0:00:00.000,0:00:16.000
[ Music ]

0:00:16.000,0:00:21.510
[ Appplause ]

0:00:21.510,0:00:28.550
>> My beautiful family decided to surprise me, so my mother[br]is here and she's never seen me perform before.

0:00:28.550,0:00:35.860
[ Applause ]

0:00:35.860,0:00:40.530
So is my uncle, my sister and my cousin.

0:00:40.530,0:01:01.400
[ Speaking in Spanish ]

0:01:01.400,0:01:09.730
>> [ Male voice ] That's what I thought.[br][ Applause ]

0:01:09.730,0:01:13.270
>> I told her this place is home for me,[br]this place is sacred, and for her to be here

0:01:13.270,0:01:17.500
is having all of my family under one roof.[br][ Scattered applause ]

0:01:17.500,0:01:21.740
It is something I have dreamt of for a long time[br]because when there is a language barrier,

0:01:21.740,0:01:26.620
you don't know how to explain something that[br]you do for like a Latino culture, like for

0:01:26.620,0:01:31.000
many other cultures art isn't viable, and we don't[br]understand what it is until we see

0:01:31.000,0:01:36.590
it and experience it and... yeah, this is something[br]that I have been waiting for for a long time.

0:01:36.590,0:01:45.000
[ Applause ]

0:01:45.000,0:01:50.060
I do most of my writing in English.[br]Papi never like this speaking in Spanglish.

0:01:50.060,0:01:55.290
If you ever heard us sputtering in either language[br]from across the room you would yell spit it out.

0:01:55.290,0:02:01.970
But sometimes at home, I'll put on my Spanish[br]and it'll feel like I'm wearing my mother's wedding dress

0:02:01.970,0:02:06.720
but Mommy didn't marry in a church,[br]Mommy didn't have a big pretty gown,

0:02:06.720,0:02:11.730
instead what she wore was a two-piece suit,[br]married in an office somewhere, my sisters and I

0:02:11.730,0:02:15.290
were the witnesses and we ate at a [inaudible][br]before heading home.

0:02:15.290,0:02:21.400
This is Spanish for me, everything that should be,[br]but quite isn't, it's like coming home,

0:02:21.400,0:02:26.890
but all the furniture is different. Then there's[br]English and everything is painted in its color.

0:02:26.890,0:02:33.780
Think of that gray that settles in and around dusk,[br]that is English. Sometimes I get lost in it and then

0:02:33.780,0:02:39.170
the shape of words, what they feel and look like[br]when I go to reach for one, I somehow mess it all up.

0:02:39.170,0:02:45.620
I laughed, turned bright in the face I blamed the[br]Spanish, it came first, it is home.

0:02:45.620,0:02:51.080
Papi would drink, and after drinking he[br]would talk. He often chose English

0:02:51.080,0:02:55.330
with a brown, crumpled bag [inaudible],[br][inaudible] Espanol, Papi.

0:02:55.330,0:02:59.880
But he would refuse. It was usually a lecture,[br]you see formal things in my home only came

0:02:59.880,0:03:05.970
in English but whenever he was happy, he would[br]call me to him [ Speaking in Spanish ]

0:03:05.970,0:03:13.240
and I would go. Papi was papi or apa or abuelo[br]sometimes even papa,

0:03:13.240,0:03:18.710
but never father. I save that for the poems about[br]his drinking, about my angry hurt,

0:03:18.710,0:03:23.570
about how far away it pushed me, I don't write[br]about that in Spanish. Things are too real in

0:03:23.570,0:03:28.610
that language so I keep it for love songs.[br]For my boys who have no idea what I'm saying

0:03:28.610,0:03:35.600
but they think it sounds beautiful, right? I say[br]things like [ Speaking in Spanish ]

0:03:35.600,0:03:39.580
my fingers and my hair, and the head on my lap[br]and of talking and

0:03:39.580,0:03:43.530
talking and saying all those pretty things,[br]my mother used to pour over me when I was still

0:03:43.530,0:03:49.860
small enough to be held. So, that's what I'm[br]saying is that Spanish is a feeling, a squeeze,

0:03:49.860,0:03:56.170
an ache, a corner of myself, I can't seem to[br]quite get to, an English word isn't so much of

0:03:56.170,0:04:02.140
a feeling but an action, a dance that I know all[br]the steps too, but still feel awkward dancing.

0:04:02.140,0:04:22.200
[ Speaking in Spanish ]

0:04:22.200,0:04:28.630
I am always wearing one language at a time and[br]I will spend the rest of my life trying to

0:04:28.630,0:04:35.000
learn about everything I lost, we lost in[br]translation. I love you, Mama.

0:04:35.000,0:04:48.857
[ Music ]