1 00:00:06,686 --> 00:00:09,031 What does being a "young carer" mean? 2 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,450 When someone we love starts feeling unwell 3 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:16,561 all the attention goes to that person, to his or her needs. 4 00:00:17,193 --> 00:00:19,968 But what happens if that someone 5 00:00:20,123 --> 00:00:23,308 is your mum or your dad? 6 00:00:24,570 --> 00:00:30,002 What happens to you if you are still a kid or a teenager 7 00:00:30,209 --> 00:00:32,811 when your parents start becoming unwell? 8 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:35,816 When I was a teen I didn't have the slightest idea 9 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,509 I was a "young carer". 10 00:00:37,509 --> 00:00:41,386 Like everyone else I went to school, I had fun with my friends. 11 00:00:41,922 --> 00:00:45,467 But what lays behind these pictures, that we don't see? 12 00:00:46,651 --> 00:00:49,476 Before telling you about the hidden iceberg 13 00:00:50,691 --> 00:00:55,012 I want to take a step back, go back to the start. 14 00:00:55,492 --> 00:00:58,875 If I'd ask you what has changed and what has stayed the same, 15 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:03,385 you'd probably tell me, apart from my age, that I still love dogs 16 00:01:03,565 --> 00:01:05,689 and I've changed my haircut. 17 00:01:06,041 --> 00:01:08,847 But what stays invisible in those pictures? 18 00:01:08,963 --> 00:01:12,963 What took me from the child you see in the center 19 00:01:13,077 --> 00:01:14,867 to the adult I am today, 20 00:01:14,876 --> 00:01:17,876 passing through the adolescent me you see on the left? 21 00:01:18,968 --> 00:01:22,207 Suddenly a tsunami hit my family. 22 00:01:22,481 --> 00:01:26,009 A tsunami that has been growing progressively, until devastating us. 23 00:01:26,655 --> 00:01:29,399 A tsunami called health problem. 24 00:01:29,629 --> 00:01:32,620 And when it hits one or both of your parents 25 00:01:32,620 --> 00:01:34,845 and you are still a child or an adolescent 26 00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,640 you rely on them 27 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,378 it becomes really hard. 28 00:01:40,566 --> 00:01:43,853 And if I told you that the health problem 29 00:01:44,352 --> 00:01:46,232 is a "mental health" problem? 30 00:01:47,785 --> 00:01:51,649 The load for a daughter or a son can become extremely heavy 31 00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:57,227 and can be made of sense of guilt, fear, anger, sadness, 32 00:01:57,227 --> 00:02:00,204 a whirlwind of alternating emotions of love and hate, 33 00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:04,043 the constant feeling of walking on eggshells, 34 00:02:04,518 --> 00:02:10,162 an excessive load of responsibilities, difficulty concentrating 35 00:02:10,899 --> 00:02:13,716 and also doing household chores, 36 00:02:13,746 --> 00:02:16,802 like doing the grocery shopping, taking care of younger siblings, 37 00:02:16,802 --> 00:02:19,078 or talking to doctors and managing therapy. 38 00:02:20,020 --> 00:02:22,165 Or being bullied, 39 00:02:22,165 --> 00:02:26,296 maybe because of the strange behaviour your parent might display. 40 00:02:27,269 --> 00:02:29,709 But in addition to this 41 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,733 you might find yourself dealing with real emergencies 42 00:02:32,733 --> 00:02:34,826 for which no one ever prepared you. 43 00:02:35,252 --> 00:02:38,974 Like handling the situation when your father or mother 44 00:02:38,974 --> 00:02:42,015 see or hear things that do not exist: psychosis. 45 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:47,532 Or having to deal with the extreme swings of mania and depression 46 00:02:47,532 --> 00:02:49,849 without anyone preparing you for that. 47 00:02:50,465 --> 00:02:54,531 Or even witnessing or thwarting suicide attempts. 48 00:02:55,570 --> 00:02:57,487 On top of that, 49 00:02:57,497 --> 00:03:00,678 having to continue with your everyday life, 50 00:03:00,726 --> 00:03:02,923 going to school, study... 51 00:03:02,923 --> 00:03:06,792 the reason why I am here today is that another weight adds to our shoulders 52 00:03:06,792 --> 00:03:10,105 which is often that you can't talk about it with anyone. 53 00:03:12,277 --> 00:03:16,372 If you say that your mum or dad have a physical health issue, 54 00:03:16,372 --> 00:03:18,580 a cancer or another physical illness, 55 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:21,658 hardly would someone blame them for that 56 00:03:21,658 --> 00:03:25,127 or believe they are bad parents or weak persons. 57 00:03:25,775 --> 00:03:29,400 Hardly would someone consider you as genetically compromised 58 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,406 and automatically destined to inherit the same illness. 59 00:03:33,026 --> 00:03:37,496 But if you try to say that your mum or dad suffer from major depression, 60 00:03:37,544 --> 00:03:41,488 bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, or in case there is no diagnosis, 61 00:03:41,498 --> 00:03:43,328 you describe their behaviour 62 00:03:43,379 --> 00:03:46,279 and say: "there's something wrong with mum or dad", 63 00:03:46,331 --> 00:03:49,251 the outside world's response will be completely different. 64 00:03:50,307 --> 00:03:53,628 Still today, worldwide, physical health and mental health 65 00:03:53,628 --> 00:03:56,347 are not granted equal dignity and respect. 66 00:03:57,436 --> 00:03:59,807 Still today mental health is not perceived 67 00:04:00,227 --> 00:04:01,657 as a common good for us all. 68 00:04:01,657 --> 00:04:04,908 And this causes a delay in understanding what's happening 69 00:04:04,938 --> 00:04:09,017 inside of ourselves and our loved ones, in asking and getting help, 70 00:04:09,054 --> 00:04:11,334 and often not getting any treatment at all. 71 00:04:11,887 --> 00:04:15,799 And for you as a son or daughter, the load becomes much heavier. 72 00:04:18,017 --> 00:04:20,168 The atmosphere you feel around you, 73 00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:23,421 communication problems, within and outside the family, 74 00:04:23,421 --> 00:04:25,621 stigma, prejudice, shame 75 00:04:25,670 --> 00:04:29,315 may lead you to keep everything inside you and not to say anything at all. 76 00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:34,031 But loneliness and silence are a heavy load to carry for a minor. 77 00:04:34,031 --> 00:04:36,510 How did I cope with the situation? 78 00:04:37,022 --> 00:04:39,324 What lays behind those photos that can't be seen? 79 00:04:39,338 --> 00:04:40,678 Behind that smile? 80 00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:45,042 An armor started to form, automatically, 81 00:04:45,042 --> 00:04:48,612 behind which I used to hide, an armor made of ice 82 00:04:48,645 --> 00:04:52,245 that allowed me to keep fear, anger and pain inside 83 00:04:52,268 --> 00:04:55,226 and prevent them from overwhelming me and the people around me, 84 00:04:55,252 --> 00:04:58,525 and allowed me to keep on doing the things my peers were also doing 85 00:04:58,550 --> 00:04:59,834 but which at the same time 86 00:04:59,849 --> 00:05:02,092 made me feel light years apart from them, 87 00:05:02,092 --> 00:05:04,733 because it made me grow up faster than others. 88 00:05:05,633 --> 00:05:10,313 At the same time there was also a cry for help 89 00:05:10,313 --> 00:05:13,138 a cry for help that couldn't, that wasn't able to come out 90 00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:15,479 and that no one, not even in school, imagined. 91 00:05:18,020 --> 00:05:21,770 When did the first crack start to open in that armor? 92 00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:25,630 When, for the first time, did light start to seep in? 93 00:05:26,476 --> 00:05:29,940 I still fondly remember the psychologist of the family counseling 94 00:05:29,940 --> 00:05:33,044 who is the first reliable person outside my family 95 00:05:33,044 --> 00:05:36,020 with whom I could open myself up and that gradually helped me 96 00:05:36,020 --> 00:05:38,750 identify trustworthy persons around me, extended network 97 00:05:38,750 --> 00:05:40,644 that could support me. 98 00:05:41,157 --> 00:05:43,560 But the real watershed for me has been 99 00:05:44,338 --> 00:05:49,821 reading on Internet forums the stories of daughters and sons from other countries 100 00:05:49,853 --> 00:05:53,244 thanks to the love for languages inherited from my parents. 101 00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:57,014 The stories of us children of mentally ill parents 102 00:05:57,014 --> 00:05:59,221 are all different, all unique. 103 00:05:59,245 --> 00:06:01,965 But there's one thing that blows my mind we have in common 104 00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:05,256 That we often believe we are the only ones. 105 00:06:06,153 --> 00:06:09,595 But statistically that's impossible! We're millions in the world 106 00:06:09,595 --> 00:06:13,724 Nevertheless we persuade ourselves that no one else 107 00:06:13,724 --> 00:06:16,403 has ever experienced the same things we have experienced. 108 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,010 You know why that happens? 109 00:06:18,037 --> 00:06:20,566 Because we don't talk about our stories of children. 110 00:06:22,777 --> 00:06:29,526 Through stories of activists, daughters and sons from Australia, US & Canada, 111 00:06:30,538 --> 00:06:34,327 not only I could give a name to emotions I had been feeling 112 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:37,519 and understand they were a natural reaction to what I experienced, 113 00:06:37,709 --> 00:06:40,811 but I could also acknowledge the positive traits 114 00:06:40,954 --> 00:06:43,991 that I developed to cope with that situation. 115 00:06:44,841 --> 00:06:48,964 So I took my first intercontinental flight, alone 116 00:06:49,044 --> 00:06:53,027 and went to Vancouver, in Canada, for the first conference as a speaker, 117 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:56,796 to meet those daughters and sons, to talk to them. 118 00:06:57,224 --> 00:07:00,624 That has been a moment of positive, powerful reflection 119 00:07:00,862 --> 00:07:03,722 as in them I could see the story I had lived, 120 00:07:03,746 --> 00:07:05,421 but also the one yet to be written. 121 00:07:05,883 --> 00:07:09,378 In them I saw the pain, but also the power of redemption, 122 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:12,171 to transform that pain in seeds for change. 123 00:07:12,216 --> 00:07:16,516 I saw those positive traits of resilience, empathy, courage, 124 00:07:16,567 --> 00:07:20,010 willingness to challenge the status quo that I didn't recognize in me, 125 00:07:20,010 --> 00:07:23,270 until I saw them reflected through them and finally felt mine, too. 126 00:07:23,928 --> 00:07:26,983 That encounter has been a gift, an immeasurable gift, 127 00:07:26,983 --> 00:07:29,270 that keeps giving me energy even now. 128 00:07:29,270 --> 00:07:32,886 And it's a gift I strongly wanted to bring back to Italy, to Europe 129 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:36,688 to help other "forgotten children" 130 00:07:36,688 --> 00:07:39,735 take some of this burden from off their shoulders. 131 00:07:40,495 --> 00:07:44,261 My wish is that no child, no adolescent nor young adult 132 00:07:44,277 --> 00:07:47,364 has to feel alone anymore when one or both parents 133 00:07:47,364 --> 00:07:49,496 start suffering from a mental illness. 134 00:07:50,113 --> 00:07:52,913 It's an immense wish, that needs everyone's help 135 00:07:53,018 --> 00:07:57,922 because, otherwise, how could I prevent myself 136 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,648 from carrying again the world upon my shoulders? 137 00:08:01,707 --> 00:08:03,667 And so that brings us to today. 138 00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:07,787 In 2017, with other Italian daughters and sons, Gaia, Carlo and Marco, 139 00:08:07,803 --> 00:08:10,533 we started the first Italian not for profit 140 00:08:10,541 --> 00:08:12,601 created by and for daughters and sons 141 00:08:12,657 --> 00:08:15,877 to give voice to children and adolescents who don't have a voice, 142 00:08:15,927 --> 00:08:19,015 to advocate for our rights also within institutions 143 00:08:19,015 --> 00:08:22,204 and it is called COMIP, Children of Mentally ill Parents, 144 00:08:22,216 --> 00:08:24,106 daughters and sons. 145 00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:27,550 We started a project 146 00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:30,080 that is called like the mini guide I've written 147 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,469 and that I would have needed when I was fifteen 148 00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:36,569 and is called: "When Mum Or Dad Are Unwell 149 00:08:36,569 --> 00:08:40,049 mini guide to survival for children of parents with mental ill health". 150 00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:44,713 It is a grassroots project, started through crowdfunding, 151 00:08:44,753 --> 00:08:48,303 with the aid of people around me, some of them are in this theater now, 152 00:08:48,303 --> 00:08:50,613 who believed in the same wish 153 00:08:50,653 --> 00:08:54,315 and gave us the nourishment to begin and fly high. 154 00:08:54,315 --> 00:08:59,095 This project has the ambitious goal to donate a copy of this mini guide 155 00:08:59,125 --> 00:09:03,598 to all school and public libraries, all family counseling centers 156 00:09:03,598 --> 00:09:05,404 and to mental health centers in Italy 157 00:09:05,409 --> 00:09:07,659 so that no child or teen is ever left alone 158 00:09:07,659 --> 00:09:09,239 nor their families. 159 00:09:09,363 --> 00:09:12,153 Especially children whose parents are not aware 160 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,427 of their illness and are not even in treatment for their disorder. 161 00:09:15,444 --> 00:09:17,504 We need to think about these kids, too! 162 00:09:17,514 --> 00:09:19,562 I have been one of them for quite some time. 163 00:09:20,609 --> 00:09:23,281 At first, when I started planning this project 164 00:09:23,281 --> 00:09:26,874 I told myself: "I am never going to make it, how am I going to do it?" 165 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,074 Little by little, though, I asked help from people around me 166 00:09:30,155 --> 00:09:33,402 also to professional hikers guides, offering to tell 167 00:09:33,421 --> 00:09:36,141 my story in ten minutes during an excursion 168 00:09:36,587 --> 00:09:39,165 and find this way people from civil society 169 00:09:39,165 --> 00:09:41,357 who may not have lived this type of experience 170 00:09:41,424 --> 00:09:44,548 who wanted to become our "postmen of change" 171 00:09:44,548 --> 00:09:47,469 and deliver a copy of the mini guide as a donation from Comip 172 00:09:47,556 --> 00:09:49,527 to the public library of their city. 173 00:09:49,925 --> 00:09:52,906 And now we've managed to reach a lot of regions, 174 00:09:52,915 --> 00:09:55,363 from Aosta Valley to Sicily and Sardinia. 175 00:09:55,363 --> 00:09:57,627 And we are not going to stop, we want to reach them all. 176 00:09:57,688 --> 00:10:01,648 Another wish we have is to raise awareness within institutions 177 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:04,343 and make them do more for us, but also civil society, 178 00:10:04,343 --> 00:10:07,531 and invest more in mental health. 179 00:10:07,962 --> 00:10:10,465 Another enormous wish we are fulfilling 180 00:10:10,505 --> 00:10:14,625 is to meet schools, talk to students, to young people. 181 00:10:14,911 --> 00:10:17,442 Not only caregivers, daughters & sons, but them all. 182 00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:20,580 To have a toolbox 183 00:10:20,610 --> 00:10:24,227 to deal with all emotions, both positive and negative, 184 00:10:24,246 --> 00:10:27,016 with life's challenges by starting well equipped, 185 00:10:27,038 --> 00:10:29,178 before feeling too unwell. 186 00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:31,381 To save lives. 187 00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:36,283 A long and winding road lays ahead of us, 188 00:10:36,286 --> 00:10:40,286 but if there's one thing I know for sure 189 00:10:41,296 --> 00:10:43,988 is that one of the positive traits 190 00:10:44,026 --> 00:10:46,746 we daughters and sons of parents with mental illness have 191 00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:49,346 is the willingness to change the status quo. 192 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,380 That's why I know that that girl 193 00:10:52,403 --> 00:10:55,825 is going to make her wish come true, with your help, too. 194 00:10:55,914 --> 00:10:58,814 If this story struck you, moved you, 195 00:10:58,829 --> 00:11:02,289 talk about it, tell it to your friends, to your colleagues. 196 00:11:02,309 --> 00:11:05,493 Let's open together that tiny door that didn't open for us. 197 00:11:05,493 --> 00:11:07,549 Let the Light shine in! 198 00:11:07,549 --> 00:11:09,217 Thank you. 199 00:11:09,217 --> 00:11:11,897 (Applause)