[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.00,0:00:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to talk to you about sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.92,0:00:23.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To be more precise,\Nthe sex-starved marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.67,0:00:26.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I'm done, you'll know\Nthree things that you can do
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.90,0:00:29.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to prevent it from happening in your life.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.54,0:00:31.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So first I'd like to tell you a story.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.91,0:00:34.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For the last three decades,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.03,0:00:37.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been specializing\Nin work with 911 couples,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.75,0:00:42.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,couples who are truly teetering\Non the brink of divorce.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.07,0:00:45.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I resuscitate flat-line relationships.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.83,0:00:48.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I try to teach couples\Nwhat they need to know
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.96,0:00:52.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to resolve their differences\Nand fall back in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.28,0:00:56.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and put their kids\Nin bed at night together.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.08,0:01:00.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not an easy job,\Nbut I didn't choose my career,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.38,0:01:02.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my career chose me.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.60,0:01:06.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see, I grew up\Nin an incredible family.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.22,0:01:10.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two loving parents who never fought,\Ntwo great brothers,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.85,0:01:14.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a large extended family\Nwith whom we spent every weekend
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.70,0:01:16.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all of our holidays.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.96,0:01:22.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Until one fateful day, I was 16 years old\Nand a senior in high school
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.33,0:01:25.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my mom called us all in\Nfor a family meeting,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.58,0:01:28.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she proceeded to tell us
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.24,0:01:31.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she'd been miserable\Nfor 23 years in her marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.31,0:01:34.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she was getting\Na divorce from my father.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.88,0:01:36.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No one saw it coming.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.72,0:01:40.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I told you, my parents never fought.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.24,0:01:43.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I remember the feeling of blood\Nrushing from my body,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.45,0:01:46.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thinking, "How can this be happening?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.13,0:01:50.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm leaving home,\Nand my nest is falling apart."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.48,0:01:53.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's precisely what happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.93,0:01:58.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Divorce not only ends a marriage,\Nit dissolves a family.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.22,0:02:04.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The sadness about the break up\Nof my family still lingers today.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.10,0:02:07.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's because divorce is forever.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.73,0:02:10.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, my parents' divorce\Naffected me in a number of ways.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.72,0:02:14.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First, it made me incredibly impassioned
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.70,0:02:17.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about learning everything I possibly could
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.70,0:02:22.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about how to have a healthy,\Nloving, lasting relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.27,0:02:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I could apply it in my own life\Nwith my own family,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.72,0:02:27.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my own marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.67,0:02:32.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm very proud to say\Nthat one of my biggest accomplishments
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.48,0:02:37.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is my nearly 40-year marriage\Nto my husband, Jim.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.10,0:02:41.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you knew him, you'd know\Nwhat an accomplishment this really is.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.08,0:02:44.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.13,0:02:49.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other thing the divorce made me do,\Nis be incredibly impassioned
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.16,0:02:53.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about teaching what I know\Nto anyone who crosses my path.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.39,0:02:55.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now when I say that, I really mean that.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.46,0:02:58.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not just talking\Nabout the couples in my practice.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.63,0:03:02.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I do some of my best work on airplanes,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.94,0:03:05.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or online at Whole Foods,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.94,0:03:09.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or as a matter of fact,\Nthat's why I'm here right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.57,0:03:13.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to warn you\Nabout the inevitable pitfalls
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.08,0:03:15.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a sex-starved marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.83,0:03:18.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what is that?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.17,0:03:22.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A sex-starved marriage is one\Nwhere one spouse is desperately longing
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.30,0:03:27.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for more touch, more physical closeness,\Nmore sex, more physical affection,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.44,0:03:31.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the other spouse is thinking,\N"What is the big deal?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.21,0:03:35.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Would you just get a life, it's just sex."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.04,0:03:39.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But to the spouse yearning for more sex\Nand more touch, it's a huge deal,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.90,0:03:46.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it really is about feeling wanted,\Nabout feeling loved, feeling connected,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.01,0:03:50.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about feeling masculine,\Nor feminine and attractive.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.62,0:03:54.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When this major disconnect happens,\Nwhat also happens
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.87,0:03:59.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that intimacy on all levels\Ngoes right out the door.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.51,0:04:02.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They stop sitting next\Nto each other on the couch.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.57,0:04:05.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They quit laughing at each others' jokes.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.20,0:04:07.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They don't spend time together.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.94,0:04:10.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They stop being friends.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.05,0:04:15.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it places the marriage\Nat risk of infidelity and divorce.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.14,0:04:20.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of the reasons\Nthat people have low desire
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.13,0:04:26.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or an insatiable appetite for sex,\Nare very complicated and deep-seated.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.14,0:04:27.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm happy to tell you
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.92,0:04:30.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the primary cause\Nfor a sex-starved marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.92,0:04:34.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is also the simplest to solve.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.01,0:04:39.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And before I explain that solution,\NI really want to go on record for saying
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.69,0:04:46.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that if you're sitting here, thinking\Nlow sexual desire is a women's issue,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.44,0:04:48.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to think again.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.49,0:04:53.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Women do not have a corner\Non the low libido market.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.35,0:05:00.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm convinced that low desire in men\Nis one of our very best-kept secrets.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.12,0:05:07.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Having said that, I want to also tell you\Nabout a little talked about fact,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.23,0:05:10.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that in a sex-starved marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.41,0:05:16.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the person with the lower sex drive\Ncontrols the sexual relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.04,0:05:19.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I say that,\NI don't mean that this person
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.33,0:05:23.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is intentionally mean-spirited,\Nor unkind, or manipulative.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.06,0:05:26.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just mean, if that person\Nisn't interested in sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.69,0:05:29.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the partner may as well\Ngo take a cold shower,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.35,0:05:31.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it's not going to happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.70,0:05:35.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I find this really curious\Non a couple of counts,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.40,0:05:36.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because when we think
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.61,0:05:39.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about how decisions are made in marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.25,0:05:42.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we generally think about mutuality:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.72,0:05:45.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two people decide when to get married,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.72,0:05:48.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether to have kids,\Nhave to raise those kids,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.50,0:05:53.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what to do about finances, the in-laws,\Nwho is going to do what around the house,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.41,0:06:00.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but conspicuously missing from that mix\Nis anything having to do with sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.97,0:06:04.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's it like, the nature,\Nthe quality, the quantity.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.17,0:06:06.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I find this incredible.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.07,0:06:10.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know couples who have been married\Nfor 20 to 30 years
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.67,0:06:14.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who have never spoken about sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.37,0:06:19.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other thing that really amazes me,\Nabout this unilateral decision making,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.85,0:06:24.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is one person decides "no sex",\Nand expects the partner to accept it,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.78,0:06:30.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not complain about it, and oh yes,\Nyou have to be monogamous.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.32,0:06:35.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is an unworkable arrangement.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.03,0:06:38.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me tell you\Nabout a couple in my practice.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.52,0:06:44.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Meet John and Mary.\NThey've been married for 15 years.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.45,0:06:49.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,John's a real laid back kind of guy,\Nhe doesn't like to complain about much,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.55,0:06:53.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,except in the last 15 minutes\Nof my session with him,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.09,0:06:57.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he finally gets up the courage\Nto tell me about something
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.19,0:07:00.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that had been bothering him\Nfor a long, long time:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.87,0:07:04.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there really is only\Na two-hour window of opportunity,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.82,0:07:09.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on Friday nights between 10 and 12,\Nwhere Mary might be interested in sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.84,0:07:13.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he knows not to bother her\Nat any other time.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.43,0:07:18.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like you laughing, I glanced over\Nat Mary, and Mary was chuckling,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.50,0:07:21.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because she recognized herself\Nin that description.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.76,0:07:25.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,John wasn't laughing. He wasn't smiling.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.66,0:07:30.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I said to him, "John,\Nwhat's this been like for you?"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.09,0:07:34.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said to me,\N"I want to talk to Mary."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.78,0:07:37.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He turned to her, took a deep breath.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.44,0:07:42.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said, "When I reach out to you in bed,\Nand you're not there for me,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.89,0:07:45.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the only thing I ever think about is:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.25,0:07:51.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you attracted to me anymore?\NDo you love me like I love you?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.14,0:07:53.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you want to be with me?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.94,0:07:55.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then when you go to sleep,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.94,0:07:59.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm lying next to you\Nand staring up at the ceiling,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.53,0:08:04.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all I can think about is: this is\Nthe loneliest feeling in the world
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.67,0:08:06.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,lying next to you in bed."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.74,0:08:11.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To Mary's credit,\Nher eyes filled up with tears,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.63,0:08:14.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she reached out\Nand grabbed John's hands.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.31,0:08:18.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "John, I have to tell you,\Nin all the years we've been married,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.24,0:08:23.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never, not once, thought about\Nwhat it's like to be you.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.21,0:08:26.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I only think about, am I in the mood?\NAm I not in the mood?'
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.44,0:08:29.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm so, so sorry. I'll do better."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.38,0:08:33.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,John began to cry.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.46,0:08:35.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to cry.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.46,0:08:39.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me, it was a magical moment.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.83,0:08:44.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because it was the first time\Nin the history of their marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.50,0:08:47.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that Mary was stretching\Noutside her comfort zone
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.31,0:08:52.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to try to understand John's pain,\Nhis loneliness, his alienation,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.73,0:08:55.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,his need to connect with her.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.50,0:08:58.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she promised she would do better.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.53,0:09:01.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was the beginning\Nof a breakthrough for them.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.70,0:09:06.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unfortunately, for so many couples,\Nit doesn't work that way.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.13,0:09:11.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, very often,\Nthe very thing that couples do
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.70,0:09:16.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to deal with a sex-starved marriage\Nactually makes things worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.33,0:09:18.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me give you an example.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.77,0:09:23.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So he says: "Honey, do you want\Nto put the kids to bed early,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.38,0:09:25.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have a glass of wine and fool around?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.83,0:09:31.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she says: "I have so much on my mind,\NI'm not relaxed, and I have a headache."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.96,0:09:37.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You were the one to tell me last week\Nthat women are great multi taskers.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.07,0:09:40.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can't you have a headache\Nand sex at the same time?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.14,0:09:41.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:41.83,0:09:46.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't think you're funny. Furthermore,\Nwhat part of 'no' don't you get?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.93,0:09:51.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm not trying to be funny. I'm furious.\NWe haven't had sex in six weeks.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:51.25,0:09:54.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hate this relationship.\NIt's just not working."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.88,0:09:57.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You raise your voice,\Nand you talk to me like that,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.33,0:09:59.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then you expect me\Nto want to touch you?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.46,0:10:01.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Plus, do you realize\Nfor the last two or three weeks
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.95,0:10:03.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you haven't been home at all?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.53,0:10:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you are home,\Nyou don't talk to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.72,0:10:08.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don't do things together,\Nyou're angry, and you're withdrawn.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.94,0:10:11.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am not going\Nto have sex with you like that."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.77,0:10:15.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't want to talk\Nto you anymore. I'm out of here."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.42,0:10:21.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's going on here?\NI'll tell you what's going on.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.06,0:10:25.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the early stages of dealing\Nwith a sex-starved marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.47,0:10:27.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the person with higher desire
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.71,0:10:33.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,usually approaches his or her spouse\Nwith open-heartedness and vulnerability,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.72,0:10:37.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,saying things like, "I miss you.\NI want to have sex with you,"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.63,0:10:43.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when the pleas for connection are met\Nwith unresponsiveness, as they often are,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.89,0:10:49.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that vulnerability quickly turns\Ninto anger and contempt.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.06,0:10:52.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anger is not an aphrodisiac.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.45,0:10:55.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anger leads to sexual withdrawal.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.93,0:11:00.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sexual withdrawal\Nleads to heightened anger.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:00.04,0:11:03.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Heightened anger leads to sexual anorexia.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.72,0:11:05.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And on and on.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.84,0:11:10.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then both people wait\Nfor the other person to change.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.07,0:11:13.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's how marriages go down the drain.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.31,0:11:17.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what are they supposed to do?\NWell, here's what they're supposed to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.55,0:11:19.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He needs to get a grip on his anger,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.93,0:11:23.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,regardless of whether he feels\Nshort-changed or not.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.38,0:11:27.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he needs to spend time with her,\Nand talk to her, be present in her life.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.88,0:11:32.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He needs to recognize\Nthat those things will turn her on.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.21,0:11:34.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what does she need to do?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.18,0:11:36.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, despite her feelings,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.43,0:11:42.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she needs to adopt\Nthe Nike philosophy and just do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.01,0:11:43.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.48,0:11:45.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why? For two reasons.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.03,0:11:49.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first is obvious, he'll be happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.03,0:11:52.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He'll be nicer, he'll be more present.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.30,0:11:55.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mostly, he'll be more grateful.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.16,0:11:56.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there's another reason.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.65,0:12:00.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It has nothing to do with him,\Nand it's all about her.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.29,0:12:05.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wish I had a dollar for each time\Nsomeone in my practice said to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.57,0:12:09.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Michelle, I wasn't in the mood for sex\Nwhen my partner approached me,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.02,0:12:12.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but once we got into it,\NI had a really good time.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.37,0:12:14.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a great orgasm.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.18,0:12:15.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We enjoyed each other.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.77,0:12:20.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then afterwards, we had the best talk\Nthat we've had in months."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.13,0:12:23.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I described that scenario\Nto a couple in my practice,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.88,0:12:26.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the husband said, "Yikes, that's my wife.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.78,0:12:29.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wish she would just\Nwrite it on her hand, 'I like sex',
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.70,0:12:32.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so she remembers it for the next time.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.23,0:12:33.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.63,0:12:38.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's actually some science to this.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.17,0:12:42.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw this so often in my practice\Nthat I started scouring the research,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.58,0:12:46.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I bumped into the work\Nof Dr. Rosemary Basson.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.26,0:12:49.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She took the mystery\Nout of my observations.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.92,0:12:54.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The human sexual response cycle\Nis considered to have four stages.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.06,0:12:55.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first is desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.65,0:12:58.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This means that you can be doing\Njust about anything,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.29,0:13:02.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,taking a walk, studying for a test,\Npreparing a meal, talking to a friend,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.70,0:13:05.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all of a sudden,\Nyou have this random lusty thought
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.75,0:13:08.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you start fantasizing about sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.22,0:13:10.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Second stage is arousal.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.64,0:13:14.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You get with your partner,\Nyou get physically aroused,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.15,0:13:16.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you feel that sensation inside.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.48,0:13:18.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The third stage: orgasm.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.62,0:13:20.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you need an explanation?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.45,0:13:21.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.58,0:13:27.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fourth stage: resolution, your body\Ngoes back to its normal resting state.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.12,0:13:31.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, apparently,\Naccording to Dr. Basson's research,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.09,0:13:33.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for millions of people,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.79,0:13:39.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stages one, desire and two,\Narousal are actually reversed.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.32,0:13:43.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Their bodies have to be\Nphysically stimulated and aroused
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.10,0:13:46.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order for their brains\Nto register there is desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:46.86,0:13:53.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The desire is there, but it's not\Nthe compelling force to initiate sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.62,0:13:58.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If this sounds like you,\Nor a friend of a friend,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.47,0:14:04.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it behooves you to be receptive\Nto your partner's advances,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:04.38,0:14:08.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even from a neutral starting place,\Nbecause once you get into it,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.93,0:14:13.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're bound to remember: "I like sex."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.36,0:14:16.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, here's the deal.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.01,0:14:22.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As human beings,\Nwe are hard-wired for connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.86,0:14:27.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are learning through groundbreaking\Nresearch in social neuroscience
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.32,0:14:30.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that our need to connect\Nwith people we love
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.06,0:14:35.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is more fundamental and more basic\Nthan our need for food and shelter.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.33,0:14:39.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The opposite is also true:\Nthat disconnection hurts.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.39,0:14:41.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, get this.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.12,0:14:44.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When scientists look\Ninto the functional MRIs
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.66,0:14:49.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the brains of people who have just\Nexperienced a recent divorce
Dialogue: 0,0:14:49.06,0:14:52.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or that are brokenhearted\Nbecause of a breakup,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.13,0:14:55.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the exact same regions\Nof their brains light up
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.22,0:15:00.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as in the brains of people\Nwho are experiencing physical pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.56,0:15:04.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the same is not true\Nfor other negative emotions,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.21,0:15:07.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like sadness, anxiety, and fear.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.95,0:15:11.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just for rejection, rejection is unique.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:11.27,0:15:13.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rejection hurts.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:13.68,0:15:16.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when your partner\Ncomes over to you and says,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:16.17,0:15:20.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm looking at this amazing sunset,\Nand I want to share it with you,"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:20.03,0:15:23.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or "I just read this incredible article,\Nand I want you to read it,"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.38,0:15:26.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or "Can we just turn off\Nour cell phones on Friday nights
Dialogue: 0,0:15:26.65,0:15:30.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so we can spend some time\Ntogether uninterrupted?"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:30.44,0:15:32.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or "We haven't made love for a while,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:32.59,0:15:35.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd love to snuggle in bed\Nand make love to you,"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.21,0:15:39.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we're not interested,\Nif we're not in the mood,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.04,0:15:41.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rejection hurts.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:41.75,0:15:43.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what are we supposed to do?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:43.89,0:15:48.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, here are those three lessons\NI promised in the beginning of my talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:48.05,0:15:49.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number one.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.36,0:15:53.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all have different ways\Nof feeling connected to one another.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.06,0:15:57.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to know our way,\Nbut we have to become experts
Dialogue: 0,0:15:57.16,0:16:00.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in our partner's way\Nof feeling connected to us.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:00.76,0:16:02.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number two.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.16,0:16:05.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're with someone\Nwho's yearning for more touch,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.19,0:16:10.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more physical closeness, and more sex,\Ndon't delude yourself into thinking,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:10.02,0:16:13.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"it's just sex, like scratching an itch."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:13.65,0:16:19.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sex is a powerful way of connecting\Nand bonding with somebody you love.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.43,0:16:24.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And number three, when you get\Nyour partner's way of connecting to you,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.26,0:16:28.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you don't have to fully understand it,\Nyou don't have to fully agree with it,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.94,0:16:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you just have to do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.84,0:16:33.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you want to know why?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:33.54,0:16:34.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two reasons.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:34.77,0:16:37.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From everything I've learned\Nabout relationships,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:37.73,0:16:41.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,healthy relationships are based\Non mutual caretaking.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:41.69,0:16:44.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Plus, it's an act of love.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:46.01,0:16:50.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that what I'm asking you\Nto do is really challenging
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.72,0:16:55.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I'm asking you to put\Nsome one else's needs above your own.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.54,0:17:01.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I truly believe that if more of us\Ntook to heart the very crucial idea
Dialogue: 0,0:17:01.37,0:17:04.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we have to\Ntake better care of each other,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:04.24,0:17:08.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that we don't have to be slaves\Nto our own emotions,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.08,0:17:11.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we can make this world\Na more loving place,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:11.93,0:17:15.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one marriage, one relationship at a time.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:15.63,0:17:19.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People tell me I'm a psychotic optimist.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.64,0:17:24.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I tell them, "That's OK.\NIt's a communicable disease."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:24.45,0:17:25.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:25.100,0:17:27.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)