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(audience applauding)

2
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- Hi guys.

3
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I got into quite a bit of trouble
recently with my flatmate,

4
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you don't call them
flatmates here, do you?

5
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You call them roommates, right?

6
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Yeah, okay, so I got in trouble,

7
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well, she messaged me and she said,

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"James, would you mind
taking your clothes,

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"that are drying in the bathroom

10
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"and moving them into your bedroom?

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"Take your clothes that
are drying in the bathroom,

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"move them into your bedroom,

13
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"because my Mum's coming over,
she hasn't met you before,

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"she hasn't seen the place we live before,

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"I wanna make a good impression."

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So I did that, I took all my clothes,

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that were drying in the bathroom,
I put them in my bedroom

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and they were still a
bit wet as well, so hero,

19
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but then it transpires, guys,

20
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all you need is like, what is that?

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Like one, two, three, four,
five, six bags of flour

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and like an afternoon and
a little bit of creativity

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and you could pretty much make yourself

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like a full-on kind of drugs, I would say,

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(audience laughing)

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sort of, in the house and
then obviously, you know,

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you don't wanna just, you know, you keep,

28
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you have to obviously
be a little bit creative

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and then I found a, you know, a,

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(audience laughing)

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and then I thought, and
then obviously, you know,

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I thought it was a bit subtle,
so then what I did as well,

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I had like a, obviously
a tip book, you know,

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like People Who Owe Me Money,

35
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(audience laughing)

36
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you know, For Drugs,

37
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(audience laughing)

38
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That I Sold Them,

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(audience laughing)

40
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and then you know, that
was, I mean, I'll be honest,

41
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you have already enjoyed
that far more than she did,

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(audience laughing)

43
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but the thing is that I
don't know where the line,

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I don't know where to like
stop, you know what I mean?

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Basically that was just a
precursor to what happened next,

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which was when I first moved in there

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to like shared accommodation,

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they had a big meeting
with all the housemates

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and we sat around and they
told me all the rules and stuff

50
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and then they said, "Look, James,

51
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"we've got these little
boxes, that we got from Ikea,

52
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"that we keep our toiletries in

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"and we've cleared one out for you,"

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and I was like, hooray.

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(audience laughing)

56
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But I don't have any toiletries,

57
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so what I ended up doing
was just basically,

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I just filled mine with
basically as many as I could,

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(audience laughing)

60
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'cause I thought that was very funny

61
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and then the problem is
every time I went in there,

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I was starting to kind
of like rearrange them,

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do you know what I mean?

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I was having a great time,
(audience laughing)

65
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and then, this genuinely happened

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and then you know, one
day I got like narrative,

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you know, I got more kind of,

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like a chase scene was kind
of, you know, happening,

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(audience laughing)

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and then after like four to five months,

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they started to develop their own kind of,

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you know, religion based
around the kind of,

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different kind of aspects
of the kind of, you know,

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and then honestly, it was beautiful,

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they had a wedding,
that was such, honestly,

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(audience laughing)

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that was such a beautiful day,

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we were so lucky with the weather,

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everyone looked amazing,
it was really beautiful

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and then Halloween.

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(audience laughing)

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Like problem is six to
eight months down the line,

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they genuinely started to
get very sophisticated,

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they started to develop like
their own kind of culture,

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like entertainment, they started to make

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their own kind of movies,
they had a few blockbusters,

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they were just beautiful,
it was like, there was on,

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(audience laughing)
do you know what I mean?

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There was a really lovely,
(audience laughing)

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it was a lovely moment, it was.

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(audience applauding)

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Oh, there's more.

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Wait.

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(cinematic music)

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(audience laughing and applauding)

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Tragic, tragic.

97
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The problem is that I, you know, I,

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(audience laughing)

99
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I got more

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(audience laughing)

101
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and I started to make it seem

102
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as if they were like
generating from the drain,

103
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you know what I mean?

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And then the problem is I don't
know if you know this, guys,

105
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but if you go online,
right, if you go online,

106
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you can actually get these, like,

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you can buy these wholesale,
(cinematic music)

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(audience laughing)

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from China.

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(audience laughing)

111
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This genuinely happened, this is,

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(audience laughing)

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I had a lot of time and what I did

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is I staged Nuremberg in the bath,

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this got me into significant
trouble, this was not good.

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(dramatic cinematic music)

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That was when I got the message,

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"James, we need to talk about the ducks."

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(audience laughing and applauding)

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That's not a message anyone wants to get,

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do you know what I mean?

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And I was like, the ducks?

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'Cause I was just denying
the ducks, you know,

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she said, "The bathroom ducks."

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I was like, I was, the bathroom ducks?

126
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She said, "The ducks in the bathroom."

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(audience laughing)

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I was like, ah, those ducks.

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(audience laughing)

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What about them?

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She said, "Please stop."

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(audience laughing)

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"I was in a rush this morning,
but I couldn't shower,

134
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"until I'd moved like 100,"

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(audience laughing)

136
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"tiny ducks."

137
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I said, okay, sorry about that.

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From now on, no more tiny ducks.

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(audience laughing)

140
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I'll be honest, some of you
have spotted that loophole

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far quicker than she did,
(audience laughing)

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'cause she,
(audience laughing)

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she didn't, genuinely she
did not see this coming,

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this hit her like a ton of
bricks, I was not, you know,

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(audience laughing)

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(cinematic music)

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Huh?

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(dramatic orchestral music)

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(audience applauding)

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(audience laughing)

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(audience laughing)

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She said, "I'm away this weekend,

153
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"by the time I get back,
I want all ducks gone."

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I mean, to be fair to her,

155
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it was getting quite hard
to move around the flat,

156
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there was a significant number of ducks

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(audience laughing)

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and I said, look, can I have
one duck in the bathroom?

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And she said, "One."

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(audience laughing)

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(audience laughing and applauding)

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(lively orchestral music)

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(audience applauding)

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(audience laughing)

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(audience laughing)

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Thank you everyone.

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(audience applauding and cheering)

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- Fantastic!

169
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Fantastic!

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Thank you so much.

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James Veitch, ladies and gentlemen.