WEBVTT

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When I was a little girl I had a dream

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that I would meet my prince charming,
he would sweep me off my feet.

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We'd get married and maybe
practice making some babies.

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And we would love happily ever after
with a white picket fence.

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I did meet my prince charming,
he swept me right off my feet.

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We had three beautiful children.

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And we were living a perfect life,
and I had that white picket fence.

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About eight years into our marriage

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I began to get this sinking feeling
in my intuition

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that something wasn't right.

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Was it me?

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Was it him?

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Was that our relationship?

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Something wasn't right.

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So, I asked him about it.

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And he laid my fears.

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And I had to conclude
that I was the crazy one.

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One day on our bank account
I found an amount that was spent

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that caused me to think
that he was cheating on me.

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So, I confronted him about it.

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And he answered me emphatically
in a kind way,

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"Emily, I would never cheat on you
with another woman."

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Of course I didn't want to think that,
and I had no idea how to respond,

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so I turned to my sarcastic self,

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and I said, "What are you then?
Gay or something?"

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His silence spoke volumes
that I didn't understand.

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He answered me with his own question,

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"So, you knew this whole time?"

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Over the next year and a half
I dealt with so many things.

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I don't even have
enough time to tell it all,

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but I'm going to give you
a small list of some general things


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so that you get a grasp
of what was going on for me.

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I felt alone, and I didn't
want to tell anyone

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because I didn't want anyone
to think I was stupid.

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How could I be so naiive?

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The last thing I wanted in the world
was to get a divorce from my husband

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because I loved him.

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And there were people
who absolutely said,

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"Your only option is
to get a divorce, clearly."

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And there were others including myself
struggled with both of these things.

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In order to remain true

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to my Christian values, my Christian faith
my marriage vows and the Scripture,

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I had to stay married to him.

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I felt stuck.

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I tried manipulating him
and changing who he was.

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I was in denial.

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I used the kids against him.

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I used the Scripture against him.

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And I was desperate.

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I was desperate because I didn't know
who I was without him.

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Who was I apart him?

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My white picket fence
and my perfect life crumbled.

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Now I want to speak
to two different people today

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about this scenario.

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I'll be speaking first
to what I will call the straight spouse.

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And then I'll be speaking
to the other person in the relationship.

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Sometimes I might refer to it
as LGBTQ, lots of letters.

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There's more than that.

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Or I will say,
"gay or lesbian spouse."

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So just know
that they are interchangeable

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in this context at this point.

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My hope though even if you haven't
hopefully had to deal with this,

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is that you will glean something
from it for yourself

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because there, I feel,
are some good principles here.

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First, to the straight spouse.

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I want to tell you two things.

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One: you are not alone.

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Now I'm going to repeat that.

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You are not alone.

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There ware hundreds of thousands,
some estimates up to two million of us

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who would either be gone through it,
or are going through it,

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or just might go through it.

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The interesting thing is that

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there is no how-to book,

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there is no black and yellow
"Straight Spouse for Dummies."

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Now if there was either
A: I would love to write it

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or B: I wouldn't even be up here,
wouldn't need to be.

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When you're going through something
that doesn't have a step-by-step program

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you've got to find people
who have been where you are

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and are going through it.

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Finding other people
helps you know you're not alone,

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and it is a great step towards healing.

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The second thing I want
to tell the straight spouse

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is to find out who you are at your core.

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Now I'm going to explain that briefly.

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When two people get into a relationship
no matter how long you've been together

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especially the longer
you've been together,

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you end up losing, potentially,
part of your identity,

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and melting it with the other person.

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Now it's not necessarily a bad thing.

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But whenever betrayal happens

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you have to flounder

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if you don't have something solid
to stand on.

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So once that happens if it happens
and I pray that it doesn't happen to you,

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find out who you are at your core,
and know and love yourself

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because if you're going to be making
decisions that are difficult,

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and you will be.

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You've got to have something solid
to stand on.

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If you're ging to be setting a boundary
that is very difficult to keep,

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you have to know
and love yourself at your core,

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so that you have something solid

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to stand on.

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It's a great step for healing.

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Now, to the LGBTQ,
the gay or lesbian spouse

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I want you to acknowledge something first.

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Well,

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I know that it's tough coming out.

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There's nobody here in my world
that's going to say

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that's a bad thing.

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I used to think that
until my husband came out.

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So I'm going to give you
two pieces of advice

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because I believe 
that it is necessary to share that.

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I get contacts from people on my blog
and through other websites

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asking "What can I do to help my spouse?"
and thank you for wanting to help.

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So here're my two pieces
of advice for you.

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Tell the truth.

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All of it.

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It's easy to think
that once you tell the truth,

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it feels like a light load
off of you, right?

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Now, you've carried this load
whether you know your whole life or not,

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and you take that burden off
because you figure out and it feels good.

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I know it does.


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That's not saying it's going
to be easy from there on now.

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But you take that burden off
of your shoulders,

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and put it squarely on the shoulders
of your unsuspecting spouse.

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And let's just pretend you walk away
because that is what it kind of feels like

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"Not doing this to beat anyone up,
just want you to understand."

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So when we ask you for the truth,
don't give us a half truth,

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don't not tell us because you
were afraid to hurt us more.

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We have pieces missing
from that moment backward

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that we need to understand
and the only way to understand that

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is to get the full truth.

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So I want to encourage you.


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When your spouse asks you,
you don't walk away

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because you feel lighter and you
don't think it matters because of this.

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The second thing I want to tell
the gay or lesbian spouses is:

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be humble and do 
what you can to make amends.

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Now you can't go back and change anything,

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worrying about the past
is not going to help you at all.

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But from that moment forward
I want to encourage you

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to not say the words "Sorry, but..."

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as in "I'm sorry I hurt you,
but I couldn't help it."

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You see when we make excuses

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it builds up walls of bitterness
and defensiveness for both parties.

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What we want to hear and feel
is true humility

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because we know when we hear it.

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And it feels like we can heal finally.

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I can't tell you what to say.

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I don't know what that's going
to look like in your relationship,

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but I do know that when I hear
from other straight spouses

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who had a spouse who came out,

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and it truly humbled their heart
before them in some way.

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It is such a gateway to healing for us.

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So whatever that is for you
I want to encourage you to do it.

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Now.

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When hurt happens in a relationship

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the healing can seem impossible
if you feel alone;

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the healing seems unattainable
if you don't know all the truth.

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Healing can seem unfathomable


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if the one who hurt you
is humble about it.

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About the straight spouse
and the LGBTQ spouse:

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be authentic,

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know and love yourself.

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And above all, more humbly
do what you can to help others heal.

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Now, lastly to my ex-husband

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whom I love and support,

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I want to thank him for coming out

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because if he hadn't,
I wouldn't know and love who I am,

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regardless of anyone or anything

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including this imperfect life
that I've lived.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)