WEBVTT

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I want to first say
that I want to dedicate this talk

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to all the folks who lean into the unknown
and share their stories anyway.

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I want to dedicate this talk
to my wife, Amy.

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(Applause)

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I want to begin by sharing
with you all a part of myself.

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It's something that I don't talk
frequently about.

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When I was 17, I was diagnosed
with manic depression.

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I want to stop there

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because by uttering those
two small words, "manic depression",

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I've just created very strong
negative ripple effect in this auditorium.

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Perhaps you're now viewing
my body differently than you did

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when you heard my intro.

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Perhaps you're ascribing stereotypes
onto my body that aren't mine.

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I think it's important that you all know
that at this point I want to say,

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"Thank you all for listening",
and I want to go off stage,

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but I'm going to stay.

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(Applause)

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So much clapping.

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(Laughter)

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We're all familiar
with the phrases "depression",

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we're familiar with the term "mania".

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Perhaps you've used
these words colloquially.

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"I feel so depressed today."
"He's acting so manic."

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For me, mania and depression

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were felt in more invasive,
regular everyday ways.

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They literally invaded into my everyday.

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And although this is just my experience,

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I think that it's important to know too

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that everyone's experience
is radically different.

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I was 17, I graduated high school,

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I was beginning my journey
into a local JC,

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and for me, depression felt
like an overwhelming weightiness.

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I felt like I was in a room
without a door knob.

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Getting out of the bed
and beginning the day

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was a success in and of itself.

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I was so suicidal that I couldn't drive,

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so my mother would drive me to my college,

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wait for three hours in the parking lot,
pick me up, drive me back home.

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Although it wasn't as frequent
or as long-standing,

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for me, mania was an overwhelming sense
of focus and energy,

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and I truly felt, invincible.

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By the time I finished my PhD work,

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I was hospitalized four times.

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Now, this is not how
I was going to start my TED talk.

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Not even close.

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I was going to talk to you all

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about the statistics surrounding madness.

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I was going to talk to you
about semantics.

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I was going to tell you about the history,

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of how we conceive of
and inscribe madness,

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and it wasn't until the fourth draft
of my talk that I realized

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I had completely written myself
out of this conversation,

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and I had to pause and ask myself why.

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Why in a talk where I was going to explore
the negative ripple effects

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created by the ways
in which we conceive of madness,

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had I written out my narrative?

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A narrative that so completely fit
into the conversation.

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And the answer is simple,

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and I think absolutely problematic
in its simplicity.

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And it's one word.

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It's shame and it's stigma.

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Even as I stand here before all of you,

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I am feeling very apprehensive
about how I am being read,

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how my body is being read,

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by my former, my current,
my future students.

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How is my body and my identity
being read by my colleagues.

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Am I being read as inferior,
as incompetent, as untrustworthy?

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Some of you might even be sitting
and thinking quietly to yourselves,

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"But she doesn't look crazy."

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And to that question, I ask you,
but what does craziness look like?

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And in fact, we have been taught
what craziness looks like, right?

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Many institutions
in our society have taught us

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and have helped us cultivate a very strict
and rigid understanding of madness.

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And just to illustrate the speed
at which this happens,

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and has happened for all of us
since we were very young,

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I want you all to pause with me and think.

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What do you think of,
what images, what connotations,

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what do you think of when you hear
the word "insane"?

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What do you think of when you hear
the word "crazy"?

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What connotations and images come to mind
when you hear the phrase "mental illness"?

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Perhaps your thoughts and your images

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are informed by the way
the news media ascribes disabilities,

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psychiatric disabilities, and madness.

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Perhaps your thoughts
are informed by literature,

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by graphic novels, by the movies.

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I go to the movies.

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Perhaps you thought of "Girl Interrupted",

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"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest",

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"Psycho",

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"Mommy Dearest",

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or "A Beautiful Mind".

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Irregardless of where
you've given these images

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or where you've gotten these images from,

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I think that a very rigid list
of stereotypes gets created.

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And although we probably did it together
and keep adding to this list,

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a very brief list is as follows.

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Folks with psychiatric disabilities
are often viewed as being dangerous,

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unpredictable, incompetent,

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unstable, irrational, and irresponsible.

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Now, the images or connotations

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that you so quickly call to mind

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when I ask you all to pause
and just meditate on the words

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"insane", "crazy", and "mental illness",

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the images that I've pulled up
that my mind went to,

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and this list of stereotypes,

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this is why it took me four drafts
to write myself in this talk.

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The sheer universality of these terms
and these images, and the weightiness

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regulate folks
with psychiatric disabilities,

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regulate me.

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I think it's really important to know
that, unlike other illnesses of the mind,

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psychiatric disabilities carry with them
something that's very distinct and unique.

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They carry a moral judgement
on the individual.

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So, what do we do with all of this?

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Before telling you that,
I want to tell you

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what the purpose of this talk is not.

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I think often, when folks
with disabilities of any kind

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share their narratives or speak,

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they are often seen as an inspiration.

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Their story is meant to be heard
and is meant to inspire you

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to bettering your life
as non-disabled folks,

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or even as other disabled folks.

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I am here to tell you
that I am not your inspiration.

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That's not my purpose.

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The purpose of this talk is to ask

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that we collectively cultivate
a community and space

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for unlearning the stereotypes and stigmas

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that we ascribe
to psychiatric disabilities.

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I want us to live in a place

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where someone sharing
that they have manic depression

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is as benign as someone saying
to another person, "I have diabetes."

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I want us to live in a place
where the moral judgements

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that often get placed onto folks
with psychiatric disabilities is removed.

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I want us to live in a place
where I can come before a group of people,

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and stand and say,
"My name is Shayda Kafai.

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I'm a professor in the Ethnic
and Women Studies Department

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at Cal Poly Pomona.
I have manic depression."

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or just a person,

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this way,

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Thank you.

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(Applause)