0:00:15.000,0:00:18.918
I'm going to talk to you about sex.

0:00:18.919,0:00:23.669
To be more precise,[br]the sex-starved marriage.

0:00:23.670,0:00:26.899
When I'm done, you'll know[br]three things that you can do

0:00:26.900,0:00:29.539
to prevent it from happening in your life.

0:00:29.540,0:00:31.909
So first I'd like to tell you a story.

0:00:31.910,0:00:34.029
For the last three decades,

0:00:34.030,0:00:37.749
I've been specializing[br]in work with 911 couples,

0:00:37.750,0:00:42.069
couples who are truly teetering[br]on the brink of divorce.

0:00:42.070,0:00:45.829
I resuscitate flat-line relationships.

0:00:45.830,0:00:48.959
I try to teach couples[br]what they need to know

0:00:48.960,0:00:52.279
to resolve their differences[br]and fall back in love,

0:00:52.280,0:00:56.078
and put their kids[br]in bed at night together.

0:00:56.079,0:01:00.378
It's not an easy job,[br]but I didn't choose my career,

0:01:00.379,0:01:02.599
my career chose me.

0:01:02.600,0:01:06.219
You see, I grew up[br]in an incredible family.

0:01:06.220,0:01:10.849
Two loving parents who never fought,[br]two great brothers,

0:01:10.850,0:01:14.699
a large extended family[br]with whom we spent every weekend

0:01:14.700,0:01:16.959
and all of our holidays.

0:01:16.960,0:01:22.329
Until one fateful day, I was 16 years old[br]and a senior in high school

0:01:22.330,0:01:25.579
and my mom called us all in[br]for a family meeting,

0:01:25.580,0:01:28.239
and she proceeded to tell us

0:01:28.240,0:01:31.309
that she'd been miserable[br]for 23 years in her marriage

0:01:31.310,0:01:34.879
and she was getting[br]a divorce from my father.

0:01:34.880,0:01:36.719
No one saw it coming.

0:01:36.720,0:01:40.239
I told you, my parents never fought.

0:01:40.240,0:01:43.449
I remember the feeling of blood[br]rushing from my body,

0:01:43.450,0:01:46.129
thinking, "How can this be happening?

0:01:46.130,0:01:50.520
I'm leaving home,[br]and my nest is falling apart."

0:01:51.480,0:01:53.929
And that's precisely what happened.

0:01:53.930,0:01:58.170
Divorce not only ends a marriage,[br]it dissolves a family.

0:01:59.220,0:02:04.099
The sadness about the break up[br]of my family still lingers today.

0:02:04.100,0:02:07.729
That's because divorce is forever.

0:02:07.730,0:02:10.719
Now, my parents' divorce[br]affected me in a number of ways.

0:02:10.720,0:02:14.699
First, it made me incredibly impassioned

0:02:14.700,0:02:17.699
about learning everything I possibly could

0:02:17.700,0:02:22.269
about how to have a healthy,[br]loving, lasting relationship,

0:02:22.270,0:02:25.719
so I could apply it in my own life[br]with my own family,

0:02:25.720,0:02:27.669
and my own marriage.

0:02:27.670,0:02:32.479
And I'm very proud to say[br]that one of my biggest accomplishments

0:02:32.480,0:02:37.099
is my nearly 40-year marriage[br]to my husband, Jim.

0:02:37.100,0:02:41.079
And if you knew him, you'd know[br]what an accomplishment this really is.

0:02:41.080,0:02:44.129
(Laughter)

0:02:44.130,0:02:49.159
The other thing the divorce made me do,[br]is be incredibly impassioned

0:02:49.160,0:02:53.389
about teaching what I know[br]to anyone who crosses my path.

0:02:53.390,0:02:55.459
Now when I say that, I really mean that.

0:02:55.460,0:02:58.629
I'm not just talking[br]about the couples in my practice.

0:02:58.630,0:03:02.939
I do some of my best work on airplanes,

0:03:02.940,0:03:05.939
or online at Whole Foods,

0:03:05.940,0:03:09.569
or as a matter of fact,[br]that's why I'm here right now.

0:03:09.570,0:03:13.078
I want to warn you[br]about the inevitable pitfalls

0:03:13.079,0:03:15.829
of a sex-starved marriage.

0:03:15.830,0:03:18.169
But what is that?

0:03:18.170,0:03:22.299
A sex-starved marriage is one[br]where one spouse is desperately longing

0:03:22.300,0:03:27.439
for more touch, more physical closeness,[br]more sex, more physical affection,

0:03:27.440,0:03:31.209
and the other spouse is thinking,[br]"What is the big deal?

0:03:31.210,0:03:35.039
Would you just get a life, it's just sex."

0:03:35.040,0:03:39.899
But to the spouse yearning for more sex[br]and more touch, it's a huge deal,

0:03:39.900,0:03:46.009
because it really is about feeling wanted,[br]about feeling loved, feeling connected,

0:03:46.010,0:03:50.619
about feeling masculine,[br]or feminine and attractive.

0:03:50.620,0:03:54.869
When this major disconnect happens,[br]what also happens

0:03:54.870,0:03:59.509
is that intimacy on all levels[br]goes right out the door.

0:03:59.510,0:04:02.569
They stop sitting next[br]to each other on the couch.

0:04:02.570,0:04:05.199
They quit laughing at each others' jokes.

0:04:05.200,0:04:07.939
They don't spend time together.

0:04:07.940,0:04:10.049
They stop being friends.

0:04:10.050,0:04:15.950
And it places the marriage[br]at risk of infidelity and divorce.

0:04:17.140,0:04:20.129
Some of the reasons[br]that people have low desire

0:04:20.130,0:04:26.139
or an insatiable appetite for sex,[br]are very complicated and deep-seated.

0:04:26.140,0:04:27.918
But I'm happy to tell you

0:04:27.919,0:04:30.918
that the primary cause[br]for a sex-starved marriage

0:04:30.919,0:04:34.009
is also the simplest to solve.

0:04:34.010,0:04:39.689
And before I explain that solution,[br]I really want to go on record for saying

0:04:39.690,0:04:46.438
that if you're sitting here, thinking[br]low sexual desire is a women's issue,

0:04:46.439,0:04:48.489
I want you to think again.

0:04:48.490,0:04:53.349
Women do not have a corner[br]on the low libido market.

0:04:53.350,0:05:00.340
I'm convinced that low desire in men[br]is one of our very best-kept secrets.

0:05:01.120,0:05:07.229
Having said that, I want to also tell you[br]about a little talked about fact,

0:05:07.230,0:05:10.408
that in a sex-starved marriage,

0:05:10.409,0:05:16.039
the person with the lower sex drive[br]controls the sexual relationship.

0:05:16.040,0:05:19.329
When I say that,[br]I don't mean that this person

0:05:19.330,0:05:23.059
is intentionally mean-spirited,[br]or unkind, or manipulative.

0:05:23.060,0:05:26.689
I just mean, if that person[br]isn't interested in sex,

0:05:26.690,0:05:29.349
the partner may as well[br]go take a cold shower,

0:05:29.350,0:05:31.699
because it's not going to happen.

0:05:31.700,0:05:35.399
I find this really curious[br]on a couple of counts,

0:05:35.400,0:05:36.609
because when we think

0:05:36.610,0:05:39.249
about how decisions are made in marriage,

0:05:39.250,0:05:42.719
we generally think about mutuality:

0:05:42.720,0:05:45.719
two people decide when to get married,

0:05:45.720,0:05:48.490
whether to have kids,[br]have to raise those kids,

0:05:48.500,0:05:53.409
what to do about finances, the in-laws,[br]who is going to do what around the house,

0:05:53.410,0:06:00.020
but conspicuously missing from that mix[br]is anything having to do with sex.

0:06:00.970,0:06:04.169
What's it like, the nature,[br]the quality, the quantity.

0:06:04.170,0:06:06.069
I find this incredible.

0:06:06.070,0:06:10.668
I know couples who have been married[br]for 20 to 30 years

0:06:10.669,0:06:14.369
who have never spoken about sex.

0:06:14.370,0:06:19.849
The other thing that really amazes me,[br]about this unilateral decision making,

0:06:19.850,0:06:24.779
is one person decides "no sex",[br]and expects the partner to accept it,

0:06:24.780,0:06:30.179
not complain about it, and oh yes,[br]you have to be monogamous.

0:06:31.319,0:06:35.029
This is an unworkable arrangement.

0:06:35.030,0:06:38.519
Let me tell you[br]about a couple in my practice.

0:06:38.520,0:06:44.449
Meet John and Mary.[br]They've been married for 15 years.

0:06:44.450,0:06:49.549
John's a real laid back kind of guy,[br]he doesn't like to complain about much,

0:06:49.550,0:06:53.089
except in the last 15 minutes[br]of my session with him,

0:06:53.090,0:06:57.189
he finally gets up the courage[br]to tell me about something

0:06:57.190,0:07:00.868
that had been bothering him[br]for a long, long time:

0:07:00.869,0:07:04.818
that there really is only[br]a two-hour window of opportunity,

0:07:04.819,0:07:09.839
on Friday nights between 10 and 12,[br]where Mary might be interested in sex,

0:07:09.840,0:07:13.428
and he knows not to bother her[br]at any other time.

0:07:13.429,0:07:18.499
Like you laughing, I glanced over[br]at Mary, and Mary was chuckling,

0:07:18.500,0:07:21.758
because she recognized herself[br]in that description.

0:07:21.759,0:07:25.659
John wasn't laughing. He wasn't smiling.

0:07:25.660,0:07:30.190
So I said to him, "John,[br]what's this been like for you?"

0:07:31.090,0:07:34.779
And he said to me,[br]"I want to talk to Mary."

0:07:34.780,0:07:37.438
He turned to her, took a deep breath.

0:07:37.439,0:07:42.889
He said, "When I reach out to you in bed,[br]and you're not there for me,

0:07:42.890,0:07:45.570
the only thing I ever think about is:

0:07:47.250,0:07:51.138
Are you attracted to me anymore?[br]Do you love me like I love you?

0:07:51.139,0:07:53.939
Do you want to be with me?

0:07:53.940,0:07:55.939
And then when you go to sleep,

0:07:55.940,0:07:59.529
and I'm lying next to you[br]and staring up at the ceiling,

0:07:59.530,0:08:04.668
all I can think about is: this is[br]the loneliest feeling in the world

0:08:04.669,0:08:06.940
lying next to you in bed."

0:08:07.740,0:08:11.629
To Mary's credit,[br]her eyes filled up with tears,

0:08:11.630,0:08:14.309
and she reached out[br]and grabbed John's hands.

0:08:14.310,0:08:18.238
She said, "John, I have to tell you,[br]in all the years we've been married,

0:08:18.239,0:08:23.209
I never, not once, thought about[br]what it's like to be you.

0:08:23.210,0:08:26.439
I only think about, am I in the mood?[br]Am I not in the mood?'

0:08:26.440,0:08:29.790
I'm so, so sorry. I'll do better."

0:08:31.380,0:08:33.457
John began to cry.

0:08:33.458,0:08:35.099
I began to cry.

0:08:36.458,0:08:39.827
For me, it was a magical moment.

0:08:39.828,0:08:44.498
Because it was the first time[br]in the history of their marriage

0:08:44.499,0:08:47.308
that Mary was stretching[br]outside her comfort zone

0:08:47.309,0:08:52.728
to try to understand John's pain,[br]his loneliness, his alienation,

0:08:52.729,0:08:55.349
his need to connect with her.

0:08:56.499,0:08:58.528
And she promised she would do better.

0:08:58.529,0:09:01.698
It was the beginning[br]of a breakthrough for them.

0:09:01.699,0:09:06.128
Unfortunately, for so many couples,[br]it doesn't work that way.

0:09:06.129,0:09:11.698
In fact, very often,[br]the very thing that couples do

0:09:11.699,0:09:16.328
to deal with a sex-starved marriage[br]actually makes things worse.

0:09:16.329,0:09:18.769
Let me give you an example.

0:09:18.770,0:09:23.378
So he says: "Honey, do you want[br]to put the kids to bed early,

0:09:23.379,0:09:25.828
have a glass of wine and fool around?"

0:09:25.829,0:09:31.699
And she says: "I have so much on my mind,[br]I'm not relaxed, and I have a headache."

0:09:32.959,0:09:37.042
"You were the one to tell me last week[br]that women are great multi taskers.

0:09:37.069,0:09:40.139
Can't you have a headache[br]and sex at the same time?"

0:09:40.140,0:09:41.829
(Laughter)

0:09:41.830,0:09:46.420
"I don't think you're funny. Furthermore,[br]what part of 'no' don't you get?"

0:09:46.930,0:09:51.249
"I'm not trying to be funny. I'm furious.[br]We haven't had sex in six weeks.

0:09:51.250,0:09:54.440
I hate this relationship.[br]It's just not working."

0:09:54.880,0:09:57.329
"You raise your voice,[br]and you talk to me like that,

0:09:57.330,0:09:59.459
and then you expect me[br]to want to touch you?

0:09:59.460,0:10:01.949
Plus, do you realize[br]for the last two or three weeks

0:10:01.950,0:10:03.529
you haven't been home at all?

0:10:03.530,0:10:05.719
And when you are home,[br]you don't talk to me,

0:10:05.720,0:10:08.939
we don't do things together,[br]you're angry, and you're withdrawn.

0:10:08.940,0:10:11.769
I am not going[br]to have sex with you like that."

0:10:11.770,0:10:15.890
"I don't want to talk[br]to you anymore. I'm out of here."

0:10:17.420,0:10:21.059
What's going on here?[br]I'll tell you what's going on.

0:10:21.060,0:10:25.469
In the early stages of dealing[br]with a sex-starved marriage,

0:10:25.470,0:10:27.690
the person with higher desire

0:10:27.709,0:10:33.719
usually approaches his or her spouse[br]with open-heartedness and vulnerability,

0:10:33.720,0:10:37.629
saying things like, "I miss you.[br]I want to have sex with you,"

0:10:37.630,0:10:43.880
but when the pleas for connection are met[br]with unresponsiveness, as they often are,

0:10:44.890,0:10:49.059
that vulnerability quickly turns[br]into anger and contempt.

0:10:49.060,0:10:52.449
Anger is not an aphrodisiac.

0:10:52.450,0:10:55.929
Anger leads to sexual withdrawal.

0:10:55.930,0:11:00.039
Sexual withdrawal[br]leads to heightened anger.

0:11:00.040,0:11:03.719
Heightened anger leads to sexual anorexia.

0:11:03.720,0:11:05.839
And on and on.

0:11:05.840,0:11:10.069
And then both people wait[br]for the other person to change.

0:11:10.070,0:11:13.309
That's how marriages go down the drain.

0:11:13.310,0:11:17.549
So what are they supposed to do?[br]Well, here's what they're supposed to do.

0:11:17.550,0:11:19.929
He needs to get a grip on his anger,

0:11:19.930,0:11:23.379
regardless of whether he feels[br]short-changed or not.

0:11:23.380,0:11:27.879
And he needs to spend time with her,[br]and talk to her, be present in her life.

0:11:27.880,0:11:32.209
He needs to recognize[br]that those things will turn her on.

0:11:32.210,0:11:34.179
And what does she need to do?

0:11:34.180,0:11:36.429
Well, despite her feelings,

0:11:36.430,0:11:42.009
she needs to adopt[br]the Nike philosophy and just do it.

0:11:42.010,0:11:43.479
(Laughter)

0:11:43.480,0:11:45.029
Why? For two reasons.

0:11:45.030,0:11:49.029
The first is obvious, he'll be happy.

0:11:49.030,0:11:52.299
He'll be nicer, he'll be more present.

0:11:52.300,0:11:55.159
Mostly, he'll be more grateful.

0:11:55.160,0:11:56.649
But there's another reason.

0:11:56.650,0:12:00.289
It has nothing to do with him,[br]and it's all about her.

0:12:00.290,0:12:05.569
I wish I had a dollar for each time[br]someone in my practice said to me,

0:12:05.570,0:12:09.019
"Michelle, I wasn't in the mood for sex[br]when my partner approached me,

0:12:09.020,0:12:12.369
but once we got into it,[br]I had a really good time.

0:12:12.370,0:12:14.179
I had a great orgasm.

0:12:14.180,0:12:15.769
We enjoyed each other.

0:12:15.770,0:12:20.129
And then afterwards, we had the best talk[br]that we've had in months."

0:12:20.130,0:12:23.879
And when I described that scenario[br]to a couple in my practice,

0:12:23.880,0:12:26.779
the husband said, "Yikes, that's my wife.

0:12:26.780,0:12:29.699
I wish she would just[br]write it on her hand, 'I like sex',

0:12:29.700,0:12:32.229
so she remembers it for the next time.

0:12:32.230,0:12:33.840
(Laughter)

0:12:35.630,0:12:38.169
There's actually some science to this.

0:12:38.170,0:12:42.580
I saw this so often in my practice[br]that I started scouring the research,

0:12:42.584,0:12:46.251
and I bumped into the work[br]of Dr. Rosemary Basson.

0:12:46.260,0:12:49.919
She took the mystery[br]out of my observations.

0:12:49.920,0:12:54.059
The human sexual response cycle[br]is considered to have four stages.

0:12:54.060,0:12:55.649
The first is desire.

0:12:55.650,0:12:58.288
This means that you can be doing[br]just about anything,

0:12:58.289,0:13:02.699
taking a walk, studying for a test,[br]preparing a meal, talking to a friend,

0:13:02.700,0:13:05.749
and all of a sudden,[br]you have this random lusty thought

0:13:05.750,0:13:08.218
and you start fantasizing about sex.

0:13:08.219,0:13:10.639
Second stage is arousal.

0:13:10.640,0:13:14.149
You get with your partner,[br]you get physically aroused,

0:13:14.150,0:13:16.479
and you feel that sensation inside.

0:13:16.480,0:13:18.619
The third stage: orgasm.

0:13:18.620,0:13:20.449
Do you need an explanation?

0:13:20.450,0:13:21.579
(Laughter)

0:13:21.580,0:13:27.110
Fourth stage: resolution, your body[br]goes back to its normal resting state.

0:13:27.125,0:13:31.084
Well, apparently,[br]according to Dr. Basson's research,

0:13:31.090,0:13:33.789
for millions of people,

0:13:33.790,0:13:39.319
stages one, desire and two,[br]arousal are actually reversed.

0:13:39.320,0:13:43.099
Their bodies have to be[br]physically stimulated and aroused

0:13:43.100,0:13:46.859
in order for their brains[br]to register there is desire.

0:13:46.860,0:13:53.380
The desire is there, but it's not[br]the compelling force to initiate sex.

0:13:54.620,0:13:58.600
If this sounds like you,[br]or a friend of a friend,

0:14:00.470,0:14:04.379
it behooves you to be receptive[br]to your partner's advances,

0:14:04.380,0:14:08.929
even from a neutral starting place,[br]because once you get into it,

0:14:08.930,0:14:13.470
you're bound to remember: "I like sex."

0:14:14.360,0:14:16.810
So, here's the deal.

0:14:18.010,0:14:22.859
As human beings,[br]we are hard-wired for connection.

0:14:22.860,0:14:27.318
We are learning through groundbreaking[br]research in social neuroscience

0:14:27.319,0:14:30.059
that our need to connect[br]with people we love

0:14:30.060,0:14:35.329
is more fundamental and more basic[br]than our need for food and shelter.

0:14:35.330,0:14:39.389
The opposite is also true:[br]that disconnection hurts.

0:14:39.390,0:14:41.124
I mean, get this.

0:14:41.125,0:14:44.626
When scientists look[br]into the functional MRIs

0:14:44.660,0:14:49.059
of the brains of people who have just[br]experienced a recent divorce

0:14:49.060,0:14:52.129
or that are brokenhearted[br]because of a breakup,

0:14:52.130,0:14:55.219
the exact same regions[br]of their brains light up

0:14:55.220,0:15:00.559
as in the brains of people[br]who are experiencing physical pain.

0:15:00.560,0:15:04.208
And the same is not true[br]for other negative emotions,

0:15:04.209,0:15:07.948
like sadness, anxiety, and fear.

0:15:07.949,0:15:11.269
Just for rejection, rejection is unique.

0:15:11.270,0:15:13.679
Rejection hurts.

0:15:13.680,0:15:16.169
So when your partner[br]comes over to you and says,

0:15:16.170,0:15:20.029
"I'm looking at this amazing sunset,[br]and I want to share it with you,"

0:15:20.030,0:15:23.379
or "I just read this incredible article,[br]and I want you to read it,"

0:15:23.380,0:15:26.649
or "Can we just turn off[br]our cell phones on Friday nights

0:15:26.650,0:15:30.439
so we can spend some time[br]together uninterrupted?"

0:15:30.440,0:15:32.589
or "We haven't made love for a while,

0:15:32.590,0:15:35.209
I'd love to snuggle in bed[br]and make love to you,"

0:15:35.210,0:15:39.039
if we're not interested,[br]if we're not in the mood,

0:15:39.040,0:15:41.749
rejection hurts.

0:15:41.750,0:15:43.889
So what are we supposed to do?

0:15:43.890,0:15:48.049
Well, here are those three lessons[br]I promised in the beginning of my talk.

0:15:48.050,0:15:49.359
Number one.

0:15:49.360,0:15:53.059
We all have different ways[br]of feeling connected to one another.

0:15:53.060,0:15:57.159
We need to know our way,[br]but we have to become experts

0:15:57.160,0:16:00.758
in our partner's way[br]of feeling connected to us.

0:16:00.759,0:16:02.159
Number two.

0:16:02.160,0:16:05.189
If you're with someone[br]who's yearning for more touch,

0:16:05.190,0:16:10.019
more physical closeness, and more sex,[br]don't delude yourself into thinking,

0:16:10.020,0:16:13.649
"it's just sex, like scratching an itch."

0:16:13.650,0:16:19.429
Sex is a powerful way of connecting[br]and bonding with somebody you love.

0:16:19.430,0:16:24.259
And number three, when you get[br]your partner's way of connecting to you,

0:16:24.260,0:16:28.938
you don't have to fully understand it,[br]you don't have to fully agree with it,

0:16:28.939,0:16:31.839
you just have to do it.

0:16:31.840,0:16:33.539
And you want to know why?

0:16:33.540,0:16:34.769
Two reasons.

0:16:34.770,0:16:37.728
From everything I've learned[br]about relationships,

0:16:37.729,0:16:41.689
healthy relationships are based[br]on mutual caretaking.

0:16:41.690,0:16:44.549
Plus, it's an act of love.

0:16:46.009,0:16:50.719
I know that what I'm asking you[br]to do is really challenging

0:16:50.720,0:16:55.539
because I'm asking you to put[br]some one else's needs above your own.

0:16:55.540,0:17:01.369
But I truly believe that if more of us[br]took to heart the very crucial idea

0:17:01.370,0:17:04.239
that we have to[br]take better care of each other,

0:17:04.240,0:17:08.079
and that we don't have to be slaves[br]to our own emotions,

0:17:08.079,0:17:11.929
then we can make this world[br]a more loving place,

0:17:11.930,0:17:15.627
one marriage, one relationship at a time.

0:17:15.628,0:17:19.638
People tell me I'm a psychotic optimist.

0:17:19.640,0:17:24.449
But I tell them, "That's OK.[br]It's a communicable disease."

0:17:24.450,0:17:25.994
Thank you.

0:17:25.996,0:17:27.736
(Applause)