(audience applauding)
- Hi guys.
I got into quite a bit of trouble recently with my flatmate,
you don't call them flatmates here, do you?
You call them roommates, right?
Yeah, okay, so I got in trouble,
well, she messaged me and she said,
"James, would you mind taking your clothes,
"that are drying in the bathroom
"and moving them into your bedroom?
"Take your clothes that are drying in the bathroom,
"move them into your bedroom,
"because my Mum's coming over, she hasn't met you before,
"she hasn't seen the place we live before,
"I wanna make a good impression."
So I did that, I took all my clothes,
that were drying in the bathroom, I put them in my bedroom
and they were still a bit wet as well, so hero,
but then it transpires, guys,
all you need is like, what is that?
Like one, two, three, four, five, six bags of flour
and like an afternoon and a little bit of creativity
and you could pretty much make yourself
like a full-on kind of drugs, I would say,
(audience laughing)
sort of, in the house and then obviously, you know,
you don't wanna just, you know, you keep,
you have to obviously be a little bit creative
and then I found a, you know, a,
(audience laughing)
and then I thought, and then obviously, you know,
I thought it was a bit subtle, so then what I did as well,
I had like a, obviously a tip book, you know,
like People Who Owe Me Money,
(audience laughing)
you know, For Drugs,
(audience laughing)
That I Sold Them,
(audience laughing)
and then you know, that was, I mean, I'll be honest,
you have already enjoyed that far more than she did,
(audience laughing)
but the thing is that I don't know where the line,
I don't know where to like stop, you know what I mean?
Basically that was just a precursor to what happened next,
which was when I first moved in there
to like shared accommodation,
they had a big meeting with all the housemates
and we sat around and they told me all the rules and stuff
and then they said, "Look, James,
"we've got these little boxes, that we got from Ikea,
"that we keep our toiletries in
"and we've cleared one out for you,"
and I was like, hooray.
(audience laughing)
But I don't have any toiletries,
so what I ended up doing was just basically,
I just filled mine with basically as many as I could,
(audience laughing)
'cause I thought that was very funny
and then the problem is every time I went in there,
I was starting to kind of like rearrange them,
do you know what I mean?
I was having a great time, (audience laughing)
and then, this genuinely happened
and then you know, one day I got like narrative,
you know, I got more kind of,
like a chase scene was kind of, you know, happening,
(audience laughing)
and then after like four to five months,
they started to develop their own kind of,
you know, religion based around the kind of,
different kind of aspects of the kind of, you know,
and then honestly, it was beautiful,
they had a wedding, that was such, honestly,
(audience laughing)
that was such a beautiful day,
we were so lucky with the weather,
everyone looked amazing, it was really beautiful
and then Halloween.
(audience laughing)
Like problem is six to eight months down the line,
they genuinely started to get very sophisticated,
they started to develop like their own kind of culture,
like entertainment, they started to make
their own kind of movies, they had a few blockbusters,
they were just beautiful, it was like, there was on,
(audience laughing) do you know what I mean?
There was a really lovely, (audience laughing)
it was a lovely moment, it was.
(audience applauding)
Oh, there's more.
Wait.
(cinematic music)
(audience laughing and applauding)
Tragic, tragic.
The problem is that I, you know, I,
(audience laughing)
I got more
(audience laughing)
and I started to make it seem
as if they were like generating from the drain,
you know what I mean?
And then the problem is I don't know if you know this, guys,
but if you go online, right, if you go online,
you can actually get these, like,
you can buy these wholesale, (cinematic music)
(audience laughing)
from China.
(audience laughing)
This genuinely happened, this is,
(audience laughing)
I had a lot of time and what I did
is I staged Nuremberg in the bath,
this got me into significant trouble, this was not good.
(dramatic cinematic music)
That was when I got the message,
"James, we need to talk about the ducks."
(audience laughing and applauding)
That's not a message anyone wants to get,
do you know what I mean?
And I was like, the ducks?
'Cause I was just denying the ducks, you know,
she said, "The bathroom ducks."
I was like, I was, the bathroom ducks?
She said, "The ducks in the bathroom."
(audience laughing)
I was like, ah, those ducks.
(audience laughing)
What about them?
She said, "Please stop."
(audience laughing)
"I was in a rush this morning, but I couldn't shower,
"until I'd moved like 100,"
(audience laughing)
"tiny ducks."
I said, okay, sorry about that.
From now on, no more tiny ducks.
(audience laughing)
I'll be honest, some of you have spotted that loophole
far quicker than she did, (audience laughing)
'cause she, (audience laughing)
she didn't, genuinely she did not see this coming,
this hit her like a ton of bricks, I was not, you know,
(audience laughing)
(cinematic music)
Huh?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
She said, "I'm away this weekend,
"by the time I get back, I want all ducks gone."
I mean, to be fair to her,
it was getting quite hard to move around the flat,
there was a significant number of ducks
(audience laughing)
and I said, look, can I have one duck in the bathroom?
And she said, "One."
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing and applauding)
(lively orchestral music)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
Thank you everyone.
(audience applauding and cheering)
- Fantastic!
Fantastic!
Thank you so much.
James Veitch, ladies and gentlemen.