1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,009 Part 4: Questions & Expressing and Receiving Gratitude 2 00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:11,681 This morning you made a reference to giraffe mourning, 3 00:00:11,821 --> 00:00:15,230 and that there's a different way of saying you're sorry to someone, 4 00:00:15,370 --> 00:00:17,560 and I wanted to hear what that was. 5 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:21,088 - Ok. Let's real quick look at what I mean by "giraffe mourning". 6 00:00:21,228 --> 00:00:23,804 Think of something you did 7 00:00:23,928 --> 00:00:27,335 that you wished you hadn't done. 8 00:00:27,465 --> 00:00:29,432 [Laughter] 9 00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:34,840 And identify...recall as best as you can how you talked to yourself, 10 00:00:34,990 --> 00:00:38,517 when you said it or did it, whatever you did. 11 00:00:39,217 --> 00:00:44,984 So, what did you do that you wished you hadn't done after you'd done it? 12 00:00:46,041 --> 00:00:50,672 And give me a sample of what you said to yourself when you did it. 13 00:00:51,897 --> 00:00:56,226 You have one in mind? 14 00:01:00,306 --> 00:01:01,475 - Ok. 15 00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:07,015 That I was feeling defensive, and I criticized someone. 16 00:01:07,292 --> 00:01:10,230 - So, what you did is 17 00:01:10,350 --> 00:01:14,698 you said some things to another person that you wished you hadn't done. 18 00:01:14,866 --> 00:01:19,293 - Right. - Ok. And what did you say to yourself when you did that? 19 00:01:19,895 --> 00:01:23,074 - Usually, in the moment I feel defensive with myself. 20 00:01:23,205 --> 00:01:28,182 - No, I want to concretely know... for this exercise I need to know concretely 21 00:01:28,302 --> 00:01:32,409 what you say to yourself when you behave in a way you don't like. 22 00:01:32,524 --> 00:01:36,886 This is very important to answer your question about giraffe mourning, 23 00:01:37,027 --> 00:01:43,691 very important to identify what your inner educator is saying to you. 24 00:01:43,831 --> 00:01:47,422 See this? All of us have an inner educator, 25 00:01:47,562 --> 00:01:52,877 whose function is to educate us when we are less than perfect. 26 00:01:54,038 --> 00:01:58,450 Now, most of us made the mistake of sending our inner educator off 27 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:03,497 to a brutal jackal academy for inner educators. 28 00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:08,327 And so, it's important to be conscious 29 00:02:08,447 --> 00:02:12,258 of how our inner educator talks to us. So that's what I'm asking you. 30 00:02:12,418 --> 00:02:17,290 When you said what you did to your husband, what did your inner educator... 31 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,026 how did your inner educator try to educate you? 32 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,745 What did it say to you about what you had done? 33 00:02:22,885 --> 00:02:26,253 - In the moment or later? - Either one. 34 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:31,407 - Well, the point when I've start to feel regret or sorry is later. 35 00:02:31,537 --> 00:02:34,891 - At any point, what did you say to yourself about what you had done? 36 00:02:34,992 --> 00:02:37,721 - Ok. I said I'm a bad person... 37 00:02:37,821 --> 00:02:41,030 - Now, that's enough. 38 00:02:41,419 --> 00:02:46,980 Your inner educator tries to educate you through penitence. 39 00:02:47,856 --> 00:02:51,645 Through making you hate yourself for what you've done. 40 00:02:51,820 --> 00:02:56,469 It uses language that implies there's such a thing as a bad person. 41 00:02:56,583 --> 00:03:02,725 All right. Now, if you apologize out of that energy, that's jackal. 42 00:03:03,094 --> 00:03:07,645 Any apology that comes out of thinking you did something wrong 43 00:03:07,785 --> 00:03:11,686 is not going to be good for you or the other person. 44 00:03:12,568 --> 00:03:14,245 You with me so far? 45 00:03:14,345 --> 00:03:17,630 - I know it feels bad. - Yeah. It feels bad. 46 00:03:17,773 --> 00:03:20,670 And I really want you to feel bad in this situation, 47 00:03:20,820 --> 00:03:23,979 but I want you to feel sweet bad. 48 00:03:24,832 --> 00:03:29,380 A sweet bad that will help you learn from this without hating yourself. 49 00:03:30,207 --> 00:03:33,649 When you have a thought in your head that you're a bad person, that's ugly bad. 50 00:03:33,816 --> 00:03:36,287 That's a punitive bad. 51 00:03:36,413 --> 00:03:39,830 That will first make it hard to learn. 52 00:03:40,001 --> 00:03:42,434 And even if you do learn, it's out of self-hatred, 53 00:03:42,512 --> 00:03:46,413 so whatever changes you make are at great cost. 54 00:03:46,566 --> 00:03:48,673 So, that's your inner educator. 55 00:03:48,775 --> 00:03:51,026 That was your inner educator speaking to you 56 00:03:51,119 --> 00:03:53,754 when it said you're a bad person. 57 00:03:53,891 --> 00:03:56,573 Now, we've been learning today 58 00:03:56,709 --> 00:04:00,291 that all judgements are expressions of needs, right? 59 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,037 So, your inner educator means well. 60 00:04:03,133 --> 00:04:06,659 It really means well. It wants you to learn from this 61 00:04:06,787 --> 00:04:09,681 in a way that will serve life. 62 00:04:09,780 --> 00:04:14,780 It means well, it's just its language that sucks. Ok? 63 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:18,815 So we don't want to hear what the inner educator thinks about us. 64 00:04:18,946 --> 00:04:21,320 We want to hear the need that isn't getting met, 65 00:04:21,460 --> 00:04:24,695 that it's trying to call to our attention. 66 00:04:24,830 --> 00:04:28,469 So, what need is your inner educator trying to bring to your attention 67 00:04:28,609 --> 00:04:32,495 that you didn't meet by how you behaved? 68 00:04:37,871 --> 00:04:40,442 - Aaah... a need to... 69 00:04:44,104 --> 00:04:46,602 ...be in a relationship with the other person? 70 00:04:46,682 --> 00:04:49,173 - A need...in what kind of relationship? 71 00:04:49,313 --> 00:04:52,171 - A mutual understanding, respectful? - Right. 72 00:04:52,316 --> 00:04:57,730 So it didn't meet your need for respecting and understanding the other person. 73 00:04:57,845 --> 00:05:02,502 - Yeah. - And how do you feel when that need isn't met? 74 00:05:07,468 --> 00:05:11,279 - Guilty. - Then you still got the bad person image in mind. See? 75 00:05:11,408 --> 00:05:15,187 You still think you're a bad... if there's anything still going on, 76 00:05:15,329 --> 00:05:17,497 that guilt comes from the judgement. 77 00:05:17,607 --> 00:05:19,976 - Well, I feel separate and isolated. 78 00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:22,239 But how do you feel? What emotion do you feel about 79 00:05:22,342 --> 00:05:24,836 not meeting your own needs 80 00:05:24,945 --> 00:05:27,011 for understanding and respecting? 81 00:05:27,101 --> 00:05:31,032 See, the guilt comes from that image of a bad person. 82 00:05:31,148 --> 00:05:33,914 What feeling comes from not meeting your need 83 00:05:34,054 --> 00:05:38,513 to respond toward this person with respect and understanding? 84 00:05:38,646 --> 00:05:39,915 - Sad. 85 00:05:40,055 --> 00:05:42,149 - That's a sweet pain. 86 00:05:42,644 --> 00:05:45,192 That's giraffe mourning. 87 00:05:45,869 --> 00:05:47,672 So, if you say to the person 88 00:05:47,812 --> 00:05:51,259 "The way I talk to you, I feel really sad. 89 00:05:51,399 --> 00:05:56,288 It doesn't meet my need for respecting you and understanding you". 90 00:05:59,833 --> 00:06:03,192 You see? There's no image in there that I'm a bad person. 91 00:06:03,312 --> 00:06:04,981 I'm sad. 92 00:06:05,096 --> 00:06:09,612 I didn't meet my own need for respecting and understanding you. 93 00:06:10,358 --> 00:06:14,453 Check with the other person what they'd rather hear. 94 00:06:14,713 --> 00:06:17,049 Whether they'd rather hear the giraffe mourning, 95 00:06:17,187 --> 00:06:20,470 or the apology that you're a bad person. 96 00:06:23,123 --> 00:06:24,789 Yes. 97 00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:28,658 - I'm having a little problem trying to find the teeth 98 00:06:28,798 --> 00:06:31,900 in this model somehow. 99 00:06:32,030 --> 00:06:35,795 It seems like everything is... even though we're talking as on a feeling level, 100 00:06:35,906 --> 00:06:38,623 everything seems... i'm interpreting, anyway... 101 00:06:38,763 --> 00:06:43,228 is sort of on a mental level as opposed to an emotional level, 102 00:06:43,368 --> 00:06:46,253 and I guess I operate a lot from my gut, 103 00:06:46,393 --> 00:06:49,991 and I'm trying to get down to that somehow. 104 00:06:50,124 --> 00:06:52,599 So I need some help with it. 105 00:06:52,710 --> 00:06:55,302 Basically, tell me how 106 00:06:55,392 --> 00:06:59,563 I would be able to use this technique in my daily life. 107 00:07:02,728 --> 00:07:06,608 to make it not... well, so that it's natural, you know? 108 00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:08,912 It's not natural for me to operate this way. 109 00:07:08,982 --> 00:07:12,255 - The first thing I would recommend to you 110 00:07:12,355 --> 00:07:14,924 is change the word "natural" to "habitual". 111 00:07:15,428 --> 00:07:18,981 - Do what? - Change the word "natural" to "habitual". 112 00:07:19,111 --> 00:07:21,206 I think this process is natural, 113 00:07:21,386 --> 00:07:24,239 more natural than the way you were trained to think. 114 00:07:24,339 --> 00:07:27,339 So, Gandhi says "It's very dangerous to mix up the words 115 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:29,590 'natural' and 'habitual'". 116 00:07:29,730 --> 00:07:33,014 He says "We have been trained to be quite habitual at communicating 117 00:07:33,142 --> 00:07:36,096 in ways that are quite unnatural". 118 00:07:37,519 --> 00:07:41,230 So, I can't think of a more natural way to communicate 119 00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:44,038 than to talk about what's alive in us. 120 00:07:44,178 --> 00:07:46,357 Just what we're feeling and needing. 121 00:07:46,477 --> 00:07:50,005 - When you feel like saying...if I feel like saying "no", 122 00:07:50,154 --> 00:07:54,072 saying "no" seems ok to me, but what you were saying before is that... 123 00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:57,860 - What do you mean by "ok" in "It's ok to say 'no'"? 124 00:07:57,995 --> 00:08:01,453 - What do you mean by what do I mean? We could go back and forth. 125 00:08:01,617 --> 00:08:04,232 - Pardon? - We can go back and forth by asking each other... 126 00:08:04,364 --> 00:08:07,377 - Yes, so let me be more specific. 127 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:10,532 When you say "no", 128 00:08:11,159 --> 00:08:14,394 I predict that by saying "no", 129 00:08:15,209 --> 00:08:19,001 more often than you would like the other person is going to react to you 130 00:08:19,121 --> 00:08:22,282 in a way that isn't in your best interest. 131 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:29,000 But if you say the need behind the "no", that's less likely to happen. 132 00:08:29,150 --> 00:08:31,529 - So, then, if I understand what you're saying, 133 00:08:31,669 --> 00:08:35,791 you're trying to...the idea is to communicate in a way that 134 00:08:35,941 --> 00:08:38,173 the other person would communicate back to you, 135 00:08:38,313 --> 00:08:40,730 so that it's in my best interest? 136 00:08:40,841 --> 00:08:45,321 - I'm saying the purpose of this process is to get everybody's needs met, 137 00:08:45,461 --> 00:08:48,363 and that the needs are met by people giving willingly, 138 00:08:48,503 --> 00:08:51,697 not out of any coercive motivation. 139 00:08:52,426 --> 00:08:55,859 And I'm saying that when you say "no", it gets in the way of 140 00:08:55,971 --> 00:09:01,072 the likelihood that everybody's needs are going to end up getting met. 141 00:09:02,136 --> 00:09:05,540 If you say the need that keeps you from saying "yes", 142 00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:10,871 I predict there's more likelihood that everybody's needs will end up getting met. 143 00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:16,587 - If I understand what you're saying, 144 00:09:16,697 --> 00:09:20,405 you're saying: "Just express your needs without saying the 'no'." 145 00:09:20,515 --> 00:09:26,340 - I'm saying the need is a clearer expression of what you're trying to say than "no". 146 00:09:27,616 --> 00:09:29,879 You get clearer and more connected to life 147 00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,716 when you say the need that keeps you from saying "yes" 148 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,862 than just saying "no". 149 00:09:35,058 --> 00:09:38,499 And it's less likely to be interpreted as a rejection, 150 00:09:38,639 --> 00:09:41,029 as you being defensive... 151 00:09:41,653 --> 00:09:44,412 To just say the "no" by itself, I predict 152 00:09:44,543 --> 00:09:48,669 is more likely to get you interpretations that aren't in your best interest. 153 00:09:48,769 --> 00:09:51,570 - Sometimes when I don't hear a "no" 154 00:09:51,685 --> 00:09:55,309 I look at it as being sort of a passive aggressive response 155 00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:59,086 to something that I might want. 156 00:09:59,659 --> 00:10:03,600 Someone... for example if I make an appointment with somebody 157 00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:06,590 and instead of them saying "no", they just don't show up. 158 00:10:06,715 --> 00:10:09,253 And then they give me a reason why they don't show up. 159 00:10:09,351 --> 00:10:12,979 - Yes. I'm not suggesting that. I'm not suggesting that response. 160 00:10:13,119 --> 00:10:16,227 I'm suggesting that I would have liked that person 161 00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:19,949 to have told you honestly at the time what their need was. 162 00:10:20,030 --> 00:10:24,483 I think if they had done that you wouldn't have gotten into that situation. 163 00:10:26,005 --> 00:10:28,214 They said a "yes" that wasn't so. 164 00:10:28,354 --> 00:10:31,859 - Some people won't say "I'm afraid". - Pardon me? 165 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,487 - Let's say if the reason is that they are afraid to. 166 00:10:34,597 --> 00:10:37,808 - That would depend a lot on what has happened in the past to them 167 00:10:37,918 --> 00:10:42,066 when they have said "no" in whatever way they did it. 168 00:10:43,213 --> 00:10:48,710 If they have not enjoyed very empathic responses to it in the past, 169 00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:52,481 then they're probably afraid to be honest about it now. 170 00:10:52,762 --> 00:10:55,846 - I see the value in all this. I really do. 171 00:10:55,996 --> 00:10:59,259 I guess it's the idea that it's a touchy-feely type of thing 172 00:10:59,385 --> 00:11:01,457 that I'm not used to working around. 173 00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:03,568 - What you're trying to figure out, if I'm understanding, 174 00:11:03,688 --> 00:11:05,926 is how to really put this into a 175 00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:09,037 idiom that you can use daily and feels comfortable to you. 176 00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:11,738 - That's one way of putting it. 177 00:11:11,873 --> 00:11:13,413 - And so, in our training, 178 00:11:13,476 --> 00:11:17,227 we first show people how to develop the literacy 179 00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:23,047 and then how to put it into their regular language. 180 00:11:23,677 --> 00:11:26,353 I had a student traveling with me, 181 00:11:26,483 --> 00:11:30,993 and he wanted to give me gratitude. Ok? 182 00:11:31,089 --> 00:11:35,164 He liked something I did. I was really working the group hard. 183 00:11:35,304 --> 00:11:38,911 And during the break, he said "dictator". 184 00:11:39,969 --> 00:11:42,051 That was giraffe, 185 00:11:43,039 --> 00:11:47,185 because he knew that I knew what he was reacting to. 186 00:11:47,365 --> 00:11:49,141 He knew i wouldn't hear a judgement. 187 00:11:49,271 --> 00:11:52,621 He knew that I would guess in there what he was feeling and needing. 188 00:11:52,735 --> 00:11:55,711 So he could say that to me: "Dictator!" 189 00:11:55,874 --> 00:11:58,474 So, after we really know how to clearly identify 190 00:11:58,614 --> 00:12:00,926 our feelings, needs, requests, 191 00:12:01,046 --> 00:12:03,437 then we can start to put it into a language 192 00:12:03,577 --> 00:12:06,781 that can connect us with people we're speaking with. 193 00:12:06,887 --> 00:12:10,066 But in this stage of the day, after one day, 194 00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:12,909 I'm still working with you on making sure you understand 195 00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:16,529 what a feeling and a need is, because if you don't really understand that, 196 00:12:16,639 --> 00:12:20,027 it's going to be hard to know how to then put it into your idiom. 197 00:12:20,127 --> 00:12:23,167 - I guess I'm a recovering New York jackal. 198 00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:25,817 [Laughter] 199 00:12:26,207 --> 00:12:29,108 I'm getting the impression that 200 00:12:29,245 --> 00:12:31,791 apology isn't really 201 00:12:32,746 --> 00:12:35,452 the best service of being a giraffe. 202 00:12:35,562 --> 00:12:37,875 I'd like to know if you could model... 203 00:12:38,006 --> 00:12:40,999 I'd like to see you model for me 204 00:12:41,109 --> 00:12:45,067 an acknowledgement of missing the mark, 205 00:12:45,187 --> 00:12:46,664 sinning courageously... 206 00:12:46,804 --> 00:12:49,223 - If you recall earlier, 207 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:53,110 I showed an example of that where I showed the person saying 208 00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,427 "I feel sad. I would've liked 209 00:12:55,537 --> 00:12:58,998 to have responded with more understanding than I did". 210 00:12:59,128 --> 00:13:01,918 - So you're not using the words "I'm sorry". You're saying "I'm sad". 211 00:13:02,058 --> 00:13:04,143 It's not so much the words "I'm sorry". 212 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:07,688 What we shifted from was thinking that I did something wrong 213 00:13:07,818 --> 00:13:11,402 that it was bad. It's that thinking that is the problem, 214 00:13:11,552 --> 00:13:14,758 and the "I'm sorry" follows from that thinking. 215 00:13:14,885 --> 00:13:18,847 So it's not just that I don't say "I'm sorry", I say "I'm sad", if I'm sad. 216 00:13:18,953 --> 00:13:21,234 The words "I'm sorry" mean almost nothing. 217 00:13:21,356 --> 00:13:24,870 People can say that and not feel anything. 218 00:13:24,967 --> 00:13:28,695 You say that to buy forgiveness. 219 00:13:28,835 --> 00:13:33,674 So, if I'm feeling sad, I say that. "I'm feeling sad. I would have liked to 220 00:13:33,782 --> 00:13:36,409 have been more aware of your needs" for example 221 00:13:36,491 --> 00:13:39,291 where I didn't take the person's needs into consideration. 222 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:43,424 But I don't say "I'm sorry, that was inconsiderate of me". 223 00:13:43,550 --> 00:13:46,895 There's no self-blame. I didn't do anything wrong. 224 00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:50,654 There is no such thing as doing anything wrong. 225 00:13:50,768 --> 00:13:55,474 What I did was not in harmony with my needs. I want to mourn that. 226 00:13:55,606 --> 00:13:58,922 "I'm sad. I would've liked to have been more aware of your needs". 227 00:13:59,022 --> 00:14:03,198 - Something like that. Does that give you the example? - Very much so. Thank you. 228 00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:07,405 - I have a question. Over here. To your left. 229 00:14:09,982 --> 00:14:13,397 I have a situation with my intimate partner 230 00:14:13,537 --> 00:14:17,283 that many times we get together and we argue a lot, 231 00:14:17,431 --> 00:14:20,697 and I have this need 232 00:14:21,942 --> 00:14:24,363 that you were saying earlier is inappropriate: 233 00:14:24,493 --> 00:14:26,597 I want her to be happy. 234 00:14:26,727 --> 00:14:29,774 - I didn't say it's inappropriate. I said it was undoable. 235 00:14:29,914 --> 00:14:33,834 - OK. Right. That's what she keeps telling me. 236 00:14:36,823 --> 00:14:41,597 - If you're going to tell me to be happy, tell me the action to get there. 237 00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,851 That I can do. If you tell me an action 238 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:47,907 which you predict that if I do that, I'll be happy at the end, 239 00:14:48,023 --> 00:14:51,494 that would be helpful. Tell me the action. Don't just tell me to be happy. 240 00:14:51,634 --> 00:14:54,236 Don't tell me to have confidence in myself. 241 00:14:54,344 --> 00:14:58,079 Tell me what you would like me to do to feel that confidence. 242 00:14:58,203 --> 00:15:01,344 The action will get me there, but just telling me what to feel 243 00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,690 puts me into a paradoxical bind. 244 00:15:04,993 --> 00:15:06,500 - Ok. 245 00:15:07,458 --> 00:15:10,291 One of the other things would be that 246 00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:15,286 when we get together, I don't necessarily want to be 247 00:15:15,447 --> 00:15:19,475 going somewhere with her, if she's not in a good mood at that time 248 00:15:19,605 --> 00:15:21,775 or if there's some kind of tenseness... 249 00:15:21,905 --> 00:15:26,721 - Then empathize with why I'm not in a good mood and I'll be in one. 250 00:15:27,057 --> 00:15:29,629 But telling me that I got to be in a better mood 251 00:15:29,769 --> 00:15:33,804 for you to want to go with me gets me in a worse mood. 252 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:37,904 - Ok. 253 00:15:42,551 --> 00:15:46,151 - I'm wondering if there are some times when... 254 00:15:46,291 --> 00:15:48,510 Over here. 255 00:15:48,893 --> 00:15:54,332 I'm feeling some anxiety about a trip I'm planning to visit my mother soon 256 00:15:54,472 --> 00:15:58,101 and we have a dynamic where she really wants to help me 257 00:15:58,256 --> 00:16:01,893 figure out every detail of what I'm doing during my stay, 258 00:16:01,993 --> 00:16:05,553 and I'd like to be left alone. - So, let me show you how to do it. 259 00:16:05,693 --> 00:16:08,484 - And I'm afraid that if I talk to her like this, 260 00:16:08,624 --> 00:16:11,657 it's going to make matters much worse. - Ok. Then we'll teach you how... 261 00:16:11,806 --> 00:16:15,451 If it does, we'll show you how to enjoy it when it gets worse. 262 00:16:17,348 --> 00:16:20,392 But first, let me show you the first thing to do 263 00:16:20,470 --> 00:16:25,243 if we want a person to consider another behaviour than the one they're doing, 264 00:16:25,403 --> 00:16:27,891 start the communication by showing them that 265 00:16:28,038 --> 00:16:32,136 what they're doing is the most precious thing they could be doing. 266 00:16:32,785 --> 00:16:35,196 This way: empathy. 267 00:16:35,336 --> 00:16:40,271 Start by empathizing with mother's intent in behaving as she does. 268 00:16:40,435 --> 00:16:43,513 "Mother, I'm guessing that when you jump in and want to 269 00:16:43,633 --> 00:16:46,102 show me all the things that could be done, 270 00:16:46,231 --> 00:16:49,272 you really care a lot about my enjoying myself on this trip 271 00:16:49,382 --> 00:16:51,347 and want to be sure you support that. 272 00:16:51,487 --> 00:16:53,439 - Oh, yes, yes, blá, blá... 273 00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:57,476 - Yeah, so, it's really very important to you that 274 00:16:57,576 --> 00:17:00,651 I have a good time and you want to contribute to it. 275 00:17:00,765 --> 00:17:02,272 - Yeah." 276 00:17:02,961 --> 00:17:04,549 That's step one. See what I mean? 277 00:17:04,639 --> 00:17:08,546 That's what I mean by starting by showing you understand. 278 00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,174 Now, the more we're concerned about that behaviour, 279 00:17:11,252 --> 00:17:14,457 the more important it is to start with this. 280 00:17:14,573 --> 00:17:16,584 See? That's why when I work in prisons, 281 00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:20,235 and this person has been sexualy molesting people, or raping people, 282 00:17:20,345 --> 00:17:24,610 if I would like this person to find another way of behaving, 283 00:17:24,730 --> 00:17:29,076 the first thing I got to do is make sure they don't hate themselves for what they're doing. 284 00:17:29,170 --> 00:17:33,869 The more they hate themselves for what they're doing, the more they'll continue doing it. 285 00:17:33,988 --> 00:17:38,468 So I start by empathizing with what their needs are, in doing it. 286 00:17:39,273 --> 00:17:42,714 Ok. So, you got that step. The next step... 287 00:17:42,894 --> 00:17:46,528 What we started off the day with... I'd tell honestly how I feel. 288 00:17:46,689 --> 00:17:51,171 "Mom, I feel torn right now because I'm grateful for your intent. 289 00:17:51,319 --> 00:17:54,982 But... I really have a need to kind of make my own choices here, 290 00:17:55,122 --> 00:17:58,503 because I think it would be very hard for anybody else to really know what I need 291 00:17:58,633 --> 00:18:01,574 and I need this space to figure it out for myself. 292 00:18:01,757 --> 00:18:04,457 So, would you tell me what you heard me say, mother, 293 00:18:04,571 --> 00:18:07,849 so I can see if I'm making myself clear?" 294 00:18:09,549 --> 00:18:12,487 [Laughter] 295 00:18:16,627 --> 00:18:19,315 So now I know mother didn't hear me. 296 00:18:19,475 --> 00:18:22,129 Now I know mother didn't hear my needs. 297 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,804 She probably heard a rejection. 298 00:18:24,997 --> 00:18:27,936 She probably heard that she's not valued. 299 00:18:28,079 --> 00:18:33,665 But it's important that I not think that her reaction is because of what I said. 300 00:18:34,284 --> 00:18:36,757 If I express my feelings and needs, 301 00:18:36,887 --> 00:18:40,334 it would be impossible for a person to react this way, if they heard it. 302 00:18:40,444 --> 00:18:42,410 They would've gotten a gift. 303 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:47,290 They would have the eyes of a little child getting a gift from Santa Claus. 304 00:18:47,420 --> 00:18:50,826 That doesn't look like what mother's looking like right now. 305 00:18:50,926 --> 00:18:54,666 "So, mom, could you tell me what you just heard me say? 306 00:18:54,797 --> 00:18:56,910 - You don't want me. 307 00:18:58,288 --> 00:19:01,019 - So, you heard it as a kind of a rejection, mother? 308 00:19:01,133 --> 00:19:03,791 - Of course. How else could I have heard it? 309 00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:07,918 - Well, thank you for telling me you heard it as a rejection, mother." 310 00:19:08,008 --> 00:19:11,779 Notice I didn't say "that isn't what I said". 311 00:19:12,449 --> 00:19:13,620 See? 312 00:19:13,780 --> 00:19:17,373 If you want to have people understand you differently, 313 00:19:17,513 --> 00:19:20,924 never tell them "you're misunderstanding me". 314 00:19:21,554 --> 00:19:24,336 Never say "That isn't what I said". 315 00:19:24,632 --> 00:19:27,920 Say "Thank you for telling me that's what you heard. 316 00:19:28,093 --> 00:19:32,251 I can see I didn't make myself clear. I'd like to try again, mother, 317 00:19:32,562 --> 00:19:35,560 because I do value very much, your offering to help, 318 00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:40,791 but I have a need to kind of get my own needs clear and structure my own time. 319 00:19:40,981 --> 00:19:44,372 Can you tell me what you heard me say? 320 00:19:45,124 --> 00:19:49,272 - So you think I don't have any intelligence about helping you. 321 00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:52,444 - Thank you for telling me that's what you're hearing, mother. 322 00:19:52,563 --> 00:19:54,913 I'd like for you to hear it differently. 323 00:19:55,012 --> 00:19:57,255 I'd like you just to hear my needs. 324 00:19:57,395 --> 00:20:02,370 That I have a real need to kind of sort things out for myself, and structure my own time. 325 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,405 Could you tell me what you heard? 326 00:20:06,827 --> 00:20:11,719 - You have a need to kind of get clear for yourself what you want and to figure things out. 327 00:20:11,819 --> 00:20:13,392 - Thank you mother." 328 00:20:13,492 --> 00:20:16,552 See how easy it is to get empathy from a jackal? Just about 329 00:20:16,685 --> 00:20:19,998 3 ear pulls, and I got it. Right? 330 00:20:22,155 --> 00:20:25,722 Now, there are some 8-pull jackals, too, I know that. 331 00:20:25,861 --> 00:20:30,328 But I can tell from how sweet you are your mother is a 3-pull jackal. 332 00:20:30,642 --> 00:20:31,821 - Thank you. 333 00:20:31,921 --> 00:20:36,190 [Laughter] 334 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,651 - Yes... 335 00:20:39,897 --> 00:20:43,484 - You mentioned earlier this morning about enjoying suffering. 336 00:20:43,624 --> 00:20:45,403 Could you elaborate on that? 337 00:20:45,543 --> 00:20:49,083 - Oh yes. That's very important. Thank you for getting back to me about it. 338 00:20:49,216 --> 00:20:52,765 Ok. A friend of yours says this to you: 339 00:20:54,703 --> 00:20:57,718 "I'm a nothing. 340 00:20:58,818 --> 00:21:03,832 I'll never amount to anything. Look, I'm an assistant clerk at age 45. 341 00:21:04,779 --> 00:21:07,388 My brother's the head of his company, 342 00:21:07,528 --> 00:21:10,002 my sister's a top attorney, 343 00:21:10,592 --> 00:21:12,605 and I'm nothing." 344 00:21:12,745 --> 00:21:14,611 Ok? 345 00:21:15,438 --> 00:21:17,671 Now, to enjoy this person's suffering, 346 00:21:17,811 --> 00:21:22,601 we have to release ourselves from 2 kinds of responsibility. 347 00:21:23,317 --> 00:21:26,826 First, that we didn't cause the pain. 348 00:21:27,361 --> 00:21:29,778 And we want to release ourselves from that, 349 00:21:29,908 --> 00:21:33,852 especially when the other person's trying to make us believe we did cause the pain. 350 00:21:33,972 --> 00:21:38,926 So if this person had started "and you're at fault for all of this why I'm a nothing." 351 00:21:39,066 --> 00:21:41,127 Especially when a person says that, 352 00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:44,937 we do not want to in any way think that we caused this person's pain, 353 00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:49,307 because you can't cause another person's psychological pain. 354 00:21:50,380 --> 00:21:54,560 Well, in this case, the person wasn't saying that so that's pretty easy to 355 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,959 liberate ourself from feeling responsible, 356 00:21:57,068 --> 00:22:00,406 but the second one is the hard one. 357 00:22:01,469 --> 00:22:03,667 To think we have to fix it. 358 00:22:03,807 --> 00:22:06,431 To make the person feel better. 359 00:22:06,539 --> 00:22:10,360 The more we think it's our job to make a person feel better, 360 00:22:10,510 --> 00:22:13,376 the more we're going to make it worse. 361 00:22:13,509 --> 00:22:16,114 Because you can't fix people. 362 00:22:16,685 --> 00:22:18,915 The good news is you don't have to. 363 00:22:19,053 --> 00:22:24,009 There is a very powerful healing energy always available 364 00:22:24,304 --> 00:22:27,925 if we don't block it. And how do we block that energy? 365 00:22:28,071 --> 00:22:31,104 By trying to fix things ourselves. 366 00:22:32,541 --> 00:22:35,764 So, how do we help that energy to do the job? 367 00:22:35,914 --> 00:22:38,084 By empathy. 368 00:22:38,287 --> 00:22:42,580 Empathy requires presence, just to be present. 369 00:22:42,727 --> 00:22:46,958 When we are just present, when we are remembering the Buddha's advice 370 00:22:47,068 --> 00:22:50,514 "don't do something. Stand there." 371 00:22:51,918 --> 00:22:56,453 When we do that, and that energy works through us, 372 00:22:56,603 --> 00:23:01,828 there is a precious connection between that person and us. 373 00:23:02,604 --> 00:23:05,736 And that precious connection is what i mean by enjoying the pain, 374 00:23:05,876 --> 00:23:08,501 to enjoy that precious connection. 375 00:23:08,641 --> 00:23:13,022 And whether this person's feeling joy or pain, 376 00:23:13,162 --> 00:23:16,262 if we are present there with them, 377 00:23:16,502 --> 00:23:18,686 that's what I mean. 378 00:23:19,311 --> 00:23:24,917 But we block that beautiful energy whenever we step in and think we have to fix things. 379 00:23:25,057 --> 00:23:29,877 So, if we say "there, there, there. You'll feel better. You'll get over it" we make it worse. 380 00:23:30,017 --> 00:23:34,057 When we start to give advice, we make it worse. 381 00:23:34,189 --> 00:23:36,678 So, what does that look like? 382 00:23:36,781 --> 00:23:40,712 "So, you're feeling really discouraged and really would like 383 00:23:40,852 --> 00:23:43,722 to have achieved more in your life at this moment than you've done. 384 00:23:43,862 --> 00:23:46,849 - Yes, yes, I've had every opportunity, and look at me. 385 00:23:46,949 --> 00:23:50,280 I've just never made use of anything. 386 00:23:50,469 --> 00:23:53,814 - Yeah, so you're really discouraged and frustrated, and 387 00:23:53,924 --> 00:23:58,189 would really liked to have made different use of some things than you have. 388 00:23:58,368 --> 00:23:59,495 - Yeah." 389 00:23:59,605 --> 00:24:01,849 See, I'm just present. 390 00:24:01,979 --> 00:24:03,838 I'm not trying to fix it. 391 00:24:03,978 --> 00:24:07,312 And when that happens, there's a very precious connection. 392 00:24:07,452 --> 00:24:09,839 That's what I mean by enjoyment. 393 00:24:09,979 --> 00:24:12,180 And that precious connection does the healing. 394 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:15,214 Not your advice, not your whatever. 395 00:24:15,384 --> 00:24:17,191 Yes... 396 00:24:17,362 --> 00:24:21,551 - Can you clarify the distinction between empathizing, 397 00:24:21,661 --> 00:24:26,085 and sort of encouraging and supporting the soap opera of, 398 00:24:26,235 --> 00:24:29,694 you know, somebody who is... 399 00:24:31,716 --> 00:24:35,589 somebody who's suffering, and sometimes by being there, 400 00:24:35,723 --> 00:24:40,250 it's sort of a subtle encouragement, as opposed to... 401 00:24:41,232 --> 00:24:44,420 - The subtle encouragement that I think you're talking about 402 00:24:44,530 --> 00:24:47,982 comes about when this person is talking about what happened to them, 403 00:24:48,091 --> 00:24:51,014 for the 50th time you've heard the story. 404 00:24:51,162 --> 00:24:53,431 So, if I'm really listening to them, 405 00:24:53,581 --> 00:24:56,233 I don't hear what they talk about the past, 406 00:24:56,373 --> 00:24:58,745 because I know that the more they talk about the past, 407 00:24:58,885 --> 00:25:01,678 the less healing will take place. 408 00:25:01,797 --> 00:25:03,899 So I interrupt. 409 00:25:04,018 --> 00:25:07,832 But I interrupt to bring the conversation to life. 410 00:25:07,955 --> 00:25:10,433 They're talking about the past, and I interrupt and I say 411 00:25:10,563 --> 00:25:14,712 "excuse me, but it sounds like right now you're still feeling hurt, 412 00:25:14,822 --> 00:25:19,262 because your need for respect wasn't met in that". 413 00:25:19,361 --> 00:25:22,261 See? Because just letting them talk about the past 414 00:25:22,401 --> 00:25:25,772 and asking them questions about what happened about the past 415 00:25:25,912 --> 00:25:28,417 is to just keep the soap opera going. 416 00:25:28,557 --> 00:25:30,947 So I interrupt when they talk about the past 417 00:25:31,056 --> 00:25:34,626 because we don't heal by talking about the past. 418 00:25:34,745 --> 00:25:37,972 we heal by talking about what's alive in us right now, 419 00:25:38,050 --> 00:25:42,386 stimulated by the past, but it's what is here now 420 00:25:42,573 --> 00:25:46,380 and when I connect at that level they won't keep talking about it. 421 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,357 They'll heal. 422 00:25:49,233 --> 00:25:52,191 Last question and then I'm going to get into 423 00:25:52,331 --> 00:25:56,352 the subject that I'd like to cover before the end. Yes? 424 00:26:00,178 --> 00:26:04,145 - You talk about having... let's see... 425 00:26:04,395 --> 00:26:07,928 if someone else cannot cause our emotional pain... 426 00:26:08,068 --> 00:26:11,119 - That's right. - ...and I think about 427 00:26:11,790 --> 00:26:16,665 the abuse that I grew up with and that I see in a lot of families 428 00:26:17,005 --> 00:26:20,948 and the suffering that I've experienced throughout my life, 429 00:26:21,041 --> 00:26:23,191 through my recovery and all that,... 430 00:26:23,331 --> 00:26:26,674 - And other people were a stimulus for your suffering 431 00:26:26,801 --> 00:26:30,758 and you were a participant by how you dealt with it. 432 00:26:31,136 --> 00:26:36,379 For example, if you follow me in my work you would see this very clearly. 433 00:26:38,126 --> 00:26:41,824 In places like Rwanda, Burundi, Sierra Leone, 434 00:26:41,952 --> 00:26:45,153 I'm working with people that had their families killed. 435 00:26:45,269 --> 00:26:48,204 Some of those people have such rage 436 00:26:48,324 --> 00:26:53,251 that all they live for, moment by moment is the possibility of vengeance. 437 00:26:53,850 --> 00:26:56,477 Others have no anger, have never had anger. 438 00:26:56,577 --> 00:26:58,623 Same exact stimulus. 439 00:26:58,763 --> 00:27:02,479 They have deep feelings, but not rage. 440 00:27:02,594 --> 00:27:06,919 So it is not the stimulus that determines how our emocional reaction is. 441 00:27:07,109 --> 00:27:09,237 That part is up to us. 442 00:27:10,556 --> 00:27:16,755 I work with some women, unfortunately a lot, who have been raped. 443 00:27:17,713 --> 00:27:21,809 And some of them feel shame, deep shame, 444 00:27:22,111 --> 00:27:26,535 some feel rage, some feel other things. 445 00:27:26,679 --> 00:27:29,808 So the same stimulus 446 00:27:30,103 --> 00:27:35,554 depends how people take it whether they feel shame, rage or other things. 447 00:27:35,875 --> 00:27:39,272 I'm working with a women from Rwanda who had... 448 00:27:39,381 --> 00:27:42,210 she heard her three children being killed because she got 449 00:27:42,330 --> 00:27:45,504 to underneath the sink, hid underneath the sink in time, 450 00:27:45,644 --> 00:27:49,094 the children didn't make it to the hiding place in time, they got killed, she heard them, 451 00:27:49,204 --> 00:27:52,242 she heard her husband being killed and her brother. 452 00:27:52,382 --> 00:27:55,171 She had to stay underneath there 11 days to save her own life 453 00:27:55,311 --> 00:27:58,202 because they stayed in the house after they killed the family. 454 00:27:59,645 --> 00:28:02,406 This woman has deep feelings, 455 00:28:02,546 --> 00:28:06,617 but never once she had the kind of anger that makes her want to get vengeance. 456 00:28:06,757 --> 00:28:10,408 She has put all of her feelings and lots of them into protecting... 457 00:28:10,558 --> 00:28:14,257 preventing this happening to anybody else. You see? 458 00:28:14,379 --> 00:28:17,515 So the way she looked at it leads her to want to 459 00:28:17,635 --> 00:28:21,346 prevent this happening to anybody else. She came to my workshop 460 00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:24,205 because she wanted to know how to deal with the rage towards her 461 00:28:24,345 --> 00:28:28,514 from other people in her tribe who are furious with her 462 00:28:28,654 --> 00:28:33,420 that she won't join their efforts to kill the other people. 463 00:28:33,590 --> 00:28:37,424 Same stimulus, quite different reactions. 464 00:28:37,544 --> 00:28:39,847 - Ok, so I had this stimulus 465 00:28:39,945 --> 00:28:42,585 and somewhere I learned how to deal with it 466 00:28:42,698 --> 00:28:45,875 in the way that I had dealt with it and I'm learning to change that now. 467 00:28:45,978 --> 00:28:49,843 - Yes. The worst thing of course would be no matter how you did choose to deal with it 468 00:28:49,943 --> 00:28:53,365 is to think that there is something wrong with how you chose to deal with it. 469 00:28:53,505 --> 00:28:57,236 I'm not wanting us to get into one way is right or wrong, I'm just saying that 470 00:28:57,376 --> 00:28:59,572 no matter what happens to us, 471 00:28:59,712 --> 00:29:01,962 the other person is responsible for what they did, 472 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,222 I'm not saying that the other person doesn't have responsability. 473 00:29:04,302 --> 00:29:06,019 - That's my question about accountability. 474 00:29:06,097 --> 00:29:09,949 - That person is responsible for what they did and why they did it. 475 00:29:10,089 --> 00:29:14,433 We are responsible for how we deal with that. 476 00:29:19,158 --> 00:29:20,805 OK? 477 00:29:21,611 --> 00:29:25,915 I'm just wondering how a child becomes responsible... I mean still... 478 00:29:26,025 --> 00:29:30,384 The first thing I do is, I wouldn't want to teach the child the lesson I just tought you 479 00:29:30,494 --> 00:29:33,770 until I had given that child all the empathy that child needed 480 00:29:33,863 --> 00:29:35,960 and I would guess it would be a lot. 481 00:29:36,050 --> 00:29:39,001 So I can see myself dealing with a long time 482 00:29:39,094 --> 00:29:43,527 of hearing this childs enormous pain as a result of this. 483 00:29:44,493 --> 00:29:48,541 But then in the course of this I would be seeing this child 484 00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:52,412 having some pain created by how they looked at it. 485 00:29:52,543 --> 00:29:57,307 So I would see that they're creating pain on top of pain, 486 00:29:57,420 --> 00:29:59,934 by how they looked at it 487 00:30:00,043 --> 00:30:04,687 so, after the child had all the empathy he or she needed 488 00:30:04,817 --> 00:30:07,621 then I would do what I could to get them to see it 489 00:30:07,761 --> 00:30:12,562 in a way that wouldn't create unnecessary pain for themselves. 490 00:30:17,752 --> 00:30:20,489 This is a baby jackal yes. 491 00:30:23,431 --> 00:30:27,083 OK, now what I would like to do in the precious time that we have left 492 00:30:27,223 --> 00:30:31,171 is to deal with a very important part of giraffe, because I wouldn't want you to 493 00:30:31,311 --> 00:30:33,978 get the idea that Non Violent Communication 494 00:30:34,056 --> 00:30:37,480 is solely interested in conflict resolution, 495 00:30:37,620 --> 00:30:41,107 because it's equally interested in celebration. 496 00:30:41,227 --> 00:30:43,008 How could we celebrate life 497 00:30:43,148 --> 00:30:47,189 in fact, the part that I have left for ten minutes before the end 498 00:30:47,329 --> 00:30:51,901 is in some respects the most important part because it's where we get the fuel 499 00:30:52,071 --> 00:30:54,156 to stay giraffe 500 00:30:54,612 --> 00:30:57,837 in a what's often a very jackalish world. 501 00:30:57,975 --> 00:31:02,177 So it's going to be pretty hard to make this radical transformation into 502 00:31:02,287 --> 00:31:04,502 back to our nature 503 00:31:05,885 --> 00:31:10,466 in many situations unless we are getting plenty of fuel. 504 00:31:10,836 --> 00:31:12,910 Now where does the fuel come from? 505 00:31:13,050 --> 00:31:16,070 The fuel comes from celebration. 506 00:31:16,726 --> 00:31:18,424 And what kind of celebration? 507 00:31:18,564 --> 00:31:22,435 It comes from saying thank you in giraffe. 508 00:31:22,575 --> 00:31:26,385 So let's see now, in the last minutes, how we celebrate 509 00:31:26,525 --> 00:31:28,287 by saying thank you in giraffe. 510 00:31:28,427 --> 00:31:31,347 Expressing gratitude in giraffe. 511 00:31:32,703 --> 00:31:38,049 And first I would like to remind you of how jackals say thank you. 512 00:31:38,172 --> 00:31:41,421 "You did a good job on that paper." 513 00:31:41,783 --> 00:31:44,666 "You are a very kind person." 514 00:31:45,689 --> 00:31:48,198 "You are a good dancer." 515 00:31:48,574 --> 00:31:51,579 Can you see why that's jackal? 516 00:31:52,481 --> 00:31:54,562 Moralistic judgements. 517 00:31:54,702 --> 00:31:58,844 Positive moralistic judgements are equally 518 00:31:58,984 --> 00:32:02,359 as violent in my estimations as negative ones. 519 00:32:02,442 --> 00:32:07,741 Namely they reinforce the idea that the negative exist. If I say you're a kind person, 520 00:32:07,881 --> 00:32:11,196 I'm implying there's such a thing as an unkind person. 521 00:32:11,312 --> 00:32:15,815 I'm also implying that I'm the judge that knows the difference. 522 00:32:16,227 --> 00:32:21,231 So no more praise or compliments, OK? No more praise or compliments. 523 00:32:21,371 --> 00:32:24,290 Especially when you intend them as a reward. 524 00:32:24,430 --> 00:32:29,743 That's the ultimate dehumanization, to use thank you as a reward. 525 00:32:29,883 --> 00:32:32,605 To say it for the purpose of trying to reinforce someting, 526 00:32:32,745 --> 00:32:36,221 To get the person to continue doing it. 527 00:32:36,338 --> 00:32:41,246 It's like sending a... what goes on at a dog obedience school? 528 00:32:41,383 --> 00:32:43,919 Punishment and rewards. 529 00:32:44,059 --> 00:32:47,934 Giving a compliment or praise for the purpose of reinforcement 530 00:32:48,043 --> 00:32:52,514 is giving the dog a... something to eat to reinforce it for something. 531 00:32:52,654 --> 00:32:55,211 People are not for that treatment. 532 00:32:55,324 --> 00:32:58,996 And it destroys the beauty of thank you, 533 00:32:59,659 --> 00:33:01,388 when people have to wonder: 534 00:33:01,528 --> 00:33:04,754 "Is this being said out of that energy?" 535 00:33:04,866 --> 00:33:06,514 "- But it works! 536 00:33:06,654 --> 00:33:08,301 - What does, jackal? 537 00:33:08,441 --> 00:33:11,865 - Studies in management indicate that if managers 538 00:33:12,005 --> 00:33:16,587 praise and compliment employees daily, product goes up. 539 00:33:16,710 --> 00:33:18,869 Studies in school show that if teachers 540 00:33:19,009 --> 00:33:23,950 praise and compliment students daily they work harder. 541 00:33:24,051 --> 00:33:26,407 - Jackal take another look at the research. 542 00:33:26,547 --> 00:33:30,625 I think you'll see that that only works for a very short time, 543 00:33:30,765 --> 00:33:34,215 until people see the manipulation. 544 00:33:34,332 --> 00:33:36,612 And then it no longer works. 545 00:33:36,736 --> 00:33:38,972 And it destroys the beauty of thank you 546 00:33:39,065 --> 00:33:43,274 because now you can not even trust gratitude 547 00:33:43,405 --> 00:33:49,354 without wondering whether it's being used as reinforcement, as a reward. 548 00:33:49,498 --> 00:33:54,416 - Well what if I want to build up the other person's self-esteem, what's wrong with that? 549 00:33:54,556 --> 00:33:56,742 - So you... jackal you don't see the irony of that? 550 00:33:56,882 --> 00:33:58,535 - What? 551 00:33:58,634 --> 00:34:03,431 - If the other person can only like themself when you compliment them, they have no self-esteem. 552 00:34:03,571 --> 00:34:07,497 You've just addicted them to your rewards. 553 00:34:07,798 --> 00:34:14,265 That they only feel good when you say something about them. They have no self-esteem." 554 00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:16,176 OK. 555 00:34:16,475 --> 00:34:20,902 How does a giraffe say "thank you"? Or gratitude? 556 00:34:21,042 --> 00:34:24,686 First, there are three things that are involved in a giraffe expression of 557 00:34:24,826 --> 00:34:29,460 gratitude that give us energy to keep being a giraffe. 558 00:34:29,792 --> 00:34:31,987 The first thing in a giraffe expression of gratitude 559 00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:36,059 is we bring to this other person's attention concretely 560 00:34:36,199 --> 00:34:41,116 what they have done that has made life more wonderful for us. 561 00:34:41,269 --> 00:34:44,253 See, that's what we need to do, daily. 562 00:34:44,393 --> 00:34:47,899 We need to bring our consciousness and attention 563 00:34:48,039 --> 00:34:51,415 to the power that each one of us has 564 00:34:51,555 --> 00:34:54,360 to make life more wonderful. 565 00:34:55,355 --> 00:34:58,278 Each of us is a powerhouse. 566 00:34:59,657 --> 00:35:01,489 We have words 567 00:35:02,446 --> 00:35:08,750 that have the power to contribute to making people's lives more wonderful. 568 00:35:08,844 --> 00:35:12,150 We have touch, we can touch people in ways 569 00:35:12,290 --> 00:35:15,442 that can make life more wonderful. 570 00:35:15,558 --> 00:35:18,903 We can provide services for people. 571 00:35:19,256 --> 00:35:21,488 We are powerhouses. 572 00:35:21,682 --> 00:35:24,312 The more we remember this, 573 00:35:24,459 --> 00:35:28,498 we'll not get caught up in any violent games. 574 00:35:29,064 --> 00:35:31,295 Why would we use our energy 575 00:35:31,473 --> 00:35:36,911 any way other than to make life wonderful when we remember that we have this power? 576 00:35:37,053 --> 00:35:41,134 So that's one thing we've got to make clear in our expression of gratitude 577 00:35:41,274 --> 00:35:43,434 specifically what the person did, 578 00:35:43,574 --> 00:35:46,485 not some vague generality. 579 00:35:46,983 --> 00:35:51,023 For example a woman in Geneva Switzerland came by up to me at the end of a workshop. 580 00:35:51,163 --> 00:35:55,304 Here's what she said to me: "You're brilliant." 581 00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,243 I said: "Doesn't help." 582 00:36:00,331 --> 00:36:01,299 She said: "What do you mean?" 583 00:36:01,439 --> 00:36:06,219 I said: "You know mam, I've been called a lot of names in my life, really I have. 584 00:36:06,359 --> 00:36:09,691 Some positive and some far less than positive. 585 00:36:09,831 --> 00:36:15,497 And I can never recall learning anything valuable by somebody telling me what I am. 586 00:36:15,637 --> 00:36:20,073 I think there's zero information value being told what you are 587 00:36:20,213 --> 00:36:23,130 and great danger, you might believe it. 588 00:36:23,241 --> 00:36:28,701 And it's just as dangerous to believe that you're smart as that you're stupid. 589 00:36:28,892 --> 00:36:32,102 Both of them reduce you to a thing. 590 00:36:33,212 --> 00:36:36,700 We're much more than either of those. 591 00:36:37,897 --> 00:36:41,584 But I can see in your eyes that you want to express some gratitude. 592 00:36:41,724 --> 00:36:42,600 - Yes! 593 00:36:42,740 --> 00:36:46,290 - And I want to receive it but, doesn't help me to be told what I am. 594 00:36:46,430 --> 00:36:47,920 - What do you need to hear? 595 00:36:48,060 --> 00:36:51,856 - What did I do to make life more wonderful for you? 596 00:36:51,961 --> 00:36:53,774 - Well, well, you're so intelligent. 597 00:36:53,914 --> 00:36:55,786 - No, doesn't help. 598 00:36:56,492 --> 00:36:59,040 - Doesn't help. What did I do? 599 00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:00,415 Oh I got you, I got you." 600 00:37:00,555 --> 00:37:02,544 She opens up her notebook, 601 00:37:02,648 --> 00:37:05,999 she showed me two things that I had said that she had written down. 602 00:37:06,139 --> 00:37:08,763 She put a big star by them. 603 00:37:09,066 --> 00:37:10,992 See? That helps me now. Ok. 604 00:37:11,085 --> 00:37:13,579 That helps to know, that somehow, 605 00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:19,064 my saying those two things made this persons life more wonderful. 606 00:37:19,204 --> 00:37:21,832 So that's the first thing we need to say 607 00:37:21,959 --> 00:37:26,981 in appreciation. We need to bring to the persons attention concretely what they did 608 00:37:27,121 --> 00:37:28,772 that made life more wonderful. 609 00:37:28,912 --> 00:37:33,452 Second: at the moment we're giving the gratitude 610 00:37:33,592 --> 00:37:39,244 to say how we feel at that moment about the person having done that. 611 00:37:39,384 --> 00:37:41,111 So I said to this woman: 612 00:37:41,251 --> 00:37:45,877 "Could you tell me how you feel now as the result of my having said those two things?" 613 00:37:46,017 --> 00:37:47,909 She said "Hopeful and relieved." 614 00:37:48,049 --> 00:37:50,499 - Oh! Hopeful and relieved! 615 00:37:52,452 --> 00:37:56,600 That gives me much more than telling me what I am, that I'm brilliant." 616 00:37:56,740 --> 00:38:00,912 Just to know that somehow my saying those two things, 617 00:38:00,995 --> 00:38:04,615 now this person feels hopeful and relieved. 618 00:38:04,704 --> 00:38:09,371 Now when I hear the third thing I'll be able to really enjoy this gratitude. 619 00:38:09,511 --> 00:38:13,108 I said: "what need of yours was fulfilled 620 00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:15,033 by my saying what I did 621 00:38:15,096 --> 00:38:18,941 that leaves you feeling hopeful and relieved?" 622 00:38:19,051 --> 00:38:23,401 And that's the third thing we need to see in a giraffe gratitude. 623 00:38:23,484 --> 00:38:26,595 She said, "I have an 18 year old son. 624 00:38:26,735 --> 00:38:29,600 I've never been able to connect with him. 625 00:38:29,712 --> 00:38:31,964 It's been very painful that we never can connect, 626 00:38:32,057 --> 00:38:36,761 and I have needed some direction, to help me connect with him. 627 00:38:36,901 --> 00:38:42,788 Those two things you said met my need for some concrete direction." 628 00:38:43,690 --> 00:38:47,819 So had she exressed her gratitude in giraffe, she would have said: 629 00:38:47,959 --> 00:38:50,296 "Marshall when you said these two things," 630 00:38:50,436 --> 00:38:52,542 (showed me what the two things were) 631 00:38:52,676 --> 00:38:55,422 "it leaves me feeling hopeful and relieved, 632 00:38:55,562 --> 00:39:00,970 it meets a need of mine to connect with my son in a way that I want." 633 00:39:01,809 --> 00:39:05,947 OK? That's how we say gratitude in giraffe. Those three things. 634 00:39:06,087 --> 00:39:10,477 And it's also important how we receive gratitude. 635 00:39:11,460 --> 00:39:15,669 Let me show you how a jackal receives gratitude. 636 00:39:15,809 --> 00:39:17,769 "Jackal when you offered to give me the ride 637 00:39:17,909 --> 00:39:20,124 that just now to where I'm going afterwards 638 00:39:20,264 --> 00:39:21,667 I feel very grateful because 639 00:39:21,807 --> 00:39:24,488 I really have a need to spend more time with my family, 640 00:39:24,628 --> 00:39:28,189 and if I took the bus I'd have an hour less time. 641 00:39:28,329 --> 00:39:29,731 - It's nothing." 642 00:39:31,799 --> 00:39:33,621 "De rien." 643 00:39:36,982 --> 00:39:42,661 If you want to terrorize a jackal, express love and appreciation to him. 644 00:39:43,044 --> 00:39:46,947 Really, if you really want to scare a jackal, 645 00:39:47,222 --> 00:39:50,344 I've never seen anything scare jackal-speaking people more 646 00:39:50,484 --> 00:39:53,496 than sincere gratitude or love. 647 00:39:54,824 --> 00:39:58,268 "Why do you get so nervous, jackal, when you hear it? 648 00:39:58,414 --> 00:40:01,647 - Well I don't know that I deserved it." 649 00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:05,780 See, jackals have this dangerous concept in their head: 650 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:07,722 Deserve. 651 00:40:07,848 --> 00:40:10,293 It's a very violent concept. 652 00:40:10,439 --> 00:40:14,763 See it implies you have to deserve appreciation. 653 00:40:14,933 --> 00:40:20,381 You do deserve punishment if you behave in a certain way. See, the concept of deserve 654 00:40:20,521 --> 00:40:24,200 is a key ingredient in a violent way of life. 655 00:40:24,704 --> 00:40:28,113 If you believe in deserve you think certain things are worth things, 656 00:40:28,253 --> 00:40:31,542 and you'll set up a very destructive economic system. 657 00:40:31,682 --> 00:40:35,227 You'll set up a destructive correctional system. 658 00:40:35,367 --> 00:40:37,997 Very dangerous concept. 659 00:40:39,184 --> 00:40:40,547 "Well that's not the only reason. 660 00:40:40,687 --> 00:40:45,924 - Why else do you get so scared when you hear gratitude jackal? 661 00:40:46,209 --> 00:40:49,376 - What's wrong with being humble? 662 00:40:51,589 --> 00:40:53,861 - So you want to... have a need for humility? 663 00:40:54,001 --> 00:40:55,328 - Yes. 664 00:40:55,468 --> 00:40:57,965 - Well you know jackal there's different kinds of humility. 665 00:40:58,058 --> 00:41:01,361 I'm afraid that your kind is a jackal humility. 666 00:41:01,441 --> 00:41:04,958 I think your kind is the kind that Golda Meir, the Israeli Prime Minister, 667 00:41:05,036 --> 00:41:09,058 was reacting to when she said to one of her politicians: 668 00:41:09,198 --> 00:41:13,088 'Don't be so humble, you're not that great.'" 669 00:41:19,051 --> 00:41:21,975 But the main reason that I believe that gratitude 670 00:41:22,053 --> 00:41:24,633 is so scary for many of us to receive 671 00:41:24,773 --> 00:41:29,055 is beautifully and poetically written in 'The Course of Miracles' 672 00:41:29,139 --> 00:41:31,994 where they say "it's our light, not our darkness, 673 00:41:32,072 --> 00:41:34,520 that scares us the most." 674 00:41:35,657 --> 00:41:40,706 See having been educated in this jackal way to hate ourselves, 675 00:41:40,819 --> 00:41:44,496 to think there's something wrong with us. 676 00:41:44,597 --> 00:41:47,648 It's a big jump to really see what I was saying. 677 00:41:47,788 --> 00:41:52,899 That we have an enormous power to make life wonderful. 678 00:41:53,644 --> 00:41:59,620 And there's nothing we enjoy doing more than exercising that power. 679 00:42:00,061 --> 00:42:05,020 That's pretty unfortunately a pretty big jump for us to come to. But we can come to it. 680 00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:09,985 So that's how we say gratitude: observation, feeling and need. 681 00:42:10,125 --> 00:42:11,996 Same literacy. 682 00:42:12,737 --> 00:42:15,546 Make sure it's coming from the heart to celebrate, 683 00:42:15,686 --> 00:42:19,180 and never to praise, compliment, reward. 684 00:42:19,334 --> 00:42:24,798 So any last comments or questions before our time runs out? 685 00:42:26,394 --> 00:42:30,742 I'm grateful for all your time and attention to me.