WEBVTT

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I want everybody to close their eyes.

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I want you to imagine being in love.

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Maybe you have been in love,

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maybe you hope to be in love.

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What was that like?

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Your heart starts racing,

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your stomach gets all weird.

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You call up your best friend and say:

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"Oh, my gosh, I think
I just met the love of my life!"

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In three weeks.

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We figured that out so quick.

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We make these very quick decisions.

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All of our emotion
comes rushing so quickly.

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But then, what happens down the road?

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We realize,
"What were we thinking?"

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50% of marriages fail. Why?

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Two of my very good friends
called me within a week of each other

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and told me that their marriage
of over ten years had failed,

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even though everyone else
around them knew

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that they weren't making
a good decision at the time.

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You know, my best friend -

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Her mother and I knew
over ten years ago

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that the guy that she picked
was kind of controlling;

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he was dismissive towards women,

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and he really wanted a woman
that would stay home,

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cook, clean, and have their child.

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And my friend was
not at all interested in that,

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she was singing jazz in New York City.

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She was very happy to have that life,

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but that's not what he was interested in.

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But somewhere along the way,

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she fell in love with him,

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and so she sacrificed for the family,

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she sacrificed for what she thought
was the right decision.

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And ten years down the road,

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she realized she didn't recognize herself,

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and then she decided to leave.

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A women asked me the other day -

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she was complaining, at 40, saying

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that there was no good men left.

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And she said that the only men 
that are out there

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are the Peter Pan guys.

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The men who, as she described,
don't want to grow up,

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that they don't want to have kids,
they don't want to get married,

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they don't want to settle down.

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And she spent all her time and energy
trying to 'un-Peter-Pan' them.

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And she asked me, what do I think,
why does this come about,

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why can't she find anybody,
and why can't she fix this situation.

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So I say to her:
"How honest do you want me to be?"

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And she said, "Oh, yes, very honest!

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I'm really serious. I want to fix
this problem. How do I do this?"

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And I said: "Well, I think
you're investing all your energy

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in people that are really happy.

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They're totally fine.

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Why should they get married,
have kids, and settle down?

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They don't want to, you do."

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So, the issue is your focus,
the issue is your perspective.

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How are we selecting partners?

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And why are we trying
to force them to change?

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Or, why are we ignoring who they are,

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or the red flags that are 
right in front of our face ?

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I have women all the time, complaining
- in their 30s, 40s, and 50s

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that they can't find
the man of their dreams

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or woman of their dreams.

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I have men complaining that they feel
that they're being overlooked

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because they are the good guy,
the nice guy, the friend,

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and what they find is

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that people are dating
the unavailable person,

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the player, the pathological liar,

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the person who's already married.

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So, we make all these decisions
in our relationships,

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and we end up two,
three years down the road,

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ten years down the road, in despair.

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We struggle to try to find
the relationship that we want,

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whether that leads to marriage
or just to long term commitment.

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Why do we repeat this cycle
over and over and over again?

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And the woman that asked me earlier

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- that I had talked about, that asked
my advice about why this happens -

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says: "Oh, no! I don't date
the Peter Pan guys.

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I just see them out there.

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Well, except the last two relationships,
I did date the Peter Pan guy."

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"Oh, OK, so, you do date them.
So why do you choose them?"

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She couldn't really explain it.

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And then she just kept coming back

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and saying: "No, no,
I don't really date them."

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"OK, except the last two."

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So, she became really defensive
in this conversation

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and was denying the truth

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that everyone else
around her could see

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- the people that loved her
the most, her friends, her family.

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So I asked myself:

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on the path of love,
what happens? What do we do?

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It starts off beautiful,
wonderful, perfect.

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You're totally in love with this person
in a very short period of time.

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And then, we see 
a red flag, but we ignore it

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because we say: "No, no. It must be us.
We're crazy. We're too picky."

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But the problem is that
our friends and family see it too.

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And they are concerned.
They may or may not say anything.

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And then, what is our response?

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We attack them.

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"Well, you will never be happy
if I am happy."

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"I finally found someone I love
and you can't accept it."

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"Well, you just don't know him.
He is different when we are alone."

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We tell ourselves this all the time.

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Then there is a combination of red flags.

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And we tell ourselves,
"Well, all relationships take work,"

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which is true, but we tell 
ourselves this in a misguided way,

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so our friends and family
express their concern.

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And what do we do?
We attack them. We're defensive.

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And then we begin to isolate from them.

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They try to intervene, and they say:

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"Look, I am really concerned
about this person that you're dating.

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And I want you to think about that.

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I want you to try and pick
someone else or just end it."

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And we may even admit to ourselves:

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"Yeah, I probably should end it.
I know this person isn't good for me."

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But we don't.

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So then, what happens is -

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because family or friends, or anyone
in our life, colleges, co-workers,

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because they conflict
with us, and they say,

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"Look, there is a problem here,"

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we feel embarrassed, we feel ashamed.

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And so, what do we do?
We separate from them.

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So we don't go
to the friends' house anymore

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because they're always complaining.

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Then the family gets angry,

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then they separate from you;
they stop trying.

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And eventually, we realize too

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that we were wrong and they were right.

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And we hate it. It drives us nuts.

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Then we despair,

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and say, "Are we ever
going to find anybody?"

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And we could have saved
so much time and energy and despair

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if we would just listen to
the people that are around us

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and not to be so defensive.

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Why do we repeat this cycle?
Why do we repeat this?

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Because we do it all the time.

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Our brain -

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controls our feelings of love

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I think that the same part
of our brain that controls addiction

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because our feelings of love,

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that intense connection
that we feel with someone,

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which is totally irrational

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- we don't really know them,

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we don't really have
all those things in common

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it's just like being addicted
to drugs or alcohol.

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but we want to believe that we do -

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It's an addiction, it is.

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And for whatever reason,
we're not wise enough to figure it out.

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We're not wise enough

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because our emotion and our perception,
our feelings of this love

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controls our brain, our mind,

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our prefrontal cortex
which is at the front of your brain.

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The prefrontal cortex
is the part of the brain

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that's rational,
it makes rational decisions.

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It tells the other parts
of the brain, "Knock it off."

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When you want to punch
somebody and then you realize:

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"Nope, that's my boss,
I can't do that," (Laughter)

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that's the prefrontal cortex
telling you, "Knock it off."

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But we don't allow the prefrontal cortex

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to control our heart
and our feelings of love,

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so that's how we get in these situations.

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It could genetics,
it could be role models,

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maybe we don't know anyone
that has a happy marriage

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or happy relationship, things like that.

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Some people have this idea
that we are drawn to danger.

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Why do we date the person

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who we know is historically
unfaithful and a liar?

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They tell us about their last partner,
and they cheated on them,

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but somehow we still think that:

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"Oh, they are going
to be different with us."

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Meanwhile, the good person is there,

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the good guy who is honest,
faithful, trustworthy, loves you,

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I have an example; don't laugh.

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but we ignore them.

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It's the bachelorette.

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Has anyone paid attention
to [The] Bachelor [show] recently?

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Audience) Yes.
AR: OK, one person, thank you.

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Des, who is the bachelorette,

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is down to three guys

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two of which are madly in love with her.

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They tell her, they're affectionate,
they write poems, they sing songs,

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Madly in love with her.

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all this wonderful stuff.

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Who does she fall in love with?

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The guy that doesn't love her.

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And he tells her, he breaks her heart,

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- I don't know what's going to happen,
there is only one show left -

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but I think this is symbolic of life.

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We do this all the time, we see
our friends making these decisions.

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Love rules our mind.

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It seems like we are addicted to drugs,

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we're obsessed, we're compulsive
with this idea of love; we can't sleep.

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Either we can't eat, or when we do eat it
that cheeseburger, it tastes so delicious

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because now we're in love,
everything is amplified.

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This is my favorite quote here.

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- It reminds me of the lady who wants
to "un-Peter-Pan" the guys she dates -

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"Never try to teach a pig to sing.

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It annoys the pig,
and it wastes your time."

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I am not saying that men are pigs

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- and if they were pigs,

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but why are constantly trying
to change people?

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women are just as much pigs as they are -

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We go into this relationship,
and pigs can't sing,

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and yet, we keep trying
to get them to sing, and it's just -

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you know, it's annoying,
and it wastes your time.

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Meanwhile,

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you're in that relationship for two years,
and you've wasted all that time

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So, how do we fix this?

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when really, there are
so many opportunities out there for you.

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Short list, but hard.

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We have to open our heart
to a real self-assessment.

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The woman who asked for advice
sat in a circle of all of her friends

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- we were just hanging out
in the backyard having a barbeque -

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and she refused to listen
to every single one of them,

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who all said the same thing.

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We have to open up
our heart to a self-assessment.

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What is going on with us?

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What are we doing to contribute
to these relationships?

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What are we afraid of?
Do we think we are not worth it?

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Do we think we have to
settle for this person?

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You have to get healthier,

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and on the path to being healthier
we have to get to know ourselves.

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I can't tell you how many people say -

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Well, they go out on a date and they go:

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"Oh, I hope that they'll like me."

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I say: "What?! I hope you like them!

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Who cares if they like you?"

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You need to assess
this person to figure out

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If our entire focus in dating
is "I hope that they like me,"

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if they're a good fit for you.

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no wonder we make bad decisions.

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And then you have the person
who always says:

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"Well, let me just put it out there.

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I'm just going to tell you
everything that I'm looking for.

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I want this kind of person who does this,
and who is interested in this."

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Well, the unscrupulous person

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who just kind of wants to land you in bed

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is going to tell you all of that stuff
that you've just told them.

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So, instead of putting everything
out there and letting them

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become who you want, temporarily,

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to get what they want,

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you need to take a step back

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and figure out what are
the most important things for you.

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Think of three questions.

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If you really want to get married
and have kids, and you're 35,

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well, that should be one
of the first questions you ask:

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Are you interested in getting married?

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I'm not saying to me,
I'm not saying tomorrow,

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but is this in your plan?

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Because there are
many people out there who say:

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"No way. I am good.
If I never get married, I'll be happy."

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We have to be bolder.

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We have to know what we want,

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and be stubborn only about
the really important stuff.

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I had a friend who said -

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she didn't want to date anybody

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who ever in their entire life
did drugs, including pot,

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and I said: "Well!

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Most people have done drugs,
at least once in their life.

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So, I don't know...
Is that really important?"

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I could see if they're a pothead,
smoking every week,

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and they're not going to work
and, all that stuff, I get it.

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But we have to really be wise
about what we're looking for.

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How about "Let's be stubborn
about honesty?"

00:13:46.587 --> 00:13:49.197
that's what we want to be stubborn about.

00:13:44.053 --> 00:13:46.587
and "Is the person honest?";

00:13:50.587 --> 00:13:53.041
The foolish person
seeks happiness in the distance;

00:13:53.042 --> 00:13:56.396
the wise person seeks it under [his] feet.

00:13:56.397 --> 00:14:00.545
We have to be happy with ourselves,
we have to be happy with our presence,

00:14:00.546 --> 00:14:03.323
and happiness will come to us more.

00:14:03.323 --> 00:14:05.333
If we're miserable now,

00:14:07.669 --> 00:14:09.989
as we evaluate our lives.

00:14:05.333 --> 00:14:07.669
.then we'll just become
more and more miserable

00:14:12.727 --> 00:14:14.633
Number one rule

00:14:09.989 --> 00:14:11.975
It's about our perspective.

00:14:14.633 --> 00:14:18.829
- and a lot of people think
this is crazy but I stand by it 100% -

00:14:18.830 --> 00:14:22.515
your friends and family
must meet your prospect.

00:14:22.515 --> 00:14:24.440
If you feel uncomfortable and pressured,

00:14:24.440 --> 00:14:26.834
and:"Oh, my gosh,
they going to think I am crazy,"

00:14:29.295 --> 00:14:33.063
You can stage a fake, a setup
(Strikes a pose) (Laughter)

00:14:26.834 --> 00:14:29.295
maybe that's a problem.

00:14:33.063 --> 00:14:35.747
like "Oh, we just happened
to go to this restaurant,

00:14:35.747 --> 00:14:37.800
and oh, look, there is my best friend.

00:14:37.800 --> 00:14:40.302
Oh, why don't you join us for dinner?"

00:14:41.883 --> 00:14:46.110
Because they will tell you
if that person is good for you or not,

00:14:46.110 --> 00:14:49.363
but the problem is
we have to listen to them,

00:14:52.044 --> 00:14:56.302
and it has to happen early,
within three to five dates. Why?

00:14:56.302 --> 00:14:58.857
Because that's when we fall in love

00:14:58.857 --> 00:15:00.919
- within the first three or five dates -

00:15:00.920 --> 00:15:02.743
that's when we're already hooked.

00:15:02.744 --> 00:15:07.136
We might not say it, we may not admit it,
but we know it's true;

00:15:07.136 --> 00:15:09.710
that's when we get hooked,
in those early days,

00:15:09.710 --> 00:15:13.479
That's when we become an addict
and our lives become unmanageable.

00:15:13.480 --> 00:15:15.242
So we have to back that up

00:15:15.242 --> 00:15:18.678
and just get our first impression
of somebody right from the beginning.

00:15:19.539 --> 00:15:22.151
And if they say, "Run," then run.

00:15:24.091 --> 00:15:24.933
Run!

00:15:28.093 --> 00:15:31.837
And don't pay attention
to the one person that says to you:

00:15:31.837 --> 00:15:35.103
"Oh, whatever makes you happy.
I trust you make a good decision."

00:15:35.103 --> 00:15:37.704
No, no, no. Don't listen to that person.

00:15:37.704 --> 00:15:41.199
If three out of five of your friends
or two out of three say:

00:15:41.199 --> 00:15:44.929
"Oh, I don't know. I'm not feeling it.
I'm not thinking they're right for you."

00:15:44.929 --> 00:15:46.611
Run, run, even if you think:

00:15:46.611 --> 00:15:49.910
"Oh, but they have so much potential,
and we have so much in common."

00:15:49.910 --> 00:15:51.089
No, just run.

00:15:51.089 --> 00:15:53.808
You have to trust your community
because they are wiser,

00:15:53.809 --> 00:15:57.163
they are wiser than us
when we're in the midst of this.

00:15:58.954 --> 00:16:02.315
Get ongoing advice. Pick your mean friend.

00:16:02.316 --> 00:16:06.488
Your friend that's so honest, you're just
like, "Oh, I don't want to ask her

00:16:06.489 --> 00:16:08.871
because I know
she is going to say something bad,"

00:16:08.872 --> 00:16:11.585
that's the one you want to go to.

00:16:11.586 --> 00:16:15.822
Talk to a professional,
a consultant, a therapist, anyone,

00:16:15.822 --> 00:16:18.737
just talk to someone else to get feedback.

00:16:19.548 --> 00:16:22.283
Pay attention to red flags every day,

00:16:22.284 --> 00:16:24.756
and be brave enough to walk away early.

00:16:24.757 --> 00:16:27.870
Be brave enough to walk away.

00:16:29.231 --> 00:16:31.994
Real love is possible. It is.

00:16:33.414 --> 00:16:36.830
The relationship that you're in
now can be better, too.

00:16:36.831 --> 00:16:39.478
Don't get discouraged, don't get upset.

00:16:39.478 --> 00:16:44.679
Believe in your ability to analyze, trust
yourself, trust your gut, you can do it.

00:16:44.680 --> 00:16:47.810
Don't be afraid to ask
those questions. Don't be intimidated.

00:16:47.810 --> 00:16:50.858
If you're intimidated to ask
that really important question now,

00:16:50.858 --> 00:16:53.277
what do you think
is going to happen in five years

00:16:53.277 --> 00:16:54.745
when you've never asked it?

00:16:54.746 --> 00:16:56.271
Be brave, you can do it.

00:16:56.272 --> 00:16:57.534
Action conquers fear:

00:16:57.535 --> 00:17:00.617
the more we do it,
the more comfortable we get with it.

00:17:00.618 --> 00:17:02.792
My wife said on our first date,

00:17:02.793 --> 00:17:05.606
she thought she was dating
an FBI interrogator

00:17:06.477 --> 00:17:08.865
because I asked her so many questions.

00:17:08.866 --> 00:17:12.558
But look what happened.
We got married. She passed my test.

00:17:13.889 --> 00:17:18.893
Miracles can happen,
and you must believe love is possible.

00:17:18.893 --> 00:17:22.684
It is possible, if you follow
these steps, if you get advice,

00:17:22.684 --> 00:17:25.028
if you listen to your friends and family;

00:17:25.028 --> 00:17:28.426
they love you, they really do,
they only want what's best for you.

00:17:28.426 --> 00:17:30.911
Don't lie to yourself and tell yourself:

00:17:30.911 --> 00:17:34.509
"Well, they're just jealous,"
or "They never had a good relationship."

00:17:34.509 --> 00:17:38.288
Listen to them, 
they love you. It's possible.

00:17:38.819 --> 00:17:39.967
Thank you.

00:17:39.967 --> 00:17:41.087
(Applause)