[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.00,0:00:00.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience applauding)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.83,0:00:02.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Hi guys.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.41,0:00:06.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got into quite a bit of trouble\Nrecently with my flatmate,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.28,0:00:07.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you don't call them\Nflatmates here, do you?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.61,0:00:10.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You call them roommates, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.11,0:00:10.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, okay, so I got in trouble,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.94,0:00:12.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,well, she messaged me and she said,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.62,0:00:15.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"James, would you mind\Ntaking your clothes,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.09,0:00:17.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"that are drying in the bathroom
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.05,0:00:18.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and moving them into your bedroom?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.80,0:00:19.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Take your clothes that\Nare drying in the bathroom,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.63,0:00:20.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"move them into your bedroom,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.46,0:00:22.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"because my Mum's coming over,\Nshe hasn't met you before,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.71,0:00:24.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"she hasn't seen the place we live before,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.35,0:00:25.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I wanna make a good impression."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.67,0:00:26.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I did that, I took all my clothes,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.50,0:00:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that were drying in the bathroom,\NI put them in my bedroom
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.43,0:00:32.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they were still a\Nbit wet as well, so hero,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.39,0:00:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then it transpires, guys,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.98,0:00:35.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all you need is like, what is that?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.27,0:00:38.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like one, two, three, four,\Nfive, six bags of flour
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.20,0:00:40.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and like an afternoon and\Na little bit of creativity
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.70,0:00:42.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you could pretty much make yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.36,0:00:44.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like a full-on kind of drugs, I would say,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.43,0:00:45.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.69,0:00:49.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sort of, in the house and\Nthen obviously, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.96,0:00:50.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you don't wanna just, you know, you keep,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.86,0:00:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you have to obviously\Nbe a little bit creative
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.90,0:00:54.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I found a, you know, a,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.15,0:00:55.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.10,0:00:57.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I thought, and\Nthen obviously, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.20,0:00:58.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought it was a bit subtle,\Nso then what I did as well,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.95,0:01:01.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had like a, obviously\Na tip book, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.12,0:01:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like People Who Owe Me Money,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.50,0:01:03.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.33,0:01:04.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, For Drugs,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.36,0:01:05.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.80,0:01:06.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That I Sold Them,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.63,0:01:08.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.17,0:01:11.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then you know, that\Nwas, I mean, I'll be honest,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.49,0:01:14.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you have already enjoyed\Nthat far more than she did,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.38,0:01:16.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.63,0:01:18.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the thing is that I\Ndon't know where the line,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.41,0:01:21.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know where to like\Nstop, you know what I mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.05,0:01:23.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically that was just a\Nprecursor to what happened next,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.03,0:01:24.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was when I first moved in there
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.39,0:01:26.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to like shared accommodation,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.25,0:01:27.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they had a big meeting\Nwith all the housemates
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.73,0:01:29.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we sat around and they\Ntold me all the rules and stuff
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.52,0:01:30.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they said, "Look, James,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.42,0:01:32.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we've got these little\Nboxes, that we got from Ikea,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.31,0:01:33.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"that we keep our toiletries in
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.88,0:01:35.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and we've cleared one out for you,"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.56,0:01:36.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was like, hooray.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.76,0:01:38.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.22,0:01:39.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I don't have any toiletries,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.61,0:01:41.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so what I ended up doing\Nwas just basically,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.61,0:01:44.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just filled mine with\Nbasically as many as I could,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.19,0:01:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.00,0:01:48.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause I thought that was very funny
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.26,0:01:49.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then the problem is\Nevery time I went in there,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.91,0:01:51.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was starting to kind\Nof like rearrange them,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.75,0:01:52.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do you know what I mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.58,0:01:53.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was having a great time,\N(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.78,0:01:54.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then, this genuinely happened
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.93,0:01:56.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then you know, one\Nday I got like narrative,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.70,0:01:57.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, I got more kind of,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.94,0:02:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like a chase scene was kind\Nof, you know, happening,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.00,0:02:00.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.86,0:02:02.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then after like four to five months,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.16,0:02:03.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they started to develop their own kind of,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.36,0:02:04.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, religion based\Naround the kind of,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.91,0:02:07.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,different kind of aspects\Nof the kind of, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.90,0:02:09.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then honestly, it was beautiful,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.05,0:02:10.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they had a wedding,\Nthat was such, honestly,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.77,0:02:11.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.86,0:02:12.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that was such a beautiful day,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.97,0:02:14.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we were so lucky with the weather,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.13,0:02:16.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everyone looked amazing,\Nit was really beautiful
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.19,0:02:18.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then Halloween.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.22,0:02:21.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.54,0:02:25.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like problem is six to\Neight months down the line,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.89,0:02:27.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they genuinely started to\Nget very sophisticated,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.27,0:02:28.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they started to develop like\Ntheir own kind of culture,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.71,0:02:30.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like entertainment, they started to make
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.11,0:02:31.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,their own kind of movies,\Nthey had a few blockbusters,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.89,0:02:33.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were just beautiful,\Nit was like, there was on,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.95,0:02:34.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)\Ndo you know what I mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.78,0:02:35.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was a really lovely,\N(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.80,0:02:36.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was a lovely moment, it was.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.99,0:02:38.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience applauding)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.91,0:02:40.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, there's more.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.03,0:02:43.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wait.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.86,0:02:45.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(cinematic music)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.08,0:02:50.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing and applauding)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.05,0:02:51.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tragic, tragic.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.45,0:02:56.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The problem is that I, you know, I,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.47,0:03:00.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.75,0:03:01.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got more
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.59,0:03:03.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.06,0:03:04.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I started to make it seem
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.16,0:03:06.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if they were like\Ngenerating from the drain,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.14,0:03:06.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know what I mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.97,0:03:09.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the problem is I don't\Nknow if you know this, guys,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.18,0:03:11.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but if you go online,\Nright, if you go online,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.84,0:03:13.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can actually get these, like,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.58,0:03:15.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can buy these wholesale,\N(cinematic music)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.50,0:03:16.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.99,0:03:17.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from China.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.82,0:03:18.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.66,0:03:20.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This genuinely happened, this is,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.16,0:03:23.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.24,0:03:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a lot of time and what I did
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.28,0:03:26.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is I staged Nuremberg in the bath,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.98,0:03:29.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this got me into significant\Ntrouble, this was not good.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.37,0:03:32.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(dramatic cinematic music)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.42,0:03:35.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was when I got the message,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.67,0:03:37.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"James, we need to talk about the ducks."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.57,0:03:38.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing and applauding)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.52,0:03:40.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's not a message anyone wants to get,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.56,0:03:41.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do you know what I mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.70,0:03:42.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like, the ducks?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.96,0:03:44.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause I was just denying\Nthe ducks, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.74,0:03:46.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she said, "The bathroom ducks."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.42,0:03:47.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, I was, the bathroom ducks?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.25,0:03:48.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "The ducks in the bathroom."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.99,0:03:50.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.47,0:03:51.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, ah, those ducks.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.67,0:03:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.69,0:03:55.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What about them?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.17,0:03:56.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "Please stop."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.49,0:03:58.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.54,0:04:00.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I was in a rush this morning,\Nbut I couldn't shower,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.39,0:04:01.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"until I'd moved like 100,"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.79,0:04:03.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.50,0:04:05.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"tiny ducks."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.86,0:04:06.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, okay, sorry about that.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.78,0:04:09.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From now on, no more tiny ducks.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.80,0:04:12.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.57,0:04:16.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll be honest, some of you\Nhave spotted that loophole
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.91,0:04:17.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,far quicker than she did,\N(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.86,0:04:19.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause she,\N(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.92,0:04:21.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she didn't, genuinely she\Ndid not see this coming,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.56,0:04:24.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this hit her like a ton of\Nbricks, I was not, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.11,0:04:25.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.27,0:04:28.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(cinematic music)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.26,0:04:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Huh?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.97,0:04:35.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(dramatic orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.60,0:04:38.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience applauding)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.23,0:04:49.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.70,0:04:52.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.45,0:04:55.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "I'm away this weekend,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.89,0:04:58.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"by the time I get back,\NI want all ducks gone."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.16,0:04:59.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, to be fair to her,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.33,0:05:00.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was getting quite hard\Nto move around the flat,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.80,0:05:02.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there was a significant number of ducks
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.30,0:05:03.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.32,0:05:06.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said, look, can I have\None duck in the bathroom?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.16,0:05:08.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "One."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.54,0:05:11.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.68,0:05:19.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing and applauding)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.47,0:05:22.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(lively orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.81,0:05:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience applauding)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.40,0:05:44.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.70,0:05:45.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.57,0:05:46.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you everyone.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.97,0:05:51.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience applauding and cheering)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.52,0:05:52.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Fantastic!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.95,0:05:53.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fantastic!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.79,0:05:55.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.10,0:06:00.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,James Veitch, ladies and gentlemen.