think of you, 0:14:39.670,0:14:43.830 and it's not about being fake,[br]or fad, or pretending. 0:14:43.830,0:14:46.550 It's about moving; it's about possibility; 0:14:46.550,0:14:48.950 it's about potential;[br]it's about supposition. 0:14:48.950,0:14:52.790 So, whilst there's a part of you[br]that's like your backbone, 0:14:52.790,0:14:55.360 this part of you is like your wishbone. 0:14:55.360,0:14:58.840 This one is your adaptive personality,[br]your construct self, 0:14:58.840,0:15:00.870 and even that's unique 0:15:00.870,0:15:02.390 because nobody in the world 0:15:02.390,0:15:05.920 has had the same experiences[br]or influences that you have. 0:15:06.490,0:15:08.790 But this is the you that keeps moving, 0:15:08.790,0:15:11.440 that keeps changing all the time. 0:15:11.440,0:15:13.800 And it helps you avoid[br]being one of those people ... 0:15:13.800,0:15:16.864 You know the people that say to you[br]they have 15 years experience 0:15:16.864,0:15:19.670 when they mean one year, 15 times? 0:15:19.670,0:15:21.582 They literally repeat themselves, 0:15:21.582,0:15:24.290 year, after year, after year. 0:15:24.290,0:15:27.190 What I want you to think about[br]is with every passing year, 0:15:27.190,0:15:30.020 your job is to be better and better 0:15:30.020,0:15:32.030 at being who you already are. 0:15:32.030,0:15:34.370 This is not a cosmetic exercise. 0:15:34.370,0:15:36.022 You're already different. 0:15:36.022,0:15:37.950 Your job is to figure out how, 0:15:37.950,0:15:40.232 and then to be more of that. 0:15:41.563,0:15:43.710 Now, there are certain times in your life 0:15:43.710,0:15:45.982 that lend themselves to change, 0:15:45.982,0:15:48.440 that make change quicker, deeper. 0:15:50.510,0:15:53.040 I call them intervals of possibility. 0:15:53.760,0:15:57.443 Now, they're not always[br]as well sign-posted as this one, 0:15:57.443,0:15:59.280 but you know those times in your life 0:15:59.280,0:16:01.520 when you come[br]to a bifurcation on the path, 0:16:01.520,0:16:04.980 and you sense that the potential[br]for change is heightened. 0:16:04.980,0:16:06.730 You meet a stranger in a bar; 0:16:07.910,0:16:10.630 you have to decide[br]what you're going to do. 0:16:10.630,0:16:12.900 Your boss comes to you[br]and offers you a new job. 0:16:12.900,0:16:15.540 What do you want, you want[br]to keep doing the same thing, 0:16:15.540,0:16:17.030 or do you want this job? 0:16:17.030,0:16:19.870 And you know that if you make that change, 0:16:19.870,0:16:21.554 the speed of your life will change. 0:16:23.472,0:16:25.510 Unfortunately,[br]some of these interventions, 0:16:25.510,0:16:28.770 some of these intervals[br]of possibility, are catastrophic. 0:16:28.770,0:16:30.670 In fact, most of them are catastrophic 0:16:30.670,0:16:32.670 'cause most of us would rather sleepwalk 0:16:32.670,0:16:35.190 until something happens to wake us up. 0:16:35.190,0:16:38.904 And what will happen is[br]somebody you love will get sick, 0:16:38.904,0:16:40.510 or you'll get sick, 0:16:40.510,0:16:42.440 or you'll get fired. 0:16:42.440,0:16:44.230 Or maybe it's something impersonal. 0:16:44.230,0:16:46.312 Maybe 9/11 happens,[br]or the tsunami happens, 0:16:46.312,0:16:48.080 or the Kashmiri earthquake happens, 0:16:48.080,0:16:53.030 but something happens[br]that rocks you back into that inner self, 0:16:53.030,0:16:56.590 and makes you ask the question[br]I asked you at the beginning of this talk. 0:16:56.590,0:16:59.310 The problem is when it[br]happens catastrophically 0:16:59.310,0:17:02.000 is you're vulnerable, you're weak. 0:17:03.470,0:17:04.615 And my question is, 0:17:04.615,0:17:07.693 why wouldn't you ask yourself[br]these questions when you're strong, 0:17:07.693,0:17:09.270 from a position of health? 0:17:09.270,0:17:10.622 When you're in a job, 0:17:10.622,0:17:11.869 when you're loved: 0:17:11.869,0:17:14.280 that's when the questions[br]become most useful. 0:17:15.560,0:17:17.039 So the question on this one is, 0:17:17.039,0:17:19.950 "If you could be the woman[br]of your dreams, who would you be?" 0:17:19.950,0:17:21.910 And my tongue's nowhere near my cheek 0:17:21.910,0:17:23.319 when I ask you that question. 0:17:24.510,0:17:27.356 The thing that might stop you[br]being the woman of your dreams 0:17:27.356,0:17:28.800 is the next circle, 0:17:28.800,0:17:30.370 and that's what you think of you. 0:17:30.370,0:17:32.390 So now you've got[br]what others think of you, 0:17:32.390,0:17:34.403 what you would like[br]others to think of you, 0:17:34.403,0:17:36.040 and this is what you think of you. 0:17:36.040,0:17:38.060 And you have good days[br]and bad days, right? 0:17:38.060,0:17:41.300 There's days where you wake up[br]and you think you're the bee's knees. 0:17:41.300,0:17:42.690 And other days you wake up 0:17:42.690,0:17:44.750 and you can't even say your name. 0:17:44.750,0:17:47.110 Even your cellphone feels too heavy. 0:17:47.110,0:17:48.590 On the days when you wake up 0:17:48.590,0:17:50.343 and you feel like the bee's knees, 0:17:50.343,0:17:52.470 it's not even like you've got a reason. 0:17:52.470,0:17:55.390 It's like free-floating joy in your body 0:17:55.390,0:17:56.790 just looking for a target, 0:17:56.790,0:17:59.852 and you know how it feels on those days[br]because (sizzling sound). 0:17:59.852,0:18:02.790 You just think, "Somebody give[br]me an audience; I'm on fire! 0:18:02.790,0:18:04.993 Quick, point me somewhere!" 0:18:06.710,0:18:09.310 And your hair's fabulous,[br]and everything just works, 0:18:09.310,0:18:11.430 everything works on those days. 0:18:11.430,0:18:13.505 But the other days nothing works. 0:18:13.505,0:18:15.950 Your legs don't work,[br]your mouth doesn't work. 0:18:15.950,0:18:20.150 The word thief comes[br]and steals your entire vocabulary. 0:18:20.150,0:18:22.590 Those are two extremes of your ego, 0:18:22.590,0:18:25.070 and one of them[br]is about self-congratulation, 0:18:25.070,0:18:27.390 and the other one[br]is about self-castigation. 0:18:27.390,0:18:29.590 Now your entire life,[br]I don't care who you are, 0:18:29.590,0:18:31.190 I don't care how old you are, 0:18:31.190,0:18:34.590 your entire life, from birth up until now 0:18:34.590,0:18:37.642 has been about building[br]a stable relationship with your ego. 0:18:38.830,0:18:42.386 You need an ego to live[br]in a Western, capitalist world. 0:18:42.386,0:18:44.510 If you didn't have an ego you'd be toast. 0:18:45.550,0:18:49.032 But your challenge is to take the ego[br]from its dominant position 0:18:49.032,0:18:52.573 and pull it back, so that[br]it's in service to yourself. 0:18:52.573,0:18:55.690 That's when it becomes useful,[br]and in order to do that 0:18:55.690,0:19:00.070 you've got to find the still point[br]right in the middle of those two extremes. 0:19:00.070,0:19:02.970 That's what I would call[br]equanimity, or equilibrium, 0:19:02.970,0:19:04.950 and it's the kind of state of mind 0:19:04.950,0:19:07.510 that cannot be perfumed in any way 0:19:07.510,0:19:09.510 by anything that happens outside you. 0:19:09.510,0:19:11.990 This kind of confidence[br]that comes from there 0:19:11.990,0:19:14.262 is like the confidence of the sky. 0:19:14.262,0:19:16.470 Right now it's dark outside, 0:19:16.470,0:19:18.470 but you know if you went up in a plane, 0:19:18.470,0:19:20.430 even in the stormiest of days, 0:19:20.430,0:19:22.640 the sky's brilliant blue underneath. 0:19:23.830,0:19:26.510 When you look at the sky,[br]and it's made a rainbow, 0:19:26.510,0:19:28.190 and it's absolutely gorgeous, 0:19:28.190,0:19:30.550 there's no question[br]that the sky's up there going, 0:19:30.550,0:19:32.790 "Ha, did you see my rainbow?" 0:19:32.790,0:19:34.430 Or when it's a terrible, bleak, 0:19:34.430,0:19:36.382 you know, gray, gloomy day, 0:19:36.382,0:19:38.030 that the sky's going to apologize. 0:19:38.030,0:19:39.903 No, the sky just is, 0:19:39.903,0:19:43.030 because the sky sees[br]the impermanence of the clouds, 0:19:43.030,0:19:45.040 and the impermanence of the rainbows, 0:19:45.040,0:19:47.680 and you have to develop[br]an inner state of mind 0:19:47.680,0:19:51.593 that's as impervious to all the good shit[br]and bad shit that happens to you 0:19:51.593,0:19:53.640 as the sky is to the weather. 0:19:55.230,0:19:57.550 We would also call this,[br]in a Western context, 0:19:57.550,0:20:00.310 we would call this feeling[br]a feeling of humility, 0:20:00.310,0:20:04.540 and one day last week[br]where I got to work with UK Sport, 0:20:04.550,0:20:08.662 and particularly, I got to work[br]with the amazing coaches, 0:20:08.662,0:20:11.430 who worked with the amazing[br]Olympic athletes, 0:20:11.430,0:20:14.590 who got all those amazing results[br]at the Summer Olympics. 0:20:14.590,0:20:17.912 It was incredible to be in the same room[br]as 400 of these people. 0:20:19.240,0:20:22.240 The woman who runs UK Sport[br]is a woman called Baroness Campbell, 0:20:22.240,0:20:24.180 and she gave me a definition of humility 0:20:24.180,0:20:26.150 that's as good as any I've ever found. 0:20:26.150,0:20:30.470 She said, "Humility is not[br]thinking less of yourself; 0:20:30.470,0:20:33.480 humility is thinking about yourself less." 0:20:34.915,0:20:38.020 And I remembered learning[br]that lesson when I was a wee girl 0:20:38.020,0:20:39.970 and probably no more than seven or eight, 0:20:39.970,0:20:43.062 it was the woman with the squinty mouth[br]that taught me the lesson. 0:20:43.062,0:20:44.373 She had no idea, my mother, 0:20:44.373,0:20:46.670 what she was doing to me[br]as I was growing up, 0:20:46.670,0:20:49.010 but when I grew up in Glasgow, 0:20:49.010,0:20:52.543 particularly working-class,[br]steel-industry Glasgow, 0:20:52.543,0:20:54.092 nobody had any money, 0:20:54.092,0:20:57.342 so nobody could afford[br]to go out and be entertained. 0:20:57.342,0:20:59.970 Everybody's social life[br]happened in a house, 0:20:59.970,0:21:02.472 so at the weekends,[br]all the wrinklys and all the kids 0:21:02.472,0:21:04.050 would show up at people's houses, 0:21:04.050,0:21:06.810 and they would drink[br]'til their kneecaps were on backwards, 0:21:06.810,0:21:08.120 and all that kind of stuff, 0:21:08.120,0:21:10.990 but everybody at some point[br]in the evening had to perform. 0:21:10.990,0:21:14.010 And it was a riot, because these people[br]were bus conductresses, 0:21:14.010,0:21:17.480 and welders, and carpenters by daytime, 0:21:17.480,0:21:19.270 but then they'd show up at nighttime 0:21:19.270,0:21:21.030 and come and be Frank Sinatra, 0:21:21.030,0:21:23.110 and Dean Martin, and Sarah Vaughan, 0:21:23.110,0:21:24.190 and Billy Eckstine. 0:21:24.190,0:21:27.400 They were all... in my house[br]it was like a star-studded affair, 0:21:27.400,0:21:28.750 living in my house, 0:21:28.750,0:21:31.102 and all the kids[br]were taught to perform as well. 0:21:31.102,0:21:33.350 And so, I'm the oldest of four girls - 0:21:33.350,0:21:35.224 my mother had four daughters. 0:21:35.224,0:21:37.200 So did my father, interestingly enough. 0:21:37.200,0:21:40.850 But we were brought up[br]from any age to perform, 0:21:40.850,0:21:43.150 and we'd be wheeled out[br]at these family parties, 0:21:43.150,0:21:45.270 me with my guitar[br]and my sisters around me, 0:21:45.270,0:21:46.430 and we'd have to sing. 0:21:46.430,0:21:49.070 We'd be literally positioned,[br]Jose, like the Von Trapps. 0:21:49.070,0:21:51.960 You know, my father would say, [br]"Beneda there, Louise there," 0:21:51.960,0:21:54.200 and then we would sing,[br]and we were terrible. 0:21:54.200,0:21:56.170 We were absolutely rubbish. 0:21:57.480,0:22:01.032 One night my mother came up to get us[br]and we were having pillow fights 0:22:01.032,0:22:03.990 she showed up and she said,[br]"Right lasses, everybody's ready. 0:22:03.990,0:22:05.460 Go down and give them a song." 0:22:05.460,0:22:07.783 And this night I was just overcome. 0:22:07.783,0:22:09.710 I said, "I don't want to sing." 0:22:09.710,0:22:11.732 She said, "Why do you not want to sing?" 0:22:12.520,0:22:13.690 I said, "I'm shy." 0:22:14.180,0:22:16.830 She said, "What're you shy for?" 0:22:16.830,0:22:19.423 I said, "Well, everybody's[br]going to be looking at me," 0:22:19.423,0:22:21.265 and I'll never forget her face. 0:22:21.265,0:22:25.112 She looked at me, she said, "Caroline,[br]don't flatter yourself, darlin'. 0:22:25.112,0:22:26.030 (Laughter) 0:22:26.030,0:22:29.010 You think anybody downstairs[br]is interested in you? They're not. 0:22:29.010,0:22:31.530 Your job's to go and make[br]them happy, so go and sing." 0:22:31.530,0:22:33.950 I said "okay", and I picked up my guitar 0:22:33.950,0:22:36.230 and I picked up my[br]sisters, and you know what? 0:22:36.230,0:22:38.945 That advice has never left me. 0:22:38.945,0:22:41.030 But what it has left me with 0:22:41.030,0:22:44.950 is spectacular disregard[br]for where my abilities end, 0:22:44.950,0:22:48.630 and spectacular disregard[br]for being the center of attention. 0:22:48.630,0:22:52.580 In fact, since that day, I have never[br]been the center of attention. 0:22:52.580,0:22:54.790 You're the center of mine, 0:22:54.790,0:22:56.880 and that's a very different feeling. 0:22:58.030,0:23:00.250 So last, the last you, 0:23:00.250,0:23:02.306 and the opposite of least, 0:23:02.306,0:23:04.910 is the ever-present unchanging you. 0:23:04.910,0:23:08.103 This is the you that you've been[br]since you were seven, 0:23:08.103,0:23:12.630 and the you that you'll be[br]when you're 107, please God. 0:23:12.630,0:23:15.310 I spend a lot of time in India, 0:23:15.310,0:23:18.950 and in India you're raised[br]with this feeling 0:23:18.950,0:23:22.640 that you're a spiritual being[br]who happens to be in a physical body, 0:23:22.640,0:23:25.800 whereas we in the West[br]are much more into our physical bodies, 0:23:25.800,0:23:28.673 and then if we get old enough[br]and long in the tooth enough, 0:23:28.673,0:23:30.950 we kind of get interested in spirit. 0:23:30.950,0:23:33.650 But, if you've ever been[br]to the Gandhi museum in Delhi 0:23:33.650,0:23:36.350 you'll know that this is[br]the line that is above the door, 0:23:36.350,0:23:39.440 and it was actually a response by Gandhi 0:23:39.440,0:23:41.103 to a question from a journalist. 0:23:41.103,0:23:42.560 Gandhi was getting on a train 0:23:42.560,0:23:44.320 and the journalist called after him, 0:23:44.320,0:23:48.110 "Gandhiji, Gandhiji, what's[br]your message to the world?" 0:23:48.110,0:23:50.190 And Gandhi turned around and said, 0:23:50.190,0:23:51.880 "My life. 0:23:51.880,0:23:54.590 My life's my message." 0:23:54.590,0:23:56.903 And your life is your message, too. 0:23:56.903,0:23:59.090 It might not be as big[br]a message as Gandhi's - 0:23:59.090,0:24:00.470 mine certainly isn't - 0:24:00.470,0:24:02.312 but your life has to be your message. 0:24:02.312,0:24:04.310 Otherwise, why are you here? 0:24:05.510,0:24:07.170 It's not like you've got a spare. 0:24:09.070,0:24:11.390 So when you think about your identity, 0:24:11.390,0:24:14.000 when you think about[br]what it means to be alive, 0:24:14.000,0:24:17.950 when you think about[br]why you deserve to exist, 0:24:17.950,0:24:22.360 you're not your thoughts,[br]because you think them. 0:24:22.360,0:24:24.000 And you can't be your feelings, 0:24:24.000,0:24:27.350 because otherwise,[br]who's the you that feels them? 0:24:27.350,0:24:30.870 You're not what you have;[br]you're not what you do; 0:24:30.870,0:24:33.870 you're not even who you love,[br]or who loves you. 0:24:33.870,0:24:36.640 There has to be something[br]underneath all that. 0:24:38.230,0:24:42.830 When you look at people[br]who have managed to transcend 0:24:42.830,0:24:45.780 all these judgments[br]that we put upon them - 0:24:45.780,0:24:50.710 You know, this man here,[br]he couldn't be judged as a man, 0:24:50.710,0:24:53.590 or a black man, or young, or old, 0:24:53.590,0:24:55.230 or Democrat, or Republican, 0:24:55.230,0:24:56.440 nor a gay, or a straight. 0:24:56.440,0:24:58.750 It really, really wouldn't have mattered 0:24:58.750,0:25:01.120 because he knew why he was here. 0:25:02.104,0:25:03.240 Yes, we can. 0:25:04.190,0:25:06.320 So you see, he seemed to be a verb. 0:25:07.870,0:25:09.313 Even when you're born 0:25:09.313,0:25:13.440 without many of the attributes[br]that some of your peers may have, 0:25:13.440,0:25:15.510 even when you're born in a way 0:25:15.510,0:25:17.383 that may lead you to feel impotent, 0:25:17.383,0:25:20.190 if you can tap into that voice, 0:25:20.190,0:25:22.280 if you can tap into that inner voice 0:25:22.280,0:25:24.160 that I've been talking about, 0:25:24.160,0:25:26.143 you might just end up being, 0:25:26.143,0:25:29.590 at 12 years old,[br]the youngest person ever called 0:25:29.590,0:25:33.183 to the National World Champion Swim Team. 0:25:33.183,0:25:36.510 You might even end up at the age of 13 0:25:36.510,0:25:40.870 being the youngest Olympian[br]gold medal winner, ever. 0:25:40.870,0:25:42.470 You might even end up at 14 0:25:42.470,0:25:45.110 being the youngest person[br]ever to get an MBE. 0:25:45.110,0:25:49.390 That's what happens when you dial in[br]to the personal pronoun. 0:25:49.390,0:25:50.980 So if you can do this, 0:25:50.980,0:25:54.350 not only will the speed[br]of your life get quicker, 0:25:54.350,0:25:58.150 not only will the substance[br]of your life get richer, 0:25:58.150,0:26:01.950 but you will never feel superfluous again. 0:26:01.950,0:26:05.096 (Applause) 0:26:09.856,0:26:12.566 Thank you.