1 00:00:10,168 --> 00:00:12,648 It's risky to talk about pregnancy. 2 00:00:12,648 --> 00:00:15,728 That's why I'm starting this way, by warning you. 3 00:00:17,888 --> 00:00:20,488 There are women who want to get pregnant, 4 00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:22,288 and unfortunately they can't; 5 00:00:23,048 --> 00:00:26,288 others who, on the other hand, get pregnant unintentionally. 6 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,308 It is estimated that about 50% of pregnancies are unplanned. 7 00:00:31,328 --> 00:00:33,248 Other times, pregnancy 8 00:00:33,248 --> 00:00:35,808 is the traumatic result of sexual assault. 9 00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:40,648 Other times again, a couple has just finished 10 00:00:40,648 --> 00:00:44,448 the last assisted fertilization cycle that they could afford. 11 00:00:45,688 --> 00:00:47,088 When I speak of pregnancy, 12 00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:49,448 I speak not only to women, but also to men. 13 00:00:51,608 --> 00:00:55,205 Suppose a person has to, wants to 14 00:00:55,205 --> 00:00:59,088 or even can conceive children 15 00:00:59,088 --> 00:01:00,648 on the pure basis of her gender 16 00:01:01,688 --> 00:01:03,568 is intrusive and assuming. 17 00:01:05,448 --> 00:01:09,528 25% of pregnancies end with a miscarriage. 18 00:01:10,208 --> 00:01:13,448 One woman out of four - one couple, out of four. 19 00:01:14,238 --> 00:01:15,248 This means, 20 00:01:15,248 --> 00:01:21,848 every time we see three couples announcing a pregnancy on social media, 21 00:01:22,408 --> 00:01:25,408 there's a person at home, a woman, a couple, 22 00:01:25,408 --> 00:01:27,768 who couldn't make that same announcement. 23 00:01:31,088 --> 00:01:32,368 When we mourn, 24 00:01:32,368 --> 00:01:34,968 we used to talk about it with our family, 25 00:01:34,968 --> 00:01:38,808 with our loved ones, with our friends, even on social media. 26 00:01:39,368 --> 00:01:44,048 This allows us to receive the support we need 27 00:01:44,048 --> 00:01:46,260 to overcome a traumatic event. 28 00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:51,088 However, this does not apply to miscarriages. 29 00:01:51,688 --> 00:01:55,968 Abortion remains a solitary, unconfessable event, 30 00:01:55,968 --> 00:02:00,968 where women and couples are isolated from the "12-week rule". 31 00:02:02,688 --> 00:02:07,568 Let me introduce again: I'm Erika, and last year I lost a child. 32 00:02:08,968 --> 00:02:11,430 Talking about miscarriages 33 00:02:12,420 --> 00:02:16,768 it's difficult, it's personal and sad; 34 00:02:16,768 --> 00:02:18,408 but it's not rare, or unnatural. 35 00:02:19,448 --> 00:02:21,968 When, last year, I found 36 00:02:21,968 --> 00:02:24,688 that my pregnancy would not be successful, 37 00:02:24,688 --> 00:02:27,244 I hated myself for not talking to anyone about it. 38 00:02:27,928 --> 00:02:31,488 I had to call my parents, my friends, 39 00:02:32,808 --> 00:02:36,881 and announce: I was pregnant; I no longer am. 40 00:02:40,788 --> 00:02:44,728 This of course complicates the conversation, 41 00:02:44,728 --> 00:02:50,248 because I felt invisible, not enough, inadequate. 42 00:02:51,648 --> 00:02:54,608 How many other women have felt that way, like me? 43 00:02:55,568 --> 00:02:58,888 Precisely because you're isolated from this "12-week rule." 44 00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:00,368 Do you know it? 45 00:03:00,368 --> 00:03:02,248 According to the 12-week rule, 46 00:03:02,848 --> 00:03:06,128 what a woman, a couple should do 47 00:03:06,128 --> 00:03:08,088 is to announce pregnancy 48 00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:11,648 only at the end of the 12th week of gestation, 49 00:03:11,648 --> 00:03:14,408 when pregnancy is out of danger, 50 00:03:15,288 --> 00:03:20,011 and the risk of miscarriage drops. 51 00:03:20,688 --> 00:03:25,208 Warning: it does not zero! But it drops dramatically. 52 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:31,328 I like to include this 12-week rule 53 00:03:31,328 --> 00:03:33,568 in what I call "Fake Life Rules." 54 00:03:34,168 --> 00:03:36,048 Fake life rules are those lies 55 00:03:36,048 --> 00:03:40,528 we tell each other, and grow up with, believing that they are true. 56 00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:42,528 Some examples? 57 00:03:43,888 --> 00:03:47,768 Go to university; graduate; find the right person; 58 00:03:47,768 --> 00:03:50,608 get married; make children; and so on. 59 00:03:50,608 --> 00:03:52,408 Every generation has its own. 60 00:03:53,288 --> 00:03:57,288 Within these rules there's also a whole series of rules 61 00:03:57,288 --> 00:04:01,968 that affect women and the female reality. 62 00:04:02,418 --> 00:04:05,208 You don't expect a woman to talk about being a woman, 63 00:04:05,208 --> 00:04:06,888 biologically speaking: 64 00:04:06,888 --> 00:04:11,968 he doesn't expect us to talk about abortions or menstruation and so on. 65 00:04:13,168 --> 00:04:16,688 A woman - today, but also in the past - 66 00:04:16,688 --> 00:04:20,928 faces several challenges: social, economic and health. 67 00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,288 When these challenges intersect, 68 00:04:25,608 --> 00:04:29,288 what she can do is find an adverse social environment. 69 00:04:30,358 --> 00:04:31,368 And what happens? 70 00:04:31,368 --> 00:04:33,968 That even pregnancy becomes a challenge. 71 00:04:34,928 --> 00:04:40,848 Pregnancy becomes a place to represent yourself: 72 00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,058 Am I worthy? Who am I? 73 00:04:43,608 --> 00:04:47,208 But what if a woman doesn't want a child? 74 00:04:47,208 --> 00:04:49,328 What if a couple doesn't want a child? 75 00:04:49,958 --> 00:04:50,968 What happens, 76 00:04:50,968 --> 00:04:54,728 when a person tells us she doesn't want to have a child? 77 00:04:55,938 --> 00:04:58,688 Tipically, we all begin to ask: why? 78 00:05:00,173 --> 00:05:01,568 Why, then, don't we ask 79 00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:04,208 to all those people who want to be parents, 80 00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:05,218 or who already are, 81 00:05:05,768 --> 00:05:06,968 why do they want to be, 82 00:05:06,968 --> 00:05:10,608 as much as we ask people who don't want to be 83 00:05:10,608 --> 00:05:11,858 why they don't want to? 84 00:05:13,568 --> 00:05:19,088 We live in a performance society, where only results matters: 85 00:05:19,088 --> 00:05:22,168 the job we work, how much we make, 86 00:05:22,168 --> 00:05:23,688 what school we attended, 87 00:05:24,208 --> 00:05:28,208 how well we graduated from high school. 88 00:05:29,488 --> 00:05:32,248 It all seems so... fake; 89 00:05:33,248 --> 00:05:36,328 it almost seems that we have to comply 90 00:05:36,328 --> 00:05:38,444 with the standards of the Happy Family tv ad. 91 00:05:38,998 --> 00:05:40,008 Isn't that right? 92 00:05:41,048 --> 00:05:45,648 And what happens when even a child becomes a goal to achieve, 93 00:05:45,648 --> 00:05:47,408 when even that son comes back 94 00:05:48,328 --> 00:05:52,728 on the list of fake life rules that we need to follow? 95 00:05:53,928 --> 00:05:56,688 That we feel a failure, that we feel inadequate, 96 00:05:57,210 --> 00:06:00,048 we feel invisible, we don't feel up to it. 97 00:06:03,128 --> 00:06:04,568 It was therapeutic for me 98 00:06:04,568 --> 00:06:08,328 to share my experience of miscarriage; 99 00:06:08,328 --> 00:06:12,088 and above all to understand that there are different versions, 100 00:06:12,088 --> 00:06:14,448 that every person has their own narrative. 101 00:06:15,128 --> 00:06:19,228 To free us from oppressions, taboos, 102 00:06:19,228 --> 00:06:20,768 what we have to do, maybe, 103 00:06:20,768 --> 00:06:25,368 is just accepting that each person has their own story to tell, 104 00:06:25,368 --> 00:06:26,488 whatever it is; 105 00:06:27,528 --> 00:06:31,248 and above all, stereotypes should be droppped. 106 00:06:31,787 --> 00:06:34,218 How can we break down stereotypes? 107 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:35,808 By listening. 108 00:06:37,008 --> 00:06:40,888 Accepting that every person can tell us their own story, 109 00:06:40,888 --> 00:06:43,808 making others less invisible. 110 00:06:45,928 --> 00:06:47,888 And most importantly, accept 111 00:06:47,888 --> 00:06:52,105 that there is not a single way to be a mother, and a woman. 112 00:06:52,805 --> 00:06:54,125 Thank you.