WEBVTT

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I'm going to talk to you about sex.

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To be more precise,
the sex-starved marriage.

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When I'm done, you'll know
three things that you can do

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to prevent it from happening in your life.

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So first I'd like to tell you a story.

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For the last three decades,

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I've been specializing
in work with 911 couples,

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couples who are truly teetering
on the brink of divorce.

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I resuscitate flat-line relationships.

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I try to teach couples
what they need to know

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to resolve their differences
and fall back in love,

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and put their kids
in bed at night together.

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It's not an easy job,
but I didn't choose my career,

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my career chose me.

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You see, I grew up
in an incredible family.

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Two loving parents who never fought,
two great brothers,

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a large extended family
with whom we spent every weekend

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and all of our holidays.

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Until one fateful day, I was 16 years old
and a senior in high school

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and my mom called us all in
for a family meeting,

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and she proceeded to tell us

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that she'd been miserable
for 23 years in her marriage

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and she was getting
a divorce from my father.

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No one saw it coming.

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I told you, my parents never fought.

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I remember the feeling of blood
rushing from my body,

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thinking, "How can this be happening?

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I'm leaving home,
and my nest is falling apart."

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And that's precisely what happened.

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Divorce not only ends a marriage,
it dissolves a family.

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The sadness about the break up
of my family still lingers today.

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That's because divorce is forever.

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Now, my parents' divorce
affected me in a number of ways.

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First, it made me incredibly impassioned

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about learning everything I possibly could

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about how to have a healthy,
loving, lasting relationship,

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so I could apply it in my own life
with my own family,

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and my own marriage.

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And I'm very proud to say
that one of my biggest accomplishments

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is my nearly 40-year marriage
to my husband, Jim.

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And if you knew him, you'd know
what an accomplishment this really is.

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(Laughter)

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The other thing the divorce made me do,
is be incredibly impassioned

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about teaching what I know
to anyone who crosses my path.

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Now when I say that, I really mean that.

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I'm not just talking
about the couples in my practice.

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I do some of my best work on airplanes,

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or online at Whole Foods,

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or as a matter of fact,
that's why I'm here right now.

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I want to warn you
about the inevitable pitfalls

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of a sex-starved marriage.

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But what is that?

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A sex-starved marriage is one
where one spouse is desperately longing

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for more touch, more physical closeness,
more sex, more physical affection,

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and the other spouse is thinking,
"What is the big deal?

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Would you just get a life, it's just sex."

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But to the spouse yearning for more sex
and more touch, it's a huge deal,

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because it really is about feeling wanted,
about feeling loved, feeling connected,

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about feeling masculine,
or feminine and attractive.

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When this major disconnect happens,
what also happens

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is that intimacy on all levels
goes right out the door.

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They stop sitting next
to each other on the couch.

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They quit laughing at each others' jokes.

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They don't spend time together.

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They stop being friends.

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And it places the marriage
at risk of infidelity and divorce.

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Some of the reasons
that people have low desire

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or an insatiable appetite for sex,
are very complicated and deep-seated.

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But I'm happy to tell you

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that the primary cause
for a sex-starved marriage

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is also the simplest to solve.

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And before I explain that solution,
I really want to go on record for saying

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that if you're sitting here, thinking
low sexual desire is a women's issue,

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I want you to think again.

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Women do not have a corner
on the low libido market.

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I'm convinced that low desire in men
is one of our very best-kept secrets.

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Having said that, I want to also tell you
about a little talked about fact,

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that in a sex-starved marriage,

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the person with the lower sex drive
controls the sexual relationship.

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When I say that,
I don't mean that this person

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is intentionally mean-spirited,
or unkind, or manipulative.

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I just mean, if that person
isn't interested in sex,

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the partner may as well
go take a cold shower,

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because it's not going to happen.

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I find this really curious
on a couple of counts,

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because when we think

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about how decisions are made in marriage,

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we generally think about mutuality:

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two people decide when to get married,

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whether to have kids,
have to raise those kids,

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what to do about finances, the in-laws,
who is going to do what around the house,

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but conspicuously missing from that mix
is anything having to do with sex.

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What's it like, the nature,
the quality, the quantity.

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I find this incredible.

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I know couples who have been married
for 20 to 30 years

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who have never spoken about sex.

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The other thing that really amazes me,
about this unilateral decision making,

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is one person decides "no sex",
and expects the partner to accept it,

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not complain about it, and oh yes,
you have to be monogamous.

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This is an unworkable arrangement.

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Let me tell you
about a couple in my practice.

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Meet John and Mary.
They've been married for 15 years.

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John's a real laid back kind of guy,
he doesn't like to complain about much,

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except in the last 15 minutes
of my session with him,

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he finally gets up the courage
to tell me about something

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that had been bothering him
for a long, long time:

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that there really is only
a two-hour window of opportunity,

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on Friday nights between 10 and 12,
where Mary might be interested in sex,

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and he knows not to bother her
at any other time.

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Like you laughing, I glanced over
at Mary, and Mary was chuckling,

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because she recognized herself
in that description.

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John wasn't laughing. He wasn't smiling.

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So I said to him, "John,
what's this been like for you?"

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And he said to me,
"I want to talk to Mary."

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He turned to her, took a deep breath.

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He said, "When I reach out to you in bed,
and you're not there for me,

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the only thing I ever think about is:

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Are you attracted to me anymore?
Do you love me like I love you?

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Do you want to be with me?

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And then when you go to sleep,

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and I'm lying next to you
and staring up at the ceiling,

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all I can think about is: this is
the loneliest feeling in the world

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lying next to you in bed."

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To Mary's credit,
her eyes filled up with tears,

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and she reached out
and grabbed John's hands.

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She said, "John, I have to tell you,
in all the years we've been married,

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I never, not once, thought about
what it's like to be you.

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I only think about, am I in the mood?
Am I not in the mood?'

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I'm so, so sorry. I'll do better."

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John began to cry.

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I began to cry.

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For me, it was a magical moment.

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Because it was the first time
in the history of their marriage

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that Mary was stretching
outside her comfort zone

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to try to understand John's pain,
his loneliness, his alienation,

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his need to connect with her.

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And she promised she would do better.

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It was the beginning
of a breakthrough for them.

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Unfortunately, for so many couples,
it doesn't work that way.

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In fact, very often,
the very thing that couples do

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to deal with a sex-starved marriage
actually makes things worse.

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Let me give you an example.

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So he says: "Honey, do you want
to put the kids to bed early,

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have a glass of wine and fool around?"

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And she says: "I have so much on my mind,
I'm not relaxed, and I have a headache."

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"You were the one to tell me last week
that women are great multi taskers.

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Can't you have a headache
and sex at the same time?"

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(Laughter)

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"I don't think you're funny. Furthermore,
what part of 'no' don't you get?"

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"I'm not trying to be funny. I'm furious.
We haven't had sex in six weeks.

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I hate this relationship.
It's just not working."

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"You raise your voice,
and you talk to me like that,

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and then you expect me
to want to touch you?

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Plus, do you realize
for the last two or three weeks

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you haven't been home at all?

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And when you are home,
you don't talk to me,

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we don't do things together,
you're angry, and you're withdrawn.

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I am not going
to have sex with you like that."

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"I don't want to talk
to you anymore. I'm out of here."

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What's going on here?
I'll tell you what's going on.

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In the early stages of dealing
with a sex-starved marriage,

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the person with higher desire

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usually approaches his or her spouse
with open-heartedness and vulnerability,

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saying things like, "I miss you.
I want to have sex with you,"

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but when the pleas for connection are met
with unresponsiveness, as they often are,

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that vulnerability quickly turns
into anger and contempt.

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Anger is not an aphrodisiac.

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Anger leads to sexual withdrawal.

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Sexual withdrawal
leads to heightened anger.

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Heightened anger leads to sexual anorexia.

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And on and on.

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And then both people wait
for the other person to change.

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That's how marriages go down the drain.

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So what are they supposed to do?
Well, here's what they're supposed to do.

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He needs to get a grip on his anger,

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regardless of whether he feels
short-changed or not.

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And he needs to spend time with her,
and talk to her, be present in her life.

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He needs to recognize
that those things will turn her on.

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And what does she need to do?

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Well, despite her feelings,

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she needs to adopt
the Nike philosophy and just do it.

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(Laughter)

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Why? For two reasons.

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The first is obvious, he'll be happy.

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He'll be nicer, he'll be more present.

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Mostly, he'll be more grateful.

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But there's another reason.

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It has nothing to do with him,
and it's all about her.

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I wish I had a dollar for each time
someone in my practice said to me,

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"Michelle, I wasn't in the mood for sex
when my partner approached me,

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but once we got into it,
I had a really good time.

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I had a great orgasm.

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We enjoyed each other.

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And then afterwards, we had the best talk
that we've had in months."

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And when I described that scenario
to a couple in my practice,

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the husband said, "Yikes, that's my wife.

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I wish she would just
write it on her hand, 'I like sex',

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so she remembers it for the next time.

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(Laughter)

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There's actually some science to this.

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I saw this so often in my practice
that I started scouring the research,

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and I bumped into the work
of Dr. Rosemary Basson.

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She took the mystery
out of my observations.

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The human sexual response cycle
is considered to have four stages.

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The first is desire.

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This means that you can be doing
just about anything,

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taking a walk, studying for a test,
preparing a meal, talking to a friend,

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and all of a sudden,
you have this random lusty thought

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and you start fantasizing about sex.

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Second stage is arousal.

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You get with your partner,
you get physically aroused,

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and you feel that sensation inside.

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The third stage: orgasm.

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Do you need an explanation?

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(Laughter)

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Fourth stage: resolution, your body
goes back to its normal resting state.

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Well, apparently,
according to Dr. Basson's research,

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for millions of people,

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stages one, desire and two,
arousal are actually reversed.

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Their bodies have to be
physically stimulated and aroused

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in order for their brains
to register there is desire.

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The desire is there, but it's not
the compelling force to initiate sex.

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If this sounds like you,
or a friend of a friend,

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it behooves you to be receptive
to your partner's advances,

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even from a neutral starting place,
because once you get into it,

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you're bound to remember: "I like sex."

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So, here's the deal.

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As human beings,
we are hard-wired for connection.

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We are learning through groundbreaking
research in social neuroscience

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that our need to connect
with people we love

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is more fundamental and more basic
than our need for food and shelter.

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The opposite is also true:
that disconnection hurts.

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I mean, get this.

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When scientists look
into the functional MRIs

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of the brains of people who have just
experienced a recent divorce

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or that are brokenhearted
because of a breakup,

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the exact same regions
of their brains light up

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as in the brains of people
who are experiencing physical pain.

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And the same is not true
for other negative emotions,

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like sadness, anxiety, and fear.

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Just for rejection, rejection is unique.

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Rejection hurts.

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So when your partner
comes over to you and says,

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"I'm looking at this amazing sunset,
and I want to share it with you,"

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or "I just read this incredible article,
and I want you to read it,"

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or "Can we just turn off
our cell phones on Friday nights

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so we can spend some time
together uninterrupted?"

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or "We haven't made love for a while,

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I'd love to snuggle in bed
and make love to you,"

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if we're not interested,
if we're not in the mood,

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rejection hurts.

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So what are we supposed to do?

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Well, here are those three lessons
I promised in the beginning of my talk.

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Number one.

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We all have different ways
of feeling connected to one another.

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We need to know our way,
but we have to become experts

00:15:57.160 --> 00:16:00.758
in our partner's way
of feeling connected to us.

00:16:00.759 --> 00:16:02.159
Number two.

00:16:02.160 --> 00:16:05.189
If you're with someone
who's yearning for more touch,

00:16:05.190 --> 00:16:10.019
more physical closeness, and more sex,
don't delude yourself into thinking,

00:16:10.020 --> 00:16:13.649
"it's just sex, like scratching an itch."

00:16:13.650 --> 00:16:19.429
Sex is a powerful way of connecting
and bonding with somebody you love.

00:16:19.430 --> 00:16:24.259
And number three, when you get
your partner's way of connecting to you,

00:16:24.260 --> 00:16:28.938
you don't have to fully understand it,
you don't have to fully agree with it,

00:16:28.939 --> 00:16:31.839
you just have to do it.

00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:33.539
And you want to know why?

00:16:33.540 --> 00:16:34.769
Two reasons.

00:16:34.770 --> 00:16:37.728
From everything I've learned
about relationships,

00:16:37.729 --> 00:16:41.689
healthy relationships are based
on mutual caretaking.

00:16:41.690 --> 00:16:44.549
Plus, it's an act of love.

00:16:46.009 --> 00:16:50.719
I know that what I'm asking you
to do is really challenging

00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:55.539
because I'm asking you to put
some one else's needs above your own.

00:16:55.540 --> 00:17:01.369
But I truly believe that if more of us
took to heart the very crucial idea

00:17:01.370 --> 00:17:04.239
that we have to
take better care of each other,

00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:08.079
and that we don't have to be slaves
to our own emotions,

00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:11.929
then we can make this world
a more loving place,

00:17:11.930 --> 00:17:15.627
one marriage, one relationship at a time.

00:17:15.628 --> 00:17:19.638
People tell me I'm a psychotic optimist.

00:17:19.640 --> 00:17:24.449
But I tell them, "That's OK.
It's a communicable disease."

00:17:24.450 --> 00:17:25.994
Thank you.

00:17:25.996 --> 00:17:27.736
(Applause)