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Human beings have the biological
equivalent of a sports car

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between their ears.

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And it’s wonderful 
that we have this device.

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Our ability to reason and problem solve;
to plan, predict, evaluate, abstract,

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or create is the envy 
of the rest of living creation.

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But you would not jump 
into a fast sports car

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and jam on the accelerator 
if somebody hadn’t told you

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where the brakes are 
and how to apply them.

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And this mind of ours, at times,
takes us in the wrong direction.

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And when it’s doing that,

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we have to know how to slow it down 
and to put on those brakes.

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And it’s not obvious where that is.

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Our temptation is to put on the brakes 
by jamming on the accelerator

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and swerving back and forth really fast.

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But it turns out the brakes 
are in an entirely different area.

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I’m giving this talk at a TEDx
that’s sponsored by the Davidson Academy,

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which is one of the treasures of the U.S.,

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a school for the gifted and talented,

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where young people who have IQs at the 
99.9th percentile or above are educated.

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And so I know I’m looking at people,
who over the next years,

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are going to make a profound difference 
to human society, very likely.

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But I’m also a clinical psychologist.

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And I know that I’m looking at people 
who are going to suffer.

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I know that I’m looking at people

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who are going to have thoughts 
come up very close like,

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“You’re not lovable,” or, 
“Life’s not livable.”

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Like, “There’s something wrong with you.”

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"Deep down you’re bad" or, "You’re mean,"
or, "You should be ashamed."

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Or, "You need to figure out a way 
to run from that painful rejection,"

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or betrayal or that traumatic thing 
that happened to you.

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And when that happens, 
I don’t care how smart you are,

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you’re going to need to know 
how to put on the mental brakes.

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And what I want to share with you
is the surprising science

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of where those brakes are.

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For the last 30 years, I and my colleagues

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have been studying language 
and cognition through the filter,

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through the lens, of a theory called 
Relational Frame Theory, or RFT;

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a perspective I developed decades ago,

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and the applied extension of that into 
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT,

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a whole set of methods that we use

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in many, many different areas 
of human suffering.

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And I want to explain to you 
what language and cognition is,

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why what we’re doing here
right now is different

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than what the bird outside 
the window is doing.

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Because when you see it,
you’ll know a little bit

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of how to actually push on 
the accelerator even more.

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That’s not the purpose of my talk.

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But you’ll also know why you cannot rely 
on that part of your mind

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only when you need to slow it down,

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when it’s taking you 
in the wrong direction.

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So I could summarize 30 years
of work in a little ditty,

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it’s kind of a little humiliating 
that you can do it, but you can,

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which is this:

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Learn it in one, derive it in two;

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put it in networks
that change what you do.

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That’s 30 years of work.

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(Laughter)

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And so I want to explain what that means

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and why we’re different than 
that bird outside the window.

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Let’s take the first two lines;
Learn it in one, derive it in two.

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Take the simplest thing; 
the name for an object.

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Very young children, human infants, 
learn that if something has a name,

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if I’ve called this a boo-boo, let’s say,
and then I said, “Where’s the boo-boo?”

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The infant, soon enough,
would try to find this.

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We’re the only creatures that do that.

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The language-trained chimps don’t do that.

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In controlled research they don’t.

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And by the way, please don’t email me 
about your really smart dogs and cats.

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(Laughter)

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I know you’ve got them; I've got one too.

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And they don’t do it.

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But we do do it.

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If you happen to know that, for example, 
that round red thing is called an apple,

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if I were to say to a baby

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who’s had enough exposure 
to a normal verbal community

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and is normally developing,
by around age 12 months,

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“Where’s the apple?” 
the baby will look for it.

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And then you can put it into networks 
that actually change what we do.

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If you knew that the name
for apple was also "yabuka",

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and then I asked you to imagine 
when you’re really thirsty,

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going to the refrigerator and getting out 
a fresh bottle of yabuka juice

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and pouring it into a glass, 
and then imagine bringing up

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that yabuka juice and smelling 
what yabuka juice smells like,

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and then having a couple of big, 
sweet gulps of yabuka juice.

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Can you imagine that?

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If you had cotton in your mouth 
and spit it out, many of you,

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your cotton is now heavier, because 
you’re salivating to yabuka juice.

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And unless you’ve lived in Croatia 
where apples are called yabukas,

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you’ve never heard it before, 
until this old bald guy said it to you.

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That’s how fast it happens.

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And it’s wonderful as we begin 
to then learn other relationships

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other than names, 
like "before" and "after",

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"cause" and "effect",
"bigger" and "smaller".

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And little kids break free 
from the formal properties of events.

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A little kid thinks a nickel 
is bigger than a dime,

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but a four, five, and six-year-old 
know a dime is bigger than a nickel.

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But wait a minute.

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If a dime can be bigger than a nickel,

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then no matter how successful you are, 
maybe it’s not big enough.

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You should have been so much more.

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This same problem-solving tool
that we’ve got can turn on us,

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and it does.

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And what are you going to do when it does?

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Let me just show you some of the problems

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of just trying to rely on problem-solving 
only to put on the brakes.

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Take an example like this:

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I don’t want you to think of jelly donuts 
that are filled with crème filling.

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So when that thought comes in your mind 
or you look at that and see that,

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I don’t want you to think of that;
don’t think of that, it’s bad.

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It’s important you not think of that.

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What I suggest you think of 
instead are hats.

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So when you think
of donuts, think of hats.

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Hats; remember hats.

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Think of donuts, think of hats. 


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Hats, hats.

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You get it? You got it?

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Now it is true in the moment 
that you’re thinking of hats,

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it seems like this works.

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This is where obsessive-compulsive 
disorder comes from,

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as we push it away, 
push it away, push it away.

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But I can show you that that’s not real.

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That sense that you’ve got it 
under control now,

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this logical problem-solving mode of mind 
has eliminated that bad donut,

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I’ll show you it’s not true.

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What comes to mind if I say this?

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Black...white, right?

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Hot...cold, right?

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Hats...

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(Laughter)

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Donuts.

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(Laughter)

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That’s how fast it happens.

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Learn it in one, derive it in two,
put it in networks.

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The network is now bigger,

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and just because you say “is not a” 
doesn’t mean that it’s not related.

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Opposite is a relation,
different is a relation.

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And so the network’s gotten bigger.

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And now hats will remind you of donuts.

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I’ve now put that in your head.

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(Laughter)

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And other people are putting 
things in your head.

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It wouldn’t be so bad if everything 
in our head we put in there, but we don’t.

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The television screen, or your sibling,
or a parent when they’re really mad

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and criticizing you, or just things 
that occur to you;

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things go into your head.

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And once they go in, that’s an issue.

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Suppose I were to tell you,

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- this is to see how fast it happens -

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I’ve got three numbers 
that I want you to remember.

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And the TED Talk people in cooperation 
with the Davidson Academy,

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maybe the Davidsons themselves,

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have given me the money 
such that when I ask you

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what the numbers are that I’m about 
to give you a week from now,

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if you remember them, 
I’ll give you $10,000,

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so it’s really important.


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Here are the numbers:

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One, two, three.

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Now don’t forget it.

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Ten grand is on the line.

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So if I tap you on the shoulder 
a week from now and I say,

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“What are the numbers?” you will say…

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One, two, three; good, don’t forget it;
it’s really important.

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I lied; there’s no money.

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(Laughter)

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But do you doubt that a week from now 
if I came up and said,

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“What are the numbers?” You could tell me?

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How many people think you 
couldn’t tell me?

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How about a month from now?

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Are there people in here weird enough
that a month from now

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you’ve taken up that gray
matter, and that white,

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you’ve got one, two, three
in your head? Really?

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How about a year from now?

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There’s some people in here a year...

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How about on your deathbed 
with a really old man?

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“What are your numbers?”

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(Laughter)

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Why?

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Just because I said it, that’s enough.

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Because that’s the way 
the human nervous system works.

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It’s like having a calculator 
where there’s no minus button,

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and there’s no delete button, just pluses 
and equals and multiplies.

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Once in, it stays in.

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I can tell you as a psychologist,

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there is no process in psychology 
called "unlearning".

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There’s extinction, et cetera,
but that’s inhibition.

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That’s not unlearning.

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You can learn it again faster 
the next time,

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even if you’ve forgotten it, which means 
it must be there somewhere.

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One, two, three will be in your head 
for the rest of your life.

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(Laughter)

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But suppose it was something
really painful.

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Suppose it’s your girlfriend saying, 
“I don’t want you.”

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Suppose you’ve been betrayed 
in some deep way.

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There’s no place else for that to go.

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And when it gets up close,

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when that voice starts telling you 
that you’re unlivable;

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that you’re unlovable 
and life’s unlivable,

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when that happens, you’re going 
to need to put on the brakes.

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And this little ditty orients us 
towards where that might be.

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It’s not the “learn it in one, 
derive it in two, network” part.

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You’re just building networks when 
you’re arguing with yourself.

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True, if you don’t have information, 
okay, get the information.

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If you just need to think 
more flexibly, okay.

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But most of the things 
that we really struggle with,

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we’re thinking that we’re going 
to get an eraser,

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or a delete button,
and that doesn’t exist.

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But the last line tells us what we can do:


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change what we do.

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There are ways of changing 
how your thoughts function,

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how they work when they show up.

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What are the numbers?

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(Laughter)

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We’ve been riding this tiger
of language and cognition

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as long as homo sapiens
exist, and probably,

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based on brain size, 
some of the early hominids.

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That’s probably 400,000 years old.

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We know it’s not more than 
2.8 million years old

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because the chimpanzees don’t do this.

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But we do.

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But we’ve been riding this tiger 
and been trying to figure it out.

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And, actually, if you want
to pick one place

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as to where we might get some
ideas about what to do,

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it’s not going to be in the 
problem-solving part of our culture;

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it’s in the wisdom traditions.

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It’s in our spiritual 
and religious traditions.

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And that will help us orient 
towards what the process is.

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How do we change what we do?

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And once you see that, 
then you can see there’s other ways

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that are outside those traditions.

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And we’ve come up with them in the work 
on RFT and ACT and tested them.

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Everything I’m going to tell you about

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has been tested 
in multiple scientific studies,

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literally hundreds of studies on RFT 
and close to 1,000 studies on ACT.

234
00:13:14,185 --> 00:13:15,942
So let’s just take this first one

235
00:13:15,942 --> 00:13:19,272
that does directly come out of the 
spiritual and religious traditions,

236
00:13:19,277 --> 00:13:21,817
which is mindful awareness of thoughts,

237
00:13:21,817 --> 00:13:23,833
because it will help us see the principle.

238
00:13:24,378 --> 00:13:26,080
If anybody’s in here a meditator,

239
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:30,070
you know that your job
is to simply watch your thoughts

240
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:34,383
unfold as a process with a sense 
of dispassionate observation.

241
00:13:34,991 --> 00:13:38,001
You don’t have to put a big religious 
wraparound to do that.

242
00:13:38,001 --> 00:13:39,354
Anyone in here could do it.

243
00:13:39,354 --> 00:13:42,906
You could do it by simply watching 
the clouds in the sky go by,

244
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:46,109
and with each thought that shows up,
stick another one in the cloud.

245
00:13:46,109 --> 00:13:48,557
Don’t push it away; the cloud
goes at its own speed.

246
00:13:48,557 --> 00:13:51,047
Don’t cling to it;
you’re not controlling the clouds.

247
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:54,493
Just put it there and let it go,
if it comes back again, put another one.

248
00:13:54,493 --> 00:13:57,053
Or pick anything, 
like cars going by on the freeway

249
00:13:57,053 --> 00:14:01,033
or leaves floating by on the stream;
practice this, and you’ll get this sense.

250
00:14:01,033 --> 00:14:02,362
And what is the sense?

251
00:14:02,362 --> 00:14:03,604
That’s where the brake is.

252
00:14:03,604 --> 00:14:08,283
Here’s what the sense is:
to watch your mind do its work

253
00:14:08,283 --> 00:14:13,003
with a sense of distance 
and dispassionate curiosity.

254
00:14:13,843 --> 00:14:17,133
Not to buy into the thoughts
and look at the world structured by it,

255
00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:20,578
but to watch the process 
of thinking in flight,

256
00:14:20,578 --> 00:14:25,128
and that’s what you’re doing with your 
contemplation and meditation.

257
00:14:26,168 --> 00:14:29,208
That puts on the brakes.

258
00:14:29,875 --> 00:14:34,255
It’s just like watching a spider weave 
a web, a little cognitive web.

259
00:14:34,590 --> 00:14:35,940
Look at that. 


260
00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:38,078
Isn’t that interesting?

261
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:39,919
That puts on the brakes.

262
00:14:39,919 --> 00:14:44,239
And if that’s what’s going on here, yes, 
of course contemplative practice,

263
00:14:44,239 --> 00:14:46,909
I suggest it to everybody,
it’s a good thing to do.

264
00:14:46,909 --> 00:14:50,786
But I’m going to give you some things 
that will seem silly, that will seem odd.

265
00:14:50,786 --> 00:14:55,296
but I’ve been shown in scientific 
research to be of some help.

266
00:14:55,653 --> 00:15:00,023
My first suggestion;
give your mind a name.

267
00:15:02,261 --> 00:15:04,116
If it’s named, it’s different than you,

268
00:15:04,116 --> 00:15:08,016
you can listen to it with a sense 
of distance and watch it babble on

269
00:15:08,016 --> 00:15:09,176
and make some choices;


270
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,084
are you going to be guided by it or not?

271
00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:13,142
Sometimes it has good
advice, sometimes bad.

272
00:15:13,142 --> 00:15:16,112
You don’t have to argue with it
or make it stop talking to you.

273
00:15:16,112 --> 00:15:17,879
You don’t have to change its opinion.

274
00:15:17,879 --> 00:15:21,632
Just go, “Okay, thank you, George;
What else you got to say?

275
00:15:21,632 --> 00:15:23,473
Uh, okay. Thank you.” 


276
00:15:23,813 --> 00:15:25,543
I call my mind "George".

277
00:15:26,013 --> 00:15:28,628
If you don’t like George, 
pick your own name.

278
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:33,313
If you don’t have one come to mind, 
you can pick Mr. Mind or Ms. Mind

279
00:15:33,313 --> 00:15:38,175
and literally get a bit of separation
when you’re having that painful thought,

280
00:15:38,215 --> 00:15:40,509
recognize this is your mind 
talking to you.

281
00:15:40,509 --> 00:15:43,835
And some of this may be things 
you came by honestly, things you heard.

282
00:15:43,835 --> 00:15:45,105
What are the numbers?

283
00:15:45,107 --> 00:15:48,067
It isn’t necessarily anything 
you have to do anything about.

284
00:15:50,270 --> 00:15:53,532
If you have a thought up on you and 
you need to put it out there,

285
00:15:53,532 --> 00:15:54,704
not to make it go away,

286
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:59,349
but just you can see it as it is, instead 
of just seeing the world structured by it.

287
00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:00,619
Same with a thought.

288
00:16:02,050 --> 00:16:04,616
If you’re having a thought, 
an archetypal bad thought,

289
00:16:04,616 --> 00:16:08,446
like “I’m bad, I’m really bad,” and you’re
really feeling down on yourself,

290
00:16:09,381 --> 00:16:12,421
I suggest singing that thought.

291
00:16:13,094 --> 00:16:16,794
In absence of any other suggestion, 
how about to “Happy Birthday”?

292
00:16:17,573 --> 00:16:20,983
(Singing to tune of "Happy Birthday")
"I’m really, really, really bad.

293
00:16:20,983 --> 00:16:23,343
I’m really, really, really bad.

294
00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:29,508
I’m really, really, really, really, really
I’m really, really, really bad."

295
00:16:29,508 --> 00:16:30,548
(ends singing)

296
00:16:30,548 --> 00:16:31,488
(Laughter)

297
00:16:31,488 --> 00:16:32,553
Thank you, George.

298
00:16:32,553 --> 00:16:34,651
(Laughter)

299
00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:38,023
This is not to ridicule your mind.
I’m not doing that.

300
00:16:38,023 --> 00:16:40,803
It’s just to remind you 
that it’s just a voice talking.

301
00:16:41,464 --> 00:16:42,965
And whether you do with it,

302
00:16:42,965 --> 00:16:46,297
base it on your heart and your values 
and what works in the situation,

303
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:49,708
not just on the automatic
pilot, the push-pull,

304
00:16:49,708 --> 00:16:54,161
click-click of learning it in one 
direction, deriving it in two,

305
00:16:54,161 --> 00:16:55,469
and putting it in networks.

306
00:16:55,469 --> 00:16:58,889
You can’t trust that problem-solving mode 
to give you the right answer.

307
00:16:59,382 --> 00:17:02,482
Here’s one, and I’m going to ask
for some audience participation.

308
00:17:02,482 --> 00:17:06,088
You’re going to have to help me here
or I’m going to look really stupid.

309
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,749
This was invented by Titchener,

310
00:17:07,749 --> 00:17:11,486
a father of American psychology 
more than 100 years ago,

311
00:17:11,486 --> 00:17:13,576
or actually, exactly 100 years ago.

312
00:17:14,302 --> 00:17:16,692
And he had this theory
of language and cognition

313
00:17:16,692 --> 00:17:18,088
that oriented towards what?

314
00:17:18,088 --> 00:17:22,485
This idea that, if you took language out 
of context, it would lose its meaning.

315
00:17:22,485 --> 00:17:25,765
And the way he did that, 
in public talks and demonstrations,

316
00:17:25,765 --> 00:17:29,454
he would have people repeat 
a word out loud really fast.

317
00:17:29,454 --> 00:17:30,895
We’ve done the research on it.

318
00:17:30,895 --> 00:17:32,922
You get a diminishment of distress,

319
00:17:32,922 --> 00:17:36,132
a diminishment of believability 
at about 30 seconds.

320
00:17:36,530 --> 00:17:39,579
And so I’m going to do it just 20, 
because you’ll get the sense,

321
00:17:39,579 --> 00:17:42,119
and I don’t want to drive
people crazy on YouTube.

322
00:17:42,338 --> 00:17:44,797
But what I’m asking you 
to do is to take a word.

323
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:45,797
We’ll take milk.

324
00:17:45,797 --> 00:17:48,534
Why? Because most of us 
know what that’s like.

325
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:52,003
And take just a minute 
to think of what milk is like;

326
00:17:52,003 --> 00:17:55,083
what it tastes like, what it smells
like, what it looks like.

327
00:17:55,961 --> 00:17:59,881
Cold milk, white milk, 
the perceptual functions.

328
00:18:00,235 --> 00:18:02,794
And then the thing I’m going
to ask you to do with me,

329
00:18:02,794 --> 00:18:06,864
I’ll do it with you, 
so I’ll be as foolish as you are,

330
00:18:07,439 --> 00:18:11,299
is to say the word milk out loud,
fast, for 20 seconds.

331
00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:15,477
And then just see what happens to white, 
cold, creamy, glug-glug stuff.

332
00:18:15,477 --> 00:18:19,662
Are you willing to be complete idiots 
for just 20 seconds?

333
00:18:19,662 --> 00:18:20,692
Help me out here.

334
00:18:20,692 --> 00:18:22,407
You willing? 
All right.

335
00:18:22,407 --> 00:18:24,117
Ready, set, go.

336
00:18:24,117 --> 00:18:24,829
Loud.

337
00:18:24,829 --> 00:18:29,699
[Everyone repeats “milk” for 20 seconds.]

338
00:18:29,699 --> 00:18:30,819
A little louder.

339
00:18:35,159 --> 00:18:36,319
A little faster.

340
00:18:39,322 --> 00:18:42,957
Okay; the longest
20 seconds of the whole talk.

341
00:18:42,957 --> 00:18:44,537
(Laughter)

342
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:48,507
What happened to white, creamy, 
cold glug-glug stuff?

343
00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:52,095
It started going away, 
it started going away.

344
00:18:52,095 --> 00:18:53,385
And other things showed up,

345
00:18:53,385 --> 00:18:56,097
like how hard it is to say that word 
over and over again.

346
00:18:56,097 --> 00:18:57,665
Your mouth started getting tired.

347
00:18:57,665 --> 00:19:00,215
And the weird sound;
isn’t it a weird sound?

348
00:19:00,775 --> 00:19:03,941
But look, some of these difficult thoughts
are just programmed,

349
00:19:03,941 --> 00:19:05,271
like what are the numbers?


350
00:19:05,271 --> 00:19:06,393
One, two, three.

351
00:19:06,393 --> 00:19:09,703
At one level they’re nothing 
other than sounds.

352
00:19:09,703 --> 00:19:11,977
You’re going to turn 
your life over to that?

353
00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:13,750
Really? 


354
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,467
It’s not safe.

355
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,117
Put on the brakes.

356
00:19:17,676 --> 00:19:21,156
So if you have “bad” up
on you, do 30 seconds.

357
00:19:21,156 --> 00:19:25,236
It turns out 30 is about right,
really fast, on bad.

358
00:19:26,351 --> 00:19:30,337
I gave a talk at Stanford;
it was to a large, prestigious group.

359
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:33,006
I was talking about the amount
of money that we’d spent

360
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,716
on sleeping medications 
and how it’s gone up to about

361
00:19:36,764 --> 00:19:40,367
well, the slide said three, and what 
I should have said is, "Three billion,"

362
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:43,720
and instead I said, 
“It’s gone up to three trillion dollars.”

363
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,282
(Laughter)

364
00:19:45,282 --> 00:19:48,533
Then I went home to my hotel
and I went to sleep.

365
00:19:48,533 --> 00:19:52,105
And at 3:00 in the morning 
I sat up bolt upright and said,

366
00:19:52,105 --> 00:19:55,445
“Three trillion dollars, you idiot! 


367
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:56,665
(Laughter)

368
00:19:56,665 --> 00:19:58,545
That’s not right.”

369
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:01,223
I leapt out of the bed,
I’m marching back and forth.

370
00:20:01,223 --> 00:20:04,387
“They probably recorded it;
I did it at Stanford.”

371
00:20:04,387 --> 00:20:06,377
(Laughter)

372
00:20:07,387 --> 00:20:10,497
I said, “You’re stupid;
how stupid could you be?”

373
00:20:10,497 --> 00:20:13,788
And that reminded me of word repetition.

374
00:20:13,788 --> 00:20:16,727
If you just said over and over again,
“How stupid can you be?”

375
00:20:16,727 --> 00:20:19,169
there’s enough gaps there, 
that keeps its meaning.

376
00:20:19,169 --> 00:20:24,118
But instead I sat on the bed 
and really fast said out loud, to nobody,

377
00:20:24,118 --> 00:20:26,515
“Stupid, stupid, stupid, 
stupid, stupid, stupid,

378
00:20:26,515 --> 00:20:28,231
stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid."

379
00:20:28,231 --> 00:20:29,761
And then I went to sleep.

380
00:20:29,761 --> 00:20:32,143
(Laughter)

381
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,783
I recommend it; it’s a brake.

382
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:40,666
Oh, dear; here’s one
that seems very, very silly,

383
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,350
but it makes a very dramatic difference.

384
00:20:43,648 --> 00:20:47,348
If you have a difficult thought that’s up 
on you, say it in different voices,

385
00:20:47,348 --> 00:20:49,977
maybe your least preferred politician.

386
00:20:50,552 --> 00:20:52,370
I won’t guess who that might be.

387
00:20:52,370 --> 00:20:54,529
(Laughter)

388
00:20:54,529 --> 00:20:57,802
Or if you don’t like that, 
how about a cartoon character?

389
00:20:57,802 --> 00:21:01,193
If we were taking that thought like, 
“I’m bad, I’m really, really bad,”

390
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:04,255
I guarantee you it will feel a little
different if you’re saying,

391
00:21:04,255 --> 00:21:07,885
“I’m bad. I’m really bad.”

392
00:21:07,885 --> 00:21:10,244
(Laughter)

393
00:21:10,244 --> 00:21:13,025
Now be careful; I’m not telling you
to ridicule your mind.

394
00:21:13,025 --> 00:21:14,120
Really, I’m not.

395
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:17,549
And at the very end I’ll explain a way 
to make sure that comes together.

396
00:21:17,549 --> 00:21:22,189
It’s to get a little separation, 
to get some air in the room.

397
00:21:22,986 --> 00:21:24,096
Slow it down,


398
00:21:24,096 --> 00:21:26,273
so you can make some choices.

399
00:21:26,273 --> 00:21:29,009
If you’ve already done the work 
and you’re really tired

400
00:21:29,009 --> 00:21:32,683
you’re sick and tired of a particular 
self-criticism or self-evaluation

401
00:21:32,683 --> 00:21:34,082
and you’re ready to let it go

402
00:21:34,082 --> 00:21:36,402
don’t do this until you’ve done the work,

403
00:21:36,402 --> 00:21:39,552
because the final step
is kind of a public declaration

404
00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:44,140
as a way of taking that deep, dark secret 
and sharing it with others,

405
00:21:44,140 --> 00:21:49,600
because it turns out the big joke 
is our secrets are the same secrets.

406
00:21:50,588 --> 00:21:53,396
Write it out and stick it
on your chest on a sticky note,

407
00:21:53,396 --> 00:21:56,076
or if you really want to, 
order it for a t-shirt.

408
00:21:56,081 --> 00:21:57,671
And just see what happens. 


409
00:21:57,671 --> 00:21:59,785
Just wear it out in public.

410
00:21:59,785 --> 00:22:03,480
And I guarantee you that thing
is going to drain out the energy,

411
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,320
almost by the minute.

412
00:22:05,610 --> 00:22:10,784
Robyn Walser, an ACT person in Palo Alto,
came up with this working with veterans

413
00:22:10,784 --> 00:22:14,624
who have to face some really difficult, 
really difficult thoughts.

414
00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:17,459
We ask our soldiers
to do such tough things.

415
00:22:17,459 --> 00:22:21,199
And they’re having things 
like "murderer" on their chest.

416
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:26,511
And by God, you know, 
I’m not going to run around

417
00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:29,871
and have that running
my life anymore, here.

418
00:22:30,153 --> 00:22:34,400
They wore it almost like 
boy scout badges, yeah?

419
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,648
The first time I ever did it,
when I heard that Robyn was doing this,

420
00:22:37,648 --> 00:22:40,684
I was giving a workshop 
at a church camp up at Lake Tahoe,

421
00:22:40,684 --> 00:22:42,694
and I wrote down the word “mean.”

422
00:22:43,436 --> 00:22:46,425
And I remembered
this memory of being caught

423
00:22:46,425 --> 00:22:50,906
when I was about six years old with a 
magnifying glass at El Cajon, California

424
00:22:50,906 --> 00:22:55,014
figuring out how fast tarantulas go 
if you really heat up their rear end.

425
00:22:55,014 --> 00:22:56,534
(Laughter)

426
00:22:56,534 --> 00:22:59,457
And the look on my mother’s face 
to this day, Iike...

427
00:22:59,457 --> 00:23:00,537
(Grimaces)

428
00:23:00,537 --> 00:23:02,417
I’m really bad.

429
00:23:02,417 --> 00:23:05,227
You know, that’s the kind
of weird thing little boys do.

430
00:23:05,739 --> 00:23:09,129
And, yeah, I shouldn’t do that
to spiders, I get that.

431
00:23:09,406 --> 00:23:13,597
But here I am in my 60s or 50s by then,

432
00:23:13,597 --> 00:23:17,215
walking around with “I’m mean” 
for the rest of my life.

433
00:23:17,215 --> 00:23:18,215
Really?

434
00:23:18,215 --> 00:23:20,125
So I stuck it on my chest.

435
00:23:20,125 --> 00:23:21,795
But it was so hard.

436
00:23:21,795 --> 00:23:26,807
When we took a break and I went 
to get coffee from the church camp cook,

437
00:23:26,807 --> 00:23:28,927
I went like this so that 
he wouldn’t see it.

438
00:23:28,927 --> 00:23:30,823
(Laughter)

439
00:23:30,823 --> 00:23:33,871
And now it’s completely gone;
I get it, I get I have a history.

440
00:23:33,871 --> 00:23:34,781
Okay.

441
00:23:34,781 --> 00:23:37,354
But I’m not mean.

442
00:23:37,544 --> 00:23:40,904
I’m not going to be running from 
mean for the rest of my life.

443
00:23:42,529 --> 00:23:45,158
An easier way to do it, 
a little small version on this,

444
00:23:45,158 --> 00:23:48,548
is put it on your screensavers, 
the kind that have words come up.

445
00:23:48,548 --> 00:23:50,944
Take difficult thoughts, 
put it on screensaver,

446
00:23:50,944 --> 00:23:54,360
give yourself a regular opportunity 
to notice those thoughts and see:

447
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:56,220
does that really have to run your life?

448
00:23:57,062 --> 00:24:00,552
My students, I’m sure it was them,
snuck into my office over here.

449
00:24:00,871 --> 00:24:04,660
And I’m sure they did it, 
because I’m in there having a meeting.

450
00:24:04,660 --> 00:24:06,160
I look over at my computer.

451
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,526
And it says over there, “Deep down,
there’s something wrong with you.”

452
00:24:09,526 --> 00:24:11,851
(Laughter)

453
00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:13,971
I’m going to eventually 
find out who did it,

454
00:24:13,971 --> 00:24:15,924
don’t think I’m not.


455
00:24:15,924 --> 00:24:17,754
Somebody snuck in.

456
00:24:19,344 --> 00:24:22,414
I said that I would try to get 
the emotional feeling for it,

457
00:24:22,414 --> 00:24:26,153
and I want to finish my last example 
of hundreds that we have developed.

458
00:24:26,153 --> 00:24:30,293
You can access it in these self-help books
and so forth under the ACT work.

459
00:24:32,483 --> 00:24:35,039
If you have something 
that is really up like this,

460
00:24:35,039 --> 00:24:37,219
that has a history that goes 
back a long way,

461
00:24:38,190 --> 00:24:40,812
picture yourself as young as you can go

462
00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:43,352
having a thought 
like that or things like it.

463
00:24:43,658 --> 00:24:47,267
And take a little time to picture 
what you looked like at that age:

464
00:24:47,267 --> 00:24:49,647
what your hair was like, 
what you dressed like.

465
00:24:50,519 --> 00:24:53,780
And then, in imagination have those words


466
00:24:53,780 --> 00:24:57,040
come out of that child’s voice,

467
00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:00,500
out of that child in the voice of a child.

468
00:25:01,596 --> 00:25:04,374
And I guarantee you,
it will stab you through the heart.

469
00:25:04,374 --> 00:25:06,631
To hear some of the things 
we say to ourselves,

470
00:25:06,631 --> 00:25:08,789
when you hear it out 
of the mouth of a child.

471
00:25:08,789 --> 00:25:13,576
And it will pull from you the kind
of self-compassion and kindness

472
00:25:13,576 --> 00:25:16,436
that is the purpose
of these kinds of methods.

473
00:25:16,436 --> 00:25:17,946
This is not about ridicule.

474
00:25:18,631 --> 00:25:23,351
This is about learning how to deal 
with a language tiger

475
00:25:23,902 --> 00:25:28,972
and to ride it, without having it run you 
right off the edge of the cliff.

476
00:25:30,221 --> 00:25:32,392
So I’m giving you just some ideas

477
00:25:32,392 --> 00:25:36,312
in the surprising science 
of where the mental brakes are.

478
00:25:36,573 --> 00:25:38,442
They’re not in just figuring it out

479
00:25:38,442 --> 00:25:40,842
and evaluate it and making
your thoughts change.

480
00:25:41,213 --> 00:25:45,363
They’re more in taking a self-kind, 
compassionate posture,

481
00:25:45,363 --> 00:25:48,456
and looking at that little
mental spider doing its work

482
00:25:48,456 --> 00:25:51,866
with an attitude 
of dispassionate curiosity.

483
00:25:52,497 --> 00:25:54,467
Let your mind do what it’s doing,

484
00:25:54,852 --> 00:25:58,472
but figure out when it’s pushing you 
in the wrong direction,

485
00:25:58,472 --> 00:26:00,342
how to put on the mental brakes.

486
00:26:00,664 --> 00:26:03,464
You need that skill; we all do.

487
00:26:03,796 --> 00:26:07,113
And mental brakes avoid mental breaks.

488
00:26:07,113 --> 00:26:08,813
I hope I’ve been useful to you.


489
00:26:08,813 --> 00:26:09,639
Thanks.

490
00:26:09,639 --> 00:26:12,099
(Applause)